Tuesday, September 20, 2011

Back for more (part 1)

Along the same lines of the last post, a reader writes an update about reconnecting with a sociopath after being discarded:
Somewhat of an update. Two months later, sociopath boy contacts me after skulking around Facebook for an hour. I was extremely surprised as at this point I was never expecting to see him again. It's four in the morning and he basically tells me that he's horny and do I want to come over and have sex with him and make up and talk and such. I am shocked and also horny and elated at the thought of seeing him again so I say yes.

I drive over although I am somewhat a little drunkish. When I get there he confides in me that he has no idea how to talk to people. He feels socially inept. Strange, because if you see this guy among a group of friends he steals the spotlight like a shiny lion. Everyone around is constantly hanging on his every word.
"how long have you felt this way?"

He says, "I don't know. Six months, two years, two days-forever, honestly. I've always felt this way."

I was wondering. Recently he's been into doing this stuff called bath salts. They are a form of amphetamine, similar to meth. Since using it, I feel like I notice that his sociopathy has become a bit more obvious. That is, he's always managed to be social very very well when not on these drugs, but as he's been abusing them his social ability seems a bit more...well, finicky. It's becoming apparent to more people who don't know him as well as some that something is off. Of course, naturally these drugs tend to bring out some insanity in even those who are perfectly normal. But I was wondering if you knew anything about the effect of amphetamines on the sociopathic mind.

I ask him, "what did I do to make our friendship dead?"

"I don't think you did anything," he says. "I'm just a freak."

As per our friendship's "deadness", he remarks that, "I meant dead as in it would never be the same again. Like it died to be reborn, now it's something else." so our friendship is a Phoenix, I suppose? What a funny creature he is. But he is very sexy. So what if he does many different girls all the time? I've already fallen in love with him. Being able to be close to him is wonderful, just an indulgence on my part. Nobody will ever own or tame him. He is wild and wonderfully free.

He had been following me on Facebook for some time before contacting me. He let me wonder if he'd blocked my number but did as much as admit that he had been reading my text messages, even though he never replied and let me believe otherwise. He let me completely break down and I let him proceed with our friendship as if nothing had ever happened. What else can I do? He is fascinating. I suppose he is worth it.

184 comments:

  1. M.E. - some psychopaths are prescribed amphetamines for lack of attention or ability to focus for more than brief periods of time. ADD is pretty common these days, and I think it all goes back to different brain wiring.

    Thanks again for such an informative blog, I've found it helped me become more aware of my blind spots and to become higher functioning and for that I am truly grateful.

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  2. He let me completely break down and I let him proceed with our friendship as if nothing had ever happened. What else can I do? He is fascinating. I suppose he is worth it.

    Ugh.

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  4. fuck off erin, nobody wants to see you

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  5. The Narcissist's body language: "Haughty". The narcissist adopts a physical posture which implies and exudes an air of superiority, seniority, hidden powers, mysteriousness, amused indifference, etc. Though the narcissist usually maintains sustained and piercing eye contact, he often refrains from physical proximity (he maintains his personal territory).

    The psychopath is likely to be expansive (dominate and invade other people's personal territory), swaggering, and vaguely menacing. His manifest equanimity is bound to be mixed with an underlying streak of agitation, violent impatience, and hypervigilance. The general impression is of a wound time bomb, about to explode.

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  6. What's this forum Erin keeps talking about?

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  8. What the fuck? How long has that been there? God I feel dumb.

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  9. Who cares about the forum. Erin seems to be the only one excited about it.
    Erin, I bet you already know what you want to be for Halloween. Let's have it... Gypsy?

    That chick of yesterday's post left a pretty comment on yesterday's thread if you need to play with someone.

    So I looked up transsexual, and it looks to me that the term is only used for those who want to become the other gender. I guess little brother and I need to hang out this weekend, so I can get a clear picture of what's going on...

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  10. "As per our friendship's "deadness", he remarks that, "I meant dead as in it would never be the same again. Like it died to be reborn, now it's something else." so our friendship is a Phoenix, I suppose? What a funny creature he is."

    LOL
    OMG I've used that shit before! The whole Phoenix thing...
    It's especially easy to use when you're a scorpio!
    Any time I've behaved badly, or made people feel stepped on, then tried to real them back in; I either use the whole concept of "burning everything to ash to birth it anew" lol

    Either that... or the whole bipolar thing! I've never hallucinated a day in my life without drugs, but I've let people think I have. Then when I fuck up, I tell them I had a psychotic break, and can hardly remember what I did to them!

    Don't fall for that shit... it's total poetic crap! He's just going to pull the same nonsense on you that he did last time...
    He is not the butterfly turned from the caterpillar... he is the butterfly net!

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  11. Wow. You'd almost think she deliberately left out all that relevant information just to fuck with us...

    I think the forum is M.E's way of saying we should stay on topic in the comments.

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  12. Either that... or the whole bipolar thing! I've never hallucinated a day in my life without drugs, but I've let people think I have. Then when I fuck up, I tell them I had a psychotic break, and can hardly remember what I did to them!

    Hi Eden.
    You have never ever had a psychotic break? Who in your life has that diagnosis?
    I haven't looked there at your blog for a while but I saw a diagnosis somewhere there similar to what I had my first psychotic break. It wasn't clear though, if it was you or not.

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  13. I like big dicks like misanthrops@*&^@*&^##$

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  14. I’ve gained so many followers over the past few months and you may not know much about me, so here’s a little info about me.

    My name is Abigail. I’m from the North-West of England, UK and am nearly 17 years old (birthday is 6th October). I’m currently starting my 1st year at college, studying Art, Digital Art, Film Studies and English Language.
    I hope in the future to get a career using my art skills, either a comic artist or video game concept artist would be my most ideal jobs. I prefer drawing on paper, but when it comes to finished products, I use my Wacom Bamboo Tablet and Photoshop Elements to get the finished pieces.
    I am a big fan of Toby ‘Tobuscus’ Turner, the Yogscast, Doctor Who, Sherlock, Sharlto Copley, Portal 2, Minecraft, and the science-fiction genre.

