Sociopaths and sex

A reader wrote asking about sex with sociopaths:

I have a question about sociopaths and sex? Do sociopaths feel emotions when you have sex? I mean obviously you feel the physical part but to what extent if any, do you feel emotionally? My ex, who I am certain is a sociopath, didn't ever make love. I mean it was what it was and I didn't realize it until right before I dumped him. We had that one last romp and I realized it. He acted like he was making love and the sex was great but when I asked him the next day out of curiosty if he left anything, he said it was great. I chuckled and said, "Sex for you is a function like using the toilet, eating, showering or sleeping." He looked at me like "why was I bringing up the obvious" and it hit me. I think for him sex was a way to conquer and exude power and that the chase of luring a hot chick in was more exciting than the act itself. He tried to use sex for manipulation. I have heard of women doing that but never a man.

For someone like me, a normal (whatever the fuck normal is) I can just fuck, but when in love sex is emotional for me and I can't just go fuck all of the time. I am very passionate and I'll leave it at that but I noticed that they were really good at one thing but not so much all of it -- they were either good at oral or good at fucking but not really both. And I am not saying all sociopaths are like this. I hate putting even sociopaths into one category. One thing that sticks out that he was NEVER vocal, not even during climax. Not all men are, but both socios I've been with were that way. They were also VERY concerned about pleasing me which sometimes got to be old. I thought it was insecurity at the time but maybe it was trying to learn how fake emotions. He would say, "does that feel good?" too often. Uh yeah shut up, can't you tell???

He loved the way I can orgasm and that's probably the attraction between socios and others; the energy.

I guess, hell I don't know. I guess that's what I'm trying to figure out.In no way am I bashing sociopaths but I really wonder if most of you feel emotions during sex or about sex. I'd love some feedback on the subject if possible. Your site is great and I learned a lot. Thanks.

It's an interesting question, and I imagine that although there are commonalities, a lot of the sexual experience will depend on the individual sociopath. For instance, here is how a socio reader described sex:

Pain is integral to my sexual experience. When with my ex, there was never any violent sexual encounters. She wouldn't have fought me, and that's part of my pleasure, so with her it would have been pointless. I need unwanted pain or domination in any sexual encounter I have. With men, and women, there has to be some sort of pain or humiliation in order for me to be interested, or to get off. Sex with men can be boring. I control it more than half the time, and they get emotional and lovey dovey somewhere in it. If I am with a freak, the challenge to dominate him is what gets me off, not the actual act. I have gone after freaks, but in the end they get boring. With women, to dominate them is easy, they seem to want it. Even the head strung females I go after turn into droids of mushy nothingness.

When I state I am never there, that means mentally, and emotionally, and sometimes physically, figuratively speaking. I can do what I need to to seem like I am interested, but when the act happens, if normal sex, I am a programmed robot doing the same routine with different people. I would touch human skin, but feel no warmth, I would kiss lips, but feel no softness, I would smell them, but only pick up the scent of air and dirt. My experience with people in regular sex is as if I am alone. I don't connect at all. I see them either above or below me, and think about what they could possibly be feeling, and why. I get nothing from connecting with a human, so what does everyone else get?

I often have this reoccurring fantasy that I have met my sexually violent match, and that we were roughing it to the point where I "lost" the control. I was the one being dominated, and it gets out of hand. I turn the violent sex into a fight for my life, testing my lover to anger and fury to where they would want to hurt me. I would then use this imagined victimization as an excuse to get unorthodox-ed, and do anything in my power to protect myself, including kill. In this fantasy I never use guns, or anything quick. It's always blunt force, where I have to use almost all of my strength to destroy them. Never a knife, always something blunt. In the end I kill my lover, and use the violent sex as an excuse to get away with a planned murder, play Lizzy Borden, and hope my femininity gets me out free. Never went through with this because I doubt the escape would be that easy, heh, hence fantasy. That's one serious impulse I always fight to keep under control, to set up my victimization to kill. Though I would love to experience that high, it isn't worth taking the chance at losing my freedom.

To answer the original question, emotions aren't a strong part of it for me. When I am being intimate with someone, I have a running monologue in my mind of what's going on and my reactions to it, as if I am merely observing the festivities rather than being a very active participant. I rarely get "lost" in the experience, except at the actual point of climax. But again, I've never had normal sex, so I wouldn't know how and to what extent it differs. Does this seem to comport with everyone else's experiences?