Thursday, November 6, 2014

My real shape is change

From a reader:

Dear M.E.

While torching my life for like the fifth time, just to enjoy watching it burn to the ground, I kind of started asking to myself ¿Why I do this? ¿What am I?. I peeled layer after layer of lies, that I often tell to myself and believe it, and, in the end, where I expected to find something, there was nothing that I could grasp.
And at this point I had this dream. A high tech company trying to hire me for obscure reasons. It turns out that they have this alien being imprisoned in a fortress building from whom they have been extracting advanced technology. They take me to the core of this bunker, and there it is, an unknown naked woman inside a sort of incubator. I approach it, and suddenly it is no more an unknown woman, but my dead girl of years ago. Ok. I think, this is some kind of a telepathic metamorph that is trying to mess with my emotions, but it's not gonna work, and I realize why they want me to meet this being, because I am a sociopathic scientist, immune to its power of manipulation. We sustain a dialog that I don't remember, but at some point I ask it ¿what is your real shape? The alien looks at me with an expression as not understanding the question, but suddenly its face lights and, with a smile, it tells me "my real shape is change".

44 comments:

  1. My real shape is change

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  2. I think M.E. is ready for change. She is dropping subtle hints that she is
    ready to end the blog. I actually appreciate her consideration of her followers.
    She could easily leave with no farewells and attribute it to her sociopathic
    nature, but she is showing us consideration. I'm thankful that whatever she is,
    sociopath or narcassist, she has suffenct self control that she will likely live a
    long life unless she is in the wrong place at the wrong time. She ought to
    maintain her standard of living unless she suffers a mind altering accident and
    I don't see her giving herself completely to a lover, so she is "safe" in that area
    as well. I wish I knew her complete birth data, so I could formulate a more
    percise conclusion, but this QUEEN AMOUNG WOMEN has a chance for a
    happy life, which is excellent considering the alternative.

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    1. Do you have a shrine to M.E. in your house? Can you post a link to a picture of it?

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    2. Where is Jeffrey Dahmer when you need him?

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    3. yeah i guess she can close now. at least i'm ok with it. i'm done with this.

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  3. Accepting change is a tough one for me. More importantly, accepting change that is outside my control - learning to do that - has been an on going process. I find that I want to split (i.e. burn it to the ground) when things are outside my control - start over to have control again. It's a reset button of sorts.

    But I know that's not exactly "self-constructive," so it's something I work at. And as a parent, it's not exactly the sort of behavior that is conducive to raising strong, confident children - neurotic sociopaths, yes, well adjusted individuals, not so much.

    And it's HARD. It requires that I learn to accept things that I didn't "create." It demands that I shut up, sit still, and listen with humility. And it is essential that I learn not to act on all the chatter that is in my head. All of these are skill that I'm not naturally good at.

    Reading back over some of the long reposts, it looks like things have changed here - there was some serious drama back in the day (if you haven't read through the old posts, it's worth it). I'm not exactly sure why things have changed from those days (haven't read all the history - just enough to wish I had more time...), but this forum is much less vitriolic now.

    The same is true in my life. As I learn to accept change gracefully the drama subsides. I miss it some days, but mostly, I'm learning to enjoy peace.

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  4. The sad reality is that the above author, no matter how brilliant, will likely find themselves homeless or in prison within a few years. Too many people can smell out this level of crazy and there is an unspoken withdrawal from people who let on that they think this way. Sure, sociopaths wear different masks- but psychotic thinking has a way of leaking through and providing small tells.

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    1. How do i stop?

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    2. well, torching your life and letting it burn to the ground five times is something that tends to haunt a person. Because flames touch more than just the mask you wore in those lives- they touch actual people. A sizable minority of those people will store up vindictive rage against you for being careless/destructive to something they had a stake in and should they run into you in the future, they will be inclined to expose you as an untrustworthy individual and will consequently spoil your current operation. Younger sociopaths can coast for a while but it's harder to start over once you hit a certain age if you can't prove to people you are more than a drifter.

      How do you stop? Figure out something that matters enough to you that you don't want to spoil it. That means being brave enough to actually want something bad enough to invest something of yourself in it rather than try to steal it.

      If you say you don't want anything that badly I challenge you to see if what's underneath that boredom is fear of failing. In many ways, sociopaths are like the people in the Staples Commercials that just want an easy button. This is because they don't want to invest too much. To me, that smells like concealed self doubt. Face that, own it, and master it by wanting something badly enough to earn it and protect it rather than remain a perpetual outsider because you can only steal it.

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    3. @ANON: First question, why do you want to stop?

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  5. HLHaller, your post here hits home, so to speak: "And it's HARD. It requires that I learn to accept things that I didn't "create."" I find this learning hard too, so if you feel that you can share more on this, I'd be interested.

    Mach, re 'psychotic thinking' or 'this level of crazy', are you referring to the 1st paragraph in the post (about thoughts) or the second (about dreams). I've had bizarre dreams including other characters that acted psychotic, maybe i've had psychotic dreams too. Does that make me 'crazy'? I've not ended up homeless or in prison.

