I guess my sister is like that constant fix that I need. She knows my faults, and doesn't judge me for it. She doesn't know everything, but with what she knows, she still cares. Even when I make her feel bad, she sticks by me. It's strange. It's like I want to push her to the edge to see how far I can take it, to see if she will leave me. I know she won't, which is why I keep on pushing. She even has enough courage at times to put me in my place when I'm being too much of an ass, and I cherish that. This love is like an obsession, a selfish engulfing obsession. Once I realize that I have a form of feeling to love I get controlling, and don't ever want to let go. I get smothering, I get frightening. I, in a way, give myself the title of master, she becomes my pet. I take care of her, but punish her if she makes me upset. I give her whatever she wants, knowing down the line, when I want something from her, she better give it. It's oddly never violent, I have never hit her. She has my respect for putting up with my shit, and staying. It's not a warm love. It's not a pleasant love, it's not a kind love. It's a soul and mind consuming love. It's a parasite, and it feeds on her kindness and love for me until she can no longer play host. Haven't gotten to that point yet...
I can say that I love my sister. Though I use her, manipulate her, and used to treat her horribly when we were younger, I do love her. It's controlling, and very selfish, empty in feeling, and always has to work out in my favor, but I do love her. I don't ever get the "warm" and "tingly" feeling around her, but there is a joy that I experience, almost the same joy I experience when I am hurting someone.
Through writing this, I realized my behavior acts out when I am not near her. Now that I am closer to her my impulses have calmed. I'm going to see my sister next coming weekend. I do miss being around her. It's nice to not have to act around someone, to let parts of my walls down. Looking forward to seeing her, and her waste of skin, air, and space husband XD.
Saturday, October 2, 2010
Sociopath for a sister
A reader asked about yesterday's "creepy attachment to family" criteria for sociopaths. Here is a good description of what I'm talking about, from a sociopathic reader about her sister: