Sunday, April 20, 2014

Sociopath suicide?

A reader asks if sociopaths ever experience desires for suicide:

I'm going to cut right to the chase with this one.  I believe I might be a sociopath, but I am not sure if that is because I am one, or if I am just trying to search for the easiest explanation for my actions and who I am.  I'll try to give you as many details as I can to help give a full view on my life and why I believe I may be a sociopath as well as why I may not be (If I can remember some reasons I thought of before).  

First a little bit of basics:  I am a 20 year old Caucasian male, and a very logical thinker. 

My whole life for as long as I can remember I have been extremely gifted in lying.  I don't know when it actually started but I know that in kindergarten, I told the first lie that I got caught in by blaming another kid for knocking down a caterpillar in a cocoon in our classroom that we were observing.  I did not knock it down intentionally but I did blame the other boy intentionally.  I knew I could blame him because his mom was friends with mine, so if I told my mom he did it word would get back to the teacher and his mother.  I cannot recall how I got caught, but somehow they found out.  Anyways, ever since then I can recall being able to lie to anyone without it phasing me at all, even if I didn't have to.  

Another trait that I've noticed I have that seems to match a sociopath is a lack of empathy for others.  I have never in my life been able to feel bad for someone else that I know of, or feel proud of them.  I currently have a girlfriend who I love, but I don't know if I love her because of who she is or what she can provide me.  I try to think of the answer and I feel like it's all just a calculation, even though I know I would be hurt if she broke up with me.  I constantly am in arguments with my parents and don't really have anyone I would consider a friend like the definition.  The only time I really talk to a "friend" is if I need something, or I'm bored trying to pass the time.  I can steal from anyone, whether it be a neighbor, my parents, a friend, or a stranger and honestly feel no guilt or remorse, unless I am caught. 

I can also read people's emotions and what they want to hear and/or are looking for very easily. If someone comes to me seeking advice on a relationship, or even just self worth because they are having a hard time I can almost always make them feel better.  I'm not sure if I do this to keep them around, or because I care about them.  The flip side to this is if someone upsets me, I can find the exact way to inflict as much emotional pain on them as I feel necessary, without feeling remorse.  I've almost never apologized, and when I do I don't mean it and just do it because I have to to get something or to stop someone from nagging me.  

The last little bit about myself I'm going to include in this email is that I have a very explosive temper, to the point where I get violent.  I can go from cold to 100% hot and angry in a split second.  The other day I wanted to go get some cigarettes so I asked my mom if I could take the car to go say hi to my girlfriend and drop off some electrical tape for her mom (her mom didn't need it) and when she said she'd just bring me over, I flipped out and threw a ton of stuff, punched things, ended up punching our outside steel door so hard I left dents in it and cracked the frame around the top hinge.  I also have a substance problem, and will really do whatever I can to get drunk or high, except for stupid stuff like huffing gas or something i think might really damage or kill me.  

If you could please get back to me that would be great.  If you have any questions I'm open to answer anything.  Oh, and I forgot to mention the one reason I feel like I am not a sociopath!  I often contemplate suicide, not how but just the thought of offing myself but decide it'd be a bad idea because I don't want to do that to my girlfriend. I haven't ever really tried suicide, I just kind of pondered it because life seems meaningless really.  It gets tiresome interacting with people when I don't really feel an emotional attachment to them.  It's  like playing chess all day every day.  Thank you for taking the time to read this email, and I hope to hear from you soon.

There were a lot of traits that seemed sociopathic to me, but I was wondering particularly about the suicide thing. For me, I don't have a great love of life. In fact I have a bit of a death wish, but it's because life seems so pointless and tedious sometimes, not because I actively feel a lot of suffering. Does anyone else have any experience with sociopaths and suicide?

75 comments:

  1. Pretty textbook traits of explosive psychopathy.

    I'd suggest that, while sociopaths may not have love for an abstract idea of life, they enjoy living if they live in a situation that tickles their fancy. I also doubt whether or not a sociopath would feel compelled towards suicide (note, there's a huge distinction between suicide and extremely reckless death-wish behavior) because there's really no point.

    The only possible way I could see a sociopath being compelled towards suicide would be if they knew, in detail, the ramifications, and the pleasure of the consequences sufficed as a final endorphin rush. I can imagine one slitting his or her wrists and splashing "IT'S ALL YOUR FAULT" on the wall, or taking poison and writing a garbled note blaming someone else.

