Tuesday, February 28, 2012

Same sex cheating

I am always sort of charmed to read textbook examples of sociopaths, particularly when they include personality traits that aren't actually really emphasized (or even included) in most textbooks, like ambiguous sexuality.  These descriptions are selections from a reader about her and her boyfriend (sorry for the choppy editing):


I'm uber reasonable, I like to travel a lot, I like to experience different cultures, most of my boyfriends have been foreign, they bring something different to the table and I value that, its interesting to see life from a different point of view and hear different perspectives. I am always right ;-) but there is not ever just one right answer and I like to have my world expanded by hearing other versions. I like that my bloke presents yet another perspective on life.

Re the sexuality thing, I'm pretty certain that he is "creeping on the down low." There have just been too many little incidences. Also he is always very good humoured every time I imply that he shags blokes. I'm quite sure that most men would be quite annoyed if it were not the case. 

I was chatting to a girl a few weeks ago who works with male sex workers, she said that something like 80% of these guys did not consider themselves to be gay, most have wives or girlfriends, many with established families, I found it really interesting how it seems that these guys are so able to completely separate parts of their lives so that one has absolutely no bearing on the other, quite an enviable skill. I'm very fortunate, have lived abroad, travelled a lot, good job blah blah blah, but there are things that I wish I had done. I wonder if a sociopath is more able to achieve all these goals without some of the constraints life often presents. (does that make sense?) (that's not to say that all these guys are sociopaths or that all sociopaths are shagging both sexes).

I do not want him to think that I am stupid and that I just don’t know what he is up to. Obviously I don’t know the fine details, who, where, when etc. but I know that in general he shags around and for some reason I feel the need to make sure that he knows that I know, and that I accept it as my choice, not that I’m some stupid blonde that he is managing to fool. It’s petty really on my part, I’m sure he knows that I’m not stupid (I hope!) but I just need that confirmation from him, which obviously he can’t give without admitting what he gets up to – it ain’t going to happen.

It’s like I have an internal conflict going on, I suppose it’s to do with society and how we are brought up to expect people to behave etc. Society tells me that relationships are supposed to be monogamous, open and honest. But I know in reality that is not how it works, I myself cheated on my long term boyfriend, 5 times in fact, and it was never anything to do with him. I really did love him, had I thought he would find out and get hurt I would never have done it, but I knew he wouldn’t and it was fun so I did it.  And so I have a conflict between what I think I am supposed to expect from him, what he delivers, and what I find I am able to accept in reality.

I accept it because I have done it and I’m not a sociopath, so I am in no position to tell him off for doing the same when he is ‘programmed’ to do so. I have also always known what he is like and allow him back in my life on that basis, I cannot therefore start complaining later on down the line. And at the end of the day I just like him being about, so I balance it and have the occasional spat at him. It will run its course.

As I mentioned, I caught him hitting on a guy, and obviously he has denied it since, at the time he had taken a lot of MDMA, coke and alcohol. I read on your blog that sociopaths often adopt a kind of code to live by. For my bloke being gay is a big no no culturally, so do you think that he maybe adopts a no gay code to live by day to day but that under the influence of a lot substances it slipped? I’m just looking for excuses here aren’t I, so I don’t have to face facts right? Which is weird because I have dated a couple of bisexual guys in the past, I guess it’s that not knowing thing. You get a lot of that dating a sociopath!


52 comments:

  1. Cheating is cheating. Get over it.

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  2. It isn't about whether or not it's cheating, it's about whether the boyfriend can relax enough to be open about it when she already accepts it as something he does.

    If he can't/won't own up, it's like dealing with a small child who swears blind that it must have been the dog who crayonned his name on the newly-painted wall. Funny, cute, but ultimately a bit tiresome.

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    1. I understand what your saying, but from that point of view what is the point of relationships at all?

      From an emotional point of view I couldn't give a toss whether my g/f roots another bloke but intellectually it all falls short. Ie why stay with one who is after another? male or female makes no difference, and if they veer they are outta there.

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    2. Exactly. Either it's exclusive and that's ok and understood on both sides, or it's open and THAT'S ok and understood on both sides.

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    3. Cheers.. always nice to know there are people out there that understand where I am coming from.

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    4. Her ego is too much in the way if she cares whether he thinks she's stupid.

      Once the cat is out of the bag the other person loses control, sociopath or not.

