Emotional palette

A reader writes about his "emotional palette":

Being this way, I feel like I’m an expert in identifying emotion because I rarely express any real ones, creating the majority of my daily ones from scratch. Like oil painting, I use mix of small amounts of mental garbage and physical movements that take on the form of a variation of the only three genuine emotions: anger, happiness, or sadness. Those are sort of like the red, blue, and yellow of emotions that can be used to make all the other various shades.

At least, that’s how I would break it down for the average emotional someone who doesn’t get that a lot of them are simply wasted energy.

Sociopaths and animals (part 1)

A reader asks:

Dear ME,

After reading your website, I've come to believe that I'm possibly a mild sociopath. Not only is my world view and general behavior in many ways consistent with a sociopath but my childhood and teen years definitely have featured the kind of social rejection consistent with the development of this disorder. However one thing keeps on bugging me. A commonly described characteristic of sociopaths is cruelty to animals. But I have never been cruel to animals. In fact, I feel a profound love for animals of all kinds, even going out of my way to kill many species of bugs. In my childhood, I bought a pet snake, because I thought it would be cool but ended up in tears when I first watched my snake constrict a baby mouse. Indeed, seeing animals in pain or seeing people behave cruelly towards them has always been upsetting to me.

Is it even possible for an actual sociopath to feel this kind of strong connection to animals? Let me reiterate that my feelings towards humans are almost completely opposite: I'm a total misanthrope and have no faith at all in human nature. My theory for this dissonance is that, while humans have always treated me like shit, even though I've been nothing but kind to them, animals have always reciprocated my friendliness. One recent anecdote serves as a kind of mise en abyme for my entire relationship with animals. A girl I'd been hooking up with had inexplicably broken things off with me. I left her residence in tears, and collapsed in the woods outside her house. It was cold and I was sobbing in the darkness when I heard something coming towards me. One of the cats that lived at her house had followed me and rubbed it's face affectionately against my body, purring as it nuzzled back and forth. The cat was there to comfort me when the human had broken my heart. And that pretty much encapsulates my relationship with animals throughout life.

Playing doctor (part 1)

A favorite childhood game of mine. Shall we give it a go?

Dear sir,

I just stumbled across your website. I hadn't really considered it but given what I tell you, what do you think is the chance? I don't really care either way but that would be funny.

I used to kill wasps when I was young. When I was 18 I caught a hedgehog in my garden, stabbed it right through and poured boiling water over it, hahaha lol. So I stabbed it again...then I impaled it with a shard of wood and threw it into my neighbour's garden. It was squealing for like an hour. When I saw its little face it almost looked human.

I used to get angry and kick my dogs. I really like them though.

When I was a little older, I was put into a mental hospital for telling a girl I was going to kill her. She pissed me off. I was never diagnosed though.

Past 5 years I've been studying law at one of the top universities in the world. It was only meant to take 3. But I just disappeared for two of them and did drugs and fucked prostitutes.

I've bled my parents dry. I get probably 1k dollars per week from my parents. They are idiots. I've spent it all on drugs and alcohol. I only just got internet cause I'm bored.

I've been caught drink driving a few times...idk. I had a job for a few months but I just left randomly during the day without telling anyone. Lost that, my dad got me that job so he looks like a retard now lol.

I don't have any real friendships. I cut everyone out when an important social circle dies. I've never been able to maintain a friendship.

But I would never consider myself a sociopath because I can get very angry about girls. When I know they like me I assume they are 'mine' and if they do otherwise I rage, sometimes for months. I can be quite obsessive. I think I'm just fucked up...what do you think?

Yours faithfully,

My response:

I don't think that getting "angry" at girls precludes the possibility of you being a sociopath. A more predictive indicator is that you seem apathetic about a vilified diagnosis, e.g., "I don't really care either way but that would be funny." Should we post your story on the blog and see what others think?

Sympathy vs. empathy (part 2)

My response:

Ha, hard to know if we're bad people, what does that even mean? I definitely think we can feel genuine sympathy or sadness, though. Sympathy just means feeling sorry for them, and has nothing to do with feeling what they feel or whatever else empathy is supposed to mean. I feel sorry for people when something bad happens to them or they cry or are otherwise struggling because I know what it feels like to have something bad happen to you, and it can be heart wrenching. I think we understand emotions a lot better than people think we do, but I also think that our understanding isn't too good unless/until we have experienced that exact same emotion, gone through that exact same experience before. At least for me, the more I can see other people as myself (i.e. the more they mirror me or my own past experiences), the better I can understand them. That doesn't seem strange or disturbing to me, but they keep telling me that there is this magic empathy thing that people are somehow born with a magical sense that allows them to feel what others are feeling naturally.

