Saturday, January 5, 2013

Different children

Selections from a NY Times book review about children with unique issues:

Andrew Solomon’s enormous new book, “Far From the Tree: Parents, Children, and the Search for Identity,” is about children who are born or who grow up in ways their parents never expected.

Mr. Solomon explained that “Far from the Tree” took 11 years. It stemmed from a 1994 article about deafness he wrote for The New York Times Magazine. In the course of reporting it, he said, he realized that many issues confronting the deaf are not unlike those he faced as someone who was gay. 

A few years later, watching a documentary about dwarfism, he saw the same pattern again. Eventually the book grew to also include chapters on Down syndrome, autism, schizophrenia, disability, prodigies, transgender identity, children who are conceived during a rape and those who become criminals.

Mr. Solomon said he included criminal children after deciding that society’s thinking on the subject hadn’t really advanced very much, even while it has on autism and schizophrenia. “We still think it’s the parents’ fault if a child becomes a criminal or that something creepy must have gone on in that household,” he said. He included the children of rape because he discovered that their mothers shared a lot with all the other mothers in the book. “They feel alienated, disaffected, angry — a lot of the things a mother feels about a child with a disability.”

This kind of commonality, he went on, was something he discovered only while writing. “Each of the conditions I describe is very isolating,” he said. “There aren’t that many dwarfs, there aren’t that many schizophrenics. There aren’t that many families dealing with a criminal kid — not so few but not so many. But if you recognize that there is a lot in common in all these experiences, they imply a world in which not only is your condition not so isolating but the fact of your difference unites you with other people.”

“Forewarned is forearmed,” he said. “Some things, on some scale, go wrong in everyone’s life. I think I have perfectionist tendencies, but I know you can’t go into parenthood thinking, ‘I’m going to love my child as long as he’s perfect.’ Rather, it should be, ‘I’m going to love my child whoever he is, and let’s see how he turns out.’ ”

I wonder how many parents can say that about criminal or sociopathic children -- that they appreciate the experience of raising a child with those unique difficulties and that they love their child no matter what. Still, it is a nice, aspirational thought.

41 comments:

  1. :-) Good morning Sociopathworld!!!!!!!!!!!

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  2. Replies
    1. Hey Monica!!!! Good morning!!!!

      How are you doing? Any new revelations as of yet?

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    2. No, but I am having super bad anxiety. How are you, Rich?

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    3. I am having big changes in my self awareness. It was a shock to me how good it felt to nurture and love myself and then how I felt I was a piece of selfish garbage for doing it. Thanks for asking, Anon <3

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    4. I've said it before, Monica. Hatha or Iyengar yoga would work for you. You're wasting your time with Kundalini yoga.

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    5. Why Ellicit? I used to do Hatha. I still do, as it is just a pose with meditation, isn't it. What is the other kind? I can Google it, but why is this your opinion, is more my question?

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    6. Iyengar is just ramped up Hatha. Why did you stop doing Hatha? I really think, with your talk about dissociation, that a more physical practice would work best for you. Hatha is much more physical and grounding.

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    7. Well, all Kundalini is is the Hatha postures with added breath. The part that makes it Kundalini is really the breath.

      Plain Hatha was kind of boring to me. The breath exercises are magical. They give you a high and transport you to a new place of peace. I love them. I can do a breath exercise for 20 minutes without stopping( subtle bragging~)


      About my image, you are very right that I care a lot, but I would give up most everything not to be disassociated.

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    8. I think the physical poses that comprise Hatha would bring you out of dissociation, Monica. You'd need to do at least 20 minutes a few times per week. Every day, if you could manage it. You gave it up because you found it boring?

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    9. How would the poses bring a person out of disassociation. I used to do Hatha with the meditating on the chakras. It was cool, but never did a whole lot for me.

      What are you thinking, Ellicit?

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    10. Ellicit, I wanted to ask you some questions. You have a heart, but you are a very cool person. That is what I want to be. How do you do it :D

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  3. My mommy loves me. She doesn't love the game or me playing it with other people, but loves me :)

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  4. "I wonder how many parents love their child no matter what."

    I think the majority of parents love their children regardless of their criminal activity. But the problem is how much destruction are the parents willing to lose in their own lives from the daily abuse of that child. Some have to love and let go.

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  5. momma says can't love cause your daddy is not lovableJanuary 5, 2013 at 3:41 PM

    my mom said 'because i did not love your father I could not love you.'

