Tuesday, July 10, 2012

Self-awareness

People say they want to hear more about me, but very little of my life is interesting, and not everything I do is straight out of the pages of a sociopath handbook. So it's hard to know sometimes what to write about myself. I have some people who say that I am not even a sociopath at all. This may be true. Certainly not everything I do is sociopathic. And I find it interesting that so many of my readers who are wondering if they are sociopaths will bring up little examples of normalcy, like crying at a sad movie, as proof that they are normal. I have moments like these too. Back when I was self-deceived, I would fixate on these moments and ignore any seemingly contradictory moments, e.g. moments of unfeeling rage. I would say to myself, how could I be a sociopath? I love my family. I am a helpful friend. My heart has been broken (how could my heart break if there was no heart to break?). Consequently, I am not a sociopath.

When I started embracing my true identity a little more, I wanted to be as honest with myself as possible. I knew that through unflinching honesty about reality and hard work, I could inch myself to happiness or whatever else it was I wanted in life, like a prisoner carving his way out of a concrete wall with a makeshift pick. Honesty is the key here, because without knowing what the world truly looks like, without knowing who I really am, anything I do, any project I undertake would be nothing more than a gamble -- a guess. I didn't want to be playing roulette with my life and my happiness -- I at least wanted to be playing poker. One result of this dedication to honesty was that I tended to more readily accept the explanation that painted me as an inhuman sociopath, a cold-calculating monster. I just wanted to make sure I wasn't trying to fool myself in thinking I am better than I am, more in control than I am. But that presumption can be just as damaging. Let's say I am very disappointed by a change in plans, a shift in a relationship, someone's rejection of me. Instead of acknowledging and really feeling my disappointment, my brain tries to come up with a nefarious reason that I might feel this way -- maybe it is because they have disrupted one of my schemes, maybe it is because now my future predictions will be wrong or there is wasted effort, maybe I'm just selfish. It is very difficult for me to acknowledge that i am just disappointed, that I have had an emotional reaction to something that has happened in my life. Acknowledging emotions can be scary for me (I don't really understand them and i think they cloud my judgment), but worse is to not acknowledge them and just assume I am being rational all the time.

So self-awareness is hard. There's not really an option of erring on the side of safety when making assumptions about who we are and what our motives are. We just have to be constantly vigilant about what information, from both external and internal sources, we accept as truth and choose to rely upon in our decision-making. Because if knowledge is power, then what is misinformation?

150 comments:

  1. "like crying at a sad movie"

    I have moments during shows that I will feel a gut sadness, but it goes away as quickly as it was there.

    "how could my heart break if there was no heart to break?"

    I always thought the broken heart feeling came from a sense of failure and loss of something I enjoyed.

    "i didn't want to be playing roulette with my life and my happiness"

    It feels like that for me a lot.

    "am very disappointed by a change in plans, a shift in a relationship, someone's rejection of me. instead of acknowledging and really feeling my disappointment, my brain tries to come up with a nefarious reason that i might feel this way -- maybe it is because they have disrupted one of my schemes, maybe it is because now my future predictions will be wrong or there is wasted effort, maybe i am selfish."

    I feel the exact same paranoia.

    Great post M.E. I can relate to what you wrote on so many levels.

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    2. I am not really a fan of self-awareness. I don't even really believe in it. We are only conscious of 15 bits out of billions of bits of information being filtered through the subconscious. I find it best when I let the subconscious do all the work. When people try to get me to look at myself and become more self-aware, it really angers me. I think consciousness is a sham for the most part.

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    3. Sure, tell that to the scientists.

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    4. I think both Thunderball and the writer of this article are full of crap. Neither of you is a sociopath. But both of you are very dumb. Both of you get off on thinking that you are sociopathic. You're just cowards at life, that's all. You are so afraid that coming up with an excuse for being what you are is easier than doing something about it. Both of you are boring dull people who want to think you interest other people.

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    5. There are different levels of psychosis, like OCD: Just because some have a mild form (chaos acceptable as long as specific quirks are in order) rather than full-blown does not mean they are lying to themselves, and no matter what you have or don't have there's no excuse for being an asshole.

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    6. Did anyone take the MMPI test (Minnesota Mutiphasic Personality Inventory) They say u cannot lie on it and it is designed to diagnose personality/emotional disorders. Both myself and sociopath ex took it. Mine was true to my personality normal w slight agrees ion due to the sociopath. But my ex came back true to his exact obsessive behaivior too but it did not statestify he was a sociopath. I just wondered if anyone took it with a correct result.

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    7. I often find my self when I'm not occupied with anything exciting or important, actively seeking out stimulus that will allow me to cry or be angry etc, I'll drown myself in sad songs and watch movies where I know the outcome or the plot is disturbing to me, and just push myself til I get a burst of cry going. It's weird. I feel like I just got like a massage after lol.
      I used to think I was just nuts, but I can basically cry on command when situations require it, and have used that skill my whole life, so consequently, my understanding of my emotions regarding Sadness can be extremely diluted and I need a good alone cry session to ground myself I guess.

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  2. Thoughtful post M.E. It’s inspired me to leave a lengthy comment:

    M.E. wrote, “i have some people who say that i am not even a sociopath at all…”

    The issue of whether or not the label of sociopath applies at all outside of a professionally diagnostic setting can be easily settled by anybody with enough self awareness and self honesty to ask him/herself the following:

    1. How strong of a sense of self do I have? (Or how firm are my beliefs about who I think I am?)
    2. How often do I experience instinctive empathy for others? (It’s probably instructive if you have to ask what empathy feels like…)
    3. How selfish am I really? (Examine actions you have taken and their results and not thoughts or mental justifications about said actions.)
    4. How much guilt do I experience when I do things that are widely considered wrong?
    5. And related to the above, am I and/or how often have I been willing to do things that society considers wrong to further my own ends, however those ends are defined?

    The answers to those questions should, if answered with ruthless self honesty, be quite revealing.

    These days I like to think of sociopathology as a spectrum or continuum (thanks Nimbus) rather than as an either/or proposition. On the fly, I’d start with Machiavellianism, then subclinical and then clinical sociopathology, with perhaps the main difference between each being the levels of self awareness, insight, and concern for consequences. The more aware you are the less likely you are to fall under the clinical sociopath label using this made up “taxonomy” of mine. I fall towards the Machiavellian side of this spectrum rather than the clinical side that gets the most press.

    (Side note, I know there’s no such thing as clinical sociopathology per se. I’m using the two words that way to make what I think can be useful distinctions for us armchair psychologists.)

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  3. The verbal diarrhea continues:

    M.E. wrote, “back when i was self-deceived, i would fixate on these moments and ignore any seemingly contradictory moments…”

    I did the same thing and for the same reason it sounds like, hence my period of confusion. The truth was staring me in the face, but I kept denying it. The fact that I have repeatedly done things that virtually everyone considers wrong without the slightest trace of guilt should have told me everything I needed to know, and yet it didn’t. Guilt and particularly my lack thereof never crossed my mind as an issue worth really examining until recently, even though I used to wonder why it was that other people felt so compelled to obey “the rules”. Now I know.

    “honesty is the key here, because without knowing what the world truly looks like, without knowing who i really am, anything i do, any project i undertake would be nothing more than a gamble -- a guess.”

    Yup. I kept trying to interpret the world around and within me as if I were a normal, while simultaneously suppressing my natural instincts. I made a series bad “guesses” as a consequence of these misguided efforts. The results were dismal.

    “self-awareness is hard.”

