Friday, February 18, 2011

Guest Post: Origins

The other day I was thinking how I got here. I'm not the rearview mirror type, unless its the latter part of my life where I have been successful and happy. I can always look back on past successes as well.
When I was in five I started my path of destruction. I would say it was a reaction to the situations I went through. That may be an excuse.
In elementary school the kids four or five grades above us picked on the new kids. I have always had a lot of pride, and did not accept this treatment. After a few months I recruited another kid to help out against these idiots. They got mad that I would fight back so they started rat packing me. One day I set a trap. I remember it because it was significiant. I went on the swings and went over their imposed time limit on purpose. They, of course, tried to grab me off the swing and I lept off over them. My friend ran over and punched one in the head, then we ran to the slides. I went up the slides and one followed. When I slid down it I grabbed a rock I had at the bottom. As the kid came down the slide after me I took the rock and smashed it in his face. He was bloody. I remember feeling bad. I know I did because I can remember feeling sorry for him. It's the only time when I have done violence to someone and felt bad about it.
The principal called a meeting with my parents and told them about what happened. My parents defended my action. They told the principal that I would come home with bruises and skinned knees. The principal asked why I hadnt gone to them to begin with. My father told them that he raised us to handle our own problems.
The next year went by and I had this new teacher. I didnt like her. She handed out tons of homework. She also heard about my previous years trouble and singled me out, in my opinion. Towards middle of the school year I got the kids together and told them that we needed to get this lady out of there. I told them to go home to their parents and tell them that she was verbally abusive and sometimes she got physical. The parents ended up coming in as planned with stories of abuse by the kids. With this many kids how could it not be true? She was fired.
My home was oppression. I remember how much I hated it. My father did not drink. He didnt do drugs. He was a hard man reguardless, and a religious zealot. He would turn us against each other using collective punishment to try to get us to snitch on each other. He would beat us sometimes so badly we couldnt go to school the next day because he didnt want them to see the lacerations and bruises. One time he broke down crying, because he lost it and beat my older brother really bad. He was a good man despite these things. Very loyal and very family oriented. Sometimes he would just lose control like he was someone else. Like he was possessed by a demon.
When I reached my teens I went crazy. I will say that now, because looking back it was madness. I created my own world around myself where I was in charge. I started living it. I fought anyone in school that would fight. I started vandalising anything outside my neighborhood. I lit dumpsters on fire next to businesses. Soon I lit businesses on fire next to dumpsters.
I learned how to make an explosive out of acid. I wont go into how to make it, but its very simple. I had a plan to throw it into a grocery store. I dont know why I did and I can't remember what justification I had, but everything in my mind was for the greater good. I was testing it in my backyard when the neighbor called the police. My parents were gone and I didnt answer the door when the police came. I told my brother not to let them in, but he did anyway. He was later beaten for that by my father. The police arrested me for my first felony.
This is where my parents feel I lost my way. In fact to this day they blame my brother for ratting to the police about me having harmless fun. They think if it wasnt for the day I was put in the system I would have never turned out like this. They had no clue of what I was planning to do after I tested it out in the backyard.
Juvienielle hall and probation thwarted plans to do my grocery store thing. I now entered high school with a record and the administration watching me closely. I continued fighting my way through school reguardless where they couldnt see it.
One fight this kid got the best of me. I got angry. I pulled a knife out of my pocket and the kid told me to use it thinking I wouldnt. I went to stab him and he moved enough to where it stabbed into his arm instead of his chest. I didn't feel bad about it at all. He panicked and stumbled back tripping himself on the ground. I told him to tell his friends next time it wouldnt be in the arm.
One thing led to another. Some guy got brave and came up to me during shop. He told me if I ever tried to stab him he would take the knife and stick it up my arse. I didnt stab him. I grabbed the piece of wood I was working on and beat him. I saw red. I felt taken over. I knew then how my father felt. They pulled me off him and he was a mess. I was arrested again.
The next year I had my own little crew. They looked up to me. We caused all kinds of trouble I wont get into. One day I told them that this business, a pornography store, was a closet child molesting front. I said this because one of the kids confided in me that he had been abused. He was fuming. I just wanted to burn something down.
One morning him and another kid came to my window and knocked on it. I looked out my curtain and opened my window. They told me to come outside they had a surprise for me. I came out. They told me they thew molotov cocktails on the roof of the business. I was surprised they did it without me. They wanted me to come check out their work.
I ended up going down there with them against my good judgement. The business had a drainage ditch next to it that we used to get away from the police, and as a shortcut to school. We approached from there. When we arrived the business was still standing. Unharmed. One of the stupid kids climbed the fence into the razor wire and cut himself up trying to look on the rood for damage. Meanwhile, someone with a cell phone was there calling someone and looking straight at us. I knew he had to be calling the police. I tore my shirt and wrapped it around my friends hands that got cut by the wire. I told them to run. The police were quick. They cut us off on all sides. They drew their guns and I surrendered. I was once again in custody.
They tried to pin me as the ring leader. They had no evidence and despite one of them informing on me the other stayed loyal. He said I had nothing to do with it, and I was let go.
My home life was already a nightmare. My father got crazier. I felt overwhelmed. I didnt care about life. I wasnt suicidal, but I didnt care about living. I sat in my room and I remember everyday feeling life their was a brick in my chest. One day I took that brick out and chucked it at the world. I'm not about self preservation until the moment I need to preserve my life. I set myself on fire and use other people to put out the flames.
My father went ballistic about the fire. I decided it would be best to get out of there. At fifteen I grabbed some money I saved over the summer working construction and set out on my own.......