    How is that for a woman who believes she is super nice, compassionate, and kind-hearted?

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  6. I've been giving some thought to birth order and the results on personality. I don't know anything about it or what research has been done.

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    1. TEEHEE
      TEEHEEE




















































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































      TEEHEE

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      TEEHEE

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      TEEHEE

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      TEEHEE

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      TEEHEE

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  7. You know, I emailed Tonino before I left the forum, but I've had no reply. I know that email I use there often goes straight to the spam folder, but it's obviously from me, and all. I just thought if maybe he sees this he'll find my email if he didn't already. I've been thinking about him ....

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  8. On her porch, nature was everywhere: sumptuous and beautiful. It was for people who were not nasty, like a factory that churns out black smoke until it pollutes the town and then the city, and then the surrounding cities until it pollutes the country and is demolished before it pollutes the world.

    Some people were not made to sit in God's garden, with it's graces.They were made to do novenas. They were made to do Hail Mary's and Our Fathers, counting the rosary beads until they were old and their hands were gnarled. They would say, "Help Me, Jesus", as they walked through their day, doing various chores, old lady chores. They were not made to smell the new earth or touch their face to the noonday sun and in that moment, be perfect.

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  9. The voice arouse from her cells, her blood, her bones. Who the hell knows where? It was ever present, but could be quieted, at times, particularly if she threw bad things at it. It liked all the unmentionables, the weirder the better. It was a funky ass mofo. When it went out at night, it wore black patent platforms, no four inch heels, FIVE. It strutted it's stuff, skirt too short. Cleavage too low. Boobs too high.

    It went out to be seen, dammit, not stuck in a corner. It would, even, take over the whole dance floor, shaking it's booty like there was no tomorrow. That is why I demurred when it asked me to join. I am too dumb to fight myself out of a paper bag, let alone take up the entire dance floor with my bad ass self.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you Ellicit. A great deal of my healing comes from you, LA and the other people who comment on my story.

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    2. TEEHEEE




















































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































      TEEHEE

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      TEEHEE

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      TEEHEE

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      TEEHEE

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      TEEHEE

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  10. Yet, if I could have surgery on that fucking voice, I would do it. I would lie myself out flat, for the surgeon's scalpel. I would wake up new and beautiful( of course)

    I would be both young and old, understanding, both, above and below the surface of things. It would be a great surgery and cheap for the price.

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  11. You were probably a trained rat or a gerbil, who was too stupid to know he was on the wheel. He got fed the little pellets and shit on the side of his cage, or in the middle. Who the hell knows? Maybe, he could not tell the shit from the pellets. I suppose anything is possible depending upon how many times he traveled around that fucking wheel?

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  12. My father is is like me, always trying to prove, to himself, that he earns the air he breathes. I pleaded with him to step up to the plate of reality and fucking see it, but his eyes glazed over. "See what", he said.

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  13. I am new to this blog and I appreciate this post. This post is thought provoking. I joined this blog to understand sociopaths for practical purposes. I am empath, but have the ability to turn that side of me on and off, with the exception of severe cases. I guess you could call me a non-extreme case of epath, LOL.

    I'm not the parent of a socio, but the relative of one. In my family the difficulty comes from the fear of loving a child with the knowledge that this child will never love you back, will never give a crap whether you live or die, and may just kill you or hurt you if doing so serves a purpose. For an empath, it's discomforting to fear that someone living in your own house could be plotting your demise at any moment.

    With that being said, I strive to understand and peacefully coexist with the socio in my family. If you all have a minute, I would like to read a few opinions on this. She loves to manipulate and cause trouble within the family, drive wedges in between people by lying, backstabbing, telling person X that person A is plotting against them, etc. Some of the objects of her manipulation are defenseless children, which really sucks for them. I don't think she knows that I know she's a socio, but I'm thinking that perhaps, if I learn more about socios, am able to sympathize, and am able to eventually let her know that I understand and accept who she is, this may coax her to take her manipulation elsewhere and keep it outside of the family. My goal isn't to get her to "love" me or the rest of the family. My goal is merely to peacefully coexist with her and to let her know that we know and accept who she is. Is this a dumb idea or am I on to something? I know all socios are different, but any advice would be appreciated.

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    1. It's a stupid idea.

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    2. Thanks. Do you have any suggestions? I can't really avoid her. She's always around by her own choice, so I have to figure out a way to peacefully coexist with her. Any suggestions would be appreciated.

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  14. This comment has been removed by the author.

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