Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Secret identity

I'm trying something new. For the past couple months or so I've been back in hiding. This is different than what I have been doing for the past decade or so, which is to be relatively open with people. If I haven't used the actual word sociopath (except for family and just a handful of others), I've been pretty out about what type of person I am. I would read quotes like this and think, yeah, I want to live this way:
The art of life is to show your hand. There is no diplomacy like candor. You may lose by it now and then, but it will be a loss well gained if you do. Nothing is so boring as having to keep up a deception.
-- E. V. Lucas
See, I had a history of self-deception. And I was always worried that I would backslide into that self-deception and become like a fool narcissist, whom I just personally cannot stand. So in part because I realized how easy it is to lie to myself, and in part because I was so self-assured I enjoyed telling people what I was and still being able to mess with them, I was largely transparent. Of course that doesn't mean I never lied -- I would doubletalk my tongue out. I would never volunteer information, would spin story after story just to see what I would get away with. But sometimes, maybe if someone had figured things out or just so I could get away with more bad behavior, I would sometimes come clean.

I just don't believe it anymore. I used to always think that I would eventually tell people that were close to me. Now I think -- what's the point? If they aren't an idiot, they'll pretty much know who I am without me telling them or giving them the keywords to punch into Google. If they are an idiot, then it wouldn't really help to tell them anything anyway.

There's basically no upside to telling people now that I'm not worried as much about self deception (I have you all to keep me honest with myself) and I don't care as much about "proving" myself, to myself or to others. Call it laziness, or agedness, or shadiness, but that's where I'm at.

434 comments:

  1. I agree. you get to a point where you think to yourself
    fuck it...not much point in saying anything
    and the repercussions may end up being more than opening my piehole was worth in the first place.
    It has been hilarious watching the fellow bloggers all turn rabid detective and suddenly theres this glut of information.
    Its even funnier watching people squirm and writhe trying desperately to back out of anything that has been said. (eh zwark)

    Personally I have no wish to broadcast every little detail of my life online.
    I enjoy a certain degree of anonymity and have always guarded my privacy.
    I mainly do that simply because i dont like people trying to pigeonhole me..or analyse me or think that they "know' me,
    because they usually are so far from the truth its insane.
    Ive never enjoyed having to try and explain myself.
    I dont need to justify any of my actions, however loathesome they may be.
    I do what I do for reasons..MY reasons.
    And like everyone else on this site , my reasons work for me and I dont care if other people dislike them.
    Those close to me know that I am what I am and resist change vigorously. (unless its very beneficial to me).
    Maybe it is shadiness, maybe its a maturity of sorts.
    Definitely an element of laziness in there, but thats my perogative, just as it is for everyone else.
    And hey..its like someone commented this afternoon..a bit of mystery adds to the mystique of the place.
    Works for me.

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  2. Since identity has been such a theme the past 24 hours

    What do you mean, understatement?

    I was goin to ask; "Is there really sa point to anything at all?" but reading the "couple of months" I realized this isn't an existential crisis or depression.

    Instead I ask: why limit yourself? Instead of saying: "I'm going to be less open in general." be flexible! Don't commit to just one idea, do what is best regardless of promises you made to yourself. Right?

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  3. And lol ME...sneaky...very sneaky.
    See how many others get it.

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  4. I have failed to follow the posts recently and hard to catch up since too many posts have been deleted. What masks have been stripped (Erin? Zhawq?) and by who? I actually ask this directly to Erin and Zhawq if that's the case. What do you lose, come clean and laugh with everyone else, act like a socio... Hehehehe...

    On topic... I did not wear any masks in the past and because I was quite weird in many ways no one seem to have believed me. It is incredible as I realize how people were not only choosing not to believe me but also I realize I believed all they said about themselves. The end result is hilarious in many ways. What kept me unphased is I changed no attitude based on the info they gave so none of the manipulation attempts seem to have worked for these people.

    And now I am so sick of sharing everything about me anyways I started to not only hold back info but also make myself scarce because I can't enjoy their masks, fake claims, etc.

    I like it here because even if there are misrepresentations occasionally there are also deep questions compared to in person discussions people undertake. I seem to save my questioning self to SW since it is next to impossible to talk about deep shit in the family or professional circles.

    Now all I want is to reduce my need for depth and focus on playing and enjoying myself without giving a hoot whether they are lying or not.

    I guess bottomline is if worrying about misrepresentation is not worth the gain, let it go. If it is worth the shit and giggles beat your heart out.

