Wednesday, July 25, 2012

Nothing more than feelings

I've been really busy recently and my jaw has started to ache. I grind my teeth. I have ever since I was young, but it got noticeably bad in a particularly stressful year of graduate school. The funny thing was, I didn't realize that I was particularly stressed until I felt my teeth ache. I am anal about my teeth, so of course I made an appointment with the dentist as soon as possible, who told me that it was my jaw hurting, not my teeth.  [Bruxism, of course is quite common. A dentist has suggested that 9/11 changed the face shape of the average New Yorker -- the increased grinding built up the masseter muscle, giving everyone a more square jaw appearance].  Ever since then I've used mouthguards, which shield my teeth but my muscles still get a work out when I'm stressed, like now.

Stress to me is only expressed in physical symptoms.  Without a sore jaw or finicky stomach, I wouldn't realize that I was actually experiencing stress.  Instead of thinking stressful thoughts first then having those thoughts cause the physical symptoms, I feel the physical symptoms which then indicate to me that I am stressed.  My theory is that although I am mentally fine with risky, high stakes situations, my lizard brain still responds with additional adrenaline and cortisol that takes its own toll on my body.

I was reading a Scientific American blog about anxiety and how it was not acknowledged by the Greeks as an actual disorder, then only became a purely physical illness starting with the Romans, then only recently has been seen as a primary mental affliction.  I understand that there are people who suffer from anxiety disorders, but for garden variety anxiety felt as a result of simple stress, is anxiety primarily a physical phenomenon?  A natural, but largely physical reaction, perhaps?  A poignant reminder from the part of our brain that is primarily (or only) concerned with our survival that we need to get out of harm's way sooner rather than later?

I'm interested in this topic because I have grown increasingly susceptible to the effects of anxiety over the years.  The shift is particularly dramatic given my previously almost non-existent levels of anxiety.  My friends wonder what happened to me.  And sociopaths are not supposed to be anxious.  But actually, sometimes they are.

88 comments:

  1. Brilliant post, M.E.!

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    1. Thank you, kind Anonymous.

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  2. being anal about your teeth wil make for an interesting sexlife

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  3. first INTELLIGENT person to comment

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    1. I was M.E. baby. I'm really bored today, do you want us to ride on that new jet-ski of yours?

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    2. ...Apparently not~

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    3. Us? Please, come by anytime. :-) we love company.

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    4. We don't need company, you and me are doing very good on our own. :-)

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    5. We are ALL anonymous, Kany. I laugh at people saying: you're a coward anon! you don't have the guts to shed your anonymity! what a waste for an anon to post first in the comment section! HAHAHA Why would another set of characters as my username make any difference, stupid Kany? We are ALL anonymous.

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    6. Perhaps that's what you think. So do you always try to blend into a crowd, or only when you're in public? Are you different with your family?

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    7. I'm pretty excited about our jet skis.

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    8. If you think that choosing a username makes you blend any less into this crowd you are deluding yourself. You are devoid of any personality, Kany. YOU are one of the crowd. Your username means shit.

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    9. I'm a firm believer that everything a person creates or puts into the world should be a stamp of who they are and one piece in making up their total style and self. Every detail is a piece of yourself, and if you won't attribute your identity to those pieces it is because they don't come together as a whole bit wisp away as a cloud. If I say something under my name, its part of what I've created. If its bad, I know I should change it. If its good I know I should encourage it. But if I don't attach these things to my identity, I write them with the sense of anonymity, and they reflect nothing of who I am.
      You live in the shadows and wisps of anonymity. To hide the things you won't own. There is nothing about myself that I am not going to own up to, and I believe the fact that you down is cowardly and dispicable. Agree or not, I don't care. I think your value as a person is fuckall.

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    10. I shit on your firm beliefs. I shit on your ridiculous values. I have none.

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    11. I know. That's why I can insult you by mine. You know you're a coward, I'm sure.

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    12. And you know who I am around here, dumb Kany. I don't have to tell you since even a braindead woman like you can figure it out. Hahahaha!

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    13. Good, than you know my accusations are founded.

