"Guilt? It's this mechanism we use to control people. It's an illusion. It's a kind of social control mechanism -- and it's very unhealthy. It does terrible things to our bodies. And there are much better ways to control our behavior than that rather extraordinary use of guilt."-- Ted Bundy
I agree completely with him about guilt, though I can’t recall ever actually feeling it, but having seen many people devastated by it, I think its something best not experienced.
ReplyDeleteBesides, I honestly think that had Ted not been a serial killer, he could have been hugely successful and just as famous—rather than become nothing and infamous. The man clearly had a brain and knew how to carry himself. But he was consumed by unhealthy habits that lead to his own demise.
This is a very sociopathic view of guilt, all right. What it fails to grasp is that to those who see the "illusion" of guilt as reality, treat it as such. For them, it may as well be reality. And since the largest majority think this way, you have to bring guilt into your reality in order to understand the reality of society.
ReplyDeleteThe socio in my life loves to make people feel guilty by making them feel sorry for him. He isn't a success financially and he blames life stuff on everyone else. But I can see how the guilt of his shallow behaviors have affected his body and now that he's older..his mind. His techniques are getting old and boring and maybe that why he feels it more now.
ReplyDeleteGrace
Anon Above @8:18...
ReplyDeleteIf this socio in your life is in fact, a socio, then this guilt you speak of isn't affecting his body at all. What makes a socio different is they don't feel guilt. They have no idea what it is and so they can't feel it. And almost for sure, his techniques aren't causing him to feel it anymore now then before.
C was spot on about the failure to realize the reality of the emotion, if you can call it that, because socios fail to recognize any emotions that they themselves do not possess. It be like a human understanding a parrot gawking, sure the parrot can mimic certain things back, but neither one is actually capable of relating to the other. Socios are, for the most part, emotional parrots…and guilt is one of those things they can know how to wield to get a cracker, but they don’t understand it.
To the socios who might take offense to that comparison, it wasn’t meant to be an insult.
Maybe he's tired of being who he is or who he isn't..not emotionally but his intellect might be telling him something. Something is getting him. Or maybe he just isn't getting his way. He thinks no one can understand him and he claims he feels empty. But if he can't feel guilt then maybe he feels consequences..not sure. And he changes from day to day but lately it's the dark half. Thank you for the comment.
ReplyDeleteTed Bundy was an interesting character. I have a copy of "Ted Bundy-Conversations with a Killer"..it was a good read. I remember reading somewhere he was obsessed with having a specific number of clean, grey wool sox at all times. Lol. Also, his favorite method of stealing things was to walk into a store, grab something and walk out with the conviction firmly planted in his mind that "I own this." He said he took great pride in the things he had acquired for himself in that way...what a nut.
ReplyDeleteYou sure he isn't just a cold hearted bipolar jerk?
ReplyDeleteI mean, why must every dickhead boyfriend/husband/ex/whatever be labeled a sociopath by their insignificant other?
Because honestly, there aren't that many of us…even with the 1 - 5% of the population theory, it means that out of 100 claims, that roughly 5 at the most are actually socios. The label isn’t as accurate as people think. Even most of the self proclaimed socios wouldn’t meet the diagnoses criteria if they were evaluated by a professional. Shit, I had the unfortunate pleasure of being evaluated and tagged with the term. I don’t think it fits or is even a disorder, but people keep saying it is.
The truth is that normal guys/girls can be dicks/bitches who don’t give a shit about you or your feelings and not be an actual sociopath. People in general are monsters, we just don’t lose sleep over it like most people.
I know what your saying. But he is and I have been warned about him by his ex-wife but I didn't believe her. And I know he has a violent past..there are other factors too. I have made some comments here already and I'm getting the feedback. He owes me money and started to send me some so I'm just going through the motions of letting go of him. But I feel like owing money is a way to keep me around in case..and visa vera. I also understand that I have more problems with myself than I thought so I'm part responsible too for this whole crap relationship.
ReplyDeleteGrace
What on earth would make you doubt whether Ted Bundy was a psychopath? Just because it's not a common disorder? Statistics don't mean shit to the individual.
ReplyDeleteWhoops, 11:02 am didn't show up on my feed, and I thought the comments were being replied to in order. My apologies.
ReplyDeleteNo, its kind of my bad C, I addressed my first comment to the anon, of whom I didn’t spot the Grace at the end. My comment wasn’t about Bundy, or his legitimacy. Had I clarified who I was addressing it would’ve saved you the time and energy. lol
ReplyDelete@Grace. You were warned? No One ever believes the ex. Thats not your fault, thats just the way it is. He may/may not be a socipath. Maybe he just has some traits. If you have children....keep watch over them. And keep it business between the dad and you. They may develop this way too....because #1 genetics....#2 in a way, you may view it as normal behavior...as you put up with his father...
ReplyDeleteIf you dont have children....cut your money loses, and bail. Keeping the foot in the door....does nothing for you. Think on that for a while.
Guilt is the emotion you display when you get caught. An unecessary part of life if you are cunning enough with your marks. Though the impulses toward certain behaviors are sometimes strong enough to cause potential problems. I like my little secret to remain just that among those I know, keeping my frustration and impulsive behavior in check allows me to appear more than normal. They see me as such a kind, generous, friendly person. My deepest and darkest thoughts would make their faces pale and it thrills me to no end that I walk freely among them unnoticed.
ReplyDeleteOh yeah, and that use of guilt to reinforce the norms of society and dictate another person's thoughts or actions is like vanilla ice cream... standard and plain, but an everlasting classic flavor.
...keeping my frustration and impulsive behavior in check allows me to appear more than normal. They see me as such a kind, generous, friendly person.
