Thursday, February 12, 2015

Strict upbringing

From a reader:

I just finished reading your book. I picked it up at the bookstore with the general interest in understanding different aspects of the mind and mental illness. While I greatly enjoyed the book, I was also able to put pieces of my own life together that I found absolutely astounding. Before reading it I never would have even began to label myself as a possible sociopath. I know this isn't necessarily something that you want to come to the conclusion of but I feel like you summed up my life in a chaotic nutshell. I am 21 years old and I have always known that there was something different about me. I have always been an incredibly independent person ever since I was a little girl. My mom had me quite young and my dad was never in the picture but I would say that I grew up in a supportive household. Still to this day. I have memories of 5 year old me stealing newspapers from my neighbors doorsteps each morning and tormenting the neighborhood kids. Going around during the holidays and taking people's Christmas decorations and stabbing their giant blowup inflatables... I know this is childish banter but I did manage to rein in that sort of crazy side as I got older. I was always incredibly self sufficient and like you said, even when I was caught I didn't feel bad, it just made life a little more of a challenge for me. I think that the love from my family is what kept me from really going down a darker path. I was taught what was right and wrong in societies eyes and I knew what I had to do to stay in good graces.

      As far as my family goes, I care for them but it always seemed odd for me to use a word such as love to explain my connection with them. Not that they don't mean a lot to me, the word love just doesn't seem like the right word to describe it. I have always felt that way about any sort of emotion though. I know when someone dies or something horrific happens to someone you know you're supposed to feel a certain sort of sadness. I have never reacted any particular way to any situation. I've been to a few funerals and have never felt the overwhelming need to be burdened by salty tears or negative emotions. I feel about death, tragedy, disease, murder, and rape the same way a person would feel about killing a fly with a swatter. I always felt that it was strange that I could stand in a room full of crying people and feel nothing. Like I was watching a bad sitcom on the outside of the television. I do know how to behave though because of the way I was raised. I tell the person who's experiencing the negativity that I'm so sorry blah blah blah. It's really just to ease the other person and make me not look like an insensitive asshole. Ultimately, situations like those just make me very uncomfortable and I retreat as soon as the opportunity presents itself.

      I have the ability to be extremely social. I grew up in the [American southeast] and kind of grew out of it as well. I tried to form relationships with people throughout middle and high school but was ultimately bored and disappointed with the friendships/relationships I tried to cultivate. I burned a lot of bridges and stayed to myself simply because I just didn't care anymore. I battled with depression and thoughts of suicide throughout high school. I didn't know what was going on, and up until recently I still didn't know what was going on. While seclusion was nice and the easier route for the past few years, it wasn't benefiting me anymore and I chose to use a different poa. 3 months ago I moved to Missouri for a life change and to meet new people that didn't know me from my first failed life attempt. When I put my mind to it I can mesh into any friend group you introduce me to. People love me here though and it is quite empowering. I always hear that there is just something about me, followed by a look of curiosity like they just can't put there finger on it. It's never been a question of can I make friends. I know good and well that people fall in love with me quite easily if I play my cards right.... I still feel like it's a playing field though. Like I'm watching everything from the sidelines or the outside of the bubble. I see things differently. I read vibes and I am constantly analyzing people and situations. It can be frustrating at times because you can see the stupidity in everything as well and it becomes quite boring and tiresome.

     In your book you mentioned that a trait of a sociopath can be accepting both genders sexually. In societies eyes, I would be considered a bisexual. But the thing is that I've never really given it much thought. I've just never really cared what gender a person was. It never bothered me and I didn't feel weird or violated when these thoughts arose. I just took it for what it was and have had both male and female partners in the past. Whatever suits my needs in that moment. As far as sexually I must admit that I like it rough. I love being choked and slapped and tied up. If given the opportunity I love to do those things to my partner as well. My friends thing it's strange sometimes how open I am about sex but it doesn't bother me. They are even more surprised when I show them my box of toys and I get to enjoy the puzzled/confused looks on their faces. Like what I'm revealing is too much... Or is it because I don't reveal much to them in the first place that it moves from 0-60 way too fast. Who knows?

       I have never really been a violent person. I think that my family upbringing helped keep those emotions in check. That's not saying that those thoughts don't go through my head. The thought of murder and whatnot really doesn't bother me, so sure in a fit of rage I've imagined brutally murdering someone and loving it, but it's never actually happened. The situation has never fit for me to beat the shit out of someone and usually it's the consequences of those actions that keep me in check. I do get that heady feeling of grinding my teeth together and my saliva begins to taste almost metallic. I love it though. Those feelings make my heart rate increase and my eyes dilate like a wild animal just wanting to slaughter its prey.

