Wednesday, April 16, 2014

What am I?

From a reader:

Over the past couple years, I’ve begun to think I’m a sociopath, and the most frustrating thing about being it, is that I’m alone in a way that normal people could never even begin to fathom. Granted, I rarely feel "lonely" anymore, but in my heart I know that I am, and always will be, TRULY alone. I will NEVER know [again] what it feels like to long for another person's company, to miss them when they are not there, or to be excited to see them once more. I haven't felt any of that in years. I can't even remember what it feels like. I will live and die alone, forced to watch every person around me chase that high that only emotions can deliver... that I'll never be able to feel... That’s what I mean by alone, I often wondered if other people felt like this and just acted happy to see an old friend because it’s the normal thing to do, but ever since I looked into the human condition of being normal, it quickly dawned on me that me not giving a shit about anyone or anything that doesn’t affect me wasn’t exactly a normal thing.

I’ve often wondered about ways in which I could convey this feeling of total emotional emptiness. Easier said than done though, how can you tell someone who has, say the ability of speech, what it’s like to be unable to communicate with the world? If you told someone to think about it, they could maybe have a rough idea but they’ll never be able to truly understand. But here’s the funny part, I just don’t seem to care about my inability to feel real compassion, I don’t think of it as a loss, or a disadvantage, I have a sort of… indifference towards it, or usually I see it the total opposite nothing more than a gift of clarity and reason, the only way I could ever describe it is if I use my life as an example, because I’ve never really known anyone to feel this way before

I've got a lot of friends. Well, acquaintances, rather. People like me, and not just because of some strange charm that a lack of feelings is meant to give. True, a good bit of my charm is superficial, and yeah, most of my social interactions feel forced or even downright faked, but people like me for a different reasons. Despite my less-than-human existence and my inability to form emotional connections, people are always drawn to me when they need help or advice, I used to think I was pretty emotional before I realised I was only doing it because I felt like it was easier than saying “sorry, but your problem’s a load of crap and the fact you haven’t figured out how to sort it out yet, despite the fact it’s staring you right in the fucking face. Is totally yours to deal with, mainly because now that you’ve told me all about it, it’s not interesting anymore and so I don’t really give a flying fuck.”

But no, people are drawn to me because I know how to listen and care (when really I just know how to pretend to listen and care, when really I just don’t). More than that, I know how to listen without judging. I'm not clouded by petty, trivial emotions, so I don't look at other people with the same silly emotion-based prejudices that everyone else does. If I like someone, I accept them for all of who they are, the good and the bad, but it’s truly unconditional. I can be "friends" with anyone. 

So how can I let people see my reasoning, well think about all your friends. Think about how you feel about them. Hold on to that while you read this next part: 

I've got friends that I've known pretty much all of my life. I've got friends that should be closer than family. I've got friends that have been through hell with me, who would show up at my beckon call if needed... and that bothers me... a bit... because I'll never be able to return that.

It's very hard to explain, but no matter how much I want to want other people, I never do. No matter how much I want to need to feel close to another human being, I never do. No matter how much I want to be human, I never am.

I don't miss people when they walk away. Not anymore. Out of sight truly becomes out of mind. And I do almost feel bad about it from time to time, but it doesn't change. It never does. People walk out of my life and it feels as though nothing has changed, I recently moved to the other side of the country and I won’t be able to see my friends (with whom I’ve spent the everyday with for the past 9-10 moths with, probably about 19 hours day with, whenever I was up, I was with them) and now that I’m gone, they all say how much they miss me, but I just don’t miss them, at all, or even my parents for that matter.

I remember I had to go to a funeral a year or so ago, and it was for beloved family member, someone that I “loved” and “cared” for a lot, but she was a very nice lady, caring, compassionate person. But she always knew I didn’t care for that, and always treated me as an equal even from a young age. I liked her a lot for it, she was the only person who ever treated me the way I wanted to be treated, just let me get on with my own thing (mainly games, television and smoking, once I started last year, she was the only one who didn’t really mind it). She was one of my favourite family members, the more I researched into who I was and sociopathy as a whole the more I thought that she was one, and recognised even from an early stage that I was as well.

