Wednesday, September 21, 2011

Back for more (part 2)

(cont.)
As to how I knew he was lurking the Facebook world,
I was watching his little chat availability icon. When green, the little dot means a person has been actively using the site within the last five minutes. So I was sitting there, noticing that it was 4:30 in the morning and he was online...and I yearned to talk to him. It had been two months, two of the most painful months I'd ever experienced. I thought it but a fluke he hadn't de-friended me. I was sure that if I made my Facebook presence too conspicuous, he might do just that.

But I grew more confident that he knew I was still his Facebook friend at least and hadn't deleted me yet, so...I published status updates, vague stuff like movies I'd enjoyed. Or maybe it was just my commenting on a picture a mutual friend had posted on my wall...basically, I was just more Facebook active than usual.

Once, he posted that he wanted to start an organization for ending unnecessary anger and bitterness. Who would join him? He got like 19 likes on that, but it made me laugh.

After he messaged me that one night and I went over, he referenced parts of the stuff I'd been posting, and I suppose that was what tipped me off to the notion he'd been following me to some extent, with which some hidden sense of mine I'd suspected all along. Despite his cruel, absolute silence.

He confided in me today.
"I'm just a dick all the time, but I don't understand it," he says earnestly. "I don't even know I'm being a dick-well, yeah, I do know. Cuz I'm a dick all the time, it's true."
And, "Normal people, they don't have to learn how to talk, you know? I mean obviously I can talk, I just can't...."
"communicate?" I pipe in helpfully.

He has this thing, tells me I think too hard all the time. Which doesn't make sense to me really, but it is easier just to let him talk. "in order to understand me, you have to stop thinking about it. Once you start thinking about trying to understand me, you've already got it wrong. Just stop trying."

Hmm. He's so strange. A few nights ago I was at his house. I'd smoked this stuff called spice with him and was not enjoying myself, it was too strange for me, I squirmed. His attempt to comfort me was possibly well intentioned...but backhanded.
He said some things that were a bit insulting, but as if they were nice things to say. And all the while I am not sure if he is mocking me, or trying to be mean, or failing at being nice....
I feel weird about it and so I ask him about it the next day, expecting him to get angry as he has dealing with confrontation in the past.

But instead he apologizes profusely and says he thought he was saying only nice things (really? Is he lying? Still not sure) and he is so fucked up and mean and sorry. And, he says, last night he finally felt "sane and clearheaded"...he asks,
what am I? But I don't offer any opinions on the matter...poor boy, he is so confused.

He has this trail of girls that he leaves behind him. Many of them are excellent friends of mine. Actually, he picks the most fascinating people as friends. Truly, we are an odd tangle of social incestuous-ness, and he is at the center. A week ago, an old friend of mine stopped talking to me because after those two months of his silence and her consoling me, I went back to hanging out with him (to be fair though, I never lied about that to her)

"he is the Villain in my life, and you are supposed to be my Sidekick," she laments.

"that's so black and white," I say "there's grey in the world. Things aren't just useful or worthless, good or bad. Yes, he is an ass, he is crazy, but it's all a balancing game. If I didn't get something out of it, we wouldn't still be friends."

But she is stone cold, immovable on this. I think sociopath boy is quite complex, and rare, and fantastic. She thinks he is evil and why consort with evil things? It is not black and white, but there are people you'll never be able to explain this to.

244 comments:

  1. @Wheatley
    I got you all angry there yesterday, just as I wanted. I'm sure your retarted little sister would be proud that you defend her, that is if she would be able to comprehend it.

    Were you a two egg twin Wheatley? (you look about the same age) Do you feel guilty that you got the brains and she was left without any?

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  2. Just so you know dumb girl. If he is a socio, he is not leveling with you. He is evoking emotions, just like with the mild insults. He is sizing you up! Like a cat playing with its pray, you may think its cute, but you got dinner written all over your forehead and he is watching you. You dont know that he is a socio, but if he.is.he will only keep you as long as you can benefit him. I can see how you are already helping his image. Obviously not everyone thinks he is all that and you are his ambassador. A great manipulator will let you fell your self.

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  4. Well talking retarded. What they did here even disgust me:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yN9pQulF_vo

    If I would have been in the audience (not that I would want to be there), I would have stood up and left. So sociopaths have no scrupules? At least sociopaths will humiliate for a reason, and most of the time do it to benefit from it. If this can entertain the masses then I'm sure the average sociopath has more respect than the populi.

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  5. David
    I have a thread just for YOU on the forum.Come and say Hi :-)

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  6. Does Wheatley have a twin who is retarded?
    Where did you get that, David?

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  7. Oh geezus. This chick is just naive. This guy is playing the brooding misunderstood womanizer card and she thinks he's a sociopath?

    People are stupid. They'll believe whatever they want to continue their own delusions. She wants to believe there's something special here so she can justify the mistreatment and not feel as bad about herself. She wants to believe it's true. It doesn't make it actually true, but believing it makes it real enough and if this guy's not a complete idiot he'll pick up on it and use it to his advantage. Congratulations. You're another victim of a low level douchebag.

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  8. I think the first 2 or 3 parts define sociopathy very good, very eloquant:

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=rMYVpFwLRIk

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  9. Haven, what evidence do you have that this guy is not a sociopath?

    Whether your advice is correct or not, it's hard to value it since you gave it as an insult.

    What makes you an exprert? Because you were with one? How is anyone suppose to believe that since you tell everyone their wrong. Your the only one quailified with a expert opinion right?

    I'm not the poster, but your opinion was just to ignorant to ignor.

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  10. I don't expect or care if anyone believes me or not. It's an opinion. If you don't agree, so be it.

    I'm not in a mood to be sympathetic to teenage angst so apparently my tone comes out as insulting.

    This chick wants to believe this guy is special. Truth is, no one is inherently special. That comes of the value individuals place on things or people. She wants to believe it, so it makes it real for her, but the question becomes then, why place value on someone that treats you poorly? Whether this guy is a sociopath or not, he's definitely a jerk, but if she chooses to subject herself to it knowingly then she deserves no sympathy.

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  11. Haven, that i can agree with.

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  12. @blog

    Just a sign of the times.

    Here's why you think he's special... you read him off a social site which it's easy to fictionalize yourself on, and then in order to make himself interesting in person, he does drugs... and obviously so do you. It's your colorful imagination your having a relationship with, is what I'm saying here...

    If you guys stayed sober, he would probably remain interesting on Facebook, but become dull as shit in person.

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  13. I have a friend who has always turned her mates into magical creatures inside her head. She knows this about herself now too. We laugh about it all the time.

    I love to hear her tell me about one guy in particular, because it just shows how a great imagination, can turn a very dull world into an adventure.

    This guy, her mate, was very quiet... so she started telling this story in her head about how dark, and mysterious he was.
    He also used to eat leaves off of trees... and though she thought this was kind of unusual, she thought, "Oh wow... he's like a magical tree sprite!"

