Saturday, May 5, 2012

It never entered my mind

I'm mildly to medium-ly obsessed with the song "It never entered my mind."



To me there is only one thing that really can haunt me, and this sensation, whatever it is, is so perfectly incapsulated by this song.  It is partly a worry that I am missing out on something, but it's worse than that.  It's more the worry that I will regret the decisions I have made because I have missed out on something.

One of my favorite movies is the Woody Allen comedy Sweet and Lowdown.  The protagonist is a completely pompous jazz guitarist from the early half of the last century: a delusional, raging narcissist, beautifully talented, but without any real emotion in his playing.   He meets and (sort of) falls in love with a mute girl named Hattie, played incomparably by Samantha Morton.



She puts up with him like no one else will and he finds that even the simplest pleasures of life are made more pleasurable with her beside him.  Still, he feels like he deserves better (or just more) so breaks up with her about halfway through the movie:



He continues his hijinks through the second half of the movie and even marries an icy femme fatale played by Uma Thurman.  Near the end of the movie he runs into Hattie again.  She is married now and even has children.  He is disappointed, but tries to play it off.  Later that night he tries to console himself by doing some of his favorite activities: shooting rats by the train station and playing the guitar.  Frustrated and emotionally overcome he grabs the guitar by the neck and slams it into a nearby tree, shattering it.  He is a man whose only goal was his own happiness, who has consistently chosen without compunction whatever he thought would make him most happy, and yet he is not happy.  As he clubs the tree with the guitar over and over again he screams, "I made a mistake!  I made a mistake!"

This scene haunts me.  This man thought he was choosing happiness, and chose as wisely as he could, but still ended up crippled by regret.  But it's not the fact that he happens to end up alone that's disturbing.  I acknowledge that much of life is chance and all sorts of bad things might happen to me during life.  I'm fine with that.  The thing that haunts me more than anything else is the thought that I could unwittingly be the author of my own unhappiness -- unhappiness so surprising that it never entered my mind that things could play out that way.  It is the ultimate in powerlessness -- not just the thought that nothing I do really matters, but that things I do could matter and actually make things worse.

Of the negative emotions I feel, regret is the saddest and strongest.

It never entered my mind:
I don't care if there's powder on my nose
I don't care if my hairdo is in place
I've lost the very meaning of repose
I never put a mudpack on my face
Oh, who'd have thought that I'd walk in a daze
Now I never go to shows at night but just to matinees
Now I see the show and home I go

Once I laughed when I heard you saying
That I'd be playing solitaire
Uneasy in my easy chair
It never entered my mind
Once you told me I was mistaken
That I'd awaken with the sun
And order orange juice for one
It never entered my mind

You have what I lack myself
And now I even have to scratch my back myself

Once you warned me that if you scorned me
I'd sing the maiden's prayer again
And wish that you were there again
To get into my hair again
It never entered my mind

192 comments:

  1. I had a dream once, I was in the hospital at my job and I got a page to the ER room. I ignored it and went back to my work and one of the nurses came to me and warned that I really needed to be in the ER right now. I wrote off her dramatics and took a 15 minute break to recharge during my long shift.

    When I cam back from my break, there were 4 new bodies in the Morgue waiting for me to run paperwork on. It wasn't until I recognized a tattoo on someone's calf, that I realized I knew him. In fact, I knew all of them. One of them was my father.

    There was this pang in my gut so intense I woke up. For a few moments I was over run with fear and regret. In my dream I had taken for granted those around me and they were all gone at once. There was nothing I could do about it. Yet, in real life getting close to people hurts to some degree too.

    I don't know how to fix this. But I know some day I'm going to deal with this particular regret in a very real way. I'm making an active attempt at fighting the things that will hurt me the most.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think the whole thing is related to one's personal power but I am not sure how.

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    2. Can you elaborate what you mean?

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    3. I think that unhappiness is, in large part, an abdication of what we DO have, which is personal power. However, to get to one's personal power, if one has been abused( and it has been taken away by virtue of that) is like playing a super hard video game. You have rivers to forge, mountains to climb and deserts to traverse. Can you? Is there enough time before you die? I will let you know when and if I get there :D

      Delete
  2. I am touched very deeply by ME's post and Greys, too. I wanted to come on and say some things about my life but felt embarrassed and like I was taking up too much room but they relate.

    I have been under water since I became numb as a teen. I went numb in an instant but I must have been on my way to it or it would not have happened as it did, at that one moment.

    Since then, I live in a kind of sound proof chamber where I must scream up to the top if I went to talk to someone. They must scream to the bottom if they want to talk to me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i feel as if I live under muffled glass as Sylvia Plath described it in "The Bell Jar". I gave up on my life a few years ago as it was futile to try to come up from under the glass. Everything was grey under the glass. If I went on a worldwide trip, it was grey. If I went to a party, it was grey. After awhile, I thought it was stupid to try so I stopped.

      However, after constructing my own program on how to come out, I realize that I am halfway there. I was a mile under the ocean. Now, I am a half a mile. Yesterday, someone was visiting me. I was not under the water, as I usually am. However,if you can imagine how it feels when a life long Novacine wears off, that is how I feel.

      Delete
    2. Thanks for quoting Sylvia Plath. I too relate deeply to that book. The bell jar is the most perfect metaphore for my life I've known up till now. I use alcohol, dance, music, films, books and people that love me deeply to come out. I can be out for a moment and give myself to life. But I can never give myself to someone else. I regret it already, I will of course regret it when I end up alone.

      Delete
  3. Oh M.E. I don't believe a word of what you're writing these days. Is there a willing victim to whom these posts are directed, and because of whom you pretend to care, deep deep down inside? How can someone with no emotions relate to Sweet and Lowdown? I can see why you wouldn't want to screw yourself and have any regrets in life. But for the life of me I cannot see how you, or any other sociopath, could have regrets when you just do not care, and no matter what you do, you end up being satisfied with yourself. Or have I got it completely wrong...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In spring, even sociopaths heart can start beating faster. And since M.E. is probably single, he gets irritated by all those happy couples everywhere around.
      Also, all people, with disorders (socies, aspies, etc.) have reverse blackouts* sometimes. Then they are relatively normal for a while, maybe that's what M.E. is going through right now.
      Or he just feels bad about stolen ipod. I would be mad if my ipod was stolen.
      So if I am right about M.E. we could observe how's he changing back to himself. But he can be pretending.
      * I don't know the real term for it.

