Monday, April 25, 2011

Suicidal depression

A reader asks:
I got a question for you: Are you prone to depression? Is it something sociopaths
gotta deal with?

Do you contemplate suicide?

For the past 2 weeks I can't think about anything else, I get depressed every now and then. It's sort of like seasons, I got a happy season where I am the king of the world and I can't be happier, I love my life etc etc.

Then all in a sudden I start missing things I used to like, I start missing my happiness then it all snow balls into thinking that life isn't worth it. And if you thinks properly about it, life isn't worth it at all, it doesn't have a meaning, it doesn't have a goal it's just a fucking rat race with no purpose what so ever.

And the boredom that I fell the emptiness within my one self, it's so hard to stand it's all so superficial, my friends say they like me, they always receive with such warmth and love but yet I can't appreciate it it all seems superficial. Like if they are lying right on your face and everyone is aware of it.

Maybe the thing that bothers me the most is the hardcore interest in something for a period of time and then the vanishing of interest.

That has happened with everything in my life. Girls, friends, uni, hobbies, movies, series. All sorts.

I thought I was a sociopath or a psychopath when I first read your blog and then maybe a narcissist but I don't really know if there is a way to class me, maybe maniac depressive?

I don't really know to be honest, it doesn't really matter, it's not knowing why I act the way I do that will change anything.

Is there anyone else like this out there?

The idea of killing myself sounds so appealing, such an easy way...
I said: You know, I have a vague recollection of being depressed, but honestly it's hard for me to really tap into any of those memories when I'm happy. When I am up, I tend to stay pretty up, can't imagine myself being any other way. What I do remember about any feelings of depression is that it is frequently accompanied by a sensation of deja vu -- I feel like I have experienced that feeling of depression before, although I do not have a specific memory of experiencing the depression. It's as if when I am up all I can remember are the good things, and when I am down I can suddenly tap into those other unhappy memories with much greater ease.

You might also want to consider whether you are just sick? Sometimes I mistake physical illness for negative "feelings." Or there's something else going with you besides sociopathy.

140 comments:

  1. ME, instead of saying what you said i would've convinced him to commit suicide.

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  2. anon April 25, 2011 4:25 AM

    i am tempted too but this might be a PR crisis if he actually goes through.

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  3. I've always been an intense melancholic wrapped in exquisitely thin skin. I don't so much as wallow in the dark realism of our hearts as luxuriate in it. But then, I don't pursue happiness compulsively as is fashionable to do, because I don't view melancholia as a moral failure.

    In my younger years I tried to relieve self-estrangement with medicines and relieved my humanity as well. There is, of course, no joy without pain - and no tablet to remedy the non-fulfilment of innate human needs.

    In a society that values extrinsic satisfaction, at the expense of intrinsic satisfaction, emptiness is a plague. So when our search for meaning inevitably breaks through, we are trained to abort it and cocoon ourselves in a superficial non-quest for happiness instead, lest we lose our footing as workers.

    As Nietzsche said, "The thought of suicide is a powerful solace: by means of it one gets through many a bad night." I feel this way often, and wish that we in the West were not raised to suppress a large part of the human experience, and what we are as human beings.

    Socially prescribed cheerfulness does not cheat death: when only part of you wants to live, call a suicide helpline, and tell them why you want to die.

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  4. Sticks and StonesApril 25, 2011 at 5:58 AM

    It isn't the first case, and it won't be the last.

    God bless freedom of speech and ignorant judges.

    NOT!

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  5. sticks and stones u r a boring faggot with no sence of humor get the fuck out of sw before i make u cry mandusas link was comedy gold