Reader:

Yes I understand what you mean. I truthfully think we sociopaths have a higher understanding of human emotion than most normal people do. Maybe because we spend so much time trying to analyze it to understand it. I think we are very emotionally intuitive and can pick up on when someone is lying or bullshitting us, or at least I can. I can meet people and within 5 minutes know what kind of person they are. This comes to my aid a lot when it comes to friendships...I know so many things about these people, they don't even realize I pick up on it. It's like you always know their intentions. I like this being able to 'read' people quality. It certainly helps with life.

As for sympathy, I can relate to an emotion someone is having as in...I understand it perfectly...though since it's not me going through it, I tend to not care. It doesn't mean I want them to suffer, I just have no feelings towards it at all.

Sympathy vs. empathy (part 1)

A reader writes:

I ran across your blog and just wanted to say I really like and agree with what you've written. I'm a sociopath myself, so maybe I'm just happy (yes, we do feel some emotions, don't we lol) to run into someone that understands what it's like. You present the information on what it's like to be a sociopath is a very honest and straightforward way, and I respect that. I, too, have come out to people who I've suspected are sociopaths themselves, but generally if I don't want someone to know, they don't. There's a certain kindred feeling I get in recognizing someone who is like me. Sometimes I admit as much to people as I believe I can get away with, such as admitting to being manipulative or deceitful to get what I want. Like everything, there's an agenda to that: it shows the person I consider them close enough to be able to open up to them and reveal intimate details about myself, and it also gives me attention. And if this person is someone I want something from, well you get the idea.

But I wonder, do you think we are "bad" people? I hate using that word because it seems so black and white. But there are times I almost think I do feel genuine sympathy or sadness, or what I imagine it would feel like, but then again this could be me fooling myself into trying to believe I am normal. Oftentimes, I find myself imitating the behavior I see on TV shows or soap operas, and it's like playing a role of sorts. My grandpa is dying of cancer and will be dead in a few months' time and I stand to inherit his home when he passes. The idea of owning a home is of course a plus for me, and I admit when the doctors expressed a slight chance he may live, I was even disappointed because it meant I wouldn't get my house after all. But things have gone downhill and although I do my best to show sympathy, I know I want that house. I'd never kill him myself, but you get the picture. But just thinking that I can behave this way gets me depressed and I can say I can genuinely make myself cry for real, but not in any way that expresses sympathy for my grandfather...more like a self-involved "why do I have to be this way" thing. I realize I am not normal and my emotions are not normal, but that doesn't mean I believe them to be wrong. I often find myself accusing others of having false emotions, but then I realize that's most likely because they seem so foreign to me that I think everyone must be faking it like myself. It shocks me to find out people actually DO care about others and it's genuine.

If I do feel sadness or empathy, it stems from the fact that I realize I am not normal and I can make myself cry about this. Like "What's wrong with me? What am I lacking? Why can't I be normal?" But I can never seem to cry over anything regarding -another- person. If I hurt someone and I cry about it, it's not because of any remorse, it's more like "Jeez I'm so screwed up"...notice the "I'm" there. It makes it selfish, if you know what I mean.

Survival of the fittest

A sociopath talks about teaching children empathy and growing up.

I went to catholic grade school. I remember being "taught" do unto others as you would have done unto you. I remember thinking I get it but what's that mean? When I was maybe 23, 24? I remember hearing the word empathy, or empathetic fools or something like that in a nirvana song and saying to myself hmmm, what's that mean? I looked it up. After further research I came along a short story on how to teach preschoolers empathy and so I began doing so with my daughter. But I also remember thinking damnit! Why didn't anyone teach me this when I was in grade school, could I have been different? It was nice to learn what the golden rule real REALLY means, to this day I can't say I believe or practice it (lol) I treat people close to me very good, I treat people I may need something from with my chraming gift giving self, I treat people I could careless about like just that, and the people close to me can see the quick switch flip, they say oh I see "you" coming oh no... They say the transition in persona's takes 2 mild agitations and I switch. Let's say like the incredible hulk, only cooler, and more able to communicate clearly. Because I then become brutally honest, far from charming, and very demanding. Its almost a shame. Its a decent skill, it should be valued.

[On the application of the law of the jungle or everyone is equal] I can't say I enjoyed here's your turn now... I became resentful of those terms almost like people should earn their places. When I was in gym class I was often picked by the teacher to be a captain then being able to choose my teammates, the teachers picked me because they saw me as a good sport who always picked the lousy players first so they didn't feel left out. And I would pick the crappiest volley players first, the shy awkward unpopular kids, but not to make them "feel" good... I did it for several reasons... 1st reason: dorky kids, bad at sports probably smart, I could probably use an ally in my AP chem class or in case I found myself in a situation where having these ppl like me may be good (ace in my back pocket) cheating on a test copying homework etc... 2nd reason: the teachers LOVED the idea that I gave the overlooked kids a centerstage feeling even if just for 5 minutes during gym class. So I liked that it made me look good to the teachers, who then viewed me as mature and reasonable, SO if I needed to be a few minutes late I wouldn't get written up or they'd let me slide on dress code etc... 3rd reason: this is probably my favorite, most pleasurable at least to me... To see the frustration on the other teams girls faces. They'd arm their team with the best players high fiving each other and playing so serious and they'd get so frustrated with how poorly our team was as an opponent. They'd actually get angry. And I'd say aw good job you'll get the serve over the net this time cmon try again, while those girls opposite us groaned and sighed because they wanted to play and win... I loved the angry looks on their faces, screw them, who cares about high school gym... I'll tell u who did, my awkward unpopular teammates because for 5 mins they were special, who made them feel special? Me.

