Wednesday, January 2, 2013

Impulse control

A reader asks "I was wondering how you direct your impulses? Naturally control would of been poor so I figure it is best to attempt to direct impulses in a more creative manner. However I do wonderfully at it I was wondering if you had anything you did in particular."

My response:

I don't know if I have necessarily gotten better at directing my impulses. I like to think I have, but I think largely my impulse control has come more from being very careful about not putting myself in situations in which I know I'll have problems. I sleep 10 hours a day. I take fish oil and eat dark chocolate all of the time. I try to treat my brain nice. When I travel, I spend money on small conveniences so I won't get frustrated or over taxed. If that doesn't work and I still get angry, I will close my eyes and try to flood my mind with awareness of sensory inputs -- try to feel every inch of my skin, what's touching it, hot or cold, listen to every sound, feel the pull of gravity, all of the things that you generally ignore in day to day life.

What I can sometimes do is direct inclinations into proper channels before they become impulses. I try to always have at least one active seduction going on to scratch the itch that is my desire to mess with people. I try to get caught up in professional exploits to satisfy my need for dominance. I will spend a day in bed alone to satisfy my need for laziness and just "being myself."


  1. Good morning rich!!!!

  2. Impulse control is simply controling your impulses to the point that you no longer get yourself into more trouble than you bargained for. At least not more often than is expedient.

    1. You think you're so wise and clever. Idiot.

    2. You just got served by Captain Obvious.

      Feel it!

    3. "You think you're so wise and clever. Idiot."

      LMAO!!!! Dont hold back, tell us how you really feel ;)

      I found this comment to be pretty funny actually, lol!

    4. "You think you're so wise and clever. Idiot."

      People who lack self control can get into all sorts of trouble. | Psychologists NJ

  3. I love how M.E writes ( Brown Nose alert)

  4. Good Morning Rich!!

    I want to tell you guys what happened with my father. I was on the 5th day of a juice fast and my mind was very clear, as happens when you fast. I told him how I felt. I said it without anger or malice. Once I said it, I realized that he was/is so shut down that all he did "to me" was a result of that. I got a great healing. I don't have to take what he did to me, personally, because it was not personal. I would like to get that kind of clarity on my mother, but I don't have it, yet.

    1. Monica that is great.

      Me, I do not have peace.

      I hope you had nice Christmas and New years celebrations.

      I hope you don't go away from sw

    2. :) That is great Monica! Iam glad you felt good enough to tell him what has been on your mind for so long and now you can work on your relationship from this point forward.

      What Iam wondering is, How did he take it? Was he surprised? Was he happy? Was he defensive? Iam curious......

    3. Hi Rich!
      He was cool about it. I think he is so disassociated that nothing much fazes him ~

      However, the larger picture( and I address this to Sceli too) is that the build up of defenses is in the person( me, in this case) What you do on the outside can help bring down your defenses, as this did for me. However, the other person's reaction is secondary to one's being true to oneself.

      If one has a PD( even co-dependence which many people have) one has lost connection with one's integrity and sense of self. Radical honesty is the best way to reconnect.

      I broke the fast a little, just some vegetables, but I am going to try to go back on because fasting gets you very clear headed. I was very peaceful and felt high, really.

      This is really bad. I think I broke the fast because I was feeling so good and wanted to punish myself.

    4. You're on the very thin side as it is, Monica. Are you sure that an extended juice fast is wise?

      The fact that you are using food to "punish yourself" is highly suggestive of an eating disorder, or at least a proneness to them.

      I am not adverse to fasts in principle, but I think that you should avoid them on account of your insecurities and neuroticism, as they could develop into a means by which you attempt to dysfunctionally exert control over yourself and your environment, due to your pervasive feelings of helplessness and powerlessness. It could trigger or exacerbate existing pathological processes revolving around food if you are not careful.

      I'm saying this to possibly help you.

    5. Thanks Alterego
      The fast was wonderful. God showed me how I was co-dependent and how it was not workable. I felt so peaceful and connected to Him. Then, I, always, struggle with this self hatred. It is so bad and it dogs me all the time.

    6. I ask God to help me all the time, not to hate myself. He is doing it, slowly, but it is so painful like fire.

    7. SW has been my place I could really share who I am because you guys can take raw truth. My self hatred gets so bad. I know it is stupid, but I can't help it.

    8. I can't relate to crippling self-hatred. I can't maintain intense emotional states for any length of time. My active feelings are always fleeting, be they positive or negative.