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  6. Hi.
    My kind advice to you is, please get professional help, get counselling while you can. Do not let yourself in getting worst. I know what you are going through, I really know. I came across your blog, because I myself was looking for help. I have been suffering from depression for as long as I can remember me. I’m middle age, had several serious attempts to take my own life during my lifetime, first when I was only 14years old. And I struggle now to hold onto thread of life. As you see, I am still able to think, to analyse, because I am talking to you. But I have been to the point when I got no other thoughts, than to go, slip away, disappear and having no control over my actions. I do not want to go into details, but I cannot understand how I managed to be alive and not to go completely off my head. I am sick. Mostly I got no energy to talk to anyone about how I feel. I have been cancelling and rearranging my appointments with a doctor, because I’ve been sick, and couldn’t get out of bed. I don’t leave my property. I have witnessed a woman, who tried to kill herself, lost her mind completely. It was terrible. Then I vowed to myself, never never; I’ll try to live. But I was and I am again on the same road, where I cannot see the light, I cannot think about my children, or grandchildren. The thought about them actually irritates, hurts me, because they are standing on my way to go where I want to go. I understand, that it sounds terrible, inhuman. I am bad parent; my children are in 20th and 30th, and even worst grandmother. I was Christian, but I cannot pray anymore, I cannot believe anymore. At times my thoughts I cannot get in one place; they like bees don’t stay still, bump from one side to another, hurt my brain; other times it’s blank, emptiness. I lost my friends, by my own fault; I had couple. I always had difficulty to make new. I am crazy middle-age woman. I cannot concentrate, forget things, I developed sleeping disorder. I am on medication. I cannot fell asleep without medication. Even with medication I sleep sometimes 2-3hours or less and then wake up, or more than 2 days I don’t sleep at all. And then I’m afraid to go to my bedroom, because of fear that I will not fell asleep. But when I manage to sleep, I don’t want to wake up; I take extra doze, and have been sleeping, almost 2 days in a row. My muscles go into painful spasms. My stomach muscles go into painful spasms and I am having bowel problems. Again I haven’t slept for last 2 days. I have been also hospitalized. Guilt, embarrassment and worthlessness eat me away. But I got no energy, no strengths, nothing. There are only short periods, when I feel better. Odly, when I haven’t been sleeping for couple of days, then I’m having suddenly some kind of energy to tidy and clean, and having a shower, and then go so tired. Some other rare times, when it feels that I got some energy, I am up whole day, doing something constantly, but then I look around and see that nothing has been done. Mental disease is disastrous. I do I think that I do not deserve to be treated and time to be wasted on. I am a waste for society. It has affected whole my life, everything around me.
    I don’t want to say more. I don’t wish you to think the same way. Please look for help, for counselling as soon as you can. Talk to somebody that you can trust. I wish you to get well.

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  7. i like medusa cos shes a really cool girl and shes a really cool girl and he duznt afraid of anyone.

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  8. Anon and Kesu, what would you say to your pilot if he told you he had suicidal urges?

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  9. Dick Cheney has the same eyes.

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  10. lol i would use my manipulative powers to convince him other wise.

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  11. but ya really don't kill your self, gain revenge instead.

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  12. "You might also want to consider whether you are just sick? Sometimes I mistake physical illness for negative "feelings." Or there's something else going with you besides sociopathy."

    I liked that, because often in my early years I mistook thoughts of ANY kind for "feelings".

    You know the whole "it's a birthday, everyone smile" thing. I'd go as far as to assume I was only able to blend in because I was always seeking thrills and having fun constantly, therefor I was "happy" too.

    It's kind of funny, taking everything for granted like that and just going forward anyway. It's a pretty simple plan that works until the damage control after you freak people out.

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  13. Definitely maniac depressive =P

    Hate to say it but the inability to focus, hold onto things, disbelief in friends motives, snowballing emotions, emptiness... I'm inclined to say it's BPD but he doesn't seem intense enough. Odds are it's severe depression.

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  14. Ooh, subtle as a face full of fuzz.

    Crazy-eyed killa could do with an eyelid lift.

    Just saying.

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  15. spanking him while calling his mother.

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  16. My take? Ultimately all attachment to life is futile and at best superficial. The alpha's embellish their time with thrills, frills, causes and crimes and the beta's must truly believe or lose all hope.
    The God's are entertained.

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  17. someone change the channel please

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  18. I don't get people who look for re-assurance from friends and family, can't you tell yourself all of that? What kind of feeling are you looking for?

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  19. Seems like the channel's are being changed now.

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  20. Haven I could easily turn most of your words to define me, and I don't feel depression as much as know that I am empty.

    "disbelief in friends motives" as if that's such a bad thing :P

    Seems to me like the rest of the world is faking it just fine, however. The "real" is just a spec among them, and suffers, hm?

    Ah don't worry, I'll quite while I'm ahead.

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  21. @Anon... Can't say as I disagree with 'disbelief in friends motives' necessarily being bad. I've certainly had cause to.

    I usually feel empty along with my depression, and often empty when I'm not depressed at all. Sometimes that also translates to emotionless which is actually welcomed.

