What you can learn from sociopaths (part 2)

Continued from the same reader, on the inauthenticity of neurotypicals, the downside of constantly looking to some uncertain future rather than living in the moment, the folly of "setting goals" for oneself, how empath wishful-thinking is a sociopath's playground, how the empath feeds the sociopath his lines, the impermeability of authentic empaths, and what you can learn from sociopaths:


The average neurotypical person is not in touch with his primal desires.  He is not authentic.  Instead he is concerned with some future benchmark that will bring in societal approval. This constant looking to the future prevents a realistic assessment and experience of the moment.  Instead the average neurotypical is constantly attempting to adjust and improve his character to something that will garner a legacy, social proof and close relationships.  Look at Facebook and see how many people are making plans for 5 years from now.  Then look at how they quote a famous philosopher whose words they have just read.  They haven't dwelled on these ideas long enough to comprehend them, let alone internalize them, and yet they think that by merely stating something that they will make it so.  Then before they are one step forward into living that quote they are quoting someone else.  

It's a character issue, average people constantly adjust their character in a Kentucky windage manner(also resembling the narcissist, albeit less extreme) leaving their authenticity just as muddled as before.  They lack a single-minded focus.  They are not in touch with their character because they don't know what it should be.  They are concerned with the future condition of their character and the acclaim that it will garner.  They are not concerned with where it is right now.  They don't know what it is because they see character as something to optimize.  They don't see it as something that just is--something that grows slowly, methodically and subconsciously through habit.  And since they are not interested in where their character is at present they are unlikely to figure out exactly what they truly feel or how they truly are at any given moment.  The average neurotypical thinks he can just wish a new and better character into existence. No wonder team-building workshops and self improvement seminars are always booked.  This wishfulness and lack of present-mindedness opens up weaknesses in the average person.  These weaknesses are ripe for the sociopath with his single-minded drive to exploit.

Character exists in the present, is personal and isn't subject to the reactions of others.  Socially brave/adept neurotypicals know this secret and so do sociopaths.  

The sociopath uses this character flux against the neurotypical and easily permeates the guard.  The sociopath can easily establish a strong rapport.  They just compliment the neurotypical on his/her latent gifts, brilliant opinions, great personality, groundedness, and his/her level-headed approach to life (which the sociopath also claims to share).  This validation of "I like you because I'm like you" feeds the social-proof need of the neurotypical.  The neurotypical leaves the interaction with the sociopath feeling better understood and more validated.  To improve the high the sociopath gave him the neurotypical doesn't apply a scientific eye to what just happened.  Looking at the rapport realistically would make it lose some of its wonder. This lack of realism accompanied with desire for more validation makes him drop his guard to the sociopath.  Once charmed the neurotypical will telegraph what he wants to hear before he asks.  The sociopath can just sit back and be coached into the right lines.

If the average person had more authenticity and a stronger sense of self than he wouldn't be as easily placated with the praise and agreement of the sociopath.

Outgoing authentic neurotypicals, or even cantankerous Clint Eastwood-types are not easily impressed by agreement and outside validation. Authentic neurotypicals are adept neurotypicals. I have great respect for them. They are confident and have the sociopath's level of calm.  They are authentic both inside and outside.  This manifests itself when they are not gun-shy on opinions (the way a sociopath is).  Their opinions are uniquely their own and not solely a means to impress.  In turn this means when they say something they validate themselves through consistency within themselves.  Adept people validate themselves through consistency and authenticity.  These kind of people become comfortable enough in conversation to take strong stances and open themselves up to argument and rejection. They let others know where they stand regardless of the chances for rejection.  This authenticity is a commodity to them and it works best when they project it.  They make what they think strongly apparent to others.  They project honesty, authenticity their personal brand into the environment. They attract strong allies and make it clear that dissenters, and sociopaths, should stay out of their way.  

So neurotypicals can say what they will of the sociopath's mask but at least the sociopath is internally consistent and that is something they should learn.

Embracing hedonism

A reader sent me this interesting video of Daniel Kahneman, father of behaviorial economics, talking about happiness.


Particularly he talks about how when we think about happiness, there are two selves that we should consider that are basically in constant conflict: our experiencing self and our remembering self. Our remembering self is a storyteller. Our remembering self is typically dominant in our identity in a very history is written by the victors sort of way. Something could happen one way, but because out remembering self is the one that either chooses to retain that memory or let it slip away like so many millions of other moments that we will never think upon again, it basically has the last and only word on whether we will remember something as having happened. The remembering self is vulnerable to particular biases like the focusing effect, which allow it to distort experiences to fit the stories.

It's easy for me to see this distinction in my own self, but I feel like my remembering self doesn't have quite the sway over my experiencing self that it does with most people? Like my friend who is obsessed with making money -- that is a very remembering self thing to do, to suffer through a difficult job in order to have the satisfaction and achievement of making money. I have never been that way. I live day to day. I specifically chose a job that leads to my greatest day to day enjoyment. My attention is by far directed to what is actually happening in this moment, rather than what happened in the past or may happen in the future. I bet this is true of all people who tend to be more hedonistic than goal oriented. I honestly don't see my life in terms of milestones and achievements (at least not solely, like others I know). I can actually think back on my life of experiences, I think, and not allow my remembering self to re-write my history, but to see days upon days filled with pleasure and believe that is the main accomplishment of my life. Of course that's going to mean that I make different choices than remembering selves would, and am probably ultimately more happy because it's easier to change your current moment to one of happiness than it is to change your entire life and self-concept.

But it is interesting hearing about how other people view their life. It's given me more insight in how other people think. And if your remembering self is all that matters, then maybe it makes sense to go Memento style and just re-write your own history.