    Agreed, which is why most people of all stripes avoid it like the plague. I’ve learned the hard way that the quickest way to reduce an otherwise civilized person to a state of almost unthinking savagery is to confront them with the very truths they spend their lives denying. For instance, as an experiment I verbally poked at a guy at exactly the right spot and he responded precisely as I knew he would. With mere words, I deliberately induced within this dude the exact emotion I wanted. It was my first time doing that deliberately and it was laughably easy. Too easy. Sometimes I wonder, (although less and less anymore) is this a joke? Are people really this blind? Can they really be this easy to manipulate?

    Anyway, once again thanks for sharing M.E. I appreciate the space you’ve provided for people like me to say things I will never say to anyone in my offline life.

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    1. I have missed Daniel Birdick on this blog

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    2. Why are there so many people here who want to claim they are sociopathic? Most of you are just idiots who want to think you are interesting when in fact, you aren't. I suggest Daniel and Thunderball get together and see if you can destroy each other. You might as well because you certainly wouldn't be interesting to anyone let alone a real sociopath.

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    3. Why are you here if not simply to stroke your own ego?

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  4. My own emotions are quite strong, but they're very basic and primal. I filter them out of necessity, though I must admit it's quite involuntary. They slip through from time to time, but generally speaking, they vanish as quickly as they come. If something provokes me into a rage, that rage will vanish as soon as the catalyst is gone, and sometimes it happens even sooner.

    I typically keep a very level head, but I know that certain things, or enough repeated frustration, will set me off. One of my past lovers told me that, when that happens, I get this look of pure hatred in my eyes, something she couldn't even find words for. She said it really scared her.

    But the same is true for positive emotions as well as the negatives. When I get excited about something, I get very, very excited. When I want something, I really, really want it. When I get sad or lonely, I get extremely sad or lonely.

    These moments are pretty rare. Usually, my life is engulfed in a very profound indifference. As long as my needs are met, I'm cool with it, and my needs are very, very basic.

    I've noticed that other people are typically incapable of resolving my emotions. For example, if I'm lonely, neither words nor company from anyone on the planet will resolve it. If I'm excited, I can't share that excitement with anyone and it actually starts to become frustrating and painful unless I suppress the excitement myself. If I'm enraged, no apologies, explanations, reparations, or usually even retribution will resolve it.

    It's something I have to do internally, by myself. And as I mentioned above, it usually doesn't take very long.

    Anyway, take from it what you will.

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    1. And does that make you a sociopath, peterpan? Well, all I can say is the name suits you well. Most of you people on here are just narcissistic but not intelligent enough to be a sociopath. What the authors on these articles forgets to state clearly enough is that a sociopath is extremely intelligent to the point of being unreadable, unfathomable and totally uncatchable.

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    2. You are so very near sighted anon every sociopath does not behave exactly like you and I am sure you inflated ego has given you away at one time or another... After allowing one person into your sociopathic world from a young age the pattern of:
      sloppy self serving behavior, lack of morality, manipulative superiority, enjoyment in causing pain, playing games and stealing

      will inarguably expose the adolescent sociopath. (Don't kid yourself)

      I told the sociopath I was dealing with I had figured him out and I had never illicted more of a reaction/reveal of his true essence over the 4 year span span of our "friendship". Of course he tried to lie and tell me I was wrong. But this personal victory in the end result was very disappointing to me. The relationship was over. I surprised the hell out of him. After years of being clueless to my own manipulation, being used as a naive pawn to stroke his ego, and the occasional incident of being cheated out of money due to his personal convenience. I, (the easiest most reliable target) had figured him out. It was a painful relevation for both of us. He was so shaken and ultimately struggled deeply to face the reality of our exchange. When we agreed to meet and swap back our belongings of one another (I had acquired some of his clothes because he trusted me entirely considering I basically helped him steal half of them. I just wanted my scarf) I kept his shit and gave him an empty bag after the scarf was safely back in my possession. Boy did I find enjoyment in beating him at his own game.
      I enjoyed his evil nature to everyone he manipulated and selective though false and ingenuine kindness and restraint he showed whenever around me.(I tend to have this effect on most people) When we were fighting he said I was his friend and though it was often absolute chaos and always painful to be around him I loved him and cherish the memories of the time in my life our memories of the time in my life our paths were entwined.
      He made me a better person through years of recreational drug abuse and adrenaline filled scam driven adventures he showed me the darkness that exists in the world, rid me of my naivety, and shattered my rose colored glasses. For him the recreational drug abuse turned to drug addiction that was what brought our relationship to an end. I still miss him and I'm mad he's addicted to drugs because I wish we were still drugging and adventuring with one another.
      Alas one isn't young forever. It's to bad he didn't have a psychopath he could have talked to at a younger age to guide him.

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    3. ME: OK, I'm not a diagnosed sociopath, but the scary similarities in my life that I've read on this blog compels me to list some things in my life that I've always thought were not right and see if you guys would give me an opinion on it. I was told I had ADHD as a child and the symptoms persisted to adulthood. I was diagnosed at 15, but my behavior was really really crazy, and I've always wondered why. I've been able to get myself under control later in life, but it's a struggle. The first time I can remember stealing things and hurting someone without remorse was at 9 years old. I enlisted friends to steal lumber from construction cites to build a Fort in my neighborhood. We stole quite a bit of lumber so the workers got angry and tore down my fort. My friends wouldn't help me get back at them, so I went back and rebuilt it myself and boogie trapped the entire area with hidden nail boards, trip wires etc. When the workers came back two of them had to go to the hospital. They called the police and they went to my house and my dad, who is an FYI agent, basically got the police to drop it, which he had to do many many time in my life. I never felt bad for the stealing or hurting them. 3 years later I was already shoplifting anything I could get my hands on, and things would escalate. I ended up mowing a woman's lawn with a friend who told me I was going to get paid $20. We did the work and she only paid us 20 total. I felt cheated so I broke into her house, stole her check book, forged her checks, and went to the bank myself and cashed them. I told the cashier it was a check from my grandma. I ended up getting caught because the friend I mowed the lawn with told. My mother sent me to live with my father in Texas. After that I went through cycles of crime and violence. I got into fist fights all the time. I robbed people. By the time I was 18 I had been in three major car accidents. 1 coming back from Mexico with a box of illegal switchblades and drugs. My father got me out of trouble. I put one into the channel by my house at 16. And the third one was on a high speed chase coming back from Mexico after trying to drive home drunk, passing out at the wheel and blowing through the checkpoint at 50 mph. That episode my dad had to pull a lot of strings to keep me out of trouble and I ended up joining the Marines after as part of the deal. The Marines was a double edged sword for me. I was really good at it, and it was extremely easy to manipulate the ranking system, and higher officials. Basically, promotions are based on four main metrics productivity, conduct, rifle score and physical fitness score. If you max out three no matter what u would pick up rank on time. So I always had the worst conduct scores because I don't like following someone else's rules. Which is why I was university hated by higher officials because I always manipulated the system in a way so that I never got punished. It's really crazy, but somehow I had this crazy knack for manipulating systems for my benefit and never once felt guilty. It's something I struggle with every day, because I've actually managed to be pretty successful later in life and gotten most of my issues under control. But these are just some of many many more equally crazy things I did throughout my youth. It would go in cycles. I would behave, and focus on school, and sports, and be good, and then would explode and do something so crazy it would defy belief. Sometimes I couldn't even believe it. And thinking back on it now that I have it under control, I see how somehow I've always manipulated my way out of trouble.