    Life is pain {suffering}. Anyone who says differently is selling something ;)

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  22. Haven, in your opinion, why is it that you guys shut down. I'd rather label it apathy than refer to it emotionlessness, afterall I've made a BPD have feelings during that time lol. I was under the assumption that you guys just get tired of faking it similar to the way I do, except in comparison, you don't conveniently excuse yourself from the room like I do to hide my disgust or otherwise lacking. You guys wear it with pride, it seems.

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  23. I don't see the point in borderline personality disorder. You could argue that NPD and psychopathy aren't disorders, but from what I heard borderline personality disorder is completely maladaptive. You need psychopaths and narcissists as they lack empathy, they can kill and make the big decisions without the mental strains that normal people would experience, they are your executioners and generals.

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  24. When you say 'empty', are you referring to your connection to people or just about everything? Does it feel like a morass? What about nature, music, pets?

    I venture that, ^kesu^ is the anon before this ;)

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  25. @Anon... Being emotionless, going numb…It may be apathy in the sense that it’s an absence of feelings, but it’s not choice, it just happens. And it’s not like we don’t want to be interested and do things, but we may feel like it’s impossible simply because the idea of moving requires more energy than we have. Idk, I shut down when things get to be too much. When emotions are so overwhelming I get crushed under the weight of them. It’s a defense mechanism, not just a lack of interest.

    Heh, oh sure we get tired of faking it. That leads to bottling up and exploding. That could trigger the defense mechanism and cause us to shut down. A lot of us act out all the time though = don’t fake it ever.

    I def don’t find pride in it. It sucks, and I hate it. I do excuse myself from the room for the most part. I have enough control for that. It’s just impossible to not feel the way we do.

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  26. Well Haven let it be known that when I asked you a question I did not refer to you as unnecessary lol.

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  27. You muppets better start replying to my comments.

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  28. @Adam, you're right that BPD is maladaptive. A lot of it is about developing necessary coping mechanisms due to certain situations that are {hopefully} no longer necessary. Being predisposed to experiencing emotions differently it makes these coping mechs more extreme and, once they're no longer needed, self destructive.

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  29. WHy do you hide now kesu?

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  30. @Anon... by 'empty' I generally feel it about everything. Nothing is stimulating, I don't want anything to do with people, everything is bleak and hollow like seeing a favorite food that only tastes like ash.

    Fortunately I'm rather high-functioning so I can at least take care of things I need to do, regardless of whether or not they hold meaning to me at the time.

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  31. talented schizoids are good investments. Think, wild man fischer, van gogh

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  32. Can you hold a marriage or a family together?

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  33. My melancholia also savours the forms of its own distress in acedia, existential angst, and anomie. I like to write about people lost in emptiness because I haven't found my way out of it yet.

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  34. go suck a dick u fag.

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  35. @Anon... I know some beepers that manage marraiges and family. I don't know personally. I don't do relationships well at all. I can't imagine someone wanting to put up with my shit for very long let alone deal with it for a lifetime together. My therapist wants me to think about these kind of long term goals and they just freak me out and make me anxious ::shrug::

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  36. The only way I can imagine this is to let yourself be a muppet to someone or norms. That might have interesting effects on your children though.

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  37. Go stick your dick in another gay fanboy, shit-for-brains.

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  38. I imagine that in your high functioning dissociated state you'd be like a 'surrogate' mum, dishing out canned motherhood.

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  39. stfu bitch. go stick your dick in the neighbours dog shit head.

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  40. Heh, that's actually one of the million reasons I don't want to have kids. Marraige, maybe? Kids, hell no. I hate kids. Plus not being able to connect to people is the wrong way to have a family.

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  41. Aw. But my neighbour's poodle wants to push your poop in with it's pwetty lipstick instead, you big old fag-lover.

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  42. screw u dog lover. u would fuck that poodle but it turned ur ugly ass down. u can only get with mangy old alsatians.

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  43. Alsations are hot and kinky, you dumb fuck. Now run along and bleach your asshole for my neighbour's poodle - she's a pwincess waiting for her faggot queen.

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  44. i know u got raped by a pitbull u faggot dog lover. go sell ur asshole down at the nearest dog kenal. that bull wants some more.

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  45. Just because you want a rabid pit bull pounding your poop doesn't mean all faggots do – and why would I need to hock my ass at a kennel when I already have an Alsation superslut who likes a bondage-and-spanking session? Duh. You shit-for-brains poodle fuckers are all the same.

