Monday, February 16, 2015

Tips for dealing with someone with a personality disorder

For those that missed it, I liked this comment on the last post about how to interrelate with someone with a personality disorder:

Let's start a list of recommendations for dealing with a PD.

1. Call them on their shit. The more they get away with, the more they will try. 
Give them an inch, they will try to take 3 miles. Then bitch that you never give them an inch...
Firm boundaries are your friend.

2. Don't be a pussy. 
No passive aggression. It's annoying. They are not mind readers and being passive aggressive will only make them see you as a weak bitch. Especially if you are a man. 
I don't think it's possible to respect a man who acts like a weak bitch.

3. Be honest. 
Don't try to outplay them. They will most likely see through it. Then they will make you cry for it later.

4. Make yourself valuable to them. 
If you are valuable, they are much more likely to behave better towards you.

I'm going to try to elaborate on and provide synonyms for each of these in turn, at least as they would apply to more my end of the spectrum.

1. Have firm boundaries. People with personality disorders don't have their own personal boundaries (yes, it actually is possible to influence them in ways that you wouldn't be able to influence others or get them to do crazy stuff because they don't have the same sense of off-limits that everyone else seems to have) or great sense of other people's boundaries. If the PD person wants to maintain a relationship with you for any reason, best thing you can do to help them out is give them firm boundaries and reinforce them as necessary on the small stuff instead of letting it get to the big stuff and then flipping out on them.

2. Use direct, not implied communication. This is probably a good rule for all healthy relationships -- rather than forcing someone to dig out your true meaning from context clues, just own your expectations and tell them straight up what it is that you want/need from them. Sociopaths seem to be especially clueless as to discerning some of these "say one thing mean another" types of communication because they rely on a shared sense of expectations in order to be able to discern that the expected did not happen as it should have -- e.g. not calling within 24-48 hours of seeing each other is fine? Or reprehensible? Not clear. A sociopath may not even be able to pick up on even basic passive aggressive tactics like the silent treatment. I often have assumed that people are just preoccupied with other pursuits.

3. Don't do anything with them that you would normally consider reprehensible behavior in yourself but somehow justify it because it's towards or because of them. The sociopath *will* often use it against you. The sociopath is not even necessarily being a hypocrite. It's not even as if he is fine with lying if it's him but now fine with lying if it's you. Rather, if you feel even ambiguously badly about something that you've done, anything remotely approximating guilt or even just consider the behavior something you'd rather not have the entire world know, the sociopath will be able to turn that knife back on you. You've seen that on television shows? Where the scared office drone gets a gun and has it used against him by the very attackers that it was meant to protect against? If you aren't completely comfortable with all of the ins and outs and implications of the weapon you're using, don't, because someone else does.

4. Don't expect emotional ties to bind the PD sufferer to you the same way that normal people are. Everyone is influenced by cost benefit equations. PDs just seem more so, perhaps, because that's one of the few things they are reliably influenced by, when you take out the emotional ties.

58 comments:

  1. M.E. just never had anyone sweep her off her feet. She never had anybody she
    was "wild" about. If she did, she wouldn't be living in this frustrating "holding
    pattern," sustaining the blog, and covering the same ground over and over.
    She needs someone that she can respect AND engage in affection with. But
    because good men are so few to find, she's trapped in dreadfully, boring limbo.
    How does she attain what she REALLY needs? How can she be happy,
    another words? Is it ALL a question of dumb luck? I don't know if a person like
    Glen Beck would appeal to her, except the fact of his fame and money. I
    don't think M.E. wants to be a "kept" woman, though a surprising amount of
    women do. It would be interesting if M.E. one day posted the traits the
    candidate would require. The postings about "love" always receive the most
    responses, even though Sociopaths are suppost to be incapable of love.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nice try M.E., I mean Monica, I mean..... err .

      Delete
    2. You are assuming more about a sociopath then what a sociopath is.

