Friday, December 9, 2011

Nothing

I rarely wake up to an alarm. Consequently, my dreams become increasingly more lucid as I become more conscious. I've noticed that when I'm busy and not sleeping as much as my body wants, my subconscious in these last minutes of sleep will incorporate problem solving into my dreams. It's as if it knows that I want to get up and working on things, so it tries to trick me into sleeping more by giving me the illusion of "solving" things in my dreams. It works. I have honestly thought to myself, no need to get up quite yet because I am getting so much done already.

Sometimes the dreams could be classified as anxiety dreams. One time I dreamed that I was trying to escape from a hospital in which they were performing tests on me. A lot of the time, though, they are innocuous--I am performing research or coming up with theories or solutions for my work. Sometimes I am just managing my day filled with errands, trying to deal with them in the most efficient manner possible.

The problems, like all dream problems, are unending. It can feel rewarding to engage in these little games my subconscious sets up for me, but there is never a complete resolution. Just as I feel that I am getting close to success, some new snafu develops. Again, it's as if my subconscious realizes that if I resolve something completely, the natural consequence would be for me to just wake up. When I do finally wake up, I am relieved that all those problems and snafus have magically disappeared, as if they never existed, because of course they never did.

I've mentioned before that I have a death wish. Some people wondered what I meant. I don't mean it in a brooding, morose way. I don't daily yearn for death to end the torment of my life. My life isn't tormented. I don't really yearn for anything. That's sort of the problem. Sometimes I feel like my life is like these pseudo lucid dreams I have in the morning in which I go from one project or scheme to another--one seduction becomes the next, one career move becomes the next, one plan to "ruin" someone becomes the next. Everything is enjoyable, in fact my day-to-day activities are all either very self-indulgent and pleasurable or richly rewarding. By design, there is very little tedium in my life--except for life itself. My wish for death then is more a wish that this existence was something that I could wake up from. (I know, right? Total Inception rip off.)

I have a vague sensation of a nothingness about life. I don't think it's accurate to call it emptiness. Empty suggests that there is some vacancy, some volume that is left unfilled. I have used the word abyss before, but that is similarly inaccurate. It's not quite boredom, as it is lack of meaning or real fulfillment. Sometimes I think it is a symptom of what I am, but I've read enough literature to think that it is actually a quite common sensation. It's probably why so many people answer the question, "What's wrong?" with "Nothing."

575 comments:

  1. It's mostly your fault. I don't mean that in a mocking way, it just is what it is. You set short term missions you know you can accomplish.

    You have no Moby Dick, no Moriarty. If you crawl out of your bubble and play for keeps, you'll stop being the bloated parasite that you became.

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  2. My default position is anxiety. Yours seems to be ennui. I have been thinking about death, lately, too. However, mine is in terms of my own ego. I wish I could let it die before it eventually dies with my body lol My ego seems very burdensome.

    However, I have not progressed to another place that feels satisfying. Maybe, I never will. Maybe, one cannot because life so, inherently, does not work.

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  3. So my husband and I may have stumbled across a label with my affinity for stealing things that adds new dimension to Medusa's theory. And i think it may explain a thing or two about me by the sound of this post.
    So what does the sociopath room know about skizoid personality disorder? I'm doing research.

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  4. Regarding the topic of death, I've always been curious about death. And pain. When I was little I used to want to jump out of my window to break my leg. I wondered what it felt like. I didn't because I thought the cast part sou red like FOREVER. Especially when I was that young. And death made me super. Curious. I'd always figured I'd die by doing something crazy. Or that I could try to live to a certain age and wait til I got bored and then just let myself die. I never understood why people feared death. I had a sort of peter pan ideal placed on it.

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  5. Lol. And i have similar dreams in which I don't have to get up because in my dreams I can just set back time and get more sleep. I love those half asleep places.

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  6. Lack of meaning or purpose will do that. It's what drives people like us to do the things we do.

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  8. @MK

    I am a lurker in here and most likely have a schizoid PD with possible comorbid paranoid PD. Self-diagnosed, but I don't want to get labelled simply because I don't feel like anything is wrong with me.

    Simply put, I think many of the self-diagnosed "high-functioning" sociopaths here actually are schizoids. I can relate with a sociopath in many levels and when I was younger I thought I was one too. The lack of empathy and selfish orientation goes with many of this personality type as well. The main difference I think is the lack of motivation - I certainly have anti-social attitudes even though I lack the tendencies. Schizoids, in contrast with the sociopath, want to arrange their lives in a way they are as independent from others as possible and keep social contacts in bare minimum to be able to maintain that lifestyle. In addition to that, I don't want much else at all. No family, no friends, no relationships and perfectly happy that way. Having a steady job is nice because it gives some structure in life but more importantly because it allows the level of independence that is absolutely essential for me to feel this content. I remember from my previous life that having to depend on others' help to survive is pure hell for me.