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    2. I like this 'reverse blackout' phrase. Something about it, I am not sure. Maybe I am in a reverse blackout as I say this.

      Delete
    3. I think its the kind of regrets you carry, not the absence of regret. Even the coldest of people are not immune to retrospection. How do you know what to do differently in the future? Its part of learning. Where it becomes pathetic is when you get caught in the feelings. Emotion is there to help you remember 'why' for next time. Sociopaths HAVE to have some emotion here or they would continually be repeating the same errors. Even if the emotions are very slight.
      Example: I regret very very much getting caught.
      But I do not regret committing the crime itself.

      Delete
  4. Sociopaths have regrets? Isn't that very close to remorse? Why is the difference between these two?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. regret is over something, a decision you made or action, that caused suffering to you. remorse is over something you did that caused someone else to suffer. if you were the last person in the world, you could have regret, but there would be no cause for (new) remorse. two different things.

      Delete
    2. Good insight Zoe

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    3. i was born without tears and i'll die without regret

      Delete
  5. Whoops, meant "what", not "why".

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  6. "The thing that haunts me more than anything else is the thought that I could unwittingly be the author of my own unhappiness -- unhappiness so surprising that it never entered my mind that things could play out that way"
    This is EXACTLY what psychopathic people do to themselves and everyone around them watches them, thinking, "they can't be that dumb... can they?" in response to the psychopaths seeming unawareness that they essentially masterminded their own downfall. This concept was very much present in "The Mask of Sanity" and demonstrated in most if not all the case studies. I find it interesting that ME can seem to intellectually process this thought, but the better question is: Does it REGISTER? I don't think psychopathic people can actually register certain thoughts for some reason. Its like it gets processed but the file is never saved, the paper gets written but once its done its gone, so you can't read it and study what was written so its not very useful. But I wonder, is this just ME telling people what they think people want to hear, because they don't know what else to say?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are talking about the difference of something in the head or in the heart. These are so very different that it is night and day.

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    2. 657,I find it interesting that ME can seem to intellectually process this thought, but the better question is: Does it REGISTER?

      Isn't it ironic that at the end of life is when the
      majority of people have regrets. Is this true for
      sociopaths? I wonder....

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    3. monica, very good point.

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    4. I know from experience, Zoe. Something in the heart is worth gold. Something in the head is a cheap imitation not worth toilet paper.

      Delete
    5. This regeiresting or not is why it's a PD. With age comes some maturing, desires change.

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    6. i was born without tears and i'll die without regret

      Delete
  7. We want a victim who knows what we are and what things we will do, and is willing to allow us to do them. It's the
    ultimate "win."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. how is it a win when you can't lose, anonymous?

      Delete
    2. Those are the only games sociopaths like to play, the ones where its rigged so they automatically win.

      Delete
    3. 821, you really are a socipathic dog.....pathetic!

      Delete
    4. 825 you prey on the mentally weak and call it a win or "win". whichever. that's not wolf, that's scavenger.

      Delete
    5. okay i may have to retract my statement... what is your position on other scavengers?

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    6. 827, your projecting.........

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    7. are you saying you're mentally weak 831?

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    8. I would never say that

      Delete
    9. anon, the statement should have read "it's the ultimate win for us"

      Delete
    10. yes, your really scary....

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    11. it's your life dog

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    12. you are correct anon, i am not a wolf. but i am not a sheep either.

      i am a cousin of sorts, a siberian husky, that could kick your ass but would rather play. :)

      Delete
    13. haha! Nothing like a little ego dance with an anonymous, to start your day, eh Zoe?

      Delete
    14. lol i love trolls.

      nice post below... will answer later

      Delete
    15. 944, no one called you a wolf? And as far as your
      ass kicking - that too is bizarre. lol..lol.
      A troll? Evidently, I hit a nerve so you have to
      resort to name calling. What I see is you can dish
      it out - you just can't take it - characteristic of
      a sociopath. Are you a sociopath? Kentucky Derby is
      calling.......

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    16. Go mate with a donkey.

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    17. 1111, No donkey's at the Derby, stupid

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    18. why would I converse with a liar?

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    19. ^But there is always confusion when evil is involved

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  8. i understand regret only as a function of remorse. anything else seems like an exercise in narcissism, and potentially fuel to even more pointless emotions, such as bitterness and envy.

    you can't go back in life and take a different path, so how do you know for sure you would have been happier if you had and that there wouldn't have been other or different hurdles? you can only keep going. regretting past decisions is like wishing away all of you that existed as of that decision. it's not about making the right choices, but making the most of whatever opportunities and pitfalls you find along the way.

    i don't think there are any wrong or right choices. life is a series of opportunities and you're either ready for them or not.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Here's a little song from my childhood to go with today's blog on regret...

      I agree. Regret is a component of remorse. This post actually surprises me, but then I do remember you posting something a ways back about regret as well, M.E.
      I honestly don't understand regret. I have two sisters who are plagued with it. They are always mourning the, 'if only I hads' of there yesterdays. I don't know what to do in a conversation filled with regret. My first instinct is to get their focus off of what didn't happen, and start making plans for what they can make happen, in the time they have left.

      But it never seems to work. They keep at it as if they are in love with the misery of it all. Both of my sisters who wallow in their regret, are also hopeless romantics. They see the world through some idealized version of it. Love for them, would be all those Walt Disney movies they never grew out of, I guess.

      Come to think of it; my mother is also like that. So when they are faced with the reality of how life actually is, or isn't as the case may be...they despair, and turn to self-pity. They seem to become addicted to this notion that perhaps there is something so unique about them, that they are doomed to a life of sorrow.

      I've learned to leave conversations of regret. My brain can't grasp the concept. I stay in the moment I'm living in. The life that's actually happening right now; knowing that the brain was not designed to be happy all of the time. So how can one single missed opportunity make the total sum of your whole life's happiness. I don't think it can.

      Delete
    2. If a person is this one dimensional, there is nothing there but a card board cut out.

      Delete
    3. One dimensional? How do you mean?

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    4. A person cannot cut of any part of themselves without a loss in dimension. Some people are all anger and no tenderness. Some people are all tenderness and no anger. Your sisters are all "soft" and no "hard". You are all hard and no soft. Either which way, there is a loss of dimension. You just choose the opposite way.

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    5. What makes you think I am all hard just because I say I don't understand regret? I never chose be one certain way, and you'er making a very black and white statement, from a very small example of the way my mind operates.

      "A person cannot cut of any part of themselves without a loss in dimension"

      This quote above is a declaration. You should maybe state it as an opinion.