The means for "teaching"(because really its society saying this is how you SHOULD behave feel etc) empathy in brief goes as follows... Two small children around your age(in order to teach the lesson its tailored to the pupils age) are riding bikes in the street in front of their home. The first child loses control and goes in the path of a car that slams on the breaks in a panic. Tires screech! The small child lays in the street, his bike wheel bent, the pedal broken off. When the second child runs up to his friend after the dust clears he sees his friend scraped from the road, blood coming from his scratches NOW u child imagine yourself laying on the road and feel the pain of the scratches and scrapes, and feel the throbbing headache and the burning blood coming from your cuts... Imagine how upset you would be if that was you laying in the street, feeling all that pain and having a ruined bike...suffering. NOW that's how u know how someone feels in a situation... So the question you have to ask yourself is "HOW" would you like your friends to react to your injuries, and your family to aid you with repairing your bike, and the ppl to help you off the street. That's how to understand how to do unto others as you would unto you... In a sense empathy, imagine yourself in that situation and how would you feel and want people to react to you, that's how you know how to behave... Or some nice crap like that... It makes sense if you take it back to childhood we can all remember and imagine pain, so its easy to relate to the hurt child... for me its just react as society wants me to, or how I want to? A personal dilemma... Truly, depends on the kid! If its a kid I like guess I'd give him a hand, however if its say my friends daughter who is 11 and just fowl mouthed and disrespectful to her mother would I help her no, I'd probably look at the car to see if she damaged the car... That's about it... Funny thing is I'm ok with not having any feelings if I were to witness something like that... I'd probably see it more as a traffic issue than much else, and Really who cares?

Incredible hulk, perhaps we(socios) all have him inside of us...I'm fine with mine.

Hungry like a wolf?

A sociopath reader questions why sociopaths are seen as wolves:

Don't get me wrong, wolves are cool. If I could be any animal, it would be a predator. If I had to choose, my decision would be between an Alaskan Wolf and a Harpy Eagle. However, people actually looking at a sociopath as some type of predator disgusts me to the point of wanting to hurt the fucking idiots who label anyone as such. Now, I have no doubt that there are some people who actually are predators in some way. Some people may actually fit the bill. However, labeling a group of people as so is just ridiculous. When I meet someone, I don't look for their weaknesses and attack them for it. Knowing someone over a period of time, it is only natural that you discover their weaknesses and strengths, everyone does. Sociopaths and psychopaths may use this to their advantage, but does that make them a predator?

These "empaths" as they are called on your website are nothing but pieces of shit. I constantly read about them trying to "observe and understand" or "beat sociopaths at their own game". When I read about an "empath" creating some story of "beating a sociopath at his own game" I just want to punch my computer screen. Nearly every comment area on your website has some bullshit "empath" recalling some bullshit story about how they are super duper fucking awesome for being stupid fucking hypocrites. The fact that they call themselves empaths and then go and "play the sociopath game" is more twisted then anything a sociopath can ever do.

"I started giving the sociopath that works with me exactly the same treatment he gave me and other unsuspecting women, including exposing him to colleagues. He is running around complaining that he is so hurt and disappointed yet he had no problem doing this to me! what is with that? it seems to me that they are good at dishing it out but they can handle it themselves?"

See?

You've gone and attracted every fucked up person with self-esteem issues, thrown them into a tank full of wanna-be sociopaths, and have passed popcorn out to those smart enough to just sit in the stands and watch. Thanks for the popcorn, but the show is starting to piss me off.

Successful relationship with a sociopath?

It probably depends on your definition of success. From a reader:

Thank you for your site. Every other website about sociopathy I have read describes the sociopath as an evil unfeeling predatory monster out to steal your life, money, and children while raping your mother and pouring sugar in your gas tank.

My boyfriend is a sociopath. He told me that towards the beginning of our relationship. While that has resulted in problems in the relationship (understandably, mostly MY problems-he didn't see anything wrong), I have found that communication and understanding has made the relationship possible. We know that there are just some things about each other that we will never understand. He doesn't get how I can be so upset over something like a relative getting cancer ("he's smoked for years, WTF were you expecting?), and I don't get that he can't see that that response out of him doesn't help at all, and can't "feel my pain" as it were.

