Tuesday, July 21, 2015

Sociopath?

From a reader:

I don't even know where to start... I have seriously been looking into (and studying) sociopathy. I am generally sure that I am definitely a sociopath. When I was younger I remember manipulating my parents and even my siblings when I would get in trouble. For instance, my brother and I would get caught for something... we would both be questioned as to who did the (wrong) deed. Then left to our rooms... until the guilty party spoke up. I repetitively remember just holding out in silence and waiting for my brother to step forward and admit to it after 24-48 hours passed. I would then hear him getting physically punished and not even bat an eye. I recall getting people fired from work simply because I didn't like them, or because I wanted their job. Once, I came upon a drunken coworker on the job, who couldn't finish his shift. I assured him I would cover his ass, and everything he needed to be "good to go."  Instead, I called the owner of the establishment and told them about the entire situation. He then "showed up" and caught the fellow. He was fired immediately. I then got his job position. I continued to pretend he was a good friend (to his face) and even hang out with him, lying to his face about the person who "snitched." I didn't even bat an eye. I felt nothing for him. I thought that he was stupid and therefore didn't deserve his position, since he couldn't even take necessary precautions to break the rules intelligently. I was better. I never feel any actual guilt for things. The closest I can imagine is a paranoia of being discovered. Such as, while im hanging with these people, getting what I can off of them. The only negative thought about the situation is "What if they figure it out?"  Even then, I wouldn't stress too much about it, because I couldn't give two shits about the guy, and I could probably lie my way out of anything.

I actually hate hanging out with other people. I'm not sure why.... I will be around them, and they will suggest an outing of some sort but when it comes to the next day, or the day of plans,  I flake out. I lose all interest. 

The only thing that somewhat throws me off is my newest relationship. I am in a relationship with a girl that I can be more open with about my darker thoughts. She is very non judgmental... and maybe even a bit on the morbid side for an empath. When she isn't around me I wish for her to be, but I feel like it's that she quenches my boredom. Not that I can't live without her, or that I would be wrecked without her. She goes out of her way to do things often for me. Little notes, suprise lunches... She is very sexually pleasing. For these reasons I feel like I "Love" her. Is it possible to have a "target" and not realize it? I have been doing that with women my entire life. I feel empowered when my "mate" (whatever you want to call it.) thinks unusually high of me. I guess I feel like I want my partner to think of me as badass. I realize that I have been using these women to fuel my ego... when things happen and they have exited my life, I have felt sad... even cried before... but it feels like a hole is in my routine and that I am bored. I cannot text/call them to alleviate my boredom when I want. I don't think I've ever felt like I want them back, unless its some sort of game to me.... where even if I know I'm not interested.. the fact that they dont "want me" drives me insane and I put on all of my charm to reel them back in. Sometimes just to hurt them again and for them to leave. Or maybe to see how many times I can pull this off. 

I am prone to bouts of anger and fantasize about killing people. I was at a fast food restaurant and this woman cut in front of me. She was old. I wished I could follow her home and kill her for thinking herself above me. She was an old hag, why the fuck did she cut me off like I didn't even matter? People should watch how they treat others, I thought. I wanted to choke the life out of her while screaming at her, "Was it worth it?" After thinking about this and realizing that the laws of society keep me from regularly doing what I wish/want to do.... I suddenly went off on another random thought. Completely forgetting about my rage.

I would really enjoy talking more with you... I have never spoken to a human being so openly like this. 

45 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Fuck off back to trolling /lgbt/, you hopeless narcissist.

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    2. Who are you, untermensch? Did i allow you speak to mе?

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    3. You are a piece of shit! I hope you are exposed for the backstabbing, fake, piece of shit you are. Total fucking coward!!

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    4. I prefer /b/

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  2. It is fucking crazy!

    Reading that I tough someone is narrating my own life to me. Exactly the same, I managed to fire 3 guys from my current job using lies just to get ahead and managed to still be "friend" with them. One of them actually offered me a great job opportunity, because in his words "I was the only guy he could trust in his last company", such a big stupid.

    I occasionally hang out with them. But deep inside I hate be with people, although I have a considerable number of friends. I just like them when I can manage to make them show to me how amazing I am, and I try to do it every time, with everyone, whenever I can.

    My feelings about people is that everyone is so inferior, so stupid, that they don't deserve anything besides being useful to my goals.

    I got the same about girls, my current relationship is different because somehow I can be (a little bit) more open about my thoughts. And that have value to me, it is really fun how much insight you can get from your own life just when you talk. I think it is the same as when you teach someone what you know and ends up understanding the topic much better in the process, just by telling.