      I do believe that the way I was raised has benefited me in the long run. Cuss words like hell and crap weren't even aloud in my house so extremely bad behavior was never tolerated. Who knows where I would be if my upbringing was less than favorable.

       I was so happy to hear that you actually talk to your readers. While this is only a small piece of my life and what I go through, I would love to have your input. You are an incredibly brave person for putting your life out in the open. Your book has really opened my eyes and I don't feel so alone anymore. I was fascinated how much I could relate to your book and I feel like I used up a whole yellow highlighter marking my copy with notes and similarities that I found. While most would be scared to even consider the thought of being a sociopath, if that's what I am then it's something I'm willing to embrace. This is me. I really hope to hear back from you, and again thank you so much!!!

50 comments:

  1. Is that all there is?

    ReplyDelete
  2. "While this is only a small piece of my life and what I go through, I would love to have your input." Don't worry, we don't want to hear more and... Congratulations, you're a fuckin sociopath! I can relate to growing up in the South. It's a hard place to keep your mask on, but it's easy to gain people's trust. Of course, I know better than to start hurting everyone around me, but life is easier when people like you. Just act humble, say something about your town, talk college football, and say "Fuck Obama!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Or she's just got a suppressed emotional response from growing up in a strict household. It's a rather common thing in such situations.

      Delete
  3. I can't definitely relate to the part about violent thoughts and murder. Especially the "metallic saliva" thing.
    Thoughts, desires, and intentions of murder and violence go through my head at a fair frequency during an average day. I wouldn't feel the slightest bit of empathy or regret at killing the individuals I've targeted in my head, it's just the legal consequences that stop me. My targets aren't worth the cost to my freedom. As dissatisfied as I am with the world, I still enjoy my freedom to leave my flat and walk around town or walk along the lake and watch the swans. A life sentence in a prison cell would be inconvenient for me.
    Even then, it seems hard to control the impulses sometimes. A friend I once had betrayed me (I won't go in to detail), and I've simply decided that she deserves to die for it. I spotted her walking alone down a dark deserted pathway just last week and I followed her for a while with the very real intention of strangling her. I was catching up to her when I remembered that prison would suck, so I stopped and turned back. Once again, I'm not bothered about taking her life, I just hate the idea of being locked away and contained.
    OP, you sound like you've got a good handle on the violent impulse control thing, so props to you.

    I can relate to the bisexual thing too. Gender doesn't mean a great deal to me. It's just a physical skin covering the person inside. Penises, vaginas, boobs, it's all the same.

    I'll add here that I'm not a sociopath by any means and I've never believed myself to be one. I'm in the process of being diagnosed and it seems like my case may be a sub-type of schizophrenia. Maybe there's some similarities between certain types of schizophrenia and sociopathy? Something to think about maybe.

    If you read this OP, then congrats to you. You seem to be quite self-aware, and that's good.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Caitlin, loved your post. High-functioning sociopaths can have similar experiences when violence seems to be a pragmatic or justified response to an obstacle or offense. An argument can be made that the risk/reward matrix you are describing is the key difference between high-functioning and low-functioning psychopaths.

      Good luck with your diagnosis. I hope it helps you get what you need.

      Delete
  4. I don't know if ME reads every comment, but here is a question for our illustrious host: do you have a soft spot for young girls exploring their possible sociopathy because you can *gasp* empathize with them?

    The overwhelming majority of our recent blog posts have focused on female readers who have written because "they knew ever since they were little girls" X, Y, Z. Modern psychology theorizes that the vast majority of psychopaths are men, so if your readership is a microcosm of the diagnostic norm then your selected blog-fodder is wildly disproportionate.

    You're not doing anything wrong (or right, for that matter) but the statistical deviation and possible empathic cause was amusing to me. So, if you happen to read these- what's the story, ME? Soft spot for maladaptive adolescent girls, a flavor of the week thing, or some other cause?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey CC guess what. Psychology is still evolving. It was once theorized that the ratio of female bpds to males was 4:1. We now know it's an equal opportunity disorder effecting around 50% of men and women. Maybe, just maybe, there are actually more female psychopaths than men.