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  15. r u beeper or bipolar or narc or anxious an shit or shizo or do u like wash ur hands alot or r u traumateased an shit or do u eat coton wool or do u vomit alot or do u drink white ice for brekfast or do u jus disociat an think u do or r u a sex addic with a sleep fetish or r u sychotic an shit an think u r relly gud compelsiv gamler when u r not

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  16. @Bella

    The sister I grew up with has had that diagnosis, along with a whole plethora of others.

    I was always fascinated by her madness.

    We were once like midnight and daylight. I was very mellow and quiet, as a young child. I just watched everything happen around me, while she nearly chased everyone away with her desperation and neediness.

    In 2002, just before I turned 28... there was a sudden shift in me. It was extreme, and very physical in nature.

    I was hospitalized for the second time in my life because I had only been getting an hour of sleep, if that; for over two weeks, and my body was freaking out on me.

    They had to give me shots to put me down. I was so fucking high that I was talking a million miles an hour, and felt like I needed to inhale everything around me! It was like a switch was flipped, and my whole way of seeing my world, and living in it literally changed over night.

    The doctors had a hard time diagnosing me as bipolar because I hadn't had any depression. The best they could come up with, was that I just don't go through the sadness, but that my depression is physically manifested. I just end up feeling very exhausted, and want to sleep for a couple of days. It doesn't last long either. I usually stay in some strength of mania.

    I started researching the disorder like a lunatic, and I guess without seeing it until in hindsight; started using it to my advantage.

    I demolished a relationship I was in for nearly five years, and blamed it on my bipolar disorder.

    That's not to say that mania doesn't mess with me. When I reach the highest peak, it can really fuck up my focus, and my ability to see what an asshole I'm being. I also have burned many bridges, and suddenly changed jobs, or residency on a whim.

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  17. I know I was laughing when I read that transformation shite. I always used 'evolving'.
    Meth and sociopathy is a bad combo. The thing with dope fiends is that even if they are capable of empathy they will lose it over time. Their addiction becomes more important to them than anything else even their family. A lot of addicts are just victims, yet when they are chasing that high they become predators. A sociopath has no empathy to begin with and they are prone to addiction.
    Bath salts is just the beginning for him. Next he will need crystal because he will start becoming more tolerant. After a while snorting and free basing won't be enough for him and he will graduate to a needle. He will lose a lot of weight and he will start becoming paranoid. His mouth will start having involuntary movements. He will start having hallucinations and a general neurosis will be present. Trust me I deal with addicts daily. Everyone thinks they or their friend is different. They aren't. People think they have a control on the situation they are wrong. Any drug dealer today worth anything is getting the cell phone or home phone numbers of their customers and calling them when they try to get clean.

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  18. that's me

    http://foryouistellify.tumblr.com/post/8865123971/glassesssssss

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  19. the dsm is my ouija bored what bout u

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  20. No, it is not my ouija board, you moronic fuckwit. What the hell is wrong with you? Let's play Pin the Tail on the DSM and find out!

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  21. The DSM sucks dick

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  22. the dsm is my ouija bored what bout u

    According to my charts of your circadian rhythms, which my secret army of invisible sparrows has been harvesting, you should be asleep now. So, for what it's worth, I agree with Anon - what the hell is wrong with you?

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  23. stfu or i will stare at u

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  24. What sound does a stare make?

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  25. Scintillating ConversationalistSeptember 20, 2011 at 9:24 AM

    K

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  26. *rocks in corner and laughs maniacally*

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  27. were is sociapaths

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  28. OUT STALKING - BACK SOON

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  29. some people aren't people, they just look like people.

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  30. Don't take this the wrong way but, that's a poem?

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  31. "http://foryouistellify.tumblr.com/post/8865123971/glassesssssss"

    LOL you fucking loser.

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  32. i liek dr who n kitties am i socia?

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  33. im a victim in rl so online i becum socia

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  34. 7/10 topics on the forum are by Erin. shut it down M.E. It's a complete waste of time

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  35. Agreed. It's just another fun house for Erin. No one else cares.

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  36. Anyone have any advice for dealing with the aftereffects of a socio doing a huge mind (and life in general) fuck on me? In addition to that he raped me several times and was pretty threatening. You could call this an abusive "relationship", but there really was not any free will in it -- it was all majar manipulation and threats.

    Asking this in a completely objective way: socios, do you care about your victims after you've ruined them (and I do mean ruined -- as in, so traumatized that they are not the same person and have seriously considered suicide)? I'm pretty sure my socio would be thrilled at the idea of me committing suicide. He ended up finally leaving me alone because I was "of no use to him anymore". So I can't see a better ending for ruining a person than knowing that you led them to resort to complete and utter despair. Or, that is my guess, at least. Is this correct?

    I am not trying to come across as judgmental to anyone. I've realized from this blog and other research that sociopathy is the result of the brain lacking the ability to experience certain emotions. I'm just wanting completely objective input/advice/suggestions/feedback/whatever.

    Note: I am not seriously considering suicide anymore. After going to a counselor, I was able to create a network of people to talk to when I feel extreme anxiety and depression.

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  37. You could call this an abusive "relationship", but there really was not any free will in it -- it was all majar manipulation and threats.

    Were you chained to a bed? Did he create a home made prison cell? How was there no free will?


    In addition to that he raped me several times and was pretty threatening.

    He raped you several times in the same day or was it over the period of the relationship? Threatning how? This is a extremely vague story.

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  38. Sweet, I appreciate the comments UKan!

    If a socio is good enough at what they do, they can mind fuck with you so much (and condition you through trauma) so that you learn not to question them and you just do what they say. Thus, in essence, taking away your free will. I mean, you CAN choose to mess with them, but at the risk of your own life. Ironically enough, the human mind is wired for survival, yet has trouble coping with the aftereffects of survived trauma. That is, while I was going through these situations, all I could focus on was surviving. But now that I'm out of it, there are many times when I wish I was dead.

    The rapes were over a period of time. Threatening in the sense that he had the power to kill me (much stronger and larger than me) and informed me that he would use it.

    Some of my story is intentionally vague to avoid my identity being disclosed if he should ever stumble upon this site.

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  39. If the forum distracts Erin from doing what she normally does, why not keep it? Give it some time, I think it has potential.