      I thought you felt numb. How is that a companion to self-loathing? Do the two states exist simultaneously, or is it that you no longer feel disassociated, and so your feelings of "emptiness" have been replaced with self-hatred?

      Do you walk around feeling complicated emotional stuff all the time?

      In what ways, specifically, do you hate yourself?

    9. I am going to think about how to answer you. Thank you for caring enough to ask xx

    10. Alterego
      I have been trying to answer your question in a left brain way i.e intellectual. I can't because it is emotional and I do not have the clarity on it. The previous fast gave me more clarity.

      I feel I need to fast for a few more days, as the Bible tells us to fast and pray when we are stuck. I have Dr Schultz Superfood which is such a super nutritional product that one could live on it, so there is no problem with nutrition.

      I will come back when I have more insights. I think it is pretty cool that we are so different but sisters in the only way it really counts <3

    11. I cannot answer either, Monica.

      Monica i though the juice fast has too much sugar and that a vegetable juice fast is better for you.

    12. Well, my health guru, so to speak is Dr Richard Schultz. He says you don't have to worry about natural sugars in fruits, as your body can deal with foods in their natural state. I re-started the fast.

  5. Hi Monica, and Rich, and Themes!

    I would like to ask about impulse control in terms of what one shares . I am having a problem. I do not know but i think i will have to just take risk and not be concerned with things i cannot control.

    1. I think you definatly CAN control what you share, but it sounds like you want people to know or you want to get something off your chest or something of that nature.

      I think if you are comfortable sharing something than impulsivity has nothing to do with it :)

    2. Oh. see in the past, i would have been too impulsive to wait a panic out. When I panic I overshare. I am getting so much better at waiting till I know exactly how I feel or simply not

      Rich I was looking at the 48 laws and that is one of them. SOmething like if you don't know what to do then do nothing? I have been doing that with my emotions. It is very nice.

  6. How do you avoid telling a mate who fought hard for you that you will be crushed if they leave, after you just dumped them no problem..

    I have to tell of abandonment issues to someone. I mean i thik they know, but i want to say do not worry to them at the same time. I want to say i am a big girl but i just want to run away or run inside them when i am feeling love. It is excruciating that i fear they will go away when i KNOW everyone leaves at some time.

    I cannot keep up with being their dream person . THat doesn't work anyway.. I am just a person. And I cannot micromanage the person's actions or thoughts.

    1. Wait a minute, did you just say YOU DUMPED THEM?!?!?!? Or did they dump you?

      If you dumped them with no problem, why did you do that knowing you would be crushed if they leave? Or did you break up with them not knowing what you had (you know that saying, you dont know what you've got until its gone?) and then later regretted it and realised that you did want them and made a mistake in breaking up with them?

      Sorry for all the questions, Iam just trying to understand.....

    2. Borderline Push-starting to Pull Back, yes?

    3. Rich this is actually pretty typical behavior in the Borderland.

    4. Yes, Haven. It is the push-pull thing. It was "happening." I told him right in the moment,too. I said it was a habit that I had that I did this thing of pulling away and doing the crying and pleading --very embarrassing-- when I felt closer. I told that. I was drunk and asking him to please please tell me if he ever wants to date another, please tell me in advance, blah blah blah. It was a disgusting display. But I fixed. I told him he should not be frightened.

      THis is a person very tuned in. I am getting him used to me. Rich said he will find out anyway so I am letting it happen. . .

      He went through a bad experience with exwife. I think she emasculated him badly. She is very entitled and also a "pity me, i have no power person."

      Me, no, I do not emasculate people who show me kindness, love and respect. I just do like Rich does and do Moral effect fluidly so there is no confusion. -THey either get it and behave or they feel like i am not pleased. If there is no will to please me, I say ok fine i am not going to do pleasing behavior either. I do not have a problem taking emotion out of the picture.

      This is a woman who is felt entitled to use "for better or for worse" through their marriage as the rule allowing her to be an asshole.

      So he says *I* am low maintenance, and if anything I will go out of my way to be less entitled and am the opposite of she. He says he is happy with me.

      I feel like I cannot believe him though. Because he almost cheated on me.

      I broke up with him. Yes I just dumped him, Rich. (But I was a bit relieved too to have this handy "out" because of my fears.) Now he did a complete 180 and said no no no he was wrong to even look elsewhere and he wants to move stuff forward.

      i took him back. I like this person very much. There is too much good to throw him away. But he knows i can walk away no problem if i feel "unsafe"

      I always feel unsafe, though. I also told him i do not trust him.

      I think real intimacy will be to forget the almost-betrayal, spill my crazy thoughts so when i do the push pull he knows it is not personal to him.

