Sunday, March 17, 2013

Hitting a wall

I thought this was an interesting recent comment on an older post that deserved to be read:


I've reached the point where I'd like to get some help for my impulsive traits. I'm' saying "impulsive" rather than "psychopathic" because I'd like to focus on what I see as the problem.

You could say that I'm a high-functioning psychopath. I'm Machiavellian, narcissistic and psychopathic. 

I've apparently got enough impulse control (and intelligence) to get me what I need. But I sense that there's a gap. I'm missing something.

In the past, I wouldn't have done this because I was too proud. I wasn't able to admit that I was behaving "badly" or had a problem. And I was young enough that I was substantially getting what I wanted. 

Now that I'm middle aged, that isn't happening. Perhaps because I'm not getting what I want, I can see I've behaved anti-socially, and it has cost me. E.g. I'm heading into old age, and no matter how optimistic I'd like to be, it is clear that it is going to get harder and harder to have sex with women in their twenties. And eventually I will die, no matter how much I fight it.

Have any commenters, motivated by the same sense of "oh shit I'm screwed" sought help? How'd it go? 

Like many life situations, I can sort of tell how old someone is by their attitude about things -- even younger and older sociopaths. I think that a lot of sociopaths eventually hit a wall of ceasing to be functional in whatever life they've set up for themselves. Some react by just riding it out until it's gory conclusion, to be taken out in a blaze of glory without ever having to have compromised whatever it is that they didn't want to compromise about themselves or their lifestyle. Others adapt. I hit mine really early, I think, my very early twenties. I think that makes my experiences a little different than most -- more like Magic Johnson's HIV and less like orphans' in Africa -- i.e., my symptoms have never had much of a chance to flare up and allow me to flame out. I am not an obvious sociopath to strangers, the way that maybe my grandfather was with his scarred face and philandering and scamming ways. You probably wouldn't even notice something was wrong with me, unless you are one of the ~2% of the population that does. But it is interesting to think what would have happened if I hadn't encountered such early opposition and had to change. Would I be hitting my wall right about now?

50 comments:

  1. I am hitting that now and what I do for it is therapy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. therapy is for sisys
      (onless you are in there to fuck your therapist and nail here)

      Delete
    2. thank god i'm a good boy and i don't do that

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    3. "it is clear that it is going to get harder and harder to have sex with women in their twenties." Is this the only thing you are concerned about?

      Delete
  2. you back up hit it again untill you break it or it breaks you

    ReplyDelete
  3. My most spectacular trainwrecks didn't even start until my early twenties, though I'd had regular fairly serious fuckups from much earlier on. I've hit that wall, though. Recently tried therapy which turned out to be a bad idea. so I'm trying something new now. Keeping the blaze o' glory for the fallback plan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ellicit, you quit the kind, female therapist who asked you to do homework?

      Delete
    2. why is that a funny question?

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    3. I'm sorry to hear. It's hard to trust or have regard for someone who's only 'helping' because you're paying them. That seems questionable but I was thinking about it anyway, if it had worked out for you. QM

      Delete
    4. Yes, I quit. It was a bad idea. It became progressively more difficult and uncomfortable on both our parts. And I hadn't even told her anything much.

      Delete
    5. Ellicit
      You know what is as rare as gold? Someone who will tell the truth and call someone on their stuff?

      Delete
    6. That sucks. She sounds like an empath.

      I think there needs to be bond for therapy to work and that's not possible for me. I just want someone to point out if I'm failing to notice something.

      Good luck with your wall. If you find something that works, let us know? QM

      Delete
  4. I turned all my rage, anger and pain on myself. I really can't bully people. I think it is the utmost in cowardice. I got ulcers, which I cured naturally but I still carry this volcano of molten lava in my stomach and my entire body.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. if annyone can teach you how to bully it's the narcs on this forum)
      you have come to the right place

      Delete
    2. I do not think I want to bully people or learn to. I do not want to have any sort of discomfort. I want quiet and fulfilled, not negativity inside me.

      Can I ask anyone here something?

      Delete
  5. The only thing this post has accomplished is to confirm that M.E. is middle aged, and that she has run out of new material (this post has already been discussed).

    On the other hand, who needs to worry about a "wall."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. the germans know what to do with that

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    2. No we don't. If my german fellows would have known what to do with the wall, it would still exist.

      Delete
  6. you wrote a psychopath book
    and now you beg with paypall
    not cool ME
    (does on the other hand make you look a lot less like a narc)

    ReplyDelete
  7. ME
    "But it is interesting to think what would have happened if I hadn't encountered such early opposition and had to change."

