Wednesday, June 8, 2016

Acceptance and healing

From a reader:

Confessions of a Sociopath has changed the way I look at my profession and indeed, the way I look at my life – and I am in the retirement zone! For me, the book is seminal and is an extraordinarily well written piece of work. How can I thank you?

I am an integrative person centred counsellor and absolutely love my work- because people come in miserable and go out smiling. In that role I am a grateful catalyst of health. In some of the exploits of your life, you seem to have been a catalyst of sickness – but I do not blame you. We do not make ourselves. Neither nature nor nurture is in our power.

As a counsellor, I help those whom the psychiatrists have given up on. Everyone can get happier. That is my job. Together, client and I just have to tap into goodness at a deep and spiritual level. Unfortunately, you appear to have been tapping into evil- but it’s not really your fault. You seem to say you love your parents and that they were good to you. They may have intended well. And we all want figures to love. But the way we are treated creates the persons we are, and I can see a lot of damage done in your childhood. From that learning, you went on to hurt others in like manner. And you may find that the reason for this is your parents were also mismanaged. Yes, your DNA will have directed your responses, but children need consistent love and security to become healthy adults and your story tells me otherwise. As such, you may never have seen emotion in the colour I see it. We all have to navigate our emotional selves through lives which include others’ emotions, and if we don’t read them well, we will do a lot of harm. Then we try and get out of the consequences, with more issues. 

I don’t believe that your intelligence, creativity and even gender ambiguity are necessary facets of my view of sociopathy. I see myself as a thought rebel, but I sense and care for others’ feelings well. I have to for my job!  I maintain no-one is a sociopath per se, implying a single shape for which change is impossible. But I do say many people have sociopathic tendencies in varying degrees. And whilst sociopathic people are part of our current society, I don’t believe sociopathy is essential to it- not in my world anyway! Sorry!

My mother is sociopathic and does not know it. She had 4 children and wrecked 5 lives, one terminally. I have spent all my life rebuilding unstable foundations to the point where I believe that my brain is rewired. Now, life just gets better and better.

Your religion showed you how to become accepted in society, but I do not see any real ‘born again’ people on your book, except possibly Ann, whether she was religious or not.  Her love seemed as unconditional as humanly possible, and I think she sparked the light of goodness which is in you and is in all of us. Others who have then loved you too, have enabled you to produce your invaluable book.

Truth and love are fundamental to my work. Religion is a rather flawed vehicle which I use to develop those values. I practice an extraordinary powerful but simple Buddhist type breathing meditation, but I am not a Buddhist. I find love in Christianity, but I don’t believe in the humanoid god presented therein. I am intuitive rather than impulsive. I am able to refer to a deep and good level before acting, but can sometimes be both fast and powerful. I can be ruthless with those who harm me or those I love.

I believe sociopathy, like any other incapacity, can be improved upon by a relentless search for truth and love through an acceptance that good and evil powers drive our lives from a deep spiritual level. We need to get used to spotting which is which and going for the good one every time. That always yields healing and always leads to happiness for us and those we influence. If we keep doing these good things, they grow in us and it gets easier. Peace, happiness and identity just roll in.

I would love to take you as a client, but England is a big commute.

M.E.:

I probably agree more with you now than the book would suggest, particularly this:

"I believe sociopathy, like any other incapacity, can be improved upon by a relentless search for truth and love through an acceptance that good and evil powers drive our lives from a deep spiritual level. We need to get used to spotting which is which and going for the good one every time. That always yields healing and always leads to happiness for us and those we influence. If we keep doing these good things, they grow in us and it gets easier. Peace, happiness and identity just roll in."

I do think that people have an identity that is not rooted in any sort of evil, like a computer has a backup that is not corrupted by a virus. If you can just get back to that version and restore the hardrive to that, no more virus, no more sociopathy, no more any personality disorder.

Reader:

I got it that the place you are at now is substantially on from some of the episodes you have related in your book. Indeed, you would not have written it otherwise. I absolutely admire you for the courage in giving us the bad stuff. If we gloss over that, we get nowhere, and none of us is squeaky clean. We all need to look at what goes wrong and attend to it. And we all benefit from that in ourselves. We don’t need to say it’s just for others. 
I like your resetting the hard drive. It is my absolute faith that there is a common and good centre to which we all naturally gravitate given the opportunity. Indeed, this was Rogers’ philosophy when he developed his person centred counselling  