I know when to back off and let him have his temper tantrums when he gets frustrated or whatever it is that sets him off on a yelling spree.

I know that if I were to loan him a chunk of money, I would never see it again. Even if he said I would. So I don't.

I've learned to expect the unexpected from him.

I've learned when to ask him for something he doesn't like doing (putting on his "normal person" mask and hauling him off to visit my mother, for example), and when to just drop it and go see mom by myself because it will be more pleasant for everyone involved.

I've learned that when he says he loves me, he can't mean it in the same way that I love him; but that doesn't make whatever he is experiencing insincere or false.

Back to you, m.e. Reading more insights in to how sociopaths think has been extremely helpful in trying to understand what I should expect, what I should ask for, and what I need to accept is simply him- unchangeable, undeniable, just like his eye color or height.

Manic depression and sociopathy (part 2)

A reader writes (cont.):

When I was younger, I was very much a slave to my emotions and I would definitely have called myself weak and I think a lot people took advantage of that (including a sociopath or two now that I look at it with the knowledge I've acquired). I'm actually quite thankful in retrospect, I've learned a lot on how to deal and I suppose in turn manipulate people. Another great learning ground was the internet, mostly message boards. People seem to let themselves go and troll with reckless abandon. At first I fell for it, then I identified it, then I partook then I got bored and realized fucking with people over the internet or even just interacting with them was a completely waste of time. Especially if you consider that the good trolls which i butted heads with were probably sociopaths themselves and it would never end.

Having a number of psychotic breaks (since i'm bipolar type 1) was incredibly beneficial. Being completely detached from reality can give you a unique perspective on life.

To summarize one of the points I'm trying to make, is that as I grow older I seem to be gaining better control over my emotions and in some ways closer to the world of sociopathness, which is interesting.

So besides telling you my life story, what's your take on manic depressives? I don't think you can use me as a baseline mind you. If you go into chat rooms geared towards people with mental illness or bipolar you can see that most are completely unstable and it's incredibly easy to push buttons (My meds have erased a lot of my emotions though). I think those people would be closer to average for manic depressives. Anyway, I find what you're going through interesting and wouldn't mind engaging in some sort of dialogue concerning our differences/similarities, at the very least it would help me learn more about myself and sociopaths and offer you the ability to peer into a mind you might not encounter very often.

Manic depression and sociopathy (part 1)

A reader writes:

Been reading your blog, sociopaths have a pretty interesting take on life. I noticed you did interviews with empaths and some people with mental disorders. I used the search function and couldn't find your take on manic depressives/bipolar people. I myself am manic depressive and although it seems completely counter intuitive it feels like there are some similarities with things sociopaths go through (or at least I think there are similarities, I could be way off base). For example, at certain times I have the ability to completely shut off and my emotions and either feel nothing or next to nothing. My husband finds this troubling when after an argument and he's bawling his eyes out and I just stare at him blankly. This also occurs when I'm severely depressed, but when I reach those stages I don't feel pain anymore, it's just being completely numb, lacking energy or any motivation. Nothing seems worth the effort and it's not because I feel sorry for myself, there's no rationalizing it, complete and utter apathy. This usually occurs in a cycle, like a sin curve (my emotional states that is).

Then comes the idea of masks, I think you may have touched on it but my memory is spotty. When I am manic I can play any role, playing with people, mind games and the such is incredibly appealing. When I am near depression but not all the way there as I've mentioned below I've developed the ability to completely hide myself from others. I can be out getting ice cream with my daughter while we're sitting across from each other at a picnic table look straight into her eyes and smile while wishing for a hot bath with razor blades. I suppose in my eyes (again I could be wrong) it's that we're achieving the same ends in this case, although our motivations are completely different, or maybe not.

Of course when I'm near 0 on a sin curve, I'll call that "normal" I function more or less like your average person should. (cont.)

An outside perspective

A letter from a reader:

I was just reviewing recent media articles about psychopathy on-line and stumbled across your blog.

I am a doctoral intern in clinical psychology at a forensic state hospital in California. Psychopathy is fascinating to me. Aside from its unique neurological, interpersonal, and even existential attributes; the legal and social implications of psychopathy's marginalization in society is huge. It seems your blog clearly and convincingly (not surprising) addresses the injustices psychopaths face- injustices I find again and again in the forensic setting where I work.

As health care providers, psychologists are trained to uphold equal client rights and ensure every individual's dignified treatment. This is regardless of diagnosis, crime, history, or personality. However, when it comes to psychopathy, it's incredible how quickly clinical providers are able to abandon these previously held ethics, not realizing that they are adopting the unempathic tendencies they explicitly persecute in the psychopath. I am further amazed at the legal and hospital standards set for psychopathic admits, standards that practically necessitate the psychopath to contrive and manipulate their evaluators to believe they are no longer contriving or manipulating, lest they spend the rest of their lives in corrections.

