Monday, October 11, 2010

Another (female) sociopath story

I like these stories from readers because I think they round out the picture of what a successful sociopath looks like. Plus they suggest, as some have alleged, that if m.e. and everyone else here like me aren't sociopaths, we do at least seem to be part of a discrete and identifiable subclass of something that is unusual enough amongst the general population to cause consternation in some and hatred in others. From a reader:
I happened along your blog by chance, I was actually searching for something completely mundane when I found it. (I can't remember what now) I didn't send you this email to confirm weather or not I am a sociopath. In fact, these labels mean nothing to me. I know what I am capable of. I know this is who I am and is an integral facet of my personality. However, this is only a single facet of my personality; it does not equal the whole of me.
Early in your blog you expressed a want to reach out to others like you; so this is me saying hi. Well I suppose I should start off by saying this; I'm a female and I can't say if I am a sociopath or not since I have never officially been diagnosed by a psychologist and I don't think my college psy1 professor counts even if she was a doctor. (she was always giving me the look) If I'm not then perhaps I'm simply an extremely cold bitch with a little bit of evil thrown in for a little extra spice.
Are sociopaths made? My childhood was spent in a middle to upper class neighborhood and my parents divorced when I was very young. I was a delinquent child but was rarely caught. My mother has socio/psychopathic tendencies. You see I never had to go out of my way to kill or torture the neighborhood animals because my mother would have me help her kill them. Her most casual method was by antifreeze; but generally she would put them in a plastic bag and shove them in the freezer while they were still alive. I was always the assistant in these small murders. Usually this is where people go, "Oh my god!" and blame her for my behavior. Looking back, I don't blame her. I think blaming her would be like blaming the parent for a gay child. Shit just happens.
In my early teens I was the odd girl out. It wasn't until I realized that certain behavior was unacceptable that I massed friends. When I 'came out of my shell', I was quite popular. This period is when I discovered I was a compulsive liar. Usually I lied for more attention or to get free stuff. I learned to manipulate everyone around me to my advantage. I even orchestrated the break up of a couple of relationships.
As a young adult I've come to a greater understanding of my powers of manipulation. College was easy because I could write most of my quirks off as 'too much partying'. During this time I also found myself to be completely lacking in grief. I don't know how to feel morose but have learned to mimic well enough. I only feel remorse if I fail at something, but not because I did something wrong. I usually know the difference between right and wrong and simply disregard the concept of wrong if it suits my purposes. This doesn't mean that I don't have bout's of altruism or go out of my way to completely ruin someones life. I only exert the effort to ruin if it will benefit me, as I am the only one that matters.
As an adult, I still find occasionally find myself on a learning curve. There are still new behaviors to learn. It doesn't happen often but I still get the 'your not right' look sometimes. This usually means that I missed something that should have been easily picked up on. In generally I keep a lose set of friends around that I have been known to drop on a whim. I don't usually keep them around if I don't need them. That said, I do have a couple of fellow socio/psychopath friends thatI remain close with. We seem to understand each other I suppose.
Murder is a topic that is broached on your blog a bit; the very thought puts a nasty taste in my mouth. Don't miss understand me here. I feel nothing for the death of another. I have my own hangups about cleanliness though. People are gross (blood borne diseases), yuk. That said, unless there is a legitimate life-or-death reason it seems pretty pointless to me. Unless you truly aspire to go to jail and marry Bubba/Bertha. Seriously, I have my 'violent' urges. They happen more frequently than I would like; but I have also learned how to constructively channel those negative energies. Anyone who is stupid enough to give into those baser instincts deserves what they get. Like curling up with Bubba/Bertha on a single cot in lock down.
Once my ex-girlfriend, with a scared look in her eye asked me, "Are you a sociopath?". I looked at her honestly for the first time and told her, "Probably." She at least attempted to understand what it was to be a void. I told her that I do experience joy, anger, lust, disappointment but they are extremely fleeting and only experienced in direct correlation to 'me'. As in MY joy, MY anger etc. I can not actually recall these emotions although I know I have had them. I can't remember what it felt like to feel that joy or sadness, only that it happened. I do know that certain activities or achievements will bring these feelings back to me. However, I do not feel at a loss without them. In fact, I truly do believe I am a 'happy' person.
I am bisexual, however I prefer women. I have been in my longest relationship for about a year and eight months now with a woman who is also 'feelings-deficient'. I don't know if I feel love so much as obsession and devotion. When I am in a relationship I adapt to what they want and expect, while at the same time manipulating and lying to suit my needs. However, much like your business analogy if I'm not getting a return on my investment I leave.
Anyway, thanks for the blog. It's been fun to go back and read the old posts. And it's always interesting to interact with others like myself. It's nice to take off the masks every once in a while and breathe.

29 comments:

  1. Thank you who ever you are! Your email was very insightful and seemed spot-on in regards to the sociopaths I've dealt with.
    "I usually know the difference between right and wrong and simply disregard the concept of wrong if it suits my purposes."
    That sums it up!

