Saturday, April 26, 2014

Auteur

A friend recently called me an auteur. She meant that I seem to do things my own particular way, "you are so essentially you. You have such an M.E. signature. You leave an M.E. wake." It's interesting to think about it in those terms, it made me curious about the definition and origin of the word auteur, "an artist whose style and practice are distinctive." Literally meaning "author," it originated as a way to distinguish certain filmmakers whose unique style and artistic vision pervades their films, despite the many other participants in the process. Those filmmakers are the "author" of their films in ways that most filmmakers simply are not, due to lack of control or influence.

I wondered, if I am an auteur of my life, than what is my distinctive signature? I don't feel particularly definite, particularly rigid, or concrete in my beliefs or personality characteristics. My friend is right in that I do happen to have a set of preferences, though, and my choices always reflect those preferences. Although some of those preferences line up with decisions that others based on morality, I wouldn't say that it is a moral code anymore than you could say that Woody Allen's films are uniquely his due to his particular moral code, although it certainly would have some influence.

I don't know how I acquired my value system. I imagine that every aspect of it was once a choice, although it has been so long since I made those choices that I have long since forgotten how or why they were made, or even the very fact of a choice being made in most cases. I guess I just chose to be the way I am because I preferred it over all other options, at least at the time. There's nothing objectively hierarchical about my choices, no inherent judgment as to the choices of others. It's just what happened to happen due to a confluence of events (and genetics).

Recently I was flying over wooded areas demarcated by winding rivers. I wondered at the lack of logic that informed the flow of these rivers. Some of their path was obvious, avoid a hill here, follow a low land there, but some of it was absolutely random. I wondered at the initial water drop that moved in one particular direction over another, making a bend in the river. Maybe a little pebble forced it one way instead of the other, maybe even something as transient as the foot of an animal. The moment before was a universe of possibilities in which the water could have gone any number of directions. After, the cohesiveness of water molecules combined with the ease of repetition meant that every other water molecule would follow suit, self-reinforcing ad infinitum until the universe of possibilities added up to exactly one result.

We talk a lot here about what certain things must mean about a person. If you look at the end product without analyzing the process, you might be tempted to infer any number of different "truths" about a person, project any number of generalizations based on your own experiences, despite how paltry they are when compared to the universe of possibilities. The truth is that human behavior so often defies definition and explanation that any attempt to take such a pursuit seriously seems ill-fated and ignorant. I have been realizing lately that this futility in achieving real understanding applies equally (if not more so) to attempts at acquiring self-knowledge.

In other words, the more I learn about myself, the more I realize how little I know about everything.

69 comments:

  1. I don't know anything about myself, I become what the situation needs. I think I'll die with the same self knowledge that I have now, none, but that's not a bad thing.

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  2. In other words, the more I learn about myself, the more I realize how little I know about everything.

    Oh, indeed. Cultivating a perpetually open mind towards others, as well as oneself, is an intensely pleasurable discipline that makes for a more attentive eye and ear. You experience being with all your senses, so that you're neither confined to your head nor cut off from your body, and drop beneath the placid surface of what is not to the noisy rawness of what is.

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  3. Truly resonate with this. M.E, I think to some degree everyone is distinctive for all the reasons described in your beautiful prose. Yet given any other set of conditions, the dormancy of that predictability could totally contradict in a manner that no machine or collective intelligence would. Sometimes I feel that redundancy or functionality are just the binary facets of our goal setting and result orientation drive. If only time could allow us to explore the rest, then maybe we would be able to transcend our compulsive urgencies to grasp at absolutes and come up with new definitions of our gestalt.

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  4. are u a fragile tortured artist locked in a downward spiral or a sociopath

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  5. ^Case in point^

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  6. i just broke my neighbours rabbits neck and skinned it and gutted it and left it on the lawn for their looser brats to find when they do their easter egg hunt now thats fucking art not this faggot shit about cosmic pebbles

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    Replies
    1. @7.30
      Even sociopaths cant stand these never ending narcissistic "lets talk about me" proposals.
      But whoever encouraged ME to start a blog, keeping the socio busy with himself is a practical aproach to protect society from other harmful traits.

      Delete
  7. "are u a fragile tortured artist locked in a downward spiral or a sociopath"

    If you are refering to me, then no. I'm not interested in music or arts.

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  8. Adam, I am sure you have many interests. What are your hobbies?

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  9. "The truth is that human behavior so often defies definition and explanation that any attempt to take such a pursuit seriously seems ill-fated and ignorant."

    Well stated M.E.