      Man needs to feel secure just like me. I want to encourage that. But idk, maybe i am thinking too much about him and i need to chill. -I cannot control his thoughts about me or try to make him stay. He either will or he won't

      this one worry:I said once to him that me crying in front of him is me feeling safe enough to be close. But then i found out he was going to cheat. Now i feel like the fact i cried again, he will want to do the same thing. IDK maybe it is another narc/borderline relationship???

      But i say who the fuck cares.- There are too few signs (at this moment anyway) of that familiar toxicity, and I need to stop worrying about the future. If I do, then I am doing the same old self- fulfilling prophecy.

    5. I think i am too nice to him.

    6. I will not try to fix anymore. I told him he must be honest with me, and now i will just pretend i did not do the the episode.What else am i supposed to do?

      Now I think he is going away in his mind.

      I am going to refuse to introduce him to new friends and family so I do not get closer. I am going to pull away now, and I am going to start to shake again. He will leave because he will see me suffer for no reason, he will see he cannot relax and i am too much work.

  7. Anon 9:30
    Thank you. You made my day!

    Anon 9:12
    Tell more of your situation. Don't spare details, if you can, because the devil is in the details, so to speak~

    Anon 9:37
    I have tried to be so perfect that I had to run away from people ( OFTEN ~) because I could not keep it up.

    1. For real, Iam interested in 9:12, and 9:37 as well......

      Iam thinking they may be the same person, maybe ;)


    2. Really, Monica?

      I feel like i must be the perfect mate so i can keep them. -They must be addicted to what makes them the happiest. Then I also must be a stunning beauty and charming, gracious, thoughtful, and a fun good- time girl.

      Underneath I am suffering. It's great!

    3. why do you get interested rich? did you have a relationship with a borderline person?

    4. YEP
      I hear you, Anon 3:16

      I have been that way, a lot. I tried to be the perfect friend, too. I had tons of people who wanted to be my friend. I, still, do, but I had to escape because I could not keep up the "perfect friend" veneer.

      I escaped from everyone, pretty much. The one person I am close to, now, understands me. He lets me be and come out of "this shell" as I can.

      I could not live like that, anymore. So, I gave up.

      I hear you. It is unsustainable <3

    5. I do not want to put a mate in the position of allowing me to come out of a shell. I want to be independent. I also think that it is unsafe to do a reveal because then they will leave when they meet the real me.. this will be devastating. This is why I will not want to open up my abandonment issues, even though they are so important.I have mixed feelings. I feel people bought the pretty package and then will see it is shit on the inside. Me, I would say thanks but no thanks to that. Nobody wants to be with a loser, and if I call myself a loser they will believe me.

    6. I don't agree, at all. If you have to fake it like that, I would rather be alone and read a book. That is why I did it for so long~

      Then, I realized that I want to be KNOWN. If not, you are, always, hiding. The joy of life is knowing yourself and letting someone else know you.

    7. Yes, I think that too. Hi Monica.

      But i am not attractive at all when they will know me.

      I can see their eyes go into a poker player's stare. They will freeze in a position when I check in. They will look disappointed on the inside but sweet-faced on the outside. tHey wil fake their reactions because they will be very tempted to figure out a way to make a clean exit. It is not in my imagiation.

      Ask anyone here if they ever been in this situation with a mate.

    8. I have to go. I know i am "wrong" to be so negative. I know you are right. I just know on a gut level what is the risk. I have beenin this position beforewith al sorts dof people. I do not like to put myself as a burden.I am burdensome. That is why i am low maintenance/high maintenance. I like it that way, so I can keep them.

    9. ^But i can be transparent about that^.People can tell I am feeling desperate. I cannot win, so to be myself is the right thing. People either will forgive my bad qualities or not.You are right. ty . I have to go now. x

    10. This comment has been removed by the author.

    11. I deleted my last post because it was form my head and not my heart. My heart says that intimacy is scary as hell.

  8. I think the best way to deal with your mom and dad is to think of them as just some people who happened to have a sperm and an egg for your creation, and beyond that they surely don't hold much meaning or value. Once you let it go like thta you can start with the kindness you coudl show to a stranger, free of expectations, or treat them like shit as they do new shit. Take their importance away. Let them work to gain it.

  9. 10 hours??? Holy shit!

    I find my impulses are much more muted when i havent slept well... Im too sleepy!

  10. My prison follows me. I carry it on my back, like a snail.

  11. Can you explain more about your desire to mess with people? Why do you have that urge? Where does it come from? What forms does it take?


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