Friday, July 13, 2012

Starting over

I have been doing the same thing for around 3 years now.  That's my typical expiration date before I let things fall apart.  And that's really what it is for the most part.  I was talking to a friend about this.  I don't think it's self-destruction for the sake of self-destruction.  It's just abandoning my current life for something different, letting my life raft sink.

I thought of the analogy of an etch a sketch toy.  Let's say that you've spent about 3 years working on an etch a sketch drawing (it took you so long because you have a very flat learning curve).  Finally you get to the end, or maybe just as far as you would like to go on this particular design.  What do you do now?  You shake it up and start over.

You could keep it, maybe frame it and hang it up on the wall.  One time when I was in East Germany I actually visited someone's house where that's what they had done, essentially -- assembled puzzles, then varnished the top, put them in a frame, and hung them on the wall.  Not really the point of a puzzle, I thought.  The point is not to have a pretty picture of something to look at.  The point is the process of the puzzle, the enjoyment you get from cutting your teeth on some new game.  Same with the etch a sketch.  Same with life.  To me the point isn't to get to a certain point in my career or relationships or social circle or geography and just stick with it.  To me the point is the process: the planning, the initial steps, the reassessment, the further plotting, the execution, the tenacity, the fulcrum.  Often I don't even stick around to see the final product.  Sometimes I leave the puzzle half finished.  Once I am bored of sufficiently assured of my success (at least in my own mind), I am ready to move on and start over on something else.  

I know there is something coming up that could change my life drastically in about a year.  Otherwise I might be busy shaking things up right now.  But it's kind of weird timing, both close enough in my two year plan that it makes sense to keep doing what I am doing until then, and long enough away that I'm itching to get on with it.


  1. That article leaves me wanting more.

  2. I concur with Monica. This is thought provoking & seamless without 'having to try.' What you touch upon here is likely what many (empath, socio, whatever...) experience. Though usually, unlike yourself get caught up in the outcome too much for their own benefit. Maybe it's easy for those who identify with sociopaths (I do yet can't say I'm one/not) or tendencies/traits (of socios) cause there's a game to be played & mastered. Example: If/When I compete-I seek to Win & Win Well. Maybe it's cause there's expection for something to fall in one's lap a certain pre-meditated way, with a certain expectation-especially after formatting something to do such a thing. I know I've become this way after not wanting my investment of time, energy & manipulation of a thing/ person/situation to go to waste. Sometimes, I've felt bored lacking stimulation. After so long, become less & less intrigued as newer crops spring up on a field. I sour to the old & go with the current & inviting. Other times, I don't much less care & either quit while I'm ahead or after I've gotten enough kicks out of what I've done. Your approach & the sharing of it is enjoyable & well put.

  3. I think I'm reaching a similar point myself. My typical stretch for a single life event is about 2 years max. Usually the shaking up isn't necessarily voluntary, but as of right now there's no natural cause for such a shake up and I find myself getting anxious and desiring the change. I have finished school. I have a successful career. I have a successful relationship (shocking). Now what? I feel stuck. I need something new to work towards but I don't have any real reason to or an obvious prospect. What to do, what to do.

  4. Was it that guy you were talking about, Haven?

    1. Probably? We've been together for about 9 months now.

    2. You were really freaked about closeness. How did you deal with it?

  5. I'm getting this right now too. Are we all getting some sort of reset signal from the mother ship, do you think? :)

    I never realised until recently that there's a definite cycle to this effect. With me there's always been something I could point at as a triggering event, but looking back I think it would always have happened anyway, and the so-called triggers were convenient and feasible excuses to make me look more reasonable.

  6. Replies
    1. Themes for SW RegularsJuly 13, 2012 at 1:38 PM

      Do you know the story of Peter and the Wolf?

    2. I know now, so?

    3. Themes for SW RegularsJuly 13, 2012 at 1:41 PM

      Well, it was Peter's Theme.

    4. And Peter caught wolf. So why Darkweaver got Peters theme? ;D

  7. I don't think it's self-destruction for the sake of self-destruction. It's just abandoning my current life for something different, letting my life raft sink.

