Wednesday, July 11, 2012

Famous sociopaths: Julie D'Aubigny

Via this Badass of the Week, I present the historical figure Julie D'Aubigny.  Some selections, but the entire article is pretty entertaining:


Julie D'Aubigny was a 17th-century bisexual French opera singer and fencing master who killed or wounded at least ten men in life-or-death duels, performed nightly shows on the biggest and most highly-respected opera stage in the world, and once took the Holy Orders just so that she could sneak into a convent and bang a nun. If nothing in that sentence at least marginally interests you, I have no idea why you're visiting this website.


One of the most badass human beings ever produced by France was born in 1670 into a life of wealth, privilege, and one-percenter opulence that meant she could have just spent her entire life chilling out Real Housewives style without ever so much as having to shank a single human being in the eye in a hellacious fit of rage, but, as we shall soon see, that sort of malaise really wasn't this chick's bag. 
***

Julie D'Aubigny moved to Marseille and started hooking up with a badass fencing master who just so happened to be on the run for murder after he stabbed some dude to death in an alley outside Paris. The homicidal fugitive swordsman trained D'Aubigny in the finer arts of fencing for a while, but as soon as she realized the student was now the master she ditched his broke ass and started giving sword exhibitions across Marseille to hone her skills and make a little extra dough. Basically it worked like this – she'd pull out her sword, sing a song or two, and challenge anyone in the audience to battle her in a duel. If someone stepped up, she'd sing a humiliating song about them, then make them look like assholes who couldn't tell the difference between a sword and a limp piece of linguine. Her skills were so lights-out gonzo that one time some jerkwad in the crowd called out that she wasn't really a woman, but was some badass cross-dressing cavalier musketeer motherfucker who was ripping everyone off. She responded by ripping open her blouse and telling the audience to "judge for themselves".


Oddly enough, kicking peoples' asses for money eventually led to a completely unrelated job prospect – a career as the star attraction of the Paris Opera. Apparently, while this chick was singing songs to humiliate her enemies in the dueling circle, some powerful record execs were in the audience, and they were so impressed by her melodious contralto voice that they decided she should be doing better shit than stabbing people in the balls for spare change. In the span of a few months, the woman known in Marseilles only as "La Maupin" (meaning "The Mapuin") went from a completely untrained street performer to the lead actress in the world's most respected Opera, playing roles of badass Classical chicks like Pallas Athena, Medea, and Dido. In addition to her flair for the dramatic and innate musical talent, it also helped that La Maupin had a near-photographic memory and rarely needed to read her lines more than once before committing them to memory.


Of course, her fiery temperament in love and combat meant that she slept with or swordfought with most of the men and women in the opera at various points during her career. Like, one time some jackass doucheface pretty-boy actor was being overly-aggressive while talking to one of Julie's actress friends, so La Maupin told that asshole to take a chill pill and show the lady some respect. He told her to fuck off and mind her own bitch business. Later that night, as he was walking home, he found La Maupin standing in the street, weapon drawn, challenging him to a duel for honor. When the guy refused to pull his sword, she fucking beat his ass with a wooden cane, stole his pocketwatch, and left his dumb ass in an alley. The next day, the dude came to work with a couple black eyes, and when people were like, "WTF is up with your face," he told them he got jumped by three big black dudes armed with hammers and baseball bats. As soon as he said this, La Maupin pulled out the dude's pocketwatch and called him out a lying liar from Douchebagville. Then, to make matters more humiliating, she then forced the dude to kneel and beg forgiveness in front of all his co-workers before he could get his shit back.

La Maupin was also kind of a hardcore bisexual, and some of her tales of badass awesomeness dueling over female lovers and seducing chambermaids read like they were perpetrated by musketeers or pirates or some other ultra-daring swashbuckling male heroes of eighteenth-century literature. Of course, being a woman, Julie D'Aubigny could pull off some feats of romantic badassitude that most men could only dream of. The most notable example of this was the time that she became a nun just so she could hook up with one of the sisters in the convent. The story goes like this: One time the Mademoiselle D'Aubigny got some super-hot lusty blonde to fall in love with her. When the blonde's parents found out their daughter was a lesbo, they had their "ravished" daughter put into a convent, totally unaware that this wasn't going to be nearly enough to deter La Maupin – D'Aubigny took the holy orders, entered the convent as an initiate, created a diversion by setting the fucking convent on fire, and then kidnapped the blonde nun, snuck her out of there, and shacked up with her for like a month. Are you kidding me with this?



I don't know, maybe she had borderline personality disorder?  If the contemporary portraits are any indication of what she looked like, her many conquests might have something more to do with her skill at seduction and confidence than her beauty.

58 comments:

  1. I hate the style of this article! Sounds like such a bull dyke blow hard gamer, cheering the home team. So annoying.

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    Replies
    1. True, it is hard to read.

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    2. She looks like Kany.

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    3. She probably never looked like this. Portraits of this era were terrible ... they were finished off over weeks or months in the painter's studio, and he'd use his own reflection to get the face shape and structure before adding a few touches taken from an actual sitting with the subject. There's a famous British family group portrait where all the children (including infants and 4 and 6 year old girls) all have the same face with the wrong eye colour and an adult nose/chin.

      That said - if she was a sociopath she could have been very plain and still convince people she was beautiful.

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    4. Terribly annoying to read, but she still sounds pretty fun.

      "On another occasion, La Maupin was at a Royal Ball in the palace of King Louis XIV, attending as the guest of Louis' brother, Prince Philippe of France. She showed up to the party dressed as a man in a scarlet tunic and immediately started dancing with all the hot bitches, showing up all the young dudes looking for hot young wives."

