Monday, April 29, 2013

Love and happiness

A reader asks: "I have a few burning questions I would love to ask; such as how you get on with your friends? Are you unhappy like I've read most sociopaths are?"
I get on well with my friends, for the most part. Depending on who they are and what they mean to me, they get to see various versions of me, and my natural ability to adapt and flexible personality means that I can tailor make myself to the type of friend that they need most -- exciting and adventurous, sensitive and supportive, talkative, good listener, whatever. So it is kind of a trade off. I do think it sort of disturbs them that I do it, those that notice at least, but the thing that is most disturbing to people seems to be the amount of effort I put into it. they think that i must be up to something no good because I am shape-shifting so well for them. But I tell them it's no problem, I have to pick something to be anyway, it might as well be something they like.

I'm not unhappy, for the most part, although I do think there is a certain emptiness and meaningless that I feel, sort of like a homesickness. People feel homesick when they are not surrounded by familiar things, when they are being seen out of context, when things change too quickly. They are faced with the transitory and delicate nature of life (i.e. their mortality), and with the fact that their secure little existence is basically a lie constructed to soothe their uneasiness about facing the world head on, with all of its unknowns. People don't like looking into the abyss, and for good reason. But a sociopath life means always being aware of the abyss. The film Lost in Translation is a good example of how it feels -- like living in a country that is not yours and never quite getting used to it.

183 comments:

  1. i'm not unhappy, for the most part, although i do think there is a certain emptiness and meaningless that i feel, sort of like a homesickness. people feel homesick when they are not surrounded by familiar things, when they are being seen out of context, when things change too quickly… the film lost in translation is a good example of how it feels -- like living in a country that is not yours and never quite getting used to it.

    So then ME is basically saying that happiness is like visiting a different place, one where the so called standard home sweet home of emptiness felt by us socios in the emotional gray area is changed to an unfamiliar ground.

    Well that’s bullshit, at least for me. Happiness is more familiar then foreign, since I’m more or less, inclined to be self serving when preserving some kind of state of well being.

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  2. 'people don't like looking into the abyss, and for good reason, but a sociopath life means always being aware of the abyss.'...

    Id say thats exactly how I feel most of the time. like im looking out a window at all the people in the "play" we call life but I just dont understand their lines... :(

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  3. Awww Ishtar! You burned him/her! BURNEDDDDDDDDD! Man, you are one badass. Thanks for your two cents on everything, someone needs to moderate all these wannabes, right?

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  4. If that were the case, then M.E. wouldn't be allowed to post here himself, nor would you, dear groupie. Or, is self-diagnosis enough these days?

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    Replies
    1. Another vote for wannabe.

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    2. Is M.E. a man? she sounds so female.

      Delete
  5. I dont think M.E is a wannabe...however I cant say the same for the others who post their rude little comments. Just because your a S doesnt mean its a prerequisite that you be a rude asshole to ppl who post their point of view. Honestly, Ishtar you strike me as more of a narcisisst.

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  6. Great post M.E., very interesting insight.

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  7. I have been following this blog for a few weeks now and find it quite fascinating. Is it a requirement that I be a sociopath to comment?

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  8. This was interesting insight I guess. I kind of feel bad for sociopaths in a way that they cant experience what we call "love" and this constant "shape shifting" they have to do just in order to survive.

    I can see how friends might be very annoyed with that, I know I would. The main characteristic I look for in close friends is honesty and "being real." I like people who are open and honest with everyone and always true to themselves. A sociopath cannot be this way or embody these qualities it seems, no ? They seem to be empty shells who have to constantly put on a show or performance to make up for that emptiness or emotional void that separates them from the rest of us.

    I would like to know if any sociopaths here actually have a sense of "self." Like an actual personality and state of being that isnt the result of putting on a show just to get what you want or manipulate people. I posted a few months ago and this guy said that he didnt live out his life viciously to hurt anyone intentionally but that he felt nothing when he was alone at home, like an absence of personality or emotional range when he wasn't acting in pursuit of something. Is this how a lot of sociopaths feel? Like your only personality or purpose is in acting out characters ? I'm really curious. That seems like a horrible way to live. Again, this is just coming from my perspective. I'm sure many sociopaths don't really care.

    Oh and psychopath vs. sociopath? Whats the main difference?

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    Replies
    1. You think sociopaths can't be honest? Honesty is easy, and I'm the most hurtful when I'm completely honest. I will unflinchingly crush you into a ball of tears from behind a cold, impassive face, the only one I wear that is not a mask.

      Sociopaths don't lie to themselves, they lie for themselves to achieve their goals. The show we put on is mutually beneficial. You won't hear what we truly think of you, and we are loved rather than hated.

      I can speak for myself, but nobody else. I am fiercely curious and competitive. Anything that is new is interesting, and you will love me because when we meet I will search out the depths of your soul, staring deep into your eyes to forge an intimate connection. I will listen to you and charm you by being exactly what you want. You won't catch on to my subtle game, and you won't realize my nature until I sever our connection. You love me and I find you interesting, and so long as that is true we'll get along fine. When you're no longer interesting to me, well, that brings us back to honesty.

      Delete
    2. @Cordie : Even if the last part of the 5:12AM answerer seem a bit narcissic, his answer is also correct for my case :

      - We have a sense of self, we just keep it for ourself most of the time.
      - I can be honest easily, but it would the comforting lie people built to reassure themself, which would break most of them.
      - I also adapt to the person I speak to, but even if you seek friends who "are real" and honest, you couldn't tell a sociopath isn't. At least not until he gets bored and either leave or stops pretending.

      As for the sociopath vs psychopath, the first is mainly caused by environemental factors, the other by genetic factors. The sociopath can be more socially adapted than the psychopath, and may be less likely to get caught in crimes. Otherwise they're pretty much the same.

      Delete
    3. Anon 5:12, great comment. That's how a spath is, you are not a wannabe.

      Delete
    4. Im interested in Anon 5:12, place a nick....
      Jessi

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    5. Great posts ! Thanks......