      Delete
  2. Replies
    1. I don't, not whole heartedly. The writer is generalizing personlity disorders as if those only exist as a anti-social personality disorder. That is not true. Please try to keep up the level of knowledge on this blog by not commenting bs, think through what you comment. Please see:
      http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder#Cluster_A_.28odd_disorders.29

      A person with a paranoid personality disorder is not going to play you for fun. He is going to mistrust you at first, then if he finds the slightest reason to, he will retaliate against you as if you were the one hunting him - even if that never happened. In his mind, you are the hunter and he is only defending himself. If you actually are trying to lay a person with a paranoid personality disorder, he will hate you eternally as a life threatening disease, he will retaliate even if he ruins himself in the process - and then he will blame you for it. A pers with that disorder will be so fierce that you will be dragged along with him, and if he has nothing on you, he will make your life a hell of law suits and prosecutions, accusations and warfare nevertheless. The only time such a person gains from strict boundaries is when he understands that he is being paranoid. Most paranoids don't, they believe that they are the only ones seeing reality for what it is. Everyone else are idiots. Using direct, non implied communication can work both ways. If he is trying to control his disorder, he might have an easier time not misinterpreting the situation, but in the case of the most paranoid delutions, he might take it as an offense and put your directness into an equation that always tells him that you are hunting him. Being valuable in the tems of emotionl value to a person with PPD might help on building trust, so that could help, but also this is incredebly ambigious. It all depends on the person and how the interaction is played.

      Delete
    2. Only the Paranoid SurviveFebruary 22, 2015 at 10:52 PM

      @SomeOne, You forgot to mention that the paranoid is usually right about the government.

      Delete
  3. I do feel guilt and shame yet I really enjoy angering others unless they begin openly weeping. The question this brings to mind is: Is everyone sadistic and only because empaths feel guilty for their actions that they aren't as sadistic as sociopaths? Or is the hurting others thing not at all applicable to empaths and I'm some variation?
    - Also, in another post it was mentioned that it should be a matter of preference whether one would choose power or love...I think many people mistake love for lust. Honestly, I don't even know if people feel love in the same way I do. However, for me personally, I'd choose love every time. Power is fun, in an addictive, ego-boosting, pleasing manner. But love is when you don't need ego-boosts, when you are completely content, and when your life is better than anything you could dream up. And the point of life is to either enjoy yourself or improve yourself, love accomplishes both.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Love is more an in the moment ride.. a joyful one full of rich pleasure.. with possibilities for other experiences, perhaps not so pleasurable, but not something that is so fixed and settled I think... If you enjoy angering others - maybe you are bored and not happy and get stimulation from this... you do stop if they show sypmtoms of suffering such as weeping... a variation of sociopathy? No, just a very common mindset partly resulting from the effect of an overstimulated over caffeinated, over crap garbage culture. Sociopathy is a neurologically based system of manipulation.

      Delete
    2. To me it feels as if love is something that genuinely brings happiness, in and of itself. On the other hand, Power feels as if its bringing you relief from your own pain or insecurities...it's that feeling that you could do anything you wanted, essentially feeding some narcissistic supply... nah it's not sociopathy
      - I've met sociopaths and the like... the act differently then I do and usually we get along quite well granted I can maintain my mask when they let their's down. It does stimulate me but moreso when another person is angry it allows me to rationalize anything I do to them... if I decide to do anything at all.

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  4. You mean putting a bullet in Warren Buffet's head is violating his boundaries? I don't understand. I'm confused :/

    ReplyDelete
  5. Did anyone see the movie Bronson. Loved that movie. I love the soliloquy https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5WjoAe2aymM

    ReplyDelete
  6. oh and this scene https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=-rYYW1Iqjuc

    ReplyDelete
  7. and the scene with the artist https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OZleB-xaNjk

    ReplyDelete
  8. Surely must depend on WHAT personality disorder? When meeting folks who like drill-torture as foreplay my advice would be to look for an unlocked door and run? Some people get "turned on" by resistance, just get out of the situation; dont play with crazed people one cannot predict. Some violent psychos just kill others for being "lippy". One cannot talk a zodiac Scorpios down, when hes "on" its like a raging pitbull or bulldog who has got to "cool off" by himself. Dont go there, dont experiment with such things.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I am sure there is a catalog of personality disorders and you can choose and order the personality disorder of your choice. What's the minimum age for selecting a PD?

      Delete
  9. I would say that this is a list of "good practices" for all relationships. Having said that, I would also say that these practices are critically important in dealing with PD's since the consequences may be more dramatic than with noms.

    I would also say that being useful (#4) is the most important - it doesn't ensure good treatment, but it's better than your only use being "entertainment".