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  10. "My body language is extremely stiff in the interaction with other people. My mother has told me several times that when I meet people I have this thing over me of 'don't touch me', even when I'm friendly to people. I see that most people feel very uncomfortable around me."

    That's how most people describe their interactions with narcissists. With sociopaths you have to know them very well before you can sense something is wrong when its purely social.

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  11. More than 5 hrs of sleep is something I don't often get. My internal clock gets me up in about 4hrs reguardless when I fall asleep. It's really boring at 3am....

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  12. These people I talked about, a few days ago. One is a Mal Nar and the other an Inverted Narc. Are people born with Mal Narc and inverted Narc?

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  14. Being a puppet master to all is very satisfying.

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  15. I actually had a dream with M.E. in it last night. Or my subconscious idea of who M.E. is. It was, interesting.

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  17. It was long and relly involved. I'll try to write it up when I'm done with what I'm writing atm.

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  18. "I have a vague sensation of a nothingness about life. I don't think it's accurate to call it emptiness. Empty suggests that there is some vacancy, some volume that is left unfilled. I have used the word abyss before, but that is similarly inaccurate. It's not quite boredom, as it is lack of meaning or real fulfillment. Sometimes I think it is a symptom of what I am, but I've read enough literature to think that it is actually a quite common sensation. It's probably why so many people answer the question, "What's wrong?" with "Nothing.""

    This paragraph actually captures the essence of schizoid experience quite well.

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  19. @Nothing Man

    I'd love to hear more about your lifestyle. Glad to have something new in the mix.

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  20. Probably better than the "schizoids" socialising at the Psyche Forums. They have more posts than the Histrionic section for the personality disorder section. That's fucking hilarious if you stop and think about it for a moment.

    I don't normally welcome new commenters, but welcome, Nothing Man. Hopefully you can bring some new color to the crazy train. Too many damn beepers.

    ;)

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  21. I don't really understand the inner workings of the schizoid. I would welcome learning about it.

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  22. I don't ever go to the psyche forums. Are they interesting?

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  23. Not really. Well, unless you want to see unintentional parody in motion.

    Eden, I have something I'd like you to check out if you have a chance. I think we share similar reading tastes, to some extent.

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  24. Check your comments section in your blogger account.

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  25. I like how some selectively welcome new posters.

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  27. When you're getting your Sociopath Badge at the shrink, you may want to look into your mommy issues, David.

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  29. It was a joke, David. You're really dense sometimes.

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  30. GreenMachine said...
    I like how some selectively welcome new posters.


    Feeling left out ? Welcome!

    Better now ?

    Beep Beep!

    TCO

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  32. Where the fuck did you come from?!

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  33. I Am a regular woman, David.

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  34. @David.. Likewise, great minds think alike.

    @TNP.. There's a T shirt waiting for those words somewhere =)

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  35. I've had many different phases in my life - I am now 35. When I was younger I tried to live up to the expectations that society puts on people - you know, get an education, a good work that pays a lot of money to feed my wife and 2,5 children etc. - but in hindsight none of it really made me happy, I was trying to be something that I wasn't.

    I got college education and now I have a comfy desk job - that part I am grateful that I suffered. The dating stuff never really worked out for me. I have some friends, if you can call them such, that I never call unless I need their help with something. I moved far away from everyone after this job so I don't really need to socialize with my old friends or relatives very much. I have consciously distanced myself from them, and very rarely anybody else than the telemarketing people call me. When the phone rings I find it annoying especially as I know some people talk at least 15 minutes even when all I ever say is "yes" every minute or so.

    I spend most of my time in the internet or play computer games. I don't go to bars anymore, but during weekends I drink a little bit on my own just because I enjoy the feeling of being moderately drunk on occasion. When I drink in company I don't get more social or change much at all so I don't like that. I did some drugs when I was younger but even though I liked it getting them is too much hassle so I've pretty much quit all illegal stuff unless I go meet some old friends who still do them. That happens once a year or less.

    Now to most of you this will sound pretty sad and meaningless way to spend your life but I don't experience it like that at all. When I tried to be social I was stressed out all the time because face to face communication with people just feels like an endless and boring chore to me most of the time. I can be sociable for a short while and if you met me socially you might not find me unusual in any way. That's what my job requires from me from time to time and I can handle it. But when I go home I just want to be left alone and I've managed to arrange my life in such a way it is now possible.

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  36. you're definitely schizoid. no doubt

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  37. @Nothing Man
    I was thinking along the same lines. I used to try to be everything life said I should such popular, well traveled etc

    However, I did it because I did not want to look weird or different. I did most things from the teens on so I would look normal.

    Now, I want to do things from my own gut, with my own self expression.

    If that is staying in and staring at the walls, I want enough ego strength to do it, be at peace with it, and proclaim it.

    That was a great post, Nothing Man.

