Wednesday, January 27, 2010

You are what you eat

I am very impressionable. I am so impressionable that the self that I call mine seems to be no more than a hodgepodge collection of everything I have thought, everything i have experienced, everyone I have been around. I used to be very reckless in my youth with what I did, what I chose, what I thought. I wanted to try everything and everyone, wanted to know what else was out there in the world. Everything I did changed me, though, for better or for worse. I didn't realize it at the time, and didn't really realize the extent of it until relatively recently. That thought has made me more circumspect.

I feel like this must be true of non sociopaths as well, but maybe to a lesser extent. Maybe they just don't acknowledge the inherent fluidity of the self? It's interesting to me to think that my body is made up of everything that I have eaten. There is literally nothing about my body that I haven't ingested at one time or another -- not my brain, not my heart, not my lungs, not my eyes or teeth... it's weird thinking that I am made up of cheeseburgers.

People want to know why sociopaths have a hard time letting go sometimes. Some of it may be the thrill of the hunt, the sting of defeat, or vindictiveness. I think for me it is mainly because everyone that has ever been close to me has become a part of me. Like that Paul Young song, every time they go away, they literally take a piece of me with them.

26 comments:

  1. Oh poor sociopaths. They have a hard time letting go, lol.
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  2. I feel a little mean saying that.
    Apologies.
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  3. Love the song reference M.E.
    80's love songs are the best!!

    Don't leave me alone picking up the pieces.............

    LOL
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  4. Dolos of NigeriaJan 27, 2010 07:43 PM
    This post appeals to me.
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  5. It feels good to hurt people (socios) who you hurt you (empath).

    (ie, to get rid of them when they least expect it, after they teach you so much but right before they really rob your soul blind. 'Take your money an run', so to speak, before they get a real return on their investment.)

    Even if it is no sweat of their back, just the thought that it might be is vindicating.

    Victim --> victimizer pathology I guess. Or maybe not. I am sure there are plenty of names for it.
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  6. I was in nappies/diapers when this song was released, so its not a song im familiar with. I think i understand the meaning behind the lyric though?
    However referring back to M.E's post. I think you have a point. Aren't we all made up from our experiences with people to a certain degree?. I do believe people can leave lasting impressions.

    Tink.
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  7. That hasn't been my experience. I think it's better to just be honest and if you don't like something then step back and disengage. Do whatever you have to to defend yourself, if it comes to that, but I think doing things with an intention to cause suffering, and even without that intention, even to those who do not have your best interests at heart, has a price.
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  8. Father DearestJan 28, 2010 06:56 AM
    I can agree with this, in some way. I don't personally feel like I take anything from people that I can be truly grateful for, but I suppose that's not what you're saying. I often refuse to believe it or accept it as having any integrity when I'm told I'm empty, or emotionally void or whatever, but I think a sociopath is his experiences, to some extent. My father was a sociopath, and that's one of the factors to my own diagnosis. Of course, this leads me to believe I am impressionable. I am impressionable in a bad way, I guess. I am very likely to react to situations that most people wouldn't even notice, and I am likely to react to them in a vicious or vindictive way if I feel they are somehow aimed at me. I do of course understand that sometimes I can be awfully irrational.
    But one thing I speculate, is again the eternal paradox between a sociopath and an empath. The more empathetic someone is, the more suggestible they are likely to be. Is that another distorted similarity or a blinding difference, do we think?
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  9. Father DearestJan 28, 2010 06:58 AM
    Anonymous - Completely agree with the "Take the money and run" statement. I have a terrible habit of dropping people from great heights. I don't think I build them up there personally, but I just don't like people to get too close. I'd rather get rid of them than they get rid of me.
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  10. This is beautiful.
    If water has memory...
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  11. Father Dearest said,..."I am very likely to react to situations most people wouldn't even notice, and i am likely to react to them in a vicious or vindictive way if i feel they are somehow aimed at me".

    I can completely relate to that.

    The only circumstance in which id feel motivated to deliberately persecute someone, would be if i was provoked. I'd be prepared to patiently wait an entire lifetime to get my own back, (if i felt strongly enough), then justify that with "well, they had it coming". I would thoroughly believe that too. Not nice i know. Its stupid to hold grudges. Im terrible for that. Im hoping i will mellow out as i get older.
    However i would never go out of my way to target someone just for the fun of it. I think thats just mean.
    I can' see the point in that. I've got better things to concentrate on and quite happily plod along minding my own business :)