      Delete
  9. I dont think M.E is a wannabe...however I cant say the same for the others who post their rude little comments. Just because your a S doesnt mean its a prerequisite that you be a rude asshole to ppl who post their point of view. Honestly, Ishtar you strike me as more of a narcisisst.

    It's not my fault that you see an honest opinion as rude. You'd be amazed at how many "assholes" there really are once people stop tip-toeing around what they truly thought about you, PandorasBox.

    I'm actually very interested in reading why you think I'm a narcissist. I welcome your thoughts with open arms :)

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  10. lol, Ishtar. no disrespect meant, but the following comes off just a bit narcissistic:

    It's not my fault that you see an honest opinion as rude.

    I'm actually very interested in reading why you think I'm a narcissist.

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  11. Typically, when you make a claim, you ought to support it. I'm giving PandorasBox a chance to do just that, otherwise, her comment is as flippant as the ones I regularly make on this blog.

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  12. i'm not unhappy, for the most part, although i do think there is a certain emptiness and meaningless that i feel, sort of like a homesickness.

    people don't like looking into the abyss, and for good reason, but a sociopath life means always being aware of the abyss. the film lost in translation is a good example of how it feels -- like living in a country that is not yours and never quite getting used to it.

    homesickness is a great description of it.

    i don't mind the abyss. at the end of the day it helps me "detox".

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  13. Ishtar said...

    Typically, when you make a claim, you ought to support it. I'm giving PandorasBox a chance to do just that, otherwise, her comment is as flippant as the ones I regularly make on this blog.


    ok.

    but self-diagnosis seems like a legitimate way to assess it (like with stress tests).

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  14. I suppose, but obviously there are certain people who are confused enough to want their self-diagnosis to be that of a psychopath when in reality they might instead be more appropriately distinguished as schizoid, dissociative, etc.

    There seems to be the impression that there's something more appealingly dangerous about having the title of "psychopath" or "sociopath" rather than schizoid/dissociative when all three are very much within the same spectrum.

    M.E. isn't really helping with this misconception with posts featuring Marylin Manson and the rants of angry adolescents who probably have some unhealthy obsession with literary atrocities such as the Catcher in the Rye.

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  15. but searching for identity or questioning it is better than not searching, even if you are confused. isn't it? and they're all on the same spectrum. so in the ballpark kind of. it's a starting point to understanding and coming to terms with the differences. i mean who the hell would willingly embrace schizoid? to start with anyway

    i liked catcher in the rye. but i get your point. are you trying to scare off the angry adolescents, Ishtar?

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  16. Ishtar:
    Im not worried about people tiptoeing around what they think of me. I dont give a flying fuck what anyone thinks of me. The only persons opionion of me that matters of me is my own.
    And Marilyn Manson...why should me not post Marilyn? I dont think Mason is necessarily a socio however,Did you actually listen to the lyrics on that vid? I would say that was a classic sociopath expressing his veiws to the empaths of the world.

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  17. What's this abyss bullshit?

    There is no abyss unless you're an idiot.

    You don't get what you want by allowing the truth to affect your emotions. If someone rapes you, be happy, or be some other emotion that will lead you to be happy. It won't change what happened, but neither will being a miserable bitch living on the edge of "the abyss." Hold on to the truth, but break its hold on your emotions.

    Abyss... such melodramatic shit.

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    Replies
    1. ME is a wannabe, but you are a real one. Pls enlight me
      Jessi

      Delete
  18. I think I'll continue to read m.e's blog, but not bother reading the comments anymore..no one really has anything better to do on the comments section than critisize other peoples view point and use it as a personal attack on other posters. Thats kind of lame. Its meant to be a place people share their viewpoint, not use it to bully others. And bully's suck.

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  19. I don't think people should allow their emotions to get the best of them. We're ultimately in control of what we feel, and we don't have to deny the truth in order to change how it affects us. There's no point in getting upset about a harsh reality when you can simultaneously be happy and increase your chances of a positive outcome next time without ever denying what you know to be true.

    What's the functional difference between that and what I just said above?

    Your reaction is a perfect example of what idiots do when faced with negative situations. They get butt-hurt and sabotage themselves. You say this is a place to share? Well, I shared. You just couldn't see it because you're too much of a sensitive sissy to see anything but words like "idiot" and "bitch."

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    Replies
    1. Im your fan, place a nick!
      Jessi

      Delete
  20. Anonimal said, “What's this abyss bullshit?”

    It’s called existential honesty anonymous. Give it a go. It may kill you.

    I agreed with the rest of what you said though, oddly enough.

    Btw, nice post M.E.

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  21. Anon @ 7:50AM, you just saved me a lot of trouble.

    are you trying to scare off the angry adolescents, Ishtar?

    No, I get bored and irritated once in a while. Nothing personal.

    And, as much as I might criticize Narcissists, we're really sometimes quite similar, only, they tend to offend more easily than I do.

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  22. I disagree with you, Daniel.

    Existential honesty would involve realizing that the "abyss" is his own creation--the result of a futile search for a source of meaning outside of himself. There isn't and shouldn't be such a source. It's preposterous to think otherwise, and without the supposition that such a thing is necessary or should somehow be expected, the entire concept of the "abyss," along with all of its emotional connotations, falls apart completely.

    So again I ask, what's this abyss bullshit?

    It's a delusion--an escape. Ultimately, life holds whatever meaning we create. M.E. has created an abyss for himself, mistakenly presuming it to be an absolute when no such thing exists. Allowing it to have such a large impact on his psyche will rob him of the strength and fulfillment he could be harvesting by creating and accepting his own meaning. He may decide that something isn't so bad, or so good, but ultimately his belief in his personal "abyss" will prevent him from reaping any substantial benefits--emotionally, financially, or otherwise.

    Belief that anything he decides is good is good and anything he decides is meaningful is meaningful, without needing, presuming, or expecting any kind of universal verdict, would provide him with the passion and intensity necessary to succeed in any endeavor. He'd be happier and more satisfied, too.