      Delete
    2. Anon said "We now know it's an equal opportunity disorder effecting around 50% of men and women." No we don't know that, dumbass. Psychology is about making educated guesses. There is no real, scientific way to calculate the ratio. A quote from bpd.about.com: "Women are far more likely to be diagnosed with BPD than men. In fact, about 75% of people diagnosed with BPD are women (that's a ratio of 3 women to every 1 man diagnosed with BPD). Researchers do not know why there is this gender difference -- it may be that women are more prone to BPD, or it may be that there are biases in the ways that BPD is diagnosed (e.g., men with BPD may be more likely to be given a diagnosis of posttraumatic stress disorder)."

      You might be right, but go fuck yourself in the meantime.

      Delete
    3. As I was reading this post, it occurred once again to me how ME's book has opened a floodgate to those people suffering PDs. This is a good, great thing. This blog in particular is a place where those seeking insight and/or validation or dark companionship seem to flock, and the frank discussions are generally enlightening.

      I've learned much reading on this site, more than I've learned from reading most books on these subjects. Hearing tales straight from the devil's mouth truly does put all kinds of different topics in perspective. Least for me. Certainly I feel more at ease owning my own dark thoughts than I did before coming here. In other words, reading stuff here has helped me feel OK about not being sweet and kind all the time. It has made me feel more human, and, oddly, more forgiving towards some socios in my life who have hurt me. I'm beginning to understand, I think.

      Anyway, it warms the cold cockles of my heart that ME's book and this site has touched so many who feel weird and alone. I think it helps to vent anonymously, and by connecting with older, wiser socios, the younger ones can learn to live more harmoniously. Less harmfully.

      Delete
    4. Faust, that was quite a lovely way of putting it.

      I think that between this blog and other websites/blogs/forums concerning personality disorders, abnormal psychology etc., people who feel "weird and alone" have more places than ever to express themselves and come to understand others a bit like them.

      That's a pretty good thing in my book. It helps us try to understand ourselves more and other people too, and how we fit into the world.

      Delete
    5. Caitlyn, Thank you. :))

      Delete
    6. I also think that ME's book has help a lot of people understand themselves - I count myself among them. Likewise, this site has been a great forum for sounding out parts of myself I hadn't really given much thought to (but maybe should have). My description is a bit less lovely - Assholes Anonymous. (Hi, I'm Harry and I'm an asshole...)

      I was wondering if maybe ME just gets more mail from young women than men. Women tend to read more and be more introspective (we men are more interested in dragging our knuckles and lifting heavy things ;)~). That might be why we don't see a lot of wayward young men asking "am I?"

      And, "looking" around this forum there are seem to be more women than men participating.

      Delete
    7. Socio Next Door

      Yes, very good. Congratulations. You found a stat on the net, and since we’re throwing shitty stats around from the net, and not any information that is coming out of the scientific academic literature, here’s one from Psychology Today that says half of bpd’s are men:

      “ Joseph Nowinski says that a man's ability to recognize and cope with the borderline personality disorder (which affects them in equal numbers as women) is distinctive.”

      https://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/stop-walking-eggshells/201409/the-faces-male-borderline-personality-disorder

      Delete
    8. Harry, It's quite possible that more women write ME and participate on this site. I'm sure I wouldn't know; gender doesn't interest me all that much, though it should, given the difference between the two sexes in terms of hormones. In fact, I was just thinking of turning my attention to that very topic . . . my shrink (I got a shrink through worker's comp, cause of an incident at work) and he seems to think I'm a bit strange because I don't date and don't want to. Makes me a bit curious about my hormones, or lack thereof. I've been a monk for ten years, I tried to explain, and I like it.

      He scribbled on his pad . . . and bit his lower lip.

      Wonder what he wrote down.

      Delete
    9. Maybe it's simply because ME is a woman, so her book really reaches out to other females? Troubled young women might read her book and feel some sort of connection with her story and experiences (as a fellow female) and this may make them seek out the blog and contact ME?
      If ME presented herself as a man, maybe there would be more male visitors and posters?
      Personally I think maybe that's why I visited the blog after reading the book.

      I don't know, I'm just taking a shot in the dark. Like Faust, I don't understand the complexities of gender very well.

      Happy Friday the 13th.

      Delete
    10. lmao Faust you're funny ;)

      Delete
    11. Caitlyn, happy Friday the 13th! :D:D

      Delete
    12. Prior to her book and coming out as a woman, Me made it a point in this blog not to talk about her gender. Her being used to technical/law writing actually gives her a voice (in writing) that comes across as masculine and each time I tried to make a case I'm pretty sure that she's a she the guys of the blog (inlcuding UKan, the only exception as I recall was Kesu) would fight against that dog. Women like Erin also thought she was a male. The pointis there used to be indeed more men participating here when the overall impression was that ME was male.