To be continued..

80 comments:

  1. What was the felony charge for messing about with acid?

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  2. What is this? A start at a long, boring novel, fed down? How long do you expect the attention span to be here? WHo has patience for this bird?

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  3. that's why they posted it a day early, so we have time to read it all...

    over eagerness is hot! :)

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  4. why is violence glorified all the time. I thought we were trying to show the other side of sociopathy. Knumbskulls like this give us a bad name.

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  5. Violence and psychopathy go hand in hand.

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  6. Someones mad about getting double posted.

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  7. Write your own blog. This is your life story, one we've heard a hundred times before. There is nothing interesting, insightful or new here as far as I can see. Make a drama-documentary or something, people would like that, they'd find it thrilling or disturbing or something and you'd make some money.

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  8. UKan, (Yesterday at 1:35 pm)

    I understand what you said.

    As for pragmatism, you may have misunderstood me. I was referring to lying to save your ass, in my understanding I do this because it's practical. It has nothing to do with other kinds of lying that I may at times engage in.

    I can understand your position towards the individual M.E. cites when you've been following for as long as you say. To me it's somewhat new still, and I couldn't tell from what was said in that mail.

    As for schizoids and sociopaths being mistaken - or rather, mistaking themselves, yes, absolutely, it happens. I've actually seen an article by a psychologist who theorizes a Sociopath sub-group that in his theory would be supposedly schizoids too.

    Not sure if I didn't come across something of that nature in a book also - but don't hang me up on it.

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  9. I just finished reading Life After Genius. Other than the concluding chapters the book is excellent to teach your teenager nephew/niece how a sociopath junior can manipulate a genius/16 year old freshman with a naive and' trusting what he believes' type attitude. It's written by a woman who did have a genius father, and it was her attempt to understand how things got out of hand for her father. The book was written over ten years and at time felt like too much of the book knowledge on socios is exemplified, but still it's a good read particularly for mature high school kids. I wish I read it before I went to college.

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  10. NTP, are you serious?

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  11. I don't know what to say about this guy's story. It's true it's a story that many know hundreds of - if from nowhere else then from jail and other correction facilities.

    But to those who say M.E. shouldn't post negative and violent/criminal stories about Sociopaths: Guys, if this is to be 'real' and believable, he's doing right in getting all the way around.

    No one's going to believe that because there're sociopaths who are successful non-violent businessmen that they haven't made trouble at some point in their lives.

    His blog (like mine) is a journey in getting to know more, understand more (he's attested to this in earlier posts), and as such posts like this one belongs in the lot.

    Can't all be fun and glamor. Live with it, tomorrow is another day, maybe there'll be something to your liking then.

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  12. Let's hear some more stories in here. More stories and more ridicule.

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  13. I don't have a short attention span and find that the writer is being honest not boasting. Also maybe he is leading up to a point.