    The abyss is either a toxic construct of his own mind, or it's a lie to make himself appear more human.

    Either way, it's definitely not existential honesty.

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    Replies
    1. Or maybe ME is a wannabe, no?
      Jessi

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    2. Fuck! Could you be more annoying, Jessi?
      You claim you come here to learn about sociopaths. Then you start labeling people as either wannabes or those worthy of your attention almost immediately.

      Your arrogance and idiocy are simply mindboggling. It's no wonder that man, or any man for that matter, wouldn't want you for anything other than a cheap fuck, unless they were really desperate that is. You are unbearable.

      Delete
    3. You are free to stop reading my comments if they bore you. I still want what I want and in the process I have to discard the wannabes.
      Jessi

      Delete
    4. abyss makes sense as soon as there is an relationship. to myself, to others, to god, to the universe. if i am related to anything i can feel the abyss of disconnection. if i am not related to anything there is no abyss. but how can i be not related to anything?

      Delete
  23. it's about awareness, what's left when you're not feeling or thinking, the part of you that exists and observes but that can't be expressed. it's not possible to reconcile it with the world or reconcile the world with it. each is meaningless to the other.

    a part of you is forever on the other side of a one way glass watching the world, unseen by it. it doesn't see itself in what it observes and can't know itself.. because it can't see itself, only the world. you can shift focus away from "it", but it's aways there, and carrying that around can feel dark. like an abyss.

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    Replies
    1. To call it abyss would be the term an empath would use. The spath would be comfortable with "it", having "it" no special emotion nor even a concept attached to it.
      Jessi

      Delete
  24. And, as much as I might criticize Narcissists, we're really sometimes quite similar, only, they tend to offend more easily than I do.

    narcissists usually stand out. they don't bend to others or adapt well. big difference.

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  25. it seems to me zoe that what you are describing is something you believe to be an absolute truth for all... if im wrong apologies

    but can't you only be aware of your own truth and the truth as seen through your own eyes?

    perhaps what is being described is umepathetic, conscienceless awareness? maybe not .. i think you said you had some of these but discarded them, i suppose a choice you made

    so, as you have discarded them, they appear as delusions for if they were real they wouldn't have been discardable, but i'm not sure that is necessarily true

    if all life and perception is really a choice, if we wish it to be i suppose, then there are no delusions or everything is a delusion... life is what you make it, however, all beliefs act within a perfect system reflecting those beliefs... this can lead one to believe, from the deluded to the trillasecondly aware, that they know absolute truth, when what they may really know is a truth based on a set of beliefs

    if that makes any sense

    now perhaps some may be very hard coded for a set of beliefs and that is that

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  26. Zoe, your ignorance astounds me. Sorry to say but NPD and psychopathy are within the same spectrum of "disorders." A person can have NPD with psychopathic tendencies or be mostly psychopathic with narcissistic tendencies.

    But, please, educate us all about what a real psychopath or narcissist is like. Your expertise is surely invaluable.

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  27. Zoey has it right Amominous. You have to put aside your ideas and directly observe your subjective experience. Don’t label it. Observe it. It takes a quiet mind though. An empty cup, so to speak. Meditate or read up on Dzogchen or Zen Buddhism to get a flavor of what I’m talking about. That is, if you are interested in curing your ignorance. I do understand if you’re not though. After all, they don’t call ignorance bliss for nothing.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, no, you are also a wannabe? :/ Anon! Help!
      Jessi

      Delete
  28. 'a part of you is forever on the other side of a one way glass watching the world, unseen by it. it doesn't see itself in what it observes and can't know itself.. because it can't see itself, only the world. you can shift focus away from "it", but it's aways there, and carrying that around can feel dark. like an abyss'

    Id say thats pretty much a perfect description of how it feels, for me anyway.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Ishtar said...
    Zoe, your ignorance astounds me. Sorry to say but NPD and psychopathy are within the same spectrum of "disorders." A person can have NPD with psychopathic tendencies or be mostly psychopathic with narcissistic tendencies.

    But, please, educate us all about what a real psychopath or narcissist is like. Your expertise is surely invaluable.



    okay i can add a caveat:
    "any thoughts or opinions hereby expressed are based solely on Zoe's own personal interpretations of narcissism as she does not much care for the DSM or its."

    but why do you care, Ishtar? why do you attempt to engage me emotionally instead of challenging my logic? are you offended?

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  30. New twist on season 5 of Dexter. With Rita gone, Dexter looks to find companionship. Luckily he meets M.E., Zoe, Daniel, and DogBox, all of whom have dark passengers of their own. Joined by their intimate and unavoidable relationship with "it," and their hatred of bullies, the gang uses their superpowers to rid the world of evildoers. But who is really pulling the strings? Find out in September.

    ReplyDelete
  31. but why do you care, Ishtar? why do you attempt to engage me emotionally instead of challenging my logic? are you offended?

    What logic is there to challenge? You made an unfounded premise, I simply pointed it out.

    For someone who openly scoffs at the DSM, you seem unusually adamant about a fine distinction between personality "disorders." Why is that? Isn't the DSM all about categorizing things into neat little boxes, similar to what you are doing?

    Inconsistencies usually aren't very logical, are they?

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  32. PandoraBox said..

    Id say thats pretty much a perfect description of how it feels, for me anyway.


    i used to think the feeling would go away one day, but it has its benefits

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  33. aspie said..
    it seems to me zoe that what you are describing is something you believe to be an absolute truth for all... if im wrong apologies


    not a belief, but an experience.. hard to put into words. the shifts in awareness can be a bit like the high you get from a smoking a joint. i don't believe in an absolute truth.

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  34. For someone who openly scoffs at the DSM, you seem unusually adamant about a fine distinction between personality "disorders." Why is that? Isn't the DSM all about categorizing things into neat little boxes, similar to what you are doing?

    ok so then narcissists don't usually stand out and can be chameleons just like sociopaths. i don't really care. but why even have a distinction in that case? what then is the difference between the two?

