Monday, September 26, 2011

Desensitized

Sometimes I hear people say that they were "born this way," whatever way that happens to be. To say you are born a sociopath or born gay is like saying you were born smart or born tall. Yes, you may have the genetic predisposition to be smart or tall, but the existence of feral children is an important reminder that no one is born any of those ways, that we rely on the most basic daily interactions, nutrition, culture, education, experiences, and myriad other influences in our development to become who we become. I realize that "born this way" is just shorthand and I've used it too, but I think it is sloppy and often masks some of these other important influences.

Was I born to charm? Born to harm? I wasn't necessarily even born to speak or wield a weapon. So how do we get there? What makes some of us different from others. Obviously it has a lot to do with genetics, but it also has so much to do not just with our our experiences, but in what particular order and when in life we experienced them. It's through our experiences that normal gened people can be desensitized to things like killing, and sociopathic gened people can be sensitized to things like being aware of the needs of others.

I intentionally sensitize myself to things all the time. When I studied music, I sensitized myself to minute changes in pitch because I played a fretless string instrument and needed to be keenly aware of pitch to play in tune. Now it drives me crazy to hear musicians playing out of tune. It's not just that I have a more discriminating taste than I used to, I actually have a very visceral reaction to pitch problems to the point that I can feel nauseated.

Things that used to shock me no longer do through repeat exposure, and vice versa. I know that my genes might predispose me to the way I think and interact with the world, but I also take full responsibility for the amount of control over the rest. Every day I am in motion, sensitizing myself or desensitizing myself, constantly reshaping my brain, making and breaking habits, making myself more less inclined to act or think a certain way.

I am careful what I do and say, what I allow myself to think and daydream about. It's not always because I am worried about external consequences (would I do these things if I were sure to not be caught?), but rather internal consequences. How would doing or thinking that thing change me and is that someone I want to become? I'm all too aware that we are what we eat.

On a related note, I don't expect to look or act exactly like other sociopaths because I haven't made the same trillion decisions in the same order that they have, even if we might share a particular gene sequence. Via my exposure to the myriad variety of sociopaths and other personality types that I've run into on the blog and in real life, I have eliminated many misconceptions I had about sociopathy (criminals are low-functioning, etc.). Keeping an open-mind is one of the habits I hope to keep by challenging my own beliefs as vigorously as I challenge those of others.

378 comments:

  1. I have heard the environmental triggers to sociopathy might be highly cultural too, M.E. Sorry. Too tired and lazy to go into detail now and I'm sure you know about this anyway....I posted it on the forum too...meh

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  2. agree that sociopathy is only a small part of our actual identity. However, it opens up doors to behaviour, thoughts and tendencies that are atypical for non-sociopathic individuals, or at least no where near as frequent.

    There's so much I want to remark on this, especially the formation of Self through past actions. Maybe some other time.

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  3. IlostmyjobbecauseofjenkemSeptember 26, 2011 at 2:09 AM

    I agree with "M.E". Who you are and what you become may really be a result of events you experience as you grow up. Life is an equation, with innumerous variables. How you choose to manipulate them determines the eventual outcome of that equation.


    Indeed the environmental stimuli may influence your beliefs and opinions. This is especially true for the sociopath. Their "opinions", "beliefs" and "sense of self" constantly change to suit their needs within the environment. One day, I might wake up proclaiming to be a "right-wing Neo-Nazi fascist who knows how to Commit a genocide in 8 easy steps. . The next day a "democratic atheist who likes to weave baskets".


    And yet there are some traits (unique to each individual) that we are simply born with. Relating to your experiences with music, I too am extremely sensitive to the tones and pitches of musical instruments. According to my music teacher, I have "perfect pitch". That is, the ability to instantly recognize and pin point a pitch and its frequency. I can detect even the slightest discord in pitch. I also have synaesthesia, a condition that enables me to see color when I hear music notes. However, the ability to recognize pitch is not a skill that I learned, nor did I have to "sensitize" myself to do as such. It comes naturally. An inborn skill. It is innate in my neurologic wiring.


    Then again, so is my high propensity towards violence. My (seeming) lack of empathy for those around me When push comes to shove, I will do whatever it takes to get ahead. Whether good or evil, it does not matter. That is not to say that don't enjoy causing pain for pain's sake. I do, and immensely so. Although I don't care about such torture enough to consider it an accomplishment, there is just something about watching the guilt-ridden empath squirm in a stew of his/her own making. Like they are burning eternal fire, and they can't help but burn themselves in it. Like they are punishing themselves to appease a higher power that as of yet hasn't made its voice heard . It's like they are made of glass. Fragile, like a wine cup at its last seams. There is something about their guilt that disgusts me, yet fascinates me.


    An empath feels bad when they are caught because they felt they were doing something bad to damage another's feelings. I don't claim to be any sociopath..... but I don't waste my time on such sentimental, limp-dicked idiocy. I only feel bad when I am caught because of exactly that: I allowed myself to be caught. Nothing more.


    No one asked me if I wanted to be born with this mindset. Because this mindset, has, and always, been at the core of my psyche, for as long as I can remember.

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  4. IlostmyjobbecauseofjenkemSeptember 26, 2011 at 2:10 AM

    Or perhaps the sociopath is a prime example of cognitivve dissonance, whereupon one desires something, finds it unattainable and then criticizes that unattainable object of desire to neutralize any conflicted feelings they may have. To put it into context, one is at the grocery store looking to buy apples. They have two choices: one brand that is noticeably smaller, less aromatic and less sweet, and a second brand which is exactly the opposite. Obviously, the latter apple is preferable but because of a high price, the shopper can't afford to buy the brand, instead choosing to settle for the lesser of the two apples. The more desirable fruit is then criticized for perhaps "being too ripe, unfirm, lacking texture" etc. etc. Perhaps it is the same thing for sociopaths. At an early age, they see how their emotionally driven peers are developing, and wish to be more like them. However, being unable to experience the same feelings their peers do, a sociopath finds the concept of "empathy" and "conscience" elusive. Feeling conflicted and unable to accept their differences, the sociopath responds (increasingly with age) a blatant disdain for the "normals" around them, viewing their sense of empathy and responsibility as a "weakness" or "liability", in doing so making the feelings of the "normal" a fault rather than a strength, and therefore something undesirable. This in turn negates any feelings of confusion or perhaps even inadequacy the sociopath had, because putting "normals" in such a light erases any need for the sociopath to want to be like "one of them", even if only in mind and not heart.