    ReplyDelete
  10. I'm not entirely clear on number 3. Can someone give me some concrete examples?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You tell your non-socio pal, "go ahead and have that fling! Enjoy yourself - your secret is safe with me." So, they step out on their relationship. You now have that to hold over them.

      It's why I like to encourage "bad behavior" among people I know - gives me leverage.

      Delete
    2. ok i gotcha...thanks for the clarification.

      Delete
    3. Not sure that kind of thing is really my thing. I'll have to think about it if I do that. We all have our little things I guess. I'm pretty straight forward. I jus wanna do me sum violence.

      Delete
  11. Are we still doing the socio convention?

    ReplyDelete
  12. Yes we're still doing the convention

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We were gonna have a socio convention, or like a scoio meetup on like meetups.com. Would anyone fly out to go to it? I would, but prolly no one with aspd would go :/

      Delete
    2. Like a masquerade ball? lol just kidding, I'm morbid but not sp, I'd go

      Delete
    3. prolly no socios would go, but at least the sub culture of nerds who worship them would. Where should we hold it? LA? Vegas?

      Delete
    4. At the very least one could have cocktails with new people.

      Delete
    5. Yea, let's do it :D...where? when?

      Delete
    6. M.E. made this post a while ago:

      http://www.sociopathworld.com/2014/04/meet-ups.html

      Delete
    7. I think it would be a hoot and a half! I would be game for Southern California and I might could be convinced to go to LV.

      I put my contact info on M.E.s list -

      Delete
    8. Daughters of AnarchyFebruary 17, 2015 at 6:48 PM

      How close is everyone to Toronto - or even Washington ?

      Delete
    9. ...and, therein lies the challenge...

      Delete
  13. Thank you for reposting and clarifying #4, so if people have emotional expectations they should either lower their expectations or not befriend/associate/marry them or learn in the process hehe

    ReplyDelete
  14. "A sociopath may not even be able to pick up on even basic passive aggressive tactics like the silent treatment. I often have assumed that people are just preoccupied with other pursuits." haha this is so adorable. I dated an attorney for awhile, not the bpd one, this guy was more like the original meaning of NPD (I think it's meaning has evolved and changed), and I used to tell him about some of my pathological stuff. He thought it was so adorable, and would gush over it. I always thought it was strange because I would cut his throat out. I still can't help but get gushy myself though sometimes over something a serial killer says.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Do u know anyone with aspd?

    ReplyDelete
  16. Aww...M.E. you'll make me blush.
    You published my recommendations.
    I wonder if you're currently getting that feeling like you just accidentally quoted Hitler.

    You missed your favourite "tyrannical, fear mongering malignant narcissist", didn't you? ;)

    Green eyes

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hi Green Eyes, coming to the convention? :D

      Delete
  17. M.E. has "given" to us. Now it is time to see what we can give to M.E.
    As an educated, professional woman, M.E. has accumalated plenty of
    colleges and " friends." There is nothing particularly "spectacular" about these
    associates, and even a "normal" person would have accquired these same people. She may have had sparatic contact with other Sociopaths, but she is
    geared to relate with Empaths. She can pretty much "play" these Empaths the
    way she wants-they pose little challenge to her. 50% of the population (males)
    are putty in her hands, and a sizeable number of the female population are rife
    for seduction. It becomes very boring, so M.E., (With her high I.Q.) must fend off boredom quickly. The most exciting activites are the most dangerous
    activites-what you can get away with. So what can M.E. do to free herself from
    this "prison?"
    First, she must remove her mask. Is it surprising that the logo of this site is a
    mask? M.E. must feel, that she needs her mask to feel secure and retain her
    position or she will "lose" everything she ever acquired. She will never know
    whether this really is true, unless she risks taking off the mask. Would she lose
    all her persuavive ability if she removes the mask? Probably not with her above
    friends and colleges. People are highly resistant to changing their viewpoints
    about a person, positive OR negative. It's a safety mechanism. M.E. would
    likely NOT lose her friends,if she softened up a bit, at least, not the "worthwhile"
    friends. All of her accquirements would still be her's. There are laws concerning
    her posessions. Society just can't take her stuff.
    It's time M.E. became a mother. She is unsure whether she has it in her to be a
    mom. But what person really knows whether they are fit for such a role unless
    they are actually in it? Motherhood might bring out charateristics that would
    would stave off the boredom.