So, while I go up against hospital administration on my end, I want to also convey my admiration of your well-informed and thoughtful blog in the hope that what is better understood may be less feared. Based on history, psychology, and statistical likelihood of danger; I'll take one psychopath with their wits about them over 99 "normals" driven by fear, any day.

Thanks for sharing your experience and for encouraging an interesting and important discussion.

Effectively parenting a sociopath (part II)

A reader responds:

I was really glad to get your response, and thank you very much for your advice.

I love my daughter and very much admire her veiwpoint, it must be great to be able to dismiss anyone that you don't like or who doesn't agree with you. She is very bright, extremely careful to keep herself safe, yet very brave. It's been a conundrum to me how she could not care for, or even like, many of her friends, yet be the most popular child in her class. She is flying at school, follows the rules, collects the rewards for good behaviour, informs the teacher of any unfairness and I think is running rings round them without them knowing. Who cares though as she's achieving highly, the teaching staff like her and she's never in trouble. Yet she can be very sensitive and has been devastated when I have reacted harshly to her actions. This confuses me as she has been upset that I have rejected her, which I took to be empathy at upsetting me, but is more likely a reaction against rejection. Why be so upset at rejection if you don't really care about the people doing the rejection? I take your point about trust on board and have already found myself being specific about the consequences for breaking boundaries, as literal she understands, but "making me cross" doesn't affect her at all.

I suppose the qualities that attracted me to her Dad are present in her as well. She's still quite young now so not diagnosable I expect, as many children lack empathy and are self centered at that age. I shall watch as she grows up, but I already know she is her father, at least now I can hopefully encourage the favorable qualities and try instill the rules of relationships like the rules of the road. It's confusing to me how a Sociopath can choose to drive within the speed limit as otherwise they would lose their licence, yet chooses to cheat on their partner even though they might get caught and get dumped. I suppose it's the same really as he would speed if he knew he wouldl get away with it and there are no speed camera's in his bedroom to catch him out!!!

Anyway, thank you again for being so open and working so hard to prevent the persecution of a "different" way of looking at life. Doesn't mean I'd ever try and live with a Sociopath again though, it'd be like keeping a tiger in a rabbit hutch.

My story, for whatever it's worth (part 3)

So there you have it. Because I know who and what I am, I now know what I want: power, which equals freedom. Pursuing power/freedom would also provide the opportunity to play the game and a challenge. And it starts within. I see how important it is to focus on self development, to take command of myself. And to command myself, I must inevitably command my circumstances. None of this necessarily involves getting to the top of any ladder unless I decide that’s the game I wish to play. None of this need involve anything huge or historical unless I want it to. And it certainly doesn’t need to involve society’s definition of success unless it helps me achieve my objective. I want to experience the inner essence of these goals in the present and I am free to do just that. There’s also a whole world of tastes and locales and literature that I have yet to sample. I don’t have to do the so called ‘big things’. Self development, meeting and exceeding self chosen challenges and enjoying what life has to offer on its own terms really can be enough for now. I’m excited about my future, for the first time in a long time. That’s thanks, in part, to your insightful blog and the email exchanges. Even now, I don’t know if every professional would agree that I am a sociopath. What I do know is that it doesn’t matter. The label isn’t relevant; the underlying characteristics are. My detachment from emotion, including and especially moral ones, my lack of conscience, my flexible personality, my ability to manipulate at will and the profound impact these traits have on how I experience life, all of this I now understand in a way that is both illuminating and coherent, and I have your blog to thank for that.

I’m going to go play now, so to speak. Don’t worry. I won’t hurt anyone unless I’m crossed or unless I have to, so you haven’t unleashed a monster. You’ve liberated a wolf.

Thanks again!

My story, for whatever it's worth (part 2)

A reader writes (cont.):

I make it sound easy or even simple. But it wasn’t. It was hard. It was confusing. It was painful. It was hard seeing everyone live a life that at least on the surface, made sense to them. It was painful seeing over and over again that I would never be part of their world without pretending. The fact that I knew I was pretending while they were being sincere made the alienation worse. I went through a time of hating them. I hated everything they stood for, everything they said they believed in. I also went through a time where I seriously indulged my delusions of grandeur. I figured since I could never truly be ordinary in the sense that other people were, I’d be extraordinary. I made so many mistakes during this time, so many errors and lapses in judgment. All because I didn’t know what I was. At last, I’ve figured it out.

While I was on my quest to understand what evolution made me for, to use a figure of speech, I set up a comfortable but boring life for myself. Steady work, a small studio apartment, isolation from family and friends and lots of reading, thinking, and me time was and is my life. I’m ready to change all that. Now that I understand what I am, I want to ‘play the game’. It’s time I used my instinctive psychological insight to my advantage rather than to just maintain the status quo the way I have been. I also want challenge. I want to push myself mentally and physically in ways that I never have before.