    That one cracks me up EVERY time!
    She's into reading Tarot cards, and healing stones. I think I just see her as a story teller, and so I'm drawn to magic of her fiction.

    She seems to have a lot of fun in her fictional world... and I enjoy partaking in it when I'm with her.

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  14. "sociopath boy" sounds so lame.

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  15. The women on here are so dull and boring.

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  16. I agree with Haven, this girl is in no position to diagnose anyone.

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  17. I would pound Kelly Rowland into next month, I don't usually bang blacks, but I'd make an except for her.

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  18. sam vaknin is ridiculously charismatic, who agrees?

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  19. He's not at all, and he even said so himself in one of his videos.

    His writing is to some degree, but not him.

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  20. He is Medusa, you can't deny his charisma, have you seen I, psychopath? He made a complete mockery of the narrator, bullied him and verbally abused him constantly.

    Vaknin could make it to the top in any profession, his whole personality is set to the get him ahead.

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  21. Yeah I saw it. That's not charisma, that's being a clever ass.

    Vaknin just skips the whole charisma part.

    Perhaps you should look up the definition of charisma.

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  22. Who would you class as being charismatic? I think you are disagreeing, just to disagree.

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  23. Lol David. For various reasons, that might actually be the dumbest thing anyone ever said to me.

    I just heard that the current boyfriend of my ex took a nosedive of a scaffold, blinding him on one eye and shattering his right wrist... on talk like a pirate-day...

    Now I can't stop picturing him with an eye patch and a hook for a hand. :D

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  24. Nope. Seriously, look it up.

    Charisma is an attracting force, not repelling like the overtly abusive Vaknin.

    Try Manson, Bundy, Jim Jones, etc.

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  25. I almost threw up reading this retarded story. Congratulations, you are losing friends to someone who can give two shits about you. Delete is phone number, block him on Facebook and pick up the little pieces of you that you have left off the floor. I can understand falling for him once, but now you are just asking for it.

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  26. Earlier today I imagined how I would feel is my housemate commited suicide.

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  27. Vaknin failed in all his endeavors already anon, except writing. He already did all that corporate jazz and failed miserably.

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  28. Wheatley, nothing. I might feel some curiosity about the meaning of life or some shit, or rather just basic curiosity about how people work, but none of that really has anything to do with her.

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  29. Overtly abusive or not, the guy is extremely glib.

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  30. "Glib != charisma."

    LOL

    So what all did you watch last night Medusa, and what did you think?

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  31. hmmmmm, something's missing here? this is very dull.

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  32. I think Vaknin has the charisma of a lizard purse.

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  33. @blog

    You are all so hostile. This kid was my best friend long before I fell in love with him. I have had some fantastic times with him. The fact that he doesn't love me back doesn't matter to me anymore. I love everything about who he is and I am no longer vulnerable enough for him to hurt me. The traits of his sociopathy are well evident. The justification is immense, and in the interest of lively conversation you could perhaps just take my word for it (and disbelieve it if you'd like)

    Just because I'm an empath and he is a sociopath you all make such callous judgements, like there are no worthwhile aspects to our relationship. How very narrow sighted and oblivious! He is my best friend, and the summation of a person is not their pathology. That is an entirely one dimensional view of human nature! Get outside yourselves for a moment.

    There are MANY, beautiful worthwhile things. He is worth it simply because he is rare. And you sociopaths think you are so cunning and powerful that you could hurt a person who is no longer vulnerable to you, who knows your inability to love, has seen you at your weakest and at your best?

    I'm not some ex of his, some obsessed seductee. He is also my best friend, as fucked up a friend as all of me and my friends know he can be...there is a reason he still has friends, fyi

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  34. i'm getting that zhawq vibe from bluebird, she's up to something.

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  35. I think you're paranoid anon, like every person who comes to this site.

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  36. Just because I'm an empath and he is a sociopath you all make such callous judgements

    It's not that, it's just we've seen sooo many people come in here saying the exact same things that you have. Exact. Verbatim.

    There have been many clones of your relationship. It's not special. I'm sorry, it's not. I know you are holding onto the 'specialness' and 'rarity', because it appears that that is the only thing you have to hold on to, but it's all bullshit, and superficial.

    And you sociopaths think you are so cunning and powerful that you could hurt a person who is no longer vulnerable to you, who knows your inability to love, has seen you at your weakest and at your best?

    It's not so much that the sociopaths are cunning or powerful, it's that you are obviously vulnerable.

    You talk about him like he is a Christmas present, or your newest album purchase, or some cute one-eyed freak cat, not someone you actually really care about as a person and have a relationship with.

    Funny how you find the sociopaths here to be disgusting, yet yours is somehow a special case? Come on, now.

    Not obsessed? Yeah, that's why you wrote to ME several times, that's why you visit this site, that's why you are so defensive.

    You are telling us that we are harsh and hostile, yet how is it you are vulnerable to internet strangers, but not your special best friend?

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  37. So he's manipulative but he doesn't even hide that he's an asshole. fail.

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  38. Didn't get around to watching anything last night, Eden.

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  40. Medusa is right, Blue. You don't want to see it.

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  41. Are we hostile or are you defensive. You wrote:


    "Two months later, sociopath boy contacts me after skulking around Facebook for an hour. I was extremely surprised as at this point I was never expecting to see him again. It's four in the morning and he basically tells me that he's horny and do I want to come over and have sex with him..."

    In steps the sucker:

    "I am shocked and also horny and elated at the thought of seeing him again so I say yes..."

    and then

    I ask him, "what did I do to make our friendship dead?"

    "I don't think you did anything," he says. "I'm just a freak."

    As per our friendship's "deadness", he remarks that, "I meant dead as in it would never be the same again. Like it died to be reborn, now it's something else." so our friendship is a Phoenix, I suppose? What a funny creature he is. But he is very sexy.

    You are obviously smitten with this bloke. That there is no doubt. You rant on about him like some fifteen year old girl that just got fucked for her first time. It's obvious by this statement:

    "He let me wonder if he'd blocked my number but did as much as admit that he had been reading my text messages, even though he never replied and let me believe otherwise. He let me completely break down and I let him proceed with our friendship as if nothing had ever happened. What else can I do? He is fascinating. I suppose he is worth it."

    The way I read what you wrote is your reaction and his actions. You say he cast you aside and ignored you, and your reaction was to pepper him with text messages none of which he responded to. When he needs to get laid two months later he gives you a ring and you are waiting with baited breath. He fires off some bollocks like:

    "in order to understand me, you have to stop thinking about it. Once you start thinking about trying to understand me, you've already got it wrong."