      But who knows? The socio may get off on controlling whether their partner will go open-relationship with him/her or not (entirely possible)

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  3. I have adopted a no-cheat code. I only ever broke it once... with a girl I had been painstakingly seducing for years.

    When I was in college I used to haunt the campus Christian Fellowship to argue. I enjoyed the aggressive debates tremendously. One girl amongst them did not react with hostility toward me. She listened to me, and spoke to me calmly and rationally about a Jesus I did not know. The purity of her faith attracted me, because she was so strict, proper and modest. At that point in my life, she was my personal antithesis. So I started to hang out with her, and actually read the Bible in earnest. Ironically, I credit this girl for planting some of the seeds of my faith.

    She had delicious curves and flirty eyelashes that she would bat at me whilst blushing and looking down; She was delightfully submissive and openly admiring of everything I did and said. (I discovered years later that she has a thing for psychopaths. Her favourite movies are "A Clockwork Orange" and "American Psycho." She idolizes women she considers strong, brutal and fearless.)

    I loved pushing her buttons. She was deathly afraid of heights, so one afternoon, I climbed over the fence that separated the mezzanine from the lobby at our school, which was situated about 25-30 ft above ground level. I started to goad her and leaned all the way back... then I let go of one hand. At this, she let out an ear-piercing scream and immediately started sobbing. I hopped over the fence and held her, and laughed while she cried. Never had I wanted to ravish someone so much in my life.

    She liked to spend time with me because it was always an adventure. I took her places she had never been, including some of the gay bars I used to like to hang out at sometimes, before I committed to the man who would become my husband

    Very gradually, I set about corrupting her, always using a gentle hand. I flattered her, undressed her with my eyes, let my hand trail over her body for too long, and found reasons to get my fingers in her hair... or around her neck, hinting that I wouldn’t be gentle, if she didn’t want me to be. Always, she responded with a delicious shudder, or a subtle movement closer to me. I loved to watch her breathing get heavy as she negotiated impulses that she considered indecent.

    She was a virgin who had pledged to save herself for her future husband. This rendered her irresistible in my eyes. Her awkward, meek advances revealed a soft underbelly of vulnerabilities I longed to exploit. I literally wanted to devour her submission and innocence. She was the perfect prey, a weak victim of urges she struggled to repress, whose feeble defenses melted like putty in my hands.

    One night I took her dancing at a gay club. I was able to do this because I had gradually desensitized her through a long campaign of shock therapy that consisted of outrageous antics I would perform for her viewing pleasure only. I had convinced her of the superiority of lesbian clubs because we wouldn’t have to deal with so many pesky, lascivious men.

    Having decided that I would consummate my efforts that evening, I plied her with as many drinks as she would consume. I let my hands trail brazenly over her body as we danced together. I kissed her, lightly and teasingly, showing her exactly how I intended to use my tongue later. All through the taxi ride home, I put one arm around her shoulder so that I could discreetly stroke her breast, and inconspicuously nestled my other hand between her legs, rubbing her gently, giving her a small taste of what she wanted before moving my fingers away. By the time we got to her house, she was so hot and ready that she was already moaning.

    I got what I wanted that night... what I had been orchestrating for so long... and realized, firmly, that I am not truly bisexual. I was turned on, but it didn’t matter that she was a woman.

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    Replies
    1. My husband was outraged. Though I had negotiated his reluctant consent in an argument in which I insisted that I needed to “explore my sexuality”, the incident caused a huge rift between us that took years to repair. My excuse was a poor rationalization, and he called me on it. That I wanted to “explore” was bullshit and we both knew it: I had “explored” plenty in the past, though never quite like this.

      I no longer speak to this girl. I dropped her rather unceremoniously after getting what I wanted. I couldn’t repeat the experience, and I was only interested in one thing wherein she was concerned. I am sure I hurt her, but I never inquired about her feelings. The truth is, I didn’t care much.
      Of course, I have no regrets. It was worth every minute, even though I know it was wrong. My version of repentance consists of no longer indulging these kinds of impulses, other than within the depraved recesses of my own mind. What goes on in there is far worse than anything I do in real life, even now.

      I guess my sexuality is as fluid as my sense of self.

      Neither is measured by the PCL-R.

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    2. You're a strange one Alter.. but for what it's worth, thanks for being so open. It would be easy to hold your 'sluttiness' against you but I won't purely because you are so forthright and are able to acknowledge what you've done - thus informing others.

      Everyone grows, right!

