Saturday, May 4, 2013

Self-medication

I've been thinking recently about things that have helped me without me intending or even realizing it. I'll give you an example of what I mean. I used to watch the television show House. He would always ask the person if there was anything about their life that changed. Sometimes the change was a healthier change, like stop drinking so much. But a frequent plot point of the show was that the patient had been unwittingly self-medicating an underlying condition, so when there was a lifestyle change (even to a seemingly more healthy habit), that triggered a flare up of the underlying condition.

There are a lot of things that, albeit indirectly, have helped me immensely in terms of maintaining decent mental health and behavior control:

  • I'm a musician. I didn't choose to be a musician. Music did not initially appeal to me, nor did I have a natural talent for it. At one point I wanted to stop music studies to focus on other things that I was better at. My parents refused. I went through the motions for a couple more years until I finally achieved a level of fluency that allowed me to understand and later communicate musically, connecting with people in an unmediated way that I had never experienced in normal social interactions. I have since studied music seriously, which was probably the first hard thing I made myself do. I learned a lot then about my limitations and how to incentivize myself or trick myself into doing things I normally would not. I still play. The abstract logic of music is very good for my mental health and the social aspect of music makes me be nicer to people. Music, to me, is humanity's most redeeming feature and has made me interested in the stability of the human race because a destabilized society means no more music generation. 
  • I have a low sugar diet. A lot of food makes me sick, so I mainly eat the same things over and over again, mostly protein and fiber. This also happens to be the most stable diet for mental health -- no sugar spikes, no twinkie-defense, no need.
  • Being a woman. I've never really had my megalomaniac fantasies indulged that much because I'm a woman. Men do not consider women a viable threat and women often look down on other women. So even though I felt like I could do absolutely anything, I never had anyone echoing that sentiment, which has forced me to be a little more realistic than I otherwise may have been. Also experiencing hormal swings has taught me that I can feel things that aren't real (emotional hallucinations). And girls are sort of evil with each other, so I could get my kicks through emotional manipulation and not through other riskier behavior.
  • Being Mormon. Yes, there is the moral code, but I think some of the more important things about growing up Mormon for me were the endless primary lessons trying to get us to understand our emotions, the emotions of other people (e.g. he hit me, which made me mad, so I hit him back, and now he's sad). and that we can control our emotions ("turn your frown upside down"). I got the sort of "this is a happy face, this other one is a frowny face" explicit emotional instruction that I feel is largely lacking in a lot of formal education nowadays, with our focus on mathematics and reading. And I had to learn to interact with all ages, races, and backgrounds of people.
  • Writing in a journal. My religion encouraged it and my narcissism wanted to document the early life of a genius (actual entries in my childhood journal). The side benefit was that it forced me to contemplate who I was and to realize some of the consequences of my behavior.
  • Being smart. There are an infinite number of ways this has affected my life, but for now let me just say that being perceived as being smart allowed me to get away with all sorts of things I otherwise would not have. Teachers gave me the benefit of the doubt, even when I was caught redhanded. I was given all of the social goodwill of a "good kid" simply because I scored so well on tests. 
There are other things that I feel lucky for -- a middle class upbringing with its de-emphasis on material goods, self-interested neglectful parents who largely left me alone, a superficial but straightforward culture which largely prized surface attributes and accomplishments that made it easy for me to mimic, and being a middle child who benefited from watching the failures of older siblings and was in a prime position to be a powerbroker, both between siblings and between parents and children.  

So when people ask me things like how do I maintain my life like I do, I don't know. The answer is complicated. I don't really expect people to learn a musical instrument or convert to Mormonism. But I don't know what else to say besides, it couldn't hurt?

225 comments:

  1. 1st
    (drugs and alcohol are for the weak if you do it sometimes it's ok but if you need it you are weak and vulnerable)

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    1. Also experiencing hormal swings has taught me that I can feel things that aren't real (emotional hallucinations).
      ru kidding me
      those are emotions hun
      you look someone in denial

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    2. •Being a woman. I've never really had my megalomaniac fantasies indulged that much because I'm a woman.
      condalisa rice, hillary clinton etc
      you are sexist for saying that

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    3. •Being smart. There are an infinite number of ways this has affected my life, but for now let me just say that being perceived as being smart allowed me to get away with all sorts of things I otherwise would not have. Teachers gave me the benefit of the doubt, even when I was caught redhanded. I was given all of the social goodwill of a "good kid" simply because I scored so well on tests.

      ok that is charm not intellect

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    4. M.E. is a wannabe sociopath but her entries are still interesting. Finally, which kind of people would like to be a sociopath?
      Jessi

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  2. My religion encouraged it and my narcissism wanted to document the early life of a genius
    narc?

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    1. in conclusion i think you are dropdead gorgeous cause you sure don't come off smart here
      and charm can only come from one of those

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    2. being smart is something to be proude off than why are you pretending to be a soulless sociopaths
      npd can be fixed

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    3. controle freak once again npd

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  3. Interesting that you got yourself forced into doing something you disliked for years. It's both pathetic and admirable in a way.

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    1. she can keep it up with binge eating sugar free twinkies

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    2. so unreal here food is even fake

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  4. My guitar teacher said that few people have that experience of touching another person through the relationship of playing music with them. It is a spiritual high like I imagine surfing a big wave would be.

