What am I?

From a reader:

Over the past couple years, I’ve begun to think I’m a sociopath, and the most frustrating thing about being it, is that I’m alone in a way that normal people could never even begin to fathom. Granted, I rarely feel "lonely" anymore, but in my heart I know that I am, and always will be, TRULY alone. I will NEVER know [again] what it feels like to long for another person's company, to miss them when they are not there, or to be excited to see them once more. I haven't felt any of that in years. I can't even remember what it feels like. I will live and die alone, forced to watch every person around me chase that high that only emotions can deliver... that I'll never be able to feel... That’s what I mean by alone, I often wondered if other people felt like this and just acted happy to see an old friend because it’s the normal thing to do, but ever since I looked into the human condition of being normal, it quickly dawned on me that me not giving a shit about anyone or anything that doesn’t affect me wasn’t exactly a normal thing.

I’ve often wondered about ways in which I could convey this feeling of total emotional emptiness. Easier said than done though, how can you tell someone who has, say the ability of speech, what it’s like to be unable to communicate with the world? If you told someone to think about it, they could maybe have a rough idea but they’ll never be able to truly understand. But here’s the funny part, I just don’t seem to care about my inability to feel real compassion, I don’t think of it as a loss, or a disadvantage, I have a sort of… indifference towards it, or usually I see it the total opposite nothing more than a gift of clarity and reason, the only way I could ever describe it is if I use my life as an example, because I’ve never really known anyone to feel this way before

I've got a lot of friends. Well, acquaintances, rather. People like me, and not just because of some strange charm that a lack of feelings is meant to give. True, a good bit of my charm is superficial, and yeah, most of my social interactions feel forced or even downright faked, but people like me for a different reasons. Despite my less-than-human existence and my inability to form emotional connections, people are always drawn to me when they need help or advice, I used to think I was pretty emotional before I realised I was only doing it because I felt like it was easier than saying “sorry, but your problem’s a load of crap and the fact you haven’t figured out how to sort it out yet, despite the fact it’s staring you right in the fucking face. Is totally yours to deal with, mainly because now that you’ve told me all about it, it’s not interesting anymore and so I don’t really give a flying fuck.”

But no, people are drawn to me because I know how to listen and care (when really I just know how to pretend to listen and care, when really I just don’t). More than that, I know how to listen without judging. I'm not clouded by petty, trivial emotions, so I don't look at other people with the same silly emotion-based prejudices that everyone else does. If I like someone, I accept them for all of who they are, the good and the bad, but it’s truly unconditional. I can be "friends" with anyone. 

So how can I let people see my reasoning, well think about all your friends. Think about how you feel about them. Hold on to that while you read this next part: 

I've got friends that I've known pretty much all of my life. I've got friends that should be closer than family. I've got friends that have been through hell with me, who would show up at my beckon call if needed... and that bothers me... a bit... because I'll never be able to return that.

It's very hard to explain, but no matter how much I want to want other people, I never do. No matter how much I want to need to feel close to another human being, I never do. No matter how much I want to be human, I never am.

I don't miss people when they walk away. Not anymore. Out of sight truly becomes out of mind. And I do almost feel bad about it from time to time, but it doesn't change. It never does. People walk out of my life and it feels as though nothing has changed, I recently moved to the other side of the country and I won’t be able to see my friends (with whom I’ve spent the everyday with for the past 9-10 moths with, probably about 19 hours day with, whenever I was up, I was with them) and now that I’m gone, they all say how much they miss me, but I just don’t miss them, at all, or even my parents for that matter.

I remember I had to go to a funeral a year or so ago, and it was for beloved family member, someone that I “loved” and “cared” for a lot, but she was a very nice lady, caring, compassionate person. But she always knew I didn’t care for that, and always treated me as an equal even from a young age. I liked her a lot for it, she was the only person who ever treated me the way I wanted to be treated, just let me get on with my own thing (mainly games, television and smoking, once I started last year, she was the only one who didn’t really mind it). She was one of my favourite family members, the more I researched into who I was and sociopathy as a whole the more I thought that she was one, and recognised even from an early stage that I was as well.