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    3. WOW I almost spelled my name wrong

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    4. Alterego had to steal the scene with her bullshit story. Crack-head woman, how big are those cracks in your head? Now I understand better why you really need to be Christian.

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    5. Alterego is a dolt. Some fat dude with no life living through SW.

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    6. At least that woman led you to Jesus Alter lol

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    7. Michael Martin PlunkettFebruary 28, 2012 at 6:31 AM

      this story gave me the hard on good stuff

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    8. Hahahahaaa sorry Anonykins, but that story is 100% true. Wouldn't it just tickle you pink if I were really some old fat guy hiding behind a computer screen! Alas, not everyone is Zhawk. But I'm flattered that you think my stories are interesting enough to make up!

      I haven't lied about anything here. I spend my life wearing masks; to be my real, uncensored, unmirrored self feels great. As I have said before, I am deliberately being more honest and transparent than I've even been on this board. But if it bolsters your ego to believe I'm some old perv, go for it! Think of me whatever it pleases you to.

      Boxers, I was very promiscuous in my teens and early adulthood, but I was never called a slut, because I was tough, and sexually aggressive: I called the shots. I only ever violated my marriage covenant that one time, and I admitted it to my husband immediately, because I respect him far too much to lie about something so important. Instead, I chose to face the consequences like a big girl. It was worth it. :)

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    9. Theme Song for Altergo's Christian girlfriend

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    10. this alterego story was completely made up and fabricated.

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    11. Tears for your HappinessFebruary 28, 2012 at 12:11 PM

      "Before I Comitted to the man who Ultimately became my Husband"

      I laughed so hard I'm incontinent.


      Girl--

      1. Tequila
      2. Gay Porn
      3. Gorgeous Gay Friend
      4. ?
      That he chooses not to invite you to participate in the full scope of his sexuality is linked to your intelligence in one respect. You made that connection. Just drop the little guy off in the deep end and see if he swims.

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    12. incontinent ROARING

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    13. Okie dokie anon.
      I *love* that you think my real life is so tantalizing that your first impulse is to dismiss it as a fabrication! You must have led a pretty boring life.
      Jealous, much?
      :)
      Go do something thrilling or risky. You clearly need stimulation, and I am not being facetious with you. Come to think of it, you're probably zwak! That would explain your envious reaction to a relatively tame story.

      Feel free to ask me any questions. If I am lying, and you are intelligent, you should be able to fetter out the truth, right? Besides, I am sitting a waiting room right now, so I have some time to kill. :)

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    14. You know what is funny Alterego? You were attracted to Christianity long before you even knew that you were being drawn to Jesus.

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    15. That was incredibly sexy, Alter. You sure have a way with words. :D

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  4. Oh and What's happened to Raven?

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  5. Nice, now SW is available on mobile. Gj ME.

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    Replies
    1. I don't know how I will contain my excitement.

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    2. Raven/Eden was the biggest downer SW ever had. Why even mention her name he he

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  6. Humans are not meant to be in relationships, let along fucking the same person on a routine basis. No animals on the planet do that but us.

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    1. Not true. Many Bird species do.

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    2. Not like how humans do "b" but I guess you know more than what is already know as a fact.

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    3. Biologically, we are animals and no animals are meant to be monogomous, we are meant to procreate and spread out species.

      However, society has taught us that we need to be monogomous.

      I am married and my husband and I are monogomous, but I dont look down on people who arent. Its their choice, their life, and what works for them might not work for you but that doesnt mean its wrong.

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    4. I think we are sexual animals in general, but men need the security of knowing a child is his, and the woman needs material security. But I have seen enough men and women to know that polygamous activity is rife.

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    5. Only 3 to 5% of species are monogamous and they still cheat.

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    6. This is idiotic. What's natural, one might argue, is whatever exists, but everything that occurs is a variation of human behavior.

      This view is biologically reductionist. You can try to reduce every single facet of human behavior and emotion to biological function, but it's irrelevant. We have the ability to decide to transcend biology or whatever you think evolution has set for us. I mean, hell, if we didn't, we'd be shitting outside, acting like the kids from Lord of the Flies, and generally not co-existing in society.

      People have emotions, especially jealousy and "love," that make open relationships difficult. I've never seen one in my life that worked. Not that I have a problem with them as long as both parties are honest. But you're really trying to simplify this. This is a common excuse people give for cheating, and it reeks of lack of self-control. If people want to act like mindless animals, then that's how they deserve to be treated.