But when I found out she died, I felt... nothing. Most of my family were standing around fighting tears or shamelessly crying and I felt cold and empty.

They say I don't feel guilt, but I almost do. I felt what could have been misconstrued as guilty that day. I felt guilty that this women I liked and came-as-close-to-caring-about-as-I-could died and all I could do was think "wow, that's... sad… I guess."

And a few moments later, it was as if nothing at all had happened.

I know I'm a different. But am I right for thinking I’m a sociopath?

49 comments:

  1. Is it possible for sociopaths to go from "feeling" to "unfeeling" , like the above reader is describing?

    If so, is this not a defense mechanism that can be dealt with and lessened by therapy?

    ReplyDelete
  2. He's clearly too emotional to be a sociopath. God, what is wrong with these people?!

    ReplyDelete
  3. This person doesn't know how fortunate he is!
    IDENTIFICATION is the CAUSE of most human misery.
    After all, the person IS dead. You won't be seeing them again.
    The old friends are a thousand miles away. You're unlikely to see
    them again either. What connects you to them NOW? Only your
    thoughts ABOUT them. Your THOUGHTS are the cable connecting
    you to them. So, if you don't identify with your inaccurate
    memories about them, you are free from SELF OPPRESIVE, self
    pitying memories about them. That's MENTAL HEALTH, NOT
    SOCIOPATHY.
    Just don't be like the father of the man who wrote the book:
    "American Desperato." He was driving across a bridge when
    stooped by the stalled car of a person in front of him. He
    promptly threw the driver off the bridge. There's no call to do
    that. If you can "moderate" your sociopathy and make it WORK
    for you, THE SKY IS THE LIMIT! Look where Bill Clinton is now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Interesting that so many people think Bill Clinton is a socio. What about Hilary, is she one too? Why does he stay with her? And what about Chelsea? I thought sociopaths tended to have lots of children, he only has one. What's that about.

      Delete
    2. Bill Clinton has likely fathered many children but I'm guessing Hilary made him get a vasectomy after one too many women needed to be strongarmed into an abortion. Bill is a narcissist because he's very dependent on approval. Hilary definitely displays some sociopathic traits (calm under pressure, Machiavellian reasoning) but I am not sure she's a true sociopath.

      Delete
  4. Yes, definitely a sociopath. Really good description. I would say you are a young sociopath since you still have friends. By the time you reach 50, you will have no friends.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well as a young sociopath i must say that is gratifying to hear (sarcasm). I guess I always knew though that I would die alone it does not bother me.

      Delete
  5. For someone who claims to not have any emotions how come this sounds like nothing but overblown drama?

    MelissaR

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What specifically do you think sounds overblown and what sounds dramatic? He seems pretty matter-of-fact to me.

      Delete
    2. He's writing to someone about how lonely he is.

      Delete
    3. Their is nothing dramatic about that though. Writing to someone about your loneliness not sure how that is dramatic he seems very straight to the point. It is an observation he is making.

      Delete
  6. Sounds like depression.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Well welcome to socio-land population: Some number

    ReplyDelete
  8. I am pretty sure this person is not a sociopath. My empathic side completely relates to what this individual has expressed. The year following my divorce I completely lost the ability to cry. My emotional experience was almost identical. Yet I retained a persona of being empathic and a good friend, but it was hollow. Not calculated for manipulative purposes, more because it was a default setting, not unlike the tend and befriend reaction to trauma many people (esp females) experience.

    What "cures" a broken heart is to take the time and space to feel grief. You may argue that there is non but I disagree. True sociopaths have the seeds of sociopathy within them all along. What is described here sounds like an adaptation to trauma. Trauma doesn't always present in dramatic ways, like war flashbacks. It can be a wound more akin to a dull ache that originates ion feeling misused for many years and not having an outlet to express that disillusionment.

    This person can only consciously function when the mask of a false self is in place. I don't say that with condescension- I say it with recognition. It's a place where raw emotions like fear and sadness do not intrude.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What makes you so sure this person is suffering from trauma as opposed to a sociopath?

