Sunday, March 10, 2013

Deconstructing performances

I grew up in a family of musicians and we would regularly go see all sorts of musical and dramatic performances. Always on the trips back home we would deconstruct whatever it was that we had just seen or heard, a particularly powerful performance or a flubbed line. We had been trained to see things with a critical eye and this was our opportunity to participate ourselves in the performance and show off for each other. I used to love giving some insight that would elicit praise and agreement from my parents and siblings. I was proud to have discriminating taste. But I also enjoyed hearing others' opinions. They were teaching me to look for things I wouldn't have otherwise seen, listen for things I wouldn't otherwise have heard. Once I became a performer myself, these sessions were doubly interesting to me because they would validate my own performance choices, or point out areas for improvement -- pricking my pride and feeding the flame of my ambition. And that's what made any of these performances interesting to me -- my own engagement with them during, but especially being able to savor them after.

It's funny, I have always had the impulse to "dish" with people after things. That's one of the few truly worthwhile things about having at least a few friends who are gossipy fishwives.

In my relationships I always have this moment of "big reveal," where I feel like it is suddenly ok to rehash all initial encounters, at the time fraught with uncertainty and intrigue, and give the backstories and internal monologues that were hidden at the time ("I was so worried when you found out about X, but luckily I had the idea to play it off as Y"). I love to brag about things -- how I seduced them, or marked them as a target long before I was even on their radar. The actual dance steps of a relationship are an ok distraction for me, but the true pleasure is getting to deconstruct it all with the person months or years later.

Last night, coming home from a performance with someone I am currently engaged with, I realized the parallel between my childhood performance critiques and my adult relationship rehashings -- I am performing in relationships. I guess everybody does, but my main interest is not just to acquire the other person, but to perform the process beautifully. Without the promise of having an audience (even of only one or two), I don't think I would care to engage.

88 comments:

  1. Replies
    1. kiss from ME

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    2. My undying love too ;)
      Now let's gossip like old fishwives

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    3. have you hered about rick and the poolboy and the cook and his wife and the duck

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    4. i haven't but sure sounds like a good story

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    5. it's a secret

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    6. Scandalous!
      Only I heard it was a frog who could perform on cue, not a duck. The plot thickens.

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    7. a duck and an orange

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    8. ses the ornnge you can't role with me

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    9. That duck a l'orange is one hell of an aphrodisiac ;)

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  2. M.E opens up slices of myself to me. She accepts things I have rejected in myself. My current quest is to try to take back what I thought was bad, but it is only human. Thank you, M.E.

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  3. Hi Monica! How are you?

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  4. Whassup, anon? I'm chillin.

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    1. Well I haven't read sw as religiously as usual the past few days. Today i have time to catch up. I came across a comment from a Dumpster a few posts back.

      dumpstressMarch 7, 2013 at 1:36 PM
      I keep tuned because I do drive. Alot. However, if I see another "car" that seems superior, I don't feel the need to make me better than the other, or take down the other so that I can regain the superiority. I look and admire! Say to myself, "nice, at least they're paying attention too."

      I wanted to ask you something about this because you (and Zoe, too. ) have said you think you are a little narcish. Me, I probably am, too. But it has confused me all the time I am reading here. I would like to hear what Haven has to say, as well, because I am like her too.

      I recently looked up "how to overcome narcissism" and I saw something I have been doing my whole life. One of the things recommended is to start to admire other people. (Then I was looking at a book on 'how to be a man' because it was lying in some guy's flat. BTW, this book was also recommended to a teenager put into a therapeutic environment for being irresponsible and lying....)

      I have done this my entire life. I admire a lot. But imo, It is putting them on pedestals.

      You have said that this thing I do is related to narcissism, too. Iit really? I do not know how to reconcile these two things. And I do drive alot.

      I have thought a bunch about the idealization/devaluation thing I will do. I think i do it to myself. But the idealization never sticks! It never stays and I cannot escape myself.

      Today is a bad day. I do not like to whine, but you do, so it think it is ok.



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    2. IMO the first thing you and dumpster should do is learn that "a lot" is "a lot" . Not "alot". K?

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    3. Anon, I don't whine. I tell.

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    4. Those were fake Monicas, today. Hi Anon!

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    5. Hello Monica!

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    6. where did you go? I wanted to talk to you about putting people on pedestals.

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    7. I am here, back and forth. What up :D

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    8. I am feeling down today. I just wanted to say hello.

      My friend, the narcissist I have, has not contacted me. She will say to herself how I am "damaged" and it is my fault i made her feel bad. It's true, partially. But I dont want to have to explain to her what she does. I thought about calling her because I missed her, but then but i do not want to have to deal with the way she makes/tries to make me feel, or get into a discussion about our relationship.. I do not respect her anymore the same way I did. It is disappointing.

      I feel like I have lost a good friend. But I thought about what you said about people not blending with you if you are in healing mode. I think is just a way to go backwards to call her. maybe I miss her because i am not having a good weekend. Tmrw i will not miss her again.

      Did you have a good week?

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    9. It is ok monica, I dont want to bother you. I am just having a bad day, but i will be ok. I do not even want you to reply. srsly. I am logging off now, good night. talk to you maybe tomorrow. thanks. hearts

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    10. Awww I am ok. Talk to me some more about it. I think there is more you are not saying. I think you care a lot about her. I feel like you need to talk it out.

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    11. no, monica. when i am depressed i think i miss her. sometimes if i feel like i need a hug and for someone to call me "pumpkin" like she does( even if it comes from a place in her so she can feel elevated) i can replace her motive with pure motherly vibes. It is terrible to admit I am so needy when I am depressed. Today has been bad for me. I am blubbering. Sorry, socios. I know you find it disgusting.

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    12. i do not know if i miss her. maybe i do. but i do not want to call her. I will have to go through her questioning me and i will get very angry and make her cry again. what is the point?

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    13. Dear Anon 9:48. Go look up "narcissists who cry". Monica - thank you for the grammar correction. A lot of the time my mind has too many apps running simultaneously, thus causing me to miss a lot of minor details, such as miniscule spelling errors. Please forgive me if I do not take the time to spell check or proof any paragraphs. I prefer the truth served cold and straight up. Cheers!

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    14. @Dumpstress
      I do not correct grammar, as I have horrible punctuation, so wouldn't dare~ That was a fake Monica

      Anon 9:39
      I hear you. I think it is best you talk it out here because you have a lot of feelings and keeping them inside won't help <3

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    15. Thank you, dumpstress. I figured that she was one, and i liked this:

      "The moment they see that you don’t “fully” cooperate and act with extreme concern for them, serving and pampering them, they will eliminate you from their list of “loving” folks. They may even badmouth you and gossip or slander you as being selfish and uncaring."

      I even once thought maybe i was like this. Because I cry so much lately. But i dont think so.**

      Yes. I told her i will not address my issues with her anymore because it is a dead end and tiresome, and she presses the same buttons. She pulled out the tears as a victim. Then the second I sighed a little and asked if she was crying (there was boredom in my tone. I wasn't in the mood) I swear she stopped mid sob and got defensive.

      She put notions into my head for years.

      She said "neediness is unattractive" and I listened to her, and then I thought that it was always my fault for getting tangled in relationships when my needs were NEVER going to be met. She confused me.

      She really does, indeed, hate herself. She will say "I know... i was in a needy mood" with a sad face on, so she can get sympathy. And yet, neediness is so unattractive??

      And she says I am like her. She will say "we are so much alike." For years!!! Oh yes, and I MUST have a thyroid condition because she has one.. But I am not like her. I had to tell her how snotty her dating profile sounded.

      **Only here, with Monica, i behave like this. <I am sorry Monica, but you do this to yourself with me. You like it that I am needy with you, You encourage me to act like a needy baby.

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    16. I saw this phony for who she was 8 years ago, and never cared to associate with her sorry ass. Then she popped up 2 summers ago and suddenly became very interested in me, telling me how she could help me with various business contacts. I kept my contempt for her concealed. I thought that maybe she had grown up. Through out the next year, she "confided" in me calling me her BFF. I thought that I was dealing with a manic/depressive. Then when I spent a day with her in her stomping grounds, I saw Total selfish brat!! Miss demeaning!! I stumbled across Narciisist who cry. Bingo!! I have not talked to the useles fake bitch since. Seriously, what's the point? I don't live on fantasy island! It either is, or it isn't. If all you can see is shades of grey, then you need to look harder. Get rid of the drama queen. It's a bad movie to be in. Peace.

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    17. Anon 7:53

      I have never been as much of a mess as I was when I first came on here. I think M.E has generously forgiven me. You can't stay controlled all the time and break out of old patterns. You have to let your hair down like you are doing, even though you feel weird and uncomfortable.

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    18. Thank you, dumpstress. My friend is really, really concerned with her appearance to others. She has been accused of "self -aggrandizing" by good friends of hers. I think she thought it was a compliment or something, idk. She did not seem to think it was offensive.. Is it?

      And oh boy, does she hate other narcissists. Can't stand them. But she dates them! Or socios, idk. So did i, though. I did never judge her like she did me, with the "my parents gave me good self esteem"

      She L O V E S when the sociopathic/narc bf tells her how she is the BEST fuck ever. She loves how they say:"I like it that you are a kind person." Can you imagine how they get her to gush?