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  46. i got 2 evil ass dobermans who would love to get to know u. the heard about u and ur asshole from the pitbull. by the time they're done with u even ur alsatian wont want to look at u.

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  47. Is that right? Because the Dobermans told me that you wanted a menage a trois with them but they turned you down because you're a dirty little poodle fucker with a shitty ass. You're just jealous that they don't want to ravish you like they do me, faggot.

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  48. they only told u that to earn ur trust. 1 day they will pay ur alsatian to take the night off and then they will sneak in and fuck u up the ass so hard that ur guts slip out a little bit. then that pitbull that u have nightmares about every night will cum in and give u a facial. i will film this and put the video the internet. fag.

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  49. lol, just came off the phone to my mum. My dad stole some of her inheritance money (which she STUPIDLY trusted him with) which was meant for me! She said, 'I can't believe it, I can't believe it' and I said, 'Really? Well I can.'
    She then said, he's such a good actor. lol.
    Fucked up relationship if ever i saw one. I'm not even angry, since when you don't trust a scumbag you expect these things. I told her to tell him from me, 'Thanks for being such a good father'~

    I'll never see that man again for as long as live. Prick.

    What kind of a man does this SW?

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  50. A complete douchebag notme. Haha, but you clearly already knew that.

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  51. Haha, thanks for the support Haven. Yes. I knew it a long time ago. What's worse is seeing all your assumptions and calculations from a very young age about your parent's ineptitude become solidified. My mother is clueless. She lives in a goddamn fantasy land where she continues to trust regardless of all the facts and all the times he's let her down.

    Goddamit.
    That money was something I really needed too. He knew I was in a desperate situation...
    Oh well. Now she's paying for her mistake herself, financially and emotionally.

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  52. My Alsatian can only be bribed with cock, faggot. As for my guts slipping when I'm ass-raped it's not going to happen - the Dobermans know you're a cum guzzling slut and they can't wait to lick *your* prolapsed guts while old queens around the world fap desperately to your pain.

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  53. where is this website of pain hmmm?

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  54. Hi notme,

    Sorry to hear this. What happened to the deer avatar? I was only pulling your leg. Boredom does that to me sometimes ;)

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  55. notme... blindness is incredibly unfortunate. Not that I'm immune, but yeah, when something is supposed help you out and you're counting on it, it's such a let down. Is why I try not to get my hopes/expectations up.

    And yeah! Where's your icon? haha

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  56. hey it's back! couldn't be bothered to sign in cos I just wanted to get my douchebag dad story off my chest.
    Yes, Haven, me too. I try not to and my hopes weren't up. It's like a double whammy when you rely on a mother who then puts trust in an untrustworthy husband. Meh. I told her, (somewhat patronisingly) 'That's ok mum, see it as a lesson learnt' (ahem, the millionth lesson since you married him).

    Gag, to answer your question from ages ago, no, I'm not a masochist, though I may give the impression that I might be...

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  57. Kesu does not hide. I haven't posted today until this very moment. I would never hide. I have an aversion to it. I want to be known as me. There have been very few times(literally only 3 or 4) where I have posted under a different name and those times the name was a joke as was the comment.

    I must say though I am confused by these posters who seem to want to come off as me. Not to make fun of me or belittle but to be me in all seriousness. Seems strange to me. Specially considering how much hate is generally pushed in my direction. It's fine that they do it and I expect some post after this to try and degrade me. I take it all as a compliment. If you want to be me or belittle me then it means I mean something to you. It is like having fans and critics. If you have those you've done something to be important or at least noticeable.

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  58. I've already forgotten where that impression came from. But yeah what are you gonna do? What if you just deal with this directly with your dad?

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  59. nobody says or does anything important on this blog or any other.

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  60. 'But yeah what are you gonna do? What if you just deal with this directly with your dad?'

    No, I don't think I will. My mum fought him her whole life and still does and I saw that it's no way to live. I'm not impoverished cos of it, if I were, I'd have no choice.

    I seriously want nothing to do with him.

    He's full of bullshit, he even called me the other day to say 'don't worry about money, you'll be fine...' like it was some kind of compensation for what he'd done. Sometimes you just nod away. I don't waste my energy on people like that.

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  61. i should be seething, maybe I am, I'm a bit numb to it all too, so i'm not sure.

    In fact, I will call him right now. And I will confront him. Thanks Gag. It didn't occur to me since I've been totally avoiding him for ages.

