Friday, February 20, 2015

ADHD and neurodiversity

From a reader on her ADHD and friendship with a sociopath:

I wanted to let you know that I read your book a couple of months ago, and I wanted to email you for a couple of reasons.

First of all, I wanted to thank you. I'm definitely an empath, but I'm not really neurotypical either. I've had four or five doctors so far tell me that I have the worst ADHD they've ever seen, but I wasn't diagnosed until I was 21 because I was really, really good at compensating and hiding. I used to feel a lot of shame about a lot of that compensating though, like I should function like everybody else. After reading your book though, I think my view on that has changed a lot. I think that neuro-diversity is important, and I care a lot less now what other people think about it or about the way I function. I do just fine for myself, and I like my life and it doesn't matter if other people do or not, and thinking about things that way really started after I'd read your book. There also were a few parts of what you discussed that I really could relate to, like not having a long-term life plan. I have never had a long-term life plan, and I think that has always frightened my family a little, but you seem to have done fine without one, so I think that I probably will too.

The other thing is that even though I could relate to a couple of the things you discussed personally, I saw a lot more of them in a friend of mine. We've grown apart recently (nothing happened, just life) but we used to be close. I met Polly my first day of college. She literally just knocked on the door of my dorm room, said "Ferris Bueller is on, but my roommate has the remote and won't give it up," walked in without being invited, sat on the floor, grabbed the remote, and watched Ferris Bueller. She never left. She really didn't. She'd leave to go to class or to get food but she started more or less living in my dorm room.

I'm trying to remember some of the things from your book that really reminded me of her, but like I said, it's been a couple of months (that would be the ADHD. I was very excited about emailing you, then before I did so I was very excited about doing something else and forgot). I know you mentioned sexuality as being a big thing. Polly identified herself as heterosexual, but all of her friends called her "the noodle" because she was "straight until you got her wet." I think she preferred men, but I know that Alex (my actual roommate) and I both woke up several times to her sticking her hands up our shirts or down our pants. She said she was curious. She also used to walk through large crowds and see how many boobs and penises she could grab without people saying or doing anything, acting like it was an accident or slipping away into the crowd. She would always then report the number to me VERY proudly. I remember once she insisted that she had to see my breasts. She kind of cornered me and put me on the spot about it, and being every bit as impulsive as she is, I showed her. She was angry because they were bigger than hers, even though that was blatantly obvious when we were wearing clothes. She didn't like that I had something that was better than hers.

She did love me in her own way, but it was never the way that other friends connected with me. She was perfectly happy to take advantage of me in any way she could, but she was protective of me when it came to other people doing the same. Basically, she always wanted me to be the second prettiest, smartest, most charming girl in the room, and she would do absolutely anything to put me there: to make sure that i was the best i could be as long as that didn't mean i outshone her. She could be really sweet. For example, there was a program I really wanted to get into in school. It was fairly exclusive and only about 5% of students who applied got in. Polly and I had completely different majors, so in this case there was no competition between us. My doing well wouldn't hurt her at all. I made it to the final interview but after that interview I was cut. She was furious. She was almost more upset about it than I was. She kept telling me that I was obviously the best candidate and that it was completely wrong for them to not accept me. She didn't have any problem with hurting me herself though, if it benefited her. Alex and I both lost friends that Polly didn't know at about the same time, and we bonded over the experience. We were going through the same thing. Polly didn't understand at all. She was completely unable to relate, even though I know she's had people she cared about die too. Alex and I started spending more time together and less time with Polly. In response, Polly manipulated both of us. She told us really subtle little lies about each other, then played off of the anxiety she created and tried to make us mistrust each other. It very nearly destroyed my friendship with Alex. We hardly talked for almost a year, and we both started spending more time with Polly, because both of us thought she was on our side.