    Otherwise, no. Sociopaths have always struck me as survivors, in the end: creatures hellbent on placing themselves above others. Whilst this doesn't rule out reckless behavior, I'd like to repeat that there's a big difference between cycling in front of cars and slamming on breaks, and consciously deciding to end your life.

    Just me 2 cents.

    -KB

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  2. Are you fucking kidding me? "I currently have a girlfriend who I love...". I came to the realization that I couldn't actually love another human being when I was 15. By the age of 18, I had stable of women disposing of them whenever their sex no longer satisfied me. By the age of 20, I was sleeping with married women persuading them into conning their own husbands.

    "I don't know if I love her because of who she is or what she can provide me." Get real kid, despite your underlying fascination with sociopaths, you aren't one. You love your girlfriend for the value she provides you, the companionship, the emotions she invokes in you. Just like any average human being.

    M.E., you can be quite comical at times, and I hope you're purposely trying to be so.

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    1. I'm not aware of the etiquette when it comes to congratulating people on their achievements in an anonymous medium. Are we supposed to clap and tell you how wonderful you are?

      -KB

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    2. Haha! Nice one, KB.

      Casanova, being able to seduce lonely, desperate housewives, who would happily spread their legs for a kind word, hardly gives you bragging rights. And those are the only types I see you being able to attract.

      It's no wonder you can't love. You are already so deeply in love with yourself, there simply is no room for another in that poor little heart of yours.

      But hey, all is not lost. You could at least make some profit from those bitches and go to work as a whore :)

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    3. Maybe some socios can "love" another human beeing. The austrian writer Marie Ebner-Eschenbach wrote the short story
      "The Bad" (das Schaedliche) at the end of the 19th century. Obviously it is a story about the family life and a relationship with a female sociopath. She has a child too.

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    4. I'd argue that sociopaths can definitely feel love. I mean, they could definitely feel a deep sense of obsession about someone. It would be a consuming feeling: a desire to stay with a person and please them so as to fully explore them and all they have to offer.

      Socio love might seem more abstracted, more predatory and more clinical than empath love, but I'd argue that the feelings of attraction, obsession and (in rare cases) attachment are no less legitimate.

      -KB

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    5. Coming from a diagnosed sociopath, I don't feel love. I temporarily feel, like you say, an obsession. But once I have conquered the person, the feeling dissipates into oblivion.

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    6. Anecdotally, that is difficult to say. I have never felt love, not even to family. There is no basis of comparison to compare with, so I can't say. That isn't to say all sociopaths don't feel love. Either I am one who doesn't, or hasn't yet.

      ME posted about sociopathic love, which I have never experienced. However, considering the post, it could (possibly) exist.

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    7. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  3. Never in my life have I contemplated suicide. I value my life far too much to even consider it! Yes, I lack the ability to connect with others that almost everyone has. But guess what? Those same people commit suicide everyday.

    It can be a lonely place, but I'm happy here.

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  4. Not a sociopath.

    Bipolar Empath

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    1. I agree.

      MelissaR

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    2. I have thought of it, but out of curiousity instead of escapism. I came to the conclusion that I am going to die eventually, whether I choose to now or don't get to choose tomorrow. Either way, if I left now, I am cutting off future opportunities to experience existence as reality currently exists for me. It would be like using a $5.00 transit ticket on $2.00 of distance travelled. It would be a waste. I mind as well use up the remainder and see what else is out the window.

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  5. Most people ARE commiting sucide but they are oblivious to it.
    It's just a question of fast and open, or slow and hidden.
    When people tire of the slow and hidden method, (A death of a
    1000 cuts.) They may opt for the quick and open method.
    Also death is the ultimate escape. The ancient Greeks refered to
    it as walking through an open door. Hamlet refered to it as
    "To be, or not to be."
    It's a choice that most sociopaths opt not to make because they
    want to taste all of what life has to offer and nothing phases
    them except to be backed in an inescapable corner like Adolph
    Hitler in the bunker, or Jimmy Cagney in the film "White Heat."

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    1. 'Walking through an open door'.....ahahaha how profound. What other kind of door are you going to walk through? And hamlet soliloquy was referring to the idea that if life has turned out to be a perfect shit-storm there's no reason to think the afterlife is going to be any different.
      People are not all committing suicide, what you are referring to is aging, a process which does not require any commitment, condonement or effort on your part at all.