    ReplyDelete
  2. "I usually know the difference between right and wrong and simply disregard the concept of wrong if it suits my purposes."

    Makes sense. I know the list of actions which are considered "good" vs "evil" but I don't quite grasp why people cling to these concepts. I mean, that's all they are. All you have are the results, and surely if the results are beneficial to the majority then that makes the action good. So depending on the context, murder is good, right? Well, apparently not. Instead it would become a "necessary evil"....huh?

    On a less philosophical and more personal note, I also just don't get them.

    At the end I've settled on "right are actions which benefit myself, wrong are actions which are detrimental to my well-being. As harming others often results in revenge tactics, and other people recognising that you may harm them too, harming others except in specific circumstances harms me and therefore should also be avoided as wrong", which works in keeping me alive, outside of jail and liked but doesn't seem to match other people's sense of "morality", whatever that means.

    I mean, I get the basic game theory that explains why we have laws but whenever I pointed out in such discussions that morals are just wanting to avoid reprisal apparently I'm "evil".

    Which is how I was first introduced to the terms "sociopath" and "psychopath" and that one or both may very well apply to me. I asked if morality, guilt and remorse are just the result of not wanting punishment and the response I got was "Yes. For sociopaths."

    ReplyDelete
  3. Am i the only one...? Whenever I read the posts here by self declared socios I can't help but wonder if sociopathic attributes are exactly what they would teach all Military leaders and Generals at Westpoint. With the way situations are worked out and justified according to their "objectives" "goals"

    ReplyDelete
  4. How do you work things out? Do you lack goals? Do you not set objectives? How do you get anything done?

    ReplyDelete
  5. Sure I do. But if there was only one "natural" or "true" way of doing those, what the point of having a West Point? no punt intended.

    ReplyDelete
  6. What does going to West Point have to do with decision making? If you want to go to a top military school and be an officer, you go to West Point. If you want to mince around about 10th grade existentialism, go to a liberal arts college.

    If you want to actually make any progress, though, you have to stop formulating such poorly developed thoughts. I don't justify my actions in terms of my goals. Sometimes I set goals, and do things to meet them. Other times I don't, and I just act.

    Sometimes you just have to burn down a children's hospital is all I'm saying, Anon.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Or drop a coupla atom bombs to end the war.. Case in point.. again no punt intended.

    ReplyDelete
  8. according to your standards that would be considered "progress"?

    ReplyDelete
  9. Depends who you're dropping them on, I suppose.

    ReplyDelete
  10. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ever heard of fallout dude?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Sorry.. don't mean to be a badger. But I can't resist my impulsive thought that u guys are closet "Hitlers" who read Anthony Robbins.

    ReplyDelete
  13. My real question is actually this; Is there or should there ever be a collective or "social" limit to how much "weirdness" should be accepted regardless how self-aware or benefitial for the individual.

    Or can any harmful and negative consequences of actions always be justified or denied as exercises in self preservation, expression, entertainment? existence?

    ReplyDelete
  14. Why bother justifying? Do you really need some arbitrary reason to do things? If someone questions you, call them a moron and go on with your business. Explaining yourself does nothing to convince them of your position, and it diverts your attention away from whatever you're doing.

    ReplyDelete
  15. @Mr. Fox

    "At the end I've settled on right are actions which benefit myself, wrong are actions which are detrimental to my well-being. As harming others often results in revenge tactics, and other people recognising that you may harm them too, harming others except in specific circumstances harms me and therefore should also be avoided as wrong, which works in keeping me alive, outside of jail and liked but doesn't seem to match other people's sense of morality, whatever that means."


    Actually this is an accurate representation of ethics. Consequentalist ethics. Ethics are more accurate than morality. Basically you have to respect other people to be respected. You have to respect nature, and the environment to receive respect from it. It does not matter if you are human or non human, man or woman, sociopath or empath, if you don't respect your environment you wont last and this is natural law not "moral" law. Moral law only exists in the hearts of people who believe in it, natural law exists whether you believe in it or not.

    There are reasons to be nice to other people, help other people, these reasons are entirely selfish but it takes a while for an empath to figure out that a lot of what they do is out of the same sense of selfishness that a sociopath does things.

    The only difference is that the empath usually is more considerate of the feelings of others while a sociopath might screw a person over and not feel bad about it. That is really the only difference. In the end all of us have been screwed over by empath and sociopath alike, and the only difference is the empath felt bad about it or maybe said they were sorry about what they had to do. The fact is we all do what we have to do to make it in this environment and if we did not live in an environment where we have to hurt each other to survive, a vast majority of us would not hurt others.

    I don't know of Me is a sociopath himself. I don't know what you are. If you've felt bad about having to hurt someone human or animal then you are not a sociopath. You have different types of empaths, some are rational and some are emotional to the point of being legally insane. To be impetuous is not something to strive for, self control is something to strive for and it does not matter if you are empath or sociopath. Control yourself and you'll better be able to control your environment.

    ReplyDelete
  16. Actually I may be wrong about this but I have a groundbreaking theory that I want everyone on this site to consider.

