Sunday, February 8, 2015

A comprehensive attempt to categorize oneself

A long email from a reader asking:

First of all, I wanna say I have read almost every post of your blog, and it really makes me happy that someone's taking the time to do this. Actually help us with our doubts and everything.

Before beginning my history, I just want to note that my main language is not English, so there will probably be mistakes with grammar or something like it. 

It's hard to choose where to start, but I'll do my best.

I have had an inner doubt for a few months now: am I a sociopath? 

How did I get to this question?

During one class at school, my teacher was talking about Sociopaths, noting every trace that one might have, and, to be honest, I had seen myself in those traces as he spoke, but said nothing. The thing is, as soon as the teacher finished, my friends looked at me and smirked, 'you're a Sociopath', they said. And I simply took that as a joke. 

It's been in my mind since then.

In my small group of friends, I've always been known as the 'weirdo', simply because I'm not outspoken, I don't get along with most of our colleagues, and always been called the 'cold' one, because I never really showed my feelings. I never been outspoken, but I always been articulated with words.

Lately I have developed a curiosity towards serial killers. I've always had this 'uncommon' interest in things that people usually tend to ignore because it doesn't seem healthy. 

The therms sociopath and psychopath became a routine, but it was more like a hobby until I came across this personality test to see if you're a 'sociopath'. My intention was just to amuse myself, but when the result was positive, I made other three tests like that, and all of them the same. I don't think this could be a trustful diagnoses, so I started looking up for the traces of a sociopath, and it seemed that I had many things in common. 

Since I have been a child, I have never got along with other people very well, simply because I'd rather my own company, but people always seem to love me. Teachers, other students, everyone. They saw me like this smart and sweet little girl, but deep inside I felt like I was pretending. Until I learned I could get things from it. I'd usually be nice to people to get something. Anything. Not a big deal to me, everyone does that, and specially back then (I believe I was 9). 

I think my life took this turn when I was 4, because I was molested in school, but I can't really say, since I don't remember anything before that. My mom says that after that, I turned into this more reserved girl. This was a fact that I had to pretend I forgot for the next 10 years, because I did not want my parents to worry about it. 

Since I can remember, I haven't been really that person that loves everyone. No, I'm not saying I don't love. I do. I love my family. My mom, my dad, my grandma, my brother... The ones that are with me in a daily basis. 

I don't have many people I consider friends, because I just can't trust people. And even if I do trust them, I have never been able to be truthful with them. I'm not saying that I lie about everything, but even when there's no reason to, I'll make up a lie or two, sometimes just to show them that I'm better somehow. In my whole life, I only had one friend I have been totally honest, and that I totally trusted. Someone I'd give my life for. (What happened isn't really what matters.)

I think, even when I don't feel able to love or feel empathy for everyone I know, I love too much that small group of people that I'm able to feel something for. I hope I'm making sense here, as said, my mother tongue is not English. But I love too much, to the point I feel it gets close to an obsession.

Manipulating people to get something, sometimes only amusement, is also something I do quite often. Isn't really something I try to do, it comes and I don't even realize. To mention one case that happens often, I usually will talk guys into believe I like them, so I'll get something back. Information about something I have the need to know, getting them to pay for things and all that. 

I also have bursts of anger often, since really young. Sometimes there's not even a reason behind it, I just get the urge to hurt someone or break something. In the past few years I blamed this on self destruction. 

First time I ever tried to hurt someone, I was really young, to the point I can only remember flashes and what my grandmother tells me. She was laying down on the couch, and I simply hit her head with something. To be honest, the only thing I can remember of this event is me looking at her head and then just hitting her. 

Second time I can remember, I was between 8 or 10 years old, when my cousin was tripping on the stars and reached out for me. I grabbed her hand but I wanted to see what would happen if I let her go, and I did. She didn't get hurt, and I convinced one other cousin that was there with us, to tell my aunt that I didn't let her go, that her hand slipped from mine. My aunt believed me, and nothing happened to me.

Last year, I was camping with three friends, and this one was making me irritated, somehow. He took something from me without asking, and lost it. I was really angry, and told him to look for it, but instead, he sat down and started using his phone. He was sitting in the dark, and I remember walking to a pile of sticks, grabbing one and going behind him. When I was about to raise it and hit him, he turned around and saw me, so he walked away. Our other friends had to sit me down and make me calm down.