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  38. You think you're schizoid, MK?

    Why do you say: "G'd", Dave? Fear of being struck by lightning?

    wv: ovelype (sounds like an elderly Asian person trying to say: "overripe")

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  39. Pretty sure all narcissists are made.

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  40. especially the inverted kind if you had a narc parent you wanted to buddy up to.

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  41. Not much to tell, Sweets. There was a lovely spread, and a live band. Had a jazzy atmosphere... but the company was rather dull. It's irritating when the company you keep, can't manage to socialize well in person, without having to drink first. He's a very good kisser, but I need intellectual stimulation first, or the attraction dies quickly.

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  42. g-d It is a way for him to distinguish himself.. Lots of jews do it to stand out frm the crowd

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  43. Eden me too. I hate kissing or touching before my brain is whet

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  44. Thank you, No where man.

    I am exhausted after socializing. I put on too many fronts because people expect me to entertain them. When I don't my job is not done. I am a depressive, so that pressure from myself is too draining sometimes. I often go out because I said I would, not because I want to.. I know it is often the "right" thing to do for myself. But I can never know for sure. It's usually best to go if I am not sure. I do it kicking and screaming, though. I would rather work long hours than socialize when depressed.

    Yes, Ukan did say depressed people are useful. Very true, indeed.

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  45. Sorry

    *nothing man, not no where

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  46. are you going to go out with him again, Eden?

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  47. @Nothing Man
    Your post struck me. I think you are asking something very profound, which you may not know that you are asking, if I may say that. I think you are asking if it is OK to be a different color i.e magenta. Is it OK to ACCEPT that you are a different color without trying to change to become the other colors? Can you give up the fight and just "be"?
    It reminds me of two things. The stage "Intimacy versus Isolation" and the concept of inner vs outer locus of control.

    The latter(locus of control) is about who defines us, the inner or the outer i.e. our self reference or society?

    The former(Intimacy vs Isolation) is about what of ourselves we will negotiate for connection with others.


    Can you relate, Nothing Man? If so, how and how not? I hope you don't think I gave you a rectal exam lol

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  48. Huh and I try too hard to socialize here . That's a laugh if I ever heard one. Interesting.

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  49. "are you going to go out with him again, Eden?"

    Probably not. I'm just not feeling the chemistry now.

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  50. @Caroline

    I'm not sure if I'm asking anything anymore, I think I have accepted who I am and reached the point in life where I can stop pretending - because I'm no longer dependent on anyone to help me out financially if I fall in a bad rut. If I get unemployed at some point again then I guess I have to adapt again and start pretending but I've regarded these past few years a relaxing break where I don't need to pretend to be anything or anyone just to fit in.

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  52. @Nothing Man
    So, are you content with where you are i.e. are not looking to change yourself, basically?

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  53. I take back what I said. Hearing about tragic relationships, unplanned pregnancies, and listening to hyper-emotional rants is a hell of a lot more entertaining than the day planner of a punch clock ponce who goes home to play video games and escape from *gasp* talking to people.

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  54. Eden

    Bummer. Are you planning on going out with him again?

    For me, I enjoy a man that can take the lead and show me a good time. If there is not much upstairs, then they at least have to be really funny or outgoing to make it worth while.

    Actually, I did date someone who was not the brightest bulb LOL He did the best party boy impersonation. Him and his buddy would get in their underwear on street corners doing the party boy routine.

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  55. I'm not sure what I think I am. I never really thought I was a label, but my husband and i were looking up my stealing habit and stumbled across spd... and it makes a lot of sense. Though I don't think I'm to the extreme of having a disorder I figure it's possible, so i thought id throw it here to tthe wwolves and see if its credited or dis...
    And tnp, your still dumb.

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  56. I actually find nothing mman amusing. I discovered a new disorder label to slip people into. I always like figuring out a new label, and nothing man sounds like a poster child. Way better than little blue. She's nothing special.

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  57. Missus Kanney
    You seem like a sociopath, to me.

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  58. Lol. Ive heard that before, but I think you're wrong. I can be very empathetic when disposed to it.

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  59. @Caroline

    Yep, that is true. That's why you don't get many schizoids coming to see therapists. When they come, it is usually because somebody else has made them or because of some other comorbid condition. People like me are usually very content with their lives and don't see anything wrong with the way they live it. Others might but that's their problem.