    What he's saying here is that he doesn't want you to figure him out. He tries to keep you in a constant state of confusion. While you are in a state of confusion he can dazzle you with his tricks. His play on words. He is right. You show complete naivety. I have had birds like you in my life before all wide eyed with wonder on what I will say next. The more cryptic it sounds the better. The funny thing is that the joke is right in the center of it.
    Your relationship has changed. You are now another bird on the side. You think you will become his main dish, you are wrong. As soon as someone steps in that demands his full attention you will be out on your ear again and I guarantee you all this shite you talk about no being in love with him will hit you like a fucking tidle wave.

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  42. @Medusa

    It's true, us empaths are vulnerable by nature. But those of aware of our vulnerabilities are able to mediate how we *think* about how we feel. You say I speak of him like a "Christmas present" or a "new album", but I hey the sense you are mistaking my affections and emotions for something shallow because as a sociopath you probably haven't ever experienced love.

    He is a special friend-hell, all my friends are special. He is a fantastic musician. His music is his only lover. I've always had a special affinity for artists. Despite his interpersonal callousness, there is a nova that burns right through him when he is immersed in playing music. I don't generally hang around people that don't give no fucks about other people, but the glaring contradiction within him just makes me gravitate towards him. I can't help it. If he was all cold and there was no passion within him...I do not know, perhaps then it would not be worth my time, but the fire and the ice...it is a strange thing, I feel as if it should not exist at all....

    I'm not saying he could not hurt me, only that since I understand that he can hurt me, I can distance my emotional reactions from my rational interpretation of my emotional state and the way I choose to let my emotional state influence me.

    I am vulnerable to all of you random Internet socios, but only on a mental/intellectual level. You can't assume that just because your sociopaths I am emotionally vulnerable to any of you. I'm not. I don't know any of you. I value your input as a chance force to be forced to think critically about what I believe and attempt to justify my actions and perspectives. I think this is valuable-it is what intellectual discourse is all about. But emotionally none of you have any sway.

    And none of you disguist me-the hostility I perceive is an observation, not a subjective judgement.

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  43. He let me wonder if he'd blah blah blah....

    You are reading so many things into this text messaging/call blocking/facebook stuff that probably aren't there.

    You want to feel like his actions are about you personally, and purposeful, because it makes you feel like you are someone important to him that he thinks about, but I really really doubt any of your imaginative analysis is true.

    I kinda even doubt he is even trying to play you on purpose. But it sounds like you really really wish he was, because it's better than nothing.

    Get him off your facebook. I know you won't, but your own wandering mind is dangerous to yourself.

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  44. @ Bluebird

    I am not sure what you are trying to get from this blog. You have a blinking victim sign while you spill all of your innermost obsessive thoughts and blah blah on here and expect sort of understanding or maybe compassion. Wrong place hunny.

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  45. Did I ever say I was a sociopath?

    I say you speak of him like a Christmas present because you are so fixated on his "rarity" and "specialness" and not on any actual redeeming qualities, qualities that have to do with real friendship and love. Which would be intimacy, trust, respect, communication, shit like that.

    Good god, you just described just about any artist or musician that has ever walked the face of the earth.

    Is this the first artist you have ever met or something?

    Seriously, try out a few more before you decide that this one guy is so unique.

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  46. Good god, you just described just about any artist or musician that has ever walked the face of the earth.

    Also, I should qualify this and say that this is the image that most artist try to project. Most of the time it's bullshit narcissism.

    But it works well on groupie types.

    I'm not saying he could not hurt me, only that since I understand that he can hurt me, I can distance my emotional reactions

    Yeah, this is what kids learn to do when being raised by narcissist parents.

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  47. @UKan

    It's true. But I've known him for two years now. It hasn't really been a relationship centered entirely on the fact that I love him. But since I do, what's the problem with fucking him? As I said, I do not expect reciprocation. I do get horny and few there are few people I feel the desire to have sex with.

    My emotional pull towards him IS what it is, I'm stupid, fine. But I don't gain anything by removing him from my life and he's a pretty fun guy. Why should I deprive myself of that for a little emotional stability I don't even want? Seems dumb.

    He's made me no promises. I know who he is. He tells me all the time he's just fucking with everybody and he doesn't give a shit about anyone. But it's fun to be around him he makes me horny I find him interesting and I know he'll never care about me. So what's the issue?

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  48. It's true, us empaths are vulnerable by nature. But those of aware of our vulnerabilities are able to mediate how we *think* about how we feel.



    the glaring contradiction within him just makes me gravitate towards him. I can't help it.


    My translation of this is that you think you are in control, but you are clearly fooling yourself.
    Medusa is not and has not claimed to be a sociopath. She is just a straight shooter.
    You think the fire and ice is a sign of depth. In reality he changes to what he needs in order to get what he wants. It's not a contradiction. For him you have to think of motives at the core. Everything else is just means to a end. My wife read what you wrote about him being multidimensional and laughed. Sociopaths are one dimensional: Whims. Everything outside of that falls by the side.
    Nobody gives a shite about your relationship except to tell you that you are a fucking idiot. If you had a chance at anything I would tell you. People have come here that actually have ongoing good relationships with sociopaths. My wife and I have a good relationship, at least in my opinion. You, my friend, are fish food.

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  49. So what's the issue?

    I suppose there is none, if you like being a groupie.

    Nothing personal and no offense intended, but I find groupies to be the most pathetic form of humankind. Maybe even more pathetic than narcissists.

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  50. If you love someone and they don't love you back you are in a shite situation. You fire excuses and paint pictures of him that don't exist. There's nothing wrong with having anyone as a fuck buddy including people who are sociopaths. I had a few myself. I wasn't in love with them though and I'm sure that is ten times easier for me than it is for you.

    It humors me that women like you have this stance, but down the line you are crowing about how awful we were to you later on. You are setting yourself up. You don't want to fuck anyone else because he is everything to you. I had open relationships with women who would not fuck anyone else even though I was all over town. Now I know why.

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  51. You can't claim abuse if your willing I suppose.

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  52. Oh boy. I don't want compassion. I don't give a fuck about any of that. I just like to write. I've met many artists. Most of em are full of shit. Is it so much to believe he really is special???

    It doesn't matter I suppose.

    I was right, just by the way. I was obsessive (I always find something to obsess about, it could be a person or a disease or an eating disorder). But I turned our to be right about all of my imaginary analysis were accurate. I do this to just about everyone I know to some extent anyway, trying to predict their behavior. When I'm wrong I refine my hypothesis. When I'm correct I add to my repertoire of information.

    But. In this case, I was right. This was confirmed by the kid himself. Occasionally, you know, obsessive thought leads to accurate findings. Just because I may or may not pay an unhealthy amount of attention to a thing in a vapid attempt to understand does not mean my thought process is not valid. I do oat attention to tiny details, but in most aspects of life for me this has lead to fruitful results.

    He is the only one I can't manipulate. Have any of you considered that might be why I enjoy him?

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  53. He is the only one I can't manipulate. Have any of you considered that might be why I enjoy him?

