Thursday, March 21, 2013

Getting better (part 2)

From reader (cont.):

I've seen you say that no sociopaths have reported being helped by your advice and that surprises me, but since you don't think that's what I am, I'm not sure how valuable my feedback will be. None the less, I've appreciated being able to read your experiences and pull what I can from them. 

For example, your observations on emotional hallucinations was kind of revelatory. So, in the past few months I feel like I've had a major shift in perspective, in part thanks to you. I was raised with a very rigid view of myself that was preventing me from examining my own actions and it's such a relief to be able to put that aside. A lot of things are falling into place as a consequence. So, thank you.

I'm sorry to hear your friend isn't coming around. I thought while reading the post that he should get a life coach, maybe for social skills, but it sounds like that's what you're trying to do for him. Maybe you can't teach people who aren't ready to learn, but people who are willing and just haven't had information presented in a way that they can understand might be better bets? I don't know. My projects are generally people who are failing spectacularly and they're easy to motivate once I get them pointed in the right direction. All I have to do is remind them how much pain they're in. (I know, I shouldn't say that, but it's true.) Your projects sound more subtle than I can manage. 

I don't think you can teach someone to be a sociopath, if that's what you meant. It would be about as effective as wishing someone had self-respect, which I would hand out if I could. I'm more concerned with fitting in better and being more likable. What you said today about hitting the wall rang very true. But I don't have an issue compromising, not if it will make the difference between winning and losing. It's not a matter of trust for me, just willingness to take a calculated risk, if that makes sense. 

I doubt I'll take up another instrument and I've been steadily killing every plant I bring home. I've been cooking more but I don't think it has the same effect. I'm planning to go to church regularly because I think it will help me be more likable. Other than that I don't really have a plan. 

May I ask what your friend told you to do? I'd love to hear your adaptations too, if you ever have time to write about it. I'm sorry, I'm asking very personal questions. You know I totally admire that you were able to identify / accept what you are and then figure out what to do. 

For me, I've realized I was seeing people around me as either possessions or enemies. I should stop doing that, of course, but I don't know if that's the primary thing I should be paying attention to. I'm trying to be responsive but I'm concerned about myopia, you know. Maybe finding out the steps you took could help me trace a similar path, if we're talking about the same things. 


My response:


Good question. She's staying with me now for the weekend and I just asked her what she made me do:

"Stop hurting people. That's a good start, if you had to start somewhere."

"But I still hurt people."

"Yeah, but you're more selective now. You don't just do it for everyday pleasure on people you love. Like you're not addicted anymore. You're just channeling better."

"What else?"

"If you can tap into the ways that empaths love and understand what love means to them, you can be contented with your offers. Even if they're not satisfying to you, you can recognize them as something that has value. Tell her that there is no cure. You just have to learn other people's languages so you know what they're talking about, you can understand and appreciate that there are valid perspectives other than yours. Everyone wants to be heard, you know? That's why you have this blog."

She helped me to be able to accept arbitrary frameworks, like religious codes, and just try them out and see if I liked my life better with them rather than just immediately dismissing them as something that could never work for me (like my friend who is struggling with is life right now does). So oddly, she made me have a more open-mind about things. I remember she made me see that even small behaviors had longterm consequences. She made me always be polite to strangers, which thing I had done only off and on before. And I liked it better, things seemed to go smoother. And to not play games with those closest to me, to not say or do whatever I felt like doing. I think she largely just helped me to broaden my perspective, you know? Another friend was telling me today that her stepson said that he can't imagine ever being truly happy unless he had a T-Rex to ride. I thought, I can see how this is a legitimate opinion for him to have, but really it's because he has incomplete information about himself and life, so he is likely to be wrong. And I guess that's how I used to be too -- it wasn't like I was wrong in my opinions or they were irrational, but they were just very ill-informed in a juvenile sort of way -- like all I could see was myself and everything else in terms of how it directly affected me. I didn't understand that people were so different from me and in particular and interesting ways. I didn't realize how much they hated certain things I did. I didn't realize how much richer my life could be if I sometimes looked beyond myself. And when I finally tried it, it was obvious and revelatory at the same time. Maybe like the first time I realized that I could float, after having understandably believed that I would just sink.