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  60. You have to give me credit for being consistent at least. I wasn't talking about Blue Bird, though. She wasn't very interesting. Just another delusional loser druggie out to save the world from itself when she doesn't even have her own shit together. I wanted to make a project out of her, but I got bored too fast :-/

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  61. @Nothing Man
    You are a self actualized person lol

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  63. When I was rreading aabout sod last night that's one of the tthings they say. That the antisocial preference tends to prohibit diagnoses. They prefer the little interaction and tend not to be able to relate to the therapist to a necessary degree for treatment, what with the intimacy isissues and all.
    I thought that might make my relationship wwith a sociopath make sense. He has few demands on me eemotionally.
    Though i dont think I'm quite disordered, because I'm trying to gget friends, because I've noticed minimal social interaction mmakes me crazyish and lose perspective. I have a hahard time making friends though, because of my aloof coldness and emotional detachment. But I'm introverted to aan introspective degree, too. Though not as much aanymore.
    Lets say I think in my future if I don't do something now I think I would be destined to be a schizoid. Though I don't think per se that i currently am one. Besides, I'm not fond of the idea of having a label. I think tthey can be a cop out.

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  64. Lol. OK well, it hasnt been in a while, but i uused tto bebe able to feel what others were feeling, and iI was very easy ffor people to talk tto because of iit. Through other people and writing used to bebe the only way I really felt. I can be empathetic when I like people, or when I want to. I can actually be very sensitive.

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  65. something is up with my keyboard. The double letters thing is getting bizarre.

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  66. @David.. apparently. Mom on the phone, chicks on the blog....

    *jumps off cliff*

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  67. Categories were made to organize things but don't fit, perfectly, for anyone.

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  68. David

    You will fit right in~

    I don't know much about schizoids. I did know this one I went to school with. He recently killed himself, by hanging himself. The one distinct memory I have of him, was him standing on the diving board while he peed himself as he laughed.

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  69. Why did people bully you, Missus?

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  70. Wow... I'm not that... unique.
    Are you saying that to my sociopathy, Caroline, or my schizoid al tendencies. I really don't think im aa sociopath.
    I'm not manipulative,

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  72. No, I was actually amiable in secondary. I was a loner when I was under 12, and my friends would tease me to an extent at that point, but i was nnever bbullied. I was voted miss congeniality in secondary.

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  73. @Missus You seem like you have very blunted empathy, from what I have seen.

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  74. David, you're seriously trying sso hhard. Have you heard Dane cook's accident stand up. He's talking about a gguy getting hhit by a cacar and finally being able to witness it. He's no ssociopath, either. You two could relate.

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  75. Caroline, currently I do have a very blunted sense of empathy. I'm not a ssociopath. It isn't like that's the only criteria. Why dont you experiment with some oother labels and get back to me.

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  76. Today is glorious! I am on one hell of a manic high. I was sitting in my car last night listening to music and I could feel the waves of the vibrations pulsing through my body.

    I seriously don't even feel like I am on this planet. Excuse me while I skip on clouds.

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  77. Why do you have blunted empathy, now? Is it a "trying on" stage of it, from your marriage to a sociopath?
    Just tell me to back off, if you want me to lol

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  78. The realization that most folks eventually come to (often following a midlife crisis or "nervous breakdown") is that the meaning of life can only be found in interpersonal relationships. "Success", aquisition, momentary hedonism are all fleeting and in the end, quite meaningless.

    If you are unable (like a sociopath) or just dont desire to (like a schizoid) create interpersonal bonds for meaning, then life basically is an exercise in tedium.

    Hope is essential.

    Those socalled "NT"s that never get over their consumer bs and live their pathetic lives blindly following authority (and lost in the conflicting data from the varied voices of authority) and use drugs (especially antidepressants) and alcohol to quell the depression/anxiety they suffer from as a result of not being able to seperate themselves from all of the authority they are bombarded with (disagreeing politicians, media, advertisments, religions, etc) and do not realize the value of their interpersonal relationships are just as lost as a sociopath, only the socio has a valid excuse. The vast majority have only the excuse that they are too distracted by shiny objects and influence of sociopaths and narcissists in authority positions. Push that button and shock your friends... its ok if we tell you to do it.

    The true meaning of life is about taking responsibility for one's thoughts, feelings and actions and having them exist in harmony.

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  81. tehehe.

    No I don't try on personalities. I think there's something you don't get about personalities. People have a conscious, and a polar subconscious. And until tthey balance... or self actualize, people tend to deviate like a pendulum from one side to the other. Ie, pulling out totoo much of one aspect tto the detriment of another, and tthen penduluming to the opposite side until theres a happy medium maintained by a neutral conscience. So trying on personalities iis something children do when theyre discovering what facet they prefer, and it could be more called experimenting with social groups than trying on new personas. When you say that, I personally think it makes you sound incredibly ignorant aand narrow minded. Like people are as simple as an act they're experimenting with in a play. You take out any substantiality in a ppersonality. And people do have certain substantial facets in their mind that they pull who they are out of. Peoples possible personalities are in fact narrowed in potential by their experiences, and your thinking that the way that you do belittled that idea.

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  82. david you ththink thats the case because you can't. But people are who they are in everything that they do. I can't diagnose you because I don't have a degree. But I can tell you wwith certainty what you are not.

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  83. There is no use insulting people Missus. I just asked how you came to have a blunted sense of empathy, now, as YOU said you did.