      I think she was the inspiration for Marquis de Sade's Agustina de Villeblanche. The combination of status, wealth and charm would have made her nearly irresistible regardless of her looks. Who doesn't love a bad girl?

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    5. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  2. "this is narcissism. when the tiniest voice of disapproval buried under a rock in a remote part of the universe has the power to topple you"

    My mother would get like this. There would be smart people who did not want to be her clients. She would go to bed, in a shame spiral, when this happened.

    I didn't do this. I just blocked out my own emotions and blocked other's reactions to me such that I didn't feel. It was like going around enclosed in a cloud.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bitch, no one cares. Go die in a fire or step on a Lego or some shit. This isn't your therapy group. We will fucking tear you a new one. Maybe you just get off on the attention. You disgust me.

      Delete
    2. Monica please give more details about your mother's nonsense so we can all recognize the poison. I, for one, need to take a look. Because there are people I know who are kinda sorta like her.

      Ok let's go:

      One narcissist girl I know cannot stand it when I sing praises of famous people with her talent. I mean these are people she can never compare herself to because her skill level is nowhere near theirs. Her face turns into a baseball mitt.

      I feel good to put her in her place because she is a big, entitled baby and she annoys the fucking crap out of me, asking to sip from my water bottle when it is my only goddamn water. She only calls when she is desperate for approval and bragging, doing self-aggrandizing. I'm like shut the fuck up. But all I can do is say what the Zoer says: "aaahh" when I Want to say "uggh".

      Another male npd-diagnosed guy has the same blank stare / twisted face when I mention other's talents.

      I was a wondering why I hate to hang with them for 5 minutes. I don't like that I want to hurl. I think it's excessive to want to h u r l from their presence. But I do.

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  3. If the contemporary portraits are any indication of what she looked like, her many conquests might have something more to do with her skill at seduction and confidence than her beauty.

    Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Beauty is in the eye of the beer-holder" FIFY :)

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  4. Theme for the Endless Parade of Posters, on the Forum, who Fell in Love with a Sociopath

    ReplyDelete
  5. who needs feminism with a girl like that?

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  6. "the woman known in Marseilles only as "La Maupin" (meaning "The Mapuin")"

    Am I the only one that found this statement to be absolutely glorious?

    Reading this it totally sounds like a chick with BPD. If I had vast amounts of wealth in 17th century France, this is exactly what I would do. All the time. Taking Holy Orders to bang the woman I love and then move on after a month? Hell yeah.

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    Replies
    1. Don't forget the setting the joint on fire as a diversion. I like to think she stopped to watch the flames for a while and laugh before moving on :)

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    2. Haven
      Why would she not be a sociopath instead of a BPD, in your opinion?

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    3. quit making my mind dirty HAVEN i'm a good boy

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    4. girle with a sword is HOT

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    5. boss told me to put down the knive i looked him in the eye and lickd the blood from the knife (i work in a slaughterhouse)

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    6. Hey girle, take a look at me ...Let me dirty up your mind ...I'll strip away your hard veneer ...his is what he pays me for ...Hide inside your head ...Choking on your smile ... you, you can touch me if you want ...g to, you can touch me if you want ... you, you can touch me if you want ...You can touch me if you want ...You can touch me if you want ...You can touch me ...You can touch me

      Delete
    7. garbage, shirley manson is hot (don't even need a sword)

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    8. Whoever came up with this article must have been fucking drunk...

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  7. "[...] he told them he got jumped by three big black dudes armed with hammers and baseball bats." Baseball bats in 17th century?

    ReplyDelete
  8. is she the kim kardashian
    or the paris hilton
    of here time?
    (or the janet jackson nipplegate)
    of here time?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. i hear kim k gets attacked by a black guy all the time

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  9. Replies
    1. Themes for SW RegularsJuly 11, 2012 at 3:12 PM

      You are very welcome, Green Eyes. I hope it touched you.

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    2. From the videi I would guess that green eyes is in to interacial dating.

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    3. Ha! Yep, I am actually. I like my men with olive or dark skin.

      Delete
  10. Ciara
    If I get motivated, I will put your fucking ugly face on here, as you look just like this picture.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Crikey, Monica. Didn't you just get finished the other day claiming you don't attack people unless they go after you first?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She is going after me. Wake up and smell the expresso, Ell.

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    2. How do you figure that, when the time stamps here and on yesterday"s blog, show your comments first? Wake up and smell your delusion, Monica.

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    3. That dweeb rides my ass. You would make a terrible detective, Ell. Everyone would be dead by the time you figured it out.

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    4. Wouldn't matter if I was on your case, Monica. There's enough crazy in you to keep me going anyway.

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    5. Have a good time.

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    6. Whatever. I have more patience for you than anyone here. I try to tell you about yourself. Try to help you see the things you won't and your mother issues, and yet you think Eden loves you secretly. Jeepers.

      Delete
    7. jeepers the fuckin creepers

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    8. espresso, monica. not "expresso"

      Delete
  12. I think I secretely love Monica, that's why I disrespect her. It's a subconcious thing. You know, like the girl in high school that annoys the crap out of you but secretly wants you to fuck her?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Which was only like, 2 years ago for you. Right babe? :D

      Delete
    2. Haha, I'm still a kid, I get it. :D

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    3. Your baby. ♥

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    4. Lol. I didn't realise it was because we all love Monica! Oh my god, how will we get along now that we know we're all fighting for the same woman?

      Delete
    5. You guys can have her. I'd take 2 Demons, 3 Stavs, and 4 Davids over her, any day of the week.

      Delete
    6. I love Monica. She is good, she is kind, and she is impotant.

      Delete
  13. Replies
    1. It's from "The Help" and Monica's Twin is a strong black woman.

      Delete

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