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  35. You tell me. You're the one who's contradicting yourself.

    If you really didn't care, then why did you respond in the first place? We'll rule trolling out since that's far beneath an empath, according to PandorasBox.

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  36. so ritas gone? that's good

    ReplyDelete
  37. maybe an experience that is in the context and part of a system of beliefs

    i guess the interpretation of the experience

    this "abyss" i think is often described as something that just is by many... the thing that observes the thing that breaths.. with no value/judgement placed on it

    so, is the existence of this felt to prove or make clear that conscience and other things are delusions because it appears to not include it? perhaps it is the whole that is important or where truth lies and looking at a part that i think cannot exist without the whole is shortsighted... or maybe not, maybe that is just the way it is for some

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  38. Zoe is just trying to rationalize her depression. Don't think too much into it, Aspie.

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  39. Lol @Peter Pan's Season 5 idea. That would be a charming little story line. And yes Aspie, Rita is gone. Thank Fuck! Her whiny ass drove me nuts. I kept thinking why doesnt he just kill her? How can his dark passenger put up with this weak little ditz.

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  40. Have you ever spent all your waking hours, whether in school, walkng around or with friends, thinking about death? Sometimes I can't help it.

    I know a few sociopaths, or close-to sociopaths. I sometimes wonder if they think I'm too normal for them. I just want the insight.

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  41. How can his dark passenger put up with this weak little ditz.

    This coming from the person who doesn't want to be criticized over the internet by strangers.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Istar-
    I have no problem by being criticized, when its valid. You however are random & pointless & cant accept other peoples point of view. Loser :)

    ReplyDelete
  43. in example:
    But, please, educate us all about what a real psychopath or narcissist is like. Your expertise is surely invaluable.:

    And you think you are an expert? you in your narcissism feel the need to invalidate her comments with remarks like "Your expertise is surely invaluable.". You are one of those little pathetic, people on the internet who feel the need to prove their intellectual prowess on an anon blog site as they are completely ineffectual in the realworld. For example, you chose to take a jibe at me after I failed to be baited by your early remark. Really, get a life.

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  44. For example, you chose to take a jibe at me after I failed to be baited by your early remark.

    It worked, didn't it?

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  45. Story telling time.

    A long, long time ago, an old master carpenter ran a successful workshop. He knew quite a few other carpenters, and for the most part, he liked them all. Some were excellent craftsmen, and some were just terrible. One of them in particular, however, was terrible but acted like a master. The master craftsman hated this pompous idiot, and he started posting signs detailing his mistakes whenever the novice braggart would open his arrogant little mouth as if he were preaching the gospel. Now, the pompous idiot novice didn't know who was behind it all, and when he read the signs, he was furious! He immediately replied by posting his own signs, accusing the master of being a jealous, pathetic fool, who made fun of others because he couldn't hack it in the real world.

    The end.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Well, i certainly hope Im not the pathetic fool because:
    1. Ishtar is certainly no master at anything but trying to put others down, & im not referring to myself,Ive read his posts.
    2. My posts arent pompous. I know Im not an expert on everything (in fact Im likely not "expert" on anything but being me) and would never claim to be
    Even if it is directed at me, I like your story, anon :)

    ReplyDelete
  47. You've got me all wrong PandorasBox, I don't put others down, I put them where they belong. "Big difference"-Zoe

    By "his posts" you mean "her posts," thank you very much.

    ReplyDelete
  48. "If you really didn't care, then why did you respond in the first place? We'll rule trolling out since that's far beneath an empath, according to PandorasBox."

    where do you see me commenting on trolling? Im not sure I even knew what 'trolling' was until I just googled it as I dont spend my life on internet blogs & am unfarmilliar witht the terminology.

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  49. What's your point?

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  50. "You've got me all wrong PandorasBox, I don't put others down, I put them where they belong. "Big difference"-Zoe"

    Really? And what exactly is my place since you think you know everything?

    ReplyDelete
  51. We'll rule trolling out since that's far beneath an empath, according to PandorasBox."

    My point? my point is there is NO ACCORDING to me, I didnt make a remark on trolling. Go back and find the remark. Qualify it.

    ReplyDelete
  52. You obviously still don't know what trolling is then. Try again.

    ReplyDelete
  53. 'We'll rule trolling out since that's far beneath an empath, according to PandorasBox."

    Still, I didnt make that remark. Prove it, where did I make the remark Qualify your statement or dont make it. Didnt you say...

    "Typically, when you make a claim, you ought to support it."

    ReplyDelete
  54. Not before you define a "troll" for me.

    ReplyDelete
  55. "a troll is someone who posts inflammatory, extraneous, or off-topic messages in an online community, such as an online discussion forum, chat room or blog, with the primary intent of provoking other users into an emotional response[1] or of otherwise disrupting normal on-topic discussion" as per wikipedia...now where did I 'supposedly" say:
    'We'll rule trolling out since that's far beneath an empath, according to PandorasBox." ...exactly. Nowhere. Thats what I thought. Your statement was INCORRECT. How do you feel about that. you were INCORRECT.

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  56. this is really becoming much too tedious for my liking.

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  57. You are hilarious PandorasBox, please stick around, for me? I'll give you candy.

    ReplyDelete
  58. only if its Sour:) i enjoy my sour candy.

    ReplyDelete
  59. Awesome. Now give me your address, and I'll send it to you.

    ReplyDelete
  60. Only after you give me yours and a phone number :)

    ReplyDelete
  61. I've been reading these blogs and posts for a while now and I find them interesting. But I also read them to see who said what next...lol! I like Isthar. He is always on target. But you, Isthar, can be too abrasive with your comments. But I guess that's who you are. You commented on a few of my posts and even though you hurt my feelings your were right. I'll take what I need and leave the rest. So for that thank you.

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  62. sorry if i spelled names wrong

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  63. Ishtar said...
    You tell me. You're the one who's contradicting yourself.