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    4. The Military provided perfect cover because police give military breaks all the time, especially during the 4 years I was in. It wasn't until after I went to Iraq, and a group of people from unit drowned in a truck (yes, drowned in a desert, drowned) that I started to get my behavior under control. I never felt remorse for them and I knew some of them. It always bothered why I didn't feel anything. I remember thinking, I'm never going to let that happen to me, I don't wanna do this, what am I going to do. And from then on I found ways to control my behavior, many of them destructive, and I've had to stop, for example snowboarding. I started doing jumps. And I kept going bigger and bigger over the years because it felt like my entire body reset the second I left the edge of the jump. It was an addiction, I went 4 times a week for 5 years. Until I botched a 50 footer, fell 20 ft straight down and had to go to the hospital. So I stopped. At that time, and after I had a sport bike and it was the same thing. I would get on it, drive to the end of town, and open it up to 180mph for 10 mins. I sold it because a bunch of my friends got in accidents all at the same time. I've struggled with pyromania. Several roommates have complained because I have a tendency to light things on fire inside the house randomly. I've found over time that I can't do those things either so I keep finding myself looking for something to ease the tension but there are less and less acceptable outlets so I have trouble sleeping for up to three days at a time. I also work in an extremely stressful field that I am extremely passionate about to the point where I find myself so sucked into a project that I can't put it down, sleep of think of anything else. I forget to eat, drink water, I just work until it's perfect and then I have the best sleep of my life. Which interestingly has relieved my the feelings like I could erupt at any time. I also do the exact thing you mentioned about saying things to people to illicit a specific emotion and getting pleasure from that. I don't know why, and honestly before reading this never even asked myself why I do it. I also find myself have to face myself not to manipulate my family which I've done in the past and it really really bothers me but sometimes I can't control it, do it and then change my mind right after and make a story for why I don't need what ever I asked for because I know it's wrong. But I rationalize sometimes so well that I go through with it and then engineer a way not to do it which sometimes involves manipulation as well so I can save face. I have also been told by every women ive ever been involved with that i have zero empathy, which i thought i knew was, but after actually talking about it with my current gf, who is amazingly accepting of my craziness in a way that I've never had, because she has some issues with depression and anxiety, which is why I started researching it. I have many many other weird issues, some scare me, some I just don't understand why I do them. Does anything I'm saying sound familiar to anybody because I've never spoken of this to anyone until I started talking to her about it. And honestly never truly thought about or really dwelled on any of it. I would feel that initial emotion like u said, but it's almost involuntary that I just shut it down immediately, especially sadness. I feel it for a moment, then shut it down. Same with rage now too, I just learned to sucked it down to the point where it's not so much an issue because I have it under control. And even before, once I was out of the situation I was no longer mad, and if I did something shitty to someone, I never felt bad about it. I always found a way to shift the blame.

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  5. As hard as I try, I've always found it difficult to identify myself; whenever I think I've found that cold truth describing me the self-knowledge changes me and puts me on the lookout for signs I may be something I though I was not, and I change my views. It's like trying to grab a handful of water, or even air. Not sure if there is even any solid personality for me to latch onto sometimes, maybe I'm making it by searching for it?

    I thought I lacked emotional attachment to other people, but now I'm starting to think maybe I care too much. Then I Start to think the introspection itself shows my asocial nature. I wonder how long it'll be before i convince myself this is really proof i'm emotional again, wonder if and where self-knowledge will end. Probably in death.

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  6. This self-searching is pathological and counterproductive. You need to embrace what you are as defined by your thoughts and actions, not the other way around.

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  7. Are people really this blind? Can they really be this easy to manipulate?

    Well, some certainly are. I worked with a guy, who some of the ‘players’, and eventually others, used as a tool, so much so that he became a company joke. The management responsible for the crew was weak and clueless, making this easy. Ever the smartass, I actually introduced a new employee to “Kent” with the words: “Kent is our dirty work scapegoat go-to guy!” which of course, flew right over Kent’s head. In his little world he was far too smart of a good guy to ever be that.

    Kent had bible verses pasted all over his desk, spoke of his kids and charity activities often. He was also a large male extravert with company seniority, was lazy but somewhat paranoid, and had been through the trauma of two wives leaving him and five years without a raise.

    One could create, within that guy, a hatred against somebody and get him to do dirty work that made nasty sociopaths look like church lady volunteers. I think he needed these rationalized hatreds to help him mentally suppress all his problems. After a new boss was installed, he had to leave the state to find employment elsewhere.

    He wasn’t a sociopath or retarded, just blinded to certain realities about himself. I don’t think he had any capability for personal insight, which I believe is critical for survival. At the very least, every man’s gotta know his limitations.

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  8. Smithing said, “This self-searching is pathological and counterproductive.

    Or, it could be one of the healthiest and most productive things any of us could ever do for ourselves. In my not so humble opinion, “know thyself” is wisdom’s foundation.

    paul said, “Not sure if there is even any solid personality for me to latch onto sometimes…”

    There isn’t. There’s a reason it’s like trying to grab a handful of water or air. It’s like one thought trying to grab hold of another thought. It’s impossible.

    nimbus said, “I don’t think he had any capability for personal insight, which I believe is critical for survival. At the very least, every man’s gotta know his limitations.”

    Exactly, which I believe your story aptly demonstrates.

    One could create, within that guy, a hatred against somebody and get him to do dirty work that made nasty sociopaths look like church lady volunteers.”

    And by “one” do you really mean you, Nimbus?

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  9. There is a difference between knowing yourself and boxing yourself into a label. Knowing your limits, quirks and coming to realize you are not as important as you think in the grand scheme of things; important. Playing armchair psychologist and trying to fit yourself into a set mold based off how you view yourself; unhealthy.

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    1. Realizing the socially constructed nature of "importance" and how to use it to your advantage including being humbler or more arrogant as the situation demands (in pursuit of your own interests) is even more aware.

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  10. Solomon said, “There is a difference between knowing yourself and boxing yourself into a label.”

    I agree. However, you forgot to mention why. Why would anyone bother wanting to know themselves and make use of available labels in the process? There are probably many reasons. One is the explanatory power of the label, meaning a good label will explain what is already there, which is key. It’s about explanation (opening up) rather than fitting (shoe-horning). Why bother trying to make the phenomena you’re trying to understand fit a label? That misses the point entirely. Another reason is that certain labels allow one to more make accurate predictions about how one is likely to think, feel and behave in the future rather than others. The predictive power of labels is very useful in that it increases one’s ability to make effective decisions.

    The homosexual/heterosexual labels are a great example of this. If a guy notices that he feels sexually attracted to other guys, but his parents, his family and his friends all universally condemn same sex attraction, and if he is confused, he might be sorely tempted to label himself a heterosexual. Yet that particular label will not explain what he’s really feeling and experiencing, nor will they accurately predict those things in the future. If he makes decisions about his life based on a “bad” label (one that is un-explanatory and non-predictive) the results are likely to be needlessly painful for him. By adopting the homosexual label, he’ll put himself into a position to make choices that are conducive to his own happiness, because that label explains what he’s truly feeling and allows him to predict what he’s likely to continue feeling in the future. Labels are only limiting to the degree that they are non-explanatory and non-predictive.

    “coming to realize you are not as important as you think in the grand scheme of things; important.”

    Why? Why is that important? Sure you may not be important to the universe. None of us are. Who cares? What matters is that you’re the most important being to you. Everything you do is ultimately about you. You are missing the trees by focusing too much on the forest.

    “Playing armchair psychologist and trying to fit yourself into a set mold based off how you view yourself; unhealthy.”

    Then why did you leave a comment here when you surely you realize that by doing so you were in effect playing ‘armchair psychologist’?