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    14. Huh? What fucking accusations? I am too lazy to type a name when I comment in the comment section. I comment rarely anyway. I'll help you figure it out, braindead: I'm your friend... the one who Observes how stupid you can be sometimes...well, most of the time.

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    15. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but sometimes youre the dense one.

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    16. Kany your a phony. A big fat phony.

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    17. Phony. That's interesting word choice. Why the word phony?

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    18. it had ny at the end...

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  4. you think that 2nd post is M.E. ?
    talking ot hereself
    she's finaly gone over the edge
    somewere near you in the loonybin

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    1. Good one! But no, I'm right here!

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  5. I actually totally relate to this. Except being anal about my teeth... I wish I had a habit of that. On the bright side moderate amounts of stressors are healthy and stimulate aspects of our brain chemistry.

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    1. AnonymousJuly 24, 2012 11:29 PM

      Kany, for you to talk with such lack of maturity in your words is strange. You are usually callous but not so off. You can't have night with out day, dry without wet, honor without shame. Cowardice is a flip of that honor/shame coin and has as much to do honor as shame. There is as much truth in kindness as there is hate. When did you start trying to validate things by illuminating others? Just because the head of the coin can not see it's tail doesn't mean that the other sides not there. Again, your logic is usually a lot tighter. Then you start rambling about validating anonymous posters. No, yo will validate yourself as Kany, an individual with substance and meaning instead of someone else's mouth piece. You don't talk because you will not give into a Anon, but your as anonymous as the rest of us. You one here is that close to our real lives for many of various reasons. Come off the Anon crap. Stop talking to Monica. Talk to me.




      Listen to this person, Kany. He/She has something of value for you. I got a lot of help from you and I made some changes. I appreciate that you showed me things about myself I could not see. Take wisdom when you can find it, as it is a precious gift xx

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    2. Monica, please.
      I'm not trying to help her. I never said she needed help. I never said she had a shitty life as implied by UKan. I have no problems believing UKan and Kany jet set with the best of them on jet-skis, and jumping off cliffs, and doing the best drugs, and eating the best foods. I have no problems believing any of that at all. I also have no problem believing they are two-bit dealer/users who enjoy a zip line at a fresh water hole with all the other lower-middle class. Neither concerns me. Both can be happy lives. It’s their life and they’re happy, fine. I would like to see either of them show us how Knay has not become a muppet. Even if she is a happy muppet. How has UKan grown to be like her in this long term relationship which they are partners? No one said it had to be 50/50. Show us how UKan has allowed himself to assimilate anything that was you into what is now him? Doing household chores doesn’t count. That’s like teaching a dog to sit at the door and wait to go out rather than shit in the living room floor.

      It’s not going to happen for two reasons:

      1 – They ignore the anonymous and cling to their on line image so as not to validate the Anons (not sure about this logic). Kany said it herself. It’s an image that must be protected. No one here has posted their Name, Number, and Address on this site. Very few are dumb enough to have that information attached to their blogger profile and enter here. So that nice beautiful image you have created and tracked and hold so dear is about as revealing as my Anon moniker. No. Your blogger image only further confirms you need some way to track the marks you have made here; the victories so to speak. It’s another form of your validation you get from others and yourself. Filling the void.

      2 – The second reason we will not see an answer is because there is no truth to UKan becoming anything like Kany. He can’t. He’s a narcissist. The more I think about it the less I believe UKan to be God’s gift to the peons of this world as he, UKan, himself is a minor deity sent to rule us all. In that world Kany, the world of a narcissist, there is only them and objects they fancy. If you like being that object and enjoy the frills that come with it then all is well. Just ensure Ukan pays out the nose while your milkshake still can bring all the boys to the yard, because like any other toy in a narcissist’s playroom you will eventually lose your glitter. Or, maybe you, Kany, are the player of the player. That’s your MO. Use that milk shake to get everything you want from the source providing. I don’t see that though. I have seen what happens when two narcissists get together and it can get very ugly. Perhaps there are ugly times we don’t see and so then you know what I’m talking about (you will never answer). There just isn’t enough room in the universe for more than one narc, let alone two in the same world. UKan is stronger than you. He will consume not be consumed.

