Saturday, May 11, 2013

Attachment/connection

From a sociopath reader:

First of all let me start by saying I am a sociopath. I have been diagnosed but I kept it to myself because people will act differently if they know. There doesn't seem to be any benefits of being diagnosed with exception of the availability of so-called "help". Something which is useless.

I'm smart, very smart. I've been IQ tested by 4 different tests and I've averaged at 167. I breeze through my studies. Although this seems fun I find it rather frustrating. I enjoy puzzles. They interest me. When I say puzzles I don't mean Sunday crosswords and sudoku, I mean people puzzles. For example, if someone is upset then I find it fun to search for the reason why they are upset. Average puzzles are facile.

I want to know what your take on sociopathic connection and attachment to other people is.
I know this girl. We go to college together. She's not that smart but what draws me to her is that she is very similar to me. She's attractive and has a kind of free personality. For the past couple of years we have had what she describes as a "love-hate relationship". We've never dated but we have hooked up. We've fought a lot but I always win as I'm much more intelligent than her. 

I am very attached to her and I *feel* very close to her. I don't like her per se but I think there's a connection. As much as I like her ("like" denoting attachment), whenever we talk meaningfully I find that I never disclose real personal information such as my non-existent emotions.
She interests me.

She is different. She is the only person who I can't easily read. Everybody else is so easy to discern yet I find her puzzling nature very enlightening. While I spend my life searching for distractions, she serves as the best one. I am intrigued by her. 

I believe she has Histrionic Personality Disorder, based on 4 years of evidence to support this. Especially the attention-seeking and dramatic emotions. She is constantly changing which I think is intriguing. Usually I can discern people fairly well but with her it's different.

I feel very protective over her and if anyone (I'm an exception to this, hypocritically) hurts her then I will lose it. I rarely get angry and so I will calmly deal with it. 

I'm just wondering what you think of this. Maybe I should try to act more 'not-sociopathic' around her although she kind of likes that I'm different. She knows that something is up with me but she just doesn't realise what I am capable of or exactly what I am. I would never physically hurt her by the way.


My response:

I think people are the most interesting distraction too. It's like that short story, "The Most Dangerous Game." Would you be sad if she rejected you? Said she hated you? Told everyone your secrets or otherwise exposed you to the world? And if she would and could do those things, is that part of the reason why you find her engaging? I think your answers lie less in an examination of her character or even the nature of your relationship and more in exploring what exactly you get from her now and what you might hope to get from her in the future.

67 comments:

  1. Then stop act like a hypocrite. Stop emotionally hurting her!


    "I feel very protective over her and if anyone (I'm an exception to this, hypocritically) hurts her then I will lose it."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not that easy...

      Delete
    2. True. But lots of things aren't easy, and can be done. Trust is very hard for me because I am damaged. I want to trust again.


      I have been working on myself for a long time. Sometimes I make mistakes and trust the wrong people. I would rather do that, then never trust again.

      That is just me...

      Delete
    3. I don't know, I have similar relationships with friends and family. I guess it depends on what you mean by hurting her. If you are doing it for the sake of hurting her then, yah, its a problem. If you do so because you are living as best you see fit and she pisses you off, as a sibling would, etc, then I would suggest you be careful and try not to loose your temper or do any permanent damage, but, that's a part of life.

      Clearly there are unhealthy levels of this but even in great relationships people piss each other off and say hurtful things or do hurtful things. It all depends on whether you are being malicious or not, and whether there is a balance. Just remember that if she is feeling then she will be damaged more easily than you. So be nice, if only for the sake that if you damage her then she can become worthless to you.

      I will specify that even if she becomes someone you no longer desire that doesn't make her worthless. Long term speaking, people can be great investments as friends that will always have your back, or enemies that can and will interfere with your future plans and actions. Its best to keep friends, if not for the sake of the person then because burning bridges means one less path that will be available in the future.

      Delete
    4. Seems a little bit stupid if you don't even like her. Just leave her alone.

      Delete
  2. I feel very protective over her and if anyone (I'm an exception to this, hypocritically) hurts her then I will lose it.

    I relate to this very well. I am very protective of what's mine.