      "To say that a person is "one-dimensional" means that all his or her interest, talents, and energies are concentrated on one narrow aspect of life."

      That's a quote taken from the a site defining what it means to call someone one dimensional.
      So I'll say you are incorrect in calling me one dimensional.

      Just because I don't regret my past, does not mean I focus all of my energy on one narrow aspect of my present life.

      Think about it.

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    6. Anonymous, I see you view this as a limitation. You are implying an imbalance. How can you be sure that a person was not originally limited by their emotions?

      Its impossible to conclude that one person has less dimensions than another. A person can go through a personal transformation from empathic to non and compare introspectively. And then its a personal judgment.

      I mean to say that it is very hard to cut out a part of ones self without another part expanding in its place. Its not up to the consciousness. The mind does what it does to survive.

      Delete
    7. wow... that was one defensive rant at 1248 Raven.

      Delete
    8. Not in the least. Just trying to put into perspective, where the Anonymous was coming from, so I can better understand why they see it the way they do. I've never been told I'm one dimensional before.

      Defensive would be more like: I'm not one dimensional, anonymous! I'm a human being of many dimensions and colors of the rainbow! You don't know me! :D

      Asking questions, and responding to comments accordingly, is considered a discussion.

      Delete
    9. You are a hard one to figure out, Raven. I really don't get what you're about. Why are you here?

      Delete
    10. Grey

      My point to was to Raven. I extrapolated, a bit, to make a point to her. I did not take it beyond that because if I did I would have had to put too many caveats on it such that it would lose it's shape, entirely.

      Delete
    11. To Raven
      You chopped off your weak and became a monster because you can't feel.
      Your sister chopped off her strong and became a monster because she can't stop feeling.

      Delete
    12. Anonymous 4:00, I'm pretty sure Grey understands that your point was directed at me. You're still not responding to the questions asked of you. Which are:

      From Grey: How can you be sure that a person was not originally limited by their emotions?

      From myself: What makes you think I am all hard just because I say I don't understand regret?

      I would really like a more thorough explanation than the one you're giving me. You said I'm "all hard and no soft", and that is your explanation for why you believe I'm one dimensional.

      From where do you draw this conclusion?

      Quite some time ago, Medusa was explaining to someone here that sociopaths are one dimensional. That anything you see that may appear more than that is you, projecting yourself onto them, or seeing what they reflect back to you of yourself. I never bothered to ask what she meant by that.

      I've never thought about people in terms of dimensions before, so I'm trying to grasp what you really mean. Do you really believe I'm one dimensional, or are you just choosing to see my post in black in white?

      Delete
    13. "You chopped off your weak and became a monster because you can't feel."

      This response make no sense to me. Not to mention, you are responding to me as if you know my entire history as a person. Where are you drawing these conclusions from?

      Delete
    14. Also; where in my post did I say I am unable to feel? I have never even suggested that once. Not even in my other posts.

      haha!

      being extra inquisitive this evening!

      Delete
    15. Raven
      I will see if I can make myself understandable. You laugh at your sister because she is weak and too emotional.
      You are the opposite polarity of your sister. You cut off your weakness. She cut off her strength. You are one dimensional and she is,too. You fit together as two mirror images of the same puzzle piece.

      If you don't get it, I give up.

      Delete
    16. Raven said..
      So how can one single missed opportunity make the total sum of your whole life's happiness. I don't think it can.


      i think people use it to avoid moving forward. it lets them freeze in place. have you experienced it Raven? when i said i don't understand it, i meant i don't understand living it, but have experienced it in flashes of "maybe i should have", which are just moments of insecurity.

      perhaps regret comes from always taking the easy way in life and never risking anything, rather than risking and having things not work out?

      Delete
    17. @Zoe

      Perhaps I've lived a hard life so fast, I haven't had the time to think, "Maybe I should have,".
      Somewhere long ago, I just learned to keep moving forward. "Don't look down." As they say in the movies. :)

      @Anonymous
      I think you're making a lot of heavy assumptions about me. You are filling in the gaps of my story with your own personal baggage, maybe?
      I never said I laughed at my sisters. It very clearly states in my post that I don't understand them, and that I would always try to redirect their hopeless way thinking, into a more positive.

      So the fact that you say I laugh at them, is very telling...

      Delete
    18. Anonymous 4:00- I am completely aware of that. I was expanding on points not to deform the structure of your message. But to explore abstractly what it means to be dimensional.

      Delete
    19. Ok Grey I will think on it and respond later!

      Delete
    20. You're so transparent, Anonymous. I don't know why you bother hiding. I know your mind already. You always tell me the same thing...

      Delete
    21. Grey, I think that one must have a stable enough self that exists without external reinforcement in order to give it away. In giving it away and retaining it, at the same time, one can find intimacy.

      Delete
    22. Raven
      You are a fucking genius

      Delete
    23. You are right about that. My IQ was tested when I was in the institution... as you already know, since you're so taken by me, and pay attention to every little detail I give of my life.

      You really should find someone else to fixate yourself on. I don't think this is very good for your mental health. What little of it you already have left. :)

      Delete
    24. LOL Don't worry about me. I am becoming successful beyond my wildest dreams.

      Delete
    25. Anon 7:59- can you expand on what you mean by intimacy? I'm sure you're referring to a context that is new to me.

      Delete
    26. I don't worry about you. I just want you to stop obsessing over me, and move on. As sick as you'd like to believe I am, your fixation on me makes you much sicker. Get yourself some real help. I'm not your mother. I didn't molest you. Get over your hatred.

      Delete
    27. Grey, I learn by trying to get back to the person who was confident, who knew who she was, who knew how to "do life". I was there, a long time ago. That was my personal best, if you can say that.

      Intimacy is a knowing of yourself and an accepting of all your flaws, inside and out. Then, you can open that failed person, to another person. When you touch the periphery of you with the periphery of him/her, you have intimacy. However, if you can't retain yourself, you have split pea soup, cooked too too long on the stove and it is mush and the whole thing goes to Hell.

      Delete
    28. Raven
      I am onto new vistas. I hope you can do the same.

      Delete
    29. I want you to get this into your thick head. I don't want you talking to me anymore. Not ever. Do not reply to any of my posts with your made up doctors, and you fucking chicken shit anonymous, or even as your new name.

      You've done nothing but try to tear my character down since the moment I arrived here, and my interest in you in any way, has expired. I've walked away from you many times, and you just can't seem to do the same. You bring up my name all the time, snipe at me with all your sock puppets, and try to make me your scapegoat for everything that happens to you, that you can't deal with.

