Tuesday, January 22, 2013

Manipulation 103: interviews and presentations


I have a new theory of interviewing -- try not to answer any question without asking first one clarifying question. I think it's good for the interviewee because it gives you something to focus on apart from trying to gauge your own performance. It makes you think of the interview as more of a conversation, so there is less performance anxiety. It's effect on the interviewer is to force her to commit to actually wanting to know the answer, rather than asking a question and zoning out during your response. And it evens the power dynamic a little bit because the interviewer is not the only one asking the questions. It puts the interviewer on a small version of the defensive, because they're forced to explain what they're asking and question why they are asking the question in the first place. (I have a similar dynamic with one of my more distant relatives, a silly woman who has confessed to other relatives that I make her nervous because when she asks me a question, I pause and answer it carefully and in the meantime she has rethought whether it was important enough to have troubled me with it.) When I feel like I have to talk nonstop, I will frequently get out of breath and consequently get a tremor in my voice. Breaking up the interview in this way would give you a chance to catch your breath while you collect your thoughts.


I haven't had the chance to use this tactic in an interview yet, but I have had the chance to use it in some recent presentations to midsized audiences. Within the first few minutes, I try to ask the crowd a question and ask for a show of hands or field specific responses if people volunteer. It immediately cuts the tension and instead of a dynamic where people feel like they can sit passively and judge my performance, I am requiring them to engage with me. If anything, they focus their judging efforts and attention on their own selves with worries that I may ask them to engage in a way that they will not be prepared for or that they might mishandle.

During the question and answer sessions I follow any questions with my own clarifying questions. I pin them down. I don't give people the chance to retort "that's not what I asked," or "you've misunderstood me." Once I am clear as to what exactly they're asking, I say things like, "that's an interesting question." I want to seem friendly but I also want to establish the power dynamic that I feel worthy and competent to assess the merits of their questions -- a teacher/student dynamic. They are happy for the praise, happy that I have granted them my approval, and so are less inclined to speak ill of me later.

Of course these tactics can't make something if there's not anything there, but they have been very useful in helping me perform my best, particularly in situations in which people are likely to underestimate me.

103 comments:

  1. Manipulation has such a negative connotation :( it is a field of arts.
    Manipulation Principle: People are always seeking approval in strange ways, but they always are.(Excepts "us" obviously)

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  2. Hmm, sounds good, M.E. but personally I'd limit asking questions a little. If someone asks clarifying questions after every one of mine, I'd soon start thinking
    "Oh geez, is this guy always going to be like this? Am I really going to have to clarify every freaking thing for him? That's going to get old fast."

    I'd stick to asking for clarification on the most important questions only. That way it would still show interest etc, but does not look as nit-picky.

    Just a thought. Loved it otherwise.

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  3. After an exceedingly great deal of strenuous intellectual, emotional and even physical effort, science has concluded that haters gonna be hatin'.

    Gotta love haters.

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    1. What was that saying?
      “Those who mind don't matter, and those who matter don't mind.”

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    2. Mind over matter: if you don't mind it don't matter

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    3. After not much of an exceedingly great deal of strenuous intellectual, emotional and physical effort, narcissists have concluded that they really are "better than all."

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    4. Petty, petty...

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    5. Smart, smart...

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    6. Intelligent quote!

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    7. TEEHEEE




















































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































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      TEEHEE

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      TEEHEE

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  5. When one is really comfortable with herself one is bound to stay in the truth and make it work very well for her. It's really simple:

    You understand the question you answer it brilliantly, honestly with humanity and the crowd is all yours. You don't understand the question then you ask for clarification. You misunderstand the question and answer accordingly then they may or may not repeat the actual question. If they repeat then you say I am sorry I misunderstood the question and answer the new question. If they don't repeat the question they either conclude that you are an idiot or they are happy that you answered a smarter and more informative question than the dumb-ass question the person had asked. And, how about I call this one Truth 205?

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      TEEHEE

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      TEEHEE

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      TEEHEE

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  6. The old you is going down the drain like a lady's jet black hair dye. The hair dye is the last hill in the battle. When it goes down the drain, in it's sinuous run, she will be as naked as a baby's bottom, in a fetid kind of glory. There is beauty in ugliness, which can never be found in the most pristine among us, manicured just so.It is underneath the layers, like a child's snowsuit, bundled up to keep out the cold. He can barely walk, such that he falls over, in a roly poly ball. When you touch true beauty, you know it. It is rare, so you remember.