    I am emotionally self sufficient. I am good at protecting my own interests, and as a result, nobody ever thinks that I need to be nurtured or cared for. On the contrary, I fulfil that role in the lives of many others. Sometimes, I secretly wish that someone would adopt a protective attitude towards me. Yet paradoxically, I tend to reject such overtures, because my desire to be strong outweighs my desire to be vulnerable or intimate.

    I am disgusted by any hint of emotional neediness within myself, and I will move quickly to squash any vulnerability that should have the misfortune of rearing its ugly head.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Alterego, how come "emotional neediness" ok for a sociopath and not ok for you ?

      ANd would you please explain what you mean by emotional neediness as you define it for yourself?

      Delete
    2. I don't think sociopaths have emotional neediness since they have no emotions.

      Delete
    3. i know, i put in quotes. I mean the equivalent, which, to me are desires and urges needing to be sated.

      Delete
    4. @Alterego
      That is why you bother me.

      Delete
    5. i would like to point out that just because you are a sociopath doesn't mean you are an emotionless void, it just means you lack the understanding of the emotions you have. i am a sociopath and have worked most of my life in "copying" how the world views and expresses emotions. though they are faked, they are are still used like everyone in the world uses them.

      sorry, it just bothers me when people say we are emotionless. Its an incorrect statement.

      Delete
  3. Over the past year or so, I've noticed that I've gradually become more of a "people person" - more so than I've ever been, looking back. It's even made settling into a career path a hell of a lot easier too. It's funny, because I tried giving a friend and a relative a rather straightforward explanation of which direction I wanted to gear my worklife toward by telling them that I've always had a thing for "acting", but only now has it made much more sense; now it seems much more clear how I can fulfill this compulsion to "act" without actually ever becoming an actor per se.

    Unsurprisingly, they didn't get the acting part. Both of their respective reactions sounded almost identical: "Well, I guess then that narrows it down to moving to Hollywood or...I don't know, I don't know what else to tell you, I don't know what else you can do if you want to act." Typical. I wonder what they think politicians do for a living, but I digress.

    And although things finally seem to be 'making sense', in a way, I'm still left a bit unsettled by this people person thing that has flourished into being an everyday part of me. In fact, I wonder quite often if I'm actually rising higher so as to sink deeper into the pool of hot-water that I seem to be eyeing. I put it this way because almost all of my socializing has a seriously anti-social element to it. I have no interest in relating to people. None. I take notes as a way to better prepare for my next part, the next person or group I will interact with. See, I'm interested solely in acting a part, in pushing buttons, in seeing how much I can get away with, in learning just how much power my words and gestures have over others, in going out there and getting what I want through subterfuge - and if I can get paid to act this role, I will, indeed, be a happy man, but the real prize lies in achieving that while also winning the hearts of 'my audience'.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So, are you looking for something more ad-lib, kind of an on your feet sort of gig? Or, do you think you would prefer to step out of a mold that someone else has cast? I think these can be two rather different things!

      For me, the act of engaging people comes naturally, but I find the contrivances of a script absolutely impossible to follow. Perhaps if I met the writer, learned from them what they wanted the character to be, it would be easier. Of course, it has been a long time since I have tried to act in a way described by, but not desired by, another. Perhaps I give myself too little credit?

      Delete
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    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is not a fault of the blog. It's related to the fact that internet explorer is worthless.

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      Delete
  6. I have to tell you guys something and ask you something. I have not talked to my mother in a month or so. She tried to gaslight me and I told my father to call me when she died. I told them I blocked them on my phone even though the block didn't work. They thought it did.

    They tried to engage family members but no one bought into it. Even the person who usually betrays me with them got a good taste of her, himself, in the interim so wouldn't betray me lol

    Well, this is my question. My father has been sending me notes like he loves me etc. I think he is the grave digger who pulls the bodies back to her after she desecrates them. He is the "nice" one. He is the kind one.

    This brings me to my question. I feel that he is trying to bring me back so she won't give it to him. I don't feel he loves me because he never would stand up when people hurt me. I think he wants me back because if she has no one to hurt, she hurts him and if she feels badly about herself, she hurts him. I feel his love is a ruse so he can get her off his back.