      I won't be you fucking go-to-villain anymore, you weak minded little cunt. So leave me the fuck alone. Got it? Am I spelling it out slow enough for you to comprehend?

      Delete
    30. Damn, Raven. You go girl! lol

      Delete
    31. Does anyone here have a partner they tell about their intimacy fears?

      Delete
    32. Zoe,
      i understand regret only as a function of remorse. anything else seems like an exercise in narcissism, and potentially fuel to even more pointless emotions, such as bitterness and envy.

      Yes, that's why I try to not linger but move on and try to make better choices. But you're basically right, it's narcissistic.

      Delete
    33. Raven
      I am on your side.

      Delete
    34. Don't listen to that cunt, Raven. You have my vote.

      Delete
    35. I am on Ravens side. She has my vote as the top on SW.

      Delete
    36. Anon 8:20. The intimacy that you speak of makes me feel physically ill. Especially when explained as slit pea soup..

      I'm certain such things are lost on me.

      Delete
    37. Lack of boundaries feels like split peas soup, all entangled.

      Delete
    38. Perhaps the sociopaths fluid self is like water in it's amorphousness. Intimacy requires two discrete entities to share yet remain discrete. That is an explanation sans split pea soup.

      Delete
    39. Thanks guys. You're obviously, very good judges of character. :)

      Delete
    40. Don't Worry, Raven. Just tell us what to do and we will so it.

      Delete
    41. Hey, Snake. I enjoyed the post you wrote about your ex. She must have been pretty spectacular in bed, yeah?

      As far as that other matter... I'm passing the torch. Burn the bitch to a crispy cinder with it, if you wish. I've always wanted to attend a funeral pyre. :)

      Delete
    42. I never posted about an Ex. You must have your sock puppets confused.

      Delete
    43. haha! Okay. It was still a good post.

      Delete
    44. Zoe from 8:04

      Thank you for clarifying to me one more reason I left one mate. I always knew this and complained about this but didn't express it to the person. I didn't want to kick him when down. It is this regret over the past and 'poor me' attitude that is very unattractive, very debilitating for the relationship when the partner doesn't get bogged down by the past.

      Delete
  9. Awesome...thanks ME

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  10. The birth of a healthy person from a person with a PD is a MOTHERFUCKER.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, it is.

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    2. because it hurts like absolute hell.

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    3. maybe that means you managed to stay healthy

      Delete
  11. "the better question is: Does it REGISTER? I don't think psychopathic people can actually register certain thoughts for some reason."

    Funny you should say that. I've often noticed that psychopaths seem to experience emotions that neurotypicals (normal people) can't register for some reason. It's like you process what we say but our words never get saved.

    "the paper gets written but once its done its gone, so you can't read it and study what was written so its not very useful."

    Oh, and it is for neurotypicals? Pray tell how you manage to learn so you can change choices you made in the past!

    "But I wonder, is this just ME telling people what they think people want to hear, because they don't know what else to say?"

    *sigh*

    You process M.E.'s text intellectually, but does it REGISTER?

    Apparently not. ;D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @Anon 9:27

      Only if I choose to REGISTER it!

      Delete
    2. No, anon, you can't choose to register something you don't understand. You're talking crap here. Give me something with substance if you want me to believe you can understand someone like myself or M.E.!

      Delete
    3. Anon 12:10

      I'm not going to give you anything because I have nothing to prove to you. M.E. on the other hand
      has substance - you do not.

      Delete
  12. "But I wonder, is this just ME telling people what they think people want to hear, because they don't know what else to say?"

    Uhm, why would people want to hear this lie of all possible lies? If it wasn't a real feeling it wouldn't make sense to anyone, it would be gibberish. Why would people want to hear that?

    Just wondering. Oh, and I know what M.E. is describing from personal experience. It's very real, I assure you. It's not very dramatic or entertaining or heroic, however, so how it could be something you'd write to please people I can't see.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. True. That person was a fucking idiot.

      Delete
  13. This was such a rich post. Thank you, ME.

    Loved the music, and the reference to the movie, and your valid concern on the potentiality of regret one day after having lived a life where one is proud to have said 'I did it my way,' only to realize that way was not necessarily in the best interest of the person.

    What we value changes over time; we sometimes make decisions thinking that our future selves will be happier that way and learn eventually that the end result was not climactic at all. Or, we choose to go for the happiest solution today and realize later that we may have cut a whole bunch of options away in the future by that one choice earlier.

    So, we ask... Is regret totally unavoidable? If not, what kind of wo/man are we going to be in facing our biggest regret yet to come in life one day?

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  14. i was born without tears and i'll die without regret

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. love is somthiing i do to other people

      Delete
  15. love is something i do to other people

    ReplyDelete
  16. Oh god... Are you a wizard? This is exactly and completely and totally how I feel. Only for me it's even worse, because I should be making all kinds of choices at this stage in life, but I don't because I'm afraid I'll regret them later.

    Fuck I hate doubt...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Go for it, Abbie.

      Delete
    2. you'll regret it more if you let life make the choices for you.

      Delete
    3. Wow, that's sad, Wheatley. I agree with Zoe. You must begin to take some chances or you'll end up SURELY regretting that you chose to not make an attempt to mold your own happiness. That's got to be the greatest regret anybody can be haunted by.

      Delete
    4. Then let the dice decide for you, Wheatley. Fuck regret. Let the flames of the destruction you wreak throughout your life warm the cockles of your heart.

      Delete
  17. What an amazing voice! I love Sarah Vaughan. She really knew how to use her gift.

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  18. just wondering...does m.e. ever comment on his posts? i never see him on here.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. no, he doesn't

      Delete
    2. Yes, but anonymously. Not very often, though. (M.E.'s own words).

      Delete
  19. When it is all said and done, ME dear, there is one answer. "You must lose your life for My sake to gain it" There is no other way to happiness. All the world's ways fall by the wayside, as discarded children's toys. This is the only way and few will find it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bible Anon,
      this is not strictly on topic, just my curiosity: Do you comment for M.E.'s salvation, I mean, as a Christian?

      Please don't take this as a subtle attack on religion. It isn't. I just wonder about your reasons is all.

      Delete
    2. I don't take it as an attack. I can feel an attack as there are many of those on SW.
      My reasons are these. When one is saved, one has a profound gratitude for that. The person who is truly a Christian is humble, not arrogant. He knows that he was saved despite himself, not because of himself. He has a passion to bring Jesus to others.It is a passion akin to sexuality in that it is strong and burning within oneself.

      One wants to do Jesus' work on the earth but it is more than that.One loves Jesus so much that one wants to bring a lost person to Jesus, any lost person because each life is so precious to Him Each person is so loved. My life purpose is to serve Jesus. Everything else is a buttressing of this but this is my pure purpose.

      Delete
    3. Jesus can suck my strap-on cock.

      Delete
    4. Elicious, I just plain love you!

      Bible Anon, just curious, have you ever actually sat down and read the bible all the way through and tried to take it all as literal fact? I did, and was absolutely amazed at the sheer amount of contradictory bullshit contained within, and I was only 12. By the time I reread it at 25, I was just about to pee myself laughing.
      You love to spout all this Jesus saves stuff, but realistically, it's all just ridiculous platitudes. You pick and choose those bits that make him appear saintly and absolutely deny the hypocrisy.
      Religion really is like a cock. Have it, be proud of it, all good. Try to shove it down other people's throats and it becomes a problem.

      Delete
    5. I hear you. I know many people feel that way but that is because they never REALLY read it. They let other people read it for them. They got predigested food, not the real thing. Predigested food is kind of gross.

      Delete
    6. This is the God of the Bible, not predigested by anyone.

      Delete
    7. Last One---- I promise



      Born among the animals wrapped in dirty rags because there was no room for him in the world He came to save

      Delete
    8. Oh, my dear Bible Anon, I've read the bible. Have found it to be so utterly full of inconsistencies that you essentially can find something to support any point of view you might have. The only book worse , in my opinion, is the Koran. Now that was both boring and contradictory.
      BTW, if you really read the bible and follow what Jesus said :
      For truly, I say to you, till heaven and earth pass away, not an iota, not a dot, will pass the law until all is accomplished. Whoever then relaxes one of the least of these commandments and teaches men so, shall be called least in the kingdom of heaven; but he who does them and teaches them shall be called great in the kingdom of heaven.” (Matthew 5:18-19 RSV)
      So, if you actually follow Jesus, you should be an extremely orthodox Jew. Even then you would have trouble obeying all the 613 commandments. So what's your take on pork, contraception, circumcision, no 'work' of any kind on Saturdays.....? The list goes on and on.
      Also, thanks for the songs...really not my style. They haven't been predigested, just vomited.

      ME, sorry to start a theological discussion on your blog. I just really can't stand closed minded bible bashers ;)

      Delete
  20. "maybe that's what M.E. is going through right now.
    Or he just feels bad about stolen ipod. I would be mad if my ipod was stolen."

    Yeah, that's the feeling I get when I'm angry about having missed out on things because I didn't make the right choices in the past. It's not so much a feeling as an awareness for me, but it sometimes makes me angry.

    ReplyDelete
  21. ME, all the decisions you made, all the happiness or misery they made you feel, have made you exactly who you are today. Why feel regret? It will change nothing. You can not go back to the past and redo it, just make the best of what you have now.
    I've always said that if something makes you miserable, cut it out of your life and don't look back. If it makes you feel truly happy, brings a bit of 'colour' to your life, hang on to it for dear life and do whatever necessary to keep it. Yes, it does sound hedonistic, but well, even if you do end up alone, it will have been one hell of a fun journey.
    The song was lovely, but here's one of my favourites:

    http://youtu.be/M5gpBncR8zI

    "No, nothing at all
    I do not regret anything at all
    Either the good that has been done to me
    or the evil
    everything is equal to me
    no, nothing at all, no...
    everything is paid, swept away, forgotten
    I don't care about the past!
    With my memories I lit the fire
    My pains, my pleasures,
    I don't need them anymore
    My love stories are swept away
    with their tremolos
    swept away for ever
    I'm starting on new bases
    no, nothing at all etc...
    Because my life, my happiness, today everything begins with you!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Why feel regret? It will change nothing. You can not go back to the past and redo it, just make the best of what you have now."

      That's how I see it. I know what she means because I get the nagging notion too from time to time. But I refuse to let it wear on me which is perhaps why I don't associate it with the 'feel' of the music video (though it's a great piece - another artist I'll be listening to now).

      "all the decisions you made, all the happiness or misery they made you feel, have made you exactly who you are today."

      Good point too. But sometimes we wish we were who we are in a different setting, if you know what I mean.

      Personally I don't think I've changed that much over the years. I was born with a strong personally that still defines me, and I'm happy with who I am. I can say that if I hadn't made the choices I made I'd have missed out on a lot of knowledge that has proven useful and which I enjoy having learned. Yet I still feel I could've done more and better.

      Delete
    2. I see what you mean anon. I can't help but ask, if you are happy with yourself, but nonetheless feel you could have done more and better, then what's stopping you?
      Better yourself. Go back to school, contact that one person you wish you hadn't fucked over (even if it's just to say sorry), give more... do more of whatever it is that would make you happy. If the situation cannot be remedied, forget about it. Wishing for it to not be so will not fix anything.

      Delete
  22. Regret? You're a parasite on a petri dish, floating aimlessly through an ever-expanding universe that's apparently part of a colossal multi-verse, possibly only one piece of existence in an infinite number of parallel ones. Do you think anyone's going to notice, let alone care, if you aren't a good little shining star?

    Get over yourself and do what you want to do instead of bitching about your failures.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The definition of a parasite is someone who lives off other people's money and care.

      M.E. has a job.

      She pursues personal interests, and though they may not be your interests they're interests even so -

      "Ruining people"
      Saving up for retirement (not exactly parasitic either)
      Keeping a blog with daily postings (even if sometimes they're filler-stuff)
      Going through the process of joining another religion (becoming a Jew is a daunting task)
      Making an effort at doing what sociopaths are said to never do, namely soul-searching and find out who she really is as a person.

      "Do you think anyone's going to notice, let alone care, if you aren't a good little shining star?"

      You bet they will! Her boss will care and so will her friends and colleagues, not to speak of her family (if she has one).

      People always notice if others are stars or parasites! They care because other people's social position is a mirror that reflects their own level of success in the world.

      Delete
    2. Is ME becoming a Jew? Where did you get that? Other than that, this was a great post.Thanks!

      Delete
    3. So, all that for others to care? Why would you care for what others care?

      These details make ME almost sound like she is not sociopath after all. At the high functioning levels a sociopath is practically a normal successful person. What is key is what happens when for some reason that balance is distorted by some injustice? At the time of loss and failure a sociopath will most differ from a normal person.