But when I found out she died, I felt... nothing. Most of my family were standing around fighting tears or shamelessly crying and I felt cold and empty.

They say I don't feel guilt, but I almost do. I felt what could have been misconstrued as guilty that day. I felt guilty that this women I liked and came-as-close-to-caring-about-as-I-could died and all I could do was think "wow, that's... sad… I guess."

And a few moments later, it was as if nothing at all had happened.

I know I'm a different. But am I right for thinking I’m a sociopath?

Soft sociopathic traits

A lot emails that I receive from people describing their sociopathic traits strike me as being not quite placeable (nothing inconsistent with the diagnosis, but nothing really suggesting it either). This one seems to share a remarkable number of the "soft" sociopathic traits -- not quite in any textbook or diagnostic criterion, they are still traits that show up remarkably frequently in the sociopaths I have come to know. These soft traits include things like sexual fluidity, the particular instrumental way that charm is used, the obliviousness to certain things and hyper awareness at others.  From a reader:

As I’m sure since the subsequent publication of your book you receive these types of emails and attempts at correspondence daily, I will attempt to make this little stab at conversation short and sweet. Just a footnote here, I have no desire to exploit you and this is not an attempt to parallel our experiences. I suppose I am contacting you to relay some experiences of mine and perhaps receive some feedback.

My friend recently proposed the term, “sociopath” to me in passing conversation. I laughed off his name calling because I reasoned with myself: I grew up in a loving, stable environment, I have always had friends and significant others and I’ve always been keenly aware of my significance to them. I am not some brooding psychopath. I will admit here that I was unaware of the difference between “psycho” and “socio” and incorrectly found them mutually exclusive. However, the term “sociopath” sizzled in my brain for quite some time and I decided to delve into studying this alleged “disorder” and try to either self-diagnose or abandon the subject completely if it wasn't applicable to me. I reevaluated nearly every memory I can tap into and here’s just a sample of the conclusions I've come to:

By the age of 18, I had been arrested for assault, theft, and possession of criminal tools, vandalism, and a negligible complicity charge. At the various times of these altercations, I always was able to weasel my way out of the worst possible consequences. In my family’s eyes, I was a merely a victim of circumstance of hanging around the “wrong crowd” or being “scared, anxious” to be going away to college. At the time I think I believed those explanations myself. I have been in several altercations and what I refer to as “battles” with my family members often resulting in periods of estrangement with them.

Each one of my relationships throughout high school and my young adult life ended with a bang. The first ended in me cheating and spreading a rumor that my boyfriend had essentially taken advantage of me sexually. The second ended in cheating on my part as well and in a fiery battle with her parents that ended in a restraining order against me. The third was almost identical to the second. During these relationships, I would always befriend my significant other’s circle of friends and more often than not they all ended up liking me more than my girlfriend/boyfriend. I never felt particularly attached to my boyfriends or girlfriends, I always felt like, “well, I’m young, I don’t have to care about them or take these relationships seriously.” I have always identified as a bisexual. I like the differences between sexes and have never been able to adequately identify with one or the other. I am sexually fluid. This has always stirred confusion with those who have been in relationships with me and I've often heard they feel threatened by everyone around me, male or female.

Throughout my childhood and adolescence, I was considered above average. I was and still am an avid reader and consider myself to be fluent in many musical instruments. I excelled in every activity I tried, guitar, drums, English, horseback riding, swimming, and softball. Music became somewhat of an obsession for me and I have become integrated in an underground community of musicians. I won several awards in academics and was able to attain a generous scholarship to a school I couldn’t otherwise afford. My family is exceedingly proud of me and I have always known I was the “favorite” to my various grandparents, aunts, and uncles.

I began waitressing at a small diner at the age of 16. I charmed my way into the hearts of many customers who still contact me after transferring to a different store several hours away. I consider myself to be the ideal employee, by befriending upper management and kissing a little ass I am mostly free to do as I please without consequence. However, I have managed to get approximately 5 people fired and dozens written up.  