    What do you think? Thank you for any responses, in advance.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Seek some threapy MonicaMay 11, 2013 at 6:41 AM

      You are so sick and dramatic. Learn to reduce the variability in your emotions, act a bit rational and say calm and composed things. 'Call me when she dies,' is a cheesy novel statement. It sounds like they could easily call in and have you locked up if they wanted to. You'd play your part of 'confused soul in need of significant therapy' so well.

      Now.. Go ahead and fight with this anon, because you never see your own truth.

      The man says he loves you that means he loves you, that does not mean he'll dump his crazy wife for his crazy daughter. I started to feel really sorry for the guy, caught between you two bitches.

      Delete
    2. @ Seek some therapy, Monica

      I want to add something to it and see if you change your opinion. I was being abused by a guy and my father met with the guy behind my back, went out to eat with him etc.

      I asked my father why he never protected me and he said, No one ever protected me( meaning him)"

      Delete
    3. Lock away your heart,
      and throw away the key.
      Your mind will be at ease,
      your pain will float away.

      And if you hear it beat,
      from in the little box.
      Dig up a little earth,
      and bury it so deep.

      Let it rot, let it rot.
      Rot away, rot away.
      Safe from pain, free from shame,
      It all rots away.

      Without a heart you're free,
      safe from misery!
      Who would choose this pain,
      what is there to gain?

      From feeling, hurting,
      drain it all away.
      Deep into the pit,
      with your heart it will decay.

      Locked away, locked away,
      rot away, rot away

      Delete
    4. Do you have any close friends that have a grasp of the situation and can give you their advice? If so I think they are the ones you should be asking.

      First off I don't know what she did to you or what you relationship is with your family. However, personally, I would take this as a game. I would play along, play things out, and see what happens. If you feel like your father actually cares about you then figure out how to have him in your life and keep your mother out.

      However, I don't think games normally work as well for empaths, especially in an abusive situation. So, that being said if you think you should stay away then stay the hell away. If you need to talk it out then get a therapist.

      This is a serious matter, which is why I don't think you should be asking people on the internet (who don't know anything about the situation) what they think. But listen to your gut, not your emotions. If you think they mean you harm then it sucks that they are your family but walk away, and keep on walking.

      Delete
    5. Thanks Anon 10:46
      The problem with asking people, especially Christians, is that they feel everything should be "forgiven". Yes, it should be forgiven, in your own soul, but restoration is not always possible if you will get bitten by a poisonous snake.

      My gut tells me that they want to hurt me if I will call truth out about who they are, not just her. They are a team. When I was meditating today, I got that they are a team and he is a team player for the goal of keeping on her mask. I will be thrown under the bus to keep her mask on. I will be crazy( with no hope of sanity) if I try to keep her mask on, so I have no choice but to avoid. Thank you, Anon xxx

      Delete
    6. @Seek some therapy, Monica 6:41 AM
      "I started to feel really sorry for the guy, caught between you two bitches."

      Hmmmm. Could it be they are bitches because they are starving for some answers from the bastard? Could it be HE is a psychopath who has enjoyed and orchestrated most of this drama?

      Delete
    7. Forgiveness is one of christianity's most manipulative power instruments. I like it how you distance yourself from other Christians at this point.

      Delete
  7. Hi Monica. I think you answered your own question. You know what's going on there.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Thank you Lyra
    When I want to know something. I pray and ask God to show me. When you are doing what He wants you get peace. I have peace but I can't take in how little I was loved and valued. It feels like a lion wants to eat me and I can't accept it is true. Do you know what I mean?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's strange that God has not told you to "stop" looking in the rear view mirror and move on with "peace" an excitement for your future. Evidently, you're selective to his advice. If this is the case, you pay the price.

      Delete
    2. He did tell me that, Anon.

      Delete
  9. Seek some threapy MonicaMay 11, 2013 at 6:41 AM
    You are so sick and dramatic. Learn to reduce the variability in your emotions, act a bit rational and say calm and composed things. 'Call me when she dies,' is a cheesy novel statement. It sounds like they could easily call in and have you locked up if they wanted to. You'd play your part of 'confused soul in need of significant therapy' so well.

