Masks and madness (part 2)

(cont.)

As I once told another reader:

I can get very very immersed in my masks, to the point of losing control. Sociopaths are very flexible, yes, but even we have limits. I like to think of it as a rubberband, stretch and flexibility, but if you stretch it too far, it snaps. I actually had a recent experience with this. A close friend's father was dying of a very long and painful illness. I had a lot of respect and admiration for this particular friend and this friend had been very understanding of me and my condition -- an "uber-empath" and one of the few people i have trusted with my identity. I wanted to repay the favor. One of my biggest consolations from being a sociopath is that I can handle certain things that no one else can, which I think can be very useful to people in need. For instance, this friend is eccentric, has a unique life vision, is brilliantly smart, but firmly idealistic in what were often untenable ways. Still, I respected this way of living a human life to the point that I wanted to enable it if I could. Always in the friendship I was understanding, completely tolerant, always agreeable, respectful, and charming in a way tailor-fit to my friend's needs. After the father got sick, I delved even more into my friend's reality, and became even more "tailor-fit," probably what you would consider mask-wearing. A huge portion of my existence was wrapped up in this, too big.

After a while I sensed weakness in my mental capacity. I felt like I was losing touch with reality, that I was going crazy, and it freaked me out. I had pushed the limits too far. I had had such confidence in my abilities to retain control, to keep perspective, to remain consistent, to continue using my special sociopath skills to be that perfect friend and support. I "snapped." I had little to no control. I had emotional hallucinations, to the point where I wasn't sure what was real anymore. I had lost track of who I was. My behavior was inconsistent, even erratic. I became fixated on random things, random people, imbuing them with meanings that they did not have. I had lost all objectivity. Finally after months of us both trying to piece things back together (to my friend's loyal credit), I just gave up and severed ties. I knew I was past the point of no return, there was no going back to the way things were.

So that's what I think of when you ask me how carried away do I allow myself to get in my masks. Always with any close relationship you will get pretty carried away, depending on the person and what that person means to you, what role they have in your life, their importance. Those are going to be the most elaborate "masks." I don't know if I have a good internal quality control check on how elaborate I will allow myself to get with them, though. I seem to have a pretty bad track record with restricting myself that way, actually. Some of my close friends and family absolutely love me (I have many more people who think that I am their favorite friend than vice versa). Others I ultimately fail, sometimes in very destructive ways.

But back to your original question. If someone asks me to be more "supportive," from my perspective that could possibly include everything.

Masks and madness (part 1)

A reader asks me: "When an empath asks you to be 'supportive,' what does that mean to you? As far as what behaviors or actions does that include from your perspective?" My response:

Ah, it could mean so many things really. If someone I was dating was asking me to be supportive, I would assume what that person really meant was that they were not feeling fulfilled somehow, i.e. I was not filling a need for them. The thing is, when I am in a relationship with someone, I am constantly devoting energy to fulfilling their needs. Have you seen the film Watchmen? Do you know the sex scene with Dr. Manhattan and Silk Spectre where he has multiplied himself to please her, but also to take care of some other business? That's sort of how it is. On the one hand I feel like I have a greater ability to please whoever I am with because of my flexible sense of self makes it easy for me to be the perfect lover for a variety of people. On the other hand, there is something somewhat artificial and slightly creepy about it, I imagine.

But my point is this: from the beloved's perspective, all their needs should basically be getting met. If they have a problem with the fundamentals of the situation, i.e. they in some ways are uncomfortable with the fact that you don't think the same way they do, or don't have the same sorts of emotions or interactions with people that they do, then that is it for the relationship. That is a deal breaker. If that is not the problem, then there is always something else that I can do, or some new approach I can try that could fix things.

But when my beloved says that I need to be more "supportive," that doesn't necessarily mean anything to me other than I am failing in some way to meet their needs. It's like a baby's cry. Who knows what it is about, frequently even the baby doesn't know why they are upset. The only solution, essentially, is for you to go through the list of most likely ailments until you come up with a cure. Is it because the child is hungry? Tired? Has an upset stomach? All those could also apply to your beloved. Or maybe the beloved feels stifled, or smothered, or isn't getting enough respect, or feels like s/he always gives and never gets in return, is never listened to, feelings like worry or hopelessness are quickly listened to only to immediately provide a solution (sometimes empaths don't like that, they think it is dismissive of their feelings -- they would rather you empathize with them about the problem than have it solved). You go through the list of things most likely to be causing the problem, maybe take the "supportive" suggestion as a cue to review other recent events and try to pinpoint what exactly has caused the empath to ask you specifically to be more supportive. Why did they choose that particular word? Maybe they are jealous, maybe they feel insecure about their own decisions, maybe they want you to suspend your own rationality and worldview and adapt theirs. It's possible, it is all possible, but changing my world viewpoint is one thing, when it comes to denying objective realities, that is harder. It requires Herculean strength for me to be irrational. I can do it, but it's like holding my breath. Which is funny, because it usually just involves holding my tongue.