When we finally figured it out, I wasn't surprised. Polly is a lot of fun. She's impulsive and sometimes silly and funny, and she always, always can think of something to do. She can be a really good friend, too. She's not particularly trustworthy though, and she can always, ALWAYS be counted on to put herself first. If Polly is a sociopath, or even has some sociopathic tendencies, it wouldn't change how I feel about her. I love her for who she is. It would explain a lot of the really, really weird things that have gone on, though, so I thought I'd get your opinion. Thanks for your time.


  1. def sounds socio. The grabbing wieners and boobies thing made me laugh, but some of that other stuff would annoy me too much like lying and manipulating the friendship. Hey is ME jus tryin to piss off CC now with all these posts about females, hahaha

    1. Probably not. She has better things to do than mess with semi-anonymous commentors when she can't measure reaction/impact/result. If she wanted to turn the screws and get enough feedback to measure her success, she has my email address.

  2. If I only I knew what CAG was up to these days so I could him.

    1. Help, I mean help. I want to help you CAG.

    2. Freud said: civilization took shape when an angry person cast a word instead of a rock.

  3. Wow this explains my best friend I grew up with to a tea. You very much understand.

    Both my son's just got the adhd diagnose. But ,, I swear they have my brain wiring. I just went untreated. They will be treated. :)

  4. My other best friend and I call her bordering on narcissistic traits. She played the same games with four of us against eachother. One on one she was great, would fend for you and wanted you to be the best you can be...but never ever.... above her... but she couldn't handle us with other people. She's successful (a supply teacher now in our town) but lost friends. If she only knew how much I get her and understand her. But pride, the prideful ego...... she split on all of us and my other friends say she just hides after her divorce. I think it hurts her that we all remained friends and we figured her tactics.

    An example: In highschool school we both got pick for class rep. She told me I'm going for president, and you'll be going for secretary. Haha. As long as she felt she was the leader of the pack.... it was all good. But she also stood up for me when need be. ;)

    1. What's your favorite color?

    2. I'm going back to Superbre' chick. :p

    3. I like superbre' :p


  5. This is the only place I really belong. Because I don't belong here.

    The quote from reader, "There also were a few parts of what you discussed that I really could relate to, like not having a long-term life plan." My only long term plan any of us has is to live until we die.

    If you have a better one, you are bat shit crazy. Eat your own guano, please.

    1. We can't stop here! This is bat country!

  6. Psychopaths, do they really explain so much? Do they appear in the door and start longwinding lectures? REMEMBER: these people are "mean autists". Do they care about love & people? Do they write long "essays" on these things they care nothing about? Really.

    1. Did you mean "mean autists" or "Mean autistic people," or "Mean artists"?

  7. Socios hardly ask for "meaning", do they? They sit like icy laptops at the dinner table hearing folks waffle about meaning. "-Meaning schmeaning!" they think. They´re here, its now. They like meaning if it pays.

  8. That's kind of exactly how I act, except for the whole bisexual thing; but I know I'm an empath.

  9. Yet again, I find myself reading a description, thinking to myself, "hmm...I hadn't really given it much thought before now but..."

    I guess I identify with Polly - and I can see how a couple of people in my life were treated similarly (it's all good as long as I'm the "alpha"). And I can easily imagine people who know me saying similar things about me (particularly when I was younger).

    Immagonnahafta think on this...

  10. Why do I think that this post is hilarious?

    I mean, is it the writing of an adhd, or the name Polly, or Polly's habit of sticking her hand where it didn't belong, or wanting to have the bigger boobs? Maybe it just is such a girlie sociopath that's pictured here. Well, to call it pictured is a high praise as we heard nothing specific about the 'mean' side of Polly dear. I mean, the girl is so quirky, it would've been great to hear specifics of the meanie side of her. Walking to someone's room and turning the TV to the channel you want could happen to anyone who is on a 'high' of some sort, but combined with the fondling around she clearly is 'boundary-challenged.' I wish we heard more spcific things about this goofy Polly character.

  11. Please, God, help M.E. She deserves better then what she's getting.

  12. M.E. is actually Jamie Lund. It's been proven. Search "Jamie Lund" on google and you'll reach this link.

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