      And not all people cheat for sexual reasons, necessarily. Look up the naturalistic fallacy. What's natural isn't necessarily what's best.

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  7. This reader screams 'I am stupid' in every remark and believes that she would not be considered stupid if she can show that her stupidity is by choice and then expects a man to validate that she is not stupid.

    If you are a woman reading this read her story enough many times to grasp the concept that your not being idiot is completely determined by your actions and by your own validation. Stop elevating every guy you shag to that 'daddy' or 'God' status.

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  8. I like sniffing

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  9. Secondary psychopaths do have social emotions. So what are the emotions you experiance as a secondary psychopath. And call the PD whatever you like, that is not important to me, what is is what you feel or experiance.

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  10. Is the Ohio shooter a secondary psychopath?

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  11. Yay! Mobile-friendliness! Maybe now all the fun people'll finally return! :D

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  12. Does anyone recognize this letter? ME used it before, but left out the homosexual elements.

    DL isn't just for sociopaths. It is for anyone who tries to maintain a certain image in our schizophrenic puritanical/hedonistic culture.

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  13. Little Miss PerfectFebruary 28, 2012 at 9:19 AM

    I hate when people have bad grammar/can't spell! It's a big turn off! I also hate arrogance. Nobody is better than anybody.

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    Replies
    1. Nobody is better than anybody.

      Yet it is perfectly ok for you to attack those who may not have had the same educational opportunities as most of us?

      The word hypocrisy springs to mind.

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    2. Actually, no one being better than others is one of those trite, saccharin cliches that people like to regurgitate ad nauseum.
      I have never understood it.
      Actually, it strikes very similar to one saying, "Every one is Special."
      If that were true, it negates the entire meaning of the word as well as society's world. Think about it. Then, maybe face the simple fact there are people better than others. Many whom are elite in this way can't help it & won't change their stance to spare your, or any other blind optimist's rose-colored feelings. It is just the
      way things are. There's no need to debate this, but try if you like.Some are excellent at any particular thing than another...comes easy for them too.Few are stellar specialists in critical thinking. Many (though not all)are better at being utter dunces. It all depends, as these banal phrases serve to do nothing but
      aid in Jon/Jane Q. Public's cessation of thought. It's working: as it seems to have worked well with you, Little Miss Perfect.

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  14. me=one brave girle?

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  15. Men like sex with other men because a) since the standard sexist male thinks women are beneath him it means he is dominating a man, who should be his "equal" b) he's horny and other men offer sex without entanglements c) he's queer or some mix of the above.

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  16. A lot of men are capable of separating sex from their everyday life. So can a lot of women, but it is mostly a guy thing. And it's especially a repressed homosexual guy thing. We live in a society that pathologizes sexuality and we pretend to be shocked every time we catch a celebrity cheating. They even had a South Park episode about it.

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  17. Yeah, it is mostly a guy thing. And see, this is why I think a lot of men seem to think that the women who can do it are sluts and cheating. We have to constantly reassure some guy he isn't a fuck toy? Yeah, it's not cute when they do that. Then we have to start taking care of their feelings like their Mommy did. Ugh.

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  18. You's one black kettle, girl.

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  19. Anon said that Alter's story about the girl he seduced was fabricated.

    I think Alter was telling his truth. Why? That is exactly how my sociopath friend bed women who plays hard to get with him. My friend would timely weave his web - no matter how long it takes - until the female just give in to his strong seduction like when a lion caught its prey. Some sociopaths are experts when it comes to women. They know how a woman's body works and hence it is not hard for them to get what they want. My friend likes fresh meat, therefore he would have sex with the same female no more than about 2 - 3 times max. Like Alter he led a promisuous life as a teenager. At 26 yrs old now he has slowed down drastically, having sex just once in a while. However, he has had sex with over 30 females from his teens years up. They ranged from teenage, married, unmarried, divorced, grannies, females with boyfriend, professionals, just about any female he likes.

    Most of his target were women with living with boyfriend. One day I watched him in a casual conversation with a female he met for the first time and within 2 minutes her got her number. He does it all the time using his charm and nobody suspects.

    I called him a sex addict although he targets women for the fun of it at times. Sometimes he ask them for sex and they consent but he doesn't show up. Power seeker.

    He even seduced his buddy but they just played around with a little kissing, carressing and fondling until he didn't like it anymore or so he claimed.

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