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  6. I'd like to point out that there's a contradiction in what the writer claims. "except for stupid stuff like huffing gas or something i think might really damage or kill me" strikes me as a very clear attempt to put ones life and safety over ones immediate desires (most unlike ME's recklessness).

    He then goes on to say "I haven't ever really tried suicide, I just kind of pondered it because life seems meaningless really", which doesn't really gel with the above comment. At best, one could argue that he lacks a reckless abandon but might have an obsession with dying, in which case I'd posit that he has both psychopathic and depressively apathetic traits, in measure of each.

    -KB

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    Replies
    1. You write that as if you take what a 20 year says as serious.

      MelissaR

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    2. That goes without saying, but it's always better to attack a statement on its intrinsic merit rather than its contextual merit. That comes later.

      -KB

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    3. I've been diagnosed as a sociopath and I think about suicide almost daily because life is long and tedious.. not depressing to me and I've never tried to kill myself but working to live "comfortably" as a dying old man doesn't appeal to me

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  7. "I often contemplate suicide, not how but just the thought of offing myself but decide it'd be a bad idea because I don't want to do that to my girlfriend." Isn't that a conscience?

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    1. Plenty of people ask if they are sociopaths. This can come from a lack of understanding sociopathy and understanding themselves.

      That being said, in the tradition that has become the norm in the blog's comments, a bit of Lucy's Peanuts Psychiatry would say no.

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  8. There have been times when I was under insane amounts of stress for months, where everything was coming apart (failing business & betrayal by decade-long partner) where killing a bunch of people, ending with myself, seemed like the most sensible way to allocate my remaining resources of time and money.

    The root of it was I was "losing the game" in my own eyes.

    But I was able to salvage things a bit, and turn things around in a way where I felt I was winning: started an affair with the ex-wife (so she was cheating on the guy she cheated on me with, going so far as to knock her up, which caused them pain) and salvaged enough out of the business that I had some breathing room to start my life over, at which point my natural instinct to make a mark on the world revved up again, at which point there's no point to suicide.

    I find I can't think of suicide very long without thinking, "I might as well take a bunch of others with me too." It is a bit like ME when she is shopping and she wants to make sure she gets it all done in one trip, without failing to get everything that she ought to.

    ideas of suicide cross my mind - i just don't entertain them much, and I'm not troubled by them.

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    1. Are you a sociopath?

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    2. um, if that's not an example of antisocial behavior I'm not sure what is.

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    3. Why would you "take others with you?" I suppose, if being a sociopath, it would be the ideal time to try out murder (since societal and social consequences are short-circuited due to death). Outside of that, revenge/vengeance against those you dislike would have limited utility - they might die, but you won't live long enough to take advantage of any benefits their resulting death brings.

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    4. Machiavellianempath,

      Um not really that could be borderline shit too, or heck any number of things for that matter.

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    5. That's funny about knocking up your ex-wife. In the state where I live, if a woman is married, yet pregnant by another man, the man that she's married to is obligated to play child support; not the biological father. That's hilarious for you.

      MelissaR

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    6. "it would be the ideal time to try out murder"
      compulsive-bureaucratic traits while having a total lack of love and attachment towards others is a really silly, sick and sad combination.

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  9. I don't know if I'm a sociopath or not. Either way, I don't really care. I only know that I have a lot of sociopathic traits: I lack empathy, I am skilled at lying and manipulating. I'm very charming and make a good first impression (even though it is not the first impression you have to worry about, when you meet me, but the others that follow). I'm very impulsive and disconnected from my emotions.
    But let me cut to the chase. I have in deed tried suicide once (It didn't work out for me, obviously). The thing is, it was not emotional. It was a very rational act. It was simple for me: life is tedious, sometimes, I don't have a great respect or love for it and I didn't felt like I had a purpose or place in it. Others around me acted out very emotionally and tried to find an emotional reason for what I did, while all I had to say was that I don't, particularly, enjoy life. The doctor said it had something to do with my blood and the lack of lithium in it (I was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder, after, but never really felt like it was the right diagnose. But maybe is just me). Still, I think that it has to do with the person, in spite of the diagnose you have been given or gave yourself. It has nothing to do with being a sociopath, being bipolar or whatever. It has to do with the circumstances you are in at a certain moment in your life.

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    1. Is 'im a skilled liar, manipulator and very charming' the SW equivalent of 'GSOH' on a dating site?