    Wow, nice bait a switch. Suddenly you are the predator?

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  54. I think you came here expecting all of us to tell you how brave you are and how happy we are people like you exist. That was a mistake. :)

    You remind me of an ex-classmate. She's not quite as far gone as you are though. Haven't spoken to her in a couple of months.

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  55. Funny how you laid out all the pieces of the puzzle but you have no idea how to put them together.

    You just revealed yourself as really fucked up (which is okay, this is SW afterall, and it's a given anyway with anyone that comes here) before you even met this guy... perhaps you should attempt to connect your eating disorders/obsessiveness/whatever other mental issues you have with the fact that you are so taken with this guy. They are both symptoms of your own deep issues, and they are directly related to each other. Your problems are why you are so attracted to this guy.

    The reason you have an eating disorder is the same reason you are attracted to him.

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  56. I've met many artists. Most of em are full of shit. Is it so much to believe he really is special???

    I'm in disbelief that you can't hear yourself.

    But. In this case, I was right. This was confirmed by the kid himself.

    Well, that must be gospel. You told him all the excuses you made for him and the new character you want him to be and he said he's willing to play the role. Good job. If I was in his shoes I would be laughing at you hysterically.

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  57. I've met many artists. Most of em are full of shit. Is it so much to believe he really is special???

    Yes, it really is. Lets say he is special for a moment - you are obviously not to him. You are better off investing in a good porno and a dildo. Besides, those artsy types are overrated anyways. You apparently need a stronger man to tone your ass down.

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  58. I have to come out of the Forum, for a mo, and say "Well done, Medusa"
    Maybe,I could put the name Goddess back on ya. :-)

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  59. @UKan

    Wait, how do you know I'm fish food? He's my best friend. I fuck him on the side, but that doesn't mean we don't have a meaningful friendship. If you wanted a boring amount of information about our friendship you might change your mind about it, but at present, how do you really know what our general interactions are like? The info I sent me was a way for me to vent my emotions on breaks at work or between classes. It's really not an accurate summation of the sort of relationship we have. My love for him nonewithstanding, we have shared a lot of experiences and he will NEVER be in a long term relationship-he was over these long before I fell in love with him-but that doesn't mean he has no meaningful friendships, and in a cooler more refined way I think he does consider me an important friend.

    @blog
    I didn't know whether or not medusa was a sociopath, I just assume most of you are-you don't have any blinking "sociopath" icons or anything to make it obvious and on the Internet it's hard to guess.

    Also I'm not a groupie. I work, I go to school, I study, philosophize, read, think deeply. I have a very large and separate social circle and I am hoping the right person comes along for me soon. I would not deny that person simply because I love this sociopath.

    Loving someone is not the same as being a groupie, silly people. Sometimes love simply looks similar. I just love him. I can live without him too, and I do fine.

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  60. Christ Erin, you are starting to sound like my housemate.

    But Goddess, yeah, I'll take it.

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  61. @medusa

    My problems are why I'm so attracted to him. EXACTLY. Sun tzu say love those who show you how you are weak. The most beneficial thing about falling in love with him has been how it has shown everything that is wrong with me. Those who fall in love with him always have some deep fundamental tissue in their sanity. That is such an interesting thing about him-how he reflects that. I've thought about it before. I haven't yet figured out what about me made me fall the way I did. It's something I'm still mulling over.

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  62. Someone shut this bitch up already!!! No one cares about you and your fucked up head.

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  63. He's my best friend.

    Damn, if that's what you call a best friend, I cannot imagine what your non-best friends are like.

    and in a cooler more refined way I think he does consider me an important friend.

    Self-delusion. You want it to be this soooooooo bad. Refined. Cool. Above, transcendent, extraordinary.

    The info I sent me was a way for me to vent my emotions on breaks at work or between classes. It's really not an accurate summation of the sort of relationship we have.

    And your backtracking is making you look even worse, dear.

    You sound like someone who was very neglected by her parents and peers growing up.

    And yes, you are exactly a groupie. It's not like groupies don't have jobs.

    If you were really so comfortable with your situation, you would not be here.

    Let alone need to defend yourself, and even more so, him. To a bunch of faceless strangers, no less.

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  64. Don't read it then anon :P
    Nobody is forcing you

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  65. The most beneficial thing about falling in love with him has been how it has shown everything that is wrong with me.

    This is the only smart thing you've said so far.

    Only thing is you frame it like he is your healer and guru. Saviour. Like he has special powers.

    You're the one with that power though, not him.

    It's like getting into a car crash and then worshiping the guy who hit you for showing you what your guts look like.

    UNLESS...

    ...you are saying that because he is telling you directly what is wrong with you, with the intent to weaken you. That's a different story altogether.

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  66. @medusa

    Ok. You're right. If I was comfortable I wouldn't be here. It's dysfunctional. It's not healthy. But I didn't send these emails to M.e for validation. I Just wanted a way to express and rid myself of my circular thoughts. I said sure he could publish it because I thought it would be interesting
    And it has been.

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  67. @ bluebird

    Now that you at least see that it is unhealthy, maybe you should speak to your doctor about getting on anxiety meds or something. Kind of help take that edge off of that circular thinking and worrying.

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  68. Also, love is supposed to show you what is right with you. That's how you know.

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  69. Bluebird dee
    >Also I'm not a groupie. I work, I go to school, I study, philosophize, read, think deeply.

    >I study, philosophize, read, think deeply.

    Funniest comment on this blog

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  70. ...and studied all kind of things for years.

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  71. @ bluebird

    the only reason I mention meds is because (I am not a socio )I have been caught up in some narc bs and the meds can help me at times when I cannot help myself.

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  72. It's not a friendship if you are fucking Bird. It's not a friendship if you are fucking and you are in love. It's not a fucking friendship if he doesn't call when you are not fucking for two months and calls you at 4am after "skulking" on facebook for a hour. In other words he checked every other bird in his "friends" list on facebook and you were the last one he called. I've done the same thing. I've gotten drunk and had nothing lined up and just went down the numbers in my cell phone until I hit pay dirt. THEY ALWAYS ASK WHY YOU DIDN'T CALL ANYMORE. I give them a string of hope. After I do it to them three or four times they don't pickup anymore.

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  73. I've known it's wrong since I fell in love with him. The first 8 months of knowing him I'd say when asked, "I wouldn't touch that disaster with a ten foot pole". I watched him fuck up my best friend and tried to tell her everything you are all telling me now. I didn't realize how deeply he'd insinuated himself in my life till he extricated himself from my world for a short while and then my feelings for him hit me like a brick fucking wall. You want a study in masterful seduction? His seduction of me was expertly played. All the time I am hating myself for feeling the way I do but feeling the way I do anyway.

    That's the problem. I fall in love with people who are wrong. I don't know WHAT right could possibly be for me! Sweet men make me squirm, sane men make me tired.