      These are my ramblings. My thoughts as I read these posts. Also, UKan, you are right. I have been here for some time, but was it not you that said everyone who has been here for more than three months ends up throwing away whatever identity they had and coming back fresh? Excuse the paraphrase, but it was something like that. So yes, I’ve been here for a while. I would think it a game for you to try and figure out who I might be (you’ll never “know”). You do seem to spend quite a bit of time on this website for a jet-setting drug dealer, but then again with your $ what else is there to do?

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    3. Also, UKan, you are right. I have been here for some time, but was it not you that said everyone who has been here for more than three months ends up throwing away whatever identity they had and coming back fresh? Excuse the paraphrase, but it was something like that. So yes, I’ve been here for a while. I would think it a game for you to try and figure out who I might be (you’ll never “know”).


      No actually I said every narcissist who face planted here leaves and comes back in a few months as anonymous because they are embarrassed to use their name again. Thanks for confirming that. Game over.

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    4. You fucking fool, UKan.

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    5. The presumptions you make are dramatically inaccurate and unfounded.
      My name, and my image, are a joke. I'm rolling with it, remember?
      You think our life is without substance than you don't value family. I don't really care. Go make the world a better place. We do what we can for those closest to us. As I have also mentioned.
      I like that you've tried to get more subtle, but its too little too late. I have nothing to defend for you for my image. It isn't about image, anyways. The only time I care what people think is when I'm craving the attention. So please, go on.

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    6. All anons seem to use the word narcissist as an insult, which I don't really understand. Ukan is clearly narcissistic, but anyone who isn't is a loser. Narcs seem to come and go here, but only a true psychopath could dominate this whole site to the extent that Ukan and PostmodernSociopath have.
      Just my two cents after being here for a few days and reading the archives.

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    7. UKan:
      "No actually I said every narcissist who face planted here leaves and comes back in a few months as anonymous because they are embarrassed to use their name again. Thanks for confirming that. Game over."

      I’m not playing your game right now UKan and it was I who gave you the props yesterday for the most astute comment I have read on this site. And trigger is right about you being a psycho but that doesn't eliminate you from being narcissistic. Not every narcissist I have known is a sociopath, but the few sociopath's I have know are narsissistic. Not sure what point I confirmed for you either. Are you insinuating I am a narcissists? It does not matter whether I am or not. The fact that I am here and I am speaking truth about your little muppet irritates you. Why? Irritation comes from fear. Are you afraid I might plant a seed in the muppet’s head and then Pinocchio-ette comes alive? She runs before the game is over? I think you have nothing to fear with that. She’s too weak. Are you afraid then that this little interest into the muppet Kany might expose the two of you for fools rather than intellectuals? UKan, I find you to be the most free-spirited and often the one with the harshest truths, but your truths are still that. You need not fear being looked at as a fool here in your home (SW) either. You’re smart. So where’s the fear coming from? Again I know you will not give me an answer.

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    8. “The presumptions you make are dramatically inaccurate and unfounded.”

      I don’t think so but I would love you to prove me wrong and you can do that by showing in just one little way UKan has become like Kany.

      “My name, and my image, are a joke. I'm rolling with it, remember?”

      I agree about the joke part, but don’t be so hard on yourself. Scroll down for more on image.

      “You think our life is without substance than you don't value family. I don't really care. Go make the world a better place. We do what we can for those closest to us. As I have also mentioned.”

      I don’t think your life is without substance. Show me where I implied that. On the contrary, I believe you to be what you say and that you are as happy as you say. I merely suggest that your statement about persons becoming more like a long term partner was accurate and that your premise this has a psychological reason behind interesting. But you said “We become like each other” and I doubt that to be the case. You are in a one-way relationship in which you change to be more like him for whatever reason and your narcissist gets to have his cake and eat it too. As for family, you are in a relationship with a psychopath, the term family takes on a whole new meaning in that house hold.

      “I like that you've tried to get more subtle, but its too little too late.”

      It’s never too late.

      “I have nothing to defend for you for my image. It isn't about image, anyways.”