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  5. I played music for a while, a brass instrument, and I was quite good at it. I found with music that I could be expressive. I knew how to change what I was playing so that it sounded 'right', so that it sounded good, without really becoming emotionally attached to the piece. I get a good feeling from being right, from learning and understanding a new concept. However, at a certain point I stopped caring, so I stopped trying to be expressive, viewed it as a chore, and let whatever talent I may have had fade away.

    As for how I managed to survive and thrive, it could have something to do with being bullied when I was younger. I've always been smart and sort of nerdy, and needing glasses from a young age helped me fit that picture. My early attempts at extroversion were met with open hostility, so I turned to myself and my studies. The children around me in class were sources of pain, so I focused on topics in class. While other kids dicked around, I learned.

    My upbringing could be described as hands-off, but supportive. Good behavior was incentivized, for example I received an allowance that was directly tied to my chores. Washing dishes is 50 cents, sweeping the breezeway is a quarter, feeding the dog is a quarter, etc. When I started getting letter grades, I was paid a bit more, maybe $5 per A on my report card. That didn't last forever, though, because all I ever got were A's. I don't know if that incentive was really necessary, since it was never much work to get good grades.

    I was not raised religious, but my neighbors insisted I go to some church activities. I think they couldn't stand to see a poor child's soul on the path to hell. So, I got some exposure when I was young. One of my best friends in high school was also very cool, and very religious, so I joined him and his family in church occasionally. One of the times I went, an order of business was the church budget, with detailed income and expenses. That really turned me off to churches, and organized religion in general. My parents' stance was that I could do what I wanted in that regard, and suggested I read the Bible if I wanted to learn about Christianity. I am a rather voracious reader, so I think it took less than a week to read it cover to cover. One thing I learned is that mainstream Christian religion cherrypicks from that book and twists it unrecognizably to suit its motives, which are hardly pure. If people could think for themselves, I think the Bible would make for an interesting topic for discourse. Most Christians do not.

    This is going to sound arrogant, but my brain is exceptional. I never thought it was fair that you could brag about money, athletic ability, and beauty, but if you said you were smart that made you an detestable little shit. I usually let my intelligence speak for itself, but their are some interesting facets to it that I like to talk about. I memorize things very passively. I've used my debit card and bank account often enough that at a certain point, I no longer had to look at them to enter all the information to pay rent, or buy something online. Maybe everyone does this, but for me learning and memorization never require study. I learn by osmosis, so long as there's more information outside of me than in, knowledge leaks in.

    I don't think I possess genius-level intelligence, but I have enough that I could aimlessly wander through life and end up with a PhD in a hard science, and a well-paying job with opportunities for advancement limited by only my ambition. At the end of the day, though, it's curiosity that drives me. There are always more connections to be made, and my voracious reading extends to scientific articles, which have led to many more ideas than I could possibly examine at this career stage.

    Wow, that was really arrogant. Mirror, where are you? I think I need to be taken down a notch ;)

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    1. Idk about M.E articles lately...
      but whatever
      I bet she is attractive.


      I was in chorus and was studying to be a classical soprano.
      But it was hard for me to "get into the song". I was great at the technicality. Could spit out articulate diction and contrasting dynamics but I had trouble being expressive. My peers in chorus would cry over a song they really liked, and they all felt this bond with each other. I was jut like...I have to be better. I have to sing higher. I could improve my tone. My breath support.


      M.E started off making the post seem like it was about factors that allow for good mental health. But then she just listen reasons she thinks being allegedly a sociopath is easier for her than most people to get away with.

      Being a hormonal female with a cluster B personality disorder is NOT a privilege. Many of them automatically get written off as borderlines, which has quite possibly a greater stigma attached to it.

      Delete
    2. btw Happy Borderline Personality Disorder Awareness Month!

      Delete
    3. Mirror, mirror on the wall.. who's the the most pompous of them all?
      You're not too bad, Quasi, but you really do like a kitty that can scratch a pretty pattern on that pasty skin of yours, don't you?

      Your brain is exceptional, you say? Don't know about that. And yes, this is exactly the type of thing that makes you sound like an arrogant ass. You haven't said anything at all that would qualify you for exceptional status.

      Memorizing bank account numbers after using them for a long time is something that most people are able to do. Big fucking deal. Hell, even I memorize mine after 3 or 4 times using them.

      But we do share something else, it seems. I'm endlessly curious and able to absorb information on many different topics easily too. But you claimed you spent a lot of time studying, so those A's didn't just come to you, now did they?

      That type of memory is the only reason why I was able to get good grades at school, even though I made a point of dicking around and almost never doing homework or studying. Had practically every teacher tell me that if only I applied myself and stopped misbehaving (and convincing others to join in), I could do anything at all. I got along just fine and managed to have a lot of fun in the process.

      You're a voracious reader and it took you a whole week to read the Bible? Hardly impressive that. The problem with the Bible is that there are so many inconsistencies that it becomes ridiculously easy for those Christians to cherry pick to suit their motives. Don't get me started on that. This is not a religious forum.

      It's a book that I have a very hard time taking seriously at all. Even as a child I would get in trouble for asking those very inconvenient questions that never got answered past "you must have faith or god will punish you". The real trouble came when I used to ask why god would punish a child for not understanding and being curious.