My story, for whatever it's worth (part 1)

A reader writes:

I wanted to thank you for the blog. It’s been very helpful. I understand what I want now. It’s what I call the inner essence of the goal that I want, the thoughts and feelings I want to experience. I want power because I want to experience more freedom in my life. I have existential freedom of course. We all do. But I have not made good use of it. What I didn’t get before was that if I cannot make use of the power I could potentially have in the here and now, then getting to the top of any kind of organization will be for nothing. You know the old saying: wherever I go there I am. I haven’t taken advantage of the opportunities all around me because I’ve been too busy figuring myself out. My life up to this point has really been designed to keep myself afloat with minimal drama and effort while I focused on unraveling the mystery of why I was so ‘different’.

My story starts like so many of the other stories that you’ve featured in your blog and in the comments. I was a typical outsider. I knew I was different from my peers and even my family. I just never understood exactly what that difference was. I was never a shy kid. I was mostly indifferent, especially after I proved to myself that popularity could be had with just the right facial expressions, words and a few well placed actions. The social scene at school stopped being mysterious and became merely boring. And yeah, I pulled a series of stunts that would have gotten me a nice stay in prison if I’d been caught. I got over all of that in my early 20’s when it dawned on me that I was empty and that I had nothing I needed to do or had to do. I was without purpose or meaning. Yeah, sex is fun, no question, but orgasms only last so long. And I still didn’t get why I was so different? Not only did I not get that I would never be one of them, I didn’t even know why. So I went searching for answers. It took a long while. There were loads of false starts, dead ends and misunderstandings along the way. Finally, I was able to discard some false beliefs, start fresh and reexamine things. When I did, I was finally able to see where the differences were. I was able to put a name to the face. Those differences eventually lead me to study concepts like sociopathy and psychopathy. I read a lot of the popular work and some interesting articles on the internet. My Googling lead me to your blog and the comments. It was your unique take on all of this as well as some of the smarter commenters that lead me to see that I’d finally figured it out.

If You Kill My Demons You will Kill My Angels Too

I snuck a peek at the comment page recently. I see a lot of dialogue between empaths and sociopaths, which to me is really groundbreaking. Where have you ever seen this done outside of clinics where specialists being the only ones interacting? So I want to feed this discussion some food for thought.

Since I know M.E. best I'll talk about myself. I've always loved myself. Yes, people would call it narcissistic. I do believe I'm the greatest person who's lived. Sometimes I've gotten a little god complex. That's just how I am, and I'm not really going to apologize for it. I wake up everyday and I feel like I'm amazing. I channel this energy to focusing on being the best in anything I take part in. I don't try to be the best. I am the best. In doing so I will do everything and find a way to get there. This is my way of making who I am positive.

I can manipulate people. More than that, I do manipulate people. Everyday, every week, every month, and every year. The medical community calls this 'superficial charm.' But charm to me can't be defined as superficial. Either you are charming or you're not. People like charming people -- that's why they give them things so selflessly. When you have the power to persuade people to do and give you what you want it's easy to abuse it. For empath readers I want you to imagine what it's like to have everyone love you right off the bat, and want to do things you want them to do. Would you manipulate people to give you money? Would you manipulate people into sleeping with you under false pretenses? Would you honestly tell me you wouldn't get tempted to justify reasons to fuck them over? Most people would. You make up excuses. "Oh well I heard they stole from so and so," or, "He's there with someone I don't like," or, "Well I'll try to make it up to them." You will find ways of demonizing the people you victimize until they seem like the worst people you're ever met. You don't feel guilt, just justification. The positive side is people can channel this feeling into businesses to sell products, make effective advertising, diplomacy, intelligence, etc.

I am emotionally shallow. The commenters are completely correct. I'm not emotionless. I don't walk around with a exoskeleton under my skin saying, "You will be terminated." I feel what I make myself feel, when I'm supposed to feel it. Sometimes I can't. I can't feel for other people. I don't get excited with people, or feel someone's pain when they cry. I get angry at them because I can't understand. A less extreme example of this: recently someone close to me had their identity stolen and bank account wiped out, and their rent was due the next day. The bank wouldn't refund it till they investigated for few months. The person was crying and looked at me for comfort, and I thought, "What do they want from me? I hope they won't ask me for money." After a while I asked what they wanted me to say. The person looked at me like I was retarded, and I got angry. I told them, "Just get it done and don't worry about things you can't change." The person got angry and left.

What I lack in my own capacity for emotion I make up for in manipulating others'. When I was younger I abused the hell out of this. I could make people happy, excited, sad, depressed, disturbed, hurt etc. It was fun. It still is sometimes, but I don't abuse it that much any more. I cut people into pieces with things I've said. I would save things I knew they were insecure about and cut them deeply with is when I didn't get what I wanted. One person told me that they would rather have me hit them then tell them the things I said. A emotional bully, I guess you can call me. I admit that I did it. I didn't know I was doing it till I took more time to learn about who I was and why I do what I do. Now I use it sparingly.