You’re probably wondering why I failed to pick up on these things earlier or even realize how “abnormal” I am. The only explanation I can come up with is that maybe that’s just how the emotional and physical world naturally occurs in my mind. My “normal” is just maybe a variance on the society’s perceived notion of normalcy. I could go on forever but again, I am lazy. I realized rather quickly how much I assume the role of “sociopath” by textbook definition and although I have statistically come into contact with many sociopaths, you are the only one I have found to be formally diagnosed and have a way to contact.

Am I... ?

From a reader:

First of all great blog. I really like that you don't talk about sociopathy, but through it. I find it similar to reading for example Nietzsche - nothing new, but if I find it HERE people must see it differently, it's funny how blind they are.

Moving to main part of this email I feel, that I will screw English terribly ;) If you want to publish it feel free to fix anything that sounds really bad.

I'd like to ask, what would you consider me to be. I tried tests – I always score full points on “lack of feelings and machiavelism” scale while having average score on aggression. On PCL-R I get about 17.
Where to start...
Maybe with what I'm not. I don't like killing animals and never did. Ants, some frogs etc, but not mammals. I don't commit crimes on daily basis and I'm not impulsive. I cheat in any way available and I find it enjoyable, but I didn't steal for fun or anything like it. When I had to fight few times in my life I just turned off anything but anger, so I could aim for eyes and veins, but I it was always a choice and I could stop at any point. I also wouldn’t say I’m fearless, I know that emotion pretty well. That will be it about being normal.

I’m narcissist, but I work on it. It’s like drug and I don’t like anything to control me. I guess you know that nice feeling, when people say how they think, that they know you really well, when they only know mask – or even better feeling, when they tell you, how they can see through your mask and describe another mask as “real you” ;) But the drug part is the only thing that I fight with. I feel better, I don’t think about “difficulty level” when I choose goals and so on.
I play with people. I see them like they were sets of algorithms. I read “Influence” by Cialdini when I was 8-10 year old and I never stopped learning psychology from that point (I’m 21 now). I always could easily imagine how to break someone or how to help him evolve and I find both ways enjoyable – what I care about is how good am I with it. And I am pretty good ;).
I don’t think there is any “real me” behind all that games.
I never felt remorse. I also didn’t feel love, attachment or friendship and I don’t think I fully believe these are real things like people describe them. I know it on cognitive level, that they exist but I just feel like it was some fake. I know happiness, anger, some lust, sorrow(and I think it’s nice),fear/anxiety and flow. Actually, I heard few times that people find it hard to imagine me in any other mood then happy.
I’m also pretty smart. I like math, physics or philosophy and can understand them as well as I can remember lots of biological stuff. At the moment I study three full courses and it’s just fine. I even prefer when I have more to do and I find time pressure fun.

Opinions?

P.S.
There is a book “Psychopaths among us” by Hare. Nothing spectacular, but read part about successful sociopaths. There is also “Time Paradox” by Zimbardo. Basing on what you wrote about your analogy-based world perception I think you will find connecting those ideas enjoyable 

Diagnose me: socio or victim?

From a reader:


Recently, with my lifestyle this past year living with complete fuck ups, alcoholics, drama driven bastards, I've come to notice that I easily start putting myself above them. I'm very intelligent. Graduated cum laude, have awesome friends and an absolute spontaneous lucrative lifestyle. Although, with the roommate situation (considering these 2 are the only ones I tend to attack) idk if I'm picking up sociopathic traits or I'm just coming out of my shell and saying fuck it I'm just being honest! I've done my research on sociopathic traits and I fit a LOT of them but I am also honest to myself in every way and feel completely justified in my actions and control. I've even had outside opinions and a consensus on how I've expressed my opinion towards these people as a strong validated one! But the further I look into it. I see that other characteristics of a sociopath fit me. I HAVE moved around a lot. I had a problem keeping close friends due to me putting myself above them at every chance I could because most of the time they were liars or posers putting off this front when I've worked so hard to get where I am! So I began looking at them as the weaker species if u may. Then finding weaknesses and attacking them for it because I was so pissed about their denial of who they are! I WAS financially irresponsible big time. I wasted probably 35 grand last year on bikes, a car, stupid clothes, drinks, passes, tickets, dining out, picking up tabs and just literally giving money away and also helping my girlfriend. I do have a hard time feeling true hurting emotion but then I jump back to my justifications of having been in jail before, I know that NO feeling in the world can be as bad as that so nothing on the outside world really hurts me much because its better than jail, I'm alive and free and everything has always been okay in my life and I know where I'm going and it's better than most people I've encountered and I feel superior to them not only because of my suspected sociopathy but because I've been through so much shit in my life and came out on top being smarter, with an amazing girlfriend and a lucrative career now. Another trait of sociopathy is talking in circles lol which I do a lot only because my mind moves so fast I just can't stop. It's like the avg human can speak 600 wpm, can listen to up to 1500 wpm and THINK at like 3000 wpm due to shortening of words, grouping and imaging. ME? I'm above that in every way and it's a fucking curse.