      ME's way of dealing with Dr. Phil was also so far from a macho (sp?) socio male image that guys decided she wasn't as bad ass as she thought she was and they left the scene. None of these were married with children.

      Now we have Radical Agnostic and HLH as married with children, and their overall stance is very liberal towards women. Thanks, guys.

      Delete
    13. Faust,

      How does your current sexual stance compare to when you were 35?

      Delete
    14. Happy Friday the 13th everyone. :)

      Interesting points. I think you both, Caitlyn and Sceli, make good observations. Funny, too. If guys who saw ME on Dr. Phil think just because she's not macho she's not badass, they are falling for the oldest ploy in the world. Eve didn't bully Adam, she seduced him. I hate to say it guys (state the obvious), but men are SO easy to manipulate if you're an attractive woman. And for a lot of men, if a woman looks great AND can talk like man (shows rationale intel, a masculine sense of humor, likes motorcycles and/or extreme sports, etc.) they are pretty much hooked and become brain dead. Women are also stupid when it comes to men (I myself have done some pretty stupid stuff because I was in lust and/or love, but I suppose I find blind infatuation more amusing in the so-called stronger sex.

      Sceli, When I was 35 I was extremely hot-minded, so to speak. A 3 year relationship with a much younger man when I was fifty seems to have cured me of a desire for physical intimacy. Or maybe it was just going through the change of life.. I guess I'd date if I met the reincarnation of either Buddha or Lucifer, given my curious bent. But I'm not looking and feel content as things are.

      Delete
    15. Happy Friday!!!

      Both men and women can be seduced. It's really more of a question of "do they want to be seduced?" Men are usually more easily triggered though. And, yeah - if a woman can "hang with the boys," we can get down right silly. Seen it and done it - waddyagonnado? 8)~

      In fact, I have often suggested to women lamenting the dearth of available men take up motorcycle riding and the guys will come flocking. A couple that did were...surprised and a little overwhelmed, I think. You have to be OK with attention -

      For women, it's usually more about triggering "feelings." Sometimes within a few minutes (if they are looking to be seduced), you can get an idea of how someone wants to be made to feel - then you give it them...so to speak...

      @Faust: When Ma and I were still trying to make the marriage work, we went to a marriage counselor. After hinting at a "checkered past" in therapy, I let him know that I am BPD. Watching him shift uncomfortably in his seat as I was telling him was kind of funny. He did ultimately say that he "applauds [my] awareness" - but the delivery was oh so careful. That cracked me up.

      And, while I wouldn't mind getting together with someone, I sure as hell don't feel like its all that important at this moment in time. That "pressure" seems to have lifted some with age and parenthood.

      As to the whole shift in the make up of the forum, I didn't have to cope with any pre-conceived notions of ME - I read her book before coming to the site. But I can see how the Dr. Phil (who I'm not fond of to begin with) appearance didn't go well - even beyond the gender issue.

      Having said that, part of "machismo" is image. Given that if a lot of guys were "claiming her" for "the team," to find out that she's not a guy would be a bit of a blow to their self image - suggesting that a "tough guy" is somehow feminine isn't going to be well received (don't ask me to square that with them being "sociopaths"...). Hell, the "in vogue" term for weakness is "bitch."

      Delete
    16. Hi Sceli,

      It's strange to me to be regarded as "liberal" (I see myself as being pretty neutral). For me, people are people - skin, reproductive organs, "orientation," and other stuff are a whole lot less interesting to me than their ideas and values.

      Delete
    17. @Caitlyn: I can see where ME being a woman may attract young women looking for someone they can relate to. I hadn't considered that perspective. 8)~

      Delete
  5. I think it is funny how when people find out they are psychopaths, they don't think, "oh my goodness. To think I've been doing these terribly callous and hurtful things to everyone I've come in contact with for my selfish pleasure. I've been playing silly games with people, and hurting them. I'm anguished at the damage I've done and am determined from now on to never behave antisocially..." - because if they had it in them to do that, they wouldn't be psychopaths.

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    Replies
    1. "because if they had it in them to do that, they wouldn't be psychopaths."

