From a reader:
First of all, outwardly I appear charming and intelligent with a readily engaged sense of humor. By the way, laughter is something I've learned to fake perfectly. Very few things are actually funny to me and most of those include scenarios where someone gets conned even for the hell of it or some other kind of misery in those around me.
Speaking of other people's pain - I understand it perfectly on a totally intellectual level but can't feel it myself. When my uncle died recently I had to wear sunglasses a lot because I can't cry on cue (yet). I liked the guy because he was smart and could carry a conversation with me, but the fact that he's gone is absolutely no bother to me at all - I'm not happy about it, it just doesn't make much difference to me.
I honestly don't care for people very much but I keep them around for the same reason I imagine a chess king covets his pawns - they're useful and if I exploit them enough they become invaluable. I'm good at this - to me human interaction is based around a simple principle: you give so you can take, and if you're wise you can give very little and receive a lot.
I've given it some thought and I realized that I have feelings but not emotions - feelings are anger, desire, physical satisfaction - all things I experience powerfully. An emotion is, if you ask me, an attachment to someone based on one of those basic instincts - this is what I lack. I don't care about people at all except for what they can give me and I take a lot of pleasure in subtly manipulating their
emotions when they aren't doing what I want.
I am a thrill-seeker. I have no driver's license and I enjoy stealing my parents' cars at night and going out to party with friends, then sneaking into their room and leaving them by the bed so "there's no way I stole them, Mom." I steal cash, from everyone, but only when I know with absolute certainty that I won't get caught - different people have different thresholds for their likelihood to notice, obviously. Once I do something like this it becomes boring and any small adrenaline rush I may have derived from it is gone.
I have violent fantasies with slight sexual undertones - kidnapping someone, anyone, and doing whatever I want to them for as long as it takes for me to get bored before ritualistically killing them and disposing of the body. I drift off sometimes when people piss me off (which is almost all the time - they are, for the most part, pathetic and weak) and have fantasies like this - for example, I was sitting behind a friend of mine in a car - the man wouldn't shut up so I imagined how easy it would be to loop my shoelace round his neck and just pull till the struggling stopped. These thoughts don't scare me - there is no sense of shame associated with them - they are simply a part of who I am.
It's strange, but as a child I was outwardly very normal. I never understood certain things like birthdays but I did understand that it was important to fake it, so I did. I was never violent but I was constantly prodding at other kids' emotional weak spots for fun. They would go to the teacher and tattle, but I chose such a trivial problem that the adults basically told them to suck it up - and they did. When another child angered me I did this in earnest to spectacular, tearful results. This is how I got my real jollies as a kid but it was never picked up on by the adults around me - I'm a master at charming people older than me and prefer them to those my age - their behavior is much more linear. When I was seven years old my father took me to a lab party (he's a genetic researcher) and I amazed a table of his seven colleagues and boss with my knowledge of the immune system while my parents stood in the background looking politely embarrassed.
I want to know what the readership thinks because, being underage, I can't get a Hare
Checklist (PCL-R) done.