      This whole post just made you sound like a nerd with poor social skills, no athletic ability and an over inflated opinion of your mental capacity. Geez, no wonder you are after the bad boy image ;)

      Also, now I'm really curious what you look like. Indulge me?

      Evil Anon

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    4. Yawn.
      Jessi

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    5. I wonder what M.E. looks like an how old she is.

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    6. Jessi, my little Chihuahua, what's happening with your plans to out the "sociopath" who rejected you?

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    7. Without doing a point by point, which would be very dull, let me just say that an improvement of your reading comprehension could be beneficial. I can't decide whether you're trying to goad me into self-defense, or if you are just easily confused. Let me know if it's the latter and I'll quote myself for you :)

      However, you've also raised a number of valid points! Tell me, in what field is your PhD, or are you an MD, or perhaps you have a law degree? Most people would objectively determine that someone with a PhD in science, Molecular Biology in my case, possesses above-average intelligence. Also, I've never had to study in order to succeed in any academic area.

      I was good at track and baseball, but I always valued my intelligence more. Yech, I ended up defending myself after all, though I'm looking forward to you one-upping me in the area of academic achievement!

      And lastly, you may have noticed that I chose to name myself nameless. My picture, along with other information I've provided, could be used to identify me. Thus, I see your picture, and raise you an identity. I'll show you mine if you show me yours, so to speak. I don't know how that would work, though, as it would require mutual trust between manipulative liars. Maybe we can get some advice from some mafia types? I bet they deal with this all the time. I really am honest, though, so if you provided me with your true identity I would reciprocate. I do what I say I will do, as it keeps me honest to myself. Call me old-fashioned, but my word is my honor.

      Lovely chatting with you by the way :)

      Delete
    8. Oh, he came for the shadow boxing...
      Jessi

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    9. The day I believe in the word of a sociopath, please, bury me with him...
      Jessi

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    10. My plans to out the sociopath are long term. But I do never cancel an appointment with retributive justice.
      Jessi

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    11. I was taking the Mickey, Quasi. But you did think I was serious enough to defend yourself :)

      You're a fascinating one, that's for sure.
      As for my education, I am not about to tell anything on here because it will identify me and I'm enjoying this game a little too much for that.

      Very tempting to see your raise. Very tempting indeed.
      I'd be willing to give you my fb page if I got yours first. But then that means you would have to trust me, now wouldn't it? Are you really willing to do that?

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    12. Oh no... Two high-functioning sociopaths playing the : "trust me, trust me not"... Yawn.
      Jessi

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    13. Don't make me get the anti barking collar, Jessi :)

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    14. Don't make me mow the daisies...
      Jessi

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    15. @Chet Covington

      I think that everyone understands by now that you want to know how old M.E. is and what she looks like. Seeing as you'll sell yourself to anything with genitals, I don't see why you care whether it not she is attractive.

      And a piece of advice: socios don't go for chicks as easy as you. We need a challenge. So why don't you spam some other website with your ridiculously annoying posts

      Delete
    16. Evil Anon, my mirror, my Muse. I know who you are. I have to ask, though, did you mean to tell me? You didn't have to make it so obvious, I knew yesterday.

      There is a chance I'm wrong, though since I've started to trust my intuition I've found it's usually dead on. I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt, and assume you've told me on purpose.

      Delete
    17. M. Brig, you may be one of the few that does not see that I am joking. As I mentioned to one anon the other day, I am in a monogamous relationship. When not in a relationship I tend to be celibate. I get that you do not appreciate my posts, but if someone asks me a question, or I would like to contribute to a discussion, I am going to. Your distaste for me is not going to keep me from this website. I do not value you or your opinion any more than you value me and mine.

      Delete
    18. Well then, Anon Ymous, you should have no problem at all contacting me if you want to confirm who I am.
      Send me an email in the next hour and I will tell you the truth.
      I've left enough of what I thought to be very obvious clues to my identity.

      As for your intuition, I beg to differ that it is spot on. You thought I was Monica exposing herself to you in the throes of jealous rage, after all ;)

      Delete
    19. In my defense, I got what I wanted. And since you did what you did, who's to say I wouldn't have succeeded in the way I intended, given more time?

      Delete
    20. You are not quite the manipulator you think you are.
      I have no doubts you would have managed to seduce Monica utterly. She made it far, far too easy. It was so pathetic I almost felt sorry for her. Almost.

      Now, what about confirming my identity?

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    21. I feel stupid for asking, but are you M.E.? lol

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    22. Chet, I love you right now. But no.

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    23. Oh, you are a clever girl. I like your style, evil anon. I expected you to wait longer to make this move, though. I'm still having fun, though. Any hints on my next move? I never intended to get this far, it's like finding myself in the middle of a chess game, though I don't know the rules.

      Also, when did you realize that this was my intention from the very beginning? I'm kind of a novice at this, I could never match a master with so much more experience. Like I said, I'm a late bloomer ;)

      Delete
    24. I've always liked you Evil Anon. :)

      Delete
    25. I don't get jokes, Chet.

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    26. yeah, yeah and that's why you don't "get" me

      cause I'm the joke

      cute in its predictability

      Delete
    27. Now, now Anon Ymous. Flattery will not get you nearly as far as you think with me. You should know that.

      Just because you are a master player, does not make you immune to other players.

      It was a fun game, but unfortunately I find myself losing interest in it. So why don't we up the ante, darling?