    Right, Notme is on the goddamn warpath again...

    Thanks Gag. lol, aren't I funny.

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  62. I support notme on the warpath. I'm also an enabler so, there's that. Get your money back!

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  63. lol, that was a short conversation and he just fed me the same lies he tells my mum all the time. He DIDN'T want to talk to me about it and scurried off as soon as he could.
    haha. Oh well.

    Thanks Haven. I dunno. We'll see. What an ass.

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  64. i think it's always important to have a good relationship with your parents, even if they are assholes. if you don't make up with him you'll probably live to regret it after he's gone.

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  65. Anon, life is full of regret. I regret never having had a relationship with him in the first place even though I tried. Sometimes it's just hopeless. I love him, and I know he loves me in his way. But it's useless when it comes to certain situations.

    Oh well, c'est la vie. It's a big pill to swallow but i swallowed it a long time ago.
    ok, i'll make some food and distract myself a bit.
    I'm a little angry.

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  66. Notme, why don't you hire someone to beat the money out of him?

    1. You get most of your money back, minus the cost of the hire.

    2. He gets beaten a bit, isn't that cool on it's own? Plus he might actually learn something from it, ok that's just wishful thinking but hey the concept of that thoughts failure merely reinforces the beatdown right?

    3. Someone like me gets to make some money off you and vent some aggression. Win win.

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  67. Darn notme! Your daddy is such a scumbag, I'd never pull something like that..

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  68. lol. Hm. I dunno about that. He will NEVER learn from it.
    Plus, he possibly took the money to pay off some debt so he won't have it to hand.
    Plus, I don't think i could live with myself knowing I inflicted that pain on him. lol.

    thanks for the suggestion though.

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  69. It's hard to say without knowing the situational factors for all of you but he's still a father, and you're a daughter and she's a mother. So maybe that's the only link left to work with. If you succeed, maybe you all might discover that the money wasn't the most important issue. Just depends how much more time you are willing to invest to rebuilt the trust. It's a great big formless world and to have some semblance of order is perhaps all there is to hope for.

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  70. Me and my old man abuse my mother together, it's hilarious watching her over-reactions haha, we ridicule her sentimentality.

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  71. I never get involved in family disputes, I see that as a very common-man/thrashy thing to do.

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  72. Adam said...
    I don't get people who look for re-assurance from friends and family, can't you tell yourself all of that? What kind of feeling are you looking for?
    April 25, 2011 7:29 AM

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  73. grandma, time for reality checkApril 25, 2011 at 1:07 PM

    @suicidal grandma at 6 am

    it is ok to be worthless for your children and grandchildren. stop thinking that you should be more for them and instead start looking for people to whom you can be worthwhile. go to a homeless shelter and stir soup. go to a habitat for humanity site and carry brick. all your problems will disappear within a few weeks. the reason you are sick and in bed is not only because you are worthless to your immediate family but more importantly you cannot let go the potential you once had. Let that potential go away from your mind, take the reality, and roll with it. you may actually become something in the process, something even better than the potential in your mind that you never became.

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  74. Adam, lol, neither do I. My half-sister caused a huge drama over what she was gonna get from the inheritance a few years ago and I was put in the middle of it all. I had just got out of a goddamn psych ward and i was being emotionally blackmailed from both sides. I simply said in a letter, 'fuck you all and your money, I don't want anything of my inheritance if this is what family is about.'
    I meant it. They all sucked.

    Thanks Gag. We try the best we can.

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  75. @notme you should go to his house and start a small grease fire. Then tell him something like you know I need that money and by the way you should be careful you wouldn't want your entire house burning down. After all I don't have any money to help you.

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  76. it is best when children let go all entitlement and make something of themselves and look at whatever is thrown at them in later years as bonus. people give birth with the hope of being cared for one day, so your day of deciding whether the care is due or not will come sooner than later. maybe you can bio-feed your dad some shit that he needs your care even sooner.

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  77. lol, what's funny to me is that i think you're being serious.

    no, i'll just assimilate it into my 'shit happens' file. Onwards and upwards. :)

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  78. @drop entitlement

    well luckily i'm not his only child and he has enough money to look after himself.

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  79. @notme Why wouldn't I be serious?

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  80. I'm never drinking again, the aunt caught me pissing in the toilet sink, I've been doing it ever since I was really young, I was told that it's a trait of sexual deviance.