    I was impressed reading whatever is left in yesterday's posts in terms of calm and quiet discussions among UKan, Mis, Medusa, etc. Feels so much better when barking is nonrepetitive. Identities are changing and evolving towards different forms in SW. ME's picking the topic from the ongoing discussion is another welcome change I felt.

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  5. people who exposed erin: david, then everyone else

    people who exposed zhawq: ukan, mis, medusa, piles the beaver

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  6. people who exposed erin: erin bc she's a dumbass

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  8. :) This is crazy funny. Thank you, guys. I actually just realized there were over 500 comments and when screening through I saw two links there to Erin and Zhawq.

    I did not think Erin looks ugly at all. At least in one picture I saw I thought she is very cute. I am yet to read more.

    And, Erin, sorry, that was stupid if you did not want to be exposed. David never said, otherwise, since day one that he was a socio. He is wonderful fun but not someone to trust with something like that.

    I never saw David's picture though, did that come out too?

    David, you rascal... We have to take another trip and gossip, it's lunch time here.

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  9. Erin, get rid of the following and close your web site immediately. To suggest that you used all that education to sell your 'psychic' self is a huge insult to both of these institutions. You need to fake it even if you think you are a psychic. Instead get a job doing pyschological counseling somewhere legit. Goodness, you sure are lost and need to be brought back to earth. Don't get mad at me for the harsh truth. I wouldn't have bothered writing if I did not care. If you are lying about your degrees that is another point, but like I said earlier I choose to believe since it makes no difference in my life anyways.

    You need to become a born again Jew. Find a socio rabbi and talk this whole thing out.

    Erin says:
    I proudly graduated Cum Laude with my BA Degree in Psychology from Duke University. My minor for my BA was music, with emphasis on piano and playing music is still a very important part of my life today.
    ... after my graduation from Duke, I decided to study for a Master's Degree in Counseling. I attended the University of Virginia, completing a 2 year program in a year and a half, with a 4.0 GPA.

    I believe my training and education shows that I am very serious about how I combine and apply both my formal training and my gifts when trying to help someone. I have a formal education and scientific background and have studied for many years on how to help people and use my abilities to their best effect. Whatever is going on in your life and whatever you are concerned about, I will try to counsel you and help you find new direction and perspective.

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  11. That's real you? Are you serious? You are very attractive. How tall are you? Why are you posting your face? You guys lost it, why are you guys putting it out there?

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  14. Lol...lol..lol..lol..lol

    and the paranoia continues.
    Such fun.

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  15. This blog is a lovely surprise. For my part, I will say that I hate hiding now that I'm getting closer to 40. Maybe I too, am getting lazy.
    I do realize the consequence of what might happen when you put yourself in a position to be found out, but there has always been the rebellious in me, who wants to dare others to do so.

    The struggle to actually tell the truth about myself didn't come till I sat down, and started writing my memoir. It's ugly, and my Editor and I have an understanding, I will have to reconcile with what I choose to keep in the book, and which to fictionalize, because I go into details about my own abusive nature, instead of just playing my usual victim/survivor.

    She doesn't want me sending mixed messages to my audience, or seem like I'm encouraging dangerous behavior. And I don't want to give information out that would cause my family to question whether I should get to raise my two children.

    What's tempting about letting people see my own beast though, is the opportunity to show that it doesn't always lead to a life of crime, and cliche self-destruction.

    So in my book, I've outed myself somewhat. I want people to know that it's not always as simple as predator vs. victim. And I know this may destroy what people close to me have seen me to be:
    The "Strong Survivor", who came out sane after a lifetime of abuse.

    It may even confirm to some accuser that I'm, "evil". But I really don't know for sure. It's a risk I'm willing to take, because that's how much I believe it is still a story that people can learn something from.

    Controversy can be good, if it's in the name of change. That's why I don't delete my comments, hide my websites, or guard my Facebook, Medusa. And that will not change. The things i tell you guys here, are actually in the book.

    That may seem like a bad plan, but it makes sense to me. It gets me ready for the things to come, when my book finally goes to publishing.

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  16. I for one look forward to my own autographed copy of said book please Eden.

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  17. "I dont need to justify any of my actions, however loathesome they may be.
    I do what I do for reasons..MY reasons.
    And like everyone else on this site , my reasons work for me and I dont care if other people dislike them."

    That's what I go by.

    I don't understand why ME feels the need to be so open. Next she'll be organizing sociopath pride praids. Like I said before don't go around trying to convince people that sociopaths are good people, go around trying to convince people that you're not a sociopath.