    Maybe the problem comes to some because it's not about them and can't stand the focus to be on someone else.

    Just once in awhile give us a break with your foolish shit comments.

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  14. Actually I agree with Jason. Go for it Ukan, start.

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  15. I sat in my room and I remember everyday feeling life their was a brick in my chest. One day I took that brick out and chucked it at the world. I'm not about self preservation until the moment I need to preserve my life.

    It's poetic. It's the "my shit is beautiful" way to get attention. Nothing wrong with that. I know I read it.

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  16. Then I missed it. Do it again.

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  17. UKan is too much of a sociopath to listen to you Kesu.

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  18. That or he doesn't have a story.

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  19. Go back and read it you knob. I don't march to your beat. Tell us something besides your ridiculous theories. So far all you've done is bore people with your useless banter.

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  20. Hey Jason.

    I don't know why you beat yourself up btw. It always seems greener on the other side but believe me it can really suck which ever way you're looking.
    Just cos you're aspie it doesn't mean that socios are better off than you and don't listen if someone tells you that. Some people just like to pound on anyone.

    Just saying. :)

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  21. @Ukan Give me a link then. I'm far to lazy to go look for it myself. On another note do you only have one story? Really? Just one? Surely someone like you has to have many stories.

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  22. When you decide to be something other then a non factor I will send you a link. Till then you are another floater in the toilet with absolutely nothing to say. You are avoiding putting anything out there because you're nothing. I put stuff on here for three years. I don't do reruns for every nerd that walks in.

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  23. @Ukan't What is this for you anyways? I mean why come on here in the first place? What do you want from this? We are all empty shells for the most part. Happy as long as we are getting what we want from who we want to get it from. None of us get trophies for our shelves here. Behind the fictions we create whats really there? I don't feel anything personally. There is no grand scheme. Sure there are things I am compelled to do, the kicks I get and which ever way I get them. It is all just boredom. I move from one thing to the next. Putting three years into something though. I can't even imagine caring enough to do that. Obviously you do though. It is what it is I guess. I've been drinking and my lips are looser then normal.

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  24. I love this simple minded argument and attempt at manipulation, and seen it enough. I'd hazard to guess UKan has seen it quite a bit more.

    It has all the elegance of the elephant man, and solid foundation of a sand castle, with a touch of shallow nihilism just to make you sound even more obnoxious.

    Don't pretend to represent and know "us", as these "hollow shells", as if you could speak for me, or him, or anyone else here. You're just a pseudo-intellectual twat that has no drive and no lust for life. You're not being sociopathic, you're just a failure with a void you can't fill, and you decided to grab a label so it all makes sense. Pathetic.

    And just to stay on topic, if you don't understand the concept of territory, you really are the fool I've suspected. The people who come here, for who this place holds anything of meaning, don't come here to weave fictions, unlike you. This is one of the few places I get to be me, and say what's really on my mind.

    So do us all a favor and drop your scalding hot "indie coffee shop" coffee on your mac and your crotch, to eliminate your hipster-scum babble and your ability to procreate.

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  25. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  26. Bla bla bla. You are stupid. Bla bla bla. That is not how I feel. Bla bla bla. I can be me here. Bla bla bla. Insult of some other various color. If the description doesn't fit then wtf ever. Replace we with me and be happy. I know I am. This is just some stupid rant. In all seriousness why not start writing on a PETA forum or something. Sociopaths are suppose to be so unattached and unemotional yet I see emotions running rampant. A sense of community in people who are suppose to be un-socialized... You great each other. You get to know the ones who post regularly. You gain some type of acceptance. Whats the difference between this and any other forum. Lets say the Fans of Hello Kitty who are Adult Males. Or homosexuals anonymous. Whatever. Did you just choose this because you wanted to be around people who also call themselves Sociopaths? It is like this place is a mecha when you talk about it. The hell is sacred? I genuinely ask because I really don't get it. Call me stupid moronic retarded whatever you wish but isn't my position the same way you look at "norms". You really wanna surprise me then give me a real logical reason. Well detailed well thought out explanation. I don't expect anything other then some satirical post from you where you try to mock me, say that I am not this or that, and lament on how I could never understand. I obviously don't care about the label just like I don't care to insult you. Drunken rant finished.