    If you really didn't care, then why did you respond in the first place?


    just to see your reaction.

    ReplyDelete
  64. so, is the existence of this felt to prove or make clear that conscience and other things are delusions because it appears to not include it? perhaps it is the whole that is important or where truth lies and looking at a part that i think cannot exist without the whole is shortsighted... or maybe not, maybe that is just the way it is for some

    the inuit have many words for snow, but the English language has only one. if everyone was good and had always only good intentions we wouldn't have such a concept as conscience because no one would report experiencing it.

    in cultures where drinking alcohol is not permitted, you might feel guilty if you did so and experience a twinge of conscience. so it's kind of like this measure of the ability of a person to adjust to society and its rules, but at the expense of their ability to think and act freely.

    i think it's real only in our minds. either a hot sunny day or nice memories can make me feel happy, but only memories can make me feel guilt.

    ReplyDelete
  65. Anonymous said...
    Zoe is just trying to rationalize her depression. Don't think too much into it, Aspie.


    lol

    i was trying to describe an experience. the difference between i) knowing you're alive because you've felt pleasure and pain, and ii) being aware of the pleasure or pain, and iii) being aware that you're aware of what you know.

    the first one requires thoughts, the second one only the senses. i was trying to describe the third one, which seems (to me anyway) beyond words and senses.

    but maybe there is a special kind of depression that comes only with certain levels of awareness (now i'm rationalizing)?

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  66. The third one is the ultimate point of meditation which is getting in touch with the observer which is that which observes the process of observing the observed.

    ReplyDelete
  67. Personally I maintain very fruitful relationships with friends so long as I am getting something from them, emotionally. I rarely have anything to do with someone that has nothing to offer me. Typically the people I am friends with are people I find attractive and want to have sex with. This does not mean I act on the impulse, but I like knowing they are available should I choose to act on it. They also need to be socially desirable to other people (i.e. popular, well-liked) so that their association with me will make me seem desirable by association. I would not make friends with a "loser" (for lack of a better word) or someone that no one else wanted anything to do with. I need to know the people I associate with have some sort of worth attached to them that will make my attachment to them seem like an accomplishment. But I tend to go for eccentric people. Normal people bore me to tears. College students, hard workers, family people...bleh. I find people with "problems" to be more intriguing, such as alcoholics or people with problems. They keep me on my toes, so to speak, because I can't stand to be bored. I admit to lying to someone about where I am or even ignoring them unless it suits me at the time. I have friends I will ignore all the time until suddenly it's Friday night and I have nowhere else to go. But truth is there is no one I'm friends with that I don't want something from: either sex, the idea of knowing I can have sex with them, or social acceptance.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What a testament to the way I behave- it's so scary & on point.

      Delete
    2. I have previously worked for a sociopath for several years with no problem as long as she was able to receive the credit for my efforts. However, when others started recognizing my contributions and I began getting more attention, I became her "target", the predatory stare was captivating and chilling at the same time. She had illicit affairs although she has a lovely family. She can throw someone under the bus without batting an eye and smiling that warm, caring smile in the process. She could call up crocodile tears in an instant if she could benefit from the sympathy of others. I had read everything I could on sociopathic behavior and how to handle it (The Sociopath Next Door, In Sheep's Clothing, The Wisdom of Sociopaths)and am fascinated by the characteristics. Luckily we have both moved to different departments within the organization. But the scary thing is this......now I know of about 6 sociopaths, some in religious organizations where they can certainly prey on the vulnerabilities of their "flock".

      Delete
    3. Sometimes I would like to be religious to tell you with confidence that you will all burn in hell.
      Jessi

      Delete
    4. That's the funniest thing I've read all day.
      You are a very special person, Jessi. Very special indeed ;)

      You get rejected and pine after one man, who was probably not even a sociopath. You don't learn a lesson, but use that experience to join the "sociopaths are all soulless monsters/ deserve to go to hell" brigade. Good for you!

      Delete
    5. He is a sociopath and I want to learn more about him. I will test what I learn here in him. But apparently the rejected pine story to a normal guy is the most succesful one here. ;)
      Jessi

      Delete
    6. Are you my anon?
      Jessi

      Delete
    7. Unless you are bitter, bipolar, and/or royal vampire slayer, I doubt it. I skimmed over most of your posts. Low attention span, so read just enough to get the gist.

      If he's a sociopath and you obviously have something against that, why not count your blessings and let go? Why play games?
      Learn your lesson and don't chase after the bad boys next time. You will not find your fairy tale ending with them.

      Delete
    8. What's the point of a platonic relationship anyway without benefits like casual sex and status? Is anyone friends with anyone for the sake of enjoying each other's abstinent company in a private place where there are no witnesses? Yeah, friends will watch shows together like that, but who's gonna say "OMG I TOTALLY RELATE TO "THE DOCTOR" if there's no one to impress the egocentric information upon? We need to be validated somehow.

      Delete
    9. Yes, that is exactly how friendship works. Normal people actually do enjoy each other's company in a private place with no witnesses and without sex or status being involved.

      Delete
    10. I agree with Anon 6:57.

      To Anon 3:27, why would I let go someone who interest me? I am not searching for any fairly tale with him. I am not searching sex with him. (Sorry for repeating myself to the ones who read my posts)
      Jessi

      Delete
  68. The third one is the ultimate point of meditation which is getting in touch with the observer which is that which observes the process of observing the observed.

    have you experienced it, aspie?

    i should just have written "being aware that you're aware" rather than "being aware that you're aware of what you know". it's more correct i think.

    ReplyDelete
  69. i like the carpenter story, anonymous.

    ReplyDelete
  70. But you, Isthar, can be too abrasive with your comments.

    I'm not denying that. What I find odd is how people come to a website geared toward a personality trait that is characterized by callousness and expect those who comment to consider their feelings. First, it's the internet so nobody gives it a shit either way, and second, if they're looking for sympathy from someone who lacks the ability to give it, good luck.