I wonder if this helps (again).

60 comments:


  1. Good question. She's staying with me now for the weekend and I just asked her what she made me do:

    "Stop hurting people. That's a good start, if you had to start somewhere."

    "But I still hurt people."

    "Yeah, but you're more selective now. You don't just do it for everyday pleasure on people you love. Like you're not addicted anymore. You're just channeling better."

    Wow. I wish someone would encourage me like that. My husband usually confronts me aggressively about it. This channeling you refer to is why I love playing here.

    I wonder if this helps (again).

    I relate to much in this post, and that is always helpful. (I believe I know how to love, however, so I am not sure I relate to that).

    I hit the wall you referred to in my early twenties, but not before I had lost almost everyone that really mattered to me. My faith in Jesus Christ is what helped me to come out of that extremely juvenile, wholly self-centered mindset. But I still struggle so much. I remain aggressive, hard on those around me, combative and sexually depraved.

    I cannot change my fundamental nature, and I am not even sure I would want to, because I rather like myself. I wouldn't want to be weak, even though I am well aware that in the Bible, strength and weakness are in some ways inverted. "Blessed are the meek: for they shall inherit the earth." (Matt 5:5) I am, in fact, a spiritual midget. Maybe that is why I compensate so hard by doing so much.

    I am just trying to find ways to cope and channel. This blog has helped me a lot. Thank- you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Meek is not weak. It is humble. Humility is real strength because one sees himself as he is, without illusions or distortions.

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    2. Humility is a sign that you do not have an accurate sense of self worth. It is not the same as seeing oneself as we truly are; all of us are more capable than others in certain aspects. If you cannot appreciate this within yourself, you will only ever be trampled on by those with the will to use their gifts to rule over you.

      By all means, appear humble to become more likable, but the moment you no longer have any aspirations to rise higher in life, you start subsisting instead of living.

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    3. This is the Biblical definition of humility.

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    4. To be humble means you have to be honest with yourself and others.

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    5. Stasis, I don't think you understand what true humility is.

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    6. do you think humility starts with humility with your self, Medusa??

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    7. Perhaps I don't understand humility; I never saw the point in constantly playing down your own abilities and actually believe in it. The only reason humility has any value is because society believes it to be a 'good' trait.

      In classical antiquity, humility was a very undesirable trait, one generally found only in slaves. They would turn the other cheek when their masters decided to punish them, and would always try to make themselves look weaker in order to make their masters look better. Ambition, the desire to achieve glory/greatness, was cherished and encouraged. A society that focused on ambition caused most people to strive for self-improvement. A society focused on humility seeks to drag everyone down to mediocrity.

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  2. I've found this blog very helpful, though I don't remember actual advice being given until now. Stop hurting people makes sense. Going to church to find god would make sense; to become more likable, not so much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. anon @256 will going to church to find god kill off the emotional hallucinations?

      I have multiple voices in my head because I am borderline. I have to tell one voice to stop beating me up. Sometimes i confuse this voice with regular people who dont want to hurt me.

      I dont want to hear this voice because it makes me feel bad when i want to take risks. I put the voice onto others who dont have any interest in hurting me.

      Will god help me with this problem?

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    2. Yes. God will help you because if you can hear the voice of God, you can distinguish that from the voices telling you to hurt yourself, as they are not from God.

      I struggle with that too and it is awful!

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    3. Monica, my career is one where i cannot let people see me process away the voices.
      I'm at a place where if god is talking to me to counteract what is going on, i start to cry like a little bitch. I really cant bring this face into work atm ~

      will this end someday? will god stop making me cry?

      also, have you heard of the new spray on skinny jeans?

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    4. Monica i have to go now. Talk to you later. Ok?