Anyway, I was considering to go see a doctor and idk if I would be DIAGNOSED with sociopathy or what lol. I have a lot of the TRAITS but my reasonings are justified! Am I a sociopath or a person who doesn't put up with shit and likes to feel better than others who were worse off than me but can't admit that they're just fuck ups and DO something about it.!? Ill be the first to admit my wrong doings, I do not lie and in fact I'm one of the most honest people my friends have ever known and my friends come to me all the time about advice, suggestions and guidance. I've never lied TO ANYONE about my life and where I'm going, what i think etc etc but if I'm in a rough spot I WILL lie to myself to pull myself through it and I have this saying to myself, well 2 actually. "Fake it 'til you make it!" And "Let Go, Let God"

I'm only writing u due to a question I typed into bing "what's the best comeback if someone calls you a sociopath" .. I was never considered a sociopath until the other night when my roommate, who I've just been being BRUTALLY honest with because I'm tired of his shit, said that a bartender thinks I could be a sociopath. So I looked it up and was thinking .. You know what's cool about being a sociopath? WE KNOW WE ARE AND QUITE FRANKLY DONT GIVE A FUCK!

Guess I've just been through a lot in my life from a pretty hectic arrest record for being caught doing things that any normal person has done like fighting but hurting the other guys so much they called the cops, or a DUI which I did jail for to get it dropped, and the rest of the stuff is traffic violations. Been to jail, but stuck it out and battled back to graduate even tho it took my 6 years and an extra $80,000, and have even been attacked by personal demons and seen both spectrums of the spiritual world if u believe in all that shit like I do now only because I've felt and seen some things in my life. (Talking in circles again) anyway.

I'm assuming you're a sociopath? Fuk idk. Can I get an opinion based on my rambling here? Or am I about to be victim of a sociopath? Lol I haven't a clue..

What am I?

From a reader:


Hey going through a sort of crisis: (I'm kind of all over the place in this. I wanted to just write fast without thinking)

I'm 22 and in college and don't know if I'm really emotional or not emotional at all. I'm not really social and usually only have a few close friends. I'm a male, straight, decent looking but have hard time making connections with others. I am extremely self conscious. I analyze everything I do and can read most people like a book. I can tell when people are faking and what they're thinking of most of the time. I can't stand when people get macho for small reasons.

 I don't know if I'm really confident or not confident at all. I'm better at things than most people and i know this but I still rather be myself. There are a bunch of hot girls who want me but I have no clue what to do. Whenever i do hookup with girls, it's usually within minutes of meeting them and usually i don't know their names and they don't know mine. 

I care what people think about me but i want them to think of me in a certain way. I can argue with the best of them but not really sure if I believe in the things i argue. I usually tell the truth about things I do but not about myself; I tend to keep emotions out of things. And again I don't know if it's because I don't have any or good at managing them. I feel like I'm in complete control of myself, to the point I never do anything spontaneous. But most people think I'm this crazy risk taker who never gets nervous. The weird thing is ideas and thoughts scare me more than actually doing things. I usually find when do things I get bored. If I'm on a roller coaster it doesn't phase in the least bit but the thought of having the roller coaster break off and me go flying a million miles per hour into the ground will scare me. I basically can scare myself better than other things can scare me. 