      I'm not so sure. You're assuming that psychopathy is rigidly stuck at some permanent neuro-point, that the brain is static, remains the same. Studies show the reverse: the brain is highly plastic. Flexible. It evolves just like anything other living thing. Point in fact: Violent psychopaths usually tame down after age 50. The MJTC in Wisconsin used positive reinforcement to rewire the brains of budding psychopaths with surprising, hopeful success. Just as empaths can and do become callous under some conditions, so psychopaths can also grow in 'feeling', even if they don't feel it the way noms or empaths do.

      Delete
    2. I am not assuming what you said.

      A psychopath normally realizes he or she is what he or she is before he or she experiences concern (if ever) for others. That's why I wrote what I wrote.

      insight is different from caring.

      what I wrote says nothing about what happens later - just what happens when the psychopath wakes up for the first time to what he is.

      Delete
    3. Anon, Thanks for correcting me.

      You're right as well that insight is not the same as caring. I wasn't trying to equate the two, but, I suppose it could be read that way.

      When a psychopath wakes up, as you put . . . I would suppose it's different for each one to some degree. Depending where they sit on the spectrum. The reason I say that is because I recently witnessed a socio 'wake up' and while he said he loved his socio traits, his actions said otherwise. He's quite terrified of winding up 'old and alone." Which surprised me, given how often I'ye heard socios say they don't care about such things. So long as they are able to continue to 'game and win' undetected.

      Personally, I don't really believe that's true for most socios. Not the ones I know anyway. Not the ones I work with and am paid to serve and protect: All of them are insatiably hungry for companionship. All of them are scared of winding up alone.

      Delete
    4. Things must be different where you are Faust. Most of the psychopaths I've encountered care nothing for companionship as anything other than a mask to seem normal. As for being scared of winding up alone, that sounds far more like your general borderline person instead of a psychopath.

      Delete
    5. Anon, Huh. I work with low functioning socios, addicts and criminals, and yes the mentally ill. I'm not a shrink, but they sure do act callous and selfish, entitled and are compulsive liars, etc. Most of the records I've seen say they have ASPD, so I guess I assumed they must be socios.

      Delete
    6. HATRED OF MANKIND lies deep within socios. Meeker ones like "special people" or "people at a distance". But as soon as blabbering, annoying and crude folks start disturbing the peace even that meek psycho specimen experience true HATRED OF MANKIND. Strange.

      Delete
  6. There's hope for all of us. No there isn't. Yes there is. No.

    Oh, shit! What am I saying?

    ReplyDelete
  7. That's right " fuck Obama" say the inbread trailertrash. Harvard educated constitutional lawyer and the leader of the free world. U and ur peeps are nobody pissants/crack whores. He is the leader of the free world and u and ur peeps are pissants.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If Obama is the leader of the free world, why is it that other countries are taking charge and leading the free world while Obama whines about being unable to do anything while not doing anything?

      Incidentally, if psychopaths are all nobodies, then how come multinational corporations are generally run by psychopaths? What about world leaders with as much influence as your beloved savior Obama? Putin is quite clearly psychopathic, and quite clearly is able to get what he wants.

      Delete
    2. I thought Puin is an aspie.

      Delete
  8. Hey was Henry Rollins socio? :P https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5E-qlXKVdaY

    ReplyDelete
  9. If only I knew what M.E. was actually up to these days! Then, we could
    really help her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Take the trash out of your kitchen. Help yourself first.

      Delete
  10. A club filled with socios. A club filled with zodiac scorpios. I would be more scared of the latter one. They are not 100% human. Souls from below. Slightly supernatural stuff. Demons? Sounds silly for a grown man to write. But its somehow true. To deny this would be to deny possible truth. To love lies & try to sweeten them.

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  11. Socio question: have you looked at "nasty shit" on the net and found that these images did not really disturb you? It was similar-looking to say packed meat at the supermarket? If yes: did this discovery feel weird..?

    ReplyDelete
  12. I'm tired of ME softening things and toning things down. We wanna know the ugly truth :D:D Fuck em if they can't handle it..or you can jus whisper it in my ear :D:D

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope you can handle it...

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAzR8zdM3OA

      Delete
    2. Damaged, something tells me you don't like me :/ You didn't like my Henry Rollins video, and you don't like me asking ME for the gritty, adventurous stuff :/

      Delete
    3. Something tells me you don't how to take a joke.

      Delete
    4. So you like me then Damaged? :D

      Delete
    5. warming up to you... lol :P

      Have you posted here before? Who are you?

      Delete
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