    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. fuck you are old fashioned..... ME needs to be a mom, ME needs to be married...whaaaa whaaaa

      Delete
    2. do you fucking pay attention to the shit she writes at A-L-L

      Delete
  18. High i.q., u ppl r crazy. Working society that is built for u to succeed is not high iq. Don't flatter urself. High I.q. Ahahaahhahaah. With ur high iq which Ivy League university did u graduate from?

    ReplyDelete
  19. I didn't really read MEs comments just skimmed the original posters words... I think better still in some ways is to just walk away from someone with a personality disorder. Why deal with it at all? A lot of this seems to come from the angle of ego... how to control, how to win etc

    "make yourself valuable to them".... sounds like a recommendation for a fake stupid toxic relationship.. manipulation instead of communication

    okay now I read a little of I assume MEs comments and I stopped at this one:

    "People with personality disorders don't have their own personal boundaries"

    what? says who? which personality disorder?

    I don't think this is M.E.writing.. probably some paid writing... but if it is... it seems the mask has slipped into dumbness... sorry, no offense intended

    anyways..... grizzly bear





    "Make yourself valuable to them"

    Isn't that way too much work to

    ReplyDelete
  20. At 71 years of age, I find myself in the “future” I read about as a young reader of science fiction. No science fiction ever predicts the future exactly, but many speculations do come to fruition in one form or another. At one time, flying machines and submarines were just speculations; now we think nothing of catching a plane to anywhere in the world. People have landed on and walked on the moon, and may embark on insane one way trips to Mars. Two of the seminal science fiction books of the 20th Century were Aldous Huxley's BRAVE NEW WORLD and Orwell's 1984.

    Huxley dimly envisioned a corporate controlled society with genetic engineering, virtually permanent social classes, society most anesthetized with consumerism and drugs. Not quite as he imagined, much of this has come true. Not so much by heirs to Henry Ford (Huxley's bete noire) as by Amazon, Google, Microsoft, Apple, and the corporate states such as USA, Japan, China, India, Brazil, etc.

    Orwell envisioned the “Divine Kings” who oppressed people ( from Egyptian Pharaohs through King Henry VIII and the French “Sun King” metamorphosing into modern ideologues such as Hitler and culminating in the “unholy trio” of Stalin, Mao, and Pol Pot, who used modern technology and insane populism instead of religion and capitalism to control lives and brains individually and collectively in a way that even religious psychopaths such as the Catholic Inquisition and the Protestant monsters such as Cromwell could not equal.

    I mention because we are now approaching artificial intelligence. We are on the verge of creating a new species, not a creation of the mythical being “God” nor of the blind experimentation of evolution (“Darwinism” if you like, thought I don't), but of our own attempts to “play god.”

    Soon enough these new intelligent beings will be able to interact with us on a more or less equal basis. I strongly suspect all the discussions of psychopath and sociopath behavior and other forms of aberrant, difficult, and not very friendly and not very cooperative behavior will begin to exhibit themselves in these new beings. We will have “Aspie” androids, and personality disordered robots interacting with us.

    We will be in BIG TROUBLE. We have always been in BIG TROUBLE, especially once we learned to make nuclear weapons and similar toys, but we ain't seen nothing yet.

    ReplyDelete
  21. "I mention because we are now approaching artificial intelligence."

    bunch of shit.... though its true we do stand on a real cusp of destruction as we have for a while

    we like to parade how great we humans are... the age of artificial intelligence and "intelligent beings"... are you fucking kidding me?.. we don't have a model for that... aspie androids... that would be funny, but first you got to get to androids at all

    big trouble we are in right now... kiss what you can see before you....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You may be correct. On the other hand, they may be scanning and probing you right now to use as a model.

      Delete
  22. M.E. is actually Jamie Lund. Google her name. there's been proof.
    http://abovethelaw.com/2013/05/sources-and-dr-phil-offer-insights-author-of-confessions-of-a-sociopath-who-might-be-this-law-professor/
    This website proves it.

    ReplyDelete
  23. I wish people (all people) would employ #2 for everyone, day to day. Honesty seems to have become a dirty word.

    ReplyDelete
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