      Delete
    2. This person displays far too much concern about a lack of emotions. There's a resignation to an understanding something is missing rather than a smug superiority. The writer appears to view the lack of emotions as undesirable.

      Delete
    3. I know a sociopath who recently felt a nagging sense that something isn't right. She got worked up about it, fell into denial and so on. Really pathetic to hang out with her: she is questioning if maybe she's psychopathic, while admitting that she's done a lot of things that rule out normal psychology: gotten people fired for thrills, substance abuse, prostitution while being completely glib and untroubled. And then doing the typical thing: reasoning that since she hasn't killed anyone, it can't be all that bad, and what's the point in seeing a shrink anyway, it would only be a "bad move" that might cause blowback later - and not realizing that that's how a psychopath approaches the possibility of being a psychopath.

      I suspect the root of the nervousness is due to the hyper-competitiveness encountering a problem that can't be solved by scheming, striving, etc. and the sneaking fear that there might be something terribly flawed with one's mind.

      A lot of normal people go around feeling bad about being sinners, people that might hurt other people due to greed or carelessness. A psychopath doesn't naturally care about these things - there's always something to strive for, and those concerns naturally drop away. The "attention deficit" of psychopathy explains the conscienceless.

      If one finally gets the sense, "my mind might be the problem" it is a bit like a guy that hallucinates thinking, "maybe it is all in my head." Of course, you can't disentangle things and sort them out. It is a disturbing thing - even for a psychopath.

      In particular, you realize that you haven't been running things the way you've felt. It is a bit like a mischievous cat: watch him as he schemes and moves around the house, looking to get into trouble and have fun. If he could talk, he'd tell you he's choosing to prowl around and have fun. From the outside, you think, "you are a cat's cat, and that's why you do what you do."

      When a psychopath realizes he's a psychopath, there's a lot of surprise and some serious (for the psychopath) discomfort - a bit like an alcoholic discovering that, holy shit, I'm an alcoholic. Or a trusting patsy discovering, holy shit, I've been a sucker. The psychopath is used to looking at people and thinking he knows what they are. When he looks at him self and realizes he's missed it all along, it is a real shock.

      And the shock isn't "oh no, I've hurt others and myself by being reckless," but more like, "I really thought I had it all figured out, but I've been a fool."

      Delete
    4. So the trusting patsy has something in common with the psychopath afterall.

      Delete
  9. This doesn't add up at all. Here we have a really lengthy middle section that goes on about how this person doesn't feel a thing but doesn't care about that fact. So far so good, but the whole thing is bookended by worry and doubt stemming from a deep and scary existential crisis the person seems to be experiencing.

    Seeing as there's a pathetic number of comments at the time of writing, you the author are probably reading this, so here's an opportunity to address you directly. Yayyy! You write "anymore" and "never again" just a bit too much to be accidental, so I'll take the bait and ask: what do you mean? There was a time in you past when you were normal?

    You say you don't care very much at all, but it's clear to me you care very much about this label. And there's too much guilt (or "almost" guilt - whatever that means, do enlighten us), way way too mush guilt for a supposed sociopath. So here's my pronouncement, this label of sociopathy, is a way being different, an attempt to seem edgy or 'cool' (you know, socios are in vogue at the moment), much in the same way as taking up smoking was. Not that this is an inherently bad thing, and if even half the things you wrote about are true there's definitely something 'wrong' with you (but by the sounds of it you're still young, and teenagers have a lot of emotional bullshit to deal with, it comes with the 'job'), but you came here wanting feedback, and here it is: you're (probably) not a sociopath.

    ReplyDelete
  10. this story is incredibly similar to me and I do at times believe myself to be a sociopath but then at the same time I also believe myself to not be and that something else could cause this what ever this is I am interested to see what other people say or react to this defiantly going to keep an eye on this post for a bit

    ReplyDelete
  11. Entirely too much of that rings true to me. I especially like the bit about 'wanting to want' things. A desire for desires. If only there was some motivation, some inborn drive that others seem to possess, I might be able to feel happy as I pursue and achieve my ambitions. I think we share a stable depression. We are aware that we used to enjoy things, we once felt happiness, but we've wandered so long in a desolate emotional landscape where the peaks are gone and valleys abound.