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  74. >His seduction of me was expertly played.
    Nope, stop romanticizing him, he told you he was a socially awkward asshole. Having a female fall for you doesn't take anything it happens all the time with zero manipulation, study a bit of jungian psychology and bam your abilities double. You are an easy lay, bathing in the care of your internet friends, you probably don't want to respond to me because I am anonymous.

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  75. Sweet men make me squirm, sane men make me tired.

    Yeah, it's the whole "bad boy" thing. You are young.

    You won't know what would be right for you until you go through the trauma of really taking an honest look at yourself. Meaning, going to hell and back.

    You have to know (and accept) yourself first in order to know what you need.

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  76. @ bluebird

    bith u iz ignorint for beang so well leerned and all

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  77. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  78. You have to know (and accept) yourself first in order to know what you need.

    That even goes for sociopaths.

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  79. If you have sex with him you will be stuck, beacuse you don't know how to seperate.
    Dont listen to sparklebug. She's pretty retarded, but nothing is new about that.

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  80. That even goes for sociopaths.

    I was just gonna say UKan, there are certain basic truths and processes, whether you are fucked up or not, that are still the same for everybody.

    Sparklebug, are you even paying attention, or are you just an idiot?

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  81. @anon

    I don't have Internet friends (none of you would call me your friends, right?). I do, however, have many real nonsociopathic friends, for which I am very grateful indeed. But I digress. I dont fall for people generally. I would not have fallen for him if he hadn't of been my best friend, made himself indispensable to me without my noticing, made me his "protégée", gave me a special abusive affection long before it entered my mind that he might be a sociopath and I was perhaps being manipulated.

    That he was sociopathic I did not find out until I'd already fallen for him. I try to go back when I mess up and see what had happened to me. There is nothing romantic about being manipulated anyway, so I can't understand why you'd accuse me of romanticizing anything....

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  82. Yep
    The definition of Hell is looking at yourself

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  83. Who's this Sparklebug anyway? Is this someone who was around while I was gone or something?

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  84. Women who go for bad boys are low in self confidence, hence why most end up being magnets for abuse.

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  85. I am down for some bird hunting

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  86. That he was sociopathic I did not find out until I'd already fallen for him.

    That's the case 99% of the time.

    There is nothing romantic about being manipulated anyway, so I can't understand why you'd accuse me of romanticizing anything....

    No, there isn't, but your romantisizing it serves as a way to mitigate your pain.

    Just because something isn't romantic, doesn't mean it can't be romanticized.

    A lot of people romanticize heroin, and the junkie lifestyle.

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  87. I don't know. I thought I remembered her from a while back. Then again I left and came back around the same time you did. I think misanthrope did too.

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  88. Most girls have a "bad boy" phase. Or are at least attracted to them, even if nothing comes of it. It's as old as time.

    Girls get 'dangerous' and 'strong' mixed up until they grow up some.

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  89. Seducing women is as easy as A,B,C

    Just recently I asked a female I've known for less than a week if she wanted to study history with me, she did. Now I've doubled my chances of having sex with her, the next step is to get in the friend zone, build up trust etc. Then I make a move, make it clear that I want more, if she denies me then that is fine it shouldn't be too hard to put myself back in the friendzone as long as I was gentle in showing my intentions. After the incident has slipped her mind I try again, if that fails repeat as many times as necessary. This technique is so simple but so effective, eventually you will find a time when she will take the next step with you. I bet everyone here has seen it work many times before, I have.

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  90. By the way it is nero here ^^^

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  91. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  92. Sociopaths aren't obvious bad boys, Medusa. Most of the time they are timid and courtly around others (the mask)

    A typical bad boy would be acting cocky and trying to look cool.

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  93. gimmie the ABC's of seducing a man.

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  94. Anon 1:43, yeah, true.

    I guess I'm thinking more of narcissists.

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  95. Men are more promiscuous so it is easier that being said, I don't know anything about the field so I won't comment.

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  96. Yeah, narcissists are loud mouths. I'm not saying sociopaths aren't very arrogant, that would be wrong, but the sociopaths are more self conscience than a narcissist.

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  97. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  98. I would not have fallen for him if he hadn't of been my best friend, made himself indispensable to me without my noticing, made me his "protégée"

    I tried to make my wife my protegee. That;s even the word I used. She was just fine when I met her, but I wanted to mold her into a person just like me. I was pretty hard on her. It ended up with her not eating anymore, losing weight, and attempting suicide. She's better now that I left her alone for a year and let her figure herself out. In fact she is on the road to success, top of her class, and went from being a intern to being hired at a good company.
    My point is I realized that my mind does not belong in hers.

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  99. While I haven't seen it proven, I always think that very subtle changes in the way you present yourself can make a big difference in seduction, like the tone of voice you use, using a low pitched quiet tone of voice definitely makes the telling of a story far better and more involving, I think it attracts females also.

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  101. But still, once you realize that the sociopath is a sociopath, he then becomes a "bad boy" in the girls mind.

    Must be fixed/tamed/saved/fucked/humoured/served/understood.

    Deep down they are just lonely and in pain and want love! They just need to be shown how, and only I am special enough to see their beauty deep down inside.~

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  102. The sociopath is only abusive in private.

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  103. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  104. Sparklebug, who exactly are you having a conversation with?

    Your shit is so random.

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  105. Can't I level with you people without you all wanting to shoot me? I'm here for dispassionate discourse. Goodness, this shouldn't make any if us highly emotional. None of us have any stake in this blog or these posts, not really.

    It's interesting to me that the reactions of you all are similar to the reactions I'd get from people on love fraud, were I to go there. Sure, you are all more blunt and less compassionate about it but the resounding message is the same: "you are stupid idiot worthless victim, get him out of your life".

    Fine-not saying this isn't valid. But I suppose I was expecting a couple of you to say, fine-if it is a mutually acknowledged relationship, and if you enjoy it to some extent, and it is not interfering with your personal functionality and autonomy-why not?

    But you are all SO disgusted with me. You don't even know ms. You just know I love a sociopath. But you all are really truly disgusted with me! I find it curious.

    My intent here is to simply be honest, guys. I respect that you are all being honest, too. I expected more dispassion from you guys than vehemence. But I'm in no way implying any of your points are invalid.

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  106. @Medusa

    I think it was a comment to Ukan talking about his wife - but yeah that's really random

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  107. Whoa, UKan, I didn't know she tried to off herself. How is it you didn't just see her as pathetic and discard her forever? As you would with any other girl who does stuff like that.

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  108. Yeah I got that one, sweetcheeks, but the previous comments were like, wtf.

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  110. blue, you mention your partner being a sociopath and expect the socios to care, as if there is some sort of sociopath brotherhood. the truth is unless you are speaking about the sociopaths here, they won't be interested.