I don't think I am a bad person, nor these episodes make me a Sociopath or not, because everyone has these bursts of anger and do things they'd regret. But I don't regret. I don't regret almost hitting him, because in the end he found the thing and gave it back to me. I don't regret lying, I don't regret manipulating, and I don't regret doing things that other people wouldn't. I think the closest I have to feel something about it, besides the thrill, is being anxious with the possibility of being caught on my lies or anything I do.

For the last two years, I've been to therapy. I hate school, and that's normal, so I had suicide attempts and started self harming, because I wanted a way to get away from school. It worked for one year and a half. I started therapy and my therapist would write to school to justify why I wasn't going to my classes. But back then my explanation to myself, was that I had depression. Maybe I had, I'm not really sure, but these days I've been thinking about the possibility of being a Sociopath, and it crossed my mind that maybe I created these symptoms to get away from school, something I hated. Something I was forced to do.

I never really had problems with my exams, so that wasn't the problem. I'd like to consider myself quite smart. I never really had to study for tests, I'd only listen to the teacher for half an hour, and I'd get high notes on my exams. I always been the best in my classes, without much effort. 

Again, it always led people to like me. I never really understood why, because I never did anything, but people always try to talk to me, they always like me. I guess I started liking the fact that I could get something from it.

Earlier today, I had therapy, and questioned my therapist about being a Sociopath. Mentioned the tests and all. She said I'm cold, insensitive, egocentric, but didn't get to the point to tell me if I was or not. She simply said 'all of us have the traits of a sociopath'. 

I know it might sound like I'm trying to convince you that I might be, because I have seen several people claiming to be sociopaths because they want to hurt other people when they're angry, but I am being truthful, here. I have nothing to lose by saying the truth, and nothing to gain by lying. I just wanted to know if I am or not, because for the first time I think I found someone that is like me, and that there's actually nothing wrong with not being empathetic with everyone you know, just because society tells you to. 

My friendships never last for too long, because I always expect more from them, and they always disappoint me. Letting go of them and losing the feelings (sometimes, shallow feelings), is never too hard. The only thing is the feeling of revenging for the betrayal. 

I think these are the things that might help you with... Helping me. I need to get this doubt out of my head. 

58 comments:

  1. How could ME or anybody here help you? A diagnosis does not mean as much as your introspection, which you already started. You might or might not be a "full blown SP," what matters is that you recognize your thought patterns and risks and think about how to maximize your potential for your life. Utilize the self awareness that you are developing sooner than your neurotypical peers to plan ahead, not just to use others, but also to minimize potential setbacks for you. If you love your family and they accept you as you are, the world is yours :)

    ReplyDelete
  2. Forget labels. Start fresh today. The past means nothing. Take this second
    chance. Find your passion and go for it.
    But be supportive of M.E. She is like "King Midas." She has everything today's
    young woman could want-except love. She could survive another 70 years, but
    as what? To be what?
    She can't show her feelings. She has a role to play. I tried to suggest a way out
    for her. Casey Anthony's bankrupsy investigation has ended. She is in the clear.
    She is almost free of her legal entangelements.
    Just imagine. M.E. and K.C. could give a joint news confrence. They could
    announce colaberation on a book. Casey could admit culpibality for her crime,
    but say she is being "counselled" by M.E. It would be a "coming out" of sorts
    for both women. People WOULD be glued. The book would sell like hotcakes.
    The future and purpose would be restored for both women. And both would net
    admirers and husbands.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. uh women don't need men....fortunately we have structured society so they aren't needed, and women can support themselves, and do what they like and want

      Delete
    2. Lol, what is with this casey anthony guy

      Delete
    3. If anything, there are loads of examples wherein women have used men's preconceived notions of the gender to manipulate them. We can use sex, lack thereof, food, love, boobies, whatever. There are many men you could walk up to and ask a favor of, get a "no" in response, come back with your shirt off and have that "no" change to a "yes."

      And if I recall correctly, Casey Anthony was like the O.J. Simpson of 2011.

      Delete
  3. Relax reader, everyone's a psychopath. You're in good company ;) Humans are not nice creatures. Everything has to be faked to keep this whole thing going.

    ReplyDelete
  4. This letter made me sad. She needs to learn (perhaps relearn) that how she fucks, who/how many people she fucks with, or what the fuck she does in her life, is absolutely nobody’s business but HERSELF. A very sad letter for my Sunday.... too long too!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If it was too long and you didn't find enough interest in it, no one was making you read it.