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  84. If you happen to be at a party tonight, and someone brings liquor and jellybeans; that's probably me. :D Toodles!

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  85. Anonymous, that's charmingly one sided. People say that life is about finding the meaning of life because it is unique for everyone. Humans are social, so building a nest is pivotal, but for some ppeople they're aspirations ffor meaning are higher. Interpersonal relationships are only a wrung in some peoples ladder toward meaning. You must be a female.

    I didn't read the rest oof your ccomment.

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  87. Especially for UKan....
    My name is vague anon, i am addicted to a man i met last year that i suspect is a sociopath (or has traits) I have given up trying to understand him. Now i need one of your "victim rants". Please do not hold back.

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  88. I wasn't being insulting. I could call you a nosy bitch or something trite along those lines. I was just being honest with my opinions, which tend to be harsh.

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  90. narcissists are the ULTIMATE sheep, but will never admit it.

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  91. Aw, David. How convenient for you not to believe me because you place it on my ppre conceptual judgements.
    You could bbe gay and a sociopath... but you aren't, David. You wish you wwere, and ththats why i think you are not.I can hear it in your desperation, i can ssee iit in your sensitiveyy mannerisms, I can see it in yyour eyes. And so can everyone else. You seem to be the only one who rrefuses to believe it. You wish you were as callous as a sociopath is because then it'd be OK that you've lived your entire life as a coward with no meaning. It'd be alright that you've made in connections, and spent your life running. Because if you were a sociopath, you wouldn't be running, would you?

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  92. david is a soft compared to a spath.

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  93. LoveFraud Article - Please don't feed the trolls.. LOLDecember 9, 2011 at 10:36 AM

    Periodically, people who admit that they are sociopaths stop by Lovefraud to cause trouble. Sociopaths usually engage in manipulation to gain something tangible, such as money, sex or a place to live. But sometimes they engage in manipulation simply to entertain themselves. From their twisted perspectives, what could be more fun than messing with the minds of people who are trying to recover from sociopathic “comrades” who have already messed with their minds? So they log on to Lovefraud and post comments.

    Usually, they start off by portraying themselves as victims. Because Lovefraud readers are so generous about welcoming newbies, they, too, are welcomed. Eventually, however, their comments start becoming sarcastic or derogatory, and the sociopaths’ true colors emerge.

    A particular sociopath made many appearances over the weekend, creating several identities. Although I kept banning this particular person, he figured out a way to get around the bans. I could not prevent him from creating new identities—I could only react when he started posting under a new identity.

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  94. UKan was that you? ROFL

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  96. missus, let's be honest sociopaths are not brave people. that's why the socio picks on the weak. a socio wouldn't call it cowardice though, they'd glorify it.

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  97. @Anon1009

    There is no meaning in life other than to arrange it the way that best suits you. Nothing you ever do or accomplish in life will last forever - even the great men and women of history will some day be forgotten.

    It will be interesting to see if I ever get that mid-life crisis you describe, but I doubt it. To me the crisis was everything before I realized that I don't need to live my life the way others expect me to. Besides it would be wrong of me to marry when I know I'm not capable of giving what they want from me. It would end in bitterness and divorce. And then I would have to pay all those alimonies.

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  99. lol. Don't you see David?
    You enjoy being a coward? You enjoy being a coward! You have yourself convinced that you like being as mmuch of a failure as you are, yet you come on here with admissions of ssuicidal tthoughts and pill and alcohol addictions to cope with how much yiu just love not living uo toto your potential. You cower at every obstacle and can't face any thing in your life, and its because you ttell yourself you enjoy it. Being unable to feel joy is not the same as being a sociopath, David.

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  100. common sense you can't handleDecember 9, 2011 at 10:51 AM

    whats one less person on the planet?

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  101. Sociopathy and bravery are not determined in tthe criteria, are they? So llets stop making up definitions, shall we.

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  102. It's alright, Missus. No one would ever expect you to understand.

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  103. spaths are the only insane people that can act normally.

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  104. (Althought I hate to admit that you are spot on about David, Missus)

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  105. Thanks, Buddy, for the guys night out. Hank needed, to unwind with Frank.

    Hi Gary
    Hi Harv
    Hi Harry

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  106. Anon 1058 you cant be further from the truth. What is normal, anyway? Are you an expert on "normal"? Normal is pretty nutty if you look at it clearly.

    And legally, they are quite sane, and insanity is a legal term only.

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  107. Hank, and Frank etc = Zhawq.

    Look at her blog, and you'll see the discussions she has with herself.

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  108. Frank to Hank and OthersDecember 9, 2011 at 11:03 AM

    Did I tell you I love you, today, Hank?

    Hi Gary
    Hi Harv
    Hi Hairy

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  109. @anon

    if you really think that spaths aren't bat shit, then you just haven't spent enough time with one. at first the are the most put together person you'll meet (the mask of sanity) but the spath is the most insane on the inside.