      Really: “I'm a firm believer that everything a person creates or puts into the world should be a stamp of who they are and one piece in making up their total style and self. Every detail is a piece of yourself, and if you won't attribute your identity to those pieces it is because they don't come together as a whole bit wisp away as a cloud. If I say something under my name, its part of what I've created. If its bad, I know I should change it. If its good I know I should encourage it. But if I don't attach these things to my identity, I write them with the sense of anonymity, and they reflect nothing of whoIam. You live in the shadows and wisps of anonymity. To hide the things you won't own.” - Kany

      Sounds an awful lot like being about image to me. But still the whole anon thing kills me. You are just as anonymous as I am. I can go through an mark dates and times I have posted and show them to you but because I haven’t put a phony picture or phony name to this anon title it means less? I have been here, you have been, we both have won some and loss some.

      “The only time I care what people think is when I'm craving the attention. So please, go”

      You crave attention. That’s why you are on a blog site with a fake identity that people can associate you with and tell you how good, fucked up, clever, bad, or how going on you got it. You crave attention. I’m not going anywhere becuase you need attentio. I'm here for you when you need it (and sometimes when you don't)

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    9. Narcissistic and narcissist are different.

      Wow. That's a lot of effort. I can see how you took that statement to be about image, but it isn't. Its about content personally which becomes outward. At least that's how I view it.

      Why is my family different because I'm with someone "flawed"? Are you telling me there is a right family and a wrong one? What about my parents and my brothers? My grandmother? My mother in law?

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    10. Right and wrong are concepts that I don't think are in play here. I never said he was "flawed". I also do not see a need to avoid a basic question that has 99% no chance of revealing anything personal about you (there by keeping your "identity" an anonymity). How has UKan become more like you?

      Also, are narcissist narcissistic? I think you can handle that from there.

      And what about your family: parents and siblings, what about them? To what do you refer?

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    11. Your playing yourself. Your response is tldr. Its like falter ego all over again. Ten page responses for my every line. I guess I really fucked you last time. No wonder you ditched your name. Nobodys answering your retarded questions.

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    12. Do you feel desperate? It sounds like you're trying to be smooth and manipulative, but all I hear is "please answer the question. I demand you answer the question. Tell me he's your puppet. Tell me your relationship is what you think it is. Defend it because you're insecure. Tell me please. Tell me now. It won't hurt. It won't give anything away. It won't matter. Tell me tell me tell me. You're anonymous anyways. No one will know or find out. Tell me tell me please.

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    13. I'm not saying anything about them. I'm saying you're presuming the only family I have is my husband. And you said that that makes our familial standards different. Why is that, I mean to ask are we not conforming to "normal" families? And what is that?

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    14. Ukan 2:49

      It appears to me Ukan, that the only person you create a poor impression of is yourself.

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    15. Mirror mirror, who is the foolest of them all.

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    16. Kany
      I think your main weakness is that you lack humility. You have hubris. Hubris takes one down, as if one is on a slide. It may be slow going to get to the end but this seems to be a natural law associated with hubris.

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    17. Why do you think I have no humility?
      And why is hubris an inevitable doom?

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    18. And why was phony your word of choice above?

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    19. Hubris is always an inevitable doom, as some sort of natural law. Humility,which is a right sized view of ourselves, makes life happy. One can relax, as one fits one's skin.

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    20. You were talking to another when you asked of the word phony. I'm back, why do you ask about phony?

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    21. Also, you are correct. I have asked nicely with all but please to a fair question. A question that once answered will in fact further lend credibility to this identity you have created. I have asked nicely. To answer would be the gentlemanly thing to do.

      I don't want to hear he's your puppet, Kany, I want to know how he has changed to be something like you in order to show us your not HIS muppet. Please try to stay on point.

      UKan, don't miss understand me, I can relate more to your free spirit than anyone else's here. Your words, although not as smooth as Postmodern, ring with a truth like few instruments I have seen on this sight. You are insightful and more often than not offensive at the same time. I like that. You may avoid answering the question, but the truth is fairly plain for all to see through your's and Kany's refusal to prove that Kany is anything other than a muppet.