I have spent most of my life trying to work out a formula for living which could make sense of the programming I received from parents in the context of the world I have found myself in. I found religion, Christianity in particular, to be helpful on the one hand but misleading on the other. Its bases, love and truth, are unquestionable for me, but the delivery by its practitioners is seriously in question.
My secular counselling practice has forced me to push my thinking to a conclusion so that I could reach deeper spiritual levels with clients who had no religious beliefs, and even those who had been alienated by them. That led me to develop Circle Diagram. It works a treat, and other counsellors find it useful too. It is intended to help a client understand himself. I enclose the article I wrote on it. It attributes a nature to the centre of the circle, our being. The inference in the conclusions is that we gravitate to a centre which supports truth and love. And that reflects your proposal that we all have an identity rooted in good and not in evil. I see evil as negative blobs coming in from outside my circle and my job is to help my clients resolve these blobs which mess up their lives and that of others around them. One of the concepts of the circle centre is that it is the person you were always meant to be before the blobs appeared. And that is part of the aim of the counselling process – get to that perfect being. Again, this correlates with your concept of resetting with the original back up. So far so good. The next bit is the challenge. It is that the reset only comes as a process of resolving the blobs. Clients need to get that the initial change is one of direction and not position. In other words, when you have got the formula, then the hard work of healing then starts. And it proceeds at its own pace, regardless of conscious intent, just as the injured body will heal at it’s own pace. Then persistence is required. But the rewards are amazing.
I also enclose my published article ‘The Sound of Silence’ which proposes a particular type of meditation which I offer and which is available across the planet as far as I know in Buddhist centres. If Rogers’ methods are good, this stuff is amazing. It has to be taught absolutely correctly but then it works wonders.   

54 comments:

  1. FIRST!!!

    YEAH!!!

    ~Vegas

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  2. Wondering if this is the article mentioned by the OP?
    https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/aspergers-diary/201502/the-sound-silence

    Mr. Hyde

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  3. What a boring update.

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  4. ME, I noticed you've pulled together a couple of threads in your own thinking here, which I appreciate.

    I consider my process is more a generative one; learning how to be a self given my own peculiar kind of historical deficit. I do this by steeply immersing in experience, not blocking it but allowing its effects to tumble through my brain to the sleeping-innate capacities I have there for dealing with what is happening.

    In my current situation, I don't know what will arise; I know only that my "heart" is asking me to explore things. I've learnt to trust that it's ready for things it asks for.

    I've come to personhood in a strange way; not so much through connection to others, but connection first to myself as an adaptive organism, an organic bastion against entropy in the still unfolding Big Bang cosmos.

    And as I've taken from Mr Hyde, it's not so much objective truth at stake in this understanding; it is a model that works consistently for me. The reader in your post seems to have found his/her own workable model and it's always a beauty to find coherency in another's voice.

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  5. Why work out a formula? Just be and see what happens. That is true freedom. It is everyone's for the taking.

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    1. Formulars increase your capacity of possibilitys. Language as a formular for example makes it possible for us to massively increase our brain capacity by structuring the information with an abstract code.
      Living into the day and see what happens vs using focused formulars is the difference between a civilization and nothing at all.

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    2. I'm not suggesting we all cease to speak. I'm just saying one doesn't have to use formulas to live. Just like we don't have to be conquerors or consumers. it is what we have become accustomed to. I'm just suggesting looking at things differently. We are capable of more. Its all a matter of choice.

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    3. Tell us how the experiences compares. Describe it. Sell it to us

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    4. I'm not sure what experiences you are referring too. I'm just suggesting more independent thinking. Slowly detaching yourself from formulas and results. Seeing what happens when you stop. Isn't civilization a state of mind? Being civilized?

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    5. Anon 7:01, do you mean stripping off the constructed layers to live completely according to one's natural state? That's what I take from your suggestion of detaching from results.

      We are social creatures, evolutionarily designed for sociality (at least.) I've been pondering lately how technologies in the broadest sense of the word arise from our various shared capacities of curiosity, endless drive for efficiency, collaboration, abstract and symbolic thought and capacity to communicate complex information systematically and clearly etc.

      In this way, civilisation is a natural emergence from our species rather than an inevitable result.

      So my hope - and what I am moving towards - is that one can be quite natural, free of confection and spontaneous as the social creature one is.

      Society is, after all, a context rather than a constraint.

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    6. North I agree and disagree with you about civilisation. I don't think anything that evolves from deceit can be a natural emergence. If we knew the truth about everyone within our society is this how it would have evolved? I absolutely understand what you mean by evolution being about what is and not what should be but I'm just questioning what should be?