      Delete
    28. "Love is truly rare for me." Why does that sound so familiar, like I've read it somewhere before? My fickle mind, making connections that are meaningless. If youre not M.E. then you are an absolute MARVEL. To know that such a simple phrase would stick in my head, to know that I'd seen it once before. You are a GOD, and whoever you are, PLEASE give me another chance, another clue, another hour! You are above and beyond anything I expected from M.E. I am utterly yours, if you'll have me.

      Delete
    29. Oh, what do you have in mind?

      Delete
    30. More flattery...
      You know that I am not M.E. Though I am a great admirer.
      Make the game more interesting for me and that chance is yours.

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    31. Maybe she's Maria
      or Haven

      they're female

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    32. Not today, babe.

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    33. Chet, you just made it into my bad books.

      You really think I'm either a middle aged, bat shit crazy bipolar stalker, have BPD or am a yapping, arrogant Chihuahua?

      Delete
    34. Medusa isn't as game driven. Think again.

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    35. Medusa?! Now I'm really offended. What's next, Monica?

      Delete
    36. You have some explaining to do, darling.

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    37. I forgot Medusa! so many M names. If only they knew my legal name...

      Hey evil anon, I don't mean offense. I haven't been here long enough to know anything about these people other than their gender.

      Delete
    38. There are many female regulars, Chet. I am one of them, but I am most certainly not anyone that has been mentioned.

      Though I suspect Anonymous 632 knows. If you are who I think you are, I have always liked and respected you too, Anonymous 632.

      Evil Anon

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    39. Yes, what kind of opponent am I, if I just respond to your moves? How rude of me! Since we're both admirers of M.E., I'll share my opinion of her. We are both very curious types, so you may find my thoughts interesting! I'd love to hear yours as well.

      I find her mind so fantastically appealing, that she would have to be an absolute troll for me not to find her irresistible. Given her success in seduction though, I expect the opposite is true. She is both incredibly open, and beautifully dangerous. I fear she has tired of chasing lesser game and become a hunter of real men, sociopaths. I am caught in her web completely, and I've tugged on the threads, trying to catch her attention.

      Should she come closer, she may not find me such docile prey, as I was born wrapped in the same silk she weaves. And if I cannot draw her out, get her to play the game of predator vs. predator, I will creep away silently and without a trace.

      Yes, I am curious, why are you here? Do you admire her as a strong and independent woman, as I do? Do you lust for her, as I do? I have been asked why I am here, and I have lied through my teeth. Now you know :)

      I hope I haven't lost your interest, there are many more games we can play, the game of escalating lust not the least of them, if you're into that ;)

      Delete
    40. If you are who I think you are, I have always liked and respected you too, Anonymous 632

      Liar...

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    41. I've been female and anon before.
      back when I was even lazier and didn't feel like signing into Google

      but I don't think you're me

      Delete
    42. Anon 738, I am that.

      Anon Ymous, you fascinate me, so I have not lost interest in you. Yet ;)

      I share your opinions of M.E.
      I came here seeking answers as to why I am the way I am. Not for the purposes of a seduction game.

      M.E. and some of the other regulars have opened my eyes to many delusions that were negatively impacting my life.
      I have never been happier.

      I do love games, but one of escalating lust is out of the question. This is another big hint for you as to my identity.

      Evil Anon

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    43. How did these slights here and there start, though, missis evil?

      Delete
    44. I have been playing the anonymous game and telling the truth as I see it on here for quite some time, Anonymous 806.

      Which slights are you referring to exactly?

      Delete
    45. Chet, you might be adorable, but you are oh so blind.
      I am not a lesbian. I am bi.

      Delete
    46. Anon 815

      You're right, you have. I've always liked that about you.
      And nevermind, I'm happy that you're happy.

      Delete
    47. I haven't read as much of the comments section as I have of M.E.'s posts. The only person on here I've met that has M.E.'s level of intelligence is Daniel Birdick. Would you laugh at me if I said I thought Daniel Birdick was actually M.E.?

      If I'm wrong and you're not DB, then I have not a fucking clue. If I'm right, uhh, want to grab a beer or something? Or grow some tits?

      Also, were you trying to make me think you were M.E.? I haven't read much of anything you've written outside the past couple days.

      I checked your Blogger profile, but maybe your email doesn't show up on the mobile version? I was going to email you, but mostly because I thought you were M.E.

      Delete
    48. Chet, not even close on either account. I don't really even know who they are. Please stop guessing, I will not tell you the truth anyway.

      Anon 828, thank you. I also appreciate you not telling them my identity and ruining the game.

      Evil Anon

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    49. Never. :P This is too fun.

      Delete
    50. I guess you're too feminine to be C

      Delete
    51. Thank you again, Anonymous 835 ;)

      Anon Ymous,
      I am not M.E. nor Daniel Birdick. Though I do take it as the highest possible compliment to be compared to either.

      I have never attempted to sound like M.E. or anyone else for that matter. I am simply me. An anonymous account does not have an email attached, that would ruin the anonymity, would it not? But I do have an account on here that does have an email attached.

      As for growing tits, I have quite an admirable pair already, you charmer, you.

      And Chet, no, no, no. Stop guessing.

      Evil Anon

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    52. But I like playing it makes me feel...included T_T

      Delete
    53. But you are just so bad at it, Chet.
      I have left numerous, very telling clues to my identity, yet you have not picked up on most of them.