      Frankly I think I'm so damn interesting, anyone would want to know more about me. If you didn't, you're probably a tool.

      Delete
  5. To the OP, a sociopath diagnoses is just a label. Sure it may erase some of this "self-doubt", but deep down you'll know what you are and how to live with it. A diagnoses probably won't mean much in the end. You'll be fine without it.

    ReplyDelete
  6. Is Jeannie from house of lies a sociopath?

    ReplyDelete
  7. unless u want to SHOCK HER

    ReplyDelete
  8. u fuk homeless guy aaaahahahahahhahahahahah u hoodrat

    ReplyDelete
  9. love? spent money? u cant turn a ho into a housewife (thank god I never tried). I spent money to learn exactly what I wanted to learn, not so some middle age slut would smile at me. lol. ahahahahahahahaha (homeless guy that's priceless)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are you socio? Wasn't there a tweet recently about how men lack empathy for women in general?

      Delete
    2. here ya go drw https://image-store.slidesharecdn.com/bc4a4d4f-ca4f-491e-8ce2-32f704dc3e91-original.jpeg

      Delete
  10. hoodrat u r not on my level, if I want u I would pay the $1.50 like everyone else. U get with guys with man titties lol. U have no standards just a going rate. Stop cock blocking u ho. Perhaps u blinded by all the jiiz on ur face, u cant get anyone as good as me that's why u get with homeless guys with bigger tits than u

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So.......that's the best ya got, huh?

      Delete
  11. No, r u free later my dog wants a bj. How much?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The worst part is you're like the 40 year old virgin who talks like he's 12. Where's Jeffrey Dahmer when ya need him. I could put him to good use right now...

      Delete
  12. and ur the 40 year old bi-cycle get it cause ur a dyke

    ReplyDelete
  13. someone with the same name as me told me u have a dick

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. yes yes it's true...what can I say.....keeping sw wierd

      Delete
  14. u blow 20 year olds and ur 40. talk about a desperate whore

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sounds like you're jealous of younger men

      Delete
  15. does urfather know u eat pussy

    ReplyDelete
  16. bi now gay later. u got with him because he is what u want the most. PUSSY

    ReplyDelete
  17. what happen slut, another john came by and had to go?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No I got bored :/ I wuv to pway, but only if it's fun and challenging....with you I get secondhand embarrassment.

      Delete
  18. hey ill give u an extra belt rank if u suck me off.

    ReplyDelete
  19. I hope u get raped one day

    ReplyDelete
  20. Sociopaths were the "trendy" thing a few years ago. Now, it's terrorism.
    Sociopaths have always been among us. You just have to hope that you don't
    run into one.
    The only question is to what degree society is going to make excuses for
    sociopaths. It's the old nature/nurture argument.
    Liberals make excuses for sociopaths, or conceal their activities. This is how
    today's cultural and command structure behaves. (Media, politicans.)
    "The terrorist acts of Islam, are not Islam." "Poverty and racism causes crime."
    "Abuse causes crime." There's no such thing as evil," etc...
    My only desire for M.E. is that she transituation into something else while she
    still has time. Sociopathy has become passe. She can extend her "shelf life"
    by helping Casey Anthony, or she can wither on the vine

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. figures the 58 year old virgin would say a female L-A-W-Y-E-R is going to "wither away on the vine"

      Delete
  21. I come here to see some real badass socios and all I find is a shitty post about a 14 year old kid who probably has alexithymia, and a bunch of wannabe socio-dudes, pathetic

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Abc, I’m not socio, but I would be happy to provide you with great deals of entertainment. I would use some good old fashioned torture devices on you. The pear? The saw? The rack? It’s not completely selfless, I would be getting something out of it too.

      Delete
  22. As I read today's post I realized I have such contempt for entitlement.

    People who have no regret are those who are somehow entitled.

    Who gives a hoot whether it's a sociopath/narc/bdp. You approach me with entitlement and you get nothing from me. You approach me with grace and appreciation, I do everything I can.

    This girl sounds like she is using the past history of abuse (not clear what it is, maybe she did something wrong and got beaten for it) to possibly explain her overall sense of disconnect and entitlement.

    Instead of worrying about categorizing yourself as sociopath, worry about understanding how much work you have to do for yourself to feel you belong.

    Your entire message is screaming, I don't belong, somebody show me where I belong. You belong only when you care for others, the more you seek people who will care for you the less you feel belonging.

