Saturday, April 5, 2014

The Wolf of Your Street

Andy Jones writes for Men's Health UK about how I (sort of) mentored him to (sort of) success. The article is pretty entertaining. One of my favorite stories:

Olga, our cleaner, has to go. My partner Jennifer adores her, even though her work is sloppy. Also I'm paying 40 a week for someone to break stuff and push a vacuum around. Empathetic Me would have given he a warning; then -- if I had to -- the 'it's not you it's me' talk and sent her off with a tip. Weak. 

Sociopaths don't just take what they want, says Thomas. They take more. "Say a friend is selling a car for 5000 and another is looking to buy one for 10,000. Most people would simply put the two in touch. Not me. I would buy form the first friend, sell it to the second and double my money." Emboldened by Thomas's ruthlessly simple rationale, I corner Olga on Monday, cleaning day

"We're done here. No more cleaning." 

"Ok, I see you next week." 

"No, I no longer need a cleaner." 

"But Jennifer..." she starts. "No, I am saying I don't need a cleaner."

Now for the profit: I like to Jen that I have booked the cleaner for the next week then do a deliberately half-arsed job of cleaning the house myself. Jen notices the house is still a tip. "You know what, you're right -- we need to let Olga go." I offer to do the firing -- covering my tracks while looking both decisive and strong -- and pocket the 40. Later on, conscience racked, I pay for dinner. This kind of stuff doesn't come naturally. Deep down, I'm a nice guy. On a night out both the drinks and the jokes are on me. I'm ambitious but cautious and often think what I could achieve with sharper elbows.

I really enjoy hearing about empaths trying out sociopathic traits, although I wouldn't have bothered cleaning the flat, even half-arsed, I would have just told Jennifer that she decided to move back to Estonia (but I guess he did get some money out of it?). It's funny that many of them see it as something to aspire to, as if they could accomplish many more of their dreams if they just toughened up a bit. But frequently as they start toughening up, they start realizing that accomplishing the dream is not actually the most important thing to them. And I think that's good for them. Good for them to realize that there are other things they would rather have than that particular brass ring, so they can stop pining for it and feeling miserable when they don't get it. Because it is not all that sociopathic to be envious (except for the mythological covetous sociopath, whom I sort of suspect is just a malignant narcissist?).

But don't stop at that realization, I say. Explore the experience for what exactly it is that you really do want above all else. For instance, later in the article he describes being sociopathic in his relationship:

In the bedroom, I've been persistent in my campaign against Jen's negligence with negligees. It's working. "I like this power game," Jen purrs, as she tries the lacy ensemble I've picked. But I don't enjoy manipulating her. Being a sociopath is fine in emails. Face to face, it's a very different matter.

Not to read too much into what is mainly just an entertaining piece, but it's interesting that he says he doesn't enjoy manipulating her. And I'm sure he doesn't. But why? Is it because he thinks she doesn't like being manipulated? Because it seems like she does, at least in this seductive way (everyone wants to be seduced). The problem seems to be more that manipulation doesn't suit his "nice guy" vision he has for himself, even if that is exactly what his partner desires from him apparently. If so, this example sort of supports my theory that one reason that sociopaths are such charming chameleons is because they have a weak sense of self, i.e. that they don't allow their own need for personal integrity and identity to interfere with their desire to please another.

Also, apropos of nothing, but have I noticed before that "pathetic" is in "empathetic"? There must be some interesting shared root analysis there.

33 comments:

  1. Empathetic and apathetic share the same "pathetic" root back to "pathos", meaning "suffering" or "experience" (thanks Internet). In effect:
    Em-pathetic: emotional experience
    A-pathetic: disinterested or disengaged from an experience

    One could even point out that psychopathic and sociopathic also share the "pathos" root, but take on the "suffering" part of the origin:
    Socio-path: one who suffers from a social disorder (most commonly termed antisocial disorder)
    Psycho-path: one who suffers from a psychological disorder

    It works from both perspectives, I guess: one might argue that empathy is a state from suffering from "too many" emotions.

    -KB

    ReplyDelete
  2. How wicked and mean that some of my postings have been
    omitted! I NEVER employ obscenity! My views often come off as
    obscene, because they are the TRUTH. There may be various
    motives for deleting the things I write, such as editing or
    perceived irrevelevacy of the topics I write about.
    I go by the "3 sucessive posting rule." If my posts are omitted for
    3 suscessive days in a role, I must assume that I have been
    singled out and am now unwelcome here. This is no great blow,
    as it is the story of my life. If my suspicions are correct, I'll simply
    post elsewhere, this time however, with the goal of destroying
    BOTH sociopaths AND Mormans. You have been warned.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Paranoiac? This site never omits posts.

      Delete
    2. I didn't know paranoiac was a word until I looked it up. You learn something new every day! Smile!