Sociopaths have a lot of power over people, like it or not. Denying that power exists doesn't improve the life of either side of the fence. I denied it and I was out of control. What I realized is that by acknowledging who I was, and wielding that power for what was effective and not just destructive, I could become more powerful. To have true power you need to have control over yourself first. People trying to change that power instead of focusing it will only meet in failure.

I think it's important for sociopaths to accept themselves the way they are, and not try to change. There isn't a 'cure' for sociopathy because there's no way to change someone's complete identity. Change who they are: their tendencies, their motives, their behaviors, and even their feelings. Is it possible? Perhaps, but is that the kind of power you want substituted for natural human behaviour?

I'm looking through you (part I)

Question from a reader:

Hi there. Thanks for your blog. It's been extremely helpful and informative. I'm about 65% percent my boyfriend is a high functioning sociopath, or at least has tendencies. We've only been dating for about 3 months now. I began to catch him in lies after a couple weeks, things just didn't seem to add up with him. I consider myself a very empathetic and sensitive person, so I feel as if I caught on pretty quickly to all of it. I thought it was compulsive lying, or pathological lying so I went online and started reading about all the symptoms of sociopaths. I didn't really know anything about them before now. He's fits many of the characteristics, although he's not violent (that I know of). Extremely charming when he wants something, impulsive, manipulative, inability to tolerate boredom, ADD, behavior problems in school, difficulty with authority, narcissism, etc, etc.

We got drunk/stoned together a couple weeks ago and all his/these behaviors were completely exacerbated. It scared me and I tried to break up with him the next day. I basically confronted him, telling him that I thought he was dis genuine, wasn't sincere, I thought he was "acting" with me some of the time. I didn't come out and say I thought he was a sociopath but danced around it. He denied all of it. He's gone out of his way to win me back. Laying the charm on thick, being sweet, kind, etc. Sometimes I feel like it's just a game to him, and I'm playing along. Sometimes I do think he's genuine. We're still hanging out though. Is there anyway that he's not aware he's a sociopath? That he understands that he's different but doesn't quite know how or why?

He fascinates me. His reactions and behaviors are really interesting, and feel that he's so smart to be able to fool people around him, and just keep up with it all. Since I"ve confronted him, the lying has seemed to stop or be toned down. I think he's aware that I can see through him sometimes. I guess I really want him to admit it to me...and least some part of himself. I think he's comfortable with me, and wonder if he's ever told anyone. I doubt he has. I know that you don't know him, as everyone is different, but perhaps you can shed some light on the matter for me. I guess my question for you is: isn't it exhausting putting on this act in front of me (and the world))? I've given him plenty of opportunity to be somewhat honest with me without being judgmental. Wouldn't he just want to be truthful with me, I feel as if it would be a huge relief? He must be so lonely and telling someone might alleviate some of that. Part of me feels like he's very scared that I'll walk away if he tells me..which doesn't add up to me since I thought he wasn't supposed to care about anyone else? Maybe it's a pride thing and it will hurt his ego if I walk? Sociopaths don't have the ability to love, but it seems as if they have the ability to be fond of, or like someone at the least?!? Is that right? I guess I'm just confused and needed somewhere to vent. I can't talk to my friends about this. Noone understands what he's like unless you spend a significant amount of time with him. He is usually very kind to me and I really care about him but don't want to be naive, and/or a pawn if that's all it is to him. I understand that he will never feel the same as me, but will he feel anything toward me?

Again, thanks for all the information. Your blog has been the most real and NON scary site there is out there about sociopaths. I read the Sociopath Next Door and pretty much flipped. It seems rather exaggerated. Your site has been extremely helpful and insightful for me. Keep it up!

Thanks,

Reader responds: Talented Mr. Ripley

In response to our earlier exchange:

Thanks to your post, I was inspired to watch “The Talented Mr. Ripley” again. I was like him in so many ways, minus the serial killing. I was 20 years old when, like Tom, I realized that I appeared to be missing something other people around me seemed to have and take for granted: a firm belief in their sense of self. Unlike Tom Ripley, I didn’t lock in on one particular person who would embody everything I thought I could/should be (i.e. Dickie Greenleaf). I became your classic seeker. I looked for that missing self in a variety of places. My manhunt involved reading a slew of books about philosophy, religion and psychology as well as joining several groups, including the military. I was almost always loved and prized in these groups. I never had a problem getting people to open their homes and their hearts to me. You’d think that would be enough but it wasn’t because I knew. I knew that what the others loved wasn’t real. But I thought that surely some belief system, some moral philosophy, some religion, some group somewhere held the key that would unlock the vault that held the “real me”. It would take years of searching and struggle before I finally reached the place Tom Ripley did at the end of the movie when he realizes that his quest to be a “fake somebody” as opposed to a “real nobody” would never succeed. And like Tom, I was despondent about that. Then I got over it. My inability to fool myself about my self forever cuts me off from the rest of humanity’s common experience. So what. That doesn’t mean that I can’t enjoy my life. Besides, without a rock hard sense of self for the brain to constantly recreate, project and defend, I’d be free to pursue my goals without the emotional baggage other people think of as normal.