    Now.. Go ahead and fight with this anon, because you never see your own truth.

    The man says he loves you that means he loves you, that does not mean he'll dump his crazy wife for his crazy daughter. I started to feel really sorry for the guy, caught between you two bitches.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. LOL Thanks for your input, Anon.

      Delete
    2. I bet your mother is dramatic and you picked up some of these traits. My mother bullies me sometimes but I don't respond the same as I used to....with drama and anger. I don't tell her personal things anymore either. She would pile them up and use them as amo when she felt like it. She knows very little about me these days.

      Tomorrow is Mother's Day. I will do the right thing and give her flowers and then leave:)

      Delete
  10. ME are you Anita Sarkeesian ?

    ReplyDelete
  11. "She interests me. She is different. She is the only person who I can't easily read... I feel very protective over her..." Ha ha ha! Yeah, that's pretty much my last on/off relationship. It lasted about seven years or so ("or so", not sure he's done yet, and sadistically, I like that.) Taking into account the sporadic intervals of absence, of course.

    @Alterego, Do you not feel this--disgust with others' "neediness"? (I do.) Why only your own?

    ReplyDelete
  12. People leave you when they dont get their needs met. You have to give.

    If you cannot ask for what you want from someone, then you are not giving.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nobody has to do nothing. if you want to give something to somebody, give. if you don't, don't. Whether people leave you or not is not in your hands.

      Delete
    2. i understand thgis.. I guess i have a question about relationships where the person who wants or needs something does not ask , and therefore seems like they do not care. In my experience, they leave. Maybe they can tell i am somewhere far away, or maybe i seem non commital, or maybe i am too much in their heads. But I perceive that if they feel they are not needed, they are not doing anything for me, and they think they do not matter. Is that because of my choices?

      It seems that when i ask for something, they are pleased and feel good and useful, and "loved" by my appreciation. They see me smile and they want to love on me.

      If a person does not ask for something they do not need anything, and therefore the partner is left to feel useless.

      Both my parents do not accept gifts with happiness. They do not ask, and when you give to them, they do not seem to think anything. TRhey make a person feel like the gift or sentiment is not valuable, therefore they devalue the giver.

      Delete
    3. I have just learned that by asking , i am giving. does that make sense? i always appreciate gestures but i did not ask before. It is new to me.

      Delete
    4. wow, this gets interesting. you suppose somebody will leave because the person doesn't get asked enough so he or she feels useless? good that you ask these questions about relationships, choices and things so i and maybe others can feel quite useful and stay around. what if i just steel the feeling of being asked and don't answer the question?

      Delete
    5. not referring to your ilk, Claudine.

      Delete
  13. Interesting post! Is seeking out a lesser twin common amongst sociopaths? Have you ever thought that you are subconsciously seeking out a more vulnerable version of yourself? The reason why you are so protective of this person is that she is an extension of you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He stated that he did not like her per se and doesn't even know the reason for the connection. Give me a break.........

      He wants a puppet !

      Delete
    2. what do you mean by "puppet" 1144 ? It's the same as pet? Politically, its a person who speaks for you, a person who takes orders and vouches, supports and continues to tell the masses you are a genius and people should follow.

      Is a puppet like a person in a cult, the sociopath being the leader?

      Here , puppet is the reverse . Here, there is a duality. I understand that entertainment is fiction and all, but does the sociopath take a histrionic and puppet them, or do a histrionic take a sociopath and puppet sociopath?

      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Spitting_Image

      Delete
    3. This comment has been removed by the author.

      Delete
    4. Or does the sociopath underestimate the "puppet" as being their puppet...and does that sociopaths play-toy rear up after laying dormant, and show what Real intelligence can really do? The non-strategist, strategist always wins. There is no strategy but there is the strategy of non-strategy. A new kind of total crazy, that drives the crazy... nuts.

      The kind you love to hate. The kind you wish you were. The kind that loved and hatted you in the end. It strokes your ego to say...that a blinded by emotion or were they blinded by the potential of beauty that you could not see in your self? And the latter is what attracts you...that they (the puppet) sees your ultimate potential and you can not?

      I DON'T have to take a flimsy IQ test to know I'm smarter and Wiser (which is better than regurgitating the lies they tell you and 10 cent words, used to pollute conversation with mental masturbation) than the whole.

      I've slept through 102 honors English, passed it with an A...and Changed the mind of a true literary Genus in the class's Opinion while having not read the story and in a half daze of snoring through their discussion. Now that is a testament to intelligence. no?

      I have kept the gaze of several sociopaths for that very reason. I evade their cool intellect and keep the top spinning...although their ego's say it is for them that I spin...that I'm in it for the attention because in reality ...they impose their own pathologies onto me...because they believe me to be the good side of them...so it must be for the attention that they crave...that I live for.

      Well that is a lie. I know them now, as I've known them throughout the myriad of past lives I have lived. And everytime fooled by the stars I've seen in them...and betrayed by this cursed sight....to be disappointed by the de-evolution of their lives.

      If I could make my self invisible. I would. The chatter box sociopath keeps talk ...talk ...talking about me. Saying that she cares. I once a long time ago felt emotions from her.

      Why do you seek me out? In every life. I will tell you all why the sociopath seeks out people like me.

      Because I invoke the emotions you sought so desperately to destroy. Life times of selling your soul, to not feel anything, because you are scared in the end of the pains of life. Waiting for me to heal you or kill you. I will never oblige either. And because I do two other things for you, the soulless, I make you feel ALIVE, and because I see in you that which you do not see in you. The potential of the white light you sell out in every way. That is the real reason. So let's just get real. Cause you are so far from reality, even your shit smells like the flowers to you.

      Last point, one time...on my first mental ward visit...I met a beautiful woman with the most beautiful blue eyes I had ever seen. She was a really bad heroin addict ...so bad that her tracks became scars and her veins had collapsed. One day I asked what her scars were...being a sheltered girl...I had no idea of the evils yet to come...anyways....so I touched her track marks....and she looked shocked as I ran my finger up the scar....she had felt a pulse and had informed me that she had thought that vein was Dead....that's what I do to you...you are the track mark....and the emotions are the collapsed vein....and while you throw your self around your pathetic life and say poor me...Look at me constantly ...I come over and prove that for all of your supposed power....you are a WEAK human....a dysfunctional prototype ....of an UN-EVOLVED Neanderthal ...who acts like a king or queen.....king nothing...more like it.

      And everytime...I make you feel.....and feel the pulse you tried to kill....and you long for the freedom....that I can not give to you...only you can save your self...and at this point...why should I bother with you...cause in real life....I want nothing to do with any of you.

      Delete
    5. "There is no strategy but there is the strategy of non-strategy. A new kind of total crazy, that drives the crazy... nuts."


      . . .I'll say

      Delete
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  15. michael martin plunkettMay 11, 2013 at 3:36 PM

    first of all let me start by saying i have the reflux disease

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I used to have acid reflux and I got rid of it naturally. I will tell you, if you want to know how.

      Delete
    2. michael martin plunkettMay 11, 2013 at 5:03 PM

      so tell me

      Delete
    3. Well, short term--DGL tablets can be sucked on--I like Planetary Formulations DGL( deglycerizzed licorice)
      These coat your stomach

      Long term--raw food and smaller meals
      Don't eat when stressed
      Take supplements so you are not constipated

      Mainly--raw food because the enzymes are alive, not dead from cooking


      Yoga helps with yoga breathing--dog pant breath. It strengthens the valve which gets weakened in acid reflux and is relaxing too

      Work up the breath as much as you can. i can do about 25 minutes

      Delete
    4. I kind of have a thing about factual inaccuracies when it comes to scientific terms.

      Raw food may or may not be good for you, but it has nothing to do with whether enzymes are alive or dead. The stomach is a highly acidic environment, which is sufficient to kill nearly any enzyme you could possibly eat.

      Furthermore, when the things you eat are absorbed in the small intestine, they come in contact with proteins produced by the pancreas which break down any and all enzymes you could possibly eat.

