Wednesday, July 1, 2015

Regret being sociopathic?

From a reader:

I consider myself neurologically atypical if not also sociopathic. I don't have any official diagnosis so I'm not sure if my self-diagnosis is useful.

I wanted to ask about regret for being sociopathic. Much of the website posts and your book resonate with me rather deeply. I see myself in many many of the different posts and comments and stories.
I read the book (having been drawn to it primarily because I have considered myself atypical since my teen years) in only a matter of days and determined that I very strongly matched enough of the factors or variables that would classify me in the socio realm.

I struggle with something of a cognitive dissonance, though. And I'm not sure other identified sociopaths would agree I am in that realm based largely on this factor. I can't fit in anywhere since I behave in manners so out of place and abnormal to the folks at large (social, work, etc.)

But I want to. I see how others act and emote and engage and connect and I get angry at myself for not understanding how to do that and not being able to. I have definitely learned how to feign it, but I find that cuts a number of relationships short because the empathic (to use book language) types try to get me to open up and be vulnerable like they are and I think they see how shallow that pool of mine is or see something else that creates a sense of unease and they remain somewhat distance.

In a few instances I've invested a lot of time and energy into a specific person to get them to convince themselves that I am more and deeper and I feel things just like them. I have in essence made some very good pawns from it. The latest addition to my collection of people is someone who I've somehow managed to totally ...glamour. They are enamored to the point where I've had to detach time and energy from them. To the point where I think I've broken them or gone too far. They adore me, they love me, they want more of me, they dream of me, they masturbate to me. I am overwhelmed that I did this.

The latest ...conquest only happened after I underwent a lengthy period of loneliness / retrospection / self-revelation. I'm in my late 20s now and I identified my last couple of years with the "blue" period from your book, where you seem to have realized just how lonely life can be, for someone who has a rather difficult disconnect from a lot of other run-of-the-mill people.

This is getting long, but ...do you, in some ways or at certain times...regret being sociopathic? Do you have desires to be 'normal?' To not have to think about yourself in these ways? To not have to watch yourself carefully and present a persona all the time? To just...be able to relax and be "yourself" and not worry about being chased up the mountain by torches and pitchforks?

M.E.: I think I definitely do feel that way. It's not necessarily that I feel dysphoria so much as a sense of meaninglessness that can started creeping up on me in my late 20s and took firm hold of my early thirties. If everything is a game, then what's the point of playing? That sort of thing. And there is a lot of effort spent just maintaining a status quo. It just didn't seem that sustainable, at least not when you looked as lasting for decades. So I've tried to expand my mental and psychological horizons, so to speak, in terms of figuring out different ways to be. I don't ever expect to cease being sociopathic entirely, but I guess I am aiming to be more bilingual. 

79 comments:

  1. I don't regret that I am what I am, but I do sometimes get tired of maintaining things. I've been going through a bout of intense nihilism. Aspects of my life are falling apart, and I don't really give a shit. I feel more disconnected from everyone than I usually do. I feel like everything is a chore. A big part of me feels like I need a life change. Ugh.

    ReplyDelete
  2. Stop living in your head, live in your senses.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. To cure the soul by means of the sense and the senses by means of the soul. Oscar Wilde said it best.

      I'm actually entirely serious, investing in hedonism seems to be working out for me, at least so far. It doesn't even really have to be over the top, just wake up, feel the cold air of the morning as if it were the first time you felt cold. Feel the anger of someone you intentionally set off. The taste of some good chocolate ice cream. I actually think we have the advantage of being able to completely in a moment in a way empaths can't be.

      Delete
    2. empaths and senses go together, feeling and experiencing strongly, enjoying that chocolate icecream, the cold air .. is easy

      Delete
    3. You hit 100% on the sociopath meter with just one sentences. You referred to what norms call friends and acquaintances as "Your collection of people". That is a statement only a socio makes. ONE OF US! ONE OF US! In answer to your actual question yeah I used to be bummed out about the not being able to love thing. I got over it. I can become extremely fond of people in my collection and they have come to understand that even if I don't feel love my act is so flawless they feel more loved by me than anyone else. People judge you by your actions. Anyone can claim to love but proof of love is what you do not what you say. I take care of my pack. I elevate them. I support them and I am always there when they need me. I act lovingly though I don't actually feel it. Many people have told me this is better than the lip service most people give to their loved ones while acting selfishly. If you don't know I don't actually hide what I am from people. I rarely have bad reactions from people. One of my best friends is a true empath and likes being around me since I am "zen". It is very soothing for her. You don't have to fake it if you don't want to.