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  5. IDIOT ERIN... The only one who is known to SW, valuing what she does not have. She thinks it turned out OK. No it did not. You are on SW for the rest of your life, come ten years down the road when you are half way wise, it will be here to haunt you.


    Erin said...
    Well,it does not make one a wimp if one wants to stay anonymous.
    I value my anonymity and that does not equate to wimp.
    It is a personal choice.
    I lost some of it and it turned out OK,but I would not have chosen to do so.
    September 25, 2011 9:46 AM

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  6. I don't know. I know a certain someone who is also sociopathic. He was raised with parents who both work...he always talks about his loneliness, ever always alone from a very young age. Yet he is always surrounded by friends, now. I think when he was younger this must have been different...

    Somehow it makes me sad, when he talks about this...spending holidays alone, in the emptiness of his house. You know his parents seem so normal and average. But maybe with a genetic predisposition and no siblings and absent parents...maybe it has a lot to do with who he is now. Perhaps if he'd had more loving interactions as a child...something as simple as brother....

    There's an eerie perfection to the house in which he grew up. People live there but the place does not feel lived in. I think maybe he simmered inside his head. I think maybe...he walked the suburban streets at night, aimless. This is how I see him in my minds eye, growing up in this town where he has spent his whole life...

    And organically there must have been some effect, all the silence, all the absence, all of those years inhabiting what must have seemed like a world completely of his own, where he'd wander and nobody would see him...

    for the longest time he didn't have friends. Now he has many...somewhere down the line he must have learned the tune of the social melody everybody else understood as a birthright. But by then his chest was full of street lights, and whispers in empty rooms, and a home where nobody seemed to live....

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  7. I always thought cognitive dissonance was saying you're going to do A, but doing B (the exact opposite of A) instead.

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  8. ME has a strong sense of understanding herself and actively changing her ways in a way she feels better equipped to deal with life, while understanding some of those changes take some away from the experience.

    I am the same way in this regard. I do a lot of desensitizing to move away from uber empath towards normal, learning from socios for not emotionally relating to other people's pain.

    I am getting quite good at this. Yesterday, I saw a close friend who is undergoing chemotherapy for the first time after six months. Was a very sad scene to see someone so lively become so weak. But, I was committed to not losing sleep over it and sure enough I was able to block any thought that tried to enter my system in this regard within an hour of my departure from the scene.

    I also sensitize myself towards movies. It is no more only about the story. I see camera angles, light effects, all nine yard and while I appreciate more than before I also lose that sense of getting lost in a story. If a movie has a lot to offer in terms of story and directing I end up seeing it more than once because almost always I see more in the second round both in terms of story and directing.

    I am also more like a video recorder in my personal dealings. While I still fail to pay attention to or remember what people have worn I pay attention to their facial expressions and stories between the words. I love bringing the masks down in my mind, and feeling more than they may about themselves.

    I need to start paying attention to what they wear too. I have friends who can remember what I wore at a level way beyond what I remember about myself. I have friends telling me how I move my hands. Curious what types pay attention to what one wears and how one moves body parts. Got the feeling those who are away from the feeling, meaning socios and narcs.

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  9. "How would doing or thinking that thing change me and is that someone I want to become? I'm all too aware that we are what we eat."

    I feel more like I am whatever I'm doing at the time. I almost forget alot of things I do and my reasoning behind them, good or bad because I feel disconnected from them. Nothing changes me a not much bothers me. The truth is that if people don't know about the person you were yesterday then that person may as well never have existed.

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  10. The lonely sociopath/psychopath shtik is a load of crap. I'm not saying your boyfriend didn't have a lot of alone time, Bluebird, but he isn't a sociopath if he genuinely felt weepy and alone.

    I spent a lot of time by myself in my formative years. You know how I adapted to that? I just didn't care anymore if I was alone or not. I learned to enjoy my own company. It wasn't a conscious choice, it just happened that way.

    Nowadays I juggle being with dozens of people I know on a daily basis, to some days being by myself completely. Neither really bug me at all, though being with more people means more opportunities.

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  11. I have a secret for you notable. Would you like to hear it?

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  12. As long as it's not a secret about me, sure.

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  13. Oh no no notable. It is not one of your secrets. It is about you. Notable have you noticed how nice you have been to ukan recently? It started not to long ago. Ukan said he had a narcissist father and you have been chummy with him since. He does not have a narcissist father notable. You would have known that if you were paying attention. I have a narcissist mom. You had a narcissist dad. How often do we meet people that remind us of our parents? Not very often I would guess. Not ukan though no ukan meets narcissists all the time. He sees them everywhere he goes. Everyone with a tall tale is a narcissist and he knows because after all he has one for a dad. He is even going into business with him.

    Can you not see that he has been playing you into being nice to him with some bs common ground? He got you to be less hostile and even support him with one little white lie. He has made you look like a idiot. Maybe he did because you are notable. He made it look so easy too. Who else has fooled you Not Able?

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  14. That's one hail Mary of a stretch if I've ever seen one. I think you need a new tin foil hat. I can see UKan lying about having a Narcissist for a father, but to get to me? I doubt it. More to fit in than anything else, but you're right about him seeing them everywhere. Maybe he just doesn't know the difference between a pathological liar and a pathological Narcissist.

    You should change your name to the Speculation Vault. So far you haven't shown any secrets.

    And why do you care if I'm nice to him? It sounds like you're obsessed with the guy, and not as a fan.

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  15. @notabe

    secrets vault is ukan.

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  16. Have it your way Not Able. Do not be surprised when he laughs in your face with this. Everyone will laugh at how pathetic you are before he squashes you like a worm.

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  17. Look Jason, or whoever you are, you're seeing shit that isn't there, kid. Stop obsessing over the characters here, get outside, and live your life. This is a sociopathy blog, not a soap opera.

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  18. secrets vault is ukan, it's obvious.

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  19. Secrets vault is Ukan true dat

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  20. I doubt it. If UKan owned up to not having a Narcissist for a father then he would also have to own up to not knowing what a real Narcissist is, thus discrediting himself and his so-called Narcissist-Radar. That would also require him admitting that he played me to try to get to like him, or be more tolerant of him.