And just as I’m coming to grips with all of this, I stumble upon your blog. If I believed in a magical universe, I’d call it destiny.

Enough rambling. Thank you for responding to my email. It was very well put. I think that your comments were spot on. And yes, you should definitely publish this exchange, especially your answer. Imagine if I’d gotten these answers when I was 20…

Your sociopath questions answered

From a reader's comment, my responses are in bold:

It's strange to me that sociopaths are supposedly not capable of empathy, not "love", but can you have affectionate feelings toward other people? Yes. Many sociopaths express love for family and other "favorites." Their "love" means whatever it means, maybe the love you have for a favorite pet, or a child, or a favorite band, or an old comfortable pair of jeans. And can you really tell if you do or don't? Can anyone? Can you Hate? Do you get angry? Is there a difference between anger and hate other than permanence? If there is a difference besides permanence, then i don't think I experience hate, just anger.

I have watched Dexter, and to me he hasn't fit the profile of what I have thought of as a sociopath, other than that he kills without remorse. But he only kills BAD people. I am not a killer, but when I hate someone I think if I COULD kill them without anyone ever knowing, and there were NO chance I would be caught, I would. And I wouldn't feel bad about it. But I can't be sure of that, cause I'm not going to try it. Do you think Dexter would feel bad if he killed only good people? Are sociopaths defined by their actions? Or how they feel about their actions?

Dexter also SEEMS to care about that stupid, annoying simpering girlfriend of his. I have read that sociopaths like to play with and torment people that they have relationships with, and man, not even being a sociopath, I would be tempted to squash HER. Maybe you are also a sociopath. He seems to care about her children, too. I think it is easier for sociopaths to be fond of children than adults. They have similar views of the world, in certain ways, and children seem so guileless compared to the typical hypocrite that is the adult empath. So.. you guys are confusing! Not really.

I also don't think Jeffrey dahmer was a sociopath.. He seemed to feel bad about what he did. I Do think our ex president was, and maybe ones before him. Not sure if you have to be drawn to "bad" things if you have no conscience? No, not necessarily. It is common misconception that just because you do not have a conscience, you would just indulge in every "bad" thing available to you. There are other motivating factors behind human decisions besides consciences. For instance, you claim to have a conscience, and yet you would readily kill "bad" people if you could be certain you would not be caught. Consciences are overrated and flawed anyway. Are you necessarily drawn to pulling the wings of flies and torturing puppies? Why that and not curiosity about other things? Or is there? Not torture and mayhem for all sociopaths, everyone has their own personal preferences. Imagine stroke victims or other brain damaged people who lose their inhibitions. They don't act crazy so much as act like an unfiltered, unadulterated version of themselves. Each sociopaths is still a unique individual, what sets us apart collectively from empaths is that we have different ways of interacting with the world. Ok, that's all. IF you can make out any coherent questions in that that you feel like answering... And then I have to try to determine whether you're BSing me! Oh, and what's this with COMRADERIE with other sociopaths? Having this blog... Dexter wanting a friend, companion, not wanting to be alone? I would think that sort of thing would be ant psychopathological. So what do I know? Human beings are social animals. Isolation drives us crazy. There is nothing about sociopathy that would prevent us from wanting human contact, to avoid loneliness, to be deeply understood and appreciated.

Reader feedback

On an anti-socio site:

I previously posted a site that I’ve been watching that may help all of us quit swimmin in River De-Nile.

IT’s Sociopathworld.com REALLY BIZARRE stuff,

I am paraphrasing a new exact post of a self proclaimed S-
” As a N. I also memorize other peoples emotions , its the easiest way to seem human. Because I have No idea how to feel them myself. I’d be easy to spot….. Normal people may sense or feel the presence of evil.. It permeates from the P.”

Caution: For what its worth, someone also posted: “Warning this site is dangerous, Do NOT BLOG just read & leave!! IT IS A VIEW INTO THE MIND OF EVIL.”
Maybe a joke (?) but I tend to agree with the no posting. No winning in a war of words with a P. Crazy trumps ANYTHING we got!

When you guys have time to check into it- lots of info to sift thru- let me know what you think. I said before its good to ‘Know Thy Enemy”. THis may be benefical.

Ah, Sabrina, I am so glad that you found the site to be helpful. But "know they enemy"? Naw, let's be friends, shall we?