      You're basically just throwing random female names at the moment. Eventually you will be right, but where's the fun in that?

      That's why I will not answer anything except "no", no matter what names you might come up with. But I can tell you that I am definitely not any of the ones listed previously.

      Evil Anon

      Delete
    54. Yeah well, I haven't been active on the site for very long, and I've guessed most if not all of the recent names, including a bi girl. there is sociogirl and muymalgal but I'm sure those are "no"s as well. I like you as evil anon though. Your speech reminds me of a pen pal I have.

      Delete
    55. The forums make my phone flip out, is there an app for them?

      I like you, so when I have my computer again tomorrow night, I'll try to find you.

      You keep me honest, show me that my mind remains flawed, and that I am capable of becoming fixated on an idea to a point that it clouds my judgment. And here I am bragging about my supposed brilliant mind!

      I'll let you in on a little secret. I have a high opinion of myself, but I was socially tortured when I was young, and I cannot believe others could see anything to like in me. I've left people drained because I try so hard to be likeable, and when people respond positively towards me, I deny it and keep them at arm's length. They must see mutual admiration and attraction, and it must hurt them when I push them away.

      If that's too sappy for you, it's late for me, and I'm feeling reflective. Why have you shown me mercy? Games are meant to be won, and I have lost handily due to my ignorance and lack of self control.

      Delete
    56. Anon Ymous,
      You are learning already. False humility, especially when combined with sweetness, is surprisingly effective :)

      Yes, you let your narcissism blind you to the facts presented to you. Your arrogance led you to believe that you can simply come here, say some pretty words, play a little game and the object of your desire will be so charmed that she will fall into your lap.

      I intend to honor the deal I presented earlier. If you are willing to trust me and give me your fb, I will do the same.

      I am quite happy to talk, but I have no interest in changing you, apart from possibly helping you see some of your weaknesses. To keep you as honest to yourself as possible.

      I will not play seduction games with you. Nor will I fall for any pity plays and try to heal you. If that is what you are after, you may wish to reconsider seducing Monica ;)

      I like you too. That is not mercy, simply me seeing more benefit to continuing our conversation, than to fuck with your head and discard you.The game is not over yet.

      Evil Anon

      Delete
    57. Well, I can't even convince people I'm a sociopath when I tell it to them straight, so I doubt it would be much trouble to deny it. And if I couldn't, were you malicious enough to attempt character assassination, there are many lessons for me to learn. Assuming I haven't gotten dumber, just careless, I should be able to find your email, and I think I will send you my fb page.

      I am careful, but not really afraid. I always have to be in control, to rein myself in. Throwing caution to the wind is a thrill by itself. I really do fantasize about being a bum. I wonder how many are sociopaths? The friendly greetings, the reasonable stories, how they'll pay you back. The warm smiles and handshakes. And when they get their five dollars (I knew the story was fake) how they turn and walk away, face and heart as stone, on the prowl again. Maybe, though, it was just the one in Pennsylvania. Bums in my city are hardly so creative, and not a one has gotten a penny from me. I work for my money, you can work for yours. Yes, I think bumhood would suit me just fine.

      Delete
    58. I am enjoying just being friends with him, Evil Anon.

      Delete
    59. I am enjoying just being friends with him, Evil Anon.

      Delete
    60. Ummm, I was not referring to you being the object of his desire. I was talking about M.E. He did come here with hopes of seducing our fearless leader after all.

      Evil Anon

      Delete
    61. I did say I have an awfully high opinion of myself ;)

      Certainly a misstep to reveal so much, and aiming for a target out of reach, but you miss 100% of the shots you never take. If I'm to make mistakes, best to make them here! I have made major mistakes outside the realm of 1s and 0s, but I have recovered from them. My job is essentially to learn, so why not make that my hobby as well?

      Delete
    62. Anon Ymous,
      Worried I would play games with and expose you? Sweet little me?

      I have to run now, but will be back later in the day. Look forward to talking more then. So many questions I want to ask you.

      I'll give you another hint, my name does NOT start with A.
      Happy hunting ;)

      Evil Anon

      Delete
    63. I've managed to get the forums to behave by switching to the web version on my phone. I started hunting, but got hung up by this "Inquirer" character. I flipped around a bit until I hit goatse, and decided to take a break! Unfortunately, I haven't identified a gender, but this person has the appropriate level of inquisitiveness, and could have been struck by my self-identification as a nerd.

      If that's not you, would you kindly let me know? I don't want to read 1,000 posts written by someone with no interest in me.

      Delete
    64. I am still not sure if I am having fun following this game. You want to win for the sake of winning, but at the end, what's the reward? Cock wagging? Even if you find out who you both are. People change FB accounts in 5 min, does it worth to use so much time for that? What are you trying to find out? If you are soulmates? Hahaha, you sociopaths! If you are really sociopaths this looks pretty unefficient... Don't make me realise that you, like M.E., are also, wannabes... :(

      I'm not Birdick's fan anymore. His latests comments fell too much on the left side for me. But he still has my attention. I'm curious about Alterego.
      Jessi

      Delete
    65. Anon Ymous,

      I am not Inquirer.


      Bad girl, Jessi!
      Seriously though, nobody gives a flying fuck what you think :)
      This is all for fun. He gives me his account, I give him mine. We get our curiosity sated. We might get to talk in private. Who knows what secrets may come out? Maybe I will tell him the truth about some of the lies I have told on here. Perhaps he harbors a wish to take one for the team and give you that pity fuck that nobody else is willing to.