    Seriously, that's all very pathetic and petty.

    Oh, what the fuck am I doing up this late talking about UKan with some random anon and Jason? Fuck.You.Guys. I'm going to get some rest.

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  21. being born this way is psychopathy fuckface

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  22. I am not ukan. He is just another bitch that I own here. Him and Mis both.

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  23. ME should have linked this to the postSeptember 26, 2011 at 5:30 AM

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wV1FrqwZyKw

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  24. Adoption has always left me fascinated about this subject. You see I was adopted with a younger brother-2 years my junior-and together we experienced a pretty lousy younger childhood. We left when i was 6, he was 4 and were adopted shortly thereafter. We have different fathers, and ultimately were raised separately from one another when I went to juve and he didn't. I have a ten year old son today that I haven't seen in 8 years, and another 5 year old son who I raise day to day. I've recently tracked down my birth father and birth mother and in the end after 25 years of not seeing her and never having seen him, I ended up a lot like them.
    He was more of the violent, controlling type, she more the survivor. He was her lost love apparently, but he doesn't really believe in that sort of thing. A hard life has hardened him-hardened them both separately as their lives have been spent apart obviously-he's tough, he's large in physical presence, she's crafty and has found ways to get by. It amazes me now that I've found them to think that I spent 25 years away from them only to almost directly mirror their personalities. It makes me wonder what my 10 year old son will turn out like, how my brother turned out, or what my 5 year old will be like in 25 years as he's almost the age I was when I last saw them prior to adoption.
    Life is clearly a mix of nature and nurture, as with most other things there's simply not one answer that's cut and dry for everyone. Your nature however, determines how nurture will or won't affect you I think. For example, if you're naturally smart taking hard classes or easy classes will affect you differently than if you're not, etc. As there's no one answer that covers all, I still find it to be a fascinating subject and look forward to seeing the results in my children-as I'm sure I will someday.
    For me I think the important events happened early in my life, hardened me to reality. My brother and I were beat pretty regularly growing up. A favorite punishment was to put our hands on burners. Several bones were broken in either of us, we spent significant amounts of time at the hospital-I more than him. Back then I considered it my job to try to divert any beatings from my mother and brother to myself. Her boyfriend at the time-whatever scumbag it was-would walk in the door and you could tell from the second his first foot crossed the threshhold that it was going to be one of those days/nights. From the second I saw that sort of mode coming I'd be on watch, and when the time came that he started really gearing up, yelling at my mother over some trivial matter, or turning his attention to my brother he'd start to hear it from me. Maybe this is where that whole desire to answer every "big dog's" challenge within me comes from? Smart money says yes.

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  25. I was thinking secrets vault was Medusa myself...

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  26. Luke
    Very interesting
    I think you are right.That fucking stupid bitch likes to stir the shit until it is hot enough to jump out of the pan.

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  27. way to long, luke.

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  28. now you're just being nasty, erin.

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  29. Luke has a vendetta against bullies.

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  30. I couldn't agree more on the lonely thing TNP. I'm happiest when people are not around personally. That includes the people that consider themselves "close" to me, even my son in most cases. I just don't truly like being around anyone. Can I be around people? Sure, but I loathe every second of it. I don't own a cell phone because I don't want people calling me, I give out only an email address on my business cards so as to avoid as much human contact as possible.
    I spent a long time intentionally on my own-I spent almost an entire year just in my apartment, occasionally leaving to wander about the city aimlessly. I spent that time learning to be who I was. I figured that to be the only way to really succeed in life no matter who you were, to grow accustomed to who you were, get a grip on what you had to work with, and use it any way you could to get ahead.

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  31. I am not that stupid cunt medusa. She is not worthy of being my bitch.

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  32. Protecting your brother and mom from an abuser? HOW RUTHLESS!

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  33. hey-not any longer than Sceli, BB, TNP, or lostmyjob...

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  34. Luke, from your stories you sound like a classic victim, if you were spoiled rotten, you'd be more adept at taking people on.

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  35. I GAWT BEATEN UP BY BULLIES SO NOW I H8 ON BULLIES. TAKE THAT BULLIES!

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  36. you sound like a schizoid weirdo lukey

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  37. Sociopaths are usually over admired as children, not beaten like dogs. that is were the sociopath gets his entitlement and god complex.

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  38. that means ukan and mis arent socios. they got their arses beat bloody as runts

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  39. I've not been a victim of anything other than a few years of beating, nothing that the average person shouldn't be able to take.

    Then again like they say-can't lend much creedence to those posting as anonymous, not even willing to put a constant name to their blabbering.

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  40. The superior Vs The neglectedSeptember 26, 2011 at 5:54 AM

    they did a study in a classroom, on one side there was children with darker hair, on the other, children with blonde or lighter hair colors.

    they told the children with the lighter hair that they were special and superior to the darker haired children. the participants who had been neglected grew up with severe self esteem issues and the majority of these were dependent on hard drugs, by their 20's. the lighter haired children developed a superiority complex, but they were also racist and extremely intolerant of other views.

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  41. The superior and The neglectedSeptember 26, 2011 at 6:01 AM

    I find that children who are told that they are special and superior grow up to be extremely entitled and that their exceptional treatment should carry on into adulthood. Children who are physically abused and neglected, crave love in their adulthood, this makes them vulnerable to the spoiled child, who most likely learned to manipulate the parent figures early on.

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  42. The superior and The neglectedSeptember 26, 2011 at 6:03 AM

    The superior child, doesn't look for love, he craves admiration or infamy to feed his god complex.

    Love disgusts him, as he views love as "weak"

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  43. The superior and The neglectedSeptember 26, 2011 at 6:09 AM

    When extreme trauma is paired with the abusive spoiling, this is the breeding ground for narcissistic personality disorder or psychopathy.

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  44. Beatings from my dad were just a regular occurence when I was young. I had know idea what a normal family was like. In the end I didn't let it stop me from doing what I wanted and that's what pissed him off so much. He couldn't control me. I was constantly scheming and thinking of ways to get away with things without him findind out and I guess I just carried that behaviour on into later life. I found out how weak he was when I turned the tables and beat him back. I already had zero respect for any authority by that point but after that I just stopped giving a shit about what anybody told me because I felt as though I could best them in any situation.

