Do you know why I love him? I feel sometimes that it's silly that I do. He is obviously bad for me, or for anybody in fact. But....
The other night, he invites me over, and his friend A is there. He takes care not to pay a whole lot of attention to me. He doesn't include me in the conversation, he doesn't look at me while he talks. Every so often he responds with much irritation to something I say or do, but that's all. He flirts with A, and when I sit down he makes sure to sit somewhat far away from me, even at the expense of comfort. It made me feel crazy-sometimes I don't really know if these gestures are purposeful and other times I'm sure they are. I go into his room, look at his wall, he's covered a section of it with his artwork. One of his pictures has written along the sides "this is nothing but a torture game". I walk out of his room and the words echo in my head and I feel better, like I can see through him.
Later that night, it is only me and him and A. He asks A if she's heading out soon, and she says, well, at some point she is. Ten minutes later, he asks her again. She says, yeah, she's going to bounce. And she does. So I can't help but get the feeling he's engineered the situation so that she would go, and I'd stay. And we go in his room. I sigh for no particular reason. What is it? He instantly asks. Is something wrong, what's up?
I think to myself, you expect me to complain about how jealous I feel. But I won't, I've seen this coming all along. So I just laugh at him, say, nothing.
We sit down on the bed, I'm somewhat far away from him, he asks me again what's up, I assure him nothing is up. And I'm like, I'm not going to play into this and he's not going to get into my pants. But then he pulls me closer to him and puts his hand on my thigh and I realize that I'm going to let him win. Because I want to. Because if I get so turned on when he touches me I might as well just go with it. I don't know why all the emotional manipulation makes me frisky. But it does.
Later, I say, "you like to toy with people, don't you?" but he dances about with his reply and I allow myself to be led away by his evasiveness.
I suppose something must be wrong with me. There's a perfectly nice guy that I know who is attractive enough and very into me and sweet as hell, but if he touches me I just squirm and feel antsy and turned off and cold.
Maybe it's because I play mind games myself, which has been pointed out to me before. I don't really know, but how can you go against that fire that some people just spark with their skin?
Sociopath boy has this raptor gaze, like he is devouring me with his eyes. Like a hungry predator. It makes my heart pound, those eyes on fire. and I just feel like I would very much like to be eaten-what can you do?
Sociopath boy, he consumes life with this same fervor. At heart he is nomadic, forlorn, there isn't a place for him. He says he'd like nothing more than to travel the world endlessly, never settling, forever without a home. Sometimes I think he feels a poignant emptiness. I love him because he ripped me from my comfortable little nesting place inside my head, he threw me into the world and showed me the silent places in the mountains where he once drove aimlessly down mountain trails alone in his car, smoking pot and possibly reflecting on the space inside himself where something seems curiously absent...he lies, yes, pathologically. I told him once how much I admired his natural talent for lying. He seemed quite flattered until he realized that I had been implying more than I'd said, and at that point he looked at me and said, "stop trying to pin me down as the bad guy".
His lies, they can be part of what makes him such a pleasure. It is grand to hear him weave tales of nonexistent crescent fishes that live off the coast of nonexistent islands, describing their mating habits and hunting grounds as if he'd known their etymology his whole life. He is fantastically amusing, and his whim's inventions are hard to tell from his factual knowledge. Those instances are endearing, but this same talent is used to regularly manipulate you with ruthless grace. He lies so masterfully that one cannot help but be awed.
But really-I really love that he is a sadist, sure, and I like that he kicks me hard and pretends it's a nervous tic, or when we kiss he bites my lip so hard I feel it hurting the next day. But really I love that something about him seems perfectly innocuous and shameless, like a child. A selfish lust most are too tame to seize. There is nobody, nobody like him, nobody with fire like his, with such savagery and yet such an artistic wondering mind, craving beauty even whilst destroying many a beautiful thing.
I'm an empath hands down. I have a heart like jelly, I cry easily, I feel deeply, I'm empathetic to a fault. If a character in a movie is embarrassed, I cringe and look away on his behalf. Cheesy abandoned animal commercials make me extremely sad. I can see the world from any perspective and make it my own. But when I can manipulate people, I do. I'm very good at it. I play mind games. When I'm not into a person and I know their into me, I make a game out of trying to get them to fall in love with me. And they do, and then I'm bored. And I don't want them, not one bit. But I can't win with sociopath boy. The game just keeps going. It changes every day, it is always some new puzzle piece that he hands me, but really none of the pieces fit together so I just have to keep puzzling.
The people on your site are always saying what idiots empaths are, to fall in love with sociopaths. But I'm not stupid. I know he will never be mine, I will never ever have him like I want. he will hurt me because it excites him. And I will be hurt, but then and again it will excite me to be hurt, so am I stupid and pathetic for feeling? It is part of your natures to be the way you are. It is part of our natures as empaths to fall, from time to time, head over heels in love. And if you already know that he is a sociopath, that he will hurt you, but you want him all the same....does that make me a very stupid empath? I am an existentialist, m.e., I'm not very judgmental, I forgive too easily. I have a strong moral inclination against murder and rape, but I feel that right and wrong still bear only contextual meaning.
If we live once, why not live for the deepest and most enthralling sorts of pleasures and passions? So yes, it is harmful, dysfunctional. Even if he cannot feel love for me like mine for him, it is still worth it, to keep his presence in my life.
Emerson: "Why should I cumber myself with regrets that the receiver is not capacious? It never troubles the sun that some of his rays fall wide and vain into ungrateful space, and only a small part on the reflecting planet."