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  40. Sorry, meant to sign my last post with my Blogger name

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  41. No messing with them is not what I meant for your free will. If you noticed all of my questions had to do with the option of leaving not fighting back. Obviously I can see you are not mentally or physically strong enough to have direct conflicts with him. So why didn't you leave?

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  42. Because I can already see what that forum is going to turn into wheatley. The people who were the most excited about it are the most irrelevant people here who are routinely trashed on, ignored, or exposed liars. They can't hack it here because their continous lies are constantly exposed. Givng them a forun is like.protective custody. There is a culture here already where you basically are forced to face yourself. It doesn't need to be changed. She (erin) doesn't deserve her own forum on a site that has nothing to do with her at all. She's a wing nut and thinos she's psychic. Take that shote somewhere else witu the rest of the muppets.

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  43. It's interesting to hear that some of you have mentioned the whole "transformation" thing is something you've used before. I had been wondering if it might have been something unique to him or more common. I didn't buy it. It amused me, though. I don't buy most of what he says, I've known him long enough. And @ Eden: I found your poem profoundly...interesting. I would like to know more about your thought process in writing it...

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  44. Hadn't thought about it like that. You're right, I guess. And of course, you don't feel like rubbing people's faces in their own bullshit on two seperate places.

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  45. In response to UKan...

    Why doesn't a socio like to screw someone's life up and just let them go? Because it's no fun (I would guess) if you can't see them suffer due to your efforts. From what I have seen/heard/experienced, once a socio has a victim, he/she likes to keep them around for entertainment for as long as they can. I didn't leave because I didn't feel like I could. Why do I feel like I have to watch out for this guy everywhere I go (even on the internet!)? Because he conditioned me to be that way. Trauma has interesting impacts on the brain that are hard to override. For a socio (who can't experience trauma, i'm guessing??), seeing these impacts are probably pretty fun and interesting. The victim starts reacting in all sorts of crazy ways that, under normal circumstances, would make no sense at all.

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  46. dammit, i keep forgetting to click the check box that says "email follow up comments to me" when i post...

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  48. Actually, that makes me think of a question for ME (or any other socios)....CAN a sociopath experience trauma? I would guess not, since most have trouble even experiencing fear. Would a sociopath be impervious to most torture tactics? Obviously they could fee physical pain, but most torture tactics aim for a mental breakdown more than a physical breakdown for their victims.

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  49. I didn't leave because I didn't feel like I could. Why do I feel like I have to watch out for this guy everywhere I go (even on the internet!)? Because he conditioned me to be that way.

    He conditioned you to be that way? How were you before you met him? Were you strong, independent, and emotionally stable?

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  50. There you are David! And here I was, assuming you were going to hide behind my name all evening.

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  52. @ aSocioRuinedMe

    you need to stop giving them that power. you are allowing them to ruin you

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  53. What I've experienced in my life would probably traumatize a lot of people. For me, it has only made me more powerful.

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  54. I wouldn't know, haven't seen it yet. Why are you still pretending you didn't read my question?

    Don't bother pretending you don't know that's a rhetorical question, by the way. Just answer my question from yesterday. :)

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  57. Being cunning is much more useful than being book smart.

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  59. aSocioRuinedMe said:

    Side note...I wonder if ME ever foresaw this site as being a self-help for victims of socios...heh...

    Erin:
    I think I drove ME to it

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  60. Wheatley
    Don't take on David. He is bigger and badder.

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  61. If you believe you can spent enough time threatening me to actually make me feel threatened, why not use said time for something useful? For example; why not convince all the telomeres in all of your chromosomes in all of your cells to not deteriorate everytime your cells divide? That would stop the aging process!

    Think about it! You could ask the $60.000 you spent on useless cryogenics back, because you'd be immortal! Because cryogenics are useless (i already said that, but it's true). For the sake of argument; let's say that you can actually survive getting all the cell membranes in your body getting ruptured because of the crystalization and expansion of the water molecules in said membranes. Or maybe that nanotechnology could fix you. Why would anyone? Why would the people of the future spent valuable recources on giving someone who already had a shot at living another chance? Moral obligation? Puh-lease.

    But say you would get revived 2000 years into the future. Do you think someone would just give you a job? Think about all the money the future government would have to spend on adjusting all those cryogenics-people. Learning a thousand years of well-documented history. Learning whatever language has become the global standard. Learning to work with new technologies. And if they spent all that money, what would they get in return? Cheap laborers? They'd have robots for that. Your organs wouldn't even be of interest to them, because they can grow them. You'd probably end up as a prostitute. Again. And even that would be a little optimistic.

    Because that's why you want to freeze yourself isn't it? You want to start over. A brand new start. A fresh opportunity. Just because you're sick of what you're doing now (and for good reason, I mean come on) and don't feel like putting effort into actually starting over someplace else. Or because you think you wouldn't be able to. That, no matter where you go, your past will follow you. And it will.

    And even if you'd ctually get revived without any negative consequences, and if you'd get a job and a house and whatever the fuck is seen as the standard for living in 3054 (statistically 1000 years after you die) you'd be treated by your neighbours as a third-class citizen, no matter how much wine you drink and cigars you smoke. You'd just be some shithole that wasn't happy with the life he carved out for himself. And you'd have twenty-four neighbours ('cause by then they're building four-dimensional neighbourhoods, obviously ;P).

    The best shot you have at ever being of use to anyone anywhere is as a popsticle in a future-museum, so space-people can laugh at your naivité.

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  62. Today, I saw a flamingo-legged, out of place, hipster piece of shit with a degree in urban theory of latte foam art taking the L train from kickball practice to the grand opening of his friend’s sustainable fusion crepe truck. So I dragged him into the tunnel and beat him into a coma with my trusty stickball bat. End of story.

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  63. Oh wait, it should be 4054, not 3054. I'm sorry if you wanted to use that minor inconsistency as a counter-argument. ;)

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  64. aSocioRuinedMe said:

    Side note...I wonder if ME ever foresaw this site as being a self-help for victims of socios...heh...

    Personally it's been more helpful to me to have a place where there are actual sociopaths who have things to say. Other than this site, my method of trying to learn more had been books written by psychologists. And it's one informational source-sure. But information from that type of individual is skewed. Few of them interview sociopaths from the general population. You rarely get a sense of the way these individuals think, interact, appear on a regular day to day basis. And this is particularly important on the subject of sociopaths in particular. The way as a sociopath thinks as is is so different then any "normal" individual, so...first hand sources in my venture into this topic have been extremely helpful.