    Sociopaths are created through unstable environments during childhood. I've heard that being overly praised during childhood is what triggers NPD. I don't know much about it really.

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  45. The superior and The neglectedSeptember 26, 2011 at 6:14 AM

    I see a pattern of mother issues, in my npd patients.

    Some have told me that their mothers would physically dress them into their late teens and in extreme cases some npd's slept with their mother, there is always mother problems with these men.

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  46. superior vs neglected I'm not sure I agree with that. I spent a few years getting beat sure, but that doesn't leave me searching for love today, in fact the opposite I have very little use for the emotion-or any emotions. My fiance serves a purpose. I like my house being kept clean, I like food being cooked for me. An acquaintance once referred to her as my "home assistant" when we were talking about my secretary here at work. Perhaps one of those who straddled the fence? I was never told I was special or great, I knew it because I beat everyone I could at everything growing up-and there was plenty of competition. Whether it was beating a kid on the playground or in the classroom it didn't matter. Regardless of the initial motivation for such behavior, eventually it became a given that I would beat whoever at whatever. Eventually it even became boring. I began seeking out people to beat in their own element. The playground bully to beat physically, the smart kid in class to beat mentally, etc. Then it became the tough kid in town, not the playground bully, and the smart kid at state competitions, not the other smart kids in class. Maybe you're right, maybe it emanates from being a victim as a child and proving to myself that I'm no longer the victim by seeking out those that consider themselves predators, and strong and beating them now?

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  47. The superior and The neglectedSeptember 26, 2011 at 6:16 AM

    Maybe I'm wrong about psychopathy? Am I referring to NPD?

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  48. The superior and The neglectedSeptember 26, 2011 at 6:20 AM

    This is a classic case of a narcissist.

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fFC1vEcKnJI

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  49. The superior and The neglectedSeptember 26, 2011 at 6:22 AM

    Lots of women here seem to fit the neglected pattern, except one or two.

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  50. "maybe I'm wrong...?"
    Ya know how you go into a bar or club or public establishment (not sure how this works in Europe) and there's a fire marshall's warning that says "not to exceed 100 persons" or something to that effect? Someone's gotta do that here in SW. Only "not to exceed 15 persons who are never wrong" or something like that, lol. Eventually there are simply going to be too many of us in here that are never wrong.

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  51. The superior and The neglectedSeptember 26, 2011 at 6:25 AM

    @Luke

    Good one.

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  52. I agree with ME.

    As a further elaboration. It seems to me that people who say someone is "born that way" are (intentionally or unintentionally) using that as an excuse to dismiss that person. This flagrant dismissal could be fatal.

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  53. @SocioRuined-
    I'd go further and say that primarily when people say "I was born that way" is more of an excuse for whatever behavior their speaking about then, a way to alleviate the responsibility of the behavior.

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  54. Child abuse is evil... therefore, being abused as a child makes you evil!

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  55. Please, Luke. If you're going to write long comments, fucking use paragraphs man! It makes it that more readable.

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  56. agreed Wheatley, my mistake honestly I did hit "enter" a few times, but it's not showing up like I thought. Gotta remember to hit it twice and give real separation to separate thoughts. Bear with me.

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  57. David's Phone NumberSeptember 26, 2011 at 7:26 AM

    0032473258212

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  58. Well I didn't get one text message or whatever. I would have hoped to get at least one friendly word or insult :-)

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  59. i'm masturbating cos david's phone number leads to a male escort site, and i'm a big faggot.

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  61. 'flemishguy' is david's gay prostitute name, apparently

    did you lie about you age on that site, david?

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  62. @anon
    Well me being an escort isn't really a secret around here :-)

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  63. No I didn't lie I'm 34, I was 33 when I posted that ad there.

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  65. Wheatley was right about using paragraphs Luke, reading your posts was sometimes exhausting because it was one block of text.

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  66. do you get less clients now than you did when you were younger, david?

    how comes you don't branch out and service women as well?

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  68. @anon
    No I'm surprised I get that much clients at my age. I had that thought in mind that all older gay guys would want young guys in their twenties, I was wrong about that. Very young guys may be cute, but are often very poor in bed.

    I've never had sex with a woman. I find a vagina very repulsive, it's like an open flesh wound. And the sloppy tits thing, bah (sorry ladies). I think even if I would take 200mg of kamagra it wouldn't work to fuck a woman, I would be too much digusted, no offence.

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  69. is the the travel network david?
    when do you ever talk about real issues?

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  70. M.E. wrote:

    "I am careful what I do and say, what I allow myself to think and daydream about. It's not always because I am worried about external consequences . . . but rather internal consequences. How would doing or thinking that thing change me and is that someone I want to become? I'm all too aware that we are what we eat."

    This is the hardest thing to teach another and once self realized, its authentic power. So pick you friends, mates, work associates and targets well.

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  71. The brain structure is real but wether it will be expressed as a textbook 'path or not obviously isn't determined precisely. Ill bet very few people meet the criteria for a personality 'disorder' completely.

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  72. @anon
    The fact that a vagina looks like an open flesh wound is a real issue to me. I'll be back in an hour.

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  73. lol, vagina's aren't the most attractive sight in the world, sure

    on the other hand, beer tastes like shit, most men still drink it though... lol.

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  75. Where did all the interesting people go?

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  77. I'm not supposed to be interesting, i'm just an anon lurker, but when i come here, I want to be entertained. It's O so very boring, listening to you and David etc shooting the breeze.

    We need some fire in here!

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  79. "Definitely have to agree that the vagina in itself on it's own is one of the lesser attractive things there is to see."

    Hey, spelling and grammar boy- when you're speaking of an object, the word is "its", not, "it's".

    choke.

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  80. uuuuuuuuggggghhhhhhhhh........you shits.......all of you.......ugh....

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  81. yep it's a slow slow day at SW sad sad sad

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  82. Ukan is really working the tissue box today, apparently someone hurt his little feelings this weekend. I'm sure he'll be along in a few hours.

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  84. uh-oh, nobody gave luke his cookie when he was on his grammar nazi warpath, that's why he's been so ticked off. 0:

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  86. someone PLEASE say SOMETHING interesting!!!!!!!!!! There's nothing going on around here!!!!!!!!!!!