    Yes, the first step in awareness is to have the acumen, humility and courage to explore the nature of truth. Human beings are inherently creative. Nature and circumstance will shape and mold us, yet it is exercise of free will which is the chameleon aspect- the ultimate playland. Some of us will create lasting legacies, some souls will choose to live in boxes, and some will go mad. Life does not care.

    The omnipresent aspect of life is like the periodic table of elements in chemistry. Thus individual expression is a multitude of combinations of possibilities. Just a glimpse into this can drive one into ecstasy or madness.

    Pure awareness can thus not as defined as just the pursuit of TRUTH, BEAUTY and GOODNESS or GOOD vs. EVIL. Pure awareness is a fierce encompassing and terrifying loving embrace of everything as it is.

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  10. One trick of "manipulating" one's understanding of truth . . . . to be completely comfortable of SPACE or EMPTINESS. I have posted this before. Read on to the Buddhist take on the whole show.

    http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Emptiness

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  11. shut up you boring bitch

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  12. Perhaps you require faggot surgery on your empty head.

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  13. perhaps you require a good old fashioned beat down, whore.

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  14. I prefer the new fashion beatings, more creative.

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  15. And If I get to wear one of Medusa's animal fur coats and my choice of weapons is a cat of nine tails I perhaps might be game for a duel.

    Choose your weapon.

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  16. i'd choose a katana, cut you up reeeeaaal nice. if we're bringing guns into the picture, i'd go for th AK. classic and reliable.

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  17. i'm gonna poison this bastard

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  18. old fashioned beats new fashioned. these days you see punks prancing in the street like faggots. all you gotta do is sneak in, sneak in and get em, and don't let them get back up.

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  19. Now there is some creativity in the universe of possibilities.

    Location.

    Remote Caribbean island?

    Shall we have it filmed?

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  20. ok, i just built an old timey salloon out in the desert. i've got two revolvers, and a bottle of whiskey in my system. lets fuckin do this, bitch!

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  21. I know just the outfit to wear and I already have a well travelled leather cowboy hat to match. We need an audience for this wild wild west duel, though. Adam can be our travel agent and arrange the details for a SW duel fest. He doesn't seem to have any hobbies. Perhaps this would be an inspiration.

    You are fuckin' on!

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  22. I'm into fashion and money.

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  23. don't keep me waiting to long or i'm gonna wonder into vegas and shoot some random peds.

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  24. Patience is a self-maniputive virtue.

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  25. http://www.usatoday.com/life/2001-05-31-warsaw-heroine.htm



    There's a great cartoon with her pic being sent around. Can't find it

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  26. anon 431 am

    bip/bpd/n/fuckd/good one, at that

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  27. human behavior so often defies definition and explanation that any attempt to take such a pursuit seriously seems ill-fated and ignorant. I have been realizing lately that this futility in achieving real understanding applies equally (if not more so) to attempts at acquiring self-knowledge.

    Yes, this is what I am trying to get out there to others.

    Whereas it really is a practical tool to have definitions (and thus a certain generalization of phenomena), it tends to become hampering of human creativity.

    When that happens, we have the X-factor, the deer's footprint which turned the tides.

    You're right, it's futile to seek self understanding if by that you think you will find an absolute truth about yourself. There is no such thing as absolute truths, all we have as a social species is consensus.

    I tell myself my reason to keep learning about the world and my relationship with it stems from an inherent TRUE Zhawq SELF. And it works because I know that too is a tool.

    This is one of your absolutely better articles, M.E.! I like that you can be versatile in your expressions.


    In other words, the more I learn about myself, the more I realize how little I know about everything.

    And you know (of course you do), that last sentence is a well known trademark of gained understanding, new knowledge acquired.


    Adam's aunt,

    Yes yes, we ALL know that!! He's the eternal looser, it was quite apparent right from the beginning when he started posting his childish garble.
    (No wonder nobody likes him! HA!)

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  28. Adam,

    Here's something for you, boy:

    "I don't know anything about myself, I become what the situation needs. I think I'll die with the same self knowledge that I have now, none, but that's not a bad thing."

    That is the highest level of self understanding you will ever gain:

    That you have absolutely none and never will acquire (that means 'get') any self understanding.

    I am am saying this because I think you're right when you say that's not a bad thing.

    Truly, because if you really understood the depth of how victimized you are and how obvious it is to us, you would most likely kill yourself, eventually.

    But then, maybe that too wouldn't be a bad thing.
    You're a victim, and it shows, you' broken and not very smart, and that makes you boring.

    The damage is almost complete, and I foretell that it won't be long before you finish the process yourself.

    Just a few words of truth, Adam.