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  81. are you mentally retarded, kesu.? this isn't a movie and notme doesn't seem like type of person who would do that. if she did do it, unless here dad is a complete idiot he'd call the police.

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  82. lol, no i wouldn't do that but my dad isn't the type to call the police on me. He's the type to bribe them to let me go. ;)

    I wouldn't want to see his reaction though.

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  83. Anyway what would he say? She started a grease fire in my house because I stole money from her and then told me I should be careful... I'm sure the officer would say something along the lines of tough shit. Plus it is just heresy. You can't prove that she started that fire or that she threatened him. Trust me. You can threaten a person and get away with it. You can do lots of things like that as long as you don't leave any hard proof. Plus people don't like running to the cops. They complicate things for both parties. Specially when they know they are guilty of other things. So anon shut the fuck up. You don't have the balls to do these things so you say it can't happen or won't work. I've known your kind all my life. I love doing the things that cowards like you can't. You say all those things at first and then your amazed at my ability to do them. The difference between the can do's and the can't do's is enormous. I spent all middle and high school doing things along those lines or worse. Every teacher wanted me expelled. The principle pulled me into the office one day and offered me early release. His exact words were I want you to leave. He couldn't prove anything at least nothing that could get me expelled. They just had to end up putting me in ISS. They figured it would be better to separate me from the general population. Those were my highly destructive years though. Too much rage for me to handle. When you have that much rage you eventually self destruct. Which I did. It led me to the path of self discovery.

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  84. "I'm sure the officer would say something along the lines of tough shit."

    you're living in a fantasy world. two wrongs don't make a right.
    you don't me at all you little american pussy. i grew up in a war and i fought in a war when i was young, so believe me when i say that i have done alot worse things then you. i never even got the chance at proper education when i grew up and niether did alot of yhe boys i knew, so congratulations you waisted a brilliant opportunity. i'm so fucking impressed.

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  85. nigger gonna nigg.

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  86. Please. I love the stories. You have no idea what my early life was like. You aren't the only one who was actively tried to kill. I lived through hell. I survived. Not everything in my early was puppies and rainbows. I don't give a shit about you and your sense of wrong and right. The burden is always proof. Proof is everything. You leave no proof you've committed no crime. If it comes down to he said she said then you win. Also, I didn't waste my chances. I have a degree. Congrats to me. I got it at a University even. Thank god for standardized testing.

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  87. Will you shut up you asswipe.

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  88. i'm not a black man, and all racism disgusts me now after what ive seen and done. so why don't you cut it out and show some respect.

    i haven't tried, to kill i have killed. i'm not going to lie and say that it's no big deal which is what you would probably do, because it was fucking horrible. if you knew my story you would probably laugh just to anger me, but if you experienced it you'd be crying like baby.

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  89. You come to SW and expect a form of respect. Now that is funny. I have no compassion. As far as crying I haven't cried in such a long time that I doubt that I'm capable. Go sob into your hands and look into a site for people with post traumatic stress syndrome.

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  90. That's called empathy.

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  91. i haven't cried since i was a boy. you're the pathetic one, do you think i care about what you did at your little high school? i know i'm stronger than you because i have done what i did, and i didn't let it break me.

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  92. The same goes for me.

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  93. This whole page is full of stupid arguments. The one with the dogs goes beyond belief.

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  94. Go to a different blog then.

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  95. oh god, now i feel guilty for calling him about it. I'm such an idiot and shouldn't feel guilty!

    oh great. Fabulous. ugh. fuck feelings

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  96. http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Zzl4rAzQcRg

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  97. 'Go to a different blog then.'

    Na, this shits to funny to miss.

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  98. notme i will send my dobermans over there 2 fuck the money out of ur dad. just say the word.

    fuck all u doberman and pitbull haters. they make good family pets if u treat them right.

    wv:

    dobermans and pitbulls rule fuck all u haters.

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  99. we're missing ukan, misanthrope and tnp.

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  100. no note, we aren't.

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  101. hey thanks Anon, thats sweet, i think.

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  102. the last time not able spoke was when ukan ripped him up in an argument.

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  103. not able is ukans lap dog, he is a maschoistic little bitch.

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  104. I've never been depressed. But I have mood swings, it's just frustration, anger and rage that I feel instead of sadness or depression.