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  87. it's moday anon relax

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  88. erin's forum is growing stagnant. they need to find someone else to run it.

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  89. You know, I didnt attack you because you were sucking up to TNP Luke. I did it because you started spouting the usual shit about inner monsters and how you just want be left alone(which you're still doing I see. Funny). I rolled my eyes as soon as I saw your first post because I knew what was going to happen next. I've seen it dozens of time. To be honest all I did was poke and prod you a little bit and you exploded and started writing walls of text defending your sociopathy and trying to establish how pathetic I was for questioning you. I found that funny so I kept at it. In the end you're just the latest long winded boring dickead to turn up here who says alot without saying anything. I look forward to ignoring a whole load of the bullocks you write about unimportant matters in the future.

    Carry on.

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  91. Seriously, you little scamps see ME everywhere not that I see narcissists everywhere. ukanukanukan! Ukan=insertnamehere.
    There's only two narcissists in this room and both are crying about me calling them one. Its obvious luke is one and same to you tnp. Your constant need for attention by first coming in with some noble purpose like batman and now you have changed into.some melodramatic serial killer its a fucking joke. Luke the office manager that was a drug dealing hitman.
    As far as your childhood, luke that is what I was saying earlier about what you said that was true about you. I can respect that and I relate.
    It was really my father that set me in motion. It is people like him that set me in motion to conquer whoever is in power around me and take it for myself like I did when I kicked his arse. Its funny how human beings just repeat their childhood over and over until they are dead. That day was one of the greatest days in my life because I was sick of living with violent punishment constantly over my head being used ina arbitrary way. Tnp you talk about if I admit my fathers a narcississt, well if you missed it I have SAID my father is a narcissist for two years on here. I don't see them everywhere I see them when they are present. I see them and we are magnetized together. We can be in a club, on the street, or in prison with their big mouths.
    Truth is important to me because I grew up in a place where someones delsuions were forced on ne as the truth. The day I broke that chair over him was the day I decided I wanted to make my own world and so I have.
    My wife pointed out recently that my brothers and I never intigrated normally into society. We just have our own ways of dealing with it. My older broher rejected it and became a engineer so he woukdnt have to deal with society. He pathologically lies and can't hold down a marraige
    because he doesn't know how to treat a women
    once he has one. His last marriage he ignored his wife, constantly stuck in all his gadgets and his work until she left him.
    My little brother became a pompous fat shite. He lives on his friends couch and actually thinks he is superior to the rest of the known world even though he is nothing but a bum. He would never touch even marijuana but his lifestyle is like a drug addict. He's very straight laced its almost weird.
    I left home after beating my father. For years after I fought him in different faces. People with delusions of grandeur and big mouths. I couldn't stop going up the chain till soon I was fighting anything in power around me. I couldn't hold a job because I would become vindictive against my boss and cause trouble for them.
    Meanwhile I was burning shite down and blowing shite up. I was aimless now. I started with just fucking with peopke like this kid we used to pick on. I knocked on his door and threw a moltov at right into his patio. I would do random things to even my friends just to see them in pain because i thought it was funny. Like when I was sitting with all my friends in my friends garage and I just grabbed some metal darts and started throwig them at my friends. To me it was funny to see them run and scatter and I thought it was fun. They got mad becsuse I hit a few of them.
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  92. couldn't go along with any authority figure and soon I chose to join a group that wanted a person like me.
    In that group they had me in my element. I felt like I had purpose. Every blow we dealt felt like justice. I was tired of all the abusive authority figures in my life from my father, to teachers, to the cops and soldiers on he street. It felt great to strike at the best of them. Looking back now I can't believe it. It was like I had gone completely mad and I will say I was delusional at the time. I thought I was making a difference but I was just a button being pushed. Even in the organization I started to rebel. The leadership was saying that I was getting out of control and that I was being indiscriminate on targets. I would find someone or something to destroy and look for a reason, instead of the otger way around. There was too much downtime and i wanted constant action. Sometimes I would put people in situations where I forced them to take actions that would give me the reason I could give to leadership. The guy who brought me in said I waz leading the younger kids astray. I had told him that it wasn't my responsibility since I was not in a leadership position, but he told me leadership had nothig to do with position. I continued to reject what he had to say and the younger kids started getting locked up or not making it because I woukd coax them into more and more reckless activities.
    Im not really going to go into it more than that but I think they were glad when I got caught. They even argued whether they should support me in prison because a lot of people wanted to distance themselves from the actions I got caught for since it wasn't a agreed upon legitimate target I was caught trying to destroy. I ended up getting support despite that. I actually came out a hero with all the prison writings I did about the occupation and prison conditions. The war we had was over. I had nothing left to fight. I tried getting jobs but they didn't work out for me. I started selling on the side. Ironically, the organization I was with before was anti drug. I felt like they had abandoned me though and abandoned the fight. I had sold drugs as a youth before meeting them so it wasn't too hard to get back in. I had my new war.
    My family and I get together every holiday and its the same. My brother goes off in his old room to fuck around with some gadgets he brought with him, my little brother lays on the couch and my father and I argue.
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  93. On topic: I monitor my daydreams. I think sometimes what the fuck am I thinking?

    I daydream leaving people or telling people off, but I repress the impulses because I like to say to myself: How will you feel about this x amount of time from now? That feels normal, but at times difficult.

    I've thought gee I SHOULD leave people alone...it's "cruel" to hold on. it's been confusing as hell because I have to think it through. Because my other friends say: what's wrong with you? You're not happy all the time. they don't get it that it isn't "happy", it's a lot of other things I can't describe. People shake their heads and say "whatever floats your boat"

    Interestingly, my therapist has often times said: "Take the money and run" with people who are supposedly hurting me. I don't see people as hurting me. This is why others think I "like abuse". Believe me, if I feel "abused" I don't interact.

    See, I don't find this sociopathic, I just find the logic makes sense. I agree with lots of what ME posts from the past. i think ME posts for all types of people. -I'm aware I have narc tendencies.

    I like to know how others "do" with this mindset.
    I think i've been doing this a shitload of time. i look in the mirror and have conversations with myself telling myself to stop engaging with this ex or that ex, they don't want anything from me. But I say fuck that, I want something from them....