      TNP is an interesting case. He used to say he is a sociopath. Now he is quite mellowed out once he started facing his mortality with his cancer. He is not bullshitting anymore but settling for an existential viewpoint, which is the best that supports a losing state in life. He is not turning into a serial killer. He used to talk about bloodlust and stuff. No more. Quite interesting. His church-going is certainly showing.

      Delete
    4. ^Sceli

      Insightful post

      Delete
  23. You can also look at it like this: link. It's a blog about a sociopath (he's diagnosed as a psychopath though). I think it's quite good. Doesn't publish as often as M.E. does, but it's good stuff imo.

    He's also a murderer by the way and his psychopathic score is rather high, so if that's not your cup of tea it may not be the best blog to go to.

    However, he does have a lot of good posts imo, and most of them are not about murder or violence at all. They're about a lot of the same things M.E. writes about.

    I personally think you two are very alike. Hope you don't take offense, M.E. I mean it in a good way, the guy is obviously highly intelligent, but not as good a writer as you are.

    ReplyDelete
  24. My procrastinating behavior occurs in a fractal pattern, and I can extrapolate it to level of an entire lifetime, and to see that shape terrifies me.
    I wait as late as I can to turn off the alarm.
    I wait as long as I can to leave for work.
    I wait as long as I can to buckle down and do work.
    I wait as long as I can in my car before entering my house.
    ...to finish a paper.
    ...to do chores.
    ...to make food.
    ...to take a shower.
    ...to go to bed.
    It expands to putting off deadlines, or auto repairs, or any long-term plans. It gets larger and larger, this span of procrastination, to the point where I'm putting off major life events and milestones. And every so often, mostly when I'm in the rush to finish something before I'm penalized, I think,
    "What if I'm rushing before the end of my life? What if I don't realize what I should have done in life before it is far, far to late to ever change it? I'm effectively procrastinating living. I know I have a deadline--death. I'm seeing how far I can go simply existing before I begin living, maybe to see if I'll make it in time."

    In a way I believe it's narcissism--I'm brilliant and clever enough to finish things in half the time it takes normal people to, and my product is twice as good--and in another way it's using the exhilaration of flirting with mortality to brighten my life.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sounds like your life is unsatisfying, and that's the reason why you procrastinate. Fractals is a function of time so it's unavoidable when you procrastinate.

      "I'm effectively procrastinating living."

      Yes, that's what it sounds like. I did the same things as you do when I was in prison, and I got released 2 months ago so I know it's damn hard to turn it around once you've started to procrastinate.

      I found the blog I link to below (okay, here's the the link: Psychopathic Writings) and decided to email the guy and ask him what he would do in my place. He told me it's basically a question about doing four things.
      1. Realizing that your need for gratification doesn't get met and that makes you unsatisfied with life.
      2. Decide if you want to take the risk and change it. 3. Decide what your desires really are and what you want to achieve.
      4. Make a plan for how you'll achieve gratification of your desires and still have your basic needs covered.

      Once you've got those 4 steps done it's just start following them. But most people don't because it's difficult to keep up motivation. That's where a good partner that you can trust or someone who can advice and maybe guide you comes in. As I said I found one, but most sociopaths are on our own and it's really rare to find anybody you can trust. You can't trust normal people and usually you can trust sociopaths even less, so I've been very, very lucky.

      Hope those 4 steps can give you some ideas.

      Delete
  25. Just like any emotion - regret, remorse, etc...we will have them, we just don't need to own them, mine them, build on them. However, I think for sociopaths, because there is no remorse, regret takes up more space.

    This brings up more questions - I noticed lately that I feel things like a sociopath, I don't feel much empathy, but I don't have the same need for power and control over others. I want to do what I do and I want to do things that make me happy. I could say an internal moral code drives me, but I don't think this is exactly true. I often do the "right" thing for appearances sake, but lately I have made a conscious effort do the "right" thing because I believe that in the long run it will be the best thing for me and my long term happiness. Even though this causes me often severe pain in my day to day life, it has reduced my feelings of regret, and made me feel my heart more (be in touch and feel sensations in my heart).

    I am doing this experiment on myself, and it seems to be working. And I never thought about regret until this post. With this new way of behaving the regret is fading.

    The big downside to this way of behaving is I feel a little lost. I am not sure who I want to hang out with, how I want to direct my life. I just continue to do the "right" thing.

    ReplyDelete
  26. look at zwanker promoting his shit blog lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. not the anon above i swearMay 6, 2012 at 3:45 AM

      Zwanker? BRILLIANT!

      Delete
  27. Drugs are bad!!May 6, 2012 at 4:42 AM

    Don't waste your life and do drugs. They make you less intelligent.

    And I'd like to see anyone prove me otherwise.

    ReplyDelete
  28. Dr Franklin Fomentile PhDMay 6, 2012 at 4:54 AM

    I am going to step in and answer Grey's question to the Anon who was struggling to explain. Anon, if I misrepresent you, let me know please.

    The use of the term one dimensional was the outgrowth of the defense mechanism reaction formation of which Raven is a classic example. I will reiterate a bit on my original posts as Raven asked for help. My strict code of ethics prevents me from psychological evaluations when not requested. I take my ethics VERY seriously.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. UH. Don't drag me into your little blog games Dr. Frank.

      A smarter 'man' would know better..

      Delete
    2. Smart girl, Grey. Don't let yourself get pulled into her obsession. It's all a bunch of lies based on her hurt ego, anyways. It pretty sad actually.

      Delete
    3. I don't care who Dr. Frank is, or isn't.
      I'm not going to be a pawn in some pathetic blog-drama.

      And neither should you, Raven. You know 'they' are just provoking you for a reaction, don't you? Why give her what she wants?

      I know you are too smart to keep engaging in this infantile production. Do me a favor and ignore it.

      Dr. F is giving me a headache... ;/

      Delete
    4. That's exactly what I intend to do, doll. I made my mind up about that a few days back. Thank you for your mature suggestion. It's good to have people around who remind you not act on your impulses. :)

      Delete
  29. Dr Franklin Fomentile PhDMay 6, 2012 at 5:03 AM

    Reaction Formation is a defense mechanism which is unknown to the patient. The cast off trait(s) are lost to such a degree that the patient does not have access to them, anymore. However, nothing cast off stays down.It rears it's head in surreptitious ways.

    With reaction formation, the patient FINDS the cast off trait in another person or group. The latter is the case in extreme hatred of a group such as gays or blacks or in general bullying as is the case with Raven.