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    2. I don't know. You tell me. Ahah.
      I guess, if you like being lied to and manipulated , you can go on a dating site. If you like honest answers, you can come here. Because at least here, people tell you flat that they are sociopaths or whatever; in a dating site you can never be sure ;)

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    3. No, I like lying and manipulating of course. I'm hardly going to be the victim of some nefarious dating scam. But I'm not sure equating honesty with self-proclaimed or actual psychopaths is very astute.

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    4. I wish there was a personality disorder dating site!

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    5. Oh, I think the existing sites are probably pretty rife with cluster b's already.

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    6. Does anyone else see the hilarity in Alex not getting a joke about having a sense of humour? Or in his thinking that people here are honest?

      I needed a good laugh, thanks for that, Alex ;)

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    7. @anon 5:30

      www.nolongerlonely.com

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    8. Bite me, I actually got the joke. And I was being sarcastic -.-'' And you are welcome ;) people are never honest anywhere. Why would here be any different. ahah I was only pointing out that dating sites are usually deceitful. eheh

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  10. As a diagnosed psychopath, I will say that sociopaths can feel suicidal influences and even depression. I had depression for about a year including self harm.

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    1. I also never attempted suicide, looking back I see it as a weak thing.

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    2. Are you really a sociopath that engaged in self-mutilation??

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    3. That's a good point. People can experience more than one mental health issue, and are diagnosed with more than one "disorder". It's quite common.

      MelissaR

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  11. Every institution, drug-rehabilition program, mental health service and prison I have ever entered has asked the same question. 'Have you considered suicide?' I always thought it was a stupid question, how could anyone with the slightest modicum of imagination have made it through all those days and nights without at least pondering the concept? I learned though that is not the correct response and unless you want to begin your sentence naked in the round, ever-lit cells of the psych unit the answer is a healthy and confident 'no sir'. They do not take kindly to existential contemplation in those places, they do not care, and they do not want to be cleaning that shit up.
    I once believed that the ability to keep suicide as an open option allowed me to struggle stoically through the hard times, to keep going one day at a time, always allowing that I could always end it all tomorrow but I can now see that was all just the horrid posing of an obnoxious kid. I have self harmed to an appalling degree and my actions and behaviors will almost certainly lead to a sad and lonely death but I was never going to really make that final move. I lack the fortitude for suicide. Its not the pain, and its not fear, its the commitment part I'm not good at.

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    1. Although I sometimes wish I had gone through with it, when I was young and leaving a beautiful corpse was still an option. It would have been a tragedy, all that wasted potential, most of the memories I left behind would still have been sweet. A couple of decades on and its just sad and inevitable.
      Therefore I would encourage those who are still struggling with the decision to get on with itwhile youth is still on your side. Yolo!

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    2. lol that was so twisted...see what the media is doing to everyone?

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    3. The question is a screener, to see if additional investigation is needed to look at potential markers such as suicidal ideation (which is an UNusual preoccupation with suicide) or attempts, which directly ties to the concern for "harm to self". Being curious of death is not considered unusual - it is actually quite common - but it is of note if it is more than just curiousity.

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    4. Anon, it's good to see you back :)

      I don't see those places as being very interested in any existential contemplation or genuinely giving the slightest fuck.
      They just don't want the hassle and extra paperwork if you did decide to stop simply contemplating and investigate if crimson was a good colour scheme for your cell instead.

      The staff are used to suicide threats being used as a manipulation tactic. It gets real old, real fast. Getting them to sit naked in the ever lit cells instead of any special treatment is going to act as a bit of a deterrent for those drama queens.

      Sounds like you might have some very interesting stories to tell. Would love to hear some.

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    5. Yes, I met one unfortunate young guy in there that had tried that trick. It was his first lag and his cellmate, who had been through the system a few times and knew his way around, convinced him that a suicide attempt was a quick trip to a cushy psychiatric hospital. Of course, where I come from there ARE no cushy psychiatric hospitals. Ahahahaha.
      What there are is circular cells with no corners, possessions or plumbing on a continual 23 and a 1/2 hour lockdown (for half an hour every day they let you into the tiny 'library' room to watch early morning television with all the other loonies), wearing a fireproof poncho that will be stripped from you every night.
      Of course, the other guy had just wanted to get rid of another stupid green cellmate.

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    6. Haha! I bet a stint there would have taught him a few things. Like to say a firm "hell no" when asked if he has suicidal thoughts. And not to blindly trust anyone.
      Valuable lessons.

