I meant to write this in a grandiose fashion when I first thought about writing something here as a guest. I found the mental state to do that too hard to reach and it would have meant manipulating myself in such a way that my views would alter. So I just gave it a go.
I think I might be a narcissistic sociopath. Not because I manipulate, not because I don't seem to have what it is called affection, but because I am an outsider in society. I read a lot about sociopathy, psychopathy and ASPD which from what I understand they are three different things. The actions of psychopaths that are being portrayed by writers (Martha Stout, Robert Hare, Hervey Cleckley and others around the web) don't seem relevant to me because all that is written and depicted in their stories is purely circumstantial. Each one of us has to do what he has to do. I will never think of my past and say that I wanted to do harm here and there. Instead I firmly believe that I am a good man, have done nothing wrong, only what was necessary. If someone comes to me and tells me that I have hurt them, I immediately try to apologize and make them understand my behavior.
This blog has helped me because I felt lost in the vortex of my urges. I wanted to be normal and everything I did seemed to be out of the ordinary. I didn't understand why I did what I did and why I didn't feel anything. If I wouldn't have found this blog I would've surely ended up in prison by the time I reached 30. Finding this blog allowed me to sit on it a while and think and compartmentalize.
As I said, I don't feel that I am doing anything wrong and when I read about reoffending sociopaths I see them somewhat below me, stupid and unable to control themselves.
The facts that strongly point me to thinking that I am a sociopath are the simple things, not the schemes I involve myself into. I am asexual, I don't have any opinions, I can say whatever it is need for me to say without it affecting me, I don't fit in any group in the whole world.
Before I started reading this blog I felt that the whole world was against me because I thought that everybody was thinking like me. When someone tried to give me some advice, I took it as manipulation, when someone helped me I took it as their way to indebt me, I didn't even trust my mother. Now I understand that the people do things that I don't understand for reasons I don't understand and I can pretend I understand and go with the flow.