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    22. Monica's answer to everything is humility.

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    23. I asked whoever wrote it.... anonymous. It doesn't matter if it was anonymous you, anonymous he, anonymous me, anonymous flea. I ask the anonymous.

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    24. As I said... I always wanted to be a Muppet. Why, than, are we still on this topic? I still fail to see where I owe you an explanation.

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    25. I don't believe you. you a muppet? Owe me? That's the beauty of this place. Everyone plays by their own rules. you owe squat. I learned more about you yesterday, Kany, then you wanted me to and more than you will know. Things you don't answer are as telling as the things you do.

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    26. I'm sure. And I've told you what your opinion means to me. I have nothingto refute. Isn't that just the beauty of this place.

      Now I have the advantage anyways. Your presumptions about me make it a fun sort of joke when you try to be offensive.

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  6. I don't grind my teetch so much as I am always thrusting my kaw forward and tapping out beats in my head with my teeth as stress seems to come on. Good or bad stress. Doesn't matter. It's the teeth tapping and tight back that let me know when I'm feeling anxiety.

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    1. I jut my jaw. I picked it up spending hours on the computer at school. At least to where I noticed it. My jaw would get so sore after hours, and I'd have a sore on the inside of my lip where I pull on it. That was always what would make me stop obsessing on a project. That was when I'd realise I'd spent enough time there.

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  7. I just love it when someone with a little clarity stops by to shake up someone's carefully tailored "identity" :)

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  8. @Kany

    People, probably. Friends. Family. But only if they ever found out. And they won't.

    It was a bit of a weird day. My parents left for Austria for two weeks, but they told me they were going to leave the day after that. That afternoon one of my friends got his ear pierced (something I talked him in to). Then a different friend and I went to my place to eat, then we went to his place to drink (along with some other friends). Then, halfway through the evening, I suddenly felt really tired. I could describe the.symptoms of depression here, but I'm quite sure you already know them.

    And then I remembered how much better I felt a month ago, when I had that headache. And the option had always kinda been 'there'. Just in the back of my mind. And it wasn't the first time I'd considered it. But every time I was depressed, the negative consequences of cutting became less relevant. In the long run it just wears you down and any objections you had temporarily become meaningless.

    No drugs. Just alcohol. And not much.

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    1. Wheatley
      Who do you hate?

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    2. I ask again Wheat, do you see yourself as having any strength?

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  9. How often do you talk to your parents? Why did they leave early? How old are you? I'm guessing adult, but do you still live at home?

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    1. About 'serious' things? Almost never.

      They suddenly decided to leave a day early, stay in a hotel somewhere and drive to Austria in two relaxed days rather than one not-so relaxed day.

      I'm seventeen, yes.

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    2. So why didn't they bring you along?

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  10. There is way too much drama and bickering here for any of you to actually be sociopaths.

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    1. That looks much like a barbed question tossed around to possible insight drama and bickering. No substance though. Try again with volume and depth.

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    2. What you said was as stupid as someone saying "There's way too much math going on for any of you to be mathematicians" psychos/socios LOVE drama, you know drama is stimulating, right? These people love to stir others up, creating a scene is good fun and the person creating often appears/feels powerful. These are not mature people, they are very very immature and underdeveloped.

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    3. Even with no substance, on this site you can sometimes still get a chump to respond.

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    4. emotionally and mentally retarded even like aspies and autistic persons
      when you see a young sociopath he kind of looks retarded, has weird facial expressions and shit

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    5. Anon 5:02PM

      You need to let the big boys play.

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    6. true talk anon 5:02 sociopaths are hidden retarded people

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    7. Cryptoretards?

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    8. @ 4:59

      that's my hard sell!

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  11. Oh, hey, a paper I referenced. Neato.

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  12. It takes a lot to stress us, but when it does we are totally unprepared for it. Several years of extensive credit card debt caused me to have a severe aversion to ringing telephones. They have stopped calling for the most part and now I'm fine. You just need to figure out what pushes you over your limit and eliminate it. Then you will revert to your usual charming and care-free self.

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