Wednesday, April 3, 2013

What am I?

From a reader:


Hey going through a sort of crisis: (I'm kind of all over the place in this. I wanted to just write fast without thinking)

I'm 22 and in college and don't know if I'm really emotional or not emotional at all. I'm not really social and usually only have a few close friends. I'm a male, straight, decent looking but have hard time making connections with others. I am extremely self conscious. I analyze everything I do and can read most people like a book. I can tell when people are faking and what they're thinking of most of the time. I can't stand when people get macho for small reasons.

 I don't know if I'm really confident or not confident at all. I'm better at things than most people and i know this but I still rather be myself. There are a bunch of hot girls who want me but I have no clue what to do. Whenever i do hookup with girls, it's usually within minutes of meeting them and usually i don't know their names and they don't know mine. 

I care what people think about me but i want them to think of me in a certain way. I can argue with the best of them but not really sure if I believe in the things i argue. I usually tell the truth about things I do but not about myself; I tend to keep emotions out of things. And again I don't know if it's because I don't have any or good at managing them. I feel like I'm in complete control of myself, to the point I never do anything spontaneous. But most people think I'm this crazy risk taker who never gets nervous. The weird thing is ideas and thoughts scare me more than actually doing things. I usually find when do things I get bored. If I'm on a roller coaster it doesn't phase in the least bit but the thought of having the roller coaster break off and me go flying a million miles per hour into the ground will scare me. I basically can scare myself better than other things can scare me. 

I talk to myself a lot. My mind is basically always going. I don't know if i care about people or just think i do. I don't if i care about people or just think I do. For the past 8 months I've been isolating myself and don't know how to come out of this slump. Nothing excites me anymore. I honestly don't know if anything ever excites me or if i have and just forgotten. I never feel compelled to do anything. I have fallen for girls before. I come off as really charming to a point i know in the back of my head I can't keep it up. But I don't if I actually can and just don't believe in myself enough. I have a really good sense of humor and when I'm feeling good can get people going. I can find humor in anything. I really admire people who make things that look good and flashiness. I know i said I'm self doubting but I'm cocky at the same time. Because when I try I'm usually the best at whatever I do. Most people know this. People poke fun at how lazy I am and my mind don't care attitude but they know not to mess with me because I can do whatever they do twice at good. 

I'm caught up between trying to be a saint or a badass. I really don't want to be either and just live my life but I think in extremes. That's why I can't tell if i'm highly emotional or not emotional. I want to fuck every girl i meet but don't know how to make it happen. I also want to be a walking therapist because I can come up with solutions to almost everyone else's problems but can't solve my own. 

I'm not crazy. i don't see things, don't hear any voices but my own. I basically see things exactly how they are. I find wholes in everyone's logic and way of living. Most people look at me like I'm doing something wrong but I literally keep to myself and don't bother people. Sometimes I can look at a girl for to long. But usually they look back in the same manner i look at them. I just don't know how to approach them. I'm really manly in my actions and usually don't back down from problems but a have a flamboyant energy. Guys hit on me sometimes and I usually don't catch until someone says something. I like nice people I guess.

I have friends say to me that we're the same person. I don't know if i'm really relate-able because i'm really honest or I mimic people without knowing. I kind feel like I don't really change who I am unless I'm around someone I admire or a pretty girl or if i want something, then i try to turn on the charm. I think I just have magnetic personality when I feel confident and people are drawn to it. But it comes and goes. Recently its been gone and I feel miserable. I don't like leaving my room, drinking, smoking, going to class. Everything's a choir at this point. I'm not sure if I'm depressed or just am now noticing my true nature.I really don't like people right now. I feel like all I can see is there worst characteristics. Can't tell if I've always felt like this. In high school I got most unique laugh. Don't know if i been laughing with people because they're funny or at because how stupid they are. The favorite times in my life is when I have friends. 

What do you think? Sociopath? Empath?Something else? Say fuck with everyone else and live for myself?

79 comments:

  1. From drowning Spain: FIRST

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  2. " I want to fuck every girl I meet, I just don't know how to make it happen"..

    That is gold son, you get my vote, whatever you may be!

    Smash the back out of them all brother.

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    1. This place should be renamed: 'TrailerPark World'.