      Can I ask what you did time for?

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  12. Happy Easter bloggers!!!!!

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  13. I used to be suicidal but at the time I was mostly just hopeless and depressed... like really down.. possibly lack of certain brain chemicals. I was in a bad place. But that's over and that's good. I suggest astral projection suicide. You can do it in any way you want as many times as you like without having to go through with it, AND its fun.

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  14. As far as whether or not the writer of the above article is a sociopath... I don't really think so. Although you may possess sociopathic traits, such traits are common in people, particularly people who were abused as children. But you claim that you don't feel remorse/guilt for stealing, UNLESS you get caught. Even when I do get caught doing anything, I don't feel remorse or guilt. In fact, I don't even know what remorse or guilt feel like, or would feel like. I kind of wish I did, just to understand what that feels like. But it's simply not really part of my vocabulary. I generally avoid doing things that can cause problems with people unless there's a particular benefit (and I don't have much value for material things), but if I have a particular reason to steal something, why should I feel "bad" about it even if I get caught? Anything I do, I do for a damn good reason. And although I have made mistakes out of stupidity over the years (particularly during the periods of my life when I was caught in the grips of drug addiction), I don't really regret those either. It simply seemed like a good idea at the time ("seemed like a good idea at the time" is one of my favorite quotes which truly describes many of my manners of behavior). It is what it is.

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  16. I carefully read the article. Hocus pokus superchicki flick dick believes you're possibly a borderline. Not socio. But I ain't a doc... so maybe get yourself checked out. Specially if you split hot & cold and ranging and destroying ... feeling suicidal with mood fluctuations. And many bpd's lack guilt ..remorse. It's only turned on when they want. The crucifix switch- flick. Night all. Me, I we to church today after so many years .. and i thought of you.... something about the smell of the pews...
    God it gets me into a horney little easter bunny. It was nice to hear the message. .. even though I'd like to jump the hubby. But I pushed all impulses aside and sang hymns instead. Hallelujah! !! Lol happy easter.

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  17. I carefully read the article. Hocus pokus superchicki flick dick believes you're possibly a borderline. Not socio. But I ain't a doc... so maybe get yourself checked out. Specially if you split hot & cold - ranging and destroying ... feeling suicidal with mood fluctuations. And many bpd's lack guilt ..remorse. It's only turned on when they want. The crucifix switch- flick. Night all.
    Me, I we to church today after so many years .. and i thought of you.... something about the smell of the pews...
    God it gets me into a horney little easter bunny. It was nice to hear the message. .. even though I'd like to jump the hubby in the service. But I pushed all impulses aside and sang hymns instead. Hallelujah! ! Lol happy easter.

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  18. I went through a period where I was frustrated career-wise and a little depressed. At some point, the thought of suicide crossed my mind. I stuck my revolver in my mouth, kind of as an experiment, to see how it felt. I didn't feel scared, or afraid, or anything really- but I certainly realized I didn't want to kill myself. The depression kind of abated after that.

    I know what ME means about having a semi-deathwish, especially when things get tedious. One day, a year or so ago, I was having a bad day and I mentioned what I a relief it would be if I just got splattered by a meteor or hit by a truck something. This caused some consternation among my friends, who apparently never have (or at least, never share) such thoughts.

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  19. The though sometimes crosses my mind. It is not that I particular dislike life in general, I guess I live quite a good life. But sometimes it seems so pointless. You're doing something that is eventually going to happen anyway. But I guess I'm just too curious to actually do it, I kind of want to hand around to see what is next. Although sometimes I think like that about death as well, I'm curious to see what is going to happen.

    I think that it is people who really love life and are passionate about life that commit suicide. If you are quite emotionally detached you're not really going to have those strong feeling that would make you commit suicide.

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  20. My narcissist mother is all about preserving and elongating her life. She looks after herself as if she were a precious jewel. No one else merits that kind of care. The idea that she might contemplate suicide is laughable.

    Meanwhile my empath father has long since shuffled off the mortal coil and she did nothing to prolong his existence on earth.

    Who knows why with these people. They are parasites and wil always be with us. The bible says the meek will inherit the earth but I think the parasities have it sewn up.