    I don't know about anybody else. But personally, I don't consider myself a victim (I certainly could) insomuch as a participant in an interesting interpersonal dynamic. It is so peculiar, in fact, that I have the burning and unquenchable desire to learn as much as humanely possible. Thus; m.e's
    blog...but most of us "victims"-empaths as we are-would simply like to understand you sociopathic individuals better.

    Sometimes there is a helpful contribution, oftentimes you site frequenters seem to go off on strange tangents and participate in what seems to be an online social clique/circle of sorts. Which is understandable, aspects of human nature considered, and common among frequenters of any site/blog/location in space. But the bits and flecks of gold tossed about can alchemize insight that would have been otherwise inevident.

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  67. One of my goals is to be cryofrozen wheatley so get tossed. Even the chance of immortality is worth it. Its better than just laying down and dying or praying to some god.

    It makes sense for empathetic people to come here. I've actually learned a lot from them, though I have a different method of understanding them I guess. Sometimes I just can't understand people like this bird who got raped several times and stuck out the relationship. I mean, what the fuck is wrong with you?

    You, blubird, are being used. He couldn't get laid and he was obsessing on it. Everyone has that
    night when your out at the club and you struck out. That's why you keep around a few girls across the way that will keep taking you in in hopes of a relationship. I had girls that were so hopeful. They would smile at the door and I would tell then I couldn't stop thinking of that night a month ago. That I tried to escape then but couldn't. It works for a few months but after that they know they aren't getting any commitment. By that time I have another.

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  68. Everyone on the L train should be shot. Or at least those getting on/off at the Bedford stop.

    Unfortunately I now live in a town that is one big Williamsburg, so much so that those in Williamsburg wish they were here.

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  70. Erin, have you ever seen White Oleander?

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  71. Wow. Erin has really gone apeshit, over that forum. I can almost picture her spinning around under a great big sky of blue, arms stretched out to god... confetti raining down all around her.

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  72. Yikes, the forum does look very much like lovefraud.

    Those poor newbies of the day are being mislead.

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  73. @Bluebird

    I won't be giving too much away on my thought process when it comes to my poetry. Poems are useful though. People see them as some intimate peak into your soul. A confession of secrets and sins.

    Even if you're very perceptive, you have almost no choice but to interpret them at face value, and even then; only through your own life experience.

    Almost all of those poems were transferred from a blog I had up, on a MySpace account. My ex husband had talked me into making one to network for more hair clients. Then he convinced me to start blogging.

    One thing I learned from that experience, was that the comments people would leave showed me just how hard it was for them to guess the truth behind them... even if I thought I was making myself very clear.

    We seem to forget that what we communicate to people goes through many filters, experiences, and prejudice, before it produces an interpretation.

    It was a great first experience because I could go back later down the road, and see into myself the things I hadn't been paying attention to.

    What it taught me above all, is that I should not be a blog writer lol! I scared a lot of people away. Even now... many people who used to read that blog, are on my Facebook, but no longer read my shit, or even speak to me. I was a little too honest when I went on rants, in that place about who I am... I just didn't see just how honest I was being till hindsight.

    So I transferred all the poetry I put up, but allowed all my blog rants to be deleted when I got rid of the account.

    Life goes on and on...

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  74. one lesson an empath can learn from a sociopath, is that emotions will take you down a path to nowhere.

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  75. Get tossed? Realy? Why? You of all people should understand that probably not even half of my rant was actually meant seriously. I was enhancing the truth here and there, leaving stuff out, etc. But that's not relevant. It was a means to an end.

    I wasn't really expecting a substantial counterargument, so I don't have anything to counter-counter. Well, there are a couple of little things.

    The "Useles life"-thing is a bit hypocritical, especially because you yourself could basically be replaced by a vacuum cleaner and lubricant. Telomerase doesn't directly cause cancer. Threatening someone with cancer is about as menacing and pointless as trying to scare someone by saying you hope their brain will quantum tunnel three feet to the right. And you do "stick around". At several occasions you had to say "good night" about five times, because you kept responding to things that were said after you had 'gone to bed'.

    Yeah. Little things indeed.

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  76. @UKan

    If it were so simple as getting used life would probably be easier. I was already destroyed by him. I've fallen in love, already. My emotional sanity was torn asunder by sadistic games that led me into tightened corners and snapped at my vitals and proclaimed his affections only to shatter me again later, as long as it went on amusing him. Which was something like a year, maybe a little bit more.

    But I no longer have such delusions, and I no longer entertain notions of his "shadow personas" being any more real then the figments of a waking dream. I see him now for who he is, and I understand now full well the morass which I tread in playing this unhealthy game with such a dangerous boy.

    I might give it up, if only he were not so complex and multifaceted. If only he were merely sadistic, merely an ass, then perhaps I would have gotten bored by now with his one-dimensionality and moved along to find a new enity to satisfy my unending curiousity....

    But he is, in addition to being sociopathic, the most interesting individual I have ever met. He yearns for philosophy, and yet crumples his beliefs into a round paper ball and hurls them from his thoughts from week to week. He sits lonely within his head, lusting after beauty and art while otherwise smashing it under the soles of his feet. There is an innocence to him. But there is nothing innocent about him. He is deliberate, callous, lies pathologically, manipulates like a masterful puppeteer. He is at once chaos and also the paragon of Emerson's Self-Reliance...self-actualized with a gaping void inside of him.

    It is the fine and dangerous line I walk between my insatiable desire to understand him and my willingness to be emotionally abused. Between my deep-seated primal animalistic desire for him and my understand that love does not factor into the equation for him when my skin tingles at his touch. I walk this razor line full well knowing that there is a blade on the other side and he might really trully drive me insane, and he might already have.

    But I want to understand him-I need to understand him. And he senses that, and he abhors it. I am deluded for ever believing I could understand, he asserts. How dare I try. And like the contradiction I know he is, it as if there is a part of him that wishes I could know. I don't think he knows, himself, actually.....

    Anything less than this intricate nuanced game we play, I would probably find extremely boring. I wonder if a healthy relationship with somebody will ever be for me.

