Thursday, January 22, 2009

Regret

I don't know if I have ever felt remorse, but I've definitely felt regret. I have several formerly close friends/former love interests who no longer speak to me. The first couple times it happened were particularly heart breaking. I was just starting to realize that I was different, but reckless about it still and a little in denial about the extent of the difference. To one I even confessed that I had a tendency to treat people in my life like paper napkins -- use them all up and then dispose of them. I didn't really mind being different back then, but I already understood how toxic it could be to others.

One particular old incident still haunts me. I had a rocky friendship with someone I admired a great deal. A long school trip coincided with our most recent fight, and we had to spend time together on a bus. At one point in the trip we were stopped and I watched my friend get off the bus. I looked out the window and saw the person engaged in an impromptu game with classmates. Taking advantage of the moment, I rifled through my friend's belongings and found a personal notebook/journal. I was so desperate to know what my friend thought of me that I immediately starting skimming it. Less than a minute later i looked out the window and couldn't see my friend anywhere. I panicked, threw the notebook down on the ground, and started running for the bus door where I encountered the friend. Trying to distract and buy myself time, I playfully tackled my friend to the floor. My friend was charmed by the playful gesture and seemed willing to reconcile. Once my friend looked over and saw the journal on the ground, however, I knew it was all over. I'd never seen hatred like that in someone's eyes before. I knew in an instant what I had done and what it had cost me.

I don't blame people for hating me. I hate myself a little. Not everything destructive in my life was my fault or anything I would have done differently, but some of it I deeply regret.

15 comments:

  1. This could really happen to anybody - to peek at someone's private journal is very tempting (and assuredly not the worse thing a person can do to another), although may feel like betrayal to a close friend. I sense a trace of conscience in you which I commend. I am a super "empath" who also regrets many people abandoning me, but at least you know why it happens to you and can try to change the behavior. Good luck!

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  2. When I was younger, less mature and less thoughtful, I managed to completely devastate my relationships with two of my closest friends. I regret losing them, though I understand that we'd have drifted apart anyway - they were excellent companionship.

    I don't blame them for the part they played because I cannot blame them. I find the empath-bashing a bit distasteful typically, but blaming them would be like blaming a cat for scratching you when backed into a corner. It's just the only way it knows how to react. I blame myself only.

    For almost a year after it happened, intertwined with that regret was rage at myself for allowing it to happen. For being so careless and out of control of the situation. The whole thing forced me to re-evaluate many of my interactions. I am at least grateful I benefited from my regret.

    PS: If this comment sounds retarded, I'm running on no sleep and can't possibly elucidate my thoughts in any reasonable fashion.

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  3. How can you feel regret if you have no conscience?

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    Replies
    1. Regret is not the same as remorse.

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  4. Because it is regret for having lost an object, rahter than a "real friend"

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  5. This I do not understand. How is it possible to feel regret if not by truely having an emotional bond? What did it feel like to be in that situation? You said it was heartbreaking. What does that feel like? Was it the fact that you lost a tool, a person who would do you certain favors? Or did you miss the personality of that human? Help me understand these basic social interactions I am not able to understand.

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    Replies
    1. Re: Anonymous (September 3, 2013 at 1:57 P.M.)
      I'm curious too. I am myself an empath and this is just an inference but my guess is that apaths can like making friends too and the benefit is how they make the apath feel. They aren't emotionless, of course. Maybe they want someone interesting to know, to have fun with or talk to just like any empath, and that's the benefit. As soon as the apath finds the friend(s) aren't interesting or fun to interact with, or they find the friends have more problems then benefits to the apath, they are 'tossed aside'. Of course, I could be entirely wrong. Again, I'm an empath, very much so, so I could have evaluated it wrong. It'd be nice to have an apath respond to confirm or deny, but not necessary of course.

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  6. As a child, I read a lot of science fiction. As a hybrid "path" (sociopath/psychopath/empath mixture) I am easily bored and seek novelty constantly. I would love for humanity to encounter aliens from other star systems. (It might happen someday, but I will not live that long). The closest I can do is encounter really strange human beings whose psychology is so strange that they seem like aliens to other humans. Three examples: 1. Temple Grandin, a kind of "Einstein" among autistic people. Autistic people are closer to animals than humans; perceiving the world in images rather than verbal analysis. Temple taught herself to translate between "human" and autistic and become a "translater." 2. Sociopath/psychopath people such as you (and in a strange way as a hybrid I am part of your group). I have always felt "different" and "not belonging to other people. Today I am going to a "depression" group meeting. I am debating whether to "out" myself, but I might scare the other people and dismay the therapist. 3. I had a close friend for about 10 years (whom I only met in person once. My friend was a "multiple personality" (aka dissociative identity disorder) sufferer and transgender man who avoided going through physical change from female body to male body by the extreme medical measures that would have been necessary. Those are the three closest examples I have encountered to aliens.

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  7. If the man said he had regret why do people bash him? I don't get these people always having to put others down when you don't even know them empaths and so forth. I know a lot of people that would do little things to try to get away with it that are fully empathetic.

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  10. Very interesting article. I would love to read the book “Start with Why”, by Simon Sinek. I think he has taken a great topic to deal with. Teaching leaders to inspire others is a good idea to bring up a civilized society. Thanks for sharing. Keep posting.
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  11. More people need to be on http://sociopath-community.com/

    !!! it used to be connected to this blog but was disconnected over a year ago. We need fresh blood and lots of interesting things have happened recently (relates to kiwifar.ms drama: https://archive.is/M2tXa) that will go down in the forum's history! Be sure to check out http://www.psychforums.com/antisocial-personality/ too, as some of its regulars are regulars on SC too!

    Goddamn ME refused to reconnect the blog to the forum so we SC goers will just have to spam advertisements for the forum in the comments section. ;)

    ReplyDelete

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