    Like I said before, I hold nothing against the people here, but that doesn't mean I can't find what they have to say to be nonsense. Those who find it necessary to reply to my comments in an effort to defend their delicate egos tend to forget that they have the choice to ignore me whenever they wish.

    Off-topic, but I quite enjoy the fact that Zoe and PandorasBox claim to like Anonymous's carpenter story as if it safeguards them from being the butt of the joke; false sense of security ensured!

    ReplyDelete
  71. But you, Isthar, can be too abrasive with your comments:

    Ishtar, I'm new to this site so I'm learning as I go and your style of communicating reminds me of the socio in my life. That's why I'm drawn to your comments. I know what to expect here now and I know I'm not going to be comforted in amyway. It's just helping me until the obsession lifts. Remember I told you he owes me money and of course this keeps him in my head and he knows it! Eventually I will accept this and pay the bill and move on. In the meantime I will keep reading the posts and comments hoping a sentece will smack me in the face and make me realize I have no control..and it will probably come from you!. That's fine:) What ever it takes. I'm a science major and I'm having trouble focusing on my work. But each day it gets better. So long as he doesn't contact me..but he will. Then what? My own issues will kick in but I hope to catch myself.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You love the abuse. You love being talked to like you are rubbish. ha ha ha. Him owing you money isn't how he is stuck in your head you stupid cunt. That's your justification for it. ha ha ha. I wonder what words he used to hook you in to where you wait hands and feet for a phone call while fooling yourself into thinking you don't want to hear from him. I'm pretty sure I know. Did he break you down or did he find you already with a low self image and make your security dependent upon his approval?

      Delete
    2. Yeah, you tell 'em.

      I bet that one cut real deep... you Sociopath, you!

      Delete
  72. I knock on M.E.'s blog a lot but I find this place and the anonymity of the internet refreshing, because it gets exhaustingly boring having to portray myself as something I'm not on a daily basis, which I'm sure you and everyone else can relate to on some level.

    If your ex is what you say he is, as long as he has control over your desire for your money, he also has control over you and your actions toward him. The only way you can be rid of him is forgetting about your money. Again, it comes down to what your priorities are.

    ReplyDelete
  73. Off-topic, but I quite enjoy the fact that Zoe and PandorasBox claim to like Anonymous's carpenter story as if it safeguards them from being the butt of the joke; false sense of security ensured!

    well, wrong Ishtar. i liked the story. i suspected it was indirectly referring to you, i wondered if it was referring to me. i grew up with narcissism and adopted it (as it was my first experience relating with others) and know what it feels like to be that and how it presents in others. sometimes i am opinionated and slip into a narcissistic mode. it can be useful at work in small doses.

    but at the end of the day fighting over an opinion or belief only serves to prop up the image or ego. unless that is a means to some other end, i don't see the point. i can get further by trying to understand where others are coming from than dominating as the "expert".

    i know what i feel and believe and think and want. if others disagree or invalidate me, i still exist. why should they have to agree? does that make my reality more real? does it make me? i'm more than my opinions. they don't define me. and if others don't agree, it's their right and it actually makes them more interesting, see?

    anyway i commented that i liked the carpenter story because i thought it was a good story and no one commented.. didn't realize Pandora had.

    good story. :)

    ReplyDelete
  74. Like my story isn't too interesting!! I don't want to piss anyone off here with my boring socio b/f dramas! I hope no one minds. How pathetic am I right now!! I'm tempted to just get a new b/f to distrack me from this man. That's not a good idea..the next one could be a jack the ripper type..omg!

    Ishtar, I'm not ready to let go..but soon. Maybe in the next few days he will get struck by lighting and his personality will change drastically and all will be great!! Or maybe I will!! Never know.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah maybe if you wish hard enough that black eye he gave you will go away in one day. or you can try ice. can you post a picture of you looking your most pathetic in the forums. I like looking at that shite.

      Delete
  75. Intersting blog...I just chanced on it today and have been reading voraciously. I too feel that homesick melancholy feeling often. I too feel that I "shape-shift" for all my friends--I don't even know HOW to start a friendship without mimicing the other person. My problem is that I often get tired/bored of acting, and ultimately lose interest in the friend. But......that said, I do not lack for empathy, particularly related to animals. Nothing gets me madder than hearing about people abusing animals (even child abuse won't get me as worked up!) So, not sure what that makes me or if these labels are even meaningful.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can't relate to your situation but my socio friend display traits like yours. He has many dogs and some cows. I can tell you that he is more committed to those animals than he is to people. And don't you dare hurt any of his animals.

      Delete
  76. I do not believe that there is a grocery store shopping list of ingredients that must be present or the "dish" will not turn out. I was diagnosed with psychopathic personality disorder when I was a teenager. The "disorder," if one can call it that, has later been termed "sociopathy." But who knows, I might be lying?

    The point is that I have never had any desire to hurt animals. Quite the contrary... The only strong emotional attachments I have to anything are with pets. Pets behave exactly as I want them to and never question me. I wish people were the same way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What a bunch of nonsense. fucking mooshy mooshy psychopath who was diagnosed when you can't even be diagnosed for psychopathy. ha ha ha. cut your wrists you pathetic fuck. It's not that you don't care, it's that we don't.

      Delete
  77. losthighway.

    i relate a lot to this.

    ReplyDelete
  78. He left me and wont come back,ever.