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  111. I wonder if bluebirds idolized sociopathic fuck buddy used a similar technique to @1:41 I bet he did, I bet all he had to do was talk to her, friendzone her, then suggest taking it to the next level a few times, and she was slobbering all over his dick after drawing pink hearts on her wall with 'bluebird 4 sociopath' written in them.

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  112. UKan I would also like to know if she was at all vindictive towards you after that.

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  113. Sparklebug, Bluebird is not you, you fucking narc.

    Clearly she's not the sort who could handle that kind of situation.

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  115. If my girlfriend tried to commit suicide, I'd laugh.

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  116. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  117. I'm just fine, it's you who is annoying.

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  118. My words to you Blue

    I'm rolling up my catnip and shitting in your litter
    Why you looking bitter? I be looking better
    The type of bitch that make you wish that you ain't never met her

    hahahahaha - does that make me deep and mysterious to you. LOOK MA I AM AN ARTIST

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  119. And I've been up for 24 hours straight.

    SO FUCK OFF~

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  120. @anon

    Nope, actually it took him 8 months and he didn't get in my pants until after 2 years and he was very hesitant about it. He didn't mind using my best friend for sex but be was way more careful before even approaching it with me. He was worried about it because be knew I was in love with him. Our relationship was nonsexual for a very long time, actually! And whatever stupid technique you've mentioned is kind of retarded. You could learn a thing or two from the art of seduction by robert Greene, dearie.

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  122. @sweetcheeks

    Uhm, no sorry. It actually takes a lot to impress me, which obviously none of you believe because you're all making fun of me. It's ok though-it's not something I can prove to any of you over the Internet so I'll just have to accept that you will think my standards are pretty low and that petty parlor tricks work on my juvinille mind or whatever.

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  123. Bluey, show me your tits and I'll listen.

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  124. >actually it took him 8 months
    So he friendzoned you first, which is exactly what I said.
    I never specified a time, saying 'it took him very long actually' is irrelevant and shows that you can't understand what the post says without throwing in your own unfounded assumptions about it.

    >And whatever stupid technique you've mentioned is kind of retarded
    OK

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  125. I was expecting a couple of you to say fine

    I sooo fucking called it.

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  126. Two years?

    Sorry to say, but you must've been a last resort.

    And then I read this:

    He didn't mind using my best friend for sex but be was way more careful before even approaching it with me. He was worried about it because be knew I was in love with him.

    A thousand 'oy veys'.

    His hesitation wasn't because he was protecting your feelings, or because he didn't want to hurt you.

    He just wanted her more than he wanted you.

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  127. I hammered it out of her way after she had tried it. Being with me seven days a week is pretty hard, especially if I'm trying to hammer my lack of values into you. At the time it happened I thought I was waking her up to the real world. If she didn't go along with it I would go off the handle on her. It made sense why she tried to off herself. If you think the way I talk to people on here is cruel sometimes it is nothing compared to who I am in real life. I am consistently abusive and I know it but I cant stop. My friends, family, and girlfriends I've had (including my wife) are magnetized to me still for some reason. Like being tied to a burning stake.
    Sparklebug judging by your picture you could actually use losing some weight. Maybe you can give my wife your food.

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  128. Fuck her. Keep it coming with the stories, good stuff.

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  129. Could be. But he never had to resort to ms at all. My friend would have went right on fucking him as long as he wanted. Anyway I'm pretty sure of his physical attraction to me. I kept a video cam around the house for the longest time. He took random videos, me sleeping (weird as fuck as this is), down my shirt...not that I noticed these till I was rewatching later. It's not like we didn't kiss or anything. But at the time it was my friend he was bangin' yeah. But he ignored her all the time and privately told me he loved me and I was stupid enough to believe him so whatever.

    He acted on certain impulses that made it clear there was an evident physical attraction. He was always tackling ms and holding me down and biting me and pulling me up by my neck.

    So, I don't know guys. Again, he never needed to "resort" to me. He had plenty of options. I'm not surprised you all said this. Pretty predictable, but it's a bit misguided.

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  130. @ BLUE - I tried talking to you about it but you don't even respond to half of my comments. I am not trying to trick you and I am not socio... I have been screwed by little pricks before and I am young so I bet I could relate on some level. I will be honest with you but I am not going to spill my beans to someone who is gonna flip it around and defend their abuser or whatever. When you are ready to talk to me... then maybe I will tell you a little bit about me before you spout off about how great this guy is.

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  131. You're thinking that somehow, you were tailor-made to be able to see how he really is so you can help him or whatever. But you're not. He either tailor-made himself for you to think that, or he got really lucky because you thought that he telling you he is socially inept was some kind of master manipulation which you saw through because you're not like all those other people that fell for people like him.

    He's probably just along for the ride. You should do the same, but can't because you've developed feelings for him. Therefore, you should end it on your terms, not on his.

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  132. He took random videos, me sleeping (weird as fuck as this is), down my shirt...not that I noticed these till I was rewatching later.

    He acted on certain impulses that made it clear there was an evident physical attraction. He was always tackling ms and holding me down and biting me and pulling me up by my neck.


    Sounds more like control/power games than attraction. I guess it's all the same to a sociopath, though. But it's not the kind of attraction you think it is.

    He was attracted to you because he found out he could do this kind of stuff and get away with it.

    How do you not find that stuff creepy?

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  133. Wheat, I think she's past wanting to 'save' him, at least intellectually.

    She knows she has to accept him as he is. Whether she actually does or not is another story.

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  134. Believe it or not he's actually not huge on sex. He needs it, he doesn't really care about who it's with. But he isnt crazy about it. He can go for awhile without it. Most of his seductions are very short, and actually most don't end in sex at all. He only has sex with a select few. His first girlfriend and him didn't fuck until a year into their relationship. Not that he's had a girlfriend in years....

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  135. this is what sociopaths do, they treat you like a stuffed animal and make you fear them..

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  136. UKan I would also like to know if she was at all vindictive towards you after that.

    To be honest, I think so. That's what led to me hammering it out of her. I looked back at our whole relationship. She was really happy and then when I started having her come out with me in my business I had tried to change her to survive out there. Her mind wasn't meant for it and when she resisted I would call her weak and other names I won't go into. After a while I think it wore her down.
    I didn't see it as weak because there is not a girl out there that I've dated that would ever walk the streets she walked with me. I don't really understand limits that well with people and obviously I pushed her passed hers.

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  137. Believe it or not he's actually not huge on sex.

    Makes sense. Because it's not about sex, as I said. It's only a tool.

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  139. That's what the "whatever" was for. The "tailor-made" stuff still sounds true.

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  140. UKan did she ever try to get revenge on you? Or at least talk shit about you?

    Or did she just stay in bed and cry and stuff.

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  141. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  142. His first girlfriend and him didn't fuck until a year into their relationship.

    By who's account?