    I have been craving and courting adversity, in hopes that racing down into a pit will provide me the momentum to soar up out of it and reach some blissful height. I relish challenges. I think everything is easy or impossible, and when faced with the impossible, the stress of the situation sharpens me, struggles that appear as steel are cleaved as easily as butter. I think I crave such things because they give me that rare boost in self-esteem that allows me a moment of pride and joy in my accomplishments.

    If my rambling has revealed anything, it's that perpetual low self-esteem leads to a mild depression that produces the apathy pervading our lives. You won't find happiness externally, something needs to change within you to recapture that feeling. You are not a sociopath, incapacity is not an excuse you can use. Keep up the introspection, try and hold onto the memories of when you were happy, and try to determine what has changed within you between then and now. The answer is there, not out here!

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sounds like a depressed sociopath. Things will get better, there are many ways to use emotion (everyone has emotion everyone just experiences/uses it differently). Learn how to increase your personal power, raise your vibration you will feel better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yes, try to be worst than never again... you are a piece of nothing, T M.

      Delete
  13. I've noticed sociopathic types who actually do have some level of feeling when younger, and as they age ( their sociopathy develops), that feeling lessens, or disappears. The writer made it very clear he/she doesn't feel anything for family or 'friends'. I thought it was pretty clear. I've been observing a young, potential sociopath. Saw her friend say to her,'you say something really mean, then your a nice girl.' It's interesting to watch these patterns people have at various stages of the life cycle and observe their manifestation.

    ReplyDelete
  14. lizard brain,dead eyes,hollow folk.

    ReplyDelete
  15. I donno I try to train myself into being appreciative vesus angry or apathetic. I am hollow but I want to make use of these people in my life and I want them to be happy but yeah I want them to go out and do their own thing and make their own lives, and rule the world themselves instead of coming to me.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm actually very much in the same area as M.E here but except in one factor, anger. I only feel rage when it comes to emotions. Every other emotion is more like playing part. For example, I was at carnival with my girlfriend and we decided to go on a ride similar to the spinning teacups at Disneyland. When the ride started I was just sitting there blank faced and bored, this went on for a few seconds, until I realized that she would question me about it. So I faked having fun but when I did I was actually having fun, I decided to test it again, and like at first I was bored and emotionless, and then easily switched it back. When people talk about emotions and psycho/socio-paths, this is what they mean.

    ReplyDelete
  17. blank faced and bored. a common expression on a sociopaths face. who's to say anon 858 wasn't able to 'fake it till you make it'? do you think he's really not a sociopath? do you think he really did have a good time with his girlfriend on the ride after trying to fake it? Even non-socios fake it sometimes. I think everyone's had the experience of a day starting off bad, but then deliberately deciding to change things up and turn it into a good day. That's fake it till you make it. We all do that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not when it's everyday

      Delete
    2. And the day didn't start off bad as you say, I was just bored and didn't feel like having her question me why

      Delete
    3. O.k. Does that mean everyday you feel empty and blank? It was my understanding sometimes you do experience happiness? And that you do sometimes enjoy the company /conversation of others. Please explain and enlighten me on your true experience. I really want to know and understand.

      Delete
    4. What I'm trying to convey is that I have complete control over all of my emotions, the only one that I don't is anger but I can usually stifle it pretty quickly. But I can easily switch my emotions on or off and I can also increase them. For example, if I'm angry, I can easily make myself more angry. This goes for all my emotions. M.E mentions this in her book, that she can do the exact same thing. As for the company of others, yes I can enjoy other people, namely friends. But I still don't feel anything for them, I lie to them every day. Even then I switch the main group of people I hang out with often. I get bored of people easily.

      Delete
  18. I think I feel lonely sometimes. At least, every now and then I'll make a decision to go out and meet new people.

    The OP may or may not be a sociopath, but some of what he is describing sounds similar to schizoid personality disorder.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Anhedonia, possible major depressive episode.