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  111. Cock in my ass
    Cock in my ass
    I want some cock in my ass

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  112. I'm not bummed about it, Sweets. I don't invest much in people. Not in the beginning. It's not because I'm being cautious either. People sort of have to rub off on me, if you know what I mean. In the beginning; it's like they're black and white, and nearly shapeless. If they stick around long enough, and have enough character; a color will surface, and then another. They start to take a more distinct form, and as they reveal more about themselves to me; I start to warm to them a little more.

    It takes months for me to become interested enough, to invest something. I don't even call someone familiar, or friend till a couple years have passed, and I realize that something about you, has kept me in your company on a regular enough basis, and that I don't mind you sicking around long term.

    I'm perfectly capable of bonding to people. But in this fast-food-mentality type of society; not fast enough for people to wait it out. I can't be rushed.

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  113. You can't even spell Schizoid properly, Missus. Lol.

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  114. lol. I like the k. I do it on purpose.

    And david, I'm not offended. I didn't see you say stupid cunt. And my illegibility will improve when iI'm less busy. Maybe il download a keyboard app. This one sseems temperamental. But you get the point. I know you do. I've made it before more subtly, but you sseem to respond well tto belligerency.

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  115. bpd = empath on steroids.

    psycho = npd on steroids.

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  116. LMAO

    56 page views today. Curious lil buggers!!! Whatever you're looking for... it's no longer there. :D

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  117. mk, your pretty hard nosed for an empathic person..

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  120. I'm so sick of your cock, David. Isn't there anything else valuable about you? Anything at all?

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  121. if you are not a sociopath, or a narc. you have no right to exist.

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  122. Do people here forget that NT empathic people are completely capabale of being cold hearted jerks at times?

    (General statement not directed)

    Most empathic people aren't running around crying and giving out free hugs all the time. You don't have to be a sociopath to not give a shit sometimes.

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  123. Lol. Oh David, but tthats exactly what you do!
    I'm a lluxurious successful gigolo. And you wwant to get on my hhusband for drug dealing? He's successful because he's happy, and meeting his wants and potential, and cconquers obstacles bbefore him through an intriguing determination. You are unsuccessful because yiure mmiserable, hate your job, and won't face anything in front oof you unless iit gives you aattention enough to ccompensate. See the difference yet, or do we nneed tto go over it aagain?

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  124. as a child, i would beg for cash from strangers. not because i needed the money, it wasn't about the money, (but it was a bonus). my needs were being taking care of.

    i got a thrill from tricking people into believing i was poor, and being able to play a role. i even messed up my hair, and dirtied my face a little. i guess i was always manipulative.

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  125. Anon theirs isnt a mask of sanity, it is a mask of maturity.

    Underneath, they arent "batshit", they are spoiled toddlers.

    Also, they know the diff between right and wrong (which is a part of the legal def of insanity) they just dont give a fuck. They think they are better than those of us who do give a fuck.

    Calling them insane takes away their responsibility for their actions. And they are able to control themselves to an extent, as most socios arent "psycho killas".

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  126. ^ Anon this reminds me of something I used to do...

    When I was young (10-12 yrs maybe) a friend and I would go door to door (in neighborhoods that were not our own) claiming to be collecting money and sponsors for a charity walk or some such thing. They'd give us money. A lot of money. We'd go home feeling on top of the world because we made a ton of cash.

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  127. it wasn't about money for me, it was an ego thing. ironically, i can't bare to be seen as poor nowadays. now i play the role of success.

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  130. Why did you choose the screen names you did?

    (Tanner is my brothers name we where very close before his death)

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  131. Lol. David, this isnt about my husband. And we're married. I know you don't know what tthat entails, but we start to grow alike in aa lot of ways. We understand each oothers perspectives. It comes from living with someone.
    Stop deflecting David, we're talking about your failures. What happened tto the classy whore too good for ritzy parties? Do you think they would ever invite you in the door? Maybe, when you're they're dirty little secret. You embody that role, don't you.

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  132. Eden

    Interesting. You have a different approach than me yet it has similar results. I have one person in my life I can talk to, and she is not judgmental at all. I have known her for years now and she lives far from me, which helps me not be paranoid about opening up to her. All and all, it has taken a total, of 5 years for us to get to this point. She taught me how to make bottles, change diapers, and bought me baby books when I had my son. Even though we are the same age, she became a mother figure to me (sorta).

    I am tempted to tell you about my approach with my mania in a flurry LOL. That would be a huge bean spiller so I think it is best I shut up now.

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  133. Characteristics of a psychopath --

    - An orientation of expressing power for it's own sake.

    - Taking pleasure in duping others and subjecting them to manipulation

    - Feeling anxiety less intensely than non psychopathic individuals.

    - Having higher than normal threshold for stimulation and therefore seeks in addictively.