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  29. not many people like you zhawq, you're mocked all the time. you're a bit of a joke around here.

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  30. Anonymous, I don't know you. And I don't know what you're talking about.

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  31. Hey guys, Aspies and Sociopaths are alike in this sense.

    It seems neurotypicals like to group together other neurotypicals. Aspies and socios don't fit in at all, and as a result people just put them in their own separate category.

    It goes to show how overrated social groups are in general, in social situations like school and work.

    ReplyDelete
  32. Self quote:
    "Anonymous, I don't know you. And I don't know what you're talking about."

    But I know a hell of a lot more about how others see me than you do. I am VERY well liked, here as well as in the Offline world. That has never been an issue for me.

    On the other hand: Yes, there're also those who don't like me. In fact I am pretty much hated by just as many as I am liked or loved by some.

    That doesn't bother me though. Why did you write this? You think you can hurt me, is that it? Lol

    You've better up your performance quite a bit if you're to achieve that. It just so happens that I am very, very hard to hurt, and for a very well known reason: I don't feel that much about anything.

    In all honesty, no one has ever gotten to me by saying they don't like me or by trying to ridicule me. It's water off a goose's feathers.

    That's part of my 'condition'. I'm a psychopath, as I'm sure you're aware (since you think you know so much about me). I wonder how you think you also know what everybody else feels about me. A puzzle, that - or maybe not...

    You're speculating based on a few posts made in the past, most of which were written by - guess who? That's right: Adam.

    Yeah, that's a source we'd want to listen to when it comes to telling who is liked and who isn't. You're an idiot!...

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  33. Jason,

    You're right, it is a neurotypical obsession to categorize everything and everybody.

    However, I don't think we can say Social Groups are over rated, unless you mean in the sense of being true to oneself, and being yourself.

    In that way social groups can actually be damaging. But we also need socialization, as a species.

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  34. You seem a little self obsessed M.E.

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  35. i'm only saying what i see zahwq. if it really is just "water of a goose's feathers"(yeah, you're an odd fellow) then you wouldn't get so defensive. i don't care about your condition either, and i'm not interested in hurting you.

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  36. Please find a new sociopath and stop cyber-stalking me, Aspie.

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  37. Please don't be retarded anonymous.

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  38. chicago song"

    is that the real ending in terms of what is on the original album?

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  39. me, I think one keyword in title would be fine... 2 is tricky

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  40. Everyone has a purpose, not everyone knowns what it , but the answers come when your not looking, so may you all be aware and blessed tonight wih more then you realized you had.
    No joke it's my heart's desire.

    ReplyDelete
  41. @Zhawq lol I get those comments all the time. I've looked at it this way. If I can get you to hate me then I can get you to love me. I just have to flip the coin. The opposite of love is indifference. Of course the most hated person in a room is often time the most powerful.

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  42. Soulful Path:

    Patience is a self-manipu[la]tive virtue.

    It truly is.

    But it is also one of the virtues that represent the greatest challenges to people on our kind of personality spectrum.

    And when I say 'our' kind of personality spectrum, I mean it in the widest sense, because I know not everybody who have an interest in Sociopaths (and psychopaths, i.e.) are sociopaths or psychopaths, strictly speaking.

    No doubt many will find this odd, coming from me, myself diagnosed with close to the most serious label there is in this respect.

    Which brings me back to...


    Anonymous,

    i'm only saying what i see zahwq.

    I assume zahwq is me, *s*.

    You see what you believe you will see, Anon.

    Your personal impression of me is that of a not very nice person, who can be very odd at times, who sometimes ignores the other posters, and who sometime attack individuals.

    There's nothing strange about that. You, like most common people, remember the bad things others do and say, and you make assumptions based on single individual's posts unless others openly oppose them.

    You also take silence from the rest of the community as a sign of confirmation, which is obviously a grave fallacy... something the comments at my own blog, as well as the emails I have received, speak their own clear truth about.

    I have said it before: I am not here to gain sympathy or to be liked. But I do hope for some intelligent conversation, and when it is absent I become indifferent.


    if it really is just "water of a goose's feathers"(yeah, you're an odd fellow) then you wouldn't get so defensive.

    This statement tells me how little you know about psychopaths.

    Being accepted or being liked is a means to an end, as is being disliked, hated and/or feared.

    On this board I am showing my psychopathy without the sugarcoating or trying to act as if I am anything else than what I am.

    And this is what so many people (also on this board) don't understand, because they have romanticized ideas of what a sociopath/psychopath is and how one should behave.

    To a psychopath being liked or not means nothing in itself. We are not after emotional gratification other than the satisfaction we get from power, and power is all about control.