      You cannot imagine the shudder it sends through me to think that you might consider me unworthy of your attention.
      As for Birdick, you would be an even bigger fool than I thought if you refuse to take his advice and comments seriously.

      What's the latest in regards to your brilliant plans to manipulate your "sociopath"?

      Evil Anon

      Delete
    66. I'm just saying that it's taking long. But if you are having fun, great, some people have fun collecting stamps... Like the pity fuck, just not my kind of thing.

      Am I not giving you already enough attention?
      I take Birdick's comments and advice seriously. I am just not his fan anymore, his latests comments disappointed me, but you don't care of what I think.

      I'm focused on exposure. Watching, collecting proves of his gaffes. It is a work of patience but it has assured results. I am not in a hurry, these things are always best served cold. And he still has the opportunity of expiating himself, though he is not aware of it. I like knowing that the watch is working against him.

      Jessi

      Delete
    67. Hi Evil Anon! I've been looking for potential candidates. I wish now that I hadn't been so turned off by the forum months ago, when it seemed every thread was a pissing match between Brontosauri with full bladders and a slow rate of flow. I've identified and (mostly ruled out) all potential people.

      I even followed turncoat back in time until I found out he was a dude!

      I'm afraid I'm finding forum navigation more tedious than challenging. Any hints? The title of a single thread you've posted in would be immensely helpful, given that enough different people posted in it for it to be challenging. I'd be willing to trade a general physical description of myself (height, weight, eye and hair color) if you would be so kind :) It's something you'd get regardless if I succeeded, I know, but all of our wonderful friends here would know too! I am not perfect :D

      Delete
    68. You crack me up, Jessi.

      A little word of advice, since you seem adamant about going through with this:
      Be very careful about how you collect information. Don't let anyone in on what you are really doing. I do mean anyone. Also, be very careful about not spreading information that only you would have access to. It will lead him straight back to you. Then it can turn very ugly.

      This happened to me. I seduced, manipulated and turned my ex's best friend against him. Managed to convince everyone my ex was a lying, sadistic stalker who is going out of his way to hurt me. He lost the new girlfriend, many friends, his reputation and even a job. I ended up looking like an angel :)

      Evil Anon

      Delete
    69. And the angel, smile on her lips and light in her eyes, leaned in to the man before her, sweetly whispering, "Don't fuck with me." and planted a soft kiss upon his cheek.

      Delete
    70. Anon Ymous,

      You are truly delightful.
      I like secrets. The others don't need to know all that about you. Unless of course you wish to tell them for your own reasons.
      I'll give you another small hint. I have not been on the forum at all in the past 24 hours.

      Evil Anon

      Delete

    71. Evil anon, in the best case he will never get a clue of who exposed him and he will blame others. I believe the ideal revenge has no signature.

      Anon Ymous, did you consider "green eyes" as a candidate? She sounds like having a similar level of narcissism and hollowness as evil anon.

      Jessi

      Delete
  6. @Anon Ymous

    On reflection of our interaction, I realize that you treated me very gently and I want to thank you for that. If I do anything to impinge on your boundaries, please tell me and I will stop.

    I am here trying to find my authentic voice and that is not, often, graceful and aware enough of the boundaries of others.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No worries! I take you seriously, so you questioning my self-image forces me to also question it. My need to defend it concerns me and suggests I need to more closely examine myself, and possibly reassess. One thing that is for sure is that I have a total lack of empathy. But, just because I don't feel the pain of others doesn't mean I can't see it. You are a nice person, Monica, and intentionally harming you would villify me, and I don't want that. I might even feel pleasure hurting you, as it would demonstrate my power and influence. However, you are more valuable as a source of information and reflection than as a spike of amusement. I hope you don't mind my honesty, I can learn nothing if I come here to lie.

      Delete
    2. Never lie Anon Ymous. Why bother coming here and talking if one has to fake it? That is why I am here. I show my true self here and then I can claim it.

      Delete
    3. Well, if I may be honest. When I have a heart connection with someone, as I did with you, I receive impressions about them and for them. This just happens to me with people. As I was waking up today, I got one for you.

      It was the Biblical verse, "I can turn a heart of stone into a heart of flesh"

      Delete
    4. Ooor, could it be that you like to indulge in a little wishful thinking to make the person fit your fantasies?
      The bad boy with the heart of gold that you will be able to save from himself if only you could manage to make him see his goodness, his real potential.
      So you fawn all over them, embarrass yourself and give them all the ammunition they need to hurt you. Then move on to the next one without the benefit of having learned your lesson. This is not going to end well for you.

      You need to accept that sometimes, they are not like that. Sometimes they really are assholes that enjoy being assholes and are putting on a show of healing to amuse themselves. As soon as they tire of the game, they will fuck you over.

      Delete
    5. I have problems to believe that you have a total lack of empathy, Anon Ymous. For everybody? I have few or no empathy for people I don't like. And I don't like people because either I perceive them as evil ( independently if they present themselves as such or not) or because I find them deeply uninteresting. ( I have very few empathy for children for example. )
      Jessi

      Delete
    6. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    7. That's something I never understood about you, Monica. How do you reconcile your views that your life is for serving god with astrology?