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    2. Smash the back out of them




      hot. smokin'

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  3. For the writer of today's post: I can relate to many things you write about. Long story short, I became obsessed with the idea of being a socio or not at a certain point of my life where everything seemed fake around me, starting by myself. I could relate to ME's writing in many things, the main difference with the typical socio talk or ME's writing was that the socio label made me feel uncanny and uncomfortable, I was frightened to death about the loss of boundaries and identity I was facing. Also that I started wondering and analysing myself to the point of exhaution when I was feeling miserable (for no specific reason, since I had more or less everything you can wish for). I felt that I needed to know my true nature before I started living again, I needed a life of truth even if this meant accepting that I was a socio then dealing with it (not that it's a bad thing, it was just a new definition for myself that would need adjustment and I didn't really know how to start). After months of playing cards with my parents and reading this blog instead of writing my phd or meeting my friends, I decided to seek external help, mostly because the anxiety was eating me up, not because I thought someone could help me find the truth about myself. Then I bumped into the smartest of shrinks (yeah, they exist) and she put a stop to the socio-not socio thinking and started treating me like an anxiety-filled oyster (pills and techniques), then dyagnosed me with Obsessive-Compulsive disorder and overall obsessive personality disorder. Still not sure what's the good label for me, but that last dyagnose and the consequent treatment has me out of the rut and reasonably happy and productive. I'm telling you all this because many of the things you mention relate to my supposed obsessive traits (those my shrink tends to focus on). Let me underline them:
    1.- don't know if I'm really emotional or not at all, I don't know if I'm cocky or self doubting / saint or badass.
    It is impossible for me to define myself. I'm not sure of any of those either. I always think in extreme terms, specially when I'm concerned.
    2.- Not really sure if I believe in the things I argue for.
    The obsessive person's mind apparently produces doubt as other people's produce ideas. It's called "the obsessive doubt". Read about it, you'll identify with it. I disagree with almost everything because I see the big picture, but I can't strongly attach to received ideas, clichés or any ideology (not even to daily opinions on small issues)
    3.- Successful and hard-working combined with extreme lazyness and severe procrastination.
    4.- Everybody's soulmate (while I don't feel that way). Mirroring, mimiking? Good-natured? Who fucking knows?
    5.- I find holes in eveyone's logic blabla (who doesn't when you have half a mind?). This is just intelligence, my friend. It will isolate you and keep you from forming bounds. Not forming bounds due to a lack of trust in your environment doesn't need to be a socio trait (though I'm sure they can relate to that). But who can trust a human being?
    I still don't trust or know myself and I still don't know a thing about the big questions. But low anxiety and doing the things I love, plus turning to the physical world and getting out of my mind has helped me A LOT. Also, your real abilities to connect with people, to get glimpeses of the truth, to get more from life, are really better tested when leading an agreeable, healthy life (I mean out of your room and feeling right). Good luck with that ;)

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    1. why when they say long story short it is NEVER short?

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    2. i feel a lot like you, Miss Sharp.

      But I am trying to see my narcissism, and much of it does not fit.

      Do you feel you are a narcissist?

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    3. Do I sound narcissistic? It has crossed my mind a few times but... can you be a narc and gain people's trust and admiration this easy? I thouht they were all kind of difficult to deal with... People tend to blindly trust me for some reason, they love being around, I make them feel important.

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    4. no, you dont exactly sound narcissistic to me. You sound like me, though, and I thought i was a narcissist.

      can you be a narc and gain people's trust and admiration this easy?

      I think a good narc can fool people for a period of time.

      "People tend to blindly trust me for some reason, they love being around, I make them feel important" I have this quality too.



      3.- Successful and hard-working combined with extreme lazyness and severe procrastination.

      ^I thought this was a product of me being a narcissist, but I also think i am an obsessive thinker.

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    5. ~Do you ever feel like your the smartest in the room but never sure in how to express it.When you do manage to find away it still doesn't seem right.
      ~feel alone after you've picked apart what seems like every mistake in the world and the only way it seemsthat thing will work is after you put everything back in an impossible proper order

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    6. yes to the first part. I wouldn't say smartest in the room, but i would say sometimes i think i have a greater understanding of a bigger picture and yet I cannot express the understanding.

      Not sure i understand the second part.