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  77. What you been diagnosed with Blue?

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  78. I declare today: 'long-ass-comment-day'!

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  79. you mean you love your codependent nature? it sounds like you are wanting the one thing in your life that can't love you - to love you.

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  80. Who in your life withheld love from you--mother or father?
    Who was sadistic--mother or father?

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  81. Funny how someone so one-dimensional as a sociopath can be viewed as so multi-dimensional, as the most fascinating person that ever existed in the history of the universe.

    There is nothing so simple as a sociopath.

    It's an illusion. He didn't create the illusion, though, you did. You expected him to be one way, but he is another, and compared to 'normal' or 'expected' he seems interesting, but take the comparison away, and not so much.

    You only think he's interesting because you don't get it. If you actually got inside his head you would just hear echos and a single one-line refrain repeating ad infinitum.

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  82. @sweetcheeks

    I'm not codependant. I'm obsessive. My obsession was anorexia for a very long time. It was replaced by sociopath boy, who has a bit more depth to him and is far less comprehensible than anorexia. If he began to love me, I fear I might even grow bored with him. When people get into me I like to make a game out of seeing whether I can cause them to fall in love with me. But when I'm successful I realize I do not want them at all...they turn me off completely. Sociopath boy on the other hand...he will never love me back, but I will never stop being immensely sexually attracted to him either. It's like a dance...

    @anon

    My mother is the most caring, generous, giving soul to ever walk this earth. My father loved me more than anything else on the planet I think and he spoiled me whenever he could and showed me culture and forced me to think deeply about things. I have been blessed with wonderful parents, which makes things more complicated when I'm trying to figure out why I'm so completely inane.

    @anon

    Nothing officially. ADHD. Before I was a legal adult my mom sent me to the psychiatrist and I told them whatever I knew wasn't a symptom of some kind of undesirable psychiatric disorder. As a child I used to fear a psychologist/psychiatrist would see right through me and to all the possible insanity that lay underneath. Perhaps that's why I've been studying the subject voraciously for as long as I've known what it was. But I found out that they can only really diagnose you if you tell them the truth (they are human beings, after all). I don't think I have any psychiatric disorders, per sea, in the tradional sense. But there are various things I suspect might be wrong with me.

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  83. @medusa

    that is profoundly interesting but I don't want to shatter my world by believing it. I will file that one away for later.

    ReplyDelete
  84. Did you mean INSANE or INANE ?

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  85. You know I find it amusing that though you mention how much you loved him, or how much you want to understand him not once did you mention any action that says the same on his end.
    His reaction to you has been to put you through torment. Ha ha. Once he destroyed you the first time he lost all respect for you. The second and third time was out of shear boredom. The reason you will never be treated with any respect or dignity is in your own words:

    It is the fine and dangerous line I walk between my insatiable desire to understand him and my willingness to be emotionally abused.

    Indeed. A line that people like me will yank you across in seconds. You're baiting him. You want to be abused and believe me he wants to abuse you. At least till someone comes along that is more entertaining.
    You think that bath salts (meth) is helping his sociopathy you are wrong. It will make it worse. Smoking meth reduces your conscience even as a empathetic person. As a sociopath it will make you the most heartless and ruthless drug addict out there. Marijuana helps with the anger, but drinking and most other drugs cause you to be more impulsive which sociopaths do not need. They are already as impulsive as a drunk when they are sober.

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  86. bluebird, when will you realize that the sociopath does not and can't about you and is probably laughing behind your back about how much of an idiot you were for putting up with him. there is nothing deep about sociopaths, a sociopath is a predator nothing more, a self serving predator.

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  87. It is the fine and dangerous line I walk between my insatiable desire to understand him and my willingness to be emotionally abused.

    This is your problem right here. There is no line. They are both the same thing. In time you may see this, as you sound more self-aware than most.

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  88. If you said inane as a slip, then you think you are inane, down deep.

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  89. Were you folks loving in the over-protective way?

    Are you able to see if perhaps they created you in their own image?

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  90. sociopathworld residenceSeptember 20, 2011 at 5:04 PM

    200 beepers, 60 aspies, 3 narcissists and around 2 psychopaths.

    ReplyDelete
  91. The mother in Black Swan seems very loving. Same with the one in White Oleander.

    At first.

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  92. Jesus Christ, my housemate is crying again.

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  93. Why don't you con her?

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  94. she's a wreck, does seeing someone in that state not make you want to take advantage of them?

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  95. @UKan

    I can't really deny the accuracy of anything stated here. But I will say that he cannot destroy me again, because there is nothing that is left to be destroyed. I came to the shattering realization that he did not love me and never would a long time ago. I am not silly enough to believe otherwise anymore. How can he use me for sex if I am completely turned on anyway? I won't say that I don't wish he loved me, but at this point I'm pretty clear about his nature.

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  96. bluey, why are you telling me this?

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  97. Bluey, your motivations for being here are ulterior, what are they?

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  98. I do take advantage of her, though not necessarily on purpose. She makes it impossible not to take advantage of her.

    She's the type of girl who, if there is one square of toilet paper left, she will leave that square for someone else, even if she takes a big loose dump. This actually happened yesterday.

    People pleaser, which makes her a little manipulative. She knows she used to be manipulative in a more egregious sense, I'm not sure she knows that she still is.

    I can be a total moody bitch to her and she'll be 'understanding'. Which is nice for me, because I don't have to pretend to be someone I'm not.

    I get a lot of free food and weed, lots of apologies, bills paid, and now I'm just waiting for her to bring the piano she promised me.

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  99. bluey, i don't like you.

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  100. You should give her slaps Medusa. Take it to the next level and see how she reacts, it could be exciting?

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  101. Yeah, not a good idea to fuck around with people I live with.

    I have no desire to move again soon.

    Though I might have to at some point, as this place feels like a sanitarium.

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  102. What is she crying about this time?

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  103. The girl who lived here before me was some 20 year old stripper drunk.

    My housemate would clean up vomit after her.

    She told me that this previous roommate told her she had 'boundary issues' and that she didn't understand that she was a housemate, not best friend.

    "But we smoked weed together and hung out, doesn't that mean we were friends?"

    They had some sorta sexual relationship. She said the old housemate always tried to molest her, but I don't think she was really protesting.