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  11. Daniel Birdick said...
    "Smithing said, “This self-searching is pathological and counterproductive.”

    Or, it could be one of the healthiest and most productive things any of us could ever do for ourselves. In my not so humble opinion, “know thyself” is wisdom’s foundation.

    paul said, “Not sure if there is even any solid personality for me to latch onto sometimes…”

    There isn’t. There’s a reason it’s like trying to grab a handful of water or air. It’s like one thought trying to grab hold of another thought. It’s impossible."

    I don't think trying to do the impossible is healthy or productive. Please note that I said "this self-searching," not introspection in general.

    Embrace who you are as defined by your thoughts and actions, not the other way around. There is no truer way to "know thyself."

    Attempting to catalog groups of behavior in yourself brings you further away from truth and self-acceptance. Paul's post, and the sum of Peter's posts, are perfect examples of that. They would be much better off to simply accept the sum of their behaviors as "me" instead of desperately trying to define themselves. It seems apparent to me that they're attempting to explain their behavior instead of getting in touch with their identities. There's a big difference.

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    1. But don't limit yourself to your past thoughts and actions. Always be flexible. If in the pursuit of your self-interests you have to just totally 180 your personality then do it.

      Labels do exist. They are patterns of phonemes (or in the deaf community hand gestures) that various people associate with various things which tend to cohere to enough of an extent to reliably predict how the label will be received. And labels particularly labels like "sociopathy" can be very very fluid and unpredictable in the long term. I have seen people use "sociopathy" to mean the person has to have some sort of malicious intentions with others and I've seen people use it to include purely self-interested people whose interests and the reality of circumstances and their understanding of it leads them to be good people.

      What draws me towards the label "sociopath"? I guess a bias towards seeing these labels as labels for brain types, since I don't believe a person could actually have a brain that compells evil since evil is a social construct that varies through time and space as people define and redefine it. Understanding my own thinking and piecing things together I realize that it's very likely my brain and possibly genetics (though it could have more to do with my own unique life experiences) looks the same. But depending on how you define "sociopath" I might not even qualify. One thing's for sure the label "enlightened self-interest" certainly applies to me. What makes me think I'm a sociopath is that if my life circumstances changed and good was no longer in my self-interest then I'd change too.

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  12. What makes more sense?

    "This must be me, or my behavior wouldn't make sense." Using an external personality blueprint as a reference point.

    or

    "This is me, because this is what I do." Building your self-image from scratch and accepting it for what it is.

    The former is pathological, counterproductive, and it will lead them in circles for the rest of their lives. The latter is the only way to build a healthy idea of self, which both posters are apparently lacking.

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  13. Smithing said, “Please note that I said "this self-searching," not introspection in general.”

    Ok. You may be right. Explain the difference, practically speaking, between the two.

    “It seems apparent to me that they're attempting to explain their behavior instead of getting in touch with their identities. There's a big difference.”

    You could be right about what they are trying to do. I neither know nor care. I am curious to know what the difference is between getting in touch with their identities as opposed to explaining their behavior. It almost sounds like a false dichotomy. Again, going back to my example, how would refusing to adopt the label of homosexual in any way aid or change the reality my mythical guy experiences if he’s exclusively attracted to other men? Why wouldn’t adopting the label of homosexual both explain and allow the guy to “get in touch” with himself?

    You go on to say, “What makes more sense?

    'This must be me, or my behavior wouldn't make sense.' Using an external personality blueprint as a reference point.

    or

    'This is me, because this is what I do.' Building your self-image from scratch and accepting it for what it is."

    Why not say:

    ‘This is me, because this is what I do and it makes sense of my behavior in a way that other labels do not.’

    “The former is pathological, counterproductive, and it will lead them in circles for the rest of their lives. The latter is the only way to build a healthy idea of self, which both posters are apparently lacking.”

    If you try to shoe horn the phenomena you’re studying (thoughts, feelings, and behavior) into the wrong labels or using incorrect concepts than I’d agree with you. But if you hit upon the right (accurate) conceptual schema, then I don’t agree with you.

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  14. Why? Why is that important? Sure you may not be important to the universe. None of us are. Who cares? What matters is that you’re the most important being to you. Everything you do is ultimately about you. You are missing the trees by focusing too much on the forest.

    You are important in the here and now. You are not important to the universe, world, country, or neighborhood; ultimately. I'm not trying to discredit you as a person. You are important to someone, of course. I'm just saying your suspension of ego; interest in yourself, will make you more relaxed and flow through the ebbs of life easier. Many intelligent people put too much thought into what they are because they feel deficient somehow in life. Less intelligent people without addictions ultimately live a better quality of life; they don't focus so much on themselves as interacting with their environment. They don't over analize their failures or wins, just go with whatever happens.

    Then why did you leave a comment here when you surely you realize that by doing so you were in effect playing ‘armchair psychologist’?

    No, I'm not trying to diagnose you. If anything I'm playing armchair life coach.

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  15. Daniel,
    Look at the inordinate importance they place on figuring themselves out through the use of labels. Paul has to be either emotional or emotionless. He can't accept that he can be either, depending on his mood, and embrace that as part of the unique creature that is Paul.

    He's too busy chasing his tail trying to slap labels on himself to understand who he really is.

    When I'm being introspective, I might think, "Wow, I can really be a jerk when I'm angry. Why is that?" That's quite different from indulging in the sort of "fake" introspection where you search for a label to substitute for a genuine "how" and "why."

    Saying that you're homosexual in the way that you'd say you're tall is fine. Defining yourself as a homosexual at the most personal level is counterproductive to the ultimate goal of knowing yourself.

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  16. Daniel,
    You've said, or at least implied, that you're a psychopath. If that's true, it would stand to reason that you're not very capable of genuine introspection anyway. Are you capable of taking a step back and asking yourself why you behave the way you do, without resorting to labels or giving up? Can you find genuine and significant answers within yourself?

    If the answer is no, then I don't expect you to understand the point I'm making; however, you should at least try to understand that your shallow nature isn't typical.

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  17. Oh, I see how it is Smithy baby, you want to help me find the real me so you can take advantage of me, huh? Well, you don't have to go through all that trouble. Let's just get down to business, eh? ;)

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  18. M.e, i have a question for you, you don't have to answer it, just ignore it if you think its a stupid question... :)

    Why is understanding about sociopathy so important to you?

    What i mean (coherence isn't my strongest quality lol), does sociopathy stop a sociopath from leading a normal life? (whatever normal is?, i still haven't figured that out). Can a sociopath not have a stable marriage or love their offspring, can a sociopath not hold down a job, or have a decent social life?

    Maybe i have missed the point of this blog, because i don't read literature on sociopathy? I just can't help thinking that as long as sociopaths aren't slaughtering people are they really that scary and bad because they don't feel emotions the way other people may do?

    I bet sociopaths enjoy rampant sex and good quality alcohol in the same way a lot of other people do...see a common bond!!

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    Replies
    1. A sociopath can absolutely have a normal life, stable marriage, and a good social life. He just will be doing those things for very different reasons than typical and will have a very different emotional experience. Many sociopaths choose to live within the law and broad norms. But they are choosing to take that direction rather than simply doing what they feel is comfortable and satisfying.

      Sociopaths, lacking normal fear and anxiety, must choose to avoid behavior that typical folks would just not want to do, due to guilt or fear. Getting drunk or otherwise really out of it is a bad idea for the sociopath because rationality goes out the window and he is likely to impulsively do some very illegal shit that he would think better of otherwise.