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    7. Thanks for answering the question anon.Are you intimacy anon all the while? Yes, a good narc can fool for a long time,but not forever. I know this for I have a friend who is truly empty and obsessed with image and in the end this has affected all of her relationships with family,friends and lovers. My relationships are mostly from.childhood and steady,if I am a narc,I must be really good at hiding. That's why I identify more with socios, that seem to me more able to keep things together for such a long time. What could make you a narc in your opinion?I never thought success and procrastination might have anything to do with it. That's classic ocd,check it out.

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    8. no i am the same as you. I have long term friends and keep them close. I did not know i was so obsessive, but one time a therapist asked me if i told the p doc how obsessive my thinking was getting.. Thank you, i will check it out.

      I thought laziness had to do with my narc mom doing my homework and i got spoiled into learned helplessness, and therefore i wanted a saviour to do shit for me. but all i ever really wanted was to learn to do for myself, sio narc does not really fit.

      I have some trouble loving myself and that is why i though narc. Yes, i identify more with a socio here than a narc here. But i am more buried in dissociation and borderline than they are, and i have bipolar disorder.

      THanks for your feedback, miss sharp.

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  4. Or I either don't bother to write, or I do this :)

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    1. nah,I've been watching homeland,I have nothing to do with that fucked up kid.

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  5. Up From The SofaApril 3, 2013 at 5:22 AM

    To My Friend---Intimacy Anon


    I am not allowed to have a thought
    I am not allowed to have a feeling
    I am not allowed to take pride in myself, for anything
    I am the child of a Narcissist


    I am the equivalent of a monster if I want anything for myself
    I am the equivalent of a monster if I need anything for myself
    I am punished if I do. I am punished so I will never have another want or need again
    I am the child of a Narcissist

    I play act all the things I am not
    I must do this, in fact, because it is all that is left of me as a person
    I am an actor
    I become the part, eventually
    When I look inside, I am as empty as the Narcissist to whom I was the child
    I have become a Narcissist

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    1. beau-u-tiful

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    2. That's good can I repost on my PRO SOCIO tweet @DECEPTICONTXS?

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  6. What are you? You sound like a normal 22 year old who is trying to find their place in the world and becoming slightly self-obsessed in the process. It's not all about you. Actually, it's all about me.

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  7. You just sound like a typical 22 year old. Still unsure of who you are, your place in the world, insecure. You are also going through an overly analytical phase. Stop thinking so much. This is all normal. Just an extension of your teenage years. In western culture we grow up so much later than we did generations ago. Inner peace will not come until your late 30s early 40s, in the mean time enjoy your youth, enjoy the ride.

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  8. Up From The SofaApril 3, 2013 at 6:00 AM

    @Anon 5:55

    How did you find inner peace? Details would be appreciated.

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  9. Sofa, you are talking about me here?

    When I look inside, I am as empty as the Narcissist to whom I was the child
    I have become a Narcissist

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    1. Up From The SofaApril 3, 2013 at 6:25 AM

      You inspired me, Intimacy Anon but when you did, I saw myself <3

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    2. i dont believe all of that. I think you talk of me too because i also feel empty a lot. I need to be constantly stimulated.

      What do you think of this here:

      "But, even though children of narcissists don't automatically become narcissists themselves and can survive with enough intact psychically to lead happy and productive lives away from their narcissistic parents, because we all love our parents whether they can love us back or not, children of narcissists are kind of bent -- "You can't get blood out of a stone," but children of narcissists keep trying, as if by bonding with new narcissists we could somehow cure our narcissistic parents by finding the key to their heart. Thus, we've been trained to keep loving people who can't love us back, and we will often tolerate or actively work to maintain connections with narcissistic individuals whom others, lacking our special training, find alienating and repellent from first contact, setting ourselves up to be hurt yet again in the same old way. Once narcissists know that you care for them, they'll suck you dry -- demand all your time, be more work than a newborn babe -- and they'll test your love by outrageous demands and power moves. In their world, love is a weakness and saying "I love you" is asking to be hurt, so be careful: they'll hurt you out of a sort of sacred duty. They can't or won't trust, so they will test your total devotion. If you won't submit to their tyranny, then you will be discarded as "no good," "a waste of time," "you don't really love me or you'd do whatever I ask," "I give up on you." (Note: In many instances, narcissists' demands are not only outrageous but also impossible to fulfill even if you want to please them. Plus if you actually want to do what they want you to do, that would be too much like sharing, so they won't want it anymore.)
      If you've had a narcissist for a parent, you are probably not afraid of dying and going to hell -- you have lived hell on Earth. Narcissists cannot be satisfied and do a tremendous amount of damage to their children and partners in their relentless demand for a perfect outer appearance to reflect the perfect inner image that obsesses them.

      http://www.halcyon.com/jmashmun/npd/howto.html

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      If you and i are narcissist, Sofa, and i dont care if people (like here) seem to be using me, as long as i get what is determined by me to be a nice trade off where i feel what i am gaining is worth more to me than what i am giving (no skin off my back) why is that narcissistic?