    Actually, once in my younger years while I was volunteering as a help "semi-therapeutic" counselor kind of position, I met people who battled depression on a daily basis. So I began looking more into the phenomenon and found it is an epidemic - or was back then anyway - that more or less everybody are expected to experience some mild level of depression at some point in their lives. And here I was, with about 150 individuals who were all severely depresses in various degrees.

    I have never even been really sad. Not really. And when I realized this I decided I would have to experience depression some time - I thought of it as a state of mind every 'deep, spiritual person would have to experience. Kind of like the existentialistic suffering artist. I believed it all.

    Once about 17 years ago I had a very unfortunate period in my life where almost everything I got in touch with fell apart or turned against me. Nothing worked, and I was betrayed by people I'd counted on to never dare do that.

    I was so angry, so pissed and disappointed, and nothing I attempted to do to turn the tide helped.

    And so I suddenly thought: If nothing I do makes any difference, maybe it's time I get depressed!

    So I began to kind of "mimic" depression. Stayed in bed for hours, not going out doors to socialize. I actually kept this up for well over 4 months!

    But all along was I aware that I could stop it whenever I chose to. I could not get myself past the point of choice (and for as long one has a choice, one is not depressed in the clinical sense).

    At the end of it all I had grown so frustrated with this project being a failure ALSO, but I realized I'd gain nothing from keeping up an attempt at experiencing something that I just don't have the neurological basis for.

    So I decided I'd had enough and got out of bed one day, and that same afternoon I was back to my usual self without feeling any effect from my experiment other than the loss of physical fitness.

    Well, that was my experience with depression.

    Reader (and mail writer), I do have some ideas of what may be at play with your problem. But I'm also certain others here know much more about that specific kind of issue than I do, and that they've already written a few posts saying something about it.

    So I will merely give you my personal wishing you good luck in life!... Don't ever give up, the answer is there, and you're getting close, I'm sure!

    Be well!... '^L^,

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  105. Tonight should be interesting.

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  106. 'we're missing ukan, misanthrope and tnp.'

    am i the only person here, who thinks that serious questions should be raised about all three of those people's sanity?

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  107. I am tired of all you sociopath wannabes ruining the blog. Why are you guys here anyways? just to seem tough because you know you are weak on the inside? All this lying to your self is not worth it because deep inside you know you are lonely and hurting.

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  108. I'm not missing and I'm not crazy. And I'm not one of those crazy guys who say that they're not crazy.

    Zhawq. What you said made me laugh because I did the same thing as you when I was in my mid teens. I'd lost alot of friends and connections as well because of some things that had happened so I didn't have much to do for a while. I saw this programme where people were discussing depression and then I realised that I might actually be in one of those situations where people get depressed, so I started staying in alot, sleeping and watching tv. It was actually pretty convenient because I didn't have anything better to do, but in the end it got boring so I pushed myself out and started making new connections and everything went back to normal. It kept me out of trouble for couple of weeks so it actually worked out pretty well. Looking back now I'm just surprised I did it. I don't think I get sad. I just get angry and then I try to get even.

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  109. Suicidal people deserve to die. I hate fucking losers like that who moan and bitch all the time. If you have a problem you just need to shut up and get the fuck over it.

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  110. "Suicidal people deserve to die. I hate fucking losers like that who moan and bitch all the time. If you have a problem you just need to shut up and get the fuck over it."

    Agreed, every social outcast too.

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  111. Don't play it too fast. If he goes through with it the fun is over. Better to let him struggle through.

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  112. Nobody likes a mope. People like that suck all the life out of the party and turn all the positives into hideous negatives. There's no such thing as a disaster. I like to spot the flaws in things and people but I don't expose them because then I can't use them later. I try to keep people in the dark as much as possible because you can point a blind man in any direction you want. I'm not a complainer either. I just do what I have to do without bringing every little hang up into scrutiny.

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  113. 'I don't think I get sad. I just get angry and then I try to get even.'

    that.

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  114. I think you'll find that suicidal people are not mopers and complainers.

    Mopers and complainers usually aren't in actual pain.

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  115. i don't mean they aren't in actual pain, i mean you can tell the difference.

    Often suicidal people put on a happy facade and can even be outwardly happy before they die.

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  116. "Often suicidal people put on a happy facade and can even be outwardly happy before they die."

    Yeah something about them accepting that they're going to die. Why would that make them happy? If the only thing you have to look forward to is death then your life really must be pointless. The most annoying people are the ones who attempt suicide about 10 times and still fail. That's like failing at failing.