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    5. OK I am here and no I never heard of the spray on skinny jeans but they sound good :D

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    6. You are crying because you are healing. Crying breaks down the old walls. In fact, it is God's way of doing it, imo and ime

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    7. You can pretend god is there, Brig.

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    8. Monica i dont thonk you can wear underwear with them. Maybe a thong, but you will still have panty lines and have to shave your cootch, too. You'd have to wear bicycle shorts underneath, and a shirt to cover your bum. I think it is a hoax, Bur you can dress barbie in them.

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    9. I know, Brig. but you can pretend until you dont need him anymore, can't you?

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    10. Anon 10:09
      You are why I love this place!

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    11. that is very nice to say, so thank you Monica!

      You brighten my time here, too!

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  3. I do not understand your belief or faith in a god and or a religion. Does it give you hope? No not what. Why do you have faith, belief do you feel it or is it just a lie you tell yourself and believe. I do not mean to insult beliefs or anything of the sort. I am but am but an INTJ who reads this blog. I want a reason why you have faith.

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  4. You can ask me anything. Don't worry about insults. I found God because everything else failed me, but I know it is not a lie from my subsequent study. Look around at the world, nature, your own body. How could this all have come from nothing.

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  5. Hey! This post could not be written any better!
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    He always kept chatting about this. I will forward this article to him.
    Fairly certain he will have a good read. Many thanks
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  6. Sometimes you find God and sometimes He finds you. Your perspective of God comes from the examples you've witnessed in your life and everyone is damaged and is wrong at times. So I chose the opposite of our nature and believe that God wants the best for me, something much more than I've ever considered and not just for me he wants the best for everyone. We're all different and challenged by what we want and how we get what we want, we end up with consequences for our actions andchosing to be humble and not just consider myself as having value has kept me alive and well with open doors to much more enjoyable things life has to offer. Gos hasn't ever let me down but moved me in other directions.

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  7. Twitter Tweets
    "What good is karma if the person sees them self as innocent."

    Really? Do you think karma is impressed or influenced by the receiver? Perhaps, their proclamation of innocence doubles their dose.

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    Replies
    1. Yes, because believing some mystical infallible miser of infinite wisdom and of an advanced age immune to mental depravity and selfishness judges what does and doesn't constitute Karma upon an ever-changing world with ever-evolving perspectives makes so much sense than an individual who is a witness of said world's perspective on it.

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  8. There are ways to help people that still allow the rush of power, said power is simply less benevolent. People who've been helped tend to rely upon those who helped them, respecting their advice and guidance once the results come piling in. Knowing the game can allow you to work around the usual resistances people put up against advice, and can make for faster changes in the individual for the better, making the world ever so slightly a less monotonous place, while still practicing the talent for control in ways that still show results. People in such cases are sort of like rescued pets from an animal shelter; hurt, damaged, needing the help of others because they are too blinded to help themselves, and then there I am, willing to take them in, psychologically nurse them back to health, and turn such a person back upon society who suddenly carries views that partially reflect my own, spreading it.

    I've tried to be a good person, but at certain points of trust, it becomes tempting to see how blindly they'll follow obviously bad advice, much like leading an animal around with a laser pointer. Helping someone become a better person is like watching a plant grow, slow and gently rewarding, where using a lighter to ignite the plant is exciting, but immediate gratification that is as quick as it came. There's pride in one's achievements, but achievements in the realm of life-crushing are seldom as nostalgic as an unburnt bridge you just helped reinforce. Plus, the typical need for reciprocity can have yields for keeping such people around until it's no longer desirable, which, with life-helping prospects as a prior context, can leave you the 55 in a 45/55 split perception of power; the perception of being one step ahead.

    The main part that sucks the most is when good advice has a bad outcome. For myself, it makes me feel as if I failed them in some way, which is damaging to my sense of pride, and I cannot tolerate failure from myself quite as easily as I can from others with reduced senses of awareness, who really can't help but make mistakes as they feel around life blindly in the dark, relishing what few things they can see (could easily have this argument reflected back at me, for in some ways I am blind too).