I talk to myself a lot. My mind is basically always going. I don't know if i care about people or just think i do. I don't if i care about people or just think I do. For the past 8 months I've been isolating myself and don't know how to come out of this slump. Nothing excites me anymore. I honestly don't know if anything ever excites me or if i have and just forgotten. I never feel compelled to do anything. I have fallen for girls before. I come off as really charming to a point i know in the back of my head I can't keep it up. But I don't if I actually can and just don't believe in myself enough. I have a really good sense of humor and when I'm feeling good can get people going. I can find humor in anything. I really admire people who make things that look good and flashiness. I know i said I'm self doubting but I'm cocky at the same time. Because when I try I'm usually the best at whatever I do. Most people know this. People poke fun at how lazy I am and my mind don't care attitude but they know not to mess with me because I can do whatever they do twice at good. 

I'm caught up between trying to be a saint or a badass. I really don't want to be either and just live my life but I think in extremes. That's why I can't tell if i'm highly emotional or not emotional. I want to fuck every girl i meet but don't know how to make it happen. I also want to be a walking therapist because I can come up with solutions to almost everyone else's problems but can't solve my own. 

I'm not crazy. i don't see things, don't hear any voices but my own. I basically see things exactly how they are. I find wholes in everyone's logic and way of living. Most people look at me like I'm doing something wrong but I literally keep to myself and don't bother people. Sometimes I can look at a girl for to long. But usually they look back in the same manner i look at them. I just don't know how to approach them. I'm really manly in my actions and usually don't back down from problems but a have a flamboyant energy. Guys hit on me sometimes and I usually don't catch until someone says something. I like nice people I guess.

I have friends say to me that we're the same person. I don't know if i'm really relate-able because i'm really honest or I mimic people without knowing. I kind feel like I don't really change who I am unless I'm around someone I admire or a pretty girl or if i want something, then i try to turn on the charm. I think I just have magnetic personality when I feel confident and people are drawn to it. But it comes and goes. Recently its been gone and I feel miserable. I don't like leaving my room, drinking, smoking, going to class. Everything's a choir at this point. I'm not sure if I'm depressed or just am now noticing my true nature.I really don't like people right now. I feel like all I can see is there worst characteristics. Can't tell if I've always felt like this. In high school I got most unique laugh. Don't know if i been laughing with people because they're funny or at because how stupid they are. The favorite times in my life is when I have friends. 

What do you think? Sociopath? Empath?Something else? Say fuck with everyone else and live for myself?

Diagnose me

From a reader:

Hey, I'm 17 and I took lots of the psychology tests online and the results are that apparently I'm a psychopath. But I would like an opinion from somebody who is one (takes one to know one?). Anyways, I've been called cold and inconsiderate of feelings by my friends all the time. I really don't care what happens to anybody, and I don't remember what it feels like to feel bad for somebody, or maybe I don't know. I've killed a few animals just because I can, for example I was walking in a forest with my friend during a camping trip and saw a baby squirrel that fell out of its nest and was trying to clumsily clamber up the tree, I quickly grabbed a thick stick and rammed it into the squirrel impaling it right through the chest, just because I wanted to, because I COULD. 

Anyways later my friend told people what I did and I twisted it so that it seemed he was a bigger part of it. I never feel bad for anything, and at school when it doesn't benefit me, I enjoy degrading people but when confronted I always seem to talk people into the ground. I also enjoy using people and its surprising how easy it is to convince people that I'm not mean to them when I need to use them. I also don't have much patience for things and get bored much too easily, I've went out to go look for some stray cats or somebody's that might be outside to kill (I did it once by snapping its neck) some animals but never find them. Also here's a big part, I ENJOY making people angry, either get them angry at me or at somebody else. The madder I make somebody, the better I feel, a sense of satisfaction overcomes. But this could come with making people frustrated with things or others. Can you explain that part to me and if it has anything to do with psychopathy/sociopath. 

Also I never feel nervous or afraid, we would have a big test and everybody was nervous except me. I've watched videos on the internet of people being decapitated and in one video the decapitee started screaming and I didn't give a shit. I think I'm pretty smart and constantly challenge myself by taking the hardest classes possible, and I see things way differently than other people do, in the sense that how easy it is to exploit and manipulate people, how feelings never inhibit me and they're pretty shallow I think. Anyways can you get back to me with your conclusion ?