    I don't see myself so prone to boredom, but I am impulsive and tire fast. My car was overturned twice just this year. And I don't seem to learn that it is dangerous to do so, It is fun.

    Different from you I don't see myself as a anger person. But also fantasize about killing people sometimes, especially when I feel mistreated or inferior. And always with refinements of cruelty. Like making them drink hot car oil till cook inside out and stuff, but this seems to be as intense and pleasureful as short lived, and I quickly loose myself in others megalomaniac thoughts...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why do you feel superior when you sound like that

      Delete
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  4. In my younger years I was introduced to religion. It fascinated me. I absorbed all the information I could and impressed those around me. I grew with its influence in my life. I started to see gray where people saw black and white. My questions went unanswered and the contradictions bothered me. I didn’t want to blindly believe. I began to see those around me as puppets. I threw myself into darkness. I knew I didn’t want this life placed in front of me. As easy as it seemed to continue with the life chosen for me, I preferred to ignore it for the pain of falling into the unknown. I felt myself falling deeper into the abyss. No safety nets. I felt myself go insane. I was different. I had to keep my thoughts to myself. I met him a few years after my transformation. His brown eyes met mine. I was curious. I approached him cautiously. Was he like me, or was he like the others. We circled each other maintaining eye contact. Neither of us willing to show what we hid behind our masks (though we both suspected it) and neither of us willing to back down. It soon turned into a dance. I got closer to him after noticing a button on chest. Can I push it? What will happen. He looked up with a smile, he liked it. We danced some more and soon noticed more buttons. Some caused him pain, while others brought him joy. Soon I was dancing alone. For some reason he seemed shorter. He cried for help. I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t know what was causing him pain. I had only pushed a couple of buttons and pulled a few threads. Nothing too big and definitely not enough for him to notice I was the cause. He claimed he was drowning. I saw no water. How are you drowning? He tried to cling to me. Why was I unable to see the water pulling him down? Why was he unable to see that we stood on land? He continued to collapse. I admit, I should have been scared or maybe even worried for him. I wasn’t. I wanted to watch him. He interested me. He was changing. He was weakening. Or maybe showing more of himself to me. I stopped dancing and sat close to him as he continued to flail his arms around and with his final breath he cursed me. Why did I let him drown? He blamed me. I didn’t know what to say. He was lost in his own madness. It reminded me of my past. I turned around to leave when I noticed a smile. Then I locked eyes with someone new. His blue eyes fascinated me. I needed to know him. I reached out my hand and he took it. I told him I liked dancing and with that the lights faded. A spotlight on us and the music began.

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  5. Replies
    1. Lol!
      My thoughts exactly.
      Welcome to NarcissistWorld.
      Where every snowflakes is more special than the last and the river of bullshit runs deep :)

      Kat

      Delete
  6. I keep running. because I can't accept it. that I'm a sociopath. so I keep running from it. but it's in my face. all the evidence to believe it. but I can't.
    so I can't see, how you've accepted it. you confess to it. you all, seem to be ok with it.
    I'm not. and I think I can handle it, be different, but it's not real. I know I'm conning myself. so then, I try not to think about it, I write comments, and I don't publish. because I don't want to think about it.
    I don't know, how you're ok. because I'm not. I just wanna run. or maybe, I just wanna be the angel along side the devil that I am. you know, be both.
    and I think I am.
    but still, I'm not ok with it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You are who you choose to be, the angel. We all have the potential to be evil, and I'm not trying to underestimate your situation, would you like there to be something you could do to help you be the person you wish to be? i.e. a treatment of some sort.

      Delete
    2. no don't. and I'm aware that I like it, and I'm aware that it's not good.
      I think I've chosen to be like this actually. and I have accepted it. these comments, were only to see how you would react.
      so please play along, I'd like to see what you have to say. so let's think that I can't accept it yet.

      Delete
  7. you "say" it. that you're using people. I can't say it.
    if I let myself think about it, I see that I am, totally, using people. but then I think it's not all that, it's not that simple. it's more to that. so I'm not. but I know I am.
    I con myself. all the time. and I let myself see the truth for just one second, and I.. I feel like I can't keep it together anymore.
    so I've learned, to never do it. so now, even if I want to see the truth, I don't.

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  8. I hate who I am. I hate me. and I hate all of you. I hate all of us.
    but more than that, I hate the people that aren't us, but want to be us.

    some times I think I'm better, because at least I don't think less of empaths, and I know things better, but maybe you are better, for not lying to yourselves.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh the unbearable agony of existence!
      Oh the even bigger agony of deciding to accept or reject a label that has no real bearing on anybody!
      Oh the pain!!

      Oh the fucking drama!

      Did you have your hand pressed to your forehead when you were writing that drivel, oh Drama Queen extraordinaire?