    As to this whole God thing, the only thing I have against it really is that it marginalizes the achievements of the self, putting it's efforts as if God did it for us. I can understand why one would hoist their life's dramatics onto the shoulders of some kind of omnipotent caregiver, but I never understood why they attributed their achievements to the very same creature. Being a Nihilistic variant of Occams Razor for faith though tends to make it hard to follow such self-depreciating philosophy, since it seems inefficient to someone like myself.

    Faith itself is a shield, a shield that can help most through life, but a saying that's floated with me for a while now, "To win in battle you must first learn how to lower your shield", has left me wondering.

    I understand there are likely many flaws in my perspective, but it's the one that makes sense to me. If some can carry around this idea that this creature that is somehow everywhere at once and yet unable to be proven beyond personal experience not just exists, but actually wants to help people while simultaneously and arbitrarily punishing others when they may have simply been bad people from understanding little else in life, if not simply people who believed in a false faith? Then I can carry around the very views I have that make sense according to my own perceptions and understandings.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. When you talk about neurotypicals being blind, is that because we see the world from a perspective that takes into account things like following rules, emotions, empathy, and what is right or wrong while the sociopath sees the world without these distractions?

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    2. It's more like the average individual has a higher ability to follow an autopilot. In normal conversation, between two like this, it can allow the individuals to go through a conversation without having to press their minds to think too hard, a convenient shortcut of sorts. If not for how readily this could make one for being programmed by external stimulus while just feeling through a conversation, I'd almost say it looks preferable, or at the very least it looks comfortable, easy.

      I personally, for the most part, lack an autopilot. That allows me to mess with their autopilots to achieve an expected result, if not simply tweak it a bit to learn more about them. I really can't speak for those who are overwhelmed by those things in a personal sense, because I am not "distracted" by them, but said lacking does grant me the time and energy in my head to sort through things.

      I only know my own perspective though. I can go as far as making a case profile for tendencies and behaviors of other individuals, but that effectively lets me cover up my inability to just "wing it", and that is definitely not empathy.

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  9. Your Perspective 9:30
    It appears you know little of Christian values and God's instruction.

    God told the one son that was angry and jealous of his brother to "Master" his problem.

    God told Job to pull HIMSELF UP and converse with him.

    Please, do some research before you embarrass yourself.

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    Replies
    1. Because being able to reference passages from the Bible makes your views more valid than that of any other faith or lack thereof. Because reading a story about how God spoke to others totally adds validity to those who claim to have heard it themselves. Because somehow, with religions all around the world, and around 2/3 of the population not believing in it, it must be the right faith, even if certain places may be incapable of even accessing a Bible, let alone Christianity.

      As for Christian values or God's instruction, many people who follow Christianity don't really know it either. Are they somehow a rung above? I know the Ten Commandments, and have a few rough understandings of the tales, but does that somehow make my views on life as a whole any more right or wrong than yours? Does my ignorance to aspects of the scripture make my other views any less valid, just because you think so? Just because enough people think so?

      Have you bothered to do research on other faiths? What makes Christianity more valid than Buddhism, Islam, or even outdated or future faiths that are bound to be developed?

      Am I really embarrassing myself because I don't believe in the same things you do?

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    2. Your Prospective 10:41
      It appears you WANT to degrade Christianity and speak for them.

      "As for Christian values or God's instruction, many people who follow Christianity don't really know it either. Are they somehow a rung above?" (Your quote)

      I am Roman Catholic but in the process of embracing the Buddhist way of life. My belief is that the Buddhist faith is not a religion - so I am embracing them both.

      I have respect for most religions .

      I have not answered most of your questions because I choose not to get in this discussion.

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    3. ^ To clarify: I believe the Buddhist way of life is the best for daily living.