    Tell me, what can I gain from making you like me? You, another reader who post your opinions on a blog comment board, and who I will never have any relationship with other than here?

    Answer: Nothing.

    When you think I am defending myself, I am merely taking the opportunity to dabble a bit in one of the most defining psychopathic features that I have: The impulse to hurt others.

    And I don't hurt them because they hurt me, I hurt them because they give me an excuse to do so!

    In reality I am completely indifferent towards the attackers and their words as such.

    You neurotypicals keep insisting on believing that psychopaths can be hurt by something you say.

    In this respect you are much more limited than we are, because we understand that you're emotionally dependent upon how others look at you, whereas you will never understand that we really are not emotionally attached to anything at all. And you can therefore never really hurt us other in a most superficial way.


    i don't care about your condition either

    Then what are you doing here, addressing me?

    Either way, maybe others will gain a little understanding from what I have shared with you here.

    And that was my intention: To tell others about psychopaths and how we think.

    Ps. This is a cross-category blog and not exclusively about sociopathy. It's meant to cover a spectrum, which is wise of M.E., since there's a lot of overlapping in between labels.


    and i'm not interested in hurting you.

    Good. :)

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  43. tik:

    "Everyone has a purpose, not everyone knowns what it , but the answers come when your not looking, so may you all be aware and blessed tonight wih more then you realized you had.
    No joke it's my heart's desire."

    Thank you, tik.

    One can always rely on you to be positive when everybody else are negative and antagonistic.

    Happy Easter!... '^L^,

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  44. Kesu:

    "@Zhawq lol I get those comments all the time."

    Yeah, there's hardly anybody who haven't got some shit on this board. Anon's attack on me today was actually very convenient because I' in a good mood but was beginning to grow bored. :)


    "I've looked at it this way. If I can get you to hate me then I can get you to love me. I just have to flip the coin."

    Exactly. ;)


    "The opposite of love is indifference."

    You have good sense, Kesu. Not many understand this. They think Hate and Love are opposites, but they're both affection and as thus they're similarly useful.


    "Of course the most hated person in a room is often time the most powerful."

    That is often the case. But I find that just as often the real power is more subtle. Obviously the visibly powerful position is held by someone the true holder of power approves of.

    Taking the visible position of power is an energy consuming act, which is why I choose my place and time carefully. *s*


    Ps. I've noticed, Kesu, that you often have some very good insight on psychopathic and sociopathic personalities, which most others do not show. It's good to see.

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  45. @Zhawq figure heads are loved. That is why they are figure heads. For the most part they are useless people inept and unable to get the real jobs done. The real power holders are almost always feared. Even respect is an aspect of fear. We "respect" those that we consider equal or greater. In the same way we fear those that we consider greater or at least able. Of course when talking to a sociopath we generally fear no one and have respect for very few if any. We also don't idolize anyone. When you look at it from the stand point of respect you can see the reason we don't is part of the grandiose self images we have. No one is bigger badder or more able. So we see no reason to fear and since we are above all we have no reason to respect. In many ways that idea taints any act of kindness I do. The way I look at it is that I'm a god and moving water from a lake to a persons lips is as simple as moving my hand. Should I choose to smile down upon them.

    Though this is a bit off topic from yesterdays post about manipulation. I've always found the best manipulations are like acts of god. When done right everyone knows you did but has no idea how.

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  46. Ii thought that zhawq doesn't get bored.

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  47. Anonymous,

    Yyou thought, yyou thought...

    They are only words.

    Shall I rephrase, just for you, my friend: I was beginning to grow bored.
    Rather, I was beginning to enter that state of mind that I call 'Need for Inspiration'.

    Others call that 'psychopaths' proneness to boredom'.

    But guess what those same people call it?

    'Psychopaths' Great Need for Stimulation'.

    I'm sure you can see why the two would mean one and the same thing to neurotypicals. I myself am a bit more versatile in the way I categorize my feelings - even if they don't happen to include empathy and remorse.

    You should read M.E.'s article of today again, and then re-read these comments. It's about truths and definitions and the fact that there aren't any absolute truths.

    But you may call me a psychopath! lol


    Kesu,

    what you say about motivations for being nice or kind to others reminds me of a loooong flame debate that went on at a forum for AsPD'ers.

    These people could not get it into their heads that a psychopath can choose to be nice to others, simply because they were unable to decipher the reason in the situation.

    I have a friend who went through the same thing under even more ridiculous circumstances, also on an AsPD forum.

    Apparently there was no hidden motive, because he hid it too well. And in the minds of others that meant he was not a psychopath.