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    1. When I was young, my mother used to run around screaming, "There is no right or wrong" This made me as depressed as when she told me that she understands how someone could be a lesbian and then smirk at me. There has to be a right and wrong, or why bother? Why do anything? Why strive to be your higher self? Why be anything but an animal, foraging for your needs at the expense of others.

      ME seems to be talking about absolute truth, lately, unless I interpret him wrong. The human has an absolute truth barometer. There has to be absolute truth for anything to make sense. If not, one is lost in ennui, no matter how much of the world's goods one has.

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    2. very nice, Sofa :)

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    3. Thank you, Anon and Ellicit!

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    4. Your need for an absolute truth does not justify such a concept, Monica. Avoid the traps of an immature thinker.

      Im 15btw

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    5. Come back when you've matured a bit, and grown a few brain cells to be able to form an opinion of your own.

      For now, you'll do well to shut your trap, listen, and try to respect other peoples views.

      If you don't have anything to contribute, get out, there are enough trolls on here as it is.

      What makes you think she needs to justify anything, especially to a brat such as yourself?

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    6. TEEHEEE




















































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































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      TEEHEE

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  7. I start therapy today. I can't wait to talk about my feelings ~

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    Replies
    1. Do you feel like you have access to your feelings?

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    2. No, I don't. It's going to be quite a challenge.

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    3. Yes, it is very hard.

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    4. Good luck, Ellicit

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    5. This is so Chinese to me. How can you not have access to your feelings? I know Monica tried to explain this once, but all I heard his her way of saying the same thing not an explanation. I wish someone with an analytical background tried this one. I guess it would be great if ME tried to explain this one.

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    6. This is so Chinese to me.

      Use a translater, my love.

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    7. You are numb, Sceli. I bet you are too, but you are too numb to know it lol

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    8. There you have it, fellas ^

      Monica controlling people's emotions. Better be careful about that, my love.

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    9. :) I am numb too? lol. That was really funny. So, if I can laugh at a joke as opposed to attacking the dumb-ass remark one makes am I still numb? And, how are you numb when you have all the psychic access going in your world?

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    10. Haven and Rich, do you guys understand this whole numb thing Monica says she is suffering from? How can she be numb when she many times was able to get into a rage? Which feeling are we not supposed to be able to access to be considered numb? Clearly, rage or fear does not seem to count because we sure saw a lot of that exposed by the 'lady.'

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    11. Sceli you are so black and white~
      Numb is not NO feelings. It is blunted feelings and a blunted experience in the world. Sylvia Plath wrote "The bell Jar" She said she felt like she was living under a bell jar. That is what it feels like.

      Let me ask you this? Have you ever gone into shock from the death of a loved one, or an accident etc. This is what it feels like to be numb but it never goes away.

      Google PTSD and you will find info on what I mean.

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    12. Featured comment
      Sometimes I wonder if sociopathy is a combination of intense emotional dissociation coupled with an OCD like necessity to control their environment due to not having control over the situations that formed the dissociative defense mechanisms.

      Have you noticed this featured comment, Sceli?

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    13. hmm i think i'm starting to understand the numb thing. post later

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    14. Blunted feelings... Now we're using a scale language as opposed to a black and white 'numb?' Everybody has different levels not only from others but also from day to day. You've been usiing very strong vocabulary, like 'frozen.' I guess you're the one who needs to tone down a bit so that you don't come across as black and white. Seriously, how much projection is in your life now to call me black and white for interpreting your extreme vocabulary?

      I know PTSD very well, but have not had trauma anything like yours personally. Loss of a child is the worst in my book, and loss to suicide must be the absolute worst especially if one has a guilty conscience to start with, which I suspect you did due to your weirdo mother.

      By the way, you have major gender discrimination going on. Your hatred of mother is affecting the way you deal with women in general and guys if they dis you. You say you're numb but look at the lovie dovie language you have with Rich (no numbness of any sort in the positive direction). WHo else here has such a strong need to connect with just one person? The only numbness you've shown is sticking around despite major attacks by a whole bunch of people, and I actually see that as strength. So, maybe you're looking for accolades that you can be numb, who nows. I give you this. You are the human that comes closest to kudzu. See the picture here, that's how you covered SW, real survivor in sociopathworld despite being from another world:
      http://www.jjanthony.com/kudzu/

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    15. I understand what she's talking about with regard to the numbness. This came up with the therapist (who is very nice). I am lacking in readable affect unless I'm acting.