      The dangerous sociopaths are the ones with something wrong with them on top of sociopathy: sadists, compulsives, people with abusive childhoods, etc. The absence of guilt means that sociopaths with violent or abusive urges are very likely to indulge them and then lie effortlessly about it. Absent those urges, a sociopath is just someone with a very flat emotional affect, who may do things that hurt or terrify others without realizing it, especially in younger years. As they become aware of how they are different I believe most sociopaths make conscious adjustments to their behavior to generally avoid hurting other people. Although if some situation called for it, the sociopath is the one that could slit a throat happily and then never lose sleep about it later. And he probably cheats on his taxes really hard.

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  20. Well, in that case as long as that psycho was as sexy as hell, well hung and knew exactly how to satisfy a woman between the sheets, then permission would always be granted. As long as he closes the door on the way out :)

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  23. What did you delete peter? Wow your disturbed lmao...is that what turns you on? When i first read what you wrote i think my jaw hit the floor ha ha...

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  25. I didn't actually think i had "common bonds", i have no idea how you have just creeped me out! lol. But hey im stupid...i like scary!

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  26. I think if anyone here is a true sociopath here, it is Peter. People like Thunderball are show-boating at best; Daniel Birdick is show-boating as well, but, is way too thoughtful. Peter's writing has the subtle dark under-tones and equivocating nature that I've experienced in sociopaths.

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  27. What the hell have you guys been talking about? Knowing thyself is a relative thing. A blanket statement such as: “I would be formidable in a fight!” is meaningless without context. Placing yourself into an either/or box is self-delusional, unless there is no middle, like male/female.

    And by “one” do you really mean you, Nimbus?

    No. I was too young and foolish back then, more impulsive and reactive than strategic. The major lesson learned was that you cannot count on most people to be anything other than themselves, regardless of how they delude themselves. If I could go back things would have been quite different.

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  28. I'm not a sociopath, Solomon, but I'm interested in what you're talking about. I know I deleted all of my comments, but can you think of anything that would serve as a good example of equivocation and "subtle dark under-tones"?

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  29. an you think of anything that would serve as a good example of equivocation and "subtle dark under-tones"?

    Below, is a good example of dark.

    Peter Pan said... If making women bleed turned the guy on, he'd make you bleed. Maybe he wants to face fuck you brutally and make you choke on his cum. Can he get away with it if you don't survive?

    You've talked about making women bleed before; in one of your deleted responses. Even Tinkerbelle said you were creeping her out.

    As far as good examples of your equivocations; I don't have replies to reference. I'm at a loss to remember exactly, so you can choose to disregard that if you wish. My point stands, ultimately.

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  31. Solomon wrote, “No, I'm not trying to diagnose you. If anything I'm playing armchair life coach.”

    Fair enough. All I can say is that one’s “quality of life” is not necessarily an objective thing. Although your suggestions concerning the ego and going with whatever happens might be useful for many people, they won’t be useful for all. Besides, ego isn’t such a bad thing, is it? I find it pretty amusing myself. Then again, that’s just me and as we all know, it’s all about me in the end, no?

    “Daniel Birdick is show-boating as well, but, is way too thoughtful.”

    Thank you. The show boating thing though, not so much. I write comments here as a way of furthering my own self understanding. Conversation can enlarge awareness. Convincing anyone here of anything is not important to me. Who here would I want to impress and with what and why? The sociopath label isn’t exactly something I’d parade around as if it’s something to be proud of. As I’ve said before, I never intend to tell anyone in my offline life that I believe I have sociopathic tendencies. It could prove to be problematic.

    And just so we’re clear, as I said before, I believe that sociopath/psychopath is more of a continuum of behavior/affect rather than something you either are completely or are not. In that sense, I believe I fall on the Machiavellian side of the continuum rather than the full blown, hard core side. Does that mean I think a qualified professional in a diagnostic setting would diagnose me with anti-social personality disorder? Maybe, maybe not, but to reiterate, I find that issue irrelevant. This particular label only matters to the degree that I find it useful, no more, no less. If you and other readers believe that a Machiavellian mind would never write such “thoughtful comments” than I say cool beans. What you believe about me has no bearing on what I believe about myself, so we all win. YAY!

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  32. errrm? Peter Pan, Why do i get the feeling that isn't the 1st time you have thought of that? lol...are you into s.n.m by any chance? You would only seriously creep me out if we were sat together, (i think i might just pee pee my knickers)..na.. na.. na.. na.. na!! but im safe here in England :)

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  33. 1) Because it isn't.
    2) No, I'm not.
    3) No, I/you wouldn't.
    4) Yes, you are.

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  34. Fair enough, Peter.

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  35. Ok Smithing, I think I understand where you are coming from on the introspection thing and I actually agree. Cause and effect seems to be what you’re talking about and if so, I concur. If you start off labeling without trying to, as objectively as possible, make accurate connections between thought, emotion, action and results, then yeah, I’d say that you run the risk of misunderstanding what’s truly going on within and without. But, what I don’t see is why, after making such an analysis, using a label to encapsulate a suite of personal characteristics makes the analysis faulty or “fake”.

    I think the disconnect is that you think there is a core self to be known, one that transcends all labels. Am I right? As far as I can tell there’s nothing more than the input/output of the brain, biological and societal programming. It’s turtles all the way down man!

    Moving,I don’t think I’m a psychopath. I think there is a continuum of behaviors/affect/internal processes, and that I fall on the lower end of said continuum, that’s all.

    “Are you capable of taking a step back and asking yourself why you behave the way you do, without resorting to labels or giving up? Can you find genuine and significant answers within yourself?”

    I am capable of a great many things Smithing my friend. I am definitely capable of finding the truth about my inner world. Now my findings might not match any preconceived notions about what constitutes “genuineness” in your view. As far as significance goes, well everything is in the final analysis, insignificant. I appear to be incapable of believing in significance or meaning (in the grand scheme of things that is) because I discovered that the answers that calm most people’s existential fears, the answers that are supposed to provide ultimate meaning and significance, are nothing more than smoke and mirrors.

    “you should at least try to understand that your shallow nature isn't typical”

    But wait, Solomon said I was thoughtful! How can I be shallow and thoughtful?!! What’s a poor label-less guy to do? lol Seriously though, it’s been my observation that what constitutes “depth” in most people is actually their extraordinary ability to believe their own delusions.

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  36. Nimbus wrote, “The major lesson learned was that you cannot count on most people to be anything other than themselves, regardless of how they delude themselves. If I could go back things would have been quite different.”

    Smart man. You live and you learn. Well, at least the intelligent ones do. But where people get messed up is when they believe in morality. Not you of course. I get the feeling you may not have that problem. Then again, to be fair, most people appear to be saddled with uncontrollable feelings of guilt and remorse, which constrain their beliefs and actions to some small but important degree. This makes them incapable of learning the lessons you (and I) have.

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    1. Wow this is so true. I have to deal with a ton of people on a daily basis and observing them i usually find that if there is a short cut and they feel like the can get away with taking it they will. I believe there is a phrase that says a good rat has more than one whole. I believe a good cat know where all of them are before he starts chasing him.

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  37. I have a personal sense of morality based on pragmatism. Turning the other cheek invites a broken jaw, but so can throwing the first punch. The best starting point is in the middle, where the view is best and options most.

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  38. Yeah Nimbus, but if you throw the 1st punch and subsequently break someones jaw...well you don't have to worry about it, because it's not your jaw.
    Beside's can you explain how to start in the middle? Excuse me, im very slooooow :)

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  39. I have a question for you as well Nimbus. Do you feel guilty when you do “bad” things? If so, how often have those feelings actually stopped you from doing other “bad” things?