    Take the money and run? I like them. I wouldn't have chosen them as partners if I didn't. I'm picky. Why close a door? Yeah, I keep old boyfriends. Why is that a "bad" thing? They were friends. I've been hurt so much, I compartmentalize it and take the good and ignore the rest. But I know when the scales are tipped and I know when the benefit outweighs the "happy"
    C'mon, isn't this logical?

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  94. although I'm sure big words already have you lost at this point-is your father still walking and breathing? If so, why?

    Why is yours, luke? Didn't you just get done telling us he beat you? Why would you assume Misanthropes beat him because he was worthless, is that the reason your father gave you?

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  95. And I've had my fun with you. I guess we could keep saying that to eachother for ever and never know who's having the most fun. Frustrating isn't it? My dad beat me because I was a fucking asshole and so was he haha.

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  96. @luke

    I'd say you have an above average IQ. I wouldn't say your the genius level you said. Did you say above genius level? I really don't see proof of that, to read you. Just above average, with some schooling is all.

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  97. Did you ever fight back against your father Luke? Or did you just absorb beatings that were meant for your mother?

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  98. "erin's forum is growing stagnant. they need to find someone else to run it"

    Where is this forum? I am curious.

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  99. I know when the benefit outweighs the "happy"

    *when the deficit outweighs the happy

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  101. Great post ME. I def agree that environmental factors plays a major role in PD's. I was born a sweet and quiet girl but due to my home life, I had to snap into a survival mode real fast. In my head, I am surrounded my quick sand pits and I am constantly hopping from on the another. I greatly crave true love and security but will never have either. I could have the man of my dreams offer all that I have ever wanted...but inside I would be too busy scanning for the emergency exit to enjoy it. After having my son, it has caused me a great deal of stress. I am even more consumed by these escape thoughts because I am responsible for him.

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  103. Luke, why do you give a shit if he was beating down on your mother? That's pretty weak that you would help a person that can't help themselves.

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  104. I see the world in two ways-people that can help me get what I want or people who will hinder me. I had to detach to survive.

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  106. "Wouldn't it be a lot more healthy for you to look at my story and as opposed to spending time going over it with a magnifying glass trying to prove it's untrue to satisfy that need to prove that if you can't do it, it can't be done-wouldn't it be healthier to look and say "it can be done"? "It has been done."? "I can do that"?"

    Luke: The Sociopathic Guru... hahaha

    I can't help myself! :D

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  107. Haha. I sure wouldn't want to fuck with you Luke. ~

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  108. Socios don't care about their momas

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  109. "After having my son, it has caused me a great deal of stress. I am even more consumed by these escape thoughts because I am responsible for him."

    You're lucky you had the courage to have a son. i wouldn't do that for a ton of reasons. One of my exes jokingly told me I'd misplace a baby.

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  112. When you lived on the sideline of society (whether it's drugs dealing or anything else) I find it extremely difficult to even consider to fit back in and live a 'regular life'.

    Living on the sideline gives a lot of freedom and at this point in my life I wouldn't want to give that up. The problem is the longer you've lived on the sideline the harder it gets. I didn't do regular work for over 9 year now. Even if I wanted to do a regular job, how do you explain you've officially done nothing during 9 years?

    That's the dilemma. You get used to the freedom but you know that soon or late you'll reac the limits, unless you're able to make so much money that you get lay back and rest for the rest of your life (but only few succeed in that). And beside the freedom most that live a live on the edge love the thrills, for me a regular life would probably not even be worth living.

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  114. What the Hell is up with today's long-ass comment'o'rama?

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  117. @ Bella

    Thanks. I actually didn't know what I was in for. I had never been around children. It was a good thing for me though. I was on a very destructive path and I had no plans of every seeing the age of 30. Once my son was born I thought, "Crap. What the fuck and I supposed to do now?" I used to party really hard but when I became a mom, I realized that I didn't want my son to be raised by anyone in my family or by my husband. I am trying to get myself put together for the first time and now that he is older, I call him my sidekick.

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  118. I didn't not believe your story because I think nobody leaves the game, because there are a few who make it out. With me luke I have swung from one destructive vine to the next whether it was for the cause or whether it was for the money in the end it was never about either. My wife calls me a negative force sometimes and I tell her she is limiting me, but sometimes I think she is right. I have contributed nothing to society but strife, misery, and pain. In the end it doesn't matter because life is a balance.
    I read everything with a magnifying glass and I listen in real life with a fucking microphone because I don't miss a thing. That's why I'm still here breathing. I know how the police work and I know how prisons work and they are similiar in most civilized countries that are not under a dictatorship. You can't tell me you were arrested seventy times and have me just go along with it or tell me you did "cartel shit" and have me go along with it. People who talk like that are lying through their teeth and if you lie about one thing you will lie about the next and pretty soon all I have is yet another long winded liar on here contributing nothing but a badly written novel.
    I have already gotten into it with another person who tried to school me on here about prison and doing crime with fantastic fucking stories. They posted long winded comments about changing from this violent sociopathic criminal into some pillar of change. He even made a website where he talked about him struggling with his conscience. Some people here believed it. Eventually that person was exposed and turned out to be some autistic crippled mess with a eating disorder and a rape victim.
    Every noble-path-do-gooder loner who claimed they changed has turned out to be bollocks here. People believe you for a while especially those doomed to dating sociopaths for the rest of their life since that is their type.
    You are here, luke. So be it. I hope you get settled in just like every other joke who has been here because when it all comes down it will be even more funny.

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  119. For the first time in my life I started having legal problems last year. For now I still have a blanco record so it's a good thing I was able to save that if I want to travel or even live outside Europe.

    The problem is that I've done things that are more severe than the internet fraud or vandalism and would probably cost me jail time. A good portion of time has passed since I commited these crimes, so the chances are getting small that I will be prosecuted for it, but the coming months are still uncertain.

    My way of living, my need for thrills, even my latent agressive nature (I've never used physical violence untill now but I'm sure I'm capable of it, and I'm quiet sure that if I would ever use physical violence it wouldn't be a fight as I don't even know how to fight, I would probably literally stick a knife in someone's back or smash their head in a cowardly way).

    Without having problems with it I somehow accepted that due to my lifestyly, need of thrills, alcohol abuse ... I won't get very old.