      Here, let me ease your pain. I am 99.7% sure that you are not a sociopath. Sociopaths do not have the monopoly on using people. That goes for the other traits as well.
      The label "borderline" seems to fit far better here anyway.

      Feel better?
      Or are you now going to bitch about the unbearable pain of people rejecting your claims of being a sociopath?

      Kat

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    2. monster, how should I feel?

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    3. Dear Kat,
      I'm laughing right now. your comment is very funny, I like it!
      no I actually don't care about the label. I just know who I am. call it X disorder. so, don't bother.
      yeah it was drama queeny, like I was writing a book. I like what I wrote!

      Delete
    4. oh, and also, you are a bit childish, because if you would know better, you wouldn't diagnose some one on your own and only by a comment, and only by one behaviour that one has described.
      but still, funny!
      comment more, I really liked it! ypu should play along too, with us.

      Delete
    5. And look at you start to jump and backpedal as soon as you catch a glimpse of a mirror...Adorable, yet sad.

      Flattery irritates me and I generally make a habit of avoiding obnoxious drama queens who claim their ramblings were in fact a devious Machiavellian plot.

      If you wish to talk, cut the shit.

      Kat

      Delete
    6. I have no problem, and I have accepted who I am, but for a long time I hadn't. and for that long time, I didn't say anything, but now I'm curios to see if every one is really ok with the whole thing.
      anyway, I'm not lying or anything, it really was my plan to do this.
      so now, either play along and talk about it in a mature way, tell me if you really are ok with who you are, or just keep on judging and show how stupid you really are. actually, you don't seem stupid, you seem like a child who thinks he knows everything.

      Delete
    7. Seven, I have absolutely no interest in your little emo episodes or your see-through, lame attempts at manipulation.

      The fact that you couldn't just ask a question, but rather insisted on all that dramatic bullshit and then called it this great game, makes me think that you are so full of shit that if given an enema, the rest of you could be buried in a matchbox ;)

      I did ask you to cut the crap.
      If this is the best you have to offer, then see you around.

      Kat

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    8. I'm just really sorry for you. :)

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    9. you're like a internet bully :))

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    10. An internet driveler.

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  9. Narccist traits, sure. Im a military man. That has nothing to do with using ever person i come in contact with as a tool in a shed. Carefully filed away to be utilized when that specific skill is needed. By fuel my ego i mean symbiotic using them relationships. Money sex drugs a home.... whatever im needing at that time. Not only for my ego. Thats a part of it.

    Thanks for the feedback.

    OP

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey GI Joe,

      Yes, you do have narcissistic traits. Lots and lots of them...
      The examples you provided didn't really point to much else.

      You use people, you don't really give a fuck about people past what they have to offer you. Maybe are a little manipulative.
      So you're an asshole, so what? Doesn't seem to be much of a problem.

      Were you hoping the people here would validate your self diagnosis?

      What were you hoping for from this site?

      Kat

      Delete
  10. I was merely acting on impulse. The email got published, so I was going to run with it. I wrote it a long time ago. Since I sent it ive been trying to figure out what makes me not enjoy social settings, why i feel i fake my emotions. When i watch others i can read them and pick up on them. Just never feel them. I know this isnt normal, so what better way to open up than via a brutally honest thread anonymously posted? Chains of shitty realationships. Boredom of life every six to eight months and dying for a radical change... just a venting method i suppose. No one would ever guess me to say these things. Thats just it. I am an asshole. On the inside, but in person where i have all of my gifts available... i can be whatever i need to be. They all think im such a nice guy. Lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for that, GI Joe.

      Curious, how old are you?

      The chronic boredom could be good ol' ADD. Try this:
      http://www.sharischreiber.com/ADD.html


      You said you are dying for a radical change every 6-8 months. You would be very surprised how many people feel that way. And no, not just the disordered.
      How long have you been in the military? Surely they could provide you with some excitement.

      String of failed relationships...meh. Who hasn't had that?
      Of course it doesn't help if you are more likely to chase the ego boost and new high of a new relationship, rather than make an existing one work.
      But fuck me, it can be worth it to make it work with the right person. To have yourself a confidante, lover, friend, partner in crime and occasional conscience all rolled into one. Someone who doesn't take your shit and challenges you to be better. I wouldn't trade mine for the world.
      How's it going with that girl?

      Also, does it really matter what label you wear? In the end, isn't it all about your actions? Thoughts and intentions are bullshit.
      So if you don't act on the urge, who really gives a flying fuck if you feel like disembowling little old ladies with rusty forks?
      Nobody says you have to announce it to all and sundry :)

      Kat

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    2. excuse me young lady, it seems my ears are bleeding. can you help me?