    Tink.
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  12. Hey FD
    I am curious to know whether you are out of 'that place', how that worked out and whether the lady ever visited you?
    Ciao
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  13. Father DearestJan 28, 2010 12:41 PM
    Hey Disney,
    Long time no talk. I got out of that place a while ago now, thank fuck. Things slowly evolved with the woman; I took her out for lunch a few weeks ago and everything seemed to fall beautifully into place.
    It's better this time around, because I have no desire whatsoever to completely drop her from a very high height anymore. I'm so glad she stuck around. She's pretty magnificent, in the strictest sense.
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  14. Hey, i got given conduct disorder from a psyc unit and they said i also had emerging traits of aspd, which as u should know is sociopathic pd and then also borderline personality disorder. so i am a contradiction in myself and dnt understand how i can be emotional unstable and an emotionless demon, just wana here ur views thanks
    The Friendly Foe
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  15. FD
    Really, good for you, although I must say it's not what I had expected. So she's dumped the other dude she was all serious with?
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  16. i am made up of pieces of others who are made up of pieces of others who are made up of pieces of some of you. trippy.
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  17. Father DearestJan 29, 2010 05:33 AM
    Disney - No, I wasn't really expecting it either. I don't know what changed her mind; I think she romanticised my hospital stay somewhat, and she told me over dinner that she just misses me. I'm quite sure her and her boyfriend were going through some pretty serious problems before this. I don't know where this with her and I is going but it sure feels a lot better than the last time.
    I was lucky. I know that. For once, this had nothing to do with my amazing powers of persuasion. I think that's what makes it so exciting to me.
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  18. Father DearestJan 29, 2010 05:39 AM
    "Hey, i got given conduct disorder from a psyc unit and they said i also had emerging traits of aspd, which as u should know is sociopathic pd and then also borderline personality disorder. so i am a contradiction in myself and dnt understand how i can be emotional unstable and an emotionless demon, just wana here ur views thanks "

    They actually TOLD you this? It sounds like they've got it wrong. They can't just hand out PD diagnoses all over the place. Stop worrying so much.
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  19. It sounds like they've got it wrong.

    They actually get it wrong quite a bit.

    They can't just hand out PD diagnoses all over the place.

    But they do. I got a collection of diagnoses from various places, none of them the same. Which caused me to take them with a grain of salt.

    Perhaps because sociopathic people mirror emotions, it makes it harder to correctly label them.
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  20. That might be anonther, less relevant reason that white coats don't treat sociopathic people.
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  21. Anonymous said:

    It feels good to hurt people (socios) who you hurt you (empath).

    (ie, to get rid of them when they least expect it, after they teach you so much but right before they really rob your soul blind. 'Take your money an run', so to speak, before they get a real return on their investment.)

    I love this description. The first sentence is succinct and to the point. A sociopath, perhaps, is actually quite human and nowhere near to being emotionally infallible. Probably much less so than most normals and empaths.

    Hence the construction of these impenetrable walls.

    I suppose the exception would be the purely "genetic" socio, if that even really exists.
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  22. Father DearestJan 29, 2010 07:41 PM
    Sobriquet - I live in Britain; perhaps this alters things? I know that in Britain we are very cautious about diagnosing potentially "dangerous" people, or even depressed people; due to moral dilemma. I know it's more free and easy over there - I envy it somewhat.

    I was diagnosed with conduct disorder and made to take olanzipine and fluoxetine when I was 12 after my first suicide attempt (i ducked my medication; even at that age i felt it slowed me down and blunted my edge). I didn't know why - I just thought "let's just move on". I couldn't work out why everyone around me was so upset and concerned. The way I saw it, my attempt failed. I'd try again when it suited. I was angry.
    Now, as an adult, it's all relative. "You had a conduct disorder, you do x y and z, you think a b and c... and you committed this act of... you are a psychopath... and we RARELY give this diagnosis..."
    Fuck them.
    Labels mean naught to me.
    My life is a constant stream of happiness (since I got out of the place). I fucking love it.

    I know it's off topic but I do love it. I'm having one of those moments. I fucking HEART being like this ;)
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  23. FD

    maybe youre biploar cause you sounded the opposite a while back when you didnt have what you wanted;-)
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  24. Hey Medusa - (and/or anyone else):

    I think the notion of a "purely genetic socio" is a crock. What about you?

    Although the idea of ascribed superiority complexes is nothing new; white men of power - like some of those here who blatantly neglect how *utterly* privileged they are to begin with - have been making that claim for centuries. It is the same chess board, just different pawns (and by that I mean all empaths/socios who buy into that crock).

    Again, what daddy/mommy did to little socio - and what they do to others to try to win the love that daddy/mommy could never give - how they got raped and now rape others is equally if not more important that genetic determinants of sociopathy.

    again, victim <--> victimizer pathology i guess.

    (i include myself somewhere strangely in that too, but never mind that. if it is all in the blood i am screwed; that is my bias against the genetic b.s.)
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  25. Daniel BirdickJan 30, 2010 08:24 PM
    FD said, "My life is a constant stream of happiness (since I got out of the place). I fucking love it."

    Awesome! Why not? Life's too short. Have you seen your son since you got out?
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  26. Father DearestFeb 2, 2010 10:21 AM
    DB - Thankyou. My life has been like this many times before, when I have the balance just right.
    I saw my son twice since I got out, which isn't enough really. Plus, it has to be supervised access in case I go all psycho and accidentally set fire to someone's face, or whatever it is they think I'm going to do.

    Disney - Stop diagnosing me. I was pissed off the last I was on here, because I was incarcerated and I wanted something I didn't have. Now I am happy because I have what I wanted, I'm not fucking it up and I have my glorious freedom back, which has been so fun so far this year.
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