    It was the first time we both went public or even told anybody about our condition, and at times we would fall off our chairs from laughter, watching the way people react when a psychopath stops hiding behind a mask.

    That, and that only is the reason why people can't comprehend me and keep trying to index me... usually as everything else but what I am: A psychopath.

    It was a good experiment, and we were confirmed in what we had of course already expected to be the case. Still, you can predict as much as you like, experience precedes it all. That was what we learned.

    Indeed, sometimes it's really fun to be alive. Haha


    "I've always found the best manipulations are like acts of god. When done right everyone knows you did but has no idea how."

    I used to make jokes about this when I was younger. But eventually I realized others didn't find them as funny as I did, so I stopped talking about it.

    Here though, it's a good point!... '^L^,

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    Replies
    1. Zhawk (and other sociopaths on this blog), you say sociopaths do not get hurt. You do not get hurt. But when you blow a fuse, when you become so angry that you lose control over your actions (from others perspective) or perhaps more accurately when you become so calm in your anger that you feel you can do anything, do you not equate this as a reaction to being hurt?

      OldAndWise

      Delete
  48. @ Adam's aunt:
    Ha. I have an old friend who told me her boyfriend once started poisoning a roommate (w/ rat poison!)who had become a free- loading squatter.

    I had been trying to convince her he was a little sumpn sumpn, but she had none of it. Then again, she's a bit sociopathic herself.

    This denial thing goes along way in sustaining the strangest relationships.

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  49. no, don't rephrase, zhawq. i know what you meant so don't try and bullshit me. i'm not interested in your backpeddling. :)

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  50. Beta leaders are figureheads and can make even bigger messes than megalomaniacs. Think Murbarak, Gorbachev. But at the end of it all, leaders just come and and go and provide mission objectives for drones.

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  51. I suppose M.E.will be leaving us soon, That was the intended
    objective of the THEE HEE rubbish man all along.
    This infant can appear on the blog and disrupt it at will.
    Other sociopaths feel it is so "quaint" because he is a "comrade."
    At one time he contributed constructive postings to the blog, so
    most of the regulars liked him out of famularity. Now, his unstated
    objective is simply to destroy this blog and to hurt M.E.
    His methodolgy isn't even good sociopathic. It's more borderline
    or even histrionic.
    M.E. wanted to do a good thing here. How said the likes of him
    will suceed in destroying it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You sir, are painfully retarded.

      Delete
    2. I thought it was pretty funny. Thee hee rubbish man.... Lol

      Delete
  52. "I wondered, if I am an auteur of my life, than what is my distinctive signature?"

    How come you didn't ask?

    MelissaR

    ReplyDelete
  53. MR 18yr old socio

    Genetics could only be blamed for temperament, not personality or character.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Genetics influence neurological development. Certain areas of the brain don't develop properly or fully, such as the amygdala and parts of the orbitofrontal cortex. These areas are responsible for things such as emotional processing and other higher functions. Because of the difference in "wiring", development is significantly influenced.

      And remember, it is a combination of genetics and environment.

      Delete
    2. MR 18yr old socio

      Indeed Bob. Character is what we make of ourselves given the environment & genetics. Lack of character would then be, to not bother to improve what the environment & genetics have made of us.

      Delete
  54. To some a philosophical outlook weighs more on the choices that they make, than an emotional one. And vice versa.
    Sort of like running on a statistical engine coupled with a logical one.
    All human traits derive their existence from a balance between these two.
    Where that balance resides at a given time, shifts with development.
    Where that balance is broken, development dictates as well.
    Testing all the boundaries is a mark of an artist.
    Always a growing one.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some humans are very unbalanced.

      MelissaR

      Delete
  55. Sociopaths, They always fail to intimidate me; Especially in Sociopathworld. What a shame how you Sociopaths turned out to be for me.

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  56. It would be best for all Sociopaths to be identified and Imprisoned for having a predisposition to do evil.

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  57. It really is pitiful for people here using Socio as an abbreviation like it was a cool thing.

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  58. SOCIOPATHS FAIL TO INTIMIDATE ME. WHAT A SHAME HOW YOU PEOPLE TURNED OUT. WHAT A SHAME, I EXPECTED MUCH MORE.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. MR 18yr old socio

      Are you a real sociopath for real? I think we're on the same page then...
      & sorry about the 'socio' thing, seems like it bothers you; truth is I started writing it that way because i tend to be too filled with ideas to comment that I'm too impatient to write the complete word. Saves time.
      If you're a sociopath I'm sure you'll understand.

      Delete
  59. Wonderfully written, M.E.

    ReplyDelete

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