      Delete
    3. I was taking my morning walk and started to feel ill. Its been a hot summer and I decided to sit down and give my joints a rest. I felt something drip on my shoulder. I reached up and felt blood from my ears

      Delete
    4. Are you sure all see you as the nice guy.

      Delete
  11. It's good to be able to read these posts and realize that those
    check lists are pretty darn accurate.

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  12. best comment stream in a while. still miss Ukan and Khan

    ReplyDelete
  13. I had no idea a site like this exists am I the only one that's totally comfortable with what I am?

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    Replies
    1. Of course not, but as with anywhere on the internet the drama rises to the top. Not to say it's all meaningless though, I had to do some work before I got comfortable with it.

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    2. @ PsychoSprinkles: By comfortable you mean you're ok showing your face to the world without a mask? Acting the way you want to all of the time? Please explain

      Delete
  14. When I read this I felt like somebody was talking from my perspective.
    It's been a while now that I've been suspecting to be sociopathic and some people I know think that too. I was diagnosed with a social phobia a while back and my therapist suspects that I might be depressed because I told him about my current state of boredom and this feeling of being empty. My entire life until now I wasn't good in getting along with people and I constantly lied to my mother to get something or so she would think good of me. I manipulated my foster parents to think that my foster siblings did something they didn't and because they know that I always get what I want most times they just say they did it even though they didn't. A person I know said that it would be bad doing so but I could not care less. I don't think I've ever been in love (then again judging by my age I am not expected to I guess) but I've had a girlfriend but broke it off about seven times. She wouldn't leave me alone so I told her she bores me and can't fullfill what I need. She cried and I just stared at her and I don't understand why she cried. I rarely cry myself and don't remember crying often when I was younger. There may be people that I get along with (like, people who don't bore me) but I don't have "friends" or stuff like that. I rarely meet people who see things like me... and well right now I am pretty convinced that I am a sociopath.
    Sincerely Yours
    S.

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  15. I am a sociopath. Being a sociopath sucks. After years of soul searching, and self analyzing, I have made progress. Even though I still lie all the time, neglect responsibilities and manipulate people; I stopped wanting to hurt them. I always envied people who felt happy, or who felt anything, and with my jealousy came anger, and distrust. After years of constant anger and turmoil, I discovered something. I learned to let go. All the anger just falls off, and I feel at peace.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. @ Anon: Believe it or not, true joy comes from inner peace, happiness is sometimes superficial and sometimes we fake it to maintain appearances, while inside we may be depressed or angry. As I have found peace, I realized I don't need happiness. Good for you!

      Delete
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  17. It’s amazing the number of sociopaths out there. Word is spreading that our very own Pastor Victor Kim is a sociopath. Although I don’t have a direct relationship with him, a number of people told me that he is subtile pathological liar. He doesn’t lie with no purpose. He creates an aura of trust and tries to influence you with his take on the situation. Because he is in a position of trust and counsel, people would be influence by him. I know joyce, his daughter is infamous for being a huge story teller. Everyone over look these lies because he is the pastor’s daughter. But it is becoming apparent after victor kim’s ouster from remnant church and AMI that it runs in the family.

    Our pastor Victor Kim of Remnant church was recently caught in Adultery. He was in an 10 year affair. This is one extramarital relationship we know about. There is a hint that he may be involve with other women. Pastor Victor Kim is very well respected in the Asian church community. It is said in these articles online that Victor’s wife and family were not too upset about this 10 year affair. 10 years!!!! They forgave him after a couple of days. That is amazing. They wanted him back as senior pastor of remnant church. Victor Kim a founding member of Acts Ministry International, also known as AMI. Due to his cheating ways, he was kicked out of AMI and Remnant Church. He disappears and disconnect contact with everyone other than his family. In additional to the affair, pastor Victor Kim and Eunice Kim has been discover taking church property and selling it for cheap to his family members. Victor and Eunice Kim sold the church property in exchange for a Mini cooper as a gilft. Very disappointing. I along with a few of my friends plan to leave remnant church soon. We don’t want to be a part of a church that was built by a sociopath.

    ReplyDelete
  18. More people need to be on http://sociopath-community.com/

    !!! it used to be connected to this blog but was disconnected over a year ago. We need fresh blood and lots of interesting things have happened recently (relates to kiwifar.ms drama: https://archive.is/M2tXa) that will go down in the forum's history! Be sure to check out http://www.psychforums.com/antisocial-personality/ too, as some of its regulars are regulars on SC too!

    Goddamn ME refused to reconnect the blog to the forum so we SC goers will just have to spam advertisements for the forum in the comments section. ;)

    ReplyDelete

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