    In Ravens case, she is cast off her weakness i.e vulnerability. Hence, she FINDS in in those she thinks she can victimize.

    With any defense mechanism, the patient is rendered one dimensional, as Anon said, by virtue of the casting off process. The patient has lost part of /himself/herself. As such, this lost trait has reduced her inner dimensions. Anon used the word one dimensional. A better and more accurate word would have been reduced dimensions.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dr Franklin Fomentile PhDMay 6, 2012 at 5:16 AM

      I will add a caveat about Reaction Formation. It reduces one's judgement. Any cast off trait in a Reaction Formation manner reduces the patients emotional capacity, as well as intellectual capacity, to a lesser degree. In this case, Raven choose to victimize an individual with inherent strength, Monica. That was a poor choice as a target. Raven should have chosen a weaker target. Such is the case with reduced capacity.

      I hope Raven can learn from her mistake and move on as she has a life to live which consists of more than trying to target the weak and be overly submissive to those she perceives as strong. Herein lies the problem with defense mechanisms which started our original discussion and prompted the question from Grey.

      Defense mechanism render one lost to himself, in some way.

      I have things to do on this fine day. Thank you for allowing me a moment on SW. Good Luck to you Raven and find some help. I hope I was of some service to you, albeit in a less than desirable manner on a sociopath blog.

      Sincerely
      Dr F Fomentile PhD

      Delete
    2. Dr Franklin, thank you for explaining this reaction formation.
      May I ask you if I am sort of correct in my self analysis here?

      One thing I noticed about my choices in mates--I think they are narcissistic....if I hated my parents for being self-centered and the rest of my family, I chose to cast off their narcissistic lessons, so to speak.. so I target narcissists and think they're shit and my shit don't stink? But didn't know it? And this is why I have attracted them into my life, to feel "above" them or something? These are my "victims" ??? Yet I am being narcissistic in thinking I am "better person" than they are? SO I don't own my narcissism???

      Or:

      Cuz I really don't like weak vicious people. I have weak thoughts but don't share them, ie jealousy, self loathing, shallow thoughts. I have them and hate when I see others actually demonstrate them. I was told one of my mates and I were not right for each other was because we were too much alike.. I HATED his weaknesses. I still think he is way too nice.. I have been told I am too nice. He used to hate seeing license plates with MD because he had wanted to be a doctor. I used to HATE his old man thinking. I wanted to hack him to bits because I thought he was pathetic. I have self loathing but I won't say it outloud. I won't let others in because I find it so disgusting. so I ignore it to numb, to erase, to cast off? My whole family self loathes. It is epidemic.

      Is this right for reaction formation?

      Don't worry I will pay you later I promise. Just put your bill in CEO's mailslot. He's my dad :)

      Delete
    3. I'm not going to read this, so you wasted a lot of time and energy, for nothing. I will only say once again to leave me alone. Find yourself a new obsession or get yourself some help. You're making yourself look like a lunatic.

      Delete
  30. can a person become a sociopath after becoming intimate with one? I think the answer is yes..you learn how they think, react, feel (don't feel), have little weakness, do not react in the way normal human beings do and there is something exhilerating in it. They are free. i find myself becoming more "me". I feel like I am shrugging off some costume which I have been wearing uncomfurtably my whole life where I've tried to be "good", do teh "right" thing and in the end none of it is real, none of it is deserved. There is only the truth about human nature and it's not very nice..some people cover it up better than others, but it's always there. Most people will take what they can from others and if you're weak enough to fall for it you deserve to be taken advantage of. I was weak once and I see it very clearly..I deserved what I got and I have learned from my experiences...my teacher was very thorough in his lesson.

    ReplyDelete
  31. Raven - I'm not sure what your comment to me is since I can't see it fully. what i think you don't get..is that I don't give a s**t about what you think. You're the sad one always being "misunderstood" lol. I am in touch with myself very much, I know who I am now and I think that my "obsession" had more to do with seeing a side of myself I've hidden from. I think every negative experience can give you something. how many people here or anywhere really will admit to being used, taken advantage of and learn something from it? certainly not you Raven. You are the victim of whatever happened to you because you are so hurt and wounded...I feel sorry for you. Find strength in hardship, come out of torture triumphant, be strong, be invincible, pay them back tenfold. I owe "him" for opening my eyes I am no longer an innocent..I see through people, I see a great deal and I am happier for it. so life isn't roses and people are evil it's okay as long as you deal with the truth rather than hide from it.

    ReplyDelete
  32. I'm not sure what you're going on about. That I know of, I've never left a comment for you. Anyway... it was good of you to express your feelings of superiority over me, and the others here at SW. Feel better? Surly, you are the only one who has accomplished what you have. Truly special, like any other narcissistic person who comes here. Enjoy your triumph over me. :)

    ReplyDelete
  33. Raven - I want to apologize. I thought your comment was directed at me. i think I've become a bit defensive when attacked (have gotten so used to it lol)..
    btw - I don't feel myself superior to you or anyone else here I just want to learn and be open. In fact from reading your blog I can see you must have experienced the kind of things I can['t even begin to imagine and i would not presume to understand...I hope you can accept my apology.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I promise you that I was not attacking you in any way. I was actually very confused by your post. I have learned a lot here as well. About myself, and about the people who have helped to shape that self. Be it former, or who I am now. I should have made it more clear who I was addressing. My style of writing can be messy, and cryptic at times. I don't do it on purpose. My thoughts just move quicker than my fingertips. :D
      No need for an apology. You got spunk. I like that. :)

      Delete
    2. Raven - I really like how real some people are here no masks no illusions no bs. In a way I think that sociopaths are better than so many so called "good people" because they are what they are and they don't lie or delude themselves into "nice" wishful thinking. Honesty with oneself is not an easy thing. honesty with other people is oftentimes impossible but here I feel like I want nothing but that. Your posts are fascinating I look forward to reading more.

      Delete
    3. Well, they do lie. Haha! They just lie to others instead of lying to themselves. But I'm sure you meant they don't lie to themselves, so we are making the same point.

      As far a real goes... even here everyone is still very guarded about who they really are. That might have something to do with an atmosphere that has been set up to measure who is the more preferred kind of sociopath, verses the lowly sociopath that can't be romanticized into some vampire novel.

      They may be very blunt about a small aspect of who they are, but the masks never fully come off. The longer you stay here, the longer you will see this pattern of self-deluded ignorami, trying to paint this picture of omnipotence, no sociopath could ever live up to. They accept sociopaths, but only if they can keep the illusions of charm, beauty, pure logic, and divine strength and power.
      They don't want to see the really ugly side to it... The true personality under the personae.