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  40. if you throw the 1st punch and subsequently break someones jaw...well you don't have to worry about it, because it's not your jaw.

    So their jaw heals and they pay a bigger guy to break yours?

    Beside's can you explain how to start in the middle?

    I try not to start in positions where I’m up against any walls. But that’s the common wisdom, and what suits my temperament. Other people do what works for them. In new jobs, the CW that if you start out big and bold you might ruffle feathers or even make some enemies. But I’ve seen it done successfully. The same for the meek and mild approach. I’ve known some of those guys who never seem to get walked on. Somehow they just stay out of the way.

    Do you feel guilty when you do “bad” things?

    That’s a tough one - mixed. I find retaliating against somebody who’s intentionally wronged me quite satisfying, but I’ve felt badly for saying the ‘wrong thing’ to somebody who I’d misunderstood. As a kid I inspired others to break out some random windows with some frozen chickens we stole, and still think it was pretty damned funny, but I would never do that as an adult. Well, maybe unless I thought the guy deserved it.

    If so, how often have those feelings actually stopped you from doing other “bad” things?

    Yes, but I try to make it a practical matter wherever possible. I used to ignore, even forgive, the unwitting tool (as in those who were being used against me). Those types are almost always idiots and/or scumbags whose lives are a chronic mess anyways. But lately, I’ve been considering making sport of these people, to help ease my frustration with them.

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  41. "like crying at a sad movie"

    This struck a chord with me particularly. Because I'm not able to really interpret what dick and jane consider sadness I will make attempts to intentionally throw myself into a state of woe in hopes of a response.

    One movie that does this for me every time is Deep Impact. Where the reporter holds her father on the beach while the sea swells to 1000ft in height and she mumbles, "Daddy". I see this bond between two human beings that I've never had yet want so bad it will throw me into tears.

    It's these few seconds of feeling which give me the illusion of being connected with humanity. It's a taste of whatever everyone else feels. It's pleasing to say the least.

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  42. Has anyone here read the book "Do Androids Dream of Electric Sheep," by Philip K. Dick? The book was later adapted to make the movie "Blade Runner," but the theme of the book is very different than that of the movie.
    The book really explores the nature of the empathy-feeling people -- the humans -- and the non-empathy feeling people -- the androids.
    All the humans connect with one another when they plug into an "empathy machine," and experience the sufferings of their savior, Wilbur Mercer. The androids can't plug in to the empathy machine, because they don't feel empathy.
    Some of the androids are jealous of the humans' emphatic abilities, but most of the androids are scornful of 'em. The book also presents a continuum wherein some humans are brutal & some androids are talented, productive, superior in some ways etc...

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  43. This was very insightful for me thank you so much for sharing.

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  44. I'm aware, yes very aware of what a sociopath is now. I've had extremely good training to exactly what a sociopath is. You, see this isn't just some idle boast, before I met my little bed bug, my vocation was pattern and data modelling.

    It's such a no brainer, are sociopaths aware?

    How about, are the "normals" they've conned, manipulated, hurt and sadistically revelled in their emotional distress aware?

    I know where you all are, and its past normal levels of gratification.

    Denial hey?

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  45. I think there are many factors that create sociopaths, and I think that they occur in complexity.

    There are physiological factors, such as genetics, which (I firmly believe) includes autism; also poor nutrition during development; also violence that causes neurological damage...

    There are environmental factors, such as (again) violence; spiritual experiences; predatory relationships...

    What seems most bizarre to me is insistence on shared experience ("interpretation," to be exact). The comment above mine just reeks of it. The longer I'm alive the more amazed I am when there is genuine synchronicity among (usually "between") minds. It is exceedingly rare.

    And then there is the societal factor: "Shared experience" can be invoked most readily through the destruction of individual minds in such programs as religions, charities (a growing trend in America these days), politics, and consumerism... To me, these cultish programs are dangerous. Morality in general is a program designed to create faux synchronicity as well (sociopaths do not participate in morality, as the comment above angrily describes). The key element of faux synchronicity is compulsion, which destroys the self-regulation that is common to EVERY discrete form of life.

    I read a comment on another forum by Daniel Birdick who describes his experience of satori as failing to spark empathy. This has been my experience as well, and I've been deeply engaged in spiritual matters for 20 years. In fact, the deeper you go, the less engaged you become with mentation, especially that of other people. So you become more loving (accepting, allowing) but less empathetic (emotional, mental). When one knows real synchronicity, one simply cannot abide these manipulative, devitalizing, compulsory programs that minds engage in.

    Yes, anyone who doesn't lockstep with society damages the progress toward faux synchronicity. Isn't it enough to keep to oneself, to learn to communicate clearly and respectfully, to be vital, to expect nothing and to recoil at expectation, to tend one's own garden? Can a person really be blamed for failing to meet the demands created by and imposed by other minds?

    There is an intelligence from which life arose and through which life is maintained. Will we ever have the courage to know this? And then to allow it? These troubles among us are of our own making, whether they are genetic, environmental, or societal.

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  46. Many factors create "sociopaths: "

    Physiological factors, such as genetics, which (I firmly believe) includes autism; also poor nutrition during development; also violence that causes neurological damage...

    Environmental factors, such as (again) violence; spiritual experiences; predatory relationships...

    Very bizarre to me is insistence on shared experience ("interpretation," to be exact). The longer I'm alive the more amazed I am when there is genuine synchronicity among (usually "between") minds. It is exceedingly rare.

    So there is the societal factor: "Shared experience" can be invoked most readily through the destruction of individual minds in such programs as religions, charities (a growing trend in America these days), politics, and consumerism... All dangerous. Morality in general is also a program designed to create faux synchronicity (sociopaths do not participate in morality, as the comment above angrily describes). The key element of faux synchronicity is compulsion, which destroys the self-regulation that is common to EVERY discrete form of life.

    Daniel Birdick comments elsewhere that satori failed to spark empathy. This has been my experience as well, and I've been deeply engaged in spiritual matters for 20 years. In fact, the deeper you go, the less engaged you become with mentation, and abandon the illusion that you can "know" anything about other minds. So you become more loving (accepting, allowing) but less empathetic (emotional, mental). When one knows real synchronicity, one simply cannot abide these manipulative, devitalizing, compulsory programs that minds engage in.

    Yes, anyone who doesn't lockstep with society damages the progress toward faux synchronicity. Isn't it enough to keep to oneself, to learn to communicate clearly and respectfully, to be vital, to expect nothing and to recoil at expectation, to tend one's own garden? Can a person really be blamed for failing to meet the demands created by and imposed by other minds?

    There is an intelligence from which life arose and through which life is maintained. Will we ever have the courage to know this? And then to allow it? These troubles among us are of our own making, whether they are genetic, environmental, or societal.

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  47. Many factors create "sociopaths:"

    Poor brain development due to genetics, inadequate nutrition, violence...

    Learned pathways from (again) violence; spiritual experiences; predatory relationships...

    Very bizarre is the assumption of shared experience ("interpretation," to be exact). The longer I'm alive the more amazed I am when there is genuine synchronicity among (usually "between") minds. It is exceedingly rare.

    What is repugnant to society - "sociopathic" - is the rejection of the "shared experience" that is invoked through the destruction of the self-regulation that is common to EVERY discrete form of life. Mental programs such as religions, charities (a growing trend), politics, consumerism, morality in general - they create a faux synchronicity based on compulsion.

    An authentic person, well-integrated, is loving (accepting, allowing) but less empathetic (emotional, mental). When one knows real synchronicity, one simply cannot abide these manipulative, devitalizing, compulsory programs that minds engage in.

