I'm going to cut right to the chase with this one. I believe I might be a sociopath, but I am not sure if that is because I am one, or if I am just trying to search for the easiest explanation for my actions and who I am. I'll try to give you as many details as I can to help give a full view on my life and why I believe I may be a sociopath as well as why I may not be (If I can remember some reasons I thought of before).
First a little bit of basics: I am a 20 year old Caucasian male, and a very logical thinker.
My whole life for as long as I can remember I have been extremely gifted in lying. I don't know when it actually started but I know that in kindergarten, I told the first lie that I got caught in by blaming another kid for knocking down a caterpillar in a cocoon in our classroom that we were observing. I did not knock it down intentionally but I did blame the other boy intentionally. I knew I could blame him because his mom was friends with mine, so if I told my mom he did it word would get back to the teacher and his mother. I cannot recall how I got caught, but somehow they found out. Anyways, ever since then I can recall being able to lie to anyone without it phasing me at all, even if I didn't have to.
Another trait that I've noticed I have that seems to match a sociopath is a lack of empathy for others. I have never in my life been able to feel bad for someone else that I know of, or feel proud of them. I currently have a girlfriend who I love, but I don't know if I love her because of who she is or what she can provide me. I try to think of the answer and I feel like it's all just a calculation, even though I know I would be hurt if she broke up with me. I constantly am in arguments with my parents and don't really have anyone I would consider a friend like the definition. The only time I really talk to a "friend" is if I need something, or I'm bored trying to pass the time. I can steal from anyone, whether it be a neighbor, my parents, a friend, or a stranger and honestly feel no guilt or remorse, unless I am caught.
I can also read people's emotions and what they want to hear and/or are looking for very easily. If someone comes to me seeking advice on a relationship, or even just self worth because they are having a hard time I can almost always make them feel better. I'm not sure if I do this to keep them around, or because I care about them. The flip side to this is if someone upsets me, I can find the exact way to inflict as much emotional pain on them as I feel necessary, without feeling remorse. I've almost never apologized, and when I do I don't mean it and just do it because I have to to get something or to stop someone from nagging me.
The last little bit about myself I'm going to include in this email is that I have a very explosive temper, to the point where I get violent. I can go from cold to 100% hot and angry in a split second. The other day I wanted to go get some cigarettes so I asked my mom if I could take the car to go say hi to my girlfriend and drop off some electrical tape for her mom (her mom didn't need it) and when she said she'd just bring me over, I flipped out and threw a ton of stuff, punched things, ended up punching our outside steel door so hard I left dents in it and cracked the frame around the top hinge. I also have a substance problem, and will really do whatever I can to get drunk or high, except for stupid stuff like huffing gas or something i think might really damage or kill me.
If you could please get back to me that would be great. If you have any questions I'm open to answer anything. Oh, and I forgot to mention the one reason I feel like I am not a sociopath! I often contemplate suicide, not how but just the thought of offing myself but decide it'd be a bad idea because I don't want to do that to my girlfriend. I haven't ever really tried suicide, I just kind of pondered it because life seems meaningless really. It gets tiresome interacting with people when I don't really feel an emotional attachment to them. It's like playing chess all day every day. Thank you for taking the time to read this email, and I hope to hear from you soon.
There were a lot of traits that seemed sociopathic to me, but I was wondering particularly about the suicide thing. For me, I don't have a great love of life. In fact I have a bit of a death wish, but it's because life seems so pointless and tedious sometimes, not because I actively feel a lot of suffering. Does anyone else have any experience with sociopaths and suicide?