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  21. I don't really believe in suicide, but sometimes I do contemplate going on a killing spree. Suicide is against my beliefs, although sometimes I feel ending my own life might be preferable to life behind bars. Then again, I sometimes would rather simply be behind bars to guarantee that I will always have a roof over my head and food in my belly. And usually it's when I'm frustrated with my responsibilities in life that I contemplate going on a killing spree. Or simply when people piss me off. I can agree with what somebody else posted that he would want to "take people with him" if he ever killed himself. I wouldn't even kill myself unless it involved taking other people with me.

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    1. "Frustrated with my responsibility". Stop thinking it is other people's fault and you wont be frustrated any more.
      I think much of the sociopath's anger is due to envy.

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  22. I am the user who wrote this article, and thank you very much for all the replies. I must admit I wrote this in a down state of mind, and it was rather sloppy and inaccurate. I did not want to realistically consider i was a sociopath and twisted things in my mind to make it more acceptable to me. Let me take the time to clarify a few things.

    Suicidal thoughts seem to be a big part of what is being mentioned so I will start there. When I wrote this, I don't think I expressed myself the way I intended, reading back on it. I often would think about suicide, not as something I would do, just something that would cross my mind. I have a girlfriend of almost a year, and I feel that doing something like that would needlessly ruin her life. I have hurt her and everyone near me in other ways, but to me thinking back that was not the real reason I would think to commit. I feel that every day is the same and I just have to struggle to get through and they are all meaningless. I see no purpose in life, it all seems like something "you just do."

    Another point that has come to my attention that has been noticed is the "feeling guilt/remorse when I get caught." This was just a horrible explanation to how I feel. When I get caught doing something wrong, I don't feel guilt or remorse for my actions. It is more along the lines of "beating myself up," and being unhappy with myself for screwing up and getting caught. I think about how I could have avoided all of this if I just had done things differently. I don't believe I have ever felt affection or guilt. The things I like about my girlfriend are not emotional, but what she provides. She provides a stable environment for me, and she is always entertaining. If I lost her, I would probably be mad, but I don't think I would be heartbroken and I would just move onto the next girl that peaks my interest.

    In the past few months, I have explored my feelings and thoughts with others and things have become a lot clearer to me. I believe a lot of people who are "sociopaths" also exhibit narcissistic traits which makes them not ponder ideas such as suicide and the monotony of life.

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    1. Hi,
      Thanks for coming in to clarify.

      I'm curious, what do you enjoy doing? Is there anything that you reeeaaally like?

      Life can be a monotonous wasteland sometimes and that's enough to make many people contemplate death. Perfectly normal.
      But the fact that you were that concerned about ruining your girlfriend's life tells me that there is more to your relationship than what you can get from her.
      Sounds like she could be really good for you.

      But you did mention alcohol and drugs. What do you take?

      It is very common for addicts to act rather...sociopathic.
      You will never really know who you are or what you are capable of unless you get clean.
      Would probably help with your temper a fair bit too.

      How can you really even begin to explore your personality or emotions if you are at the mercy of that shit?

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    2. I have been sober for the past three months, and in that time I have gained a lot of insight to who I am. Life still seems boring and meaningless, that's honestly why I like to get drunk or as fucked up as possible but i'm giving this whole "there's more to life if you live outside of the bottle" thing a chance.

      I do feel like my girlfriend is right for me, but at the same time I don't. I can never share these feelings I'm expressing here with her, because who would want to deal with that shit? Although I feel this way, I often get bored with her and consider breaking up with her. It seems she always starts to peak my interest again though and I decide to keep her around.

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    3. Very well done :D
      Takes a lot of strength to get clean and sober.

      One of the reasons I asked you what you like to do is because life is a dreary, meaningless pile of shit if you have no real purpose, nothing to fight for.

      One of my friends from childhood was an addict. She couldn't handle "the tedium" as she called it.
      Once she got clean, we used to talk about what she really likes. Turns out she loves whales and dolphins, so ended up volunteering with Sea Shepherd and fucking loving it.
      Granted, now she won't shut up about whales, but she seems happy. It gave her life meaning.

      So what do you like?

      As for your girlfriend; take it from someone who's been married for 9 years, there is not going to be a person that you will not be bored with and will not want to kill/break up with, at least every now and then.

      She is your girl. It's her job to be there for you. But if you don't share with her, if you don't tell her the truth (start small though), you are not going to know if you can really rely on her to be there when you need her.
      There is one thing I have learned, if they are not there for you at your worst, they sure as shit don't deserve you at your best.