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  27. I like chicken. Seriously. That shit is tasty.

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  28. Can someone post something more practical such as how to pick comb locks?

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  29. Are there sociopathic sperm/egg donors? It seems a perfectly lazy way to make a living..

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  30. What is a comb lock?

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  31. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  32. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  33. Kesu you can ask me about the dynamic with my ex if you're interested. I won't press you about your other disorder.

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  34. You just outed yourself for the idiot you are. You don't know and here you were, parading around like you do were one of us.

    You tell us sociopaths fit into this and that cookie cutter. Care to show me your armchair doctorate?

    Not only do you NOT know what you're talking about, you have the gall to insult me, and then ask me to correct you.

    You reeked of poorly hidden lies since you first grabbed your moniker. Did you really think you could parade here without being noticed?

    Just another wannabe. If you wanted to know about this spectrum, you should have asked. Not donned the Dunce cap and cast judgment from a crumbling pedestal. Run away into the safety of being anonymous once more, swine.

    I have an abundance of emotion, and that emotion is anger. Drink from my overflowing cup, and be graced by its generosity. May you choke in it.

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  35. Did his moniker scream when it was grabbed? I do hope it wasn't scared of being kidnapped or hurt.

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  36. It's ridiculous when people say sociopaths have no emotions, we have plenty of them, but they come in the form of envy, rage and greed. I don't get how some professionals think we have no emotion, it's more of a I don't care rather than I can't care.

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  37. Your circular psycho babble is putting me to slee...

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  38. There is no professional that says sociopaths are unemotional. Everyone has emotions. That's why I knew you were playing the role. Your not the first robot in here. Nobody owes you logical explanations you are diverting the questions asked of you. You're new, not us. You are the one going against the grain you fucking guber not anyone else here.
    Does that compute? What you are trying to act like is not real. A person doesn't exist that walks around talking like a robot.
    You walked into this group and started posting boring dribble about your robothology, now you are mad about being bullied on a sociopath site. Yet here you are hanging out with us trying to fit in. You stick out like a sore thumb you stupid cunt. When you walk in a sociopath site with a bunch of sociopaths and they are telling you your wrong about sociopaths who do you think is going to know better? The cheese that stands alone? You know why I singled you out? I fucking smelled your weakness and it makes me want to vomit. There's a emotion for you: Contempt.
    You don't need to drink to have loose lips. Cut the fucking act and tell us who you really are. What caused you to come here and take abuse? What actions did you do to make you know you were sociopathic?
    Cut the bullocks we have heard that act countless times. Be real because we know when you are blowing smoke.

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  39. Kesu just got the hazing.
    Your not empty you just some poison out or tested the water.
    You need to know what you want here, respect comes when deserved.

    But welcome!

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  40. @Note Yawn. You are so predictable that I think you are the one that has given me a light sensitivity, dry mouth, and a searing headache. So please feel free to stop. By the power of grey skull I have rage unending. What is your need for poetry? All this is, is laughable. You seem so absorbed with the title. Like this one label is the only sense of self you have. Is it just your narcissism that keeps you going? If you want me to say I'm not a Sociopath sure. I'm cool with that. Whatever I maybe I want to find out. Do I have shared experiences with you all? Yes. Have I ever lied on here? No. I've been honest and forth coming with the reason I'm here.
    TheNotablePath said "If you wanted to know about this spectrum, you should have asked."
    I have been asking. I ask a thousand questions. Are you blind? Are you in some constant haze that deludes you and makes everything grossly distorted? I ask questions in every single post I write, just about. I have to say I actually laughed when you said that particular part. Obviously all this most branch from your own form of paranoia. Other wise the guy who is so supremely intelligent misses rather blatant and obvious things. I don't know the things that go through your mind but none of it is methodical or carefully planned.
    @Ukan and Note You both just come off to me as dogs who have been beaten to hard and now snap at whatever passes by. I could sit here and battle this out all day and night but what will it net me? Nothing. In the end you aren't going to change me and I have no want to change you. You aren't bullying me. There is nothing special that you've done that I haven't seen 1000 internet trolls do. As for sharing and your need of me to do that. Well I don't feel that need. I'll take questions and answer the ones that I am ok with answering. I'm fiercely private. I always have been probably always will be. The fact that I can be anonymous on here doesn't change that. Either way unless you two have something of actual value to input into the conversation I'm just going to move on. I don't care to take part in useless, repeated, and mundane activities.