    ReplyDelete
  79. This is how I've felt pretty much my entire life so far, except that I used to have the excitement of youth when I was...younger. I can't say I've ever been someone's "best friend" and vice versa. I can seemingly have a lot in common with people, but all will be superficial things. I question myself in any relationship because I'm never quite satisfied. Something is always missing--like the connection isn't complete. There is this abstract separation I can't be rid of because I can't touch it. Right now I am in a relationship with someone who thinks they get it, thinks they are "like me". But I know that isn't true. In some ways I feel like a different species even from them because as "fuck the system" and "live for yourself" as they are, at the end of the day they are not as autonomous as they say, due to the simple fact that they desire love and humanity. They've had it before, feel it regularly, etc...They know what they are missing. They are capable of passion, which to me, dismisses their claims of loneliness, as the very sentiment of passionate longing to showcase the inclination for tenderness is a privilege shared among neurotypicals everywhere. They are never truly alone--not in the sense I am. They get fulfillment when someone shares a common interest or experience with them. I never get fulfillment. I am always seeking, on the hunt you could say, but a part of me knows I will not find it in the lifetime. It's like being nostalgic for a nonexistent past. I'm always settling just by coexisting.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Find a passion. It would help you living all life through.
      Jessi

      Delete
    2. I have a passion and it's food.

      Delete
    3. I'm afraid you are talking about eating and not about cooking...
      Jessi

      Delete
    4. Because our little Jessi is a deluded, bitter woman who likes to judge people when in fact she doesn't know jack about them. It makes her feel superior :)

      Delete
    5. I think Jessi is in love with me. I think she's hungry for some Chet and she's disappointed that I won't serve it to her.

      Delete
    6. :) Could be, could be..
      But what do you mean you won't serve it to her? Not even a pity fuck? Not even giving her something to occupy those hands so she can't type here?
      You are cold, my man.

      Delete
    7. Well I'm not sure how I feel about her personality....ahem

      and I don't know what she looks like. She could be homely. Or forty...or both.

      Maybe if she gets rejected enough on here she'll go back the that alleged sociopath of hers and give him what he wants (or wanted) and all will be well.

      Delete
    8. i read three sentences of your comment and skimmed the rest. i regret skimming it. i should have skipped the whole thing.

      Delete
    9. Why do you insist about me pining after someone? That would be boring.
      Jessi

      Delete
  80. Dear L.A
    I was very wavering yesterday but when I read your post, I got such a sense of support and comfort that I turned around and saw her as dead.
    Today, I am feeling my old build up defenses loosening. I feel that I am not as trapped as I was. Thank you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just saw this.
      I'm really glad to hear that, Monica.
      When things settled down after I cut them out of my life, it's cliche, but I felt like a heavy chain had been taken off my neck. Felt more alive than ever.

      You are much stronger than you think. Stay strong and the power is yours.
      Even if you one day decide to 'resurrect' and communicate with her, it can be on your terms.

      Delete
    2. Everyday you say that bollocks you stupid bitch, but no matter how long I've been gone you are still here every fucking day. You worthless slut.

      Delete
    3. Yes, L.A
      I can feel the heavy chain lifting. This is the only place I have even been where people really understand the nature of a Mal Narc. It is from living it and like you say, getting rid of it and thriving! Love you, L.A.

      Delete
  81. Do you think of yourself as a chameleon in a way? I see myself doing the change thing as I go about my day with each new person I am forced to interact with for whatever various reason.

    ReplyDelete
  82. ha ha ha. ive only seen a few comments, but i like this Ishtar bloke already just for the fact s/he has you little wastes running around crying. NARC! NARC! NARC! ha ha.

    just glancing at your worthless comments on this page I can see you fucking nothings wouldn't know the difference between some schizoid loner and a psychopath, let a lone the difference between a psychopath and a narcissist. You basically scream narc narc narc whenever you don't like someone. As soon as an actual narcissist shows up all of you are pushing each other out of the way to get on his cock and do the twist. suckers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Glad you're back, UKan !!!!! You add honest flavor to this site.

      Delete
    2. By the way-- Are "Ukan" and "Ukanned" the same person? Just want clarification. -DR

      Delete
    3. theres only one ukan and I am all of them

      Delete
  83. Tragic personality disorder. One of unknown deceptions and varied perceptions. I do believe at times....sociopathic persons want so to be like the others because they are continually hunting and dissatisfied. When alone the hours can drift with no real meaning or connection within...........its almost like a re-juicing to get back out into their game. I beleive they understand this concept though, to a certain degree. They are blindly revving up for the next "group" or fo
    "followeres" they can find to mix and mingle and fill their voids.........as i write this yes, I guess I feel there is an interplay of sociopathy and true narscisism-somewhat. Although, rare is the sociopath that is genuinely touched..in his heart and soul by another human being..and if they are so deeply moved it is because they were understood and found out by an extremely out-of-the-ordinary person, who saw all the games so clearly, head on, from the get go and carefully maneuvered the pieces also to allow the perpetrator to see and actually feel the depth (only mini glimpses though) of what he is missing and not capable of. yes, they can love, but invariably ends as they are unable to grasp, hang on to a solid form...........their minds are really tormented. Tragically. Conquest..winning...watching others writhe....laughing..at the ignorance of others..tragically............

    ReplyDelete
  84. Reply to 6:28 am anonymous.............yes you were working with a sociopathic woman....it's amazing to witness........ isn't it.?

    ReplyDelete
  85. Did the Master Psycho go back and spam three year old posts? He's crazy as a shit house rat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, someones gotta do it...

      Delete
    2. Yes. cause nobody was

      Delete
  86. ME is a wannabe sociopath and some readera are going to end filling a faulse self-diagnose of sociopath because they identify with her....

    I hope my favorite Anon places a nick. I know you don't care but I need you!

    Jessi

    ReplyDelete
  87. Lol Jessi of everyone on here you are likely one of those who know the LEAST about psychology, particularly sociopathy. I mean, you made an introduction on here asking for advice. Or are you in fact "the only true sociopath" and were playing the "I need help" card with the intention of duping us all?

    Regardless, I will once again remind you that I, as well as others have not claimed to be a sociopath just because we can relate to some text. I even remember concretely stating that I am not.

    This site is a place for discourse, for numerous perspectives, for mental stimulation that can be difficult to indulge in with "real-life acquaintances".

    I speak for at least myself that it is a pretty empty life if I feel the need to debate with ambiguously fake or authentic faceless sociopaths and other emotional minorities on the Internet for the purpose of just that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's easier to have discourse, say your perspective on an online blog rather than with "real" people? What's the matter with you?