    There is an intelligence from which life arose and through which life is maintained. Will we ever have the courage to know this? And then to allow it? These troubles among us are of our own making, whether they are genetic, environmental, or societal.

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  48. I don't think that most sociopaths are self aware of their sociopathy, in fact I think that just most go through their entire lives never causing any real problems.

    In my case becoming self aware of my sociopathy was a life changing experience. I realized that sociopathy was caused by the way my brain was able to process feelings, many of the behavioral tendencies on Dr Hare's little checklist are just symptoms.

    Understanding my sociopathy helped me to learn the value of logic, reason, philosophy and ethics. My life did a 180 after that.

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  50. Replies
    1. You're only saying that because you didn't get it. That be envy!

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    2. Ha. OK, whatever you need to tell yourself.

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  51. I actually read this post... I like it.

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  52. M.E. said:

    Let's say I am very disappointed by a change in plans, a shift in a relationship, someone's rejection of me. Instead of acknowledging and really feeling my disappointment, my brain tries to come up with a nefarious reason that I might feel this way -- maybe it is because they have disrupted one of my schemes, maybe it is because now my future predictions will be wrong or there is wasted effort, maybe I'm just selfish. It is very difficult for me to acknowledge that i am just disappointed, that I have had an emotional reaction to something that has happened in my life.


    I relate to this very well. The process of rationalizing my emotions causes their sharp edges to soften. Deconstructing and analyzing one's feelings from every possible angle is an effective means through which to diminish their poignancy, because it shifts one's focus from the experience of "feeling" to the intellectual assessment of "reacting" - thereby attenuating the affective facets of an experience, and reinforcing their cognitive integration. As such, it is easy to understand how this process of rationalization undergirds the sociopathic tendency to shift blame onto others. I suspect this is a deeply embedded defense mechanism.

    If only it worked for anger. :(

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    1. Sounds like you're talking about the neurotic defence mechanism of intellectualization, Alter.

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  53. If you could have one wish of something you could add to your personality, what would it be? Monica wants to add her inner bitch and she needs it.

    What about you? Play this game on this blurry Tues.

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  54. “Until you're ready to look foolish, you'll never have the possibility of being great.”
    ― Cher

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  55. I'm really curious - How many people are tired of Monica World?

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    1. I am so tired of monica world. Everyone should start ignoring her so she might shut up for a while.

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  56. Brilliant article "The unexamined life is not worth living"
    These kind of articles inspire me to do the same thing. Thank you M.E

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  57. ^Monica, "Your examined life is not worth living for many of
    us." M.E. always has great articles and thank you M.E.for
    leaving us with some mystery into your insights. That's what intelligent people do. Your welcome.

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    1. Can't a person be a fucking Anonymous without being outed?

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    2. Have you ever, really ask yourself why people know it's "You?" Silly, question huh - as you never accept responsibility. Oh hum

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  58. The hornets nest in the Forum is buzzing and looking for some slim pickings in the Comment section.

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    1. Really? Are you one of those that are good at opening doors for others but is afraid to enter, yourself? I thought so.

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    2. I might visit the Forum as - I'm tiring of the bottom feeders. LOL

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  59. I am looking for meat.

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    1. Would you take Monica?

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    2. love The Forum's comment :D

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    3. there is a difference between meat and shit anon 1:46

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    4. You would, Monica
      You posted it

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    5. here is a difference between meat and shit anon 1:46

      I have tears of laughter in my eyes.

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    6. Imagine that fridge.~

      Have to say, I quite like the picture chosen for this post. I'm not sure how many people get it or know where it’s from, though.

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  60. Replies
    1. Elegant choice, Themes

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    2. Thank you. I had a chuckle or two.

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  61. Great. I toy with the notion of there possibly being a grand design, purpose, or destiny. I equally differ to the thought of complete and flowing randomness. Whichever brought me to this website, be it destiny or chance I am most grateful. Self awareness, the kind you mentioned where you use the sharpest scalpel of honesty and force yourself to swallow what gets cut out; that kind of self awareness began about two weeks ago for me. I am just now coming to grips with the facts I have laid before myself and those same facts being corroborated with the few people I have allowed to get close to me. The conclusion to those facts being I haven't been a very nice person, especially to those closest to me. I'm not sure where this journey of self reflection will go but I'm on the way. Thanks again for basically summing up what I've been relating to.

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    1. Gundgy suck a duck and man the fuck up!!!

      ....................../´¯/)
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    2. Hmmm... By reading one post and sumizing someone is not "manning-up" (not even sure what that means anymore: a man isn't what it use to be); sir, Anon, you are an idiot. You are very clever with your use of symbols, but I'm not so sure clever is what you really want to be.

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  62. "You take my gifts as stealing the show and you take my compliments as me patronizing you. You must be a total bitch as a girlfriend."

    I think this comment sums Medusa up in two sentences. I love it!
    Where is she? She must be bored.

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    1. You are such a fucking bird of prey.

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    2. Lol. You don't know me very well yet, Monica. :-) really I'm quite meek. I just loved the twitter quote.

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    3. She doesn't know anyone here very well. Too busy making lies up about them in her head, and convincing herself that they're truths.

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    4. I really don't see why you are so, gratuitously, rude to people. Do you think you are being cool, or something? Do you think you are being a badass?

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    5. I am going to have to force myself ignore you, Eden. It will be discipline, like not eating the second piece of cheesecake.

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    6. Good for you. And look... you're doing so well already! heh... stupid cunt.

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    7. Aw, Eden, talking to you is a treat for her...
      and was that to me? I don't value manners the same way anymore. I'm polite to people I don't know or care about. Otherwise I'm honest. Are you back to being in love with Medusa?

      I've never seen anyone with as much talent for self deception, with the exception of the two heroin addicts I've had the experience to meet. I love watching her twist things. Taking actual events and contorting them in a way that disguises their existence in the first place. I like trying to figure out her truth through reverse engineering of her statements and beliefs. Like how hard her mom probably tried to teach her and give her as much as she could.

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    8. Pigs piss mother fuckin pork.

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    9. Oh look, Finger is back with his trademark nonsense. How've you been, Badass?

      Delete
    10. I've been fucking great. I just beat a possession charge. How have you been.

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    11. Wonderful as always, thank you for asking. Bored out of my skull now though. Why don't you tell me all about you exploits?

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    12. It was pretty easy. I got off because they did an illegal search of my car, fuckin dumbasses.

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    13. It was pretty easy. I got off because they did an illegal search of my car, fuckin dumbasses.

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    14. Good for you. So what was it you were in possession of exactly?

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  63. Marijuana/ Fire arm How are you and your family problems?

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    Replies
    1. Oh you bad boy, you. Did they spread eagle you, search you roughly, then handcuff you? Did they huskily whisper 'now we're going to breathalyse you'?

      I don't really have problems with my family anymore. There are those I don't have anything to do with and those that walk on eggshells around me. I find their bullshit amusing nowadays.

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    2. Good to see you Finger!

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    3. Good to see you - we haven't had much honesty in a while. :}

      Delete
    4. Its good to be fucking back.


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  64. "this is narcissism. when the tiniest voice of disapproval buried under a rock in a remote part of the universe has the power to topple you"


    Powerful quote.

    ReplyDelete
  65. " It is necessary that we first draw the distinction between evil and ordinary sin. It is not their sins per se that characterize evil people...The central defect of the evil is not the sin but the refusal to acknowledge it."

    from People of the Lie.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It was you, Monica, that came to mind when I came across this quote. That's why I posted it.