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  18. " Of course that doesn't mean I never lied -- I would doubletalk my tongue out. I would never volunteer information, would spin story after story just to see what I would get away with. But sometimes, maybe if someone had figured things out or just so I could get away with more bad behavior, I would sometimes come clean."

    Pathetic.

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  19. There's still some funny shit about Zwang out there:

    "About 15 months ago I realized my clothes had begun to be too small, so one day I weighed myself and saw I weighed about 212lb/96kg. I'm female, 5.6ft/169cm"

    --Puzzelle AKA Zwang.

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  20. "found out that I have a form of allergy - yeast allergy. I'e had it since I was a teen, but never knew it. I've always wondered why my nose runs every time I get outside and walk a bit. But nobody ever answered when I mentioned it, so I assumed no one knew what could be causing it."

    --Zwang

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  21. @Misanthrope

    Sociopath pride parades? That would be fun! We could have parade cars with animals getting tortured and arsonry! :D

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  22. "That's real you? Are you serious? You are very attractive."

    Are you serious ? Looks very shifty

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  23. Yeah we could set a primary school on fire to kick it off.

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  24. You mean: stuff it with bunnies strapped to firworks and then set it on fire!

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  26. Apparently, Erin has finally snapped...

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  28. Lets all start fucking with Erin since she refused to leave.

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  32. Go ahead Erin. I doubt you have it right and if you do I don't give a shit.

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  34. Erin has gone insane...er

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  35. Now things might get interesting :D

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  37. More fucking bullshit DRAMA!
    Do you guys get paid for this shit?

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  38. omg david, you gonna sit there and take that?

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  41. What was erin's website?
    link anyone?

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  44. Erin's site

    http://psychic.fencl.org/

    You're fucking pathetic Erin. Are you seriously trying to intimidate me?

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  46. erin is taking you guys on.

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  51. And back to your usual drival you go Erin. You know I can't believe how old you look in that picture and how child like you come across here. In fact you almost look old enough to have had a retarded 20 year old kid who slotted himself...

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  55. What would your readers think of you visiting a sociopath site and "threatening" people with their IP addresses?

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  57. I thought Jesus said to turn the other cheek Erin. You are the christian psychic after all.

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  59. You have bad karma coming your way, Erin. Posting somebody's IP is nothing short of evil.

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  60. @erin
    please, just go.
    This is getting sad now. Leave and don't come back. You trusted someone on a site called "Sociopath world", and they betrayed you.
    BIG FUCKING SURPRISE
    It proves that you really don't learn, and that time and time again you will be misled by people on this spectrum.

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  61. somebody find erin's ip address!

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  63. I've genuinely been non-stop laughing for about half an hour.

    "I am an open book" Erin, have you ever thought that maybe you should be a closed book?... Covered in accelerant, hanging out at a firework display.


    P.s. I want to see Eden and Lycan fight. Bareknuckle muay thai.... with knives.

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  65. @david
    She was talking about the apostle hahaha

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  67. find erin's ip address

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  68. David the biblical figure then, I couldn't be bothered googling it.

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  71. Ami, put your money where your mouth is. If you are a real psychic, tell everyone here my deepest, darkest secret. Right here on this blog. Right now. This should be a piece of cake for you.

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  72. Either way David, she tried to harm you.

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  76. @ Erin

    Somehow I just can't be mean ...i feel badly for you rather than contempt. Let it go...its out there and done.

    You are seeming desperate. We know you are flawed..clearly we all are. It has to suck to feel so exposed but our wild swinging is making it worse. David did what s do.., gain your trust, lie, betray and hurt you. Cmon...you don;t know this by now? This is not on David or anyone else but you. You take that risk coming here and "trusting" people.

    Somehow I just can't be mean ...i feel badly for you rather than contempt. Let it go...its out there and done.
    BB

    ps...you really do need a better site...

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  77. Ami, you truly are a narcissist, aren’t you love? I said tell everyone here MY deepest, darkest secret, not tell everyone yours. Or, the story you are presenting here to get attention. Which, I concede, is working like a charm. You even got ME to post a picture of you for this blog entry. How does that make you feel?

    But back to your psychic powers… use your inside track with god to reveal Daniel Birdick to the world.

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  80. lol erin dave is gonna tell us where you live

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  81. "I have a heart,Damn it"

    you won't after tomorrow.