      Delete
    8. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    9. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    10. @Monica

      I couldn't help but to laugh out loud as I read that you think you had a "heart connection" with this Anon Ymous

      Delete
    11. I am a barrel of laughs for you, M Brig, so what the heck~

      Delete
    12. I'm sure that's all you are to anyone

      Delete
    13. M Brig is cruising for a fight
      Watch out SW

      Delete
    14. Theme for Big Bad, Fighting Machine M Brig

      Delete
    15. Another One for M Brig because he is just that big and bad

      Delete
  7. My mind is my heart, and it is not stone, it is clay. Some parts have been fired, and some have not. You are a mirror that can help me see the shape, but you will never mold me. I will not let you get close enough. The closer you try to get, the harder I'll push you away, like two magnets at the same pole. Attraction will come from someone else, a magnet that shares my orientation, and I will stick to them so long as our poles align.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "a magnet that shares my orientation"

      He's obviously gay, Monica. It isn't you--it's him.

      Delete
    2. Nah, Chet
      He is too sexy to be gay~

      Delete
    3. I don't find men sexually attractive. I do have a mindcrush on Daniel Birdick, though.

      Delete
    4. You say that, yet I am the sexiest on this entire blog.
      Plus according to M.E. sociopaths are at least somewhat gay.
      Of course, she says a lot of things...tsk tsk

      Do you know what he looks like?

      Delete
    5. I have a mindcrush on this one anon that reminds me of my pen pal Titania whose real name is Helena.

      Delete
    6. Sometimes people call me kwazi modo or something, but I'm not sure what that means.

      Delete
    7. it means you're not conventionally attractive

      Delete
    8. Am I so bad at jokes, or are you FINALLY being sarcastic?

      Delete
    9. You lost the game.



      I wrote this when I was like 8 or 9...speaking of narcissism

      “The Game”

      I am like a lion, trying to be tame

      in this game.

      Someone lame, get some fame

      in this game.

      I know that they’re all watching me,

      but I can’t win so easily.

      Still…the winner of this game just has to be me.

      I am like a lion, trying to be tame

      in this game.

      Someone lame, get some fame

      in this game.

      I have no shame,

      I’ll win this game.

      Delete
    10. They call me Quasimo-to, but I'm not so slow, though

      They will never know, no, that I run the show, so

      They will not see, me, from behind the tree, free

      Free to kill, free to be, free to end their misery.

      Delete
    11. Has M.E. ever posted a recording of her music? It wouldn't be too identifying, and I imagine if she were afraid of criticism, this blog would have died a long time ago.

      Also, I suspected she was a she, but the suspicion was only solidified when I read her book reviews, and only now am I certain. In the vast majority of her posts, it seemed to me that she was deliberately ambiguous about her sex. It was particularly frustrating to me, because when I construct a mental image of someone, gender is always a vital base. I did always hope she was female, though ;)

      She's mentioned before that she was Mormon, and that she benefited from it. However, I think that religious belief, at least at the mainstream level that decries evolution, radiocarbon dating, and measurements of the age of the universe, requires a high level of self-deception. I accept that there are processes and events in the natural world that I do not understand, but I cannot accept that the truth resides in a book written tens of thousands of years after the dawn of man.

      I wonder if M.E. has any excerpts of her journal in her book, or if she has posted any here. I think I would find that quite interesting. Especially if she at least had her age at the time of each section. I'm always weighing myself against other intelligent people, so it would be fun to see how I measure up!

      Delete
    12. Chet, that was terrible. Just terrible.

      Quasi, I am not eloquent enough to tell you just how bad your poem is. I'm almost tempted to ask if you're part Vogon :)

      Delete
    13. But it rhymed, asshole! I do better with pretty words and metaphors, I promise :)

      Delete
    14. I prefer "cunt", thank you very much. Although Evil Anon still makes me chuckle.

      Go ahead then, Quasi. Impress me with your prowess by giving me a prettily worded description of yourself.

      Delete
    15. I know it was terrible. I wrote it when I was in 3rd grade. I just thought it might be laughable in its unjustified haughtiness.

      Delete
    16. Not too bad for 3rd grade. Got anything more recent?

      Delete
    17. It was a nice break. But Evil Anon still insists in shadow boxing with Quasi.
      Jessi

      Delete
    18. I am a blind spider, laying traps for flies and pretty moths. They land willingly upon my silken strands, admiring their lustre and strength. I feel them twitching on my web, beckoning me. I wrap them in my cold embrace with practiced precision, and paralyze them with my sightless gaze. I drain them of their vital essence, leaving empty husks behind. I do not care, I know no better, they nourish me.

      Now my eyes are open, and I see the bodies strewn about. I know what I have done, and two paths appear. I can continue to lay down strands, improving my web, and feeding on those who admire it. Or, I could drop a dragline, and look for something new. Maybe I will make my way to another web, and dance the dance of killers, and hope she is not the type to consume her mate.

      Delete
    19. "Pizza and Such"

      Bent over.

      You put it in,

      but it comes up

      a bit each time

      you pause to take a bite.

      Pepperoni falls onto my back intermittently.

      Delete
    20. @Anon Ymous
      Amazing poetry.

      Delete
    21. Very nice, Quasi.
      You're a clever boy, I'm sure you can figure out a way to give me what I want.

      That's hilarious, yet gross, Chet. Any more?