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  120. "and Mis you're welcome to think what you like, has no bearing on me"

    I feel the same way. All I'm saying is that you make all these boasts as if you're the only person here who knows how to stick I knife in someone. Trust me you're not. But in the end really dont want to kill my father. I never took the beatings personally. It was just how men in my family were raised and in the end I turned out harder because of it. I still see me father from time to time and. We can get together, have a drink and have a laugh because in the end I won. I don't care about things that happened in the past and I don't worry about things I can't control.

    I'm hardly the one who's full of myself here Luke. You actually invited me out to the states to fight you because your ego cant take a little criticism. Of course we now know that you were bullshitting.

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  121. Bella

    sometimes its funny tho. the apple doesn't fall from the tree if you know what i mean. he can already work over girls like no one by calling them princesses and the other day a kid took his toy so he smacked him in the mouth with a metal lunchbox.

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  122. I don't care about things that happened in the past and I don't worry about things I can't control.

    That's what I tell people constantly. Dwelling on the past and things you can't change is pointless. I live for today. Tommorrow might not even be here and yesterday is irrelevant

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  125. Anyone else get the feeling UKan was in the IRA?

    And Luke, I hope you're smart enough to see that you're already getting more accepted, on one hand because you've adapted somewhat, and the other because you held up pretty well.

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  126. @ Wheat

    funny i was thinking the same thing

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  128. If its true... i must say that would be hot. I know who I am partying with when I go on vacation hahaha

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  129. "Dwelling on the past and things you can't change is pointless. I live for today. Tommorrow might not even be here and yesterday is irrelevant"

    Yeah that's the the only way of living that makes sense to me.

    I don't see else you you would bother talking about it other than to boast Luke. There are plenty of stories I could tell but I rarely say much about myself because I just don't care what people think. When I called you a computer geej you just had to tell me about your job as the manager at a fortune 500 company. When you call me a ditch digger I just laugh it off and say nothing.

    "Mine wasn't my father, and it wasn't for most of my life-just a few short years-I wonder if that is where the difference lies."

    Could be.

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  131. Luke you can't get arrested every week in this business and corner any drug trade. You can't get arrested seventy times and not have anything stick even if you are innocent of all of it, because one day the jurory will find you guilty. Its the law of probability. There is NOBODY in the criminal world above a dope fiend that has not done time for at least a couple of years. NONE. Nobody is getting arrested seventy fucking times or every fucking week and not doing a stretch, luke. NOBODY. NOT ONE. Nobody who is so sloppy they get arrested every week is becoming anything but a hobo drunk or a drug addict. NOBODY. NOT ONE.

    I haven't been arrested in five years. Before that I was arrested twice a year maybe three at most. Even those arrests interrupted so much of my life that nothing I was doing outside of destroying someone or something was successful because it did not have enough time to be that way. When you get out everything is on its head. If you were getting arrested every week and not going to prison to do a stretch of a few years it means you were doing petty crimes like petty theft, purse snatching, domestic violence, drunk in public, or not paying child support which means you were no drug kingpin thats for sure. If you habitually committed petty crimes they would enhance your sentances since you didn't learn after the third of fourth time. After seventy they would throw the book atchya.
    When I have shite on me I don't even break the speeding law let alone go around committing stupid petty crimes that would get me arrested and searched because when they search me I wont be at this website talking to you again for a very long time.

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  132. Well I would never expect to get 'accepted', tolerated at best as some meaningless figure that can be fun from time to time.

    Realizing that here and even in real life without getting depressed and finding strength in oneself says a lot about my inner stength.

    For now the meaning of life this evening will be moules frites with a great white Bourgogne ;-)

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  133. " Luke said...
    @Eden-not saying I'm some sort of guru or role model or any of that bullshit. You don't agree however that it would be more healthy to look at the story you want-assuming that's the story you want-and say "see it can be done" as opposed to trying to find reasons it's untrue to make yourself feel better that you haven't done it?"

    I know the powers of the mind, and perception is a part of that power. What gives birth to more power, is the ability to change your material life, by changing indefinitely, your perception, which for a disordered person takes a considerable amount of effort, and time.

    I've had this little conversation with Bluebird too, and what both of you can't seem to get is how I see it the same way. However: there is a great deal of the control freak in me, that believes I can change absolutely everything about me, and the way I see the world. I know how to put that control freak in check when I get this way.

    lol Control the control freak within, funny as that is! But it's true.

    Here we all are, saying we are of a disorder, in all its wondrous variety; to which we are bound. It is a declaration of our limitations... is it not?

    I have warred with my own self, trying to change those limitations into vast possibilities, and wondered why I ended up even more in the gutter in regards to the whole picture, then when I decided to change my perception of who I am, and what I'm capable of.

    In October I turn 37, and my war on perception is over. I know that because I am disordered, and that is something that comes with limitations... I must instead; accept those limitations, and make the very best of what I'm capable of doing.
    Some things have changed: My financial world has changed, and my ability to manipulate people with a more seemingly, positive attitude, has changed. Basically I've just gotten better at faking things, but the inevitable is the physical... and with age, I've just grown more indifferent to how the world around me expects to see me behave, in order to satisfy my goals.

    If you are capable of an extraordinary amount of change, through just a positive outlook on your own truth, and what you're potential is ... then I say you are not disordered, and therefore not a sociopath.


    Otherwise, I was simply making a wisecrack about your optimism, and 'Rich Dad Poor Dad', mentality. :D

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  134. @David

    Why are you always telling us what's on the menu?

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  135. So imagine I fly all the way across the word to to boston Luke. I don't know who you are so where would I go from there? The real point is that it doesn't matter if you could or couldn't beat me in a straight up fight. It's irrelevant here.

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  137. So tell me then luke how it was possible for you to corner the drug market gettig arrested every week. What did you do every week that got you arrested for only a day? How did you escaoe a prison sentance with that many arrests? You even have to see that the story is unbelievable

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  140. @ Luke

    what did you sell anyways and how much did you move?

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  143. I am guessing it is ice/ dope then?

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  144. "these are the people I lie to, not you."

    Well we'll see. You have to understand that its not that crazy for us to call bullshit. Everything gets tested here. We've had this Zwang character writing whole articles about his(actually her) time in in prison and it all turned out to be bullocks. I cant remember completely but didn't you say that you did stints in prison after you turned 21? Didn't having that on you're record fuck you over in terms of career opportunities?