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  104. "My housemate would clean up vomit after her."

    So would I, rather than leaving it there.

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  105. I would be sad if I lost my live in stripper / molester too

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  106. I don't know what she's crying about. She on the phone crying with some dude about her house on the coast.

    He's a very old friend of hers, kind of like family, who lives in the house, but it's not in a state where it is legally rentable.

    The guy told her a few days ago that he is moving out in like a week to live with his fucked up girlfriend, and has completely fucked over my housemate because she can't afford the mortgage.

    He's crying about it, too, I guess it looks like guilt, so she is 'understanding'.

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  107. So would I, rather than leaving it there.

    Why? She's not a cat. Tell them to clean up their own vomit.

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  108. @Meduse

    It might be that my parents were too good to me and that's why I'm so masochistic. But I have memories of masochism from under the age of 3. So I really honestly believe it's simply something that's always been with me. You sociopaths have such contempt for empaths that fall in love with you. But my sexual nature is excited by the most unbelievable of masochisms. I don't think it's something I'll ever be able to escape.

    @anon

    Ulterior motives haha. I'm just obsessed with understanding. Learning enough to satify the rational part of me is a great way to escape my utter enslavement to emotions. This is so hard for sociopaths to understand!
    I try to learn so I can disconnect from how I feel.

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  109. Gah, she just came to me apologizing for crying, while crying. She thought I was freaked out and angry because she came outside crying on the phone as it was apparent she was looking for some privacy so I went inside.

    She was all "please don't leave, don't move out," which she says a lot.

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  110. what i notice from observing borderlines is that they constantly get involved with shady and dangerous people. they also find themselves in far seedier atmospheres and jobs than psychopaths and narcs do, maybe it's because they lack that grandiosity and the "i should only associate with other amazing people and places" mentality.

    a psychopath and narc will stay with a surface conventional lifestyle and will associate with normal people.

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  111. Well my housemates fiance is anything but dangerous. He's the epitome of pussy-whipped.

    She did have a dangerous stalker/suicide-threatener before him, though.

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  112. yes, but when you hear of a borderlines past there is always trauma and drama drama drama.

    a psychopaths past seems like anyone else, grew up in a normal home, worked for the family business, you know what i mean? "oh he/she was such a great kid, never hurt a fly, very well spoken"

    you'd hear people say that the borderline was abnormal, but not the psychopath.

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  113. Weird. That just reminded me of something my babysitter did 2 weeks ago... I didn't quite know how to take it? Her uncle died, and she needed me to find a replacement. She said I would only need someone to cover Friday, but at the last minute it became Monday too.

    I was totally fine with that, and thought it was obvious that there wasn't a problem. But while she was gone she kept texting me, begging me not to replace her, and not to be angry.

    I was confused by that. I mean, people die and you have obligations to your family... I thought it was kind of flaky, but then dismissed it as her emotional state due to grief.

    What I know of her is that she never makes one decision of her own. She always goes by whatever her husband says or wants.

    Is that just codependency maybe?

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  114. "he/she liked their expensive clothes, had a great big smile"

    ReplyDelete
  115. Well yes, marrying someone 2.5 times her age at 16, both parents committed suicide, FBI inquest because they think one mudered the other, narc mom, severly OCD dad, etc

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  116. Her story was actually picked up by America's Most Wanted, or that other show that is the same thing. Unsolved Mysteries.

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  117. You told me you weren't going to give details about your roomy's story, when I asked about her father's suicide.

    Change of heart?

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  118. What would you call "normal", as in a normal person?

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  119. @ anon

    thats true. i am bpd and there is always some drama. i dont like sharing the last 10 years due to all the drama and my childhood was pure trauma. luckly for me, i have moved alot and live in a city where i don't know many people..

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  120. the negative qualities people would speak about both types would be very much different.

    for the borderline, a friend or family member might describe them as too caring, insecure and inappropriate.

    the negative traits people would speak of, for the psychopath would be things like, they are arrogant, self absorbed and a poor listener and so on.

    the traits are negative, but opposite.

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  121. "What would you call "normal", as in a normal person?"

    Normal conservative people.

    ReplyDelete
  122. For Medusa
    List what you would call "normal"

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  123. Everyone thought her mother just ran away, disappeared, for seven years.

    She only found out she committed suicide through her father's suicide note. He killed himself 7 years to the day after the mother. She killed herself in front of him, and the body was hidden to get back at her father, my housemates grandfather.

    True, Eden, I probably shouldn't be talking about this, and may delete it. I wouldn't be surprised at all if she is following me on here. I guess I don't care much, although every time she knocks on my door I'm afraid it's going to be her crying because of all the stuff I wrote. There is a website dedicated to the story, and if I gave you 3 words you would find it right away, and that is what I will not share.

    She just thanked me profusely for letting her have a tea bag of mine. Ridiculous. She provides me with all kinds of shit that I don't ask for, thanking me for one tea bag is just retarded. Any tiny thing I do for her seems to save her soul, or so it seems. So grateful.

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  124. 'Normal' in the context I was talking about means moral and empathetic, I suppose.

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  125. @anon

    regarding bpd- yes and no at least from my experience. i tend to idealize people but then once something happens and I am hurt angry whatever, then a switch goes off and its like they have never existed. for instance - my cousin told my mother i was using drugs years ago. she came over to apologize and i threw a plate of macaroni and cheese at her head and screamed at the top of my lungs. i guess i keyed her car or defamed her car in some way and the family still wont talk to me. even though i drove her to school everyday and we had the same friends- it never crossed my mind that i was missing out and cared for her to become close to her again.

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  126. maybe it is the lack of emotion and cool-headed ability that keeps the psychopath from straying into a meager life. hare wrote that nothing has the ability to make a psychopath feel deeply and their emotions are superficial.

    things like family deaths greatly affect the borderline and the psychopath wouldn't really care, hes the guy cracking black jokes at the funeral.

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  127. I'm sure you have a way of adding to anyone's paranoia, Medusa. You said you're aloof.

    I know how loud I come across in this forum... especially going through the manic episode I'm in right now. It's the most intense it's been in a long time.

    But when I'm with my family, I am the laid back, quiet person I always was as a child. This seems to wreck a couple of my sisters, and my mother.