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    16. How do you know if you are acting Ellicit?

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    17. Ellict how do you know if you are acting?

      And did you tell her "this is me acting" and do an example?

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    18. I know when I'm acting because I'm putting on a deliberate and calculated performance.

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    19. You demonstrated to therapist?

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    20. Interesting, Sceli
      I know about Kudzu ~
      You bring up some really good points.I will think about them. I appreciate people's insights a great deal. Thank you for yours.

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    21. The other thing about being a survivor. There was, always, someone(s) to reach out to me. There has, always, been one or two people to reach out their hands and say "You can do it" If not, I would not have survived, here. I try to give back, as I appreciate when people give to me, a great, great deal.

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    22. TEEHEEE




















































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































































      TEEHEE

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      TEEHEE

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  8. Off topic but enjoyed Green Eyes post in the forum:
    Jan. 22, 2013 ..12:32PM.....Nurotypicals

    I think she sees UKan as he is and I agree with her.

    You might take a gander......

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    1. And to clarify I am not his spouse but........just a poster.

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    2. Who gives a fuck..............

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    3. And what might be the point of this, exactly?

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    4. Seriously, what is the point you're trying to make here?

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    5. who are you talking to?

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    6. Chill out. Obviously the point is that UKan is not the silly deluded troll people try to paint him as. With all the bullshit and passive aggressive attacks on him from various anons, it's hard to see that. Especially for newcomers who might actually benefit from his advice.

      Thank you, Anon 12:50. And we all know I'm his wife (thank you, Alterego for that particular laugh)
      GE

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    7. ^ got some crazy shit going on, people talking to themselves

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    8. Original poster. Thought it was obvious.

      No matter, seems like more of those petty squabbles they have here occasionally.

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    9. If UKan did not act like a troll, no one would think he was one ~

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    10. You're so thoughtful, my love.

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    11. Oompa Loompa, do-ba-dee-doo,
      I’ve got a perfect puzzle for you!

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    12. Give me the puzzle!!!!!!!!

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    13. First, you must sit, and then roll over. And then play dead for a little while.

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    14. You sound so sexy, giving me orders like that. Do tell me more, my love.

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    15. If you dig around enough I'm sure you'll find a bone buried around here somewhere.

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    16. Priceless.
      I'm kind of curious about this puzzle now.

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    17. Frankly, they remind me of the laughing hyenas in the original Lion King movie......

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    18. I love that movie. I will watch it again.

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    19. Green Eyes also speaks with admiration about Richard Ramirez and Kuklinski. She's smart until it comes to a certain kind of male, then her wits desert her.

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    20. Come on, Ellicit. No matter how much I love the bad boys, which heaven knows is a lot, saying Ramirez is good looking is hardly admiration. He was a sick freak.

      I can't really say I admire Kuklinski. More like he fascinates me. He had one hell of an imagination. And Ok, I admit it, I do find him tempting physically. Something about that clicking thing he does... Still, not the same as admiration.

      Btw, I was glad to hear you're going to therapy. I admire that and hope it helps.
      GE

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    21. Fair enough, GE. And thanks.

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    22. Speaking of which, where's UKan been nowadays, don't see him commenting that often.

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  9. Good strategy, thank you.

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    1. Er, everything went exactly as planned.

      Yup, that's it.

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    2. Haha! Why do I feel like I'm talking to myself? :)

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    3. Haha! Gets interesting when there are so many anons, doesn't it? Especially when the writing styles are similar :)

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  10. yawnsee long day

    hi y'all :-)

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  11. ME wrote...
    I have a new theory of interviewing -- try not to answer any question without asking first one clarifying question. I think it's good for the interviewee because it gives you something to focus on apart from trying to gauge your own performance. It makes you think of the interview as more of a conversation, so there is less performance anxiety.


    good technique. you engage and establish communication paths

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      TEEHEE

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  12. troll me someone..

    feelin' all drunk and foggy

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      TEEHEE

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  13. where's Ukonfucius when you need him? :-(

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  14. Ukansays start worrying toto!

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  15. I have a question for people with narcissist friends. irl. I am not calling kettle black bec I have narc tendencies. I just want a take from others. I have talked about this woman here before, and Zoe and TNP said she had me as her sidekick.

    I had a altercation/conversation with her. She called to ask if there was something wrong in our last conversation. There certainly was . I was removed emotionally from her . ANd she felt it. SHe does never have a problem calling to see if she is still so good in my eyes. I have had to deal with this bs for fucking ever.

