Tuesday, April 8, 2014

Better than before

I thought this article was interesting (interesting enough to re-tweet the quote "We are frightened by people with mental illness." a few days ago) for its discussion of stigma and heritability of mental illness. But what has stuck most with me was the section where author Jenni Fagan talks about trying to get better by just paying attention to herself, her reactions to things, and making fine adjustments that seemed to put less stress on her brain or give her outlets:

[O]ur bodies want us to heal. My injured brain was telling me I had to change how I thought.

So I did. I bought a record player. I made a vow to brush my teeth each morning and not check emails until after I had breakfast. I decided to go out to dinner during episodes of severe derealization. I said I would not wait for my illness. I took train journeys where I thought I would not be able to stand at the end of them because my exhaustion was so severe it seemed I would have to just go to sleep on the floor. I told people.

Am I well? I am better than I was before.

A lot of people have asked me what I find most helpful in dealing with my mental issues. I tell them what has worked for me: gardening, playing music, writing the blog, therapy that is focused on helping me be more in touch with my own self (especially the origins and progressions of my thought processes), alone time, exercise, fish oil, a diet high in protein and fiber, excessive amounts of sleep (induced by sleep medications), not being around strangers for more than a couple of hours a day, being around family, writing, masturbating, being religious, listening to music when performing mental tasks to help me think more linearly, calling people by their titles to remind myself of both who they are and who I am to them and to treat them appropriately, finding relatively harmless mind games to indulge in instead of doing them with people I love, etc. How'd I figure these things out? I don't know, I just tried them and they helped (or tried stopping them and they hurt). 

Maybe I'm just self-medicating with some of these, and maybe in a way that simply masks problems instead of helping them to get better. Maybe some of these things are a crutch that I really don't need. But I don't think the only criteria for whether or not something is a crutch or perhaps an excuse to engage in bad behavior is just whether other people seem to find it distasteful. Some people might disagree with the way that I am religious, say that it is an opiate of the masses and ultimately contributes to my delusional thinking and megalomania. Others (probably not the same people) might take issue with the masturbation or the antisocial or selfish tendencies. And I'm sure a sizeable portion of people reading this will think that playing mind games with people is bad and I should stop doing that right away. But will those same people believe that I can keep exercising and playing music? Probably so, because somehow those are more popular/common amongst people aspiring to live "better". 

Here's the thing: I currently don't think that playing music and exercising are necessarily better or more noble or even more wholesome than masturbating and mind games. Or at least, I haven't yet learned to distinguish between those. Maybe I will eventually. Maybe I will come to see that some of those really are crutches/placebos and should never be indulged in by nobody ever. I am not ruling out the possibility. But I probably won't believe it just because you say it. Because maybe I will eventually learn that music and exercise are actually bad for my mind but mind games are good. Or maybe I should start taking long train journeys. I'm pretty willing to try whatever might help. And maybe I am doing wrong things. Maybe some of you care enough about me to tell me how/why. Or maybe some of you don't care at all about me and hope I get worse and then die.

Relatedly: medicinal marijuana? Legal farce contributing to social and moral decay? Or godsend to suffering souls?

30 comments:

  1. MJ is a godsend. It is so much safer to use than cigarettes,alcohol, or heavier drugs.
    Although it still should be used in moderate amounts.

    I get what ME is saying about the ways she finds to "cope" with her condition. It is hard for me when people are at fault with themselves. I think it my type of perfectionism makes me say, 'If it is wrong, than fix it."


    bipolar empath

    ReplyDelete
  2. More like, the government sees people less content. So they want to slowly give marijuana back, so they can get back control over the docile.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Human beings are composed of a tri-partait nature: Body,
    Mind, and Spirit. To get better, the woman must adress all 3.
    Bodily, she must ween herself from all crutch-like medications
    except the ones she ABSOLUTELY needs to function.
    All empty caliores and junk food must be disgarded. She must
    consume only LIVE foods and grassfead meats. "The Maker's
    Diet," by Jordon S. Rubin, would be a good place to start.
    ALL FOOD EATEN FOR PURELY PSYCHOLOGICL REASONS MUST BE
    ABANDONDED! She must also go for colon hydro therapy,
    because EVERYONE no matter how thin appearing has at lest
    20lbs of unexcreted waste manner in their gut, slowly poisioning
    their organs.
    Mentally, she must be completely truthful with herself, and
    unflinchling examine her thoughts and reactions to all "outside"
    stimuli. She must come to see, that as long as her physical
    well-being is assured, that troublesome thoughts are her
    REACTION to challenges, and the thoughts, are in her OWN mind.
    Her attention must be focused NOT on her "regrets" of the past,
    or her "fears" for the future but NOW. There is nothing to fear in
    the present moment, if you focus on it.
    Spritually, she must accept Jesus Christ as her personal saviour.
    Jesus Christ was God incarnatate, and He absolved her of ALL her
    sins. If she says the following in a sincer heartfelt manner, she
    will recieve the gift of the Holy Spirit and feel a sense of
    connectedness to Almighty God that will NEVER leave her:

    "Jesus, I know that I am a sinner, and I'm sorry
    for my sins. Please forgive me.
    I know that you gave Your life for me, and I
    invite you into my heart. I will obey your will as
    you direct me. Amen."