    It seems to turn that guilt switch to high blast. They run circles around everyone. Worried that they aren't doing enough, or entertaining enough, or that I must think they're ignoring me.

    No matter how much a assure them that I'm fine, just do what they want... they never believe me. It's like, because I'm not talking up a storm and fallowing them through the house like a maniac, they think I'm secretly hating them.

    It's pointless to tell them to, stop freaking out, because they can't seem to help themselves.

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  128. "Anything that doesnt kill you just makes you ... stranger."


    Back to the choosing victims, ive found that for the most part they choose you.

    Of course if you want a specific meatshield baiting and propositioning are reasonable techniques.

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  129. i could really use a stripper roommate molester right about now

    ReplyDelete
  130. http://www.ishouldabeenastripper.com/2010_11_01_archive.html

    ReplyDelete
  131. this link is the right one:

    http://3.bp.blogspot.com/_ByJseLaZovM/TOyKXVL7MpI/AAAAAAAAEPo/_BoQFmelsow/s1600/gross-old-man1.jpg

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  132. You know what.. I can't believe I didn't see this shit before! I think I actually surround myself with beepers! lol

    I mean, I've read the DSM many times... but reading a list of shit doesn't register right away for me. I tend to be a hands on, or visual learner.

    Now that I've been coming to this site as long as I have, I'm starting to understand the DSM much better, through the stories you guys tell.

    Most, if not all of my friends... and mates of recent years sound like some version of the beepers you guys describe.
    I thought they just all seemed the same because they're all addicts!

    Even my mother does... it's just that she hasn't bee diagnosed with anything cuz she won't go to a shrink. She thinks everyone else is crazy, not her! Everyone just uses and abuses her!

    Motherfucker!

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  133. beep beep beep...their coming for you....

    ReplyDelete
  134. I'm sure you have a way of adding to anyone's paranoia, Medusa. You said you're aloof.

    You're probably right. Guys are afraid of me. Shaman was probably scared of me. Only the brave (read: fucked up) have the courage to approach me.

    ReplyDelete
  135. I bet you'd see some of yourself in White Oleander as well, Eden. In the daughter.

    Lots of foster care craziness in it, too.

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  136. I'd be cautious to diagnose any addict with a mental illness. Drugs warp the mind, and continual usage leads to damage, even if it is only temporary.

    I've known a lot of people in my life and travelled extensively. I haven't met many beepers. Then again, their craziness usually doesn't come into the fore unless you spend a lot of time being/talking with them.

    Bluebird, I enjoy your melodramatic penmanship. It almost seems more like movie narration than a comment.

    ReplyDelete
  137. Actually... my eldest sister recommended the movie after it came out for that reason. Coincidentally, one of my foster mother's gave me the book that same year.

    I can see it for sure. I had a crush on the girl who played the daughter when it was over. I still think she's really hot!

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  138. My mother is not an addict... never has been. But 3 of my sisters are, most of my friends, and my lovers have all been either addicts, or codependent/people pleaser types.

    My mother is very mentally ill, and I don't need someone to diagnose her as such to know it. She is all over the map, just like the sister I spoke of earlier.

    ReplyDelete
  139. Michelle Pfeiffer was pretty fucking hot in that movie. And scary. It was a really great performance. She was eerily good at the cold empty evil-eye stare.

    ReplyDelete
  140. I've just realized, I've never seen Psycho. I've seen most of Hitchcock's famous flicks too. Maybe I should change that tonight.

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  141. Have you ever heard of the book: 'The Glass Castle'?

    The father in that memoir reminded me of the mother in White Oleander, somewhat. He was seemed very imaginative, and was described as being able to open up his children minds to all the possibilities life can offer, and beyond.

    But he was a lunatic for sure, and moved the kids like a million times, telling them that the government was after him, knowing he was on to them, or some such delusional shit!

    You should check it out if you haven't already.

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  142. I've never seen it either.

    I've been watching a bunch of personality disorder movies this week, and I thought about watching that one yesterday but opted for White Oleander.

    ReplyDelete
  143. I'll look it up Eden, thanks. I'm very interested in that sort of character at the moment.

    ReplyDelete
  144. I love Hitchcock!

    I can't believe you guys haven't seen it! I like 'The Birds'...

    ReplyDelete
  145. The Birds was great, yes. It's been years, I should watch it again.

    ReplyDelete
  146. "Though Walls has well earned the right to complain, at no point does she play the victim. In fact, Walls' removed, nonjudgmental stance is initially startling, since many of the circumstances she describes could be categorized as abusive (and unquestioningly neglectful). But on the contrary, Walls respects her parents' knack for making hardships feel like adventures, and her love for them--despite their overwhelming self-absorption--resonates from cover to cover. --Brangien Davis"

    This was actually the memoir that inspired me to tell my own story. She definitely tells it without judgement. I know you will appreciate it.

    ReplyDelete
  147. The man who knee too much, the 39 steps, Vertigo and north by northwest are my favorites. Never really dug the birds that much.

    ReplyDelete
  148. My choices for tonight:

    Single White Female
    Ordinary People
    The Talented Mr. Ripley (saw it when it came out, didn't care much for it then)
    A Serious Man
    What Lies Beneath
    Gaslight

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  149. Ordinary People

    That was very good. I really enjoyed it!

    ReplyDelete
  150. Also:

    The Girl With The Dragon Tattoo
    Through A Glass Darkly (saw it already, but I'm an erstwhile Igmar Bergman fan)

    ReplyDelete
  151. Why are you doing all this research?
    School?

    ReplyDelete
  152. Yeah, I think Ordinary People is probably my first choice. And I like Donald Sutherland, he's interesting.

    ReplyDelete
  153. No, just because I feel like it.

    I guess you could call it 'studying'...

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  154. Ohhhhh I think Donald is so fucking sexy!

    He's very good at playing pretty much any role, and making it believable, but always with that smooth, "still waters run deep", kind of thing he has going on.

    Plays a very pretty villain.

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  155. Single White Female is one of those, it's so bad/cheesy it's hilarious, movies.

    They're remaking Girl With The Dragon Tattoo. I stopped watching the latest one after a few minutes. Must have been bored or out of it. Also, hacking with a Mac? Next thing you know they'll be inside the Gibsons...