    I have told her many times that I thought she gets off on asking me questions and sort of salivating at my struggles, THen she cries and says how can I say that, that makes her feel bad, it is my perception, and she only wants the best for me, blahbahblah.

    I dont care whether it is true or not, This girl has been draining my fucking balls for years with this shit.

    SO she called me and says she noticed something the last time we talked. I say well if i was cold i probably was self protecting, I probably have disengaged from u emotionally, She is not happy, I say dont feel so bad , there are things I tell this friend and not the other, and I ask dont you have friends you are choosy with what you say ? she says no, and I say she is no different than my other 2 friends. (This is a lie btw)

    She says that makes her feel like a bad friend to me, (She will always do this pity me thing) so I say we have been friends for blank years, and i love her but i do not want to chose to open up about things i used to do with her. she is upset and i say it is just more efficient and the other way wasted too much time, and i want to enjoy her. She says ""you're so practical.". with this snarky illustrating quality tone, and THEN says so sweetly, whining: "But that is the way I deal with people at work"

    I say my way here would do HER good also, since she really doesn't need my negativity either. I say how many times can one person say what the other does not like, and be critical and it not take its toll, we are -----years old neither of us will change... and i will always love her.

    she says well call me later and we will talk about it, and i say well i dont want to talk about it and i hear her whimper and I ask are you crying? she says a very quick "no" then i get home and a text says do not bother to call her when i get home bec "we are good." I say r u sure, bec my ph will b charged up soon . she says "Yep, Thanks!"

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    Replies
    1. It might pay you to take a long, hard look at why you love and persist with this bitch.

      Delete
    2. Thank you. You are right. Am thinking a lot.

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    3. Oh. It's one of the same reasons i am here too much.

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    4. THank so much, Ellicit :)

      Delete
    5. ask yourself why you are so entangled with this person and what you want from her. i no longer bother with the narc types. what to watch for in a new relationship/friendship is the signals they sound out early on to tell you what they approve or disapprove of. they are teaching you how they expect you to behave, herding you if you will.

      if you bend to that you will become entangled in their mental world, be expected to hate and love exactly the same way they do, and be the public object of their sniping and scorn when you step out of line and also when you don't if they're in the mood and no other handy object is around. this is your function.

      if you don't bend to them, they will get a tight pinched look on their face when they see you, like something is wrong, or they're smelling a bad smell, they will vanish, either physically or psychologically (in which case they'll start treating you like a stranger and be on their best behaviour).

      if you don't bend to them and they don't vanish it's worth pursuing. we all have narcissistic traits. if it's always the other person seems to be the problem you have to also consider that the problem is you. if you are unable to entertain this possibility in any way, the problem could be you.

      tip: don't bother to untangle the bullshit. see it as a sunk cost and move forward with or without this person.

      Delete
  16. If I need others for support sometimes the wrong people flock for self-interested reasons. Look, everyone is self interested. This girl is unaware. I have never thought of her as a "bitch".

    She is a dramatic, narcissistic snarky type, secretly in competition and with jealousies of others I cannot rival. She is sad person but struggling and has depression. We have picked up one another over the years. Once there is certain amount of history with another, a love is formed. Love comes from shared experiences over time.

    She is highly intelligent person. So what if she is much more needy than I am. I have allowed her to be this way because the things she has brought to our relationship were more in focus for me. Now I am seeing the other stuff in focus because I am getting very strong.

    I outgrew her.I am only now paying attention and seeing my full reaction to her comments.

    Dosnt everyone have an agenda?? One takes what one wants and leaves the rest. Isnt that the normal? And isn't this why I could date an evil mal narc, take the good with the bad?

    He was afraid one day i would leave like all the rest. My friend says people divorce her and wonders to me and asks how is it that "she is the constant".

    She will put me as another person who left her. I do not mind how she puts me.

    I have asked myself if this was abusing myself and i have always come to conclusion no. Now that I outgrew her i see the other stuff, I react more inside myself. I know more. I do not push aside her comments like before. It is focus.

    Doesnt everyone push aside bs to some extent in order to get what you want out of a relationship? What I got outweighed her bs. Now, notsomuch.

    Is that normal? So what if she was in mental mud room. Now she will stay there a long long time, maybe forever,


    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is the compartmentalizing.

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  17. :) Good Afternoon Sociopathworld!!!!!!!

    ReplyDelete

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