      You are perfectly capable of give and take. why does this make you a narcissist?

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    3. I have to go now Monica. Hope to talk later, though.

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    4. You are perfectly capable of give and take. why does this make you a narcissist?


      I am not a Malignant Narc, thank God. I am dealing with one now. It is the same one I talked about several months back. This woman tried to insult me and got beaten down by the head of the organization. She goes and hides out for weeks. She is so super shamed. I hate her, but it is still sad :D

      Anyway, I see that I can take insults and rebukes and still get up and walk again. That level of self is something. It is not what I want, but it is not the worse level of narcissism either

      To put it simply, a person's LACK of self is what makes him a Narc, not his STRENGTH of self. It is a very sad PD. I know people diss Narcs, all the time on here, but it is a PD as much as any other and a huge hardship on the person and will ruin the person's life, if he can't change it. It is super hard to change as we both know.

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    5. Intimacy Anon, I noted "because we all love our parents whether they can love us back or not". Is this a given? Some of us(me, and I assume some others)place our parents in the "people I have met" category. Being raised by a depressive probably caused me not to develop empathy as I didn't get appropriate interpersonal feedback as a small child. The only reason I don't jettison that parent (my mother. My father is already dead) completely is because that would blow my cover. Not everybody knows me as a cold bastard and I like to keep it that way. So no, we don't all love our parents as an automatic response. Just because you have known somebody a long time, even if they did lots of nice things for you, doesn't even mean you have to like them.

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    6. THat's very interesting to me, anon 821
      The father who abandoned me is a depressive. Now he'd like to make it all up by a phone call here and there and constantly crying. I dont yearn for his love anymore. He can tell, and yeah i am cold inside to him too. But I do have pity because I am a depressive like him. How can I not?

      But he always talk about how he missed out on seeing me grow up as if his actions caused himself more damage than his actions caused me. I have dated people who will miss me after the fact. Fuck most of them.

      I get on paths so I end up feeling like the loser. THis makes me part cold and part resigned to FEELING as if the cycle will repeat but it doesn't have to if i choose to love myself. It is a choice.

      THe fact that I dont expect the same loving treatment that others expect makes me a pretty low maintenance person and easy to please. I like it that way. Because men like low maintenance with a bite. They love a cunt, most of them.. I can tell because the second I get cunty they say they want to get to know me better the more they get to know me..

      People are so fucked up, myself included. As far as I am concerned most men are sociopaths or they might as well be. Does that make me callous or realistic or just a jaded hag? I dont give a fuck what it makes me. It is my experience until my experiences change because I will change.. ANd I am changing every day.

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    7. But he always talk about how he missed out on seeing me grow up as if his actions caused himself more damage than his actions caused me.

      crying narcissist?

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    8. Monica 7:29
      Who is the "head of the organization?"

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    9. Monica
      Talk is cheap.......you're such a "con."

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    10. The head of the organization was told so you could get the idea of the power structure. The Mal Narc was dissed by her superior was the point and an important part of the situation.

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    11. You're delusional.....

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    12. And I am so glad I'm not you, monica.

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    13. Hi Intimacy. Anon 821 again. It sounds like the dynamic has shifted between you and your father. When he left you he was a younger man dumping family ties to do his own thing. Now he's ageing. Avenues are closing for him socially, romantically, professionally. He now sees that you are his best chance of not dying alone and is begging for you attention. He can't intimidate you any more so cries for your sympathy. You are the one with the power now. I won't tell you how to use it as revenge might not be your style.
      Are you callous, jaded, or have you just learned to establish and maintain boundaries with people?

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    14. @Intimacy Anon

      Something just hit me and it has been from talking to you. We don't know where the ground is. We have been jerked around so much that the ground is all wavering. If we can find the ground, that will be our center. I don't know if you know what I mean.