    The girl in the remake looks really manly. Ever since hackers/matrix, female hackers are stereotyped as sex kittens, which is nice and all, but far from it. Manly is a pretty good way to describe most of the ones ive met.

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  156. My daughter had a teacher at her middle school, that reminded me of Donald. He is around the same age, looks a bit like him, and was her English teacher.

    I had a huge crush on him. We talked about our writing projects from time to time. He used to write mystery!

    I was hoping to run into him when I went there last, but I was there very briefly. I think he was one of my daughter's favorites too. Though I highly doubt it was for the same reasons!

    ReplyDelete
  157. One of my favorite movies of all time is Smiles of a Summer Night (another Bergman). Totally has a BPD/Histrionic dude in it. It's hilarious and aweome. Not sure if that movie was meant to be a serious drama or a comedy. I need to watch that one again.

    ReplyDelete
  158. Girl With The Dragon Tattoo

    I tried to watch that too. My ex-roomy who was the obese hoarder, was all about it. But it didn't hold my interest. Maybe I should try the book.

    ReplyDelete
  159. @Medusa

    Haven't heard of that one. I'll have to look it up.

    ReplyDelete
  160. I'll definitely watch the english remake, just because of Daniel Craig. He's a very odd actor, but has some sort of quiet hyper-intensity that makes me wonder what's going on upstairs. Loved the he'll out of Casino Royale.

    I'm looking forward to the new Sherlock movie, personally. Robert Downy Jr. has been fantastic is everything he's done the last few years.

    ReplyDelete
  161. On Smiles of a Sumer Night:

    "This light, frothy piece (in terms of Ingmar Bergman's general oeuvre) was made whilst the director was undergoing financial troubles, stomach pains (he weighed only 125 pounds at the time) and a romance with Harriet Andersson that was on the rocks. Bergman later said that if he hadn't made this film when he did, he probably would have attempted suicide."

    Ha ha, no wonder.

    ReplyDelete
  162. Ever seen 'Home for the Holidays'?

    Put that one on your list Medusa! It's a fun one, and you can tell me what each character's disorder is. I'm still a novel to figuring this shit out. But it's one of my favorite comedies, and Robert Downy Jr., does a great job in that.

    I was very impressed with his Sherlock Holmes

    ReplyDelete
  163. Nope. Thanks, I'll add it to my list.

    Haven't seen Sherlock Holmes, either.

    ReplyDelete
  164. Fuck you sociopath shitheads. I hope you all die of empathy.

    ReplyDelete
  165. I learned how to be a person through film! lol

    Since no one can seem to guess my disorder, I'll go ahead and tell you guys.

    I have a kind of attachment disorder... no I'm not a sociopath!
    My mother was hoping after 4 girls, I'd be a boy, and when that turned out not to be the case, she refused to hold me for months, and just stayed in bed. Then when I was 2, she abandoned us. My father was off being my father, or was busy raping my eldest sister...

    My eldest sister who was only 7 at the time, had to try and take care of me.

    When I finally started being straight with my doctors, it was explained to me that I never learned to bond correctly.

    I started acting out sexually very young, because it was the only form of intimacy I was taught.

    I consumed movies to help me learn what people want to see.
    I had to fight very hard to overcome my fears as a child. I didn't start trying to face them till I was twelve when I became obsessed with the movie 'Dune'! lol I was determined not let fear control me, or my family defeat me.

    That doesn't repair the issue with attachment though, and ultimately I used my youth up, learning my social skills through monsters and other detached types...

    In the end, acting is not enough to sustain real human relationships... I've tried to change what I am, but nothing has ever worked, because it's like I'm missing a wire somewhere. Like Medusa said... you can't cure yourself, you just learn how to cope...

    See yous guys later!!!

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  166. I wondered who this Kao was in our forums and found out he was a friend of Wheatley. Apparently Wheatley played poser sociopath with someone else from Psyche Forums and was found out.

    http://www.psychforums.com/antisocial-personality/topic70807.html

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  167. Eden, do you suffer?

    Do yu take any medication?

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  168. @Bella

    I don't really suffer. It's hard to explain. What happens is eventually my mania gets so bad, that if I put myself in a high stress environment, mostly in the work arena... I start to fuck things up, and I start feeling extremely virulent. I start wanting to crush people, seeing myself as superior to, and I get high off that feeling.

    I've always had a violent side, and I think extreme mania makes that side harder to control. I was always able to stay on a nice even keel, until that first crazy episode before I turned 28.
    It can also get so intense it starts fucking up my speech.

    I don't do well with other people's rules, especially if they aren't consistent, or if they just seem to pull rules out of their asses... which happens a lot in the industry I work in... and I don't like people thinking they own me... so now that I don't work under someone else, I do much better.

    I don't take meds. I hate them, and feel like they do me more harm than good. I also learned not to do any drugs, or drink much anymore. So what I do when things start getting too intense... I do juice cleanses, and that helps immensely.

    Overall, I can only feel the stress of it, and know I have to put myself in check, when my financial world starts to suffer. When the money is coming in... nothing phases me.

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  169. asocioruinedme- Do you want to be my friend? We can talk on email if you want. I have had a similar experience but it was with a female sociopath/psychopath (She was diagnosed with "Antisocial Personality Disorder" she is FRIGHTENING! I dated her and she truly is out of her mind! She literally fit EVERY trait of a sociopath but it was just scary as hell cause she could be so sweet when she actually wanted to be. She is a charming menace!

    She also gets/has the most BIZARRE emotional reactions to things! Female psychopaths are not like the males in that sense I hear, and she wasnt, she would say she thought she was very ugly but would talk about how good she looks later on! Her narcissism I guess!

    I like this website its pretty interesting to see how others view the world, although I cannot comprehend many of the things sociopaths do or enjoy but honestly I feel like they cannot comprehend things that "normals" do or enjoy either so I think to them the normals are the real "sociopaths". I get that feeling alot while reading some of this stuff.

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  170. What a complete whore. She's past mending with good advise

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  171. Thanks, Eden. When I am feeling manic I don't sleep.

    I know exactly what it is like to get manic at work. The first time, I was working at sea on a luxury liner, but I didn't know I was tripping on myself.

    I hate meds, too.

    ReplyDelete

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