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  41. I know I am finally turned on.

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  42. Why is anyone that insults someone automatically compared to a troll? You are spending way too much time on the Internet. The threats you get here are real, UKan calls you names because if he knew you in person he would get something done to you.

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  43. tell us who you really are. What caused you to come here and take abuse? What actions did you do to make you know you were sociopathic?

    Notable/ Kesu who was Ukan talking to here? It is an honest question.

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  44. Aha! Lets poke each other with sticks! You all squeal just the same.

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  45. Ok. I'll volunteer my info if it helps this person out himself/herself

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  46. I'm here because I was incredibly cruel to my incredibly cruel sociopath ex boyfriend. We were so incredibly cruel to one another, yet I stayed till the bitter end, and I still want more. (confused about this wanting more thing)

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  47. Kesu said:

    "I, as a self realized S"

    "If you want me to say I'm not a Sociopath sure. I'm cool with that."

    They have changed you you dumb shit. You dont need to be run out of town though, you're just passing through. You'll be gone soon enough.

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  48. Bella you just want a consistent force in your life, someone who will always be there. Some kid would want his father to yell at him because he equates this with his father spending time with him. The kid would get into trouble on purpose just to have his father yell at him. You are the kid and he is the father.

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  49. I planned our break up in my head so many times that I knew precisely what to do and say when he "surprised me" with the end. The look on his face was priceless. In the end it was only about besting each other.

    He was hot and cold with the caring. He has the same problem I do. In the very beginning, I was doing something mischievous and a bit cruel. He said out of the blue: "How do I know you're not just playing me?" I was baffled and just thought wow this guy is telling me more and more about his paranoia every minute. But I can't say that I was not the same. I ended up using his paranoia against him over and over and over. I did not know I was being like him until now.

    Throughout, I didn't want him to know how much I loved him because I knew (I sensed, rather)that would turn him off.

    He was lying to me. I called him out on stuff and he tried to keep fooling me. Big mistake. Huge mistake. I did not trust him. And yet I stayed. And I tortured him. This is simply maddening. I thought I loved him.

    I identify with people like you all, who keep the world and love at a distance. The love I felt for him, and still do to some extent, is muddied by all this distasteful crap. I am honestly concerned that I will not be able to sustain love if I keep behaving like this. This guy was not worth it. But what will happen when someone else is?

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  50. Bella you just want a consistent force in your life, someone who will always be there. Some kid would want his father to yell at him because he equates this with his father spending time with him. The kid would get into trouble on purpose just to have his father yell at him. You are the kid and he is the father.

    This sounds good, too. It all is useful. And I agree, he changed me, and I can choose to use my new knowledge and chuck my reactions as wasted energy.

    February 19, 2011 11:15 AM

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  51. I think I just got used to it and was willing to let a lot of it go. When I am done obsessing , I will be done. It is what it is. I'm not socio girlfriend material. And yet all I do is pick them, one after another.

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  52. And I am angry about it, and bored by it. And I want to not come here anymore.

    But I am a little addicted to cleverosity.

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  53. I am getting killed with that song. Killed.

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  54. Serial Killers. The lot of you.

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  55. Please refrain from any clever behavior from now on and maybe she'll stay off our terrotiry. WOmen will bring you down

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  56. Anon 12:09 says
    And I am angry about it, and bored by it. And I want to not come here anymore.

    But I am a little addicted to cleverosity.
    . . . . . . .
    Are you making fun of Bella? I will rip your fucking throat out.

    Are you tal
    February 19, 2011 12:09 PM

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  57. Has anyone seen rod around?

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  58. I just want Kesu to stick around here.

    Kesu.. Kremlin red, Energized, Sociopath, Unbarred. Kremlin red tomato.

    I notice UKan assumes Kesu is a she, is that right?

    To UKan any intelligent post is by a female, so the assumption is normal. I have to say he indeed has developed a procedure (in his mind) that extracts the trth from a new comer to SW. He is like the lead dog, starts attacking and all the other little dogs star yip yip yip yip, too. So much fun to see. And Kesu just stands there looking at the parade.