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  143. @medusa

    It really is about the power games for this guy. I think he enjoys them more than anything. He's big into that sort of sadomasochism stuff too (so am I)

    I guess the only reason I don't find it creepy is because he's hot. Rather, it IS creepy, he IS creepy, but it becomes hard for someone to seem creepy when they are so sexy...it's confusing to me but I don't see him as creepy even though he does creepy things

    @sweetcheeks

    I can't hate him. I'm sorry. I don't really mean to defend him, I just know that I could turn around and go yeah stupid dick stupid ass I hate that fuck

    But life is complicated, even bad people can show you good things. Even something harmful can end up showing you something you've never understood before...do you know what I mean?

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  145. @ Sparklebug

    your name fucking sucks and so do your posts

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  146. Sparklebug the fact you have regular cordial conversations with Erin tells everyone who you really are. The fact that you have a picture of your cat covering your fat ugly face tells me that you are alone. Take your bitterness over to Erin's forum where you two can talk about having sex with your immediate family. Oh, I mean being molested.

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  147. You shouldn't hate him. You should be indifferent. Hating people lets them control you.

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  148. I guess the only reason I don't find it creepy is because he's hot. Rather, it IS creepy, he IS creepy, but it becomes hard for someone to seem creepy when they are so sexy...it's confusing to me but I don't see him as creepy even though he does creepy things

    I get that. The ex junkie dude was referred to as a "creepy old man" which I thought was hot. Because he was a creepy old man. He called himself that, but left out the "old" part because he's narc.

    Even something harmful can end up showing you something you've never understood before...do you know what I mean?

    Indeed I do.

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  149. Medusa, my wife isn't vindictive. She is also codependant. She doesn't fire at outside influences. She takes it all inside. She's also introverted so it's hard to figure her out sometimes and see what's going on. Especially for someone like me.

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  150. Sparklebug did you used to go by the name Empath?

    Are you that creepy stupid shit that tried to convince notme that she was autistic based on nothing?

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  151. @ blue

    i never said to hate him!! ugh i wanna pull my hair out. you don't want help or real advice. maybe attention i dunno. u are officially a fucking retard in my book. This world would be a better place if natural selection would just take care of your ass before you have children.

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  152. ukan who do you dislike more, codependents or narcs?

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  153. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  154. Thanks UKan, just trying to figure out how much your wife and I are really alike or not.

    I'm a bit more fiery I suppose. Which you said to me like a year ago.

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  155. Sweetcheeks, calm down, she's not Erin.

    Just in like two hours she's come further than Erin has in the many months she's been here.

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  156. Sparklebug's deleted commentSeptember 21, 2011 at 2:40 PM

    "No."

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  157. Why the hell would you delete that comment?

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  158. @UKan

    You are right. I wish I could be indifferent. As far away from love ad possible. This is very hard for empaths, and I envy you sociopaths this ability.

    @sweetcheeks

    Well then thank you for being so eloquent and explaining what you mean so articulately, it is perfectly sensible that my inability to comprehend your nonexistent rationale would make you pray for my sterility. You cant have a mature discussion by forcing your point with childish insults like, "fucking retard hope u don't have kids stfu & die".
    It makes me laugh when people go that avenue.

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  159. @ Medusa

    is this regarding blue? my patience has been running rather slim lately

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  160. Bluebird, why are you so agreeable? That's not a good quality.

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  161. It wasn't just that comment, she deleted everything. Interesting way of trying not to look suspicious, if you ask me.

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  162. Sweekcheeks, yes.

    Wheatley, hah. I guess she is that mental little projectile shit after all.

    I had nothing to go on but a hunch. Damn I'm good.

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  163. I would say she is as fiery as you now. She stands up to me a lot now. Sometimes when she shouldn't, but I'm sure that is a matter of opinion.

    Sparklebug has a history of deleting her comments. A lot of them. Probably so we won't go back and see how retarded she was when we were not here to catch her.


    ukan who do you dislike more, codependents or narcs?

    I don't dislike codependants. I'm married to one. As for narcs, fuckem all. I can't stand them. I hate having to hear someone's lies that are so obvious. Sometimes if I'm in a group and they are busy telling lies about how great they are I can't control myself and call them out on it. They get so embarrassed. Afterwards they always kiss my arse for some reason.

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  164. Maybe she got mad at being called fat. :P

    And why did you change your name and delete your profile picture, Blue? And I'm not sure how much personal information is on your blog, but now I at least know you live in California.

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  165. @ medusa

    I don't know what Erin was like when she got here but I have a soft spot for Erin because 1) she and what she writes makes me laugh 2) she welcomed me :)

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  166. UKan do you think narcs are cowardly?

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  167. The smart ones realize it's fucking stupid to put a photo of themselves up in here.

    Hi sparklebug

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  168. Hi Medusa no I'm not empath. Just not into these kind of threads. I was on here a few months previous and having a pretty good time before 3-4 males on here were threatening to rape, kill, and rape me post mortem. So I left. I figured it was the commonsense thing to do. I was on a couple nights ago as well, and it was interesting and fun for the most part. But Ukan has some kind of problem. Interestingly enough, when I was on a few months ago he told me I reminded him of his wife and he said that he understood me...creepy. The hotility eventually affects me. All I did was tell this girl to stop feeling guilty nad enjoy the relationship for what it was and for some reason you and Ukan became angry. That's a yp not an mp as they say. Goodbye.

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  169. Erin turned the forum into psychforums.

    Good for her, I guess, she seems to be doing okay over there so far.

    Though I do think she should get a job or something.

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  170. Speaking of the forum; all these new people have started popping up over there, so I guess UKan's prediction was spot on.

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  171. UKan do you think narcs are cowardly?

    Depends on the situation. If it's in front of everyone they will not back down. They will cause a lot of shite.
    Later I learned to take some aside, put my arm around their shoulder, and whisper to them about how the situation is about to turn and they go along quiet.

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  172. I was on here a few months previous and having a pretty good time before 3-4 males on here were threatening to rape, kill, and rape me post mortem.

    Well that's how it is around here. Call it a style choice. Because it's really not much more than that.

    Blue came here because she can't just enjoy the relationship 'for what it is'.

    It's like going to a psychiatrist and instead of him giving you drugs or therapy he says 'snap out of it and pull yourself up by your own bootstraps'.

    Doesn't make much sense from the get-go.

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  173. I have a friend who visits this site and is intimately involved in this situation. I would prefer not to advertise myself so obviously if I can help it. I don't usually go by the handle bluebird. I'm trying to keep my identity somewhat less obvious, though at this point I suppose it may as well be moot, anyone who knows me in rl would know the participants of my postings just by the content of what I've said....

    @anon

    I don't think I'm especially agreeable, but I won't argue with something I believe to be true (unless there is a reason for me to play devil's advocate). UKan restated something I myself agree with: hate is closer to love than indifference.