      And you're missing out on a potentially great ally in your self exploration.

      Delete
    4. I enjoy really anything that gets the blood flowing...racing dirt bikes, racing cars (not the best idea), snowboarding, really anything extreme.

      Delete
    5. Mmm...adrenaline.
      Those things are great. But let's face it, they are only fun for a while.
      So chasing a career there is probably not going to keep your interest for long.

      But...keep thinking, keep bouncing ideas, especially off those who know you well and can be trusted.

      Delete
  23. If you are not able to perform "genuine" kindness due to attachement and sympathy to others, what about imaging, they were the most useful persons ever, tomorrow? Or what about an exercise to never talk badly about nobody?

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  24. ""Frustrated with my responsibility". Stop thinking it is other people's fault and you wont be frustrated any more.
    I think much of the sociopath's anger is due to envy."
    ----------------------------------
    It's not so much a matter of envy, or a matter of who's fault it is. What really makes me angry is not so much envy; it's actually the fact that I no longer live my life as a career criminal and am poor as a result. I used to make plenty of money; now I can't find a job even though I have a clean criminal record (I have been charged with felonies before but they have been expunged) and a college degree.

    I simply am focused on survival at this point. I have been trying to leave my criminal past behind me, but if I don't find a legitimate means to take care of myself, it's back to the drawing board. In which case, I will probably commit crimes to survive until I go to prison.

    By the way Writer - I also got clean and sober roughly 3 months ago. Sometimes I wonder why I even bother being clean. Somehow, I'm much more effective at earning a living when I'm fucked up all the time and being a menace to society. Part of the problem may be that I live in the state with the highest unemployment rate in the country.

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    Replies
    1. All I'm hearing is whinge, whinge, excuses, whinge...

      I hear it takes from 5 to 10 years after a conviction of a non serious felony to get it expunged and that all sentences have been completed.
      So I'm assuming it's been a while since you stopped your bungling criminal ways.

      If you were the addict/ small time dealer type that never got a real education or experience and looks like something that crawled off the bottom of a trailer, it will be no wonder if you were to miss the easy money because you are hardly likely to be in demand.

      Might have to adjust your expectations for work, consider moving elsewhere...other options, basically.

      How long since you had a job? What sort of jobs have you gone for and what happened?
      And for that matter, what do you look like?

      Delete
    2. BiteMe - I would like to start off by saying that your arrogance exceeds your wisdom.
      1) It doesn't necessarily take 5 to 10 years after you've been charged with a felony to have it expunged from your record. I happen to come from a well connected Italian family and I had one of the best lawyers in the state representing me. The case was dismissed and my record expunged.

      The felony actually occurred almost 10 years ago anyway, although the case was dismissed and expunged less than 1 year after the act was committed. My uncle is a former attorney general, and I live in a very corrupt state. These things happen.

      Also keep in mind that simply because the only time I was arrested was many years ago, doesn't mean that it has been that long since my criminal activities have stopped. Although I won't get into detail over the internet about my criminal activities, there might be reasons why the feds were keeping tabs on me as part of a RICO (Racketeering) investigation less than one year ago. The federal agencies involved in this particular investigation included State Police, FBI, DEA, IRS, and the Department of Homeland Security. I can't imagine why they were so interested in me, although they had a habit of asking people if they knew of my whereabouts at the time. At this point, I think they have figured out by now that following me around right now would be a waste of their time.

      2) I did get a real education, I have a bachelors degree in computer science and business administration. There really is not much opportunity where I am from. If you don't believe me, you can move here and see what you find.

      3) As far as adjusting my expectations for work, or considering moving elsewhere: Up until I got into a head on collision on the way home from work a month ago, I was doing physical labor. My expectations for work have indeed adjusted based on my needs. And since I don't have a car at the moment, I can't simply move elsewhere. Since the head on collision was entirely the other drivers fault, I did get a big check from the insurance companies, and my lawyer is helping me get as much money as I'm entitled to by law for medical reasons.