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    7. I do not think about formulars as cages, like you seem to. I am not bound to them. A part of the formular should always be a re-thinking of the process. Remember the things you have done and check if they were useful for your aims.
      But lets take a simple example: If you get critizised some people might take that as a personal insult - a formular about useful acception of criticism as a way to improve can change that into a way better process. Everybody benefits from this.

      Constant improvement can be led by a formular aswell. Reviewing your process every once in a while (for example after every finished project) can be extremely useful.

      May I am just to focused on this because I am kinda naturally bound to a strong use of formulars, since I am pretty close to the autistic spectrum. But having formulars makes everything easier for me. It makes life more possible for me. When I wake up I always follow the exact same process until I have eaten something and then I start doing whatever the day brings up to me. But such things just make me feel more free. I can follow the process without thinking much about it. That is easy for me. I like things I could make easier for me. Improvising all of the time? That would be almost impossible for me.

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    8. PS: It is definitely useful to break free from some of the cages society puts around us, since social norms and the acceptance of the group can slow us down heavily, but I think you are approaching it from the wrong side. Or may I did just misinterpret your aims.

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    9. Anon 3:04 - I agree about formulae - they are practices and tools, the foundational elements of any sort of achievement - and I think it's innate to our nature to achieve: the direction of achievement is somewhat arbitrary. Driven by the dopamine system, woohoo.

      I mean to say there's a balance between applying useful practices and flowing freedom per Anon 2:50 that each person chooses. Personally, I am applying techniques and methods so I can reach a place of natural flow - ie I am changing.

      Anon 1:59: I see what you mean about "should be" - think this does happen eg women's rights. And a good point that I perceive you are working it is how should things be given our knowledge of deceit etc. My interest is to create the map... I think the should is contextual given agreed goals. What goals do you envision for humanity?

      I'll have to stop by later, gtg to work

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    10. I think that formula are very useful for the sociopath mindset, at least for me. This is because of the innate tendency of poor impulse control I have. By adopting and following structured patterns of thinking I can burn new neural paths towards positive behaviors. I don't believe I am losing too much in the freedom area in this. Just that my first impulse is usually destructive so when, after adopting and practicing a more positive formula am actually freeing myself from my destructive behavior patterns.

      Reviewing my behaviors and taking inventories of them lets me refine myself. I still have the agency to say fuck it at any point when the formula will not be to advantage but having it in place opens me to more choices in the long run.

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    11. Puppy Basket,

      Have you worked out a way to stop the compulsion to reciprocate in kind if there are people who you find have behaved badly towards others. And I do mean, compulsion. Not an 'oh, that would be nice to do when I've got time'

      KAT

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    12. kitten admitting his problem. the only thing left now is for people to stop giving a shit what he says ^_^

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    13. Puppy Basket
      Have you ever said fuck it and then it lasted a long time until you decided to get back to it? I do, I start again when things are not going that great for me. :/ But then I fuck it again. I do it very well but then it all falls apart like it was nothing due to a random impulse(meaning something that wouldn't have killed me if I didn't do it).
      -VN

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    14. North yes. I think your women's rights example is excellent. It means different things to different people and some women weren't exactly for it. And still may not be. What it means to me is having legal rights. Not being owned. Not everyone does or wants to live in an Ibsen play but that doesn't bother me as much if I know I can go and buy my own dollhouse.:-) but convincing people that they are living in a dollhouse is a different story.

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    15. @Kat Alas I am afraid my personal code does not find it wrong to protect those who cannot or will not protect themselves. Especially if I consider them mine. I retaliate or fix the situation. Sometimes that involves getting the abused person to understand they are being abused and to make some life changes to cut the other person out of their life. Sometimes it takes direct intervention. Sometimes it takes me taking myself out of the picture if the person refuses help. The difference between now and then is I step back and work through the problem with my group instead of being immediately reactive. If at work I will try to use the proper channels. Mind you, if that does not work I WILL get an abusive coworker fired or make them quit.

      VN no, I have held to my code since I developed it. I do have occasional slip ups but I can admit I have erred now and try to do so quickly and fix what I fucked up. It is more freeing than covering up ever was. Do it, done, don't dwell.

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    16. I am going to expand on my reasoning there VN. Part my code has the formula that if I am wrong, I must promptly admit it and then make restitution. (I am still working on the promptly part) I don't say I am sorry, that helps no one. I do admit I was wrong and then don't excuse my behavior, No rationalizations allowed, no excuses. Part of my life, a big part, is owning what I am and what I do. On the other side I don't accept apologies from others unless they include the words "I was wrong". Otherwise it is just excuses. One of the best things I ever heard was " Anything after the word BUT is a lie." This is also one of the reasons I am very up front about being a sociopath to people. I see no reason to hide that. One of the hardest things I have had to learn to do is to be honest. As honest as I can be anyway. Practice helps but I still work on that part everyday.