    Notable uses no gender in his barks at Kesu, fits with his asexual personality (one that is interested in sex only while having it, lol, one of his hilarious phrases).

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  59. How is he the lead dog? I said something before him you fool.


    UKan, lutic sees you as the top dog.

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  60. It's not wrong to say that UKan is top dog but there are others to. Namely Misanthrope and Notable( even though notable is hated by many). They all say everything as if they can't be argued with, and then usually tear anyone who disagrees with them to peices. Then you have the little dogs who either try to win they're approval, or their attention(Adam, Jason, anons etc).

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  61. I know that's you UKan.

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  62. @ Adam. Would UKan really name Notable as one of the top dogs? Of course not. They hate each other! And that's the other thing. All three of them are complete ego maniacs. Sometimes there's just not enough space for more than one massive ego in one place. I think that the only reason there's no real conflict between Misanthrope and UKan is because they seem to share many similar views and opinions.

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  63. Yes, UKan would include Notable if he didn't want anyone to think it was him.

    You can rail on about a massive ego all you want, i have biggest ego here, i don't just talk about it i live it, if you want to kiss someones ass kiss mine.

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  64. And obviously you are going to switch up your sentances to make it seem as if it were someone else, I have done it in the past acting as anons to get others bullied.

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  65. But Adam, UKan and Misanthrope aren't looking for their asses to be kissed. Their egos are so big that they can sustain themselves. Notable has a massive ego as well, but I've noticed that he will on occasion seek the approval of others. I wouldn't say that you have a massive ego. You seek attention and grow frustrated when you do not recieve it. That is all.

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  66. second class citizenFebruary 19, 2011 at 2:40 PM

    If you don't have approval from others, you cannot manipulate properly. Why come to sw unless you want to learn.

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  67. Hahahaha.

    Kesu's just a fat nerd with a tin foil hat, on the look out for the "trolls". Way to rationalize your inferiority.

    And yes, I do think that line is hilarious. Really, it is... Truth can be stranger than fiction though, haha!

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  68. Bella you are bleeding, get your self healed first.

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  69. how about I'm not interested in sex, even while having it...

    That would be post.

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  70. @Misthanrope As for the first part saying it and meaning it are two different things. However, in all honesty it might have been a poor choice of words for something that I wasn't 100% sure about. As for me just passing through. That is absolutely correct. I will eventually come to some conclusion about whether or not I am a sociopath. After that I will leave. All in all if I knew for certain in the first place whether I was or wasn't I wouldn't have come here.

    @Bella You continue to be more and more interesting. You actually answered a question I was wondering about. Why you were here. As far as your relationship went I actually had a very similar relationship. To this day I can't tell if there was something there or if I was just caught up in the moment. We broke up multiple times during the relationship but even when we were broken up we kept close tabs on each other. We also both did things making sure that the other knew about it. We were always trying to make the other jealous or hurt them. Also I could never get a fix on her and I'm pretty sure it worked the same way for her. The relationship ended on a rather strange note. We both came to a rough agreement that we had broken each other too much. Whether or not she was an S I can't say for certain.

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  71. I am Cannon Shelly i lives in Alabama and i was in a serious relationship with my Ex Guy for 3 good years.. One day we were in a dinner party, we had a little misunderstanding which lead to a Quarrel and he stood up and left me at the dinner party. i try to call him but he was not picking my calls so after than i contacted my brother and told him about it,my brother so much love me that he had to see him on my behalf,he told my brother that it is over between us.. Then i contacted a friend of mine that had this similar experience and she directed me to THE HIGH PRIEST OZIGIDIDON and i contacted him on highpriestozigididon@gmail.com, at first i thought it was not going to be possible and i contacted him i was ask to come up with a little requirement information of me and my Ex Guy,so i did what i was ask to do, after 24Hours after the spell was cast i was in my office when my Ex Guy called me and was asking me to forgive him and come back to him. i was very surprise it was like a dream to me,so ever since we have been happily married with one kid my lovely baby(Anita)...i wish you the best of luck... friends you can contact HIGH PRIEST OZIGIDIDON on his email, highpriestozigididon@gmail.com. I know you will Thank me later.

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