    I checked in this morning and that long boring post by the depressed grandma wasn't there which means that it must have gone to spam first. Even the internet doesn't give a shit lol.

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  117. grandma's gonna get youApril 25, 2011 at 7:15 PM

    :)

    You guys are great. I love reading how callous you all are. Makes me want to stop hurting myself and hurt the likes of you instead.

    C'mon, c'mon, come to grandma...

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  118. I don't think putting on a brave face has anything to do with people knowing they are going to die. Rather the people in pain like that chose to hide it. The people who aren't serious are the ones who talk about doing it. People who attempt over and over again are just looking for attention. Either way if you are really considering doing it I say go for it. If you wake up the next day take it as a sign or something. Then learn to move on.

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  119. Kill one man and you are a murderer.
    kill one million and you are a conqueror.
    kill everyone and you are god.

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  120. depression is the worst thing anyone could have. Its like being taken over by a dark force. No, matter how good your life is it always comes and no matter how much you hate it it always returns.

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  121. The reader sounds Bipolar to me.

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  122. off topic;
    following moravec's paradox, the demographics of a population of human derived artificial intelligence would be the reverse. Where the disposable common-man(machine)would be the those with cold efficient logic and the elite minority will be those capable of 'human like' complex intuitive empathic processes that can evolve to adapt to nature.

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  123. I've been occupied.

    When I was in college, my grandmother died right around finals time. I used this to spend several days lazing around and catching up on sleep, and finding out from my roommate what the tests were on (since we had most of the same classes). Worked out pretty well.

    There's two types of suicidal people in my book. The chronically depressed mopey bastards, and the ones who have just had something traumatic happen to them. I don't mind the latter, even helping them too, but the chronic ones I couldn't give a toss about. There's so much fun and awesome things to do in life, and if you can't pull yourself out of the rut with the help of another, you can jump off a cliff as far as I'm concerned.

    @Reader: You sound kind of Bi-Polar. Big ups, big downs. I hear that's common with the issue. I imagine that sort of thing would fuck with your empathy levels too.

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  124. like you'e so consumed with your own moods that nobody else matters. It probably has a lot to do with intense rage as well. Up, down, irritable, and rageful is fun fun fun !
    Mixed state, or rapid cycing ? There's now a Bipolar III, too.

    THey're accusing Cath Zeta J for saying she's bipolar II because she wants people to think it is Bipolar lite." Nope. Wrongo. BIpolar II is worse, IMO

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  125. Mopers and complainers are narcissistic not suicidal you dunce.

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  126. Depression I have felt through out my life and have learned to transform through eating well, lots of exercise, curiosity, joyful acts and fun people. It's like changing a frequency. It a tough kind of form of art, not for the faint of heart. The ammo: self-knowledge and an insatiable curiosity of the world. And the understanding part of the lens of reality is chemical. Its hard work.

    Grief over something I've attached to and lost is a whole other ball of wax. I do not attach to everyone or everything, yet when I do and it ends or I end it. I feel like I am going to die. The opposite of love/hate is an indifference which is like a fucking black hole. its obsession gone wrong.

    "Is there anyone else like this out there?" Yes and its your job to pull yourself up, left, right and center. Sounds bi-polar. Good luck.

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  127. Narcissists depression is incurable.

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  128. grandma,

    your advice wasn't bad. In fact, it is good advice - if the listener can convert the meaning.


    "You guys are great. I love reading how callous you all are. Makes me want to stop hurting myself and hurt the likes of you instead.

    C'mon, c'mon, come to grandma..."

    That would be a mistake. You might be able to hurt some of the posters here if you met them in real life, but you won't be able to hurt a psychopath.

    What you suggested in your initial post is the best 'revenge' if that's what you're after. Help those that others scorn, spend your energy and money on them and not on psychopaths, for we won't react in a way that is meaningful for you. We're too different from you.

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  129. Why can't they be hurt? Aren't they afarid to die too?

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  130. I recently met a sociopath that has depression, PTSD, and "suicidal tendencies". He is quite fun to talk to and is a great writer. I just don't know how to keep him here on earth. I know that there are people on this site who think that sociopaths should be killed, but I don't think so.
    He sees no reason to stay here, but he keeps fighting because he doesn't know what else to do. I know I cannot give another a reason to live, but I would like to know if there is something I can say that will keep him here on earth. He says that he has done things that he cannot be forgiven for and does not see a reason to continue his "endlessly-painful pseudo-life."

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