      I set up my blog so that people may express that "ugly" side of themselves in a different atmosphere. One without measurement of right thinking vs. wrong thinking. Good sociopath vs. bad sociopath.

      So, welcome to the half-masked mascaraed ball. :)
      So pleased that you could join us. If you have any questions about who I am, I will answer them in as honest a way, as I am capable of by nature.

      Delete
    4. Raven - I don't mean to pry but I am so curious can you tell us a little bit about yourself what people, things, shaped you to be what you are. what motivates you, what are your relationships with people like? anything would love to hear.

      Delete
    5. Raven, tell me all about yourself. You are so fascinating.

      Delete
    6. Raven, how do you come upon your insights? I never met someone like you?

      Delete
    7. You can go to my blog and ask your questions, or hit me with an email, anonymous 12:32. I've told enough of my story here at SW. :)

      Delete
    8. @Raven

      These Ze-Ze posts are your so called "sock puppets"
      Not the original ZeZe.

      Delete
    9. The real ZeZe posts as Anonymous

      Delete
    10. Yeah... I figured as much. haha! Those posts are over the top. That's why I didn't respond directly to them.

      Delete
    11. Raven

      Like the Anon 10:22 over the top sock puppet

      Delete
    12. There is no way for me to tell for sure if any of those are sock puppets. They just sound like random anonymous posters, fucking around, trying to stir shit up. That's why I stopped responding.

      A sock puppet would be a regular who posts as other names, to fuck with people or to rally for themselves. They could be made up by a regular... who knows. But since nothing about their writing style stands out as familiar, it doesn't really matter to me.

      I'm only good a detecting who it is when they have a very distinct writing, or lingo style. Thanks for the heads up though.

      Delete
  34. Raven, you should use your life to help others not to be so self obsessed.

    ReplyDelete
  35. I see what you mean..I have seen many sides the charming, beautiful, charismatic, caring, etc. every good quality possible to the extreme and then within a second an angry, sadistic, evil side, followed by a cold, emotionless, let me tell why you mean nothing to me and not even blink while doing it side.

    Chameleon is what comes to mind..alien different way of thinking, responding, acting..different mechanisms of coping. The more you are around one the more it affects you maybe the more familiar this becomes it doesn't seem alien anymore. I see perfection in truly not giving a damn what anyone thinks, never feeling embarassed, never feeling concern or fear of another person's opinion of oneself. It feels very right to live in teh moment and for yourself do what you want..why should you live by anyone else's rules? of course you don't want to get caught;) But isn't there something really satisfying in making people believe you are one way when you are something completely different? Does anyone else know what I mean? isn't our personality really just a set of garments we select everyday..we can be anything we want and people are fooled into thinking that just because you appear sweet and innocent you truly are when it is the furthest thing from the truth. I have glimpsed it with 2 people in my life. They have taught me alot. The funny thing is that they don't realize what they are they think everyone thinks just like them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And do you feel like it would be better for them if they knew, "what they are"? I think it's a very human quality to want to make people see who they are, what they do, and try to reform them. But it is really our own arrogance in thinking we know what is best for everyone, not to mention that we measure their character against our own belief system, which is then measured against the views of the majority.

      But the truth is, (in my opinion), you can't really know what is best for anyone other than yourself. What works for you, may do serious damage to them. I tell my younger sister all the time: You may hate the fact that you have a lousy memory, and wish to strengthen it so you can see your past better. But sometimes the brain just goes ahead and does what it thinks is best. So if you've forgotten something major about your past... it may be something your mind is better off not remembering.

      A doctor may go on to say that it would be better to find those blocked memories so that you can deal with repressed feelings. But I am of the conclusion that you really can't know for sure if that is what someone really needs, until you wake them up to that lost memory, and see what it really does to them.

      We have a habit as humans, of thinking it is better for us to understand everything we possibly can... but I say that there is probably a very good reason we are only able to use a small percentage of our brains.

      Some things are more beautiful because of their mystery, not because of an absolute certainty based on human perception.

      Delete
    2. To both comments above^^^ nicely put. Very informative.

      Delete
  36. Raven - you are right the truth can be devesting..it can hurt like hell. I've been there and back and I am happy that I saw hell. A dark place, where there is no hope, nothing. I guess that's what they call depression although I never went to a pyschologist. looking back I can't imagine how I acted like such a victim. One day I will run into "him" again and he will "see" really see what I am and it wont' be pretty. I don't use the word "hate" lightly but i do hate him a great deal. i will play him, I will use every weapon I have to hurt him I look forward to it..greatly. I hope I'm not freaking you guys out lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There is nothing you could ever say to me, that would freak me out. So, it sounds like you're looking to get revenge?

      Delete
    2. Raven - thx it feels good to be real about all the negative emotions I have and I like not being judged. The truth is hate has turned cold into contempt. i don't even want to waste my time on this person.. He is the toughest person I have ever met. he is the one man whom I couldn't control he was in control and I realized it too late. I thought I was playing a game but I was the one who got played. If I saw him now I think that I would hurt him. i think I saw the real him. what motivated him, got to him, what turned him on and it was always so hidden. He was/is a closet sociopath, sadist. He is Mr.Nice guy to the world he uses his looks and his lack of morals to seduce everyone in sight, everyone loves him but underneath he loves to dominate, hurt, control, cold soul... The time and distance has helped to take away any feelings I have had. It took a long time..but I feel like myself again I feel calm, rational. I think I had something like Stockholm syndrome. Scary thing to lose yourself. But he helped me realize what i wanted to be a strong person, who never bowed to weakness, who never cared about what others thought. My biggest weakness was him but love has turned to hate or indifference maybe. It was a challenge it was hard but I conquered my emotion and that is sometimes the hardest thing to do.

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    3. I think you've done a very good job pulling yourself through. I see a lot of women coming here, trying to figure out how to keep their sociopath ex, or trying to win them back... or better yet, they come here looking for a replacement. You are a great deal smarter, ad stronger than those poor saps. Keep up the work on yourself. The hatred you may feel now will take care of itself as time goes on, and you keep yourself busy with other things.

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    4. it's like trying to tame a snake..a beautiful snake you feed and love it but one day it will bite you and as you lay dying asking why did you bite me the snake will look at you innocently and reply but why are you surprised afterall I am a snake it's in my nature:)

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