      For me, my mother was a Malignant Narc but was very borderline like in that whatever I did, she told me to do the opposite. Then, when I did the opposite, she told me to do the original. It was like this about most everything. Then, when I wanted to have some standards and values for security, she called me rigid.

      So, I feel I can never feel out what is the bottom line of things.

      I will give an example. She would tell me to study hard and go to a good college. When I started hard, she called me a greasy grind. She would tell me to look good, dress well etc. When I did, she called me vain. So, with all these things multiplied, I had no ground that was secure.

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    15. Monica, I think your Mom was what we refer to as a woman.

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    16. "we all love our parents whether they can love us back or not"

      Wtf.

      My mum is a narc, and my dad a covert one... and if that wouldn't be enough, they are both stupid.
      I am looking forward to my revenge, in every conversation i have with them, the only thing that troubles me is.... there is nothing that can be done to a living being, that would repay all the shit. Nontheless, i'll enjoy it.

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    17. Monica, people like you talk about "unconditional love" which is something I have no concept of. Why would you feel obligated to love someone (your parents, etc) just because you born into the same family? Love is earned; it doesn't matter if you're related or not.

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    18. You got a point M Brig. Maybe, that is a healthy way to think of it, healthier than what I do.

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    19. monica
      If your son could speak what would he say about your parenting?

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    20. He can't speak, that should answer your question.

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    21. ^ No, that does is a blanket statement - does not answer question.

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    22. Sure? Think about it, pretty logical.

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    23. Love is earned; it doesn't matter if you're related or not.

      Damned fucking right.

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    24. Hi anon 821/1046

      There is no revenge needed. He is a poor, unhealthy, sad, depressed, failure of a person and he has no delusions otherwise.

      It's very difficult to get angry at such a pitiful creature. He had been crippled by his parents. And he has depression like me.

      I blamed him for my abandonment issues and told him i had empathy problems and he tried to make me feel better by saying that just being on the phone with him screaming but listening to his explanations was empathy. For HIM! He tried to make me feel better by saying that because i was giving him the time of day to tell him off that i had empathy of some wackadoodle kind. He tried to make me feel, AGAIN, that by taking care of his feelings enough to validate him with my ANGER, that i am good. He enjoyed my yelling as he cried. It made him feel like his shitty feelings are about himself are justified.

      Do you see how it is all about him? And do you see how there is no room for anyone else in his brain but himself? He cries to me, not to forgive him, not because he will die alone. No. He cries to me as if I am his maker. It is my fault he is so teary. If he didnt have me to look at and see what he did, he would feel better about himself.

      I am not responsible for his fucking feelings.


      There is no revenge needed. There is no money to gain, no nothing. He has a shit life enough and a daughter who accepts his offerings so lamely, he needs to get off the phone because he can tell i am preoccupied. . He is tormented enough and has been crying for himself like a little girl my entire life. And because I am not taking care of his feelings now , he is suffering even more.

      My other sibling can pay him attention because she is a narcissist and she likes to show off her child to grandpa.

      .

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    25. Thank you Monica. It sounds like we had similar mothers. Yes, touching the ground would be nice. We got flung around by a shitflingers.

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    26. Are you callous, jaded, or have you just learned to establish and maintain boundaries with people?

      Depends on the day on the callous and jaded.

      Boundaries.. yes I'm getting better and stronger about telling what is and is not acceptable for me.

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    27. that was very dramatic there @ 1137 4th paragraph

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  10. the reader sounds pretty textbook to me.

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    1. text book what? that they're dissociated, all over the place and don't have a handle on who they are?

      this makes them a sociopath?

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    2. borderline?

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    3. borderline is a great cover lets you get way with a lot of stuff

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    4. Monica 7:29
      Who is "the head of the organization?"

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    5. 856

      It would, sure.

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  11. In Memory of Rich

    Classic Theme for Rich The Uber Empath

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  12. You sound a bit aspergers to me ; but your unique laugh got my attention.

    You not knong if you care about people or not ; AS have a of lack of empathy in general to other people; your mind is always going ( aspie) , et. etc. Don't sound sociopath to me

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  13. Excellent post. I definitely appreciate this site.