      MelissaR

      Delete
    3. calm down cowboy. :-) m.e. would never delete your posts. believe me, she's unbiased and open, and we all have something to bring to the table.

      lol, i gotta look up that word too melissa.

      Delete
  3. Hey theres nothing to feel bad about 'manipulating' people. If they are manipulated, its a joint effort. Like you can't make someone do something they don't already want to do on some level anyway.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They are doing it for their own reasons not yours.

      Delete
    2. Oh, yeah, you wish!

      Delete
    3. No I don't wish lol its just the way things work. Like if you want someone to give you something of theirs there are ways but if they are already psychically conscious of your intentions and want to keep that item, then they will say no.

      Or if they go along with you and your 'manipulation' (like how we go along with the government and its laws) its not because we are slaves or dumb its cuz we are lazy.

      Delete
    4. "You made me do it". That's what a manipulation is, like its when you blame someone for what you did. Or from another perspective its when you give yourself full credit for how things turned out. So I can see yeah you can take full credit but remember so can the other person.

      Delete
    5. We don't have ideas of our own like if I make you do something its just cuz the information in me is making me make you do it. And you're set up in a way to not question me.

      Delete
    6. Like avoid trying to be clever or any of that because you're not... and it just makes you appear dumb. The part of our mind that tries to be clever , well just think about that for a second and you'll see that comes from a place of ignorance.

      Delete
    7. You are deliberately changing the definition of manipulation.
      The basic principle of manipulation is that you are forced or led to do something against your will and/or without being fully/fairly warned of the situation by lying, omitting important truth and/or information, threats.

      "You made me do it" is not manipulation, it can be an excuse as it can be an explanation.
      Intentionally lying to possess something wanted knowing that it wouldn't been accessible with an upfront and honest behaviour, therefore denying the right to the other to refuse is manipulation. It is an intention to use / fool people in a premeditated way.

      It's far from having convincing arguments or leaving people's conscient choices.

      Delete
    8. OP: I always thought that if someone got manipulated it was because they were foolish/stupid/oblivious/etc. enough to allow themselves to be manipulated, therefore deserving the manipulation.

      Delete
  4. Who reads these magazines? Another middle-of-the-road piece of crap. Maybe his wife won't wear négligée because she has no respect for the way he earns a living.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Has anyone here experienced a relationship with someone who is bi-polar? What's it like? After dating a narcissist followed by a psychopath, I was hoping to meet someone normal, so faced with bi-polar guy, I'm gun shy to say the least.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe stop seeking people who don't conform to social norms. The only common factor in all your failed relationships is you.
      -KB

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    2. Yes I agree and am trying to do this. I don't meet many people I'm attracted to and when I do, they always seem to fall outside the norm. I don't know if that's the result of my upbringing - narcissistic mother - or not. End result, being alone and partnerless for long stretches. It gets lonely and boring. My choice seems to be outliers or no one.

      Delete
    3. Anon 8:32,

      Maybe you just go for the wrong guy because you are bored. Then when you meet someone so outside the norm you are so bored that you justify and rationalize they're bad behavior. Perhaps this is a pattern that will change when you change; say no instead of yes. Force yourself to make a different choice, even if it feels very strange at first.

      MelissaR

      Delete
    4. You should probably review why you feel the need to validate yourself, even when you know your validators are unstable and/or view the world from a slanted perspective. Speaks volumes; are you discontent with who you are.

      If you're not happy by yourself, you won't be happy in a relationship.

      -KB

      Delete
    5. Why does the natural human drive to find a mate - love, companionship, sex and all the rest of it - have to be equated with the need for validation? I had no idea I had to be a buddha before I'm fit for a relationship. Yes, I'm probably somewhat discontent with who I am, or at least with what I've achieved, but isn't everyone to some extent.

      Delete
    6. If you want to know how is a bipolar mind, just read Anonymous April 5, 2014 at 3:54 AM.

      Delete
    7. Oh, please excuse me for my wrong English. I'm not a native.

      Delete
    8. I think it's time that we all have an orgie. Let us all validate oneanother and fuck like little rabbits. Cuz where all just dirty little freaks inside...

      Delete
  6. Maybe manipulating her makes him feel lonely? Manipulation is like an inside joke that only you are aware of.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. People are aware when they're being manipulated. They might turn a blind eye to it for a variety of reasons but they're aware. The joke's on you.

      Delete
  7. It's a beautiful, gorgeous day. I love mother nature.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Mother nature will eat you.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Why would you say 3:54 is bipolar?


    bipolar empath

    ReplyDelete
  10. Pastor Victor Kim used his knowledge of the bible to seduce his victims. In the church context, the women revere the pastor and victor kim's knowledge of the bible. They completely ate up everything he said, and did not doubt what victor kim said or the stories he told. Very very sick person who would use the bible to seduce women and lie to his congregation.

    ReplyDelete
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