      Delete
    2. Not easier necessarily so much as more...specified in topic.

      Delete
    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    4. Do you have problems conversing with actual people. Face to Face?

      Delete
    5. I said "some readers" I know you are not. It is also true that I am here on the search of a real spath to learn from, so I feel dissapointed with the wannabes. (Again, not your case)
      Jessi

      Delete
    6. What do you want to learn from the "spath"?

      Delete
    7. I just love how you are now an expert on psychopathy. Diagnosing people and all.

      Why don't you send an email to UKan outlining the whole saga?
      He'll love it! But make sure you follow his advice closely. Otherwise you're proving that you are not here to learn, but rather to whinge and spew venom at those who couldn't care less.

      Delete
    8. Tate, I do sometimes as of recently. But there was a time before that I spoke to people on a regular basis. I still would have appreciate some of the perspectives on this blog.

      Delete
  88. Did this post have something to do with being a sociopath or something? Did I miss something?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Another disappointed....
      Jessi

      Delete
    2. Did you know 5/12 was the date of a major earthquake in China, and is as notorious a combination of numbers as 9/11 in the U.S.? The fault seemed completely innocuous, moving 1/10 the rate of major active faults that are expected to produce major earthquakes. Nobody expected a thing as the ground shook and the world crumbled around them, killing ~80,000 people. There was no warning whatsoever, just sudden and complete destruction.

      What do you want?

      Delete
  89. I don't share my mind with just anyone. I am covetous of it and careful.When you have gone down as far as I have, you don't have an inch to spare.

    I am sickened by people. It is one of those days when humanity looks so fallen that I see snake heads sticking up from people's necks. I have one myself, so who am I to complain?

    ReplyDelete
  90. To whom it may concern

    I don't go on the Forum.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ha ha ha. that's why you posted this, because you don't go on the forum. ha ha ha. Easy you are.

      Delete
    2. I don't write on the Forum, Dip.

      Delete
  91. The fog is lifting and under it are the blackest lies. I couldn't see them before. I was somewhere else while the main events were going on. I may have been under the stairs kissing a boy like you do when you at your first party.

    I had ersatz rules. They were made up by me or given to me. Whatever. I had them and they had my neck in a vise and were squeezing

    ReplyDelete
  92. From Twitter:
    "If I'm not truly infatuated with someone I will convince myself I am deeply enamored just to allow for some mental/emotional stimulation."

    I stand corrected, that's the funniest thing I've read all day.
    Why, or even how, would you delude yourself like that?

    Love is a powerful, very rare thing for me. Not a way to cure boredom. The only time I say I love when I don't is for the purposes of a seduction game.
    This person needs a hobby.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I will do it but only because I want the feeling.

      Love is extremely powerful, especially when it is scarce.


      I would never want to say I love you and not mean it. I don't think I could do a seduction game around "i love you" unless i convinced myself i did. Then I could say I made a mistake afterwards. Which, I DID.

      Everytime we lie to ourselves we lie to the other.

      I stuck with asking every time if I am lieing to myself I can't get my perceptions to stay. I cant live like this.

      Delete
  93. I hate platitudes. They are true but if you can't friggin access them, they are an exercise in frustration like drooling over chocolate cheesecake on a pastry tray like they have in fine restaurants.

    You can't touch it no matter how much you want to. One day, you get the key and you sink your hand in, chocolate covering your fingers. You lick off the frosting while saying, "Fuck you"
    That is what it is like.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Writing is a relief like when your fever breaks and you are cool and new. Thank you for listening <3

      Delete
  94. I think I may have originally written that. Not quite sure, but I think I did and I meant that the sort of "love" I experience tends to be pragmatic and thought-based. The passionate sort just doesn't happen for me, but I try to force the feeling at times so I can have that inspiration it seems to lend other people. I will think someone is like-minded, then begin to find them trite after having known them a while. But if I feel as though I should still want them I will rationalize.

    Partly so I can write poetry and it won't be quite as insincere and machine-like.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some poetry that must be, ha ha. Robot poetry: Sort of a mix of edgar allen poe and Terminator 2.

      Delete
    2. That really cracked me up.
      Quoth the raven "Hasta la vista, baby"

      Delete
  95. Maybe the reason sociopaths feel this way is because they are actually not humans, but are demons and have no soul.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are just too clever for us to fool.
      Say, if you could have one wish, what would it be?

      Delete
    2. To fuck you up! I've always hated you.

      Delete
    3. How selfish you are!
      You could have said you wished for peace, for an end to hunger or disease, elimination of religion and superstition.... you could have wished to change the world for the better.

      Instead your one and only wish is to fuck me up. Do you even know who I am?
      But, since that is your wish, shall we make a deal? What are you willing to give?

      Delete
    4. Has anyone heard the song "The Optimist Within Me" by William Control?

      Delete
    5. You write so well, Anonymous. Your post displays an air of charisma I rarely see in most. You have my forgiveness, I no longer wish you harm.

      Delete
  96. m.e.-you are so cheesy, it's painful. But I keep coming back to your blog. Sometimes I think you're onto something and then I read entries and I'm like, fucking shit; gun to the brain.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Go ahead, take the easy way out ;)

      http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=boUV3qKacmU

      Delete
    2. I'm homesick for my old obsessions, those people I desired so badly that the mere thought of seeing them thrilled me. The thing I want most is to feel that way again, driven to conquer and possess someone. She is out there, my muse, and my soul will sing again when I have found her.

      Delete
    3. Your prose is eerily similar to my Master's. This has been occurring kind of a lot lately and my thoughts are immediately "what? He isn't satisfied with me?"

      Delete
    4. Some of you sound like you play out vampire fantasies in real life.

      Delete
    5. I had a muse once... A muse who was my master.

      If only I could see his beautiful face once more.

      He is a beautiful man...

      dorothy

      Delete
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    ReplyDelete

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