    ReplyDelete
  20. I think the guy who wrote this is Romanian.

    ReplyDelete
  21. "Genuine articles" hate other people deep down, most people. Simple as that. Its not a case of no friends, boo-hoo. Some folks have earned their respect or have sentimental value. These are not hated but tolerated. Dead-pan folks can care for their children or old relatives with genuine interest, these are seen as THEIR children, THEIR dear old relatives. THEIR stuff. Its gets kinda "personal", almost like when a Scorpio (the zodiac sign) gets hired in the grocery store and a robber comes in and demands all the money. Even if the scorp has been firmly instructed by the company to step aside & let the police handle such events...things may become very "personal". THEIR role, THEIR responsibility, THEIR vanity.

    ReplyDelete
  22. i dunno i dunno. wouldn't a true absence of any kind of feeling be a kind of peace? even feeling dead is feeling. feeling "nothing" is like you're trying but nothing's reaching you. like the cable is out and you're forced to watch a blank screen. but not feeling, that's freedom. or feeling, but not forced to follow it. you're just this pure awareness.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Based on my experience with others, it seems to me like there are different forms of psychopathy including a form of psychopathy seen in borderline personality disorder. Certainly violence seen in borderline personality disorder can be taken to the level of extreme seen in violent psychopaths. Based on what I have read about Queen Mary, for example, I think she may have had BPD. She was known for being quite cruel and sadistic. This is an interesting academic article I came across that talks about the different subtypes of psychopathy. I thought maybe others here would also be interested:

    http://link.springer.com/article/10.1023/A:1021137521142

    ReplyDelete
  24. I like lonely. I Like being alone. I like being with people too but mostly I like being alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like fucking. I like fucking alone. I like fucking with people too. My cock is Huge, I took my Viagra and must explode now. May I explode on your cunt, titties and you receive my gift offering to you please? Or drink offering? Whichever you prefer. I like big asses too.

      Delete
  25. Thank you for your article. Yes, you are a sociopath. I recognise so much of the same evens from my life. My big tip, take all that shit and "being normal" and let it go. Just let go. Embrace the socio within. Go with the flow, its very transformative. So what if your alone. The truth is your are alone amongst empaths. Because they don't understand you, nor you them. But other sociopaths do understand you. we can come together and work in a pack, like wolves, but mainly we are solitary creatures. We like,... nay love our peace and quiet. We prefer it when people don't try to get in our heads. We can be highly social, but also need our space and solitude. Accept it, work with it and move on.
    - A fellow Socio

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thirteen colors of bloodApril 17, 2014 at 4:09 AM

      Amen.

      Delete
  26. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=EoA6HqLai-Q

    ReplyDelete
  27. The sociopath is one who controls his emotions. Therefore, there is the idea that they are not capable of feeling emotion sincere way. Well, this is true but do not necessarily want to indicate that they can not feel emotion, but they can have emotions like anger, love, disgust, in a controlled and can be used in a useful way, the good way itself. I see some sociopaths, and autistic as the future of humanity, the rest is quite primitive.

    Gottlieb

    ReplyDelete
  28. Disgusting people. That's what you are. This site try to paint you like human beings, but you aren't. You vision is only a projection of your desire. You are not the future, but the end.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Well, I'm not a sociopath. I'm just visiting. I find this very interesting site because of my current intellectual dip in psychology.
    But I think that to deny humanity to a group of people because you do not like it to be inhumane.
    I'm sure not all sociopaths are bad people, they can have bad thoughts, but what makes the character of a man is his actions, not their thoughts.

    There is no end to evolution, so yes they can be the future of humanity, as can happen otherwise. What I see however is that many of them are masters in the art of situational adaptation.

    Gottlieb

    ReplyDelete

Comments on posts over 14 days are SPAM filtered and may not show up right away or at all.

Join Amazon Prime - Watch Over 40,000 Movies

.

Comments are unmoderated. Blog owner is not responsible for third party content. By leaving comments on the blog, commenters give license to the blog owner to reprint attributed comments in any form.