      4) It has been only a month or so since I have had a job. Up until approximately one year ago I was a system administrator. I have made a lot of money in the past - although I always lived a reckless lifestyle and managed my money poorly. Even though I have worked legitimate jobs, that's not necessarily where I earned most of my income. And when you spend many years earning tons of money you can't simply put in the bank, you usually develop a lifestyle of spending all your money on things you don't need (generally things that there are no solid traces of, like taking friends out, drugs, prostitutes, etc - which can add up very quickly if you do these things to an extreme). It can be difficult to imagine how people can make a ton of money and simply spend it all. But these things happen all the time. Is it foolish? Yes. Then again, mistakes have been some of my most enlightening teachers in life. The reason why I left the lifestyle I was living was mainly due to realizing that it wasn't the most productive life to live. Particularly considering I do have a valuable college degree and can focus on a career that won't land me in prison. Unfortunately, there really isn't much opportunity here. Also, I used to have a lot more resources available to me because of my family... but my family has been torn apart the past couple years due to all of the things that my family has been involved in. There's a story to tell for pretty much every member in my family, although I'll keep those stories to myself. Basically, life has been a rollercoaster.

      If you want to know what I look like, I would be happy to meet you. It wouldn't be the first time I met somebody from this blog in real life ;)

      Delete
    3. Hmm, very interesting indeed.
      You sound a lot less pathetic than you did in your previous post ;)

      Sure, things like that might happen if you have connections. Not exactly common, now is it?
      And I did say I assumed it's been a while since you stopped your *bungling* criminal activity. Meaning you either got better at it and didn't get caught, or stopped. Immaterial, really.

      A few questions;

      If you were only arrested once for the one felony, which was dismissed, then why did you say "felonies" that had to be expunged?

      If you were steadily working until a month ago and just got a big fat check, why were you whinging about being poor and having to focus on survival?
      After all, if you have current experience and a willingness to settle for...not just ego boosting jobs, the money would keep you going until you found one.

      And sure, your family afforded you opportunities and resources, but it doesn't sound as if that's the case anymore, so maybe a fresh start is an option after all. Cars are not that expensive. I'm sure a " big insurance check" would cover at least a clunker and some start up money.
      Fortune favours the prepared.

      As for moving to your state or meeting up...I'm quite happy in Australia, but do enjoy having a fb friendship with several people from this blog.

      Delete
  25. "If you were only arrested once for the one felony, which was dismissed, then why did you say "felonies" that had to be expunged?"
    One alleged act can constitute more than one felony charge. Moreover, even if you're not convicted, there's normally records of the event. As soon as you're indicted (which comes the day of the arrest, not the day of a conviction) on charges, you can usually find them online. I suppose I may have been using the wrong terminology, but I'm not a lawyer.

    Moreover, the issue of being poor is relative, I suppose. Most of the people I have been living with lately have less money than I do at the moment. But cost of living is very high here, even though the unemployment rate is the highest in the country (which is also part of the reason why the crime rate is very high here - it's very difficult to support yourself here without either a decent job or a criminal lifestyle, or both). Also, even "crap jobs" are very difficult to get at the moment here due to the high rate of unemployment; there's a lot of competition for those too. It's likely I will at least find a crappy job before I run out of money, but it's not guaranteed... and as you say, fortune favors the prepared. So I'm mentally preparing myself in case such opportunities do not arise.

    As far as the car is concerned, I did buy another car only a month ago. But it turned out to be a piece of shit and already broke down twice, so I hired another lawyer to help me get back the money I paid for it. That process can take a little while though, so it's difficult to say exactly when I will get back enough money for another car.

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  26. You are really an italian, so many words!

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  27. "For me, I don't have a great love of life. In fact I have a bit of a death wish, but it's because life seems so pointless and tedious sometimes, not because I actively feel a lot of suffering."

    M.E.~

    I've no idea if this matters to you in the slightest: but, for the record, I am glad you exist in this universe. I'm not a sociopath, at least by your definition, yet your writing has helped me understand myself, opened new conceptual doors, and relit my self~confidence and intellectual activity after years of dormancy.

    If you've a death wish, I respect everyone's right to what Nietzsche called "the free death", but I selfishly hope it doesn't consummate itself. Then again, I enjoy walking on narrow highway dividers between lanes of speeding traffic for the excitement, so I'm not precisely in the stone~throwing business here. I believe in doing things exceptionally well.

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  28. You people amuse me with your comments, thinking your opinion matters and that anyone gives a shit what you think.

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  29. A lot of times I would convince myself that I was doing things for other people. As I got older I realized it was a double-think lie because I knew I was supposed to care about other people. Now I don't care that I don't care. Using people is second nature.

    Additionally, I contemplate death frequently but would never actually kill myself. I just find it fascinating how people react when you talk about death...especially your own.

    ReplyDelete

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