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  82. Are you interested in helping anyone? At all? Would you call using your supposed skills as a psychic to convince an arch skeptic such as myself a mere card trick? You could be the one who brings me to faith. All I ask for is evidence. Is that really too much to ask?

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  83. I an not born again..

    @den
    i want to hear the story

    that can't be ME...that would really ruin my image

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  84. bette blu, that's a picture of Ami=Erin.

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  85. @ ami
    do you have analytics? curious where all the hits came from..do tell..

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  86. that was @ eden btw.. not den

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  88. are you gonna show it david?

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  92. what is the point of posting davids ip? people here don't have contempt for him.

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  95. Ami, your lack of response to my simple request was completely predictable. Maybe I’m the psychic.

    The truth is Ami that I would have believed you if you had told me something about myself that I know you have no rational way of knowing without supernatural assistance. It would have changed things for me. But you couldn’t give me any powerful insights and you can’t make any predictions you care to stand by because you don’t actually have psychic abilities. I believe you believe you do. That’s what makes you so predictable. You believe your own bullshit. Or, you try valiantly to. If you were a conscious fraud you’d be playing this game differently. But being an unconscious and unaware fraud, you say and do things you don’t understand. You try to live up to your lofty ideals, you make stupid decisions about who to trust and then you lash out wildly when reality intrudes upon the fantasy you call your life. You are blind. Why do you think M.E.’s post about self deception features a picture of you?

    Ami, love, you have never left the place where your mom molested you, have you? You’re still there. Only this time, you are playing the role of your mom. You fuck yourself over and over again. You create imaginary escapes (acupuncture, psychology, religion, super psychic powers, etc) but no matter what you do, you always end up on the losing end of feeling fucked over.

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  99. david are you sure that address was right? it didn't come with anything

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  107. Ami, that’s why you are here. You know that, right? Deep down, you know that. You keep feeling fucked over while clinging to the false hope that religion, in one form or the other, will save you. That’s what all religions claim to do after all, right? They all promise salvation. Jesus especially. Yet just like your non-existent psychic powers, Jesus offers you no real escape from the self torment, does he?

    I bet it's hard, keeping the despair from sinking in.

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  113. David LOL everyone put that as their picture.

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  117. Anyone here who wants to hurt me isn't in a position to do that. I'd like to see somebody here come after me. And I've got good reason to believe that whatever address you have wont tell you anything useful.

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  118. This is the ZKM guy

    http://twitter.com/#!/suicide_smiles

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  119. God is real, eh Ami? Tell me, how real was he when your mom fucked you up? Isn’t it odd how you have to affirm to yourself how real a being like god is? Is it like a mantra? Do you keep saying to yourself “god is real, god is real, god is real” whenever threatening feelings creep past your elaborate defenses? Shutting reality out was probably one of the first psychological defenses you developed, wasn’t it?

    As for any “feelings” you think you are picking up about me, feel free to shoot M.E. an email. M.E. will forward it on to me. Since you refuse to share them here, that is. You can, you know. If you have something concrete and verifiable on me, something you could only know through supernatural means, why not put yourself on record? It’ll bolster your online reputation is a bona fide psychic with real insight.

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  120. what state is she in?

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  123. Stop fucking dragging it out Dave. Just spill it or use it to threaten are off the site.

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  128. No Ms Miller. Write whatever you have to write here or in an email to M.E. The power of Christ compels you!

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  129. apparently, the zkm guy is an angsty self harmer.

    "ANTI-THEIST,philosopher,super genius schizo,PSYCHOTIC,anti-social,loner,writer,addicted to BLEEDING & PAIN,hopeless romantic, EXISTING DOESN'T MEAN YOU'RE ALIVE"

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  132. Ami, you want David to drag it out. Negative attention is better than no attention at all, right? That's one of the secret joys of being a perpetual victim, isn't it?

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  135. Erin you're delusional. You have no power here. I'm not going to fly out to eastern europe(or wherever) just to snuff Dave.

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  138. Honestly, what is posting their IP's going to do?

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  139. You can post all of my IP addresses Erin. I change it everyday through a proxy so I can go back on Lovefraud.com and other psychopath victim sites. I guarantee you Dave is not in Brussels either.

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  141. I don't care Erin stupid twat. I've already told people here what country and city I live in.

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  142. misanthrope even gave you permission, david.

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  144. Ami, if Ukan or Mis wanted to do that, what makes you think they won’t come after you first? After all, you’re the one threatening all these big, earth shattering reveals. Either put up or shut up. I’m going to go out on a limb here though and predict that neither of them is that interested in you to actually come after you. You are no real threat to them and they know it.