    Thanks!

    my blog post; elektronisk cigaret

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  14. Question: Has any sociopath here ever had one of their victims/targets do something to get back at you for what you did to them?

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    1. Yeah. And i know i broke one of Machiavelli's most important rules with it.

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    2. What do you mean? What happened?

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    3. I live in Dallas, Tx im not crazy im ultra observant but theres a witchhunt out for me a group of people , religious after me, they follow me, they hack me, phone, networks work. They attempt to expose me, prevent me from achieving my goals like if its personal, but i dont give a fuck about them or their stupid lets stop his wicked ways campaign. They make it hard for me to get employment, and caused me to get fired from my profession because they managed to follow me to work and when I threatened to use violence they played the victims like if I just picked on them out of nowhere, I felt threatened first. They feel if I get in a good position once again to finance myself I will use it for evil or revenge now that I exposed them for not minding their business. I NEED A SOCIO NETWORK, THEY BLOCK ME FROM SUCCESS, BUT I JUST WANT MY LIFE BACK. THEY RUINED MY MARRIAGE, MY JOB, MY FAMILY LIFE!!! Help I AM A HIGH FUNCTIONING SOCIOPATH. I HAVE ALL THE PROOF I NEED TO EXPOSE THEM. I FEEL PERSECUTED FOR WHAT I AM. IM NOT A MONSTER.

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  15. What am I?

    You are what you are.

    Yep, that is a total non-answer, but it's an honest one. You should remember that the self is more like a creation than it is a discovery. I think that's true even for neurotypicals. They just aren't aware of it because most of their self creating happens unconsciously.

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  16. Can you please explain more, Daniel? Thanks!

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  17. ^^^DANGER! WALL OF TEXT APPROACHING!

    I take the self as it is popularly understood to be a complex narrative that the brain constantly generates. This narrative organizes our behavioral “outputs” into a kind of conceptual, coherent whole. This narrative isn’t found the way paleontologists unearth dinosaur bones. It’s created, the way an author of historical fiction writes a novel.

    Although the events used to construct the narrative are found in the various memories and traits of the organism, they can be combined into any number of different arrangements, which in turn can lead to different behaviors. There isn’t an “essence” in there, shining forth through the brain. On the contrary, the brain has to start a new every day telling itself the same story of who you are.

    For most people, this process of identity formation happens unconsciously. They identify (which literally means same as) with beliefs, roles and norms provided by their society. This sense of self is validated via the network of social groups this person finds herself nested within. It’s still a creation though. For a minority of us however, this identity formation process doesn’t work like it does for the majority. There are no social groups to reflect our identity back to us. For whatever reason, we never quite identify with any of the socially sanctioned narratives. As a result, we are in the position of having to consciously construct our narrative, our sense of self.

    If you have to ask who you are once you’re past a certain age, then it’s obvious that society’s identity narratives don’t work for you. Because a coherent story seems to be psychologically necessary for optimal functioning for most people, however, you must consciously create a narrative for yourself. In other words, don’t go looking for yourself. Create yourself.

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    1. i wrote this post and that's by far the simplest and best advice I've heard.

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  18. Thank you Daniel. Bless you.

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  19. Thank you Daniel. You are very generous.

    Do you know this quote?

    "Nothing is impossible, the word itself says "I'm possible!"

    -Audrey Hepburn

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  20. Hey! What happened to Rich? I haven't been on the site for some time.

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  21. He passed away from a drug overdose.

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  22. they killed him because he was nice.

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  23. This completely describes me as well...

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  24. Wow, this is pretty close to describing me...

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  25. Without the peppered-in contradictory sociopath characteristics that don't seem to exist in any significance outside of your head, your essay makes sense. You're cocky, you can't leave your room. You have a magnetic personality, you're completely isolated and you usually only have a few friends. You can read people like a book, you can't figure out how to pick up girls who want your dick. But you're really manly in your actions, you don't back down from problems and you have a flamboyant energy. But you haven't left your room in 8 months. Basically, just remove every positive perceptive you sometimes have of yourself, and you'll find out what you are.

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  26. I dont know who you are but you read my mind and I am living an identical life phase right now, I feel nothing, blank, not happy, not depressed, I just wake up see the sun and watch people like if their ants in a farm. Is there a sociopath network? I feel like I need to be around my own kind. Like an alien. Smh

    ReplyDelete

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