    - Lacks the moral center of gravity that, in people of other personality types, tames the striving for power and directs it toward socially valuable ends.

    - Being charming and even charismatic.

    - Being able to read others emotional states with great accuracy.

    - Being indifferent to the feelings and needs of others.

    - Showing a lack of remorse for damaging other people.

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  134. David, just remember that MK is completely unhappy with her fucked up marriage and her feeling of powerlessness or she wouldnt be here playing head games with the likes of you.

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  135. And dont worry David, Eden's tits are nothing special. Her face is even less special.

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  136. David,

    My picture is not the reason my poetry page got 56 hits, in one hour's time. It doesn't surprise me that the real reason, has escaped your attention though. The people who were desperately searching my poetry comments, know the real reason... and that's all that matters to me. It's why I mentioned it.

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  137. Actually my satisfaction with my marriage is iincredibly high. I have an internal issue or two to sosolve, ccurrently, but otherwise im ggrand.

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  138. Characteristics of a psychopath (vol 2) --

    - Lack of Remorse, Shame or Guilt
    A deep seated rage, which is split off and repressed, is at their core. Does not see others around them as people, but only as targets and opportunities. Instead of friends, they have victims and accomplices who end up as victims. The end always justifies the means and they let nothing stand in their way.

    - Shallow Emotions
    When they show what seems to be warmth, joy, love and compassion it is more feigned than experienced and serves an ulterior motive. Outraged by insignificant matters, yet remaining unmoved and cold by what would upset a normal person. Since they are not genuine, neither are their promises.

    - Contemptuous of those who seek to understand them.

    - Does not perceive that anything is wrong with them

    - Only rarely in difficulty with the law, but seeks out situations where their tyrannical behavior will be tolerated, condoned, or admired.

    - Exercises despotic control over every aspect of the victim's life.

    - Extreme narcissism and grandiose.

    - May state readily that their goal is to rule the world .

    (The above traits are based on the psychopathy checklists of H. Cleckley and R. Hare.)

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  139. Eden
    If people click on your picture, it goes to your blog.

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  141. @ David

    I haven't laughed in a week. Thanks, you broke though my wall ;)

    Cheers

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  142. Lol. Aw, david. I was here aa lot because it was new and amusing. Now iI spend a lot oof my time doing Christmas stuff. And right now picking on you is amusing to me. I'm starting to strike nerves which mmeans success iis uncovering the painful little places you hide from yourself. I'm amused again for a moment.

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  143. Man, forgive me for thinking something completely sexual with the "The Chosen One" 's comment. David breaking anyone's wall I don't see happening :/

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  144. It goes to my profile page, Not my blog page. The two are calculated separately from each other. It also calculates what poems were viewed and how often. My picture had nothing to do with this morning's spike on my poetry page... you're just not clever enough to figure it out.

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  145. "Interesting. You have a different approach than me yet it has similar results."

    It's not an approach. It's just my nature.

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  147. Lol. Oh David. You amuse me as well.
    I'm glad to see yiuve ccollected your cool. The deflection was annoying.

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  148. Hank thinks, the world, of Frank.

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  150. Missus, thanks for reflecting what an annoying fuck I must be to others when I try to "help" them with their psychological issues.

    Might wanna stop focusing on others and look inside at what is so deficient in yours self esteem that you choose to be married to such a lame douchebag.

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  151. David, you are not a socio or you would not be so easy to manipulate here. I put one little thought in your head earlier about MK and you ran with it.

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  153. Ami's like that too. They are two peas...

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  154. Lol, David, going postal doesn't make you a sociopath. Why can't you see that? Repression leading to explosions isnt the same as sociopathy.
    Lets start here. What makes you think you are a sociopath? Indulge us again?

    Fyi, I'm not pretending to help people here. I like being honest cause i tthink people need iit, but don't mistake my motives.

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  155. Lol David I have no doubt you are doubled over in pain. It is not about the suffering, tho. It is about your suggestibility.

    You look outwardly too much for validation. If you were a socio, you wouldnt need it. If you really want to know for certain, why not volunteer to be a psych patient?

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  156. MK that would be why I put "help" in quotations. It is manipulation, not help. Quite obvious at that.

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  157. @Eden

    This movie scene is the first thing that came across my mind when seeing your picture LOL

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=dRa75_Hlr28

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  158. Frank to His Bosom BuddyDecember 9, 2011 at 1:00 PM

    Hola Hank Amigo

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  159. " If you really want to know for certain, why not volunteer to be a psych patient?"

    That's what I'm doing next month. And since I'm craving for validation I'll let you know the outcome :)

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  160. David, unlike you... I've no need for people to tell me I'm attractive, to know that I am. The fact that people tell me all the time that I am, only confirms what I already know. The fact that there are a few people here, so insecure about themselves, they attempt to make me think otherwise... will not change the truth. I know the reactions I get in the real world, are the truth; I live there.