    An empath is selfish, but their sense of self is different. The empath's self is a social self which includes those who they have given their heart to. Their self interest usually includes their parents, their children, their close friends, and sometimes if they are highly intuitive then it will include others in a similar situation as theirs or in situations they've been in.

    They include these others because they made the calculation that by helping this person in a situation they were once in, is what lead to someone helping them when they were in a situation they could not escape from. So someone helps them and they owe a debt to that someone, so they go and help the next person in the same fashion as a way to pay back the debt, or because they remember when they were in the same situation that an empath came along and helped, whether out of pity, compassion, or whatever. So they learn the value of these emotions in a practical sense.

    A Sociopath is also selfish but in the egoist individualist way. They are only thinking about themselves when they think of "self interest", it's unenlightened, it does not include others. This type of self interest that you can map out in game theory and see the most correct course of action for that singular individual, unlike the empath who cannot be mapped out so easily because they might be doing something to help someone else as well as themselves, complicating the calculation process and breaking down all formulas.

    I could be wrong about this, so if any sociopath wants to explore whether or not their self of self is atomic or singular, as in limited to their physical body itself, then I'd be interested in knowing the results.

    This is my speculation but as I see it all people are selfish and those who truly are altruists typically live a miserable abused life where they get exploited and used by everybody and eventually killed. Then society calls them a martyr who died for a cause, or died for their sins, or whatever. A person has the choice to live and die as a martyr(altruist), or live selfishly.

    ReplyDelete
  17. Don't know if your theory is groundbreaking, but I do agree with all that you have said, especially the first post. Well said.

    I would add that the "calculation" aspect is conscious for the sociopath, not so much for the empath.

    ReplyDelete
  18. Cruelty is cruelty no matter how you put it. Any normal conscious being animal or human would not want a compromised existence or an existence compromised by a deliberate act of cruelty.

    ReplyDelete
  19. Its funny that she thinks she "manipulated" people into breaking up. Even when theyre in bad relationships, people dont break up with others unless they really want to. thats why listening to friends relationship problems is so frustrating because no matter how miserable they are and how often you tell them to end it they wont. so the breakups she created probably would have happened without her help but shes so narcissistic she attributes it to herself.
    FYI self proclaimed sociopaths people are not manipulated, they usually know when they are being used but choose to blind themselves for their own sad reasons: masochism, low self esteem, need for attention and drama. They say they were "manipulated" to escape responsibility.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Cruelty is cruelty no matter how you put it. Any normal conscious being animal or human would not want a compromised existence or an existence compromised by a deliberate act of cruelty.

    Good point. This, however, becomes problematic when people start moralizing such terms, and all objectivity is lost.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Of course, how could aversion to cruelty be universal when the audience in the colosseum are so enthralled watching gladiators gut each other.The games must continue!!

    ReplyDelete
  22. i think in game theory parlance that sociopaths are the defectors in the iterative prisoners dilemma that is social interaction - the minority portion in the nash equilibrium. evolution has made people have feelings to direct them towards behaviour that is evolutionarily fit. i do not like foods full of energy such as chocolate because they are sweet, they are sweet *because* they are full of energy. empaths process these evolved drives as feelings in their unconscious, whereas sociopaths process them (i think) more in the conscious part of the brain - which is why a socio will talk about making a conscious decision based on a cost:benefit ratio and an empath will simply 'feel' what the 'right' decision is.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Ooh, I like this one. He's a bit more clever than the usual drifters.

    ReplyDelete
  24. Of course, how could aversion to cruelty be universal when the audience in the colosseum are so enthralled watching gladiators gut each other.The games must continue!!

    In fact the games have continued.

    Only once individual states finally cease moralizing legal policy, can issues such as human rights violations be adequately dealt with on a global scale. How else can states heavily influenced by opposing religions/moral doctrines reach any viable form of compromise?

    ReplyDelete
  25. i have one cerebral point to add.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Daima güncel
    Hd Film izle , Full HD film izle ,
    Tek Part Film izle , Türkçe Dublaj Film izle ,
    Belgesel izle , 3d film izle ve benzeri katagorilerde
    film izleyebileceğiniz en iyi adrestesiniz.En iyi yerli filmlerin hd kalitede bulabileceğiniz ve türkçe dublaj film izleyerek keyifli zaman geçirebileceğiniz bir film sitesi üzerinde çalıştığımızı ve sizler için en iyi aksiyon filmleri izleyebileceğiniz güzel bir site yapmaya çalıştığımızı belirtmek isterim. Kaliteli animasyon filmleri izleyebileceğiniz ve en önemlisi tek part film izleyebileceğiniz bir sistem kurmanın gururunu yaşadığımızın bilincindeyiz. Keyifli zamanlar geçirmeniz dileğiyle.

    ReplyDelete

Comments on posts over 14 days are SPAM filtered and may not show up right away or at all.

Join Amazon Prime - Watch Over 40,000 Movies

.

Comments are unmoderated. Blog owner is not responsible for third party content. By leaving comments on the blog, commenters give license to the blog owner to reprint attributed comments in any form.