    Medical marajunia is NOT a godsend. Jesus Christ was the only
    Godsend, because when God sent Jesus, He sent Himself!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm a atheist and pro marijuana... Its good stuff...

      Delete
    2. The god squad arrived.

      MelissaR

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  4. Thank you for such an open and candid post, ME. It helps me to be more authentic, too.
    I hear you about activities. I think I need more mindless activities like being a bookworm. I love it but I stopped because I did not think I was worth pampering with mindless things.
    You have really helped me today. Thank you so much!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. good to see you, Monica. Hope you are well! I have missed you :)

      Delete
    2. Thanks Mach! You, too! I am getting stronger and more confident-- very little by little :p
      You?

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  5. But will those same people believe that I can keep exercising and playing music? Probably so, because somehow those are more popular/common amongst people aspiring to live "better".

    Nope, they prefer exercising and listening to music over ruining people because those activities don't hurt people. Others' support of those activities has nothing to do with the popularity of those activities.

    ReplyDelete
  6. I love everything your doing, it makes me want to cry,because I'm doing the same things with good results!(a recovering borderline with chronic intermittent depression.)
    The only thing I'd change is I'd do Vitamin B injections instead of sleeping medication.(I do do that, and it helps with sleep, energy, brain function, etc.) Religion, spirituality is good, so many great books on the topic.Reading a good book now called Human Aura, How to Activate And Energize Your Aura And Chakras. Masturbation is good, releases stress, relaxes you, feels good, is physiologically good for you. Exercise is very good to. Releases endorphins, increases serotonin and dopamine in the brain, which heightens and improves brain function. Lots of research on the benefits of music on the brain. Working with a therapist you relate to and is helping,wow! I'm impressed! Material for a future book. Congratulations to you and thanks so much for sharing this. It helps fellow 'disordereds' like myself. Thank you.

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  7. Awesome post today. I really needed it too. Its so easy to get swept up by all these jerkoffs in society.

    ReplyDelete
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  8. Acupuncture is also very good for sleep, improves sleep, improves alertness/energy during the day, stabalizes energies in the body,helps balance emotions/mood.

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  9. Chiropractic is helpful. Aligning your cervical, thoracic, lumbar vertebrae, increases blood flow and oxygen to the brain, increases alertness/energy, increases day to day functioning of the body/mind.

    ReplyDelete
  10. Meditation relaxes you and connects you to your body/mind, opens up access to higher states of consciousness, puts you into a beta brain wave state, which is calming to your nervous system. So many 'natural' ways to access our own bodies health and well-being.

    ReplyDelete
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  11. Does doing all of the things that help you make your life routine? If so, what happens when the routine gets broken?

    ReplyDelete
  12. no scheduled routine. I know when I need a swim, massage, time alone, companionship. just listening to my body/mind, it guides me. i do get frustrated when things don't go as planned, but who doesn't? getting in the water;pool, ocean, bath, jacuzzi, relaxes me immediately. stress gone.

    ReplyDelete
  13. I didn't mean @10 you do this, @11 that, etc. More like, when you feel a certain way you do some specific thing. What do you do when you can't do that specific thing? For example, you feel depleted and need to be away from other people but you can't because you're on an airplane. What do you do?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. TEEHEEEEE TEEHEEE TEEHEEE TEEHEE TEHEEE TEEHEE TEHEEE TEHEEE




























































































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  14. Psychopathic goals in life will make most self-destruct sooner or later. Their materialism. Gathering goods & looking young in the mirror. This is what trips them up in the end. The opposite of being "spiritual". Many at the top of their game do weird things like eating buckets filled with mashed potatoes. The void nothing can fill. Some can save themselves by studying similar creatures of the zodiac. Virgoans often are coldblooded, sarky scorpio-creatures with an interesting feature: they don´t want anything. These critters dont want houses, cars, sex, holidays, children, careers or even company. This is their strength. Many are so powerful they could be locked up in solitary confinement for 20 years in a max-prison and come out exactly as they walked in. Youth means little to them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "You're insane"

      "I thought I was a Pisces!"

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    2. TEEHEEEEE TEEHEEE TEEHEEE TEEHEE TEHEEE TEEHEE TEHEEE TEHEEE




























































































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  15. medicinal marijuana yes. its a notable relaxant. i also just got prescribed to temazepam and clonazepam (free healthcare in Canada) which i used to buy illegally so I'm pretty happy.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. TEEHEEEEE TEEHEEE TEEHEEE TEEHEE TEHEEE TEEHEE TEHEEE TEHEEE




























































































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      TEEHEE

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    2. Ahhh TEEHEE a fellow internet troller

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    3. lol Katie, are you a troll? I troll sometimes...it's jus fun

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  16. Is that ME writing teehee? So she was vegitopath the whole time?!
    Its so obvious in hindsight.

    ReplyDelete

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