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    4. Buddhism definitely seems more humble to say the least when compared to many views. I mostly question those who live through the idea of proposed absolutes, the idea of answers that are supposedly infallible. Those of more self-realized ambiguous faiths and life-paths tend to at least be willing to wonder "what if", and can carry just enough doubt to be willing to look into and possibly adopt other perspectives, if not outright blend them together.

      Even your response here, shows that you've branched, and take more than a book of fables as your guide. You responded with personal experience, and have come up with your own conclusion. While the original responder may have a more branched view than is suggested, it appears as if the person's views are a bit rigid comparatively.

      I have known some I'd refer to as Agnostics of sorts, who look through multiple faiths, attempt to find commonalities between them, and form a view based upon their own conclusions. They might be wrong, but at the very least they seem a bit more open to discussion than one of just one discipline, since they are open to possibility.

      Delete
  10. Anon 10:15
    The Age of Law has been replaced by the Age of Grace. What you are describing is no longer relevant for Bible believers. We can look to the Old Testament for instruction, but the way to God, now, is through Jesus and not works i.e our good actions.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How is that working out for you Monica?

      And at this point I want to thank God that you are not my teacher.

      Delete
  11. Don't look to Monica or any man, Anon. Every person will fail you. Look to the King of Kings and you will be alright ^^

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  12. Bible Anon Monica reminds me the guy who was a preacher for fifteen years telling Jesus was there for him to let go of his sinful homosexuality. He later found his true self and true Jesus by becoming a transvestite stripper on stage, and later let that go and got married to a man,f inally in the middle ground, sane, and happy.

    So, Monica, what does this example teach you? How many yeras longer will you be preaching before you accept your own evil side and find peace with it in some normal ground. Watch the documentary Protaganist, not that you would, God Forbid, you'd instead go open up some cards, psychic bella.

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    Replies
    1. :) No way... Here comes Monicalogic for you:

      Anyone who talks about gays must be gay. Anyone on this site who is gay must be David.

      Delete
  13. The conversations you (m.e.) have with your friends are hilarious! And it's interesting to see you post what others write to you. From what I've noticed, you're relatively selective-as long as what someone writes fits, up it goes on the site. It's very interesting.

    Also, it's really nice to see that you have such supportive friends in your life. I wouldn't know myself, but I'm sure that as a sociopath, it can be very tough to have to deal with what's going on in your life alone. It's great that you have people you can go to and be honest with. It must be such a relief to be able to put down the mask and express yourself to people who can help and encourage you.I would guess that this website helps as well-keeping a journal or diary is so beneficial for dealing with adversities in life. And at the same time, you have created this community where people can share their concerns and struggles with one another in a safe environment. From an empath's perspective, I probably shouldn't say this, but what you're doing for sociopaths is really wonderful. I hope you keep it up!

    ReplyDelete
  14. Replies
    1. The previous SW regular, Rich the Uber Empath died. I know he frequented this site, and he spoke about it a lot. Just letting you guys know... even though all you sociopaths probably don't care at all. It was an OD.

      RIP Rich

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    2. That just sucks. I'm sorry to hear it, but thank you for telling us. I've been wondering where he is. He was a good guy. Damn.
      QM

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    3. Dear Lord
      How do you know?

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    4. I think that if he did die, people on here can find out. I have his e mail address someplace and it was on here, too. If SW is good for anything, it is to hunt info down.

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    5. I feel haunted by Rich's death. If the person who posted this could come back and tell us what happened, that would put some closure to it. I( and others) would appreciate that, a great deal.

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    6. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    7. Rich died? I am not surprised...

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    8. Poor bastard, i liked him.

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    9. Monica:

      As I said, he died of an OD. Methadone. I do not frequent this site, so you won't hear from me again. Best wishes..

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    10. I have one more question, if you are still there and sorry to bother you, but was it is normal dose from the clinic? Did he add anything to it? Was it a total accident that they gave him the wrong dose? Thanks again. He was very cared for by many people here.

      Delete


  15. I'd like a source of that.

    ReplyDelete

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