      Delete
    4. You hit 100% on the sociopath meter with just one sentences. You referred to what norms call friends and acquaintances as "Your collection of people". That is a statement only a socio makes. ONE OF US! ONE OF US! In answer to your actual question yeah I used to be bummed out about the not being able to love thing. I got over it. I can become extremely fond of people in my collection and they have come to understand that even if I don't feel love my act is so flawless they feel more loved by me than anyone else. People judge you by your actions. Anyone can claim to love but proof of love is what you do not what you say. I take care of my pack. I elevate them. I support them and I am always there when they need me. I act lovingly though I don't actually feel it. Many people have told me this is better than the lip service most people give to their loved ones while acting selfishly. If you don't know I don't actually hide what I am from people. I rarely have bad reactions from people. One of my best friends is a true empath and likes being around me since I am "zen". It is very soothing for her. You don't have to fake it if you don't want to.

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  3. What's so bad about being loved and adored even if it is an act?
    Do you think your audience will reject you because of one little slip-up?
    Then it couldn't really have been love to begin with. You could just say you
    were having an "off" day, and the Empath sucker will buy it.
    Keep your eyes on the prize. It's still better then living the life of quiet
    desperation that the masses of weaklings and cowards live.

    ReplyDelete
  4. Perhaps this is mostly a problem for "the glib gang", the stereotypes? Empaths have their tired "types" too. Many socios have no stamina too pretend so much, they are what they are (but dont say the worst of the cynic things they think); many probably do not suffer that much from this. But "the glib gang"? Well they sure have things to do, all that smiling..

    ReplyDelete
  5. You have an ethics and you like to see others happy. You cannot be a Sociopath. This can affect you in different ways and it seems to have caused problems that are very disturbing to you. You need a diagnosis and then the right therapy that will help you learn to lead a happy and productive life without the distressing thoughts that you have to live with. online Assignment Writing Service

    ReplyDelete
  6. Dear ME. I asked you the same sort of question a couple of years ago, you told me you had never regretted being sociopathic, nor felt any negative emotions associated with the fact that you were one. I personally hate my sociopathic tendencies, I think they will mostly bring isolation, loneliness and despair to me. Love is great and I wish I felt more of it. It is scary to be so detached. As I did when I sent you that email, Carl in East of Eden prays NOT TO BE like his mum, because it scares the shit out of him, and for good reason.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Can you feel despair though ?

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  7. *As I did when I sent you that email, let me point out to you that Carl (...)

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  10. I think that what the reader is trying to say is that, the adoration this person consistently gives him/her serves to further accentuate the fact that he/she does not have the ability to feel attached to this individual; sociopaths like to pretend and ignore this defficiency, but when they are constantly being showered by love, it makes it hard to ignore, since the normal healthy usual reponse to being loved is to love them back or at least take comfort in the other's presence/persistence. It can be quite unsettling to realize just how different you are (even though you already know this subjectively).

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  20. You don't want to open up because you don't want to be "vulnerable" as they are. I fell desperately in love with a sociopath's "vulnerabilities." I could see straight through him and knew, overall, which of his traits were genuinely coming from himself and which were feigned. Even now I can't help but feel like seeing his TRUE self come out and just fucking trust me. I'm not afraid of coming across as vulnerable - I'm the opposite - but I've been battered so hard this year I lost the courage of my convictions. I could not do what I otherwise easily could have done: forced him to trust me and open himself up to me. It's beyond ecstatic to give comfort and love to someone so beautiful yet so fearful and trapped in themselves. He - in ignorance - screwed me over which added to my already horrific circumstances. All I wanted was for him to apologize sincerely. Be honest with me. I'd do anything to see him smile, to hold him and make him know that I'd never hurt him but I can't sell my soul and integrity.

    He probably thought I was infatuated with him. Obsessed like you say. To the contrary, I was obsessed with wanting to see him freed. The pleasure I'd gain from knowing I was able to do that for him is almost worth dying for. I've blamed him for being too selfish to not see all this and instead misreading me (which hurts a lot when you had the opposite in mind) but in the end I don't even know how things would have gone had I been stable.

    My advice: open your heart and learn to take risks with people you genuinely love. You may get hurt but at least you'll know you tried. Eventually you will score and that is true bliss.

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