    This reinforces my thinking of everyone "has to do the work - sooner or later." If, not in this world - then in the next - as the Hindu's believe. No one escapes.

    ReplyDelete
  8. It is so different being white. When I first came here, the black scared me. It seemed so sinister like going into a dark tunnel. Now, it has a sunshine vibe.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Replies
    1. Hi Monica. I am speaking to Zoe on the previous post. xxx

      Delete
    2. Now I have an appointment i have to keep now. I hope to talk to you tomorrow too, Monica.

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    3. I look forward to it, Anon!

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    4. ?<3
      It is good thing you like it that i will drain your ears off. I don't know how you do it. God Bless You, Monica.

      Delete
    5. Awww I have taken a lot from people. In turn, I try to give a lot. It is the cycle of life. talk on! <3

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    6. taken stuff??

      Delete
    7. Love, attention, time, caring, patience

      Delete
  10. Can you trust yourself when the barometer is turned to the hate station and it is blasting. When the fuck do you eviscerate and when do you turn the other cheek? Who knows these things?

    The worst thing would be to lose it and to and never stop stabbing, until they took you away. That is what restraint is for, I suppose, but I have a serious question.

    What if everyone betrayed you except for one person who is long gone, now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Then at least you would have known trust once. That's something. There's hope there.

      Delete
    2. Monica (UP From The Sofa)

      You remind me of my ex in many ways. One, is that he enjoyed telling me how he would "take some people out if he had only a few months to live." Frankly, you enjoy telling people your murderous side. Why?

      Delete

    3. What if everyone betrayed you except for one person who is long gone, now.

      maybe you keep searching and searching for them in other people, one after another, And you cling for dear life to each of them. And with each one, you realize that all you did was set it up so that their ghost leaves you over and over and over.


      You have to stop hoping they will come back. You have to walk around with the gaping hole, edges dragging. How long does it take to stop crying, Monica?

      Delete
  11. I hate some people with a hate that could shatter the speed of sound but I call them up and apologize. I am so schizophrenic. Does a person just trust himself? Is that what is considered normal? I am just hanging on the fence, one foot on one side, one on the other. I don't know what the hell to do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have to ask, why do you keep people in your life if you hate them so passionately?

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    2. Great question. Because, inside of me is an edifice which still resonates with them. I am still caught in the web. I am a helpless spider, you could say. It is a frozen learned helplessness.

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    3. Is that something one can change, Monica???? After years and years and years??

      Nothing is there. No drive in you. Any way the wind blows is not for you. You idle and die without going going going. You do not have a goal, and if you did , the impetus goes too fast. Then you distract yourself with shiny thongs and move away from project because you are "lazy"

      THis is learned helplessness for you. Things always came so easy for you and you did not get pushed. How can you re-parent yourself like putting icecream in front of you? It isnt like u didnt do things well. u did. u just were not challenged well. u did not see u had power to do something u had trouble with. u need to be obsessed with something when trying for something,

      Do that make sense?

      It doesnt matter what it is. in life there needs to be the reward. u do not know how to set it up.

      Delete
    4. ^ Above, Monica talking to herself

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    5. Anon 9:15
      Can you explain in a more practical way? Thanks so much for taking the time to write!

      Delete
    6. Monica, you silly, you are the one wrote it. If you want me to interpret your mush, I will try.

      Here you are, day in day out, shmoozing on and on (droning, I should say)
      about life passing you by.

      You want to manipulate yourself into doing your chores, but you are lazy and get bored and give up, yes?

      When it is something you love to do, maybe it is easier? Ha, That is what YOU think.

      But you wont let yourself even try, because you dont think you deserve to feel proud of yourself for your accomplishments because you hate yourself, yes?

      I dont know what to say to that. You can go look in the mirror and tell yourself you you love yourself all you want, you still wont do anything will you? Stupid cow.

      You wont do anything unless an idiot sociopath tells you you should??

      Well I am a sadistic type. I will not give you any secrets.

      Delete
    7. Is it my sweetie David? You are right about my feeling I don't deserve to feel proud of myself for my accomplishments. I am feeling better from my rage attack on my mother. I think I made some progress in what you are talking about.

      Delete
  12. What is up with clunky layout? |My eyes hurt.

    ReplyDelete
  13. white?
    who are you kidding ME
    this hides from the light
    are you trying to get new ppl is this to go with your book wanting new ppl to use paypall to "sponsor" you?

    ReplyDelete

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