    I am reaching that point with a certain project too. It is a very successful endeavor that is currently growing, but now that three years have elapsed, I am itching to delegate the leadership. I am starting to act like an irresponsible flake; that's my cue to exit stage right.

    I am a great initiator, but I can never seem to persevere over the long-haul.

  8. ?Well for me if I analyse the process to death I miss out on enjoying te process . And that's all aIU can always handle. I can't live my life knowing "I'm gonna give up this or that in two years... " Sure I know my patterns, but I don't want to anticipate them. What if they change? ? ? I KNOW . I get bored. I KNOW. Wtf. You never know. Maybe one wday I won't? Maybe one day I will be able to be so in control of my own situation that I can maneuver it just so so I can keep it and also . . . . / . no, huh?

  9. "I didnt do anything to you, that you haven't done to many others. You got what you deserved."

    Beautiful, M.E.
    Almost enough to make you believe in karma ;)

  10. Oh...Oh yes. Oh yes! Oh my god! YES! That's it! More! :o MORE! :o OOOOOOOHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! XO

    1. Was it as good for you as it was for me, baby? Want to share my cigarette?

  11. I went through a similar shake-up about a year ago. Felt good, and I'm excited again. Stagnation is death, no?

  12. What a fucked up narcissistic post ME. If you are going to talk in riddles why do you bother in the first place? What is the thing that is coming up next year? What the fuck is your two-year plan? What is your current situation that lasted 3 years? WTF? You could have told the entire post in one sentence.

    1. I think you nailed it... the site has been slowly sinking for a good year .. year and a half. The content is good, but the discussions have become really juvenile and innane. Its a shame, but ME should be proud, it's informative, interesting and really did a lot to bring sociopathy into the 21 st century. Somehow, he needs a way to direct it towards a more serious bent or risk losing all credibility. Walking away from it would be tempting, i think. Nothing last forever.
      "I started out wanting to save the world, but i no longer think its worth it."~Banksy

  13. Hmm, I have always found myself bored with whatever it was I was doing usually around the two to three year mark; and I can't recall doing anything for more than four years before having to find a new deal. Fortunately the job I have changes about every three years and I can spend many months at a time abroad. This, I believe has helped contribute to the success in the career I chose by accident. I've been at this four almost 20 years now. I'm ready for a REALLY big change now. I've been itching for it for a while; just didn't pay that itch much attention until here recently.

  14. I went on a hiatus but I had some thoughts I wanted to share.
    I notice that some people treat others as objects. Some people see other people as separate, discrete entities.The latter see people as having the full range of humanness i.e. emotions, needs and passions.

    I think this is because they see themselves, in the same way.

    People who say they want to treat others poorly but themselves well, cannot really do this, I don't think.
    The PD is like glasses which are stuck on. They are like porcupine quills. They will prick you, as you prick others.

    I don't think you can escape, in the process.

    1. I see what you mean. Today, someone called me up and told me they were sorry for not being a good listener to me a few hours earlier. I think they were trying to treat me like a person. It was shocking.

  15. Today I was offered a second salon to run. I will take that salon over in August. What this means is more money, less in-salon work. I hope to free up more time to travel, and write. I didn't even have to do anything this time. It was just handed to me because of the reputation I have with the first salon.

    I guess I've finally come to a place in my life where I should learn to stick some things out. This might be very hard for me to do, and I know I will sometimes want to drop everything, and run off to something new. But I'm beginning to see that if I keep expanding on what I already have, the opportunity to do new things, also expands because I'll have more time, and more money to do those things with.

    1. that's great, Eden. Congratulations.

  16. I have been stuck under the cover of a moral code my moth beat into me when i was young, i do not believe that i am in the right position to say wether doing the whole self destruction thing is the right way about it, but i have been in this persona for over 13 years. i daydream of what it would be like to live openly in the world but working in hospitality it would destroy my working enviroment. i am a sociopath living as 'normally' as i can and i belive one day i will loose myself completely and just become this face i put on every day for every1 else. dosen't that sound just awful.

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