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  161. "Lets start here. What makes you think you are a sociopath? Indulge us again?"

    I steal kids lollipops and enjoy their crying.

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  162. You're one beauty queen Eden, I'm sure you could turn the last straight guy on earth into a 'mo with those eyes of yours.

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  164. David, good luck with that. You might want to make an effort to recover while you are there (since you are clearly no socio). Let them help you work through your ptsd/post abuse issues, your denial of your past traumas, your attempts to compensate for your inferiority complex with false grandiosity. Only if you want to be a real boy will you ever. Until then, you are the world's pinocchio, allowing others to pull your strings while delusionally thinking yourself gepetto and ignoring your jiminy cricket.

    You feel way too much to ba a socio, it is quite apparent.

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  165. OK, so iif im obvious in my manipulation, what's my goal? What are my manipulative motives?

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  166. No beauty queen. I'm very honest with myself about my good and bad qualities. That's why I'm so confident. I don't lie to myself. I'm no 10... but I am attractive. I don't try to bank on my appearance though. Age will work its way through my beauty, and so many years with little sleep, will catch up. I bank on my wits. Focus on sharpening my mind and awareness. Some things I can't change. Genetics are one of those. What I have the power to improve upon... I do.

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  168. "It's not an approach. It's just my nature."

    Well excusez-moi :P

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  170. Only you know your motives MK (if you are self aware enough).

    Guessing? I would say it is a simple game of distraction from that pathetic life of yours and the understanding that you are so unlovable that you settle for a man who cannot love anyone (because it is safer than being with someone who will love you until they get to know the real you and reject you).

    Or you are a total fraud and do nothing but make up stories here. Hard to tell if any of you are genuine.

    We do know that like Haven, Eden, and David, you have ego issues (or you would be anonymous like the rest of us).

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  171. David

    You have inspired me to start learning French, just because it sounds sexy.

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  173. @Sweets

    Did I say something wrong?

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  174. We are anonymous because we don't have any confidence

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  175. Leader of the AnonsDecember 9, 2011 at 1:41 PM

    Anonymous Anonymous said...

    Only you know your motives MK (if you are self aware enough).

    Guessing? I would say it is a simple game of distraction from that pathetic life of yours and the understanding that you are so unlovable that you settle for a man who cannot love anyone (because it is safer than being with someone who will love you until they get to know the real you and reject you).

    Or you are a total fraud and do nothing but make up stories here. Hard to tell if any of you are genuine.

    We do know that like Haven, Eden, and David, you have ego issues (or you would be anonymous like the rest of us).


    This is one fucking outstanding Anon. Shall I put on the Anon theme song in honor of you, Sir?

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  176. To Outstanding Anon
    The Anon Theme Song

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-VILgSsesD0&feature=related

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  180. Eden

    No, actually I am chewing on that nugget right now. I call it an approach and you call it your nature. That response got me thinking.

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  181. @David

    No. I just find it amusing that a gay guy is so interested in whether or not, I'm attractive. You're not in the beauty industry, or in fashion. So the only thing I can think of, is you're insecure about something to do with my picture. Fags can be as catty as women... I should know. Been working around them for 14 years.

    I own a salon for a living David. I know a thing or two about vanity and insecurity.

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  183. Sweets,

    Well an approach would suggest it is thought out ahead of time, would it not?
    I said nature because it is just an automatic thing with me. Been that way since I was a wee thing.

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  184. Ya' know, I actually went out and did what Dave is attempting. I went out and tried to get diagnosed as a sociopath, or the proper term, get diagnosed with APD. It didn't happen.

    I went in knowing what I wanted to say, telling myself I was going to be honest, and when she asked questions, I was calm and collected, spewing the same bullshit others regurgitated and I lapped up like a hungry chick, "I have no problems, I like hurting people, I have no deep emotional connection, blah blah blah", all of that shit I said, and then some. I was actually being honest, but I didn't realize that in all of my honesty I fucked up. In letting her know about how I felt and what I used to do to people in the past she was able to see immediately what I was trying to attempt, and she denied me.

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  188. Eden

    That is what I am chewing on. I do map out approaches with people. Apparently, I begin manipulating and testing from the beginning, I never accepted that truth until now. It is a game, from the moment I meet someone. Well fuck me sideways and call me Nancy, what a nugget that was.

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  189. I also just like telling people that I know I'm attractive. The reaction I get is hilarious! People don't want you to be sure of those kinds of things. They want you to hate what you see in the mirror... just like them.

    I mean isn't that why the whole "projection" argument works so well?

    Every time I've put my picture up here: the same group of people have gone after me. Must have something in common.

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  190. So what will you really do David, be serious and stop with the deflecting. It doesn't work for you, at all.

    Meh, you're alright Eden, nice eyes. I'd tap that, or let you tap me, whatever's clever :)

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