      Delete
    2. Thanks Anon
      That has been my point this whole time, but people skew it for their own nefarious purposes *sigh*

      Delete
    3. Your blindness is unfathomable, Monica. I meant that the quote refers to you. You are such a person.

      Delete
    4. My God, she's responding to her own statements. Unbelievable. She's talking to herself.......

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    5. I can't believe the lengths that you will do, to protect that "image." Or to "win."

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    6. Is THAT how she deludes herself with such penetrable lies? She creates alter egos to convince herself of them in addition to her own attempts.

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    7. You are so fucking ugly, Kany. Your outside is the same as your inside. You just reek.

      Delete
    8. Monica, you are like a face eating tumor. Aint nothing uglier than that.

      Delete
  66. yes

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fDQIGraR3aI

    ReplyDelete
  67. "I have some people who say that I am not even a sociopath at all. This may be true."

    It is true and you know it. You have a morbid fascination for the subject and a perverse need to be a sociopath. But you don't cut the mustard. You're just another modern day PT Barnum, buddy.

    ReplyDelete
  68. Jesus Christ can heal your hearts. Repent and believe the Gospel!

    2 Corinthians 5:6-10 NLT

    So we are always confident, even though we know that as long as we live in these bodies we are not at home with the Lord. For we live by believing and not by seeing. Yes, we are fully confident, and we would rather be away from these earthly bodies, for then we will be at home with the Lord. So whether we are here in this body or away from this body, our goal is to please him. For we must all stand before Christ to be judged. We will each receive whatever we deserve for the good or evil we have done in this earthly body.

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  69. Lol, I think you're all just pieces of shit but call yourselves sociopaths in order to avoid taking any responsibility for being pieces of shit.

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  70. it's funny the only time I truly "feel" emotion is during a powerful movie. I become a part of the scene and feel immersed in what's going on. If the same thing took place in the real world I would have to figure out what my reaction is "supposed to be", and then put on a good show. I spend a lot of time mirroring the reactions and emotions of those around me, luckily I have a job where most emotional displays are discouraged.

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  71. JJJJJJJJJEEEEEEEEEEEEEEESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSUUUUUUUUUUUUSSSSSSSSSSSSS

    CCCCCCCCCHHHHHHHHHHHHHRRRRRRRRRRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIISSSSSSSSSSSSTTTTTTTTTTTTTT

    CAN SUCK MY DICK 8=======D~

    ReplyDelete
  72. So, out of all of these readings... I feel like the first point of entry into no longer behaving like a sociopath is to "recognize and admit" that I am a sociopath? Once the awareness of what I am doing is there and I am able to make that awareness more and more frequent, then these are the first steps to stopping!
    This is quite difficult. Mostly, I don't "think" I behave badly or have lack of remorse or empathy! But, the point is, it never even crosses my mind. I just do it. When I can sit and "try" to think clearly and from a reality standpoint, I am aware that what I do is not what a "normal" person would do. In reality, I also understand having meaningless unsafe sex is not what I want yet, I crave it and typically, JUST DO IT. I know I just up and walk away from "friends" by moving to a new place or quitting a job but, "in the moment - I don't care." It just takes over me like I'm a robot. The moments of sitting and "thinking" are rare. Its like I have to force myself through the difficult process of "self thought/self awareness." When I do, I can see things/ways I should/can change but mostly, I don't feel like anything is "abnormal."
    Is there a way to become more aware of what I'm doing, how I'm behaving, what I'm saying and kind of get out in front of it and prevent it? If I am able to do this more and more, I see this as the path to success.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Isn't being an amzing sociopath without being detected by "normal" people the path to success?

      Delete
  73. None of you have really shared (really) why you think you are sociopaths...I suspect because you are afraid of what people will think. I'm sorry but you can try to be upet by me saying this but I know better (yes, I truly know better)...there are things I can't share with anyone....ANYONE. I feel like these responses either aren't sincere or most of the people that have posted here are borderline cases. I do think socioaths can become self-aware: it takes time and a unique type of acceptance...I wish I had reached awareness and self-acceptance 10 years before I did.

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    Replies
    1. I think I have strong subclinical sociopathic tendencies because I score about a 25 on the 40 point Psychopathy Check List. 29 is the clinical cutoff. There you go! And I wasn't able to put a name on the ways I am different until a girl I met when I was 36 called it. She was studying psych and she knew the DSM Antisocial Personality Disorder criteria by heart. She figured I displayed all 7 of those criteria which is probably right. ASPD is a looser definition than psychopath/sociopath.

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  74. Hi M.E.

    "...if knowledge is power, then what is misinformation?" Ah, well, we all call that 'the government'.

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  75. I realize that this is old... but I keep coming back, please leave this up forever, just because when I feel a bit too inhuman I can come to this page and know I'm not alone, and while this is probably because i just wish i was normal and honestly I hate that I'm not...this page makes me feel normal... if only but a moment

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  76. The most dangerous sociopath is a self-aware one... I enjoy reading all of our "faults" online... and all these "What to look for..." blogs... it makes it all that much easier to figure out what exactly I need to focus on more to hide from others... Please keep posting more info. :D its being put to good use. :D

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  77. Thank you M.E. for posting. My whole life I've felt alone and reading your posts have made me feel the closest thing to empathy I've ever felt.

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  78. JWW: Self Awareness is the ability to recognize your own consciousness. I am very self aware that the 'I' I call 'myself' is very different from all others that I perceive to be around me. So . . Yes!

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  79. Wow this blog is scary. Maybe you and I are the save level of sociopath. I have asked myself the same questions and tell myself I'm not a true sociopath because I can feel stuff sometimes. I've had my heart broken so I tell myself see, look, I can love, so I'm not a sociopath.

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  80. I realized I was a sociopath when I dissected the emotions I felt and the reasons behind them. Ultimately, I feel hurt or fearful at times because I worry I will be fucked over. I used to believe I was feeling fearful or hurt because someone else had hurt me. In reality I am allowing myself to fear because I lack faith that anything will proceed precisely as I would desire it in a world full of random occurrences and variables... and then I will potentially receive some of the backlash.

    Whereas others' first thoughts upon a 7-year relationship ending on the other party's terms may be those of loss of that person, or pain from a severed bond, my immediate thoughts were concerns of moving my furniture and whether or not I would be homeless.

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  81. -you are a good girl, and really intelligent and you are kind - this is the sentence i often hear from people around me. i haven.t revealed the fact that i fake every emotion and i -care- only about 3 or 4 people. i make friends but once i get to know them well , i push them away, in sociopathic terms i get what i want from them and i throw them away, but said like that it would make me a bad person, and i am not. for a long time i was at war with myself because i did not know why i acted the way i did or why i did not feel something in situations which the people around me would . i feed on other people.s emotions , i don.t know, it gives me a thrill.
    it.s sad that i haven.t fully accepted myself yet and i often wish i was stupid and normal, but everyone around me thinks that. i.m the only one who knows who i am. but it is better that to be ignoraant and a fool.

    ReplyDelete
  82. Thanks very much for this site. I think you are making a great contribution to our community of both sociopaths and non-sociopaths.

    I am a strongly empathic person. I say this so that you know my bias.

    My questions.

    Do you feel empathy for other sociopaths? As I write this I'm thinking of yr story about the holocaust survivor you helped with some paperwork. The story contained a remark which suggested to me that you had some fellow feeling for her.

    I notice that in your book (Confessions) you use the word 'empathy' far more often then the word compassion (~80 to 6). Why is this?

    ReplyDelete

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