      Delete
    22. People are jealous of people, I’m told.

      When people love and are mean,

      they are jealous.

      When people hate and don’t leave,

      they are jealous. They stay to be

      rubbed off on.

      To be jealous, always of no one, nothing

      I am alone and jealous, always.

      Delete
    23. In these moments I'd wish English was not just a foreign language for me.
      Jessi

      Delete
    24. what is your native tongue?

      Delete
    25. I hope Anon Ymous did'nt leave us in the search of a Mantis...
      Sleep time.
      Jessi

      Delete
  8. That sounds like a challenge <3

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. a stap-on will do the trick

      Delete
  9. Replies
    1. haha, pathetic delusion.

      Delete
    2. Wow, thats incredibly quick witted.

      Delete
    3. I think I've found the REAL sexy one

      Delete
    4. You're nothing but a prostitute you whore. Keep deluding yourself Chet

      Delete
    5. Yeah, I'm laughing at you too

      Delete
  10. Somebody's feeling narcy

    ReplyDelete
  11. Your mask is slipping, M.E.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Replies
    1. Ladies Hold Onto Your Pants
      Theme for Anon Ymous

      Delete
    2. That was cringe worthy.
      You insist on throwing yourself at a man who clearly has no romantic interest in you. Makes you look really desperate, like you have no self respect at all. Hardly an attractive quality.

      Delete
    3. why is the blog site about potential trysts, trolling, bragging, and arguing anyway ha


      it should be a reality tv show

      Delete
    4. I like the song. My spath also made me believe in miracles. I am still hooked to the feeling, I was probably most hooked to the feeling than to him even then.
      Jessi

      Delete
    5. Think about it, considering the amount of comments, you're the main actor in it.

      And believe me, its one of those really bad B reallity shows.

      Delete
    6. The anon up there has a craving of "something", Chet. I don't even think she knows about what. Pure insatisfaction.
      Jessi

      Delete
  13. I understand that MyMind is annoyed at the excessive long comments particularly on yesterday's post. Probably should have responded to Anon Ymous's questions via private email, but didn't think about that/am lazy.

    On another note, that song is creepy and I just don't get a sex god vibe from Anon Ymous. More like a hip grandpa vibe in his "yes, young grasshopper" ways

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You think the long-ass comments are the reason?

      Btw, do you really think this tactic is going to work? That's almost insulting.

      Delete
    2. please I'm tactless
      now you are having a delusion

      Delete
    3. you know the difference between tactic and tact, right?

      Delete
    4. meaning I am not focused/apt/discreet enough to calculate a clever tactic.

      Delete
    5. Look at how pathetic you are, it makes me almost sick.

      Delete
    6. This is the wrong place for you, it's too intelligent, although most people here are pretty stupid. And you aren't pretty, but stupid.

      Delete
    7. Don't pay any attention to them, Chet. They cruise for fights. Ignore them

      Delete
    8. Wow, fast and exact analyzis, i am impressed.

      Btw, its not like you could win anyways.

      Delete
    9. I know. It's like the forget how trite trolling is. Nothing clever or innovative about it.

      Delete
    10. haha, thats not trolling. I am just mocking you, and showing you what certainly most people think of you.

      Delete
    11. well enjoy yourself. I already believe most people mock me/don't like me. It hasn't cut into me yet.

      Delete
    12. leave chet alone u little bitch

      Delete
    13. Hahahaha, shut up little ball-less anon.

      Delete
    14. Say what you like about her, the girl has potential. Don't take yourself too seriously, Chet, the world is your playground.

      Delete
    15. In a weird way I'm flattered to be mocked on here. Makes me feel like a regular for real.

      Delete
    16. potential for what?

      And btw, she is the playground for the world, not the other way around.

      Delete
    17. Could you not refer to me as a she if you're gonna address me as Chet? It doesn't mesh right. I'm sure you can think of some very insulting names.

      Delete
    18. Nah, i can't. also i think your actual name/existence is insulting "enough". or better, i can't think of something more insulting.

      Delete
    19. Although you know little to nothing of my actual name/existence I'm sure you are correct.

      Delete
    20. You seem to forget that i can read between the lines, i know everything i need to know.

      Delete
    21. I said that I am sure you are correct.

      Delete
    22. You said that i know little to nothing about you, that is what i was referring too.

      Delete
    23. No. I said you know little or nothing about my name or existence. meaning literally--my name, and what I do, other than come on here. That's the "little".

      Delete
  14. "Being a woman. I've never really had my megalomaniac fantasies indulged that much because I'm a woman. Men do not consider women a viable threat and women often look down on other women. So even though I felt like I could do absolutely anything, I never had anyone echoing that sentiment, which has forced me to be a little more realistic than I otherwise may have been. Also experiencing hormal swings has taught me that I can feel things that aren't real (emotional hallucinations). And girls are sort of evil with each other, so I could get my kicks through emotional manipulation and not through other riskier behavior."

    As if objectivity was male.

    ReplyDelete
  15. or as if M.E. was mimicing a male mimicing a woman

    ReplyDelete
  16. or the internalization of misogyny

    ReplyDelete
  17. This post sounds like it was written when ME was in her 20s. The introduction and the following argument don't match. The introduction is probably written recently but the rest. I don't know, maybe as she was writing about the past she regressed to that age, the language is off somehow.

    ReplyDelete

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