      She threatened suicide and then would not answer her phone so I had police come to knock down her door, and she came out with a cigarette saying oh, no, nothing is wrong, she was just sleeping. Do you know how long it took me to find this bitches address???? I had to do detective work, reverse searches, all this shit, all for her to say "I am lucky I have a friend like you"

      She's damn right she was lucky to have a friend like me. Others were not inclined to stick around her. When someone claim to you "people divorce me and I am the constant" (like my ex, the mal narc did) you have to ask yourself wht the fuck's their mo. Just Sympathy? Attention? wtf for?

      She asked me once why i would not say to her things i thought about her privately. I told her she is not ready to hear them. Tempting as it is, I do not want to get closer and say these things. And now that i showed true feelings, neither does she. Surprise surprise. See how she will not be able to handle the truth?

      i do not have respect for her anymore. It is terribly important for her to have my respect. I understand this. But she will get by. I feel bad for her, anyway, tbh.

      But she stepped on my foot too much. Haven made stepping-on-feet-speech very clear.

      I work very hard not to be a drama queen. I keep my drama inside and for joking only. I know i have done a variation of it in the past. Is she not just another version of me? I mean, If she is kinda sorta, but not really, like me, and I forgive myself, i struggle with letting her go. But can I still forgive her and keep her at arm's length? No. I keep coming to the conclusion no. . She is not an extension of me like i am to her. It is a loss. I miss her AND i have to let her go.

      Ugh I don't give a fuck . sayofuckinnara already.

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    19. The above is Monica's fault.

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    20. I happen to be interested in real emotions and real situations. Kill me~

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    21. She threatened suicide and then would not answer her phone so I had police come to knock down her door, and she came out with a cigarette saying oh, no, nothing is wrong, she was just sleeping. Do you know how long it took me to find this bitches address???? I had to do detective work, reverse searches, all this shit, all for her to say "I am lucky I have a friend like you"

      lol

      anon, you wouldn't reason with a chattering squirrel running around digging up your garden or a dog shitting on your front step. narcissists aren't much different. they do their thing the way dogs and squirrels do theirs. getting mad is not effective. dog and squirrel proofing is the way to go.

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    22. Me too, Monica. ((But it is awkward when there is only a "dumpstress" and you.)) Most people bait and ignite fires here. I am feeling like i am sticking out when i am comfortable staying in. You are causing exposure like on a ....nnn nnnever mind.

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    23. Breathe. Sounds like you have some serious snarls. Untangle that mess. Go easy. Lots of conditioner. Don't pull out all of those pretty curls. Solitude is good for the soul my friend. Defrag! Defrag!

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    24. lol. That's good advice. ty, Mistress Dumpstress.

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    25. @Dumptruck
      I have lived so long in hiding that I do try to reveal who I am, so I can accept myself, first of all.

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    26. Oh. That makes sense. Ty.

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  5. Ah, I do this too, the "moment of big reveal." I do it with friendships too.

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    1. It's so fucking satisfying...

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    2. I do not do it. I do not recommend. It's a jinx. They will remember you talking about your past manipulation! Then they are wise to you when conflict arises and you want to manipulate them back into your life. I know it is true.

      I have several narc bfs and some gfs, and they do this thing. It backfires.


      Only tell them to a good friend who is having trouble capturing.

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    3. OMG you are so easy to bait, you fucking retart. You fall for it every time lol lol lol!!

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    4. @Anon

      Yeah, it comes back sometimes.
      But i think that's the nice point of it, because then you gotta figure out new ways.

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    5. Oh. I kind of like this, too, Mymind. Keeps boredom away and the mind agile. ty.

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    6. In my experience, it only makes them trust you more... Makes them feel like maybe you were manipulating them before or weren't sure about them before, but now everything is real. They'll feel closer to you and like you have overcome something together and are moving on towards the future on the same page as one another. Works like a charm for me. Maybe you just don't know how to do it correctly, Anon

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    7. I still think it is bad to do reveal. For me. I pick smart people with life experience who are like me, very observant.. the longer you are with a person like this, the more they get wise to you. Recently I have a person say to me "OH I see , you are training me to become a blah blah blah" I did not do it so very consciously. But i did do it. I did rarely bend to their desires. Now when I do bend, i look very generous and that is a very nice thing for them to see.

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    8. Oh we posted @ the same time, M. Brig.

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    9. You're English is quite incoherent. Perhaps you should learn to write before you expect others to know what you are trying to relay.