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  145. All of this being said, I have one question: Are sociopaths truly shaped, or are they born the way they are? If both cases are true, are there any differences between the sociopath who is "made" rather than "born"? And if so, what are these differences?

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  146. @Eden
    I like to eat and drink a lot, I'm a real Bourgondier (that's Dutch, don't know the word in English). The mussels were great, the Bourgogne is excellent.

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  150. Ok so how does your crew clean up dirty dope? Answer correctly and I will shut up.

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  151. Yeah I thought you said prison before. Guess I was wrong. In the end we're just going to wait and see what comes of you Luke.

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  153. I fig prison too esp with dope. Its a felony if you get caught with dirty paraphernalia at least out here. Cali has a three strikes law so he would have been locked up for good out here.

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  156. No he didn't say prison. And I knew you were just selling weed luke, most of the psuedo drug dealer story telling types had. That's exactly what I told you when you first got here that you were not cartel type shite you were portelraying to be. You were some kid that sold a gram or two to your friends every week and now you are trying to over exaggerate to make it seem interesting. My wifes ex boyfriend when we met tried to tell me he was a big tine weed dealer it was a fucking joke. Nobody makes anything off weed on a street level because the margin of profit is so low. So don't give me some story of you enforcing and running some organization or having seventy arrests because for someone that graduated from weed when I was a
    teenager I know how weed dealers are. They have a exaggerated self importance and melodramatic personality thinking thwy are big time and aleays under surveillance when in reality REAL drug dealers and cops could give a shite about your small time weed dealing. You didn't sell any drugs worth a damn.

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  157. Why the fuck are you guys still talking about you're RL identities? I mean seriously, anybody could say anything they wanted to. It doesn't matter.

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  160. UKan, do you sell heroin?

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  162. Luke

    I just asked you a question...how does that make me the judge and jury of SW? I see you are a little sensitive today. I figured I ask you a basic question and if I gotten a certain answer back and I would no longer attack you on your story. Secondly, you say you are on here to engage with people and so on, so I wanted to find out a little more about yourself.

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  163. Luke

    Go ahead and be a fool and ignore my posts as nutty ramblings. They are all their for a reason, especially the "random one" Even Medusa has picked up on this.

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  166. Seventy arrests and you got deals on them all is a exageration luke and both of us know that. Or you were snitching and getting high and everytime you got arrested you dropped a kite on someone. You moved a few eighths here and there as a young man stop trying to tell us some cartel story, because it makes no sense at all. I'm going to quote the comedian Kat Williams:

    "If you have been selling weed since 1998 and haven't moved up to cocaine by 2004, I don't know what you are doing with your life".

    Almost every kid I ever knew sold weed at one time, and probably almost every person in here moved some weed here and there. That doesn't make you anything but some small time kid who moves enough to get high for free and nothing past that. I haven't seen one person or group that has gotten anywhere worth mentioning off selling weed alone. Weed dealers are a joke. I can't even remember the last time I even sold a bag of weed. It stinks up the car and makes shite money.

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  167. "Bluebird said...
    Why the fuck are you guys still talking about you're RL identities? I mean seriously, anybody could say anything they wanted to. It doesn't matter."

    It's been this way for 3 years around here, Blue. You think you're going to say something, that's going to change the way they think or respond now?

    Nothing you say, no matter how you say it, is going to change the way they do things here.

    Just like nothing you say to Erin will even sink in, no matter what you say to her.

    It may change up briefly for manipulation purposes, but that's it!

    This isn't sociology, or philosophy class. You're education, and insight into how people could better spend their time, and communication skills, are meaningless here.

    Get used to it, or stop coming.

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  168. go ahead- Keep saying I am just like Erin. Your only making yourself look stupid.

    For the record you are the one always dismissing and putting me down when I respond to your post but yet you accuse me of jumping on a band wagon to fit in with everybody else? how does that make any sense.

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  169. Your rightblue. You sure can say whatever you want and when you do try that fake shite this is what's going to happen to you.

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  172. To all sociopaths : Whats the best way to react/ respond when it is obvious that i am being lied to? Do you want to be confronted? or is it best for me to overlook said lie ? (the person in question is aware that i suspect him of being sociopathic).

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  173. I thought I was the crony luke now I have cronies ?

    I am the abusive type luke and guess what so are you. Considering I have someone who actually married me and you are still unmarried with a kid and treat your women like a domestic servant I think the situation of a relationship falling to pieces is more likeky to happen to you not me.

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  174. where IS erin anyway? she has been m.i.a all day.

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  175. You were out of reach of punishment for three years luke are you fuckig kidding. What deal was that? How many names did you have to give up to get a carte blanche of three years. This is getting more and more ridiculous luke you can't expect anyone to believe that.

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  176. I hope she finally offed herself anon

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  177. O no you di-in't! *wags finger*

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  181. you can tell that mis doesn't even care very much about any of this, since he can drop the hostility and and turn it back on whenever he pleases.
    you two, you two need to give it a rest, already, this getting real old real fast.

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  182. Has anyone in here read the book Girl w/ the Dragon Tattoo? I was just gifted these and wanna know if they are even worth reading.

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  183. @Luke "what result do i want from it?" Good question, i guess i want him to accept the fact that i am willing to understand and accept him and that means dealing with lies that are sometimes so obvious and also unecessary. Also without him thinking of me as weak.

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  185. @Luke
    STFU

    @Ukan
    STFU

    ReplyDelete
  186. @hostility anon comment

    i would add to that however, that I think hostility is the way Ukan and I communicate.

    ReplyDelete
  187. I haven't slapped my wife luke, you are grabbibg straws again.

    ReplyDelete
  188. y dos sociapaths so stoopid?

    ReplyDelete
  189. He diant slap his wife. He threw her off a pier and kicked her in the head

    ReplyDelete
  190. Badass doesn't eat cornflakes in milk for breakfast, Badass eats nails in gasoline for breakfast.

    Badass doesn't get wet when he goes swimming, water gets Badass.

    Badass doesn't care about internet fights, Badass already knows he's Badass.

    ReplyDelete
  191. Badass doesn't get wet when he goes swimming, water gets Badass.

    ha!

    Lemme guess, when badass does pushups, he doesn't push himself up, he pushes the world down.

    ReplyDelete

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