      Oral supplements with 'active enzymes' in them have no benefit whatsoever. All those enzymes are killed by your body during digestion. Cooking food, however, does destroy some things such as vitamin C, but not all of it.

      Here's an article with a few facts on the matter.

      http://www.scientificamerican.com/article.cfm?id=raw-veggies-are-healthier

      Again, I'm not saying you shouldn't eat raw foods, I only want you to be informed about what cooking or not cooking food actually does to it.

      Delete
    5. EVERYTHING in moderation. Even raw vegetables.

      Delete
    6. Plunkett
      If you're not overeating (especially before bed) to cause acid reflux, you may be allergic to gluten.

      Delete
  16. "I want to know what your take on sociopathic connection and attachment to other people is."

    Maybe its love. Just because you can't feel it doesn't mean its not there. If a deaf dude goes to a rock concert and doesn't hear anything, does that mean there is no sound? Love isn't just a feeling- its a force

    I think there is something unique and even precious about connecting with that one special person. Why not- there's 7 billion other people to fuck with, why not have one or two that you honor and not hurt so much. Even let in and trust.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But once the puzzle is put together, once it's solved, does it remain interesting? Can it?

      A puzzle that changes as you shift the pieces, though, a puzzle that evolves before your very eyes, THAT would be a fun one. I have family, everyone has family. I don't think I'll let them in, though, that would be malicious! They are certainly happier not knowing.

      I never bought into the idea that there is one person out there for everyone, like we are all born for someone, the one that is born for us. No, more like stars flung past each other, drawn by gravity into an imperfect orbit, where the tug of another bigger, brighter star might always pull a partner away.

      Delete
  17. I just farted. Is that helpful?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We always knew you spoke from your ass. Now you confirmed it.

      Delete
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  19. This post describes exactly what I just went through. I met this guy who's substantially older than me at a party. We hit it off, and even though I had other guys chasing me, he was my favorite because he was interesting. I like to play dumb around guys, but I'm decently smart, I scored better than 97% of the nation on my ACT even though I had a 2.0 GPA in high school. We played games with each other for a while, but then I fell for him. I didn't want to hurt him, even though I knew I could. I tried to call a truce, but he doesn't trust me enough for that, so I just moved on.

    Dear Readers, I hate to break it to you but there is no such thing as a "Sociopath". My final paper for my evolution class was about how ALL humans are selfish manipulative bastards trying to do whatever it takes to survive. The "dark triad" is the three most desirable traits in a male, but the traits are also reminiscent of sociopathy. Females are expected to be extremely empathetic, which makes sense (there is a correlation between being selfless and the amount of surviving children a woman has). They balance each other out (provider/nurturer). With the dissolution of patriarchy, males are becoming effeminate and women more masculine, making the outliers look like master manipulators. They're not, they just haven't conformed to the brainwashed masses yet.

    Who comes up with these terms? Histrionic personality disorder? That sounds like an extremely feminine person. Antisocial Personality Disorder? No, that's describing someone who's masculine. Obviously, the more intelligent one is, the better you can play games. That doesn't make you special, we're all part of the rat race.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. troll harder

      Delete
    2. not ev you say ids off, but thee certainly are truth to sociopath. they kill animals when they are young.. isn't that enough of a sign they exist?

      Histrionics exist. My mom is one, and i've dipped a toe in . Its a fucked up mask and you want to rip it the fuck off. There's nothing feminine about it, save for the constant "do i look ok?" comments

      Delete
  20. My armchair diagnosis? Borderline Personality disorder. She is lying if her lips are moving, she fantasizes about what is wrong with her.... Anything for attention. A sociopath has no ability to feel for another, clearly she does.

    ReplyDelete
  21. No wonder most sociopaths* (or ppl with personality disorders , cuz I highly doubt ur all sociopaths) deal with sucidal tendencies

    ReplyDelete
  22. I used to be almost emotionless, very robot-like also a little bit too sociopathic for people's tastes but after ingesting OPIOIDS I can achieve "empathy" for a few hours.

    It's always a mind-blowing experience! For some reason I start to really care about the wellbeing of people outside of my social circle.

    When they wear off it's back to "Reopen Auschwitz FOR SCIENCE!!!"

    ReplyDelete

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