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    17. We all slip up. No blame.

      Admitting a mistake takes guts.

      Well said, Puppy Basket.

      Mr. Hyde

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    18. I second what Mr. Hyde said above. It's refreshing to hear that you weren't always like this but came around. Sometimes I get frustrated at the stubborness of family members who caused so much pain to so many people but don't accept any responsibility. Worse they blame the people who tolerated them for so long and who they abused all along. Your story reminds me that in time people can come around.

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  6. NM-

    Are you out there???

    ~Vegas

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    Replies
    1. NM-

      PS-If you are, I have a question for you.:)

      ~Vegas

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    2. Ask away

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    3. Hey NM-

      Thanks for responding, but I think I have my answer.

      Hope all is well with you.:)

      ~Vegas

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  7. What happened to UKan?

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    Replies
    1. Hopefully alive and well and not bored with life, but amused.

      Delete
  8. So UKan, postmodern and Misanthrope no longer come here?
    Whose comments are worth reading these days then?

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    Replies
    1. abc

      "I think A's"

      No relation is she?

      Delete
    2. Since UKan left there is, sadly, a lack of quality abusement in the comment section

      Delete
    3. I agree with abc.

      CAPRICORNS RULE!!!

      ~Vegas

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    4. Anon @ 2:04-

      I get abused here a lot.

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    5. Anon @ 2:04-

      You don't get to enjoy it, though, when people delete their posts...

      ~Vegas

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    6. Get a life you pathetic bitch

      Delete
    7. Pretty good start. Go on....

      Delete
    8. UkanCreditcardpleaseJune 10, 2016 at 5:44 AM

      Wanna see more? Shit ain't free

      Delete
    9. Ukan-

      Hello.

      K-Did you give Ukan your credit card???

      ~Vegas

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    10. SW-

      Welcome.

      ~Vegas

      Delete
    11. That should have been:

      Swop-

      Welcome.

      ~Vegas

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    12. Uk?anKissMine,

      Cash only. Shit sure seems to be free around here, so yours had better be good. And not fake.

      Delete
  9. @Mr Hyde,

    I watched your resonance video - interesting stuff! I don't have time to write now but want to refer to a similar concept of spontaneous material patterns in constructed environments being used to solve mathematical efficiency problems. I'll have to find the video.

    These patterns are the most stable and efficient states possible for the environment. Don't you love how the complexity of the patterns increases with the frequency (would have to read up on it to verify all this.)

    Physical tolerance, resilience, complexity, stimulation, environment - and consistency with the environment - process, spontaneity, patterns, pattern recognition, solution, application.

    Yes, I'll ponder these things. Unfortunately, my brain doesn't resolve conceptions so quickly as a Chladni plate resolves stability under vibration ;)

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  10. "I believe sociopathy, like any other incapacity, can be improved upon by a relentless search for truth and love through an acceptance that good and evil powers drive our lives from a deep spiritual level. We need to get used to spotting which is which and going for the good one every time. That always yields healing and always leads to happiness for us and those we influence. If we keep doing these good things, they grow in us and it gets easier. Peace, happiness and identity just roll in."

    Definitely agree with this, and most of the post. The writer sounds like a pleasant fellow!

    I also agree with M.E.'s "back that is not corrupted by a virus" analogy. In traditional terms you can call that an uncorrupted soul. It's the part of us that binds all of us - human beings - together. We'll find that part of us and have improved on it if we end this journey on Earth successfully.

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  11. You know a sociopath has gotten freaking defensive when they start saying, Oh yeah you figured me out!....sarcasm...sarcasm..8-).sarcasm. Oh yes you're right!8-) LOL
    Every one of the sociopaths I know the same reaction. And they say they dont react to insults.

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    Replies
    1. Then you must have meet some real losers. Id shut that defensive shit on your throat in no time

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  12. Genuine socios are "neutral", not good and not evil. The evil ones are sadists or immature, and the good ones are imaginary socios.

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    1. How you're so sure?

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    2. Everything else about socios is on that same "theory-track": people with lots of "not" in them: no real personality, little personal involvement etc. And "neutral gear" when it comes to evil/good fits in that puzzle..

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    ReplyDelete
  14. Very deep thoughts. If you want to solve this problem you can order a research paper on this topic from BestEssay.Education, and you'll definitely find the solution.

    ReplyDelete
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    ReplyDelete

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