    On a different point though, I'm curious to know how psychotic thinking can provide small tells -- even when one is not psychotic. I've not run across this idea before.

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    Replies
    1. Hi Doc,

      The most accessible example would be work - I change jobs a lot for an engineer. No small part of that is me "getting fed up" with something or someone or getting bored with the job (and fed up...). Mostly this hasn't been too much of a problem as I've usually managed to do OK with all my moving around.

      But, the reasons - that's where I've had trouble accepting some form of change I didn't initiate - especially when they are on conflict with my goals. That's when I've been known to start acting out - when I am not in control any more. And I split (in more than one way, to resurrect an old hippy term).

      It's taken work (I like to think of it as maturity) but I've learned to go with the ups and downs more. I still cover my ass, if you will, when things are "good" because I know there may come a time when I need to...make a point. I'm still me, but I'm more inclined to work on getting out of "triggered mode" (knives out and venom dripping from my fangs) before setting off the so called "pyrotechnics." And sometimes I choose not to... It's progress...for me at least...

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    2. the first.
      The tells tend to be linked to eye movements and longer than average response times. This has do do with the mental gymnastics of making sure you don't incriminate yourself by using the wrong mask with the wrong situation. Also- looking to the right instead of the left is a giveaway of inventing rather than remembering details and people pick up on this subconsciously.
      Some people can feel intensity that makes the hairs stand up on the back of their necks that you don't realize you exude. It doesn't matter if you are acting relaxed. The level of energy it takes to successfully inhabit a mask is what they feel. Even if they can't articulate why they will always feel nervous around you.

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    3. "Also- looking to the right instead of the left is a giveaway of inventing rather than remembering details and people pick up on this subconsciously". lol Mach, stay away from the pop psychology, and stick with real science :P

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    4. It's one tell that consistently works with my kids. I can always spot the lies. Whether or not it's something pop psychologists say, it is a reality I have independently verified hundreds of times.
      Being a hands on caregiver of multiple children of different temperaments will teach you quite a bit about human nature and the variations of character that exist within it.
      It has always amused me that academia automatically assumes that it knows best when it sees its subjects outside of their natural environments and in segmented time frames. "Real Science" is very helpful but does not have a monopoly on perceiving reality.

      Be well, Dr. Ginger

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  6. You know what, he is what he is... ( the original poster). Find ways to cope , so you don't sabotage everything you've worked so hard for. You need outlets. Hard core ones that will provide stimulation. These can come in healthier forms for your overall advantancement. The other ones that may be not so healthier long term, dip into them short term for fun. Short term play might not sabotage yourself. But give yourself rules and boundaries to follow and abide by. Study yourself, and your cycles. Tap into it and channel it. If you feel your getting some sort of psychosis, then seek a trusted mental health provider. If it's just play, then ride it out and put it away. Good luck alien. Kidding. ;)

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  7. Maybe it's just the feminist in me, but I fucking laughed so hard at that article in maxim :D:D:D

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    1. She forgot #11. Boiling bunnies.

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    2. I thought the picture was an interesting choice..wasn't the glenn close character spose to be a borderline?

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    3. which article in maxim?

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    4. I haven't seen the movie in a long time but from what I remember she acted like she had BPD.

      it was on M.E.'s twitter feed: http://www.maxim.com/art-seduction/10-signs-you’re-dating-sociopath

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    5. http://www.maxim.com/art-seduction/10-signs-you%E2%80%99re-dating-sociopath?utm_source=social&utm_medium=website&utm_campaign=dating%20a%20sociopath

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    6. Glad to see her writing. I enjoyed it too - and I'm a middle aged white guy. 8)~

      Inspires me to play: "You Might Be a Sociopath If..."

      I'll start: If the thought of gaslighting a coworker brings a smile to your face, you might be a sociopath.

      Any takers?

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    7. Oh HL my friend...I have been holding back

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    8. Is this like confessional cuz I will put all kindsa crazy stuff on here :P Seriously though, this site does make me analyze my "pathological" thoughts and behaviors more. It's weird how much I can identify with certain things in sociopaths, and yet not be one. How does that work?

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    9. HL & Dr. Ginger. I wonder how many socios know that they are, or how did you discover that you are someone with sociopathic traits?

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    10. Hi Dr's (it's a...pair of docs! *rim shot*)

      @Doc SciFi: Like a lot of the stories, I've always been different. In my mid 20's (after a particularly hard bender) I went into therapy and got my impulsiveness under control (more or less). Then earlier this year I Googled "spoiled child syndrome" and the next day I bought M.E.'s book, which brought me here. Along the way I realized that BPD fits me.

      @Dr. Ginger: Go to town cowgirl!!! (I can be a bad influence... *smirk*)

      Happy Almost Weekend!

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    11. "It's weird how much I can identify with certain things in sociopaths, and yet not be one. How does that work?

      Hmm...I think it was you that said that BPD's are "part time sociopaths." I thought that made sense.

      I see myself as having roughly three states (for the purposes of this conversation): energized (i.e. hyper-emotional; big reactions typically; often triggered), 'middlin' (i.e. more or less emotionally available and engaged), and shut down (i.e. shallow emotions; unreactive).

      Life has been trickier of late (kids, work, impending holidays, the usual life stuff), so I've been spending more time in shut down mode (to Ma Haller's dismay). I accept this as a reasonable way to function because I work hard at being mindful of what emotions are building up and giving them "appropriate" outlets.

      And, for me anyway, that's the trick: being aware of the psychic pressure to act out and finding outlets that are appropriate - at least within my value system (I have a co worker...). In this way I try to be a bit more directed with the flame thrower, if you will - just burn the stuff that should be burned, not the stuff I care about.

      For you this is "confessional" and for me it's a meeting of "Assholes Anonymous" 8)~

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    12. Boy, I dunno. Isn’t it funny how we still feel the need to hold back on something called sociopathworld? I’ll give one example. You know how in the past it’s come up about borderlines being a bit radical? You don’t want me thinking politically, it’s a dangerous thing. There was an issue at a college, and I exhausted every option in trying to get it resolved. I started thinking politically. Every time I do this, my mind goes to the person who is in a position of power which was the dean, and even though she wasn’t directly involved, and may have not been “fair” that she got dragged in to it, I threatened her with violence. NOT GOOD, and I’M NOT BRAGGIGN, ok? : ) : ) : ) Things changed after that.

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    13. I was struck by the blatant attempt to cast the sociopath as a desirable partner. She plays the "cool girl" card (well described by Gillian Flynn in Gone Girl) in her efforts to seduce the Maxim reader. My hunch is that most readers will be entranced by the idea of dating a sociopath because they will assume that they can "love 'em and leave 'em"… the joke is on them.
      ME knows her audience. That was a masterful bit of seductive prose couched in self-help journalistic speak.

      The world has not heard the last from ME :)

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    14. "ME knows her audience. That was a masterful bit of seductive prose" haha totally, but I laughed at this part" On the other hand, your sociopath girlfriend thinks you look ugly when you cry. If you’re crying because she’s hurt you, she will not apologize. She will get angry. She may even punch you in the face to give you something to cry about." lolol still laughing :P:P

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    15. @Dr. Ginger: Far be it from me to encourage bad behavior (ok...maybe just a little...) - I'm just riffing on the Jeff Foxworthy joke.

      If the sight of heads on stakes make you feel warm inside, you might be a sociopath.

      I sincerely enjoy what you have to say and how you say it - you seem to have a sense of humor every bit as dark as mine.

      Peace -

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  8. i have an important question which i need an answer to from some one who really knows. maybe y all answer and then i can sum it up for myself
    are sociopaths right brained or left brained? based on the studies not on the fact that right side is for what and left side is for what,

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    Replies
    1. --and--

      psychopaths are left brain dominant.


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  9. there is no fucking way someone actually had a dream like that. it just makes too much sense as a si-fi story

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  10. What's not left and what's not right?

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  11. @ jog: psychos r left and i read somewhere socios can b both
    also steve jobs was mostly right brained i guess. dunno
    so, wut do y guys know?

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  12. I'm not eve a "real" sociopath but even you should know that humans are easily fooled because because they see patterns and "meanings" even when there is nothing there. That's just basic swindling. I was just senile brainstorming with words such as "right and left" because I knew you would see meaning when they mean nothing. Those who replied need to go to sociopath kindergarten.

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    Replies
    1. so funny... and what do kids do in sociopath kindergarten?

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  13. In sociopath kindergarten, kids learn to steal toys and make it look like some other kid did it. Three kids in kindergarten. A is a sociopath who wants to hit kid B and make him cry. Sociopath A learns to steal kid B's toy and blame kid C so kid C gets blamed. Then sociopath A gets to enjoy hearing kid B crying (lost toy) and kid C crying (blamed for lost toy).

    Actually, reminds me of teaching high school in a ghetto school and black kid John (pretty sure a sociopath) who liked to get two white girl friends and get them to get into a screaming, scratching, hair pulling "cat fight" with each other for his "affection," while he sat back and laughted and played "innocent" I had known him from before i started teaching and saw him on first day of teaching and had the vice principal pull him out of my class after the first day of class.

    I am not quite a real sociopath, but certainly enjoy screwing over sociopaths when I get the chance. My success rate if perhaps 50%. Just beginner's luck, I guess.

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    Replies
    1. So this is On-line sociopath school for me...hehe how can you recognize socios? what do you mean by you're "quasi socio"? I can recognize them now, the mask occupies mostly the front part of the face while the back muscles remain unchanged, thus the joker's smile reputation, but it happens with all expressions... Oh, and I'm trying to enlist the help of a more senior socio to take on a junior socio... Meaaawwww!!! *nails scratching*

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    2. Not quite a sociopath? You either are able to experience guilt or you're not. What's all this muddling bullshit? Its a black and white thing here. You're either one or you're not.

      Anyway, I share your hobby of fucking over sociopaths. Its like shark fishing. I won't lie, I think I like the adrenaline. I'm gonna get poisoned someday, I'm sure of it.

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