ReplyDeleteSame; which pretty much counters most peoples' idea that any asshole ex must be a psychopath, because it simply isn't true. Those who know me personally know little of my history, so all they have to judge by are my actions at present. I've been told that I'm one of the most humble, sympathetic, and diplomatic people they've ever met.
I have to keep my behavior in check too. Don't know if I'm doing a good job of that right now..but I'm trying. Many people do and some don't or can't.
ReplyDeleteI can't convince you that my ex is anything at all. I can only tell you my experience with him and what I have been told and now what I have read. That's all I have to go on. But I can be pretty objective when I need to be and put my feelings and perspective aside..but not for long. I'm pretty sure he is a sociopath and not necessarily an asshole. I may be more of an asshole for getting involved with him in the first place. He's sending me money so I just keep it very light with him.
And if I have to cut my loses I will. But for today it's ok.
Grace
Grace, if he were to be a socio, then why would he send you money if you already broke up/divorced with him? There would be no point of sending money unless he has hopes to get back togather, which from the sounds of it does not seem very likely. He is either an extremely stupid socio, or he is just a normal empath. Much mire likely to be the second one.
ReplyDeleteHe's an ex-bf. He is sending money now because my ex-husb. threatened him. I mean that's as of last week. But he did communicate with me the other night how much he is suffering from his behaviors. He told me he will never be happy and he holds back so much of himself and doesn't talk about his bad thoughts and pasts, which I know was a violent one, and how he is empty..this is all recent. But the downfall of the relationship was all my fault according to him. He, for whatever reason, got a bit honest with me...it relates to today's post. I think he's tired of trying to get peoples attenton..trying to get sympathy from people. Everyone is tired of him and use to his games. No one trusts him in his family. So I don't know...ever since he opened up a little to me then I told him something about myself and then he opened up more..and now I haven't heard from him since then..a few days ago. I have told this story all over this website and people have been great about commenting on it. I understand more each time and yet I get confused too..so I don't know anymore. But's it's a process and I just go with the flow and hope I get paid. He threatens suicide from time to time..I don't think he means it..he just wants attention from me cause he knows it bothers me to hear that sort of stuff.
ReplyDeleteGrace
Grace,
ReplyDeleteWith all due respect, you are overanalyzing your situation. Whether emapth or sociopath, he is manipulating you. He is able to keep you as part of his life, serving either emotional or practical needs. If he's a socio, maybe he wants to keep you around in case a relationship with you becomes convenient again or perhaps he's bored? Maybe he wants you to feed his ego. Either way, he's playing you and quite well. Listen to you, singing his sad, sad tune.
A friend of mine is very much like this. After a failed attempt at a relationship, they would go for weeks without speaking a word to me, and then send me a message about how lonely they were, inevitably leading up to some request for a sexual favor, even though they had no real desire to be with me. This continued for some months. At first it was insulting; then I used it to my advantage until the situation changed. However, it quickly became more trouble than it was worth, and I cut them off completely.
Cut your losses. His "feelings" are his business.
I agree with C, this guy is definately controlling you. If you had any brains, you would have cut him off completely. Unless it's for th money (which is most likely not much) it still is trivial. And your ex-husband threatened him? Why doesn't he sue and make money and stop sending you some? This situation is just incomprehensible. He is obviously not a socio at all. He also is fucking stupid. I have a quesion for you, do you all live in the same trailer park, or in seperate ones?
ReplyDeleteNo..my husband just told him to deal with him now and not me about the money..I wasn't clear with the way I put that. He just sent him a text saying stop communicating with him me and just deal with him, my husband. I'm just angry so I used the word threatened. But it was nothing like that. He owes me a grand and sent 100. yes he did control me your right about that. I'm a science/math major but I guess this is out of my league.
ReplyDeleteBut I'm learning. I like when people are straight with me..it hits me hard and I learn.
Grace.
One grand? That's it?
ReplyDeleteyup. that's not a lot? .I'm a student so to me it's a lot. What's a grand to me might not be to you. disagree? I know if I owed it to him he would make sure i was paying..but what am i saying..he would have never given me a dime.
ReplyDeleteGrace
If he was a socio...he would have never given you a dime...let alone $100.
ReplyDeleteI'm such a people pleaser I wouldn't have ever asked to borrow money..but if I did and didn't pay he would take one of his 10 guns and shoot me. Know what I mean? One time he put his hands around my neck just playing around but it started to hurt and when I looked at him he had this cold look to him and it was as if ,for a sec, he couldn't stop himself. But my ex-husb is around and taking care of this for me. Im not involved anymore with this dude. I guess no matter how it is..it's crazy.
ReplyDeleteGrace
Grace, you're story is starting to sound fake. Every time you get on here, you add something generically dangerous. What's more, you are coming at it with all the maturity of a 20-something-year-old. I'm guessing it's on the lower side of that spectrum. You are trying to get some kind of validation for being involved with a sociopath and coming out alive. Really, it's just not that big of a deal.
ReplyDeleteIt's just my experience. There's nothing fake about it. And it was a big deal to me. I didn't understand any of this stuff but I do now. But in a few weeks it will not be a big deal..it will pass.I don't know what you mean by generically dangerous. He was dangerous but not obviously dangerous and everytime time I read posts here and comments it makes me think about what went on in the relationship and how it wasn't a normal one. My age has nothing to do with it.
ReplyDeleteGrace
" He was dangerous but not obviously dangerous"
ReplyDeleteThat's right. In retrospect.. He covered up his true self but every once in a while I would see something that would confuse me and I just thought he was a tough guy..a wish guy..I think you know what I mean. Thank you for your comments though.
ReplyDelete