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  174. Yeah 12/18 posts are all from Erin though. One other is a troll pretending to be misanthrope and another from M.E. announcing the opening. So 12/16. That is ridiculous.

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  175. Speaking of the forum; all these new people have started popping up over there, so I guess UKan's prediction was spot on.

    What prediction was that?

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  176. I figured as much, I was more curious as to why you didn't from the start, instead of halfway through.

    Erin's just made a forum thread "Why UKan hates this forum." lol. I guess she feels in control over there.

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  177. @ blue

    I don't pray. But really, how old are you? I won't heckle you or anything. I have been married to someone who has no ability to love me for 6 years. Do we live harmoniously together? Yes. Do we have fun and laugh together? Yes. But I am telling you, there is nothing deeper there. There will never be. If you are still young and somewhat cute, please do yourself a favor and do whatever you can to stop obsessing over this person.

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  178. UKan described it as "protective custody". People who couldn't take the heat here would seek refuge over there. And look what's happening.

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  179. @Wheatley

    I guess I sort of realized halfway through that if the content of my posts weren't glaringly obvious enough using my nickname in my handle and having a picture of myself was just asking for some unfortunate coincidence. I just didn't think about it until a little while ago

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  180. Actually sparklebug here is a excerpt of what I said to you a few months ago:
    "Sparklebug get off your stool you dumb cunt. People don't get lowered to raise up people, they are already low. There's winners in life and there are losers.
    You changed yourself because you were a loser. Why would sociopaths here change? Speaking for myself I'm winning every day. I do what I want whenever I feel like it
    June 16th
    "

    You are nothing like my wife you delusional tub of lard. For one my wife isn't fat, and two she isn't a crazy lady obsessed with cats. If I had said anything like that to you it was in pure sarcasm. I have always felt that you were a nutter don't try to act like I changed up on you.

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  181. @sweetcheeks

    I'm a year shy of twenty. And that's understandable. I know if I ended up with him I wouldn't be happy. It's just that nobody else makes me feel the way he does. I wish somebody did-if I felt this way for somebody who could care back I would be happier then a pig in shit.

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  182. I have been married to someone who has no ability to love me for 6 years.

    I suppose right now I'm glad that 90% of my relationships have lasted no longer than a few months.

    Gah, my housemate's fiance's pheromones are fucking strong. It's kinda gross. He's outside but I can smell him from upstairs inside the house.

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  183. It's just that nobody else makes me feel the way he does. I wish somebody did-if I felt this way for somebody who could care back I would be happier then a pig in shit.

    Well, do the hell-and-back-thing and who you are attracted to will probably change. Even if you don't want it to.

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  184. @medusa

    How does one do a hell and back thing?

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  185. @Bluebird

    I know you probably think you have a lot of shit figured out by now, especially about yourself.
    I think one of the qualities you have going for you, is that as young as you are; you're actually trying to figure this shit, and yourself out.

    But you haven't had enough life experiences to see the consciousnesses that lay ahead years down the road... not just tomorrow, or a week from now. You also haven't had enough life experience to compare notes on.

    But now you come here wanting to sort it out, and are unwilling to listen to people who HAVE had enough life experience to see what damage can be done.

    When I was a teenager, I just didn't give a fuck about why I did things a certain way, or why I gravitated towards one thing or another... and I just kind of let shit hit me in the face while I was busy trying to survive.

    I think it might be hard for people to listen to what advise the people on this blog have to give, because while they're busy trying to tell you what you should be doing or thinking, they are busy guarding the life experiences they, themselves have had, in order to make you understand why they know what you're doing is a mistake.

    You can't help people that way... you have to tell them why you know it's a mistake.

    I know what you're doing is a mistake.

    The reason I know is because I've had to live with the choices of my damaged youth, for all these years, and it can't be reversed.

    The doctors tried to make me see how dangerous I was to myself... and I just went blindly toward what ever I wanted to indulge in, anyway.

    I can't say that I wish I had gone down a different road, because as a disordered person myself... I am unable to attach emotions, to my memories of what happened to me. I remember clearly what happened, and why, but I'm not able to feel a connection with it, and that makes learning from your mistakes rather tough.

    What I AM able to do is see that it only caused me so much more damage than what was already there, and the consequences of that have left me completely incompetent when it come to romantic relationships, or intimacy.

    I can also see the wreckage I sometimes leave in my path. The damage I've done to past friends, and lovers.

    People call me a survivor, and a success, but I know the truth. I am nothing but a sham. A fly by night operation, that at any moment could be back in the gutter, with no place to go. I was only grown up enough to keep myself alive, but I didn't grow up much past that... and the only lucky thing I've had out of all of it, is my two daughters, who are the only people I can feel a lasting connection to... but children grow up, and life goes on.

    Eventually I'll be alone, and bored out of my skull... with only my tales of damage to write about, and how I burned myself out, and burned myself down, before I even had a chance to live.

    I know you won't listen, but hopefully this plants a seed, and your able to grow out of this before you end up with a life that has few options left to you, and no way to change it for what life you have left.

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  186. Good god the smell! How is this possible? Up two floors and in the window? He's a pretty hygienic guy, too....

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  187. I agree. I didn't know you were nineteen. At that age nothing matters. Just go ahead with the whole thing for a couple of years and fuck your life up for a while. Every girl has to have that one BIG mistake. You can get yours out of the way early. At that age I was way worse to women than he ever could dream to be. You are getting off easy.

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  188. How does one do a hell and back thing?

    You are doing it right now. Just keep pursuing him.

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  189. How does one do a hell and back thing?

    Well, the road to hell is kind of a personal journey, so I really can't tell you exactly. If can keep questioning whether your beliefs are bullshit or not, and why you have bullshit beliefs, you'll be okay.

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  190. Good god the smell! How is this possible? Up two floors and in the window? He's a pretty hygienic guy, too....

    Yeah right. If you smell that loud than something isnt right.

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  191. That (at first not caring about your identity) is actually very telling of how you (I wanted too say 'are underestimating', but that makes it sound like such a big deal) feel about the situation you're in. I don't think you're taking it seriously enough.

    You are overestimating your own abilities in this relationship. While you may still be intellectually detached, you've already gotten emotionally attached. And the way you sound on here makes it painfully obvious that your feelings are winning from your rational mindset.

    Again: leave at your own terms, because you want to. Don't wait for him to get tired of you.

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  192. @ eden

    "Eventually I'll be alone, and bored out of my skull... with only my tales of damage to write about, and how I burned myself out, and burned myself down, before I even had a chance to live."

    well said. this has been my life up till now and my frustration towards blue I guess is I want her to get it now before a lot of damage is done.

    my husband is a narc, I have a kid with him and a home. I wish I would have walked away from him when I was 20 (that's when I got married) but now I am stuck dealing with this moron until my kid is 18 even if we divorce.

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  193. You are doing it right now. Just keep pursuing him.

    Or do that. That works as well.

    ReplyDelete

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