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    10. M. Brig, you are talking to me, anon 10:21 ?

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    11. I guess you are. Mine are the only "incoherent" recent posts. What didn't you comprehend?

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    12. I'm not worried. Don't worry about it.

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    13. Well, you're a little bitch.

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    14. I know. Thanks :)

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    15. All i wanted to do was have a conversation, and look what you made me do.

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    16. Borderline? You're definitely not a socio

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    17. I like them to feel like we are on the same page and moving forward, but for me, I am paranoid. I want to seem pure as the driven snow forever.

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    18. You cant have it both ways. You can't be paranoid they'll leave and also reveal you manipulated them into staying because you are paranoid they'll leave. Christ.

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    19. if you are yourself then you just have to suck it up if they leave. if they leave, they leave. If they want to leave, they'll go whether you manipulate or not. Just stop manipulating and see what happens. You try too hard, as if your life depended on one little person. It doesn't. You are so much stronger than you think you are and you know it. It makes me so sick I'd like to punch you in the stomach.

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    20. yikes you guys make it seem all so complex.

      it hurted my brain :-(

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    21. CEO SociopathworldMarch 11, 2013 at 6:26 PM

      Sorry, Zoe. There's a borderliner up there *rolls eyes*

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  6. Theme for DumpstressMarch 10, 2013 at 10:33 AM

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yun5Kv4kM1k

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    1. So sorry I can't find this. proper link?

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    2. I'm sorry, I don't understand the directions to do a proper link. I highlighted and then pressed "paste and go" and it worked, though.

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  7. Any "big reveals" anyone has done? story time!

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  8. TNP has big reveals.

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    1. Yeah, saw that in the forum, how he manipulates weak people into relying on him, then beats them up, then owns them and makes them over.

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    2. I saw that! He bragged about it.

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  9. I wish the sociopath that seduced me would rehash the whole thing with me so I could understand how the heck she did it.

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    1. She did it for kicks, for the thrill. That's all there is to it. Trust me.

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    2. what did she do, SocioVictim?

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    3. It's not so much why she did it that I want to know, but how. She got me to fall in love with her and forget about my wife. She had me waiting on her hand and foot, following her around like a puppy. I was willing to do anything for her. We had sex twice and then she completely ignored me as if none of it ever happened. She was my boss at work. She had even told me already about how she had done the same thing to other people and she referred to them as victims, yet somehow I still allowed myself to become another victim. I felt like I was brainwashed or under a spell or something. I want her to rehash it all so it will make sense. When I told her that I think she's a sociopath, she denied it. Also, lying is second nature to her.

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    4. Maybe she just told herself she was in love with you.

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    5. And then when she was done having fun with me, did she just tell herself that she wasn't in love with me anymore just like all of her other victims? I think she knew from the beginning that she wasn't going to keep me around forever. Before we slept together, I had already discovered that she was someone's mistress and I knew I could only see her on the weekends but I was already so infatuated that I didn't care. I would take whatever I could get.

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    6. You'll never know what she told herself, SocioVIctim

      I am going to project a hell of a lot right now and also give a speech because idk I'm probably practicing my grammar and shit, I'm up and you're here

      I am borderline, and I have narcissism as well. I'm fucked up and getting honest with myself. I'm not EVEN a calculating sociopath.

      I have dated a few weird dudes and I've done some crazy stuff, yo. I made mistakes, falling in love very quickly, only to see the feeling vaporize, not because they did anything wrong. It is the way I fall. It's like a match on flammable materials, hard and fast and scary, and exciting, and totally intoxicating. I had to learn this kind of love will never last. My Infatuation masquerades as love all the time and I need to talk to myself about it.


      I have felt so in love i would do anything to secure it. f ex: Once i took a devout catholic boy and went off to the library, searching for books on how it would be ok for us to have sex. I gave him a stack of books and a bj and he freaked out and booked.


      I genuinely thought i loved him, i imagined a future with him, and it was completely ridiculous. I didn't even know him. I wanted him. I was attracted to him. I loved this "love" and I was totally fixated.

      I think I even felt hurt but Idk, maybe I didn't? I let him go because he was so attached to his faith, he was immovable.


      What was going on in your marriage that you overlooked your attachment to your wife?

      WTF were you doing, falling for someone else's mistress?

      What did you like about her ?

      I have toyed with the idea of taking what I can get with a bunch of a - holes. But I want the whole pie, now. I don't know if that's even possible, and I d k if i am capable of giving the whole pie.

      Why didn't you want the whole pie from this seductress?

      I suggest you ask yourself these questions and try to figure out the void she was filling. '^L^,





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  10. she wants you back just a pear neady
    sociopaths love borderlines

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