A reader writes:
I think I may possibly be a narcissist. I found your website, and it opened my eyes and has been more informative than you can imagine.
Even from when I was a child, I have had strong impulses to hurt people and animals. Its just random, there is no reason for it really, but I still find myself wanting to beat someones head in with a bat. And it scares me sometimes, because I'm pretty sure that isn't normal.
I would have strange outbursts of rage, and always play my parents against each other when trying to get the things I wanted. They took me to a therapist suspecting that I had anger issues, but all the therapist concluded was that I was extremely manipulative. When I found out what it meant, I felt empowered, or smug, as if I had something that I could easily use against my parents or other people to get what I wanted. Before that though, I had no idea I was being manipulative, it was just a natural thing, you know? Just part of who I was. It was just my natural way of being. After the therapist though, I had a name for it.
And I realize that I am still, I get a satisfaction out of playing with people's emotions and using them in whatever way suits me, even if it hurts them in the process. I just love it, and to me it is fun. I know its not right, but I need to do it.
I am a compulsive liar, I lie for no reason. I cant seem to stop, even if the lie has no effect on anything. I hate the world around me and am constantly disgusted with people, and consider myself apart from them. Better, and different in the fact that I am deeper than them and have a superior sense of understanding things, and that they will never understand anything I tell them.
However I have no criminal record whatsoever, and have no authority problems. Not that i dont want to, sometimes I want to compulsively kill people or hurt someone, but I realize that if I did that I would just be put in jail and my life as I know it would come to an end. I understand that I have to follow the rules just like everyone else, and so I do.
I believe I do have some empathy, though it seems to come and go. And my empathy is very limited. The only people I consider my equals are those I like and find 'worthy'.
I have read through a lot of the information on your site, on blogs, etc. But I just dont know what to think or consider myself. When I read stories, or personal experiences from sociopaths or narcissists I feel like its me speaking. It just fits. I'm scared to tell anyone, in that they may think I am making this up, and honestly I don't want a label anyways. All I want is to know who I am, and to have a reason or a name, or even people to talk to who understand me. I cannot tell you how good it feels to get this out, and to speak to someone who might for once listen, and I would be so grateful if you could even shed a sliver of light on my situation.