    Lemme guess. You saw me "come on" using your third eye, didn’t you?

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  147. what the hell does it matter if people know your ip adress anyways?

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  148. This is just sooooooo good. We should take the show on the road, ticket sales would be through the roof. Everyone likes a good laugh after all.

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  149. Even if that were true Ami, anon is right. Just how much information do you expect to reveal by posting someone's ip address online?

    I say again, put up or shut up.

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  150. Or, I should say, posting my ip address here, specifically.

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  151. Name: Ami
    born on: Mo, 20 June 1955
    in: Boston, MA (US)
    71w04. 42n22

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  153. "Name: Ami
    born on: Mo, 20 June 1955
    in: Boston, MA (US)
    71w04. 42n22"

    is that right?

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  155. Do you really think you can threaten me Erin? I'm the one you should be scared of.

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  156. wonder what tnp thinks of all this.

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  157. David is not in Brussels Erin. You are just posting shite.

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  158. @Erin

    Threatening people while at the same time saying you're not going to do anything falls in the category of 'extremely ineffective'.

    I am enjoying myself though. ^.^

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  159. That's because she is just posting guesses from hits she got on her website. A lot of people went on there yesterday she has no way of placing them to a account

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  161. brussels is borning

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  162. Ami, your mind is so convoluted. You can’t see it because of the strength of your narcissistic victimhood. It’s remarkable. See, you really do have something to be proud of. Your mom does as well. You are her greatest work of post modern art. (PoMo where are you?) You know, I almost wish I did know you in real life. I’m sure I could find some use for you. It would be so goddamn easy too.

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  163. Erin today is your day. Just like yesterday was Zhawq's. There is no stopping me from smearing your name all over the internet. Even M.E. couldn't find my IP address because it bounces country to country. You can't find my email address because it's not tied to this account. You can't find any username I use, because this is the only account I use it on. You can throw whatever you want at me, but I've been here a long time and know the game you cunt.
    By the time I finish with you Erin you will be begging me to stop.

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  164. @David

    The more you yell that it's just a proxy, the more suspicious I become.

    I mean come now; you have no problem with posting your face all over the blog, but when someone finds your IP you suddenly use a proxyserver?

    And are there any cities in Belgium besides Brussels where enough people are so desperate to get their cock sucked that whoring is profitable?

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  166. Post it. When the location comes up people are going to laugh at you.

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  174. Barf. Erin it's not so much that you've got a poor hand as that you've got no cards to play at all.

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  175. Here is the thing with me.I will NOT argue.I hate it,myself.
    Some people like it but I don't . I have learned to walk away if arguing persists.

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  176. At least we agree on one thing Ami. By the way, the psychic hotline business must not be going so well if you have this much time to spend chatting online.

    This tactic you’ve adopted of submissively agreeing with me is an amusing attempt at deflection. You won't address any of my points because you know I have told you the truth. I imagine you’re also a bit scared that you pushed your "exposing people" bluff too far and now you fear that some people here might make themselves more real to you than you actually want. I wonder how long it’ll be before you lash out again though. Maybe when you sense that no one is paying you enough attention?

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  179. Add me

    http://www.myspace.com/naturalxbornxkiller/photos/21891#%22ImageId%22%3A21891

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  180. Psyche forums has like one sociopath.

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  181. I go to Sociopath World.
    Have you ever been there?
    It is a good dating site

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  182. @Bette

    What would you like to know?
    It's quite a story, and might be right up your alley.

    I'm sure some of the other girlies might cringe, but it may benefit them as well.

    It starts with a boy and girl, who meet each other, in an institution...!

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  185. Awww! Ami, why did you delete your “Daniel you win, I blink” message? It was your most amusing deflection yet. Is defiant, irrationally lashing out Ami about to make a comeback? Or are you still frightened that you pushed too far?

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  186. I'll go on your site again Erin so you have my IP. I want you to post it on here.

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  188. from another sociopath forum.

    "Posted plenty about my previous habits. Just looke around and you'll find them. I like this place, because its full of a bunch of misfits :D
    Ands its nice to talk to people once in awhile. Seeing that I don't have much friends in person. Nor do they share the same interest as me (martial arts/drawing/study). Thats my life, and I really don't share with it with anybody. I have plans for the future and I can't afford to get attached."

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  190. @ Anon
    Where is that site?

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