    The plant you love the most at the end is the one you did not forget to water every day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sceli!!!!!!!!!! hugs :):):) will you be my fwiend :):):)

      Delete
  23. Sceli, You're right, I think, about the whole categorizing gig as a means to identifying 'where', in which social club, one belongs. Trouble is, most people are a mixed bag, so no matter which group you identify with, you're bound to feel the odd duck in some way sooner or later. Bringing religion or politics usually does the trick.

    Interesting bit I read the other day suggests that those who score really high on the psychopathic scale 37-40 actually enjoy being alone more than being with others. They tend not to want to belong. They'd rather 'be' entities unto themselves.

    As for entitlement: A long grueling walk in the wild cures all sense of entitlement.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Faust, I'm glad you're sane...saner than me. Yes, an astrologer is saner than me.

      Delete
    2. Good morning, Faust. Just to clarify, the anon statement above is not mine.

      I think people who want to be entities unto themselves are a failure when it comes to human relationsips and connection, for two reasons: they are insecure and in omparison they lose, or they are above others (rightfully or imaginary) and they can't get bored and/or bothered.

      So for these, what better way to take off the pressure than leave the scene whene it gets rough/boring, or destroy the scene when it gets rough/boring.

      Delete
    3. Morning Sceli,

      The group I was talking about being entities unto themselves are all criminal psychopaths in jail, so they can't leave the scene, though they do sometimes destroy the scene (their cells). Not having met these guys personally, I'm hesitate to say one way or another whether they are failures as human beings. It seems/looks that way, but, perhaps some of them are 'happy' in their own peculiar way. I wouldn't want to live locked up in isolation, but maybe for some it's easier than trying to navigate through a sea of incomprehensible humans. I really don't know . . .

      Anon, Lol. Depends on who you talk to.

      Delete
  24. Any way I take back the shit I said, what u do is ur business and shouldn't be judged. Now with recent information I have figured it out. Now that the link has moved u and ur friends don't need to try to piss me off so that I bun. But why haven't u left me alone, I left where u were 7 mths ago, then u show up at my work multiple times n then wrk there. Ur not into my "flavour" of tea so why would u CB me n try to set me up

    ReplyDelete
  25. And spread rumours around town that I have no conscience and am a psyco and that I spent money to get to talk to u. The stuff I said when I left wasn't even known to me jus speculation.

    ReplyDelete
  26. There r girls that like me that I'm not into a thus dont care what they do, and certainly don't have time to set them up ( multiple times) or get all my friends in on the action

    ReplyDelete
  27. This is a serious question, do u have any empathy or remorse/guilt ever?

    ReplyDelete
  28. Also if u could answer why u haven't left me alone?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I thought you lived on welfare.

      Delete
  29. Do u have any response to my comments?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wish u were smart but I suppose this will do for now...sigh :/

      Delete
  30. M.E. is actually Jamie Lund. Go search on google. there's been proof. http://abovethelaw.com/2013/05/sources-and-dr-phil-offer-insights-author-of-confessions-of-a-sociopath-who-might-be-this-law-professor/

    ReplyDelete
  31. TIPS ON HOW TO GET YOUR EX BACK OR SOLVE YOUR DIFFERENT PROBLEMS

    Getting to contact DR. EWAN on these details +2347052958531 or via email at covenantsolutiontemple@gmail.com gave me a very huge joy because this details were not just useful but through DR EWAN my relationship that was heading to a break down was restored and i am proud to say it on this site that i have been successfully married to the man that i have always wanted to marry. You can still fulfill plans to marry the person of your heart desires by contacting DR. EWAN through those details above or Are you going through a mid-life crisis for example divorce,miscarriage,can't find love no need to worry covenantsolutiontemple@gmail.com can help you with any personal need.many people will try to sugar coat the truth and give you false hope but not Dr.Ewan he will tell you the truth and nothing but the truth and keep your hopes high and alive so, please don't waste your time and hope on somebody who doesn't deserve it contact him today @ covenantsolutiontemple@gmail.com+2347052958531. thanks

    ReplyDelete

Comments on posts over 14 days are SPAM filtered and may not show up right away or at all.

Join Amazon Prime - Watch Over 40,000 Movies

.

Comments are unmoderated. Blog owner is